The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Episode #1.12 - full transcript
The show's on!
In 1972, there were
a lot of crazy game shows on TV.
"Hollywood Squares,"
"Let's Make a Deal,"
but the strangest one of all
was The Vietnam Draft Lottery.
We come to you tonight
from Selective Service Headquarters
in Washington, D.C.,
for the draft lottery...
It was like the show
"Truth or Consequences,"
except the consequences
were life and death,
and my family struggled with
telling the truth about it.
Whatever happens with this,
your country's gonna take care of you.
Frank burned the popcorn. It's ruined.
- You get all the kernels?
- Every last one.
Then it's delicious.
- Eddie's war show on?
- It just started.
Well, sorry we're late.
Wendi was trying to teach me
how to change lanes
and I just couldn't get over.
You know, if you keep driving,
there's a place called Sylmar?
- I'm so nervous for you, Eddie.
- Me?
You're the one driving with my mom.
Even if they pick Eddie's birthday,
he won't get called up until
he graduates from high school.
Hear that, Pat?
You'll probably go to
Vietnam before he does.
I'll win the war with karate-chops!
You can't use karate-chops.
That's their thing.
How are you doing?
Whatever happens, my country's
going to take care of me.
Yeah, they'll take care of you.
They'll give you a gun, a pine box
and Mom and Dad get a free flag.
Wow, Lawrence coming in hot.
Well, we could use a new flag...
thank you, Alaska and Hawaii.
Like I'm gonna spring
for a new fifty-star flag
with Puerto Rico knocking on the door.
To anyone sensible,
this would look like
a family "in no mood."
But my young eyes saw nine people
facing the same direction,
AKA an audience.
Ladies and gentlemen!
I have here two ordinary
sterling silver rings!
That's steel with chrome plating.
You paid for silver,
the guy saw you coming.
Magic is scary.
The only thing scary about magic
is the weird, lonely men who do it.
Timmy, scram.
They're calling the first birthday.
It was both ceremonial
and darkly absurd.
A congressman pulled a random date.
And every draft-age boy
with that birthday
moved up in the line
to be sent off to war.
I cannot wait to do my duty.
Go overseas and kill Nazis like Dad did.
There aren't any Nazis in this war.
'Cause Dad got 'em all!
Honestly, the rigmarole.
I'll just say it...
I hope they give you a pass.
- Thank you, Mrs. Cleary.
- Absolutely.
Eddie's too nice
to kill anyone in a war...
at least on purpose.
Sweetie, no offense, nobody wants to see
that frantic moon-pie face
last thing before they die.
If he gets called,
he'll do his duty. Period.
But if you do get drafted,
you have choices.
Sure. What do you want the guys
in your outfit to call you,
Eddie or Ed? That's your choice.
I'm gonna go by Francis.
Ooh, that'll put
fear in the heart of the enemy.
- I know.
- I was talking about deferments.
I know a guy who ate
only celery for six weeks,
and the night before
his physical sat in a steam room
until he was down to 115 pounds.
Oh, there's a profile in courage.
And then, of course,
there's always Canada...
Oh, no. No son of mine
is going to Canada.
That place accepts
every low-life and coward.
The whole country's un-American.
I have always wanted to see Banff.
The best plan is ending this craziness
so that nobody else has to go.
There's a huge march
against the war on Wednesday.
So I guess by Thursday,
it'll all be over...
maybe... Wednesday afternoon
if you march real good.
October 28th...
I can't believe this.
This says that I've...
lost my deferment.
They're gonna put you
in the lottery, too?
No lottery for me.
I've been drafted.
Some really tense stuff in there.
Let me take your minds off
your troubles, good sirs.
The next show is about to begin!
The price is one dollar.
Absolutely free!
No, you give me a dollar.
Which is reasonable considering
what they pay test subjects
for enduring painful
medical experiments.
"Report for Army induction and training
to Fort Irwin in Barstow,
California..." in eight days.
My mom was upset by what the U.S. Army
wanted to do to her family.
But not having nuclear weapons,
she went off against
a less formidable foe.
Barstow?
I mean, they probably
send you to Barstow first
so Vietnam doesn't seem so bad.
Barstow's not the problem, Mom.
It is for the people who live there.
Ugh, I lost my religious
studies deferment.
'Cause you washed out at the seminary.
I didn't wash out.
I made a thoughtful, informed choice.
Yeah, now your only choice is,
do you want to be called
Lawrence or Buzzcut?
