The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - Paternal Affairs - full transcript

Oh, that is beautiful
in so many ways.

Shut up.

Hey, happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Oh, man, I wanna take you right here
with Betty Crocker watching.

Come on, honey,
I gotta get this ready.

People are gonna be here at 2,
and it's already like 20 of.

"Like 20 of"?

I think a certain person's anniversary
gift can tell us the exact time.

One thirty-seven.

Isn't it great? Look at that.



It's a ring, it's a watch.
It's a ring, it's a watch.

Are you done now?

- Ring, watch.
- Honey, stop.

Now, come on,
make yourself useful.

Go get me the champagne flutes
from the armoire.

Okay, skinny glasses, big cabinet.

Oh, all right. I got that.

So? What do you think?

Okay.

I wanted to do something special
for the party,

so I thought I'd go nautical.

Well, you nailed it, Dad.

- This the guest list?
- Yes, Dad.

Joe Garver?



- You invited Joe Garver?
- Yes, Dad.

After what that son of a bitch
did to me at your wedding?

Three devilled eggs left on the tray.
How many does he take? How many?

Three, that selfish bastard.

That's right.

Well, the day of reckoning
has come.

Payback time is here!

Okay, Dad, listen to me.

This is our anniversary, okay?

We want it to be a very special day.

So do you think
you could find it in your heart

not to punch or strangle
any of our guests?

- Of course. Anything for my baby.
- Thank you.

Unless that Garver pulls
more of that devilled-egg crap,

and then all bets are off!

THE KING OF QUEENS
Season 1, Episode 4 "Richie's Song"

Look at that. It's a ring, it's a watch.

Ring, watch.

Wow, that's so neat.

Spence, get a picture of this.

- Coming up.
- Doug, Doug, Doug.

It's a ring and a watch. No picture
can capture both at the same time.

You thought she wanted
that strand-of-pearls thing.

Well, joke's on me, huh?

She smells pretty.

Spence?
You know, instead of inhaling Sara,

you might wanna try,
I don't know, talking to her.

No. No, that's not necessary.

I mean, the relationship is fine
the way it is.

- She thinks your name is Stan.
- Look, it's fine.

I'm perfectly content
just to be in the same room with her

to gather various mental images of her
for when I'm home.

All right. Well, you enjoy that.

- Aunt Sheila!
- Oh, Dougie.

- How was your flight?
- I don't know.

Between the Valium
and the bloody marys,

I basically woke up
in the baggage claim.

Such a mouth on you.
Give me your coat, come here.

- Uncle Hank parking the car?
- Nope.

- Where is he?
- He's still in Florida.

Hopefully underneath
a big, falling anvil.

- What?
- I left him, Dougie.

A month ago.
It's the best thing I ever did.

What? You guys have been married
for so long. What happened?

Yeah, I just got tired of living my life
to save a nickel on a can of tuna fish,

that's what happened.

Anyway, I'm back up here now
for good.

And finally I'm gonna live a little.

This is a joke, right?
That's what this is.

Uncle Hank?

Oh, come on, Dougie.

Honey, it's gonna be okay.
Listen to me.

If it's gonna make you
feel any better now,

I want you to go
pour a nice glass of Scotch,

take a little sip,
and bring the rest to me.

Okay, looking good.

Yes. Big smiles.

Okay, if you could just lick your lips,

arch your backs a little.

There you go, come on. A little.

All right, yeah.

Okay, Garver, it's showtime.

He's taking one, two,

three, four...

Four?

What kind of an animal
eats four devilled eggs?

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

- You're welcome to one of mine.
- What?

Well, please.
I couldn't possibly eat both of these.

Come on, take them.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.

Please excuse my outburst.

When it comes to buffet items,
I can be a bit of a brute.

Arthur Eugene Spooner.

Oh, you're Carrie's father.

How do you do?

I'm Doug's aunt, Sheila Ratnaster.

- What a beautiful name!
- Why, thank you.

Uncle Hank, I don't understand
how you can walk away

from a wonderful marriage.

Okay, yeah, she overpays for tuna,
that must be very painful.

Now, look,
I want you to work this out.

Hey, there's more to life
than happiness, all right? Get over it.

Why won't he listen to me?

I don't know, honey,
but I think you lost him

when you started quoting Scripture.

Yeah. I know, I know. I just--

They're like second parents to me.

I was always over their house
after school,

playing Nok Hockey with Uncle Hank.

And then Aunt Sheila would
make me a big dinner.

Then I'd go home.

For dinner.

Look! Look, honey. Ring, watch.

Ring, watch. Ring, watch.

- You're so lucky. You're lucky.
- Yeah.

Honey, it still is our anniversary.

And I still have a little frosting left.

I like frosting.

Am I interrupting?

No, Dad. No.

Douglas?

I'd like to talk to you
about your Aunt Sheila.

Look, Arthur, she's a nice lady.

If she ate the last chicken wing
or potato puff, I'm sorry.

No, no.
I found her quite enchanting.

In fact, with your permission,

I'd like to woo her.

"Woo her"?

I come to you since you are
her closest living relative,

other than her husband, that is.