'Cause trust me, the Army...
they're not putting up with that salad.
Here I was, worried about
getting called up
in eight or nine months, and you...
- Eight days.
- I'm so sorry, Lawrence.
Okay, you just go back to the seminary
until this whole war thing blows over.
Look, I know the priesthood's
not your "calling" anymore,
but I was never really
"called" to be a mother.
You make the best of a bad situation.
- And we appreciate it, Mom.
- Yeah.
I'm not going to the seminary,
and I'm not going to Fort Irwin.
I'm calling my friend in Canada.
Oh, here we go.
No, you are not using my phone
for any draft-dodging calls.
Especially not long-distance!
Fine. I'll go use the pay phone
over at the Kentucky Fried Chicken!
Be sure to thank the Colonel
for his service!
I have a couple more
thoughts about Barstow...
I have poured ordinary Rice Krispies
into this ordinary bowl.
Everything around here is ordinary.
You don't have to keep rubbing it in.
He's still doing his dumb magic?
There's a lot of windup on this one.
We all know that newspapers
can hold valuable information.
But can they hold...
milk?
Hey, stupid! Stop that!
It's gonna make a mess on Mom's floor.
Or is it?
W-Where... Where'd it go?
Wait a minute.
What's that I hear?
Snap, Crackle, Pop.
I have no idea how you did that.
Or why.
You didn't make that milk disappear.
It's obviously a trick!
Of course it's a trick, Frank.
You're kind of missing the point.
I'm not missing anything.
You're not magic!
Like most so-called entertainment...
movies, love songs... i-it's just lying.
I remember that speech from
when you stood up in the theater
and ruined "Herbie the Love Bug"
for everyone.
This is why I don't do tricks for you.
- You can't handle it.
- What I can't handle
is you acting like the laws of
physics don't apply to you.
Do it again!
And you're gonna keep doing it
until I figure out how it works.
Are you sure you want
to put yourself through this?
It might make you more unhappy.
Not possible.
August 10th. August one-zero.
I couldn't get ahold of my friend.
Oh, do you think he might be
"dodging" your phone call?
The boys there are men of conscience
who don't want to participate
in an unjust war.
If they don't want to participate,
they don't belong in this country.
That's why they went to Canada.
Hey, Eddie, that's your birthday!
Oh, no.
February 22nd. February two-two.
What did you win?
Oh, he won that Eddie and other boys
with the same birthday
are going to the war.
You can all have cake together!
This seems crazy.
It's a proud moment.
We need to celebrate.
Peg, we have any champagne?
I have some distilled water
I use for ironing.
What exactly are we celebrating?
The day my two boys
are called to serve...
even if one of them runs to Canada.
Peg, ironing water for everybody.
Yeah.
You don't really feel like celebrating,
do you, Mrs. Cleary?
I don't know what I can do about it yet.
Anyway, the joke's on Mike.
I've been refilling this from the tap.
This is your generation's war, Eddie.
It's an opportunity for you
to distinguish yourself.
Boys go over there
and they come back men.
Unless they don't come back.
Don't listen to Negative Nelly.
I know you're gonna make me proud, son.
Aye aye, captain!
Lawrence...
Kid's driving me up the wall
with his thoughts and ideas.
Thank God we don't have
that problem with Eddie.
Seems pretty greedy,
the Army trying to take two of our boys.
And we get no say about it?
At the very least,
they should let me pick
which two we send.
That would keep these kids in line.
Mommy, I had a bad dream.
Can I sleep in your bed?
- Pat.
- It's okay, Mike.
What was your dream about?
- War.
- Hmm...
Will I have to go to Vietnam someday?
Oh, honey.
That's not gonna happen.
There will be a whole
different war by then.
I only hope you and I
are on the same side.
The events of
the day also weighed heavily
on other members of the family.
Timmy, I need to know
where the milk went!
To know what? Why... Why are
your hands so sweaty?
Endocrine problems.
Don't try to cleverly change
the subject.
Frank, we are trying to sleep.
Nobody sleeps until
Timmy explains his trick.
Just tell him how you do it.
But I swore an oath
to the Ancient Brotherhood
of Magicians, Jugglers and Fire-eaters.
Even if the enemy takes me
captive, I can't tell.
- What enemy?
- The Fraternal Order of Mimes,
Unicyclists and Sword-swallowers.
Frank, why not try to enjoy
Timmy's trick for what it is?