Well, Arthur, thanks for coming to me,
but I gotta give you a no on this one.

But, you know,
if you're looking to be set up,

I'll certainly keep my eyes
open for you.

Dad, just give me a second
with him, okay?

Cold pigs in blankets.
Life is good again.

- Doug?
- Yeah?

I know you're upset
about your aunt and uncle,

but would it be so terrible
if my father went out with her?

No, no, no.
Not gonna date Aunt Sheila. Sorry, no.

Well, why not, honey?

The man spends every night
in our basement alone,

yelling at TV commercials.

He just wants a little company,
that's all.

I don't want that company
to be my aunt.

Let him go out with your aunt.

Okay, that would be his sister.

There's a great icebreaker.

Carrie, I'm not trying
to be a jerk about this.

It's just that Hank and Sheila,
they're still married.

- They're probably gonna get divorced.
- They are not getting a divorce.

They're separated temporarily
because they hate each other.

Well, look at it this way:

What better way to force a woman
back to her husband

than an evening out with my father?

I don't know.

Honey, come on,
just let him go out with her.

Look. Ring, watch.

All right, you know what?
That well has run real dry, all right?

He can go out with her, okay?

- Thank you, honey.
- All right.

Daddy?

Yes?

Come in.

Oh, hi, you're very busy. I'm just
gonna give you these and vamoose.

- Are these the anniversary pictures?
- Yeah, goodbye.

Wait, hang on, honey.
Let me take a look at them.

I might want some copies
or something.

They're all framed really weird.
I think the lab screwed up.

It serves me right for using Kodak.

Sara by the door.

Sara by the couch.

Sara on the couch.

Sara bending over the couch.

How did you get this one
of her sleeping?

Look, I'm really, really sorry.

And I promise
I'll make it up to you guys, I swear.

All right.
Don't worry about it, Spence.

Just get some help, okay?

Hey. Where you going?

I'm so very ashamed.

All right, call you later.

What you got there?

The pictures
from our anniversary party.

All right. Hey, hon, you look good here,
bending over the couch.

You look like you lost some weight.

That's Sara.

I love you.

Well, I'm off to my date with Sheila.

Daddy, you look so handsome.
Doesn't he, Doug?

Yeah, he's a sweet piece
of man candy.

So where you gonna take her?

I guess that diner
over on Continental Avenue.

I'm a little short on the moola
this month.

All right, Arthur.
Here you go, all right?

- No, no. I'll be fine.
- No, no, come on, here.

Take her someplace nice, all right?
You have lobster, it's very nautical.

Thanks, Douglas.

Wish me luck.

I'm a little nervous. I haven't had
a date in quite a few years.

Oh, Dad, just be yourself,
it'll be fine.

Just don't do that thing with your toes,
and don't show her your hernia scar.

Well, you're tying my hands here,
but okay.

Dad, I'm making pancakes,
you want any?

Dad?

Dad?

- There you are.
- Yes, there I am.

So how'd your Dad's date go, huh?

Very well.

Or not so well, depending
on whether you're him or you.

You know what, honey?
You're late for work.

The watch ring doesn't lie.
Let's go.

You know my shift
doesn't start till 9.

Not till 9? Is that right?

Maybe you wanna go a little early
and, you know, kiss up?

What's going on?

Hi, Doug.

Hello, sweetheart.

Yes, this is a little awkward, isn't it?

But what the hell, I need my coffee.

Aunt Sheila? It's Aunt Sheila.

Well, it looks like her, hon.

- Morning, kids. Morning, my sweet.
- Hello, my dear.

Look, you gotta get going.

I got another one of Doug's aunts
coming in right behind you.

Oh, stop it. You're so terrible.

But so, so cute.

Well, thanks again
for giving me that extra money.

I think the lobster put me
right over the top.

Are you happy?
Are you happy now?

Yes, Doug,
I have finally achieved my dream

of coupling my father with your aunt.
I'm ecstatic.

"Doug, may I have your permission
to woo her?"

"Woo her."
Well, it rhymes with "woo"!

- All right, Doug, just calm down now.
- Look, I can't, okay?

That's my Aunt Sheila.

She used to bathe me
and tuck me in and tell me stories.

It's not someone I want to picture
straddling Papa.

All right, she wasn't straddling him.

They were just kind of spooning.

Oh, God.

Stop.

I hope they remembered
to use birth control.

- What?
- I was just thinking.

Your aunt's not that old.

Has she gone through menopause,
do you know?

I don't know!

Oh, my God,
I didn't even think of that.

They could have a child.

He would be my cousin
and my brother-in-law.

Oh, God, I hear banjo music.
Oh, God.

Doug, I agree that this thing has
a variety of nauseating aspects to it.

But they're two grown adults,

with obviously
still very strong sexual urges--

And there's nothing
we can do about it!

All right, this isn't so bad, as long
as he keeps his hands where they--

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Doug, what is the matter?
- Nothing.

Then why do you keep muttering
my father's name and cursing?

You know what? It's that music.

I just know they're doing something
down there.

And I can't do something with you

when he's in the same house
doing something with her.

Come on. Yes, you can.

No, I can't. Trust me.

Honey,
they are probably just dancing.

You know my father,
he loves to dance.

Now, come on, do that thing you do.

Why isn't he fixing the record?

Honey, they will. It just takes time
to walk over and do it.

- Nighty-night.
- Night.

Hello.

Hey, Spence.

Why are you so tired?

My father-in-law and my aunt
were having sex all night.

Gotcha. Look, I went through
the anniversary photos,

and I managed to cut and paste
some of them

and get you and Carrie together
in a few shots.

Trouble is,
you're slightly different sizes.

This is nice, it looks like
I'm standing in the palm of her hand.

Isn't it?

I'll make you 8x1Os. My treat.

- Oh, hi!
- Hello.

What was your name again?

- Stan.
- Stan, right, Stan.

Listen, I'm so glad I ran into you.

See, I was looking through the pictures
from the anniversary party,

and, you know,
something about them was so great.

Thank you.

The thing is, my agent says I need
some new shots for my portfolio.

And I was thinking,
could you maybe take them?

I mean, I can't pay you a lot,
but, you know, just as a favour?

Well, I can only do it evenings.

- If daytime's better, I can quit my job.
- Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Morning, Doug.

Yeah, morning.

You look tired.

I didn't get much sleep.

I didn't either, if you get my drift.

Do you? Do you? Do you?

I get it, all right? Leave me alone.

Actually, Doug, I didn't just
come up here for playful banter.

Then go back.

Well, before I do, I want to talk
to you about Aunt Sheila.

Once again, I stand before you,
seeking your permission.

For what?
What do you wanna do now?

Do you wanna stick her in go-go boots
and make her dance in a cage?

No. I plan to ask her to become
the fourth, and hopefully final,

Mrs. Arthur Spooner.

You wanna marry her?
What are you, insane?

I know what you're thinking.

Why buy the cow
when you're getting the milk free?

Well, the fact is, I love that cow.

Yeah, well, you know what?
You can't have that cow, okay?

Tell you what, no more milk, either.
That's it, all right? Permission denied.

Well, I don't need
your permission, Douglas!

Asking for it was just my charming way
of breaking the news to you.

Carrie!

- What?
- Could you come down here, please?

I'm in the shower.

Yeah, well, your father
wants to marry my aunt!

- Tell him no.
- I did!

- What'd he say?
- He said he's doing it anyway!

I'll be right down.

Oh, now you're screwed.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can forget
about being my best man.

Listen closely to me, Arthur,
you may not ask my aunt to marry you.

So I'm good enough
to be your father-in-law,

but not your uncle, is that it?
Well, too bad.

I'm gonna marry her
and you can't stop me, nephew!

Oh, hi, Dougie,
I was expecting someone else.

- Do you want to come in?
- No.

I can't. I'm running late for work.

But I really need to talk
to you about Arthur.

Arthur, yes.
He's such a free spirit, isn't he?

Yeah, he's a barrel of monkeys. Look,
I know this is none of my business,

but I really think you need to put
the brakes on this relationship thing

before things go too far.

How much farther can they go? We've
pleasured each other in every way--

Okay! Okay! Okay! Thank you.

Thank you.

Look, you don't understand. Arthur,
he's gonna ask you to marry him.

Now, I know you may be tempted
to do this,

but I'm telling you,
if you rush into this,

you, Arthur and I are gonna regret it
for the rest of our lives.

I don't want to marry Arthur.

- You don't?
- No.

Hi, Joe.

I'll be right in.

You're dating Garver?

I met him at your party.
I had a very good night.

Let's face it, I looked hot.

I can't believe this! This whole time
I'm worried about my poor,

vulnerable Aunt Sheila getting hurt.

Meanwhile,
you're having a great time

working your way
through the old men of Queens.

Doug, I have been married to one man
for over 30 years.

I'm entitled to sow a few oats,
for God's sake.

Hey, Arthur is not oats, okay?

He's a guy who loves you,
and he thinks you love him.

I mean, you're treating him like crap!

- Douglas!
- Sorry.

Now, look, tomorrow
I'm gonna talk to Arthur, okay?

But right now, I have company.

Excuse me.

And tuck in that shirt.

What are you doing here,
Heffernan?

You came here to poison her
against me?

No, no, no. I mean, well, yes, but--

Look, you can't go in there.

Step aside.
I don't want to have to remove you.

Nor do I think I could.

Look, Arthur, I really think
we need to talk.

Hey, what your aunt and I have
is something beautiful,

something you'll never understand.

Now, good day, sir.

- Arthur-
- Good day, sir!

What are you looking at?

- Your Dad asleep?
- Yeah.

I read to him
from one of his Time-Life books

on how to build a deck.
Put him right out.

He's a tough guy.
He'll bounce back from this.

Hey. Where's Spence?
What happened to the photo shoot?

We're done.

What do you mean, you're done?
You just started five minutes ago.

It was so weird.

He put the film in the camera,
and as soon as I started posing,

he shot his entire roll
in like ten seconds.

And then he runs off, saying,

"Nothing like this has
ever happened before."

They always say that.