Life becomes so much less wondrous
when you strip away
all of its mysteries.
Okay! If it shuts you up,
I'll give you the secret
of Timmy's dumb trick.
"Dumb trick," but we're all
talking about it.
I've sworn no oaths
and I'm not frightened
of sword-swallowers.
It's the mimes
you have to watch out for.
But you'll have to wait 'til tomorrow,
after a good night's sleep.
For the friends-and-family
price of ten dollars.
Shake on it.
Oh, you weren't kidding.
That hand is like an armpit.
- Then you should feel my ankles.
- Frank, turn out the light.
Turn...
You being drafted just makes
me feel so powerless.
I'm sorry.
If I could,
you know I'd trade places with you.
But you heard Lawrence.
There are options we could try.
Uh, you could get a college deferment.
You said you wouldn't push
this college stuff on me.
I'm reconsidering now that
the other option is death.
I think it's just better if
I see this draft thing through.
I've got an opportunity
to distinguish myself here.
That's exactly what your dad said.
You're doing this just to impress him.
No.
But he was impressed, right?
I'm not just imagining that.
Will you talk some sense
to your brother?
Don't let Dad bully you.
You gotta think for yourself.
Do what Lawrence tells you...
think for yourself.
I'll be back later for
your mom's driving lesson.
Please, talk to him.
Wendi said I should talk to you,
so here goes.
I enjoy playing basketball.
I do as well.
Shall we?
What a lovely talk.
Horse!
What's the secret of Timmy's trick?
Who are you calling?
"Abraca-Dave's Magic Shop"?
I could have called a magic shop.
But could you get the top
guy on the phone?
Hello?
Hi. Abraca-Dave, please.
There is no Dave.
That was just brilliant marketing.
You're talking to The Great Pepe.
Hi, Pepe. I'm wondering
if you're familiar
with the trick where milk
is poured into the newspaper
- and then...
- Ah, The Reappearing Cow.
That's part of our breakfast line.
I usually pair it with
The Pancakes of Doom.
I need to know how the milk thing works.
Son, I can't just go around divulging...
Wait a minute.
Are you by any chance a mime?
If I was a mime,
would I be talking to you?
I'm asking for my dying grandfather.
Make a noise like you're dying.
Oh! Ah!! I've been shot!
He's got dementia,
but it's his dying wish
to understand that trick.
Nice try, kid. When your grandpa passes,
I'll call him up on the Ouija board
and give him the whole shpiel.
Have a magical day.
Tell Pepe I say hello.
- I want my money back.
- No refunds.
But my business is built on
customer satisfaction, so...
I'm going to help you
re-create the trick.
Anything to wipe that smug smile
off Timmy's face.
- The kid has really got my goat.
- I can help with that, too.
Goat recovery is, like,
80% of what I do.
♪ Well, come on,
all of you big, strong men ♪
♪ Uncle Sam needs your help again ♪
♪ Yeah, he's got himself
in a terrible jam ♪
♪ Way down yonder in Vietnam ♪
♪ So put down your books
and pick up a gun ♪
♪ We're gonna have a whole lotta fun ♪
♪ And it's one, two, three ♪
♪ What are we fighting for? ♪
♪ Don't ask me, I don't give a damn ♪
♪ Next stop is Vietnam ♪
♪ And it's five, six, seven ♪
♪ Open up the pearly gates ♪
♪ Well, there ain't no time
to wonder why ♪
♪ Whoopee! We're all gonna die ♪
All right, I got one, I got one.
Whoo!
Oh! Good.
Lawrence, that doesn't count.
You get one more turn.
Nice shot!
Come here, you! Rrgh!
Let's go!
He's coming up, he's coming up!
Yes!
You can't do that!
House is gonna feel pretty
empty without these two morons.
I'd feel a lot better about this
if I understood
why the heck we were sending
our boys over there.
Well, the price we pay for freedom
is our young men defending it.
No, when I said "our boys,"
I meant our boys.
I'm all for the Flanigans exporting
every one of their drooling chimps.
We put a lot of work into these two.
Honey, Communism is on the march.
We give them Vietnam, they'll
take Thailand, Laos, and Burma.
None of those are places I care about.
If we don't fight them over there,
we'll end up fighting them over here.
Wouldn't that be more convenient?
Mike, I understood World War II,
with Hitler and all those wiseacres,
but this war doesn't even
have any decent villains.
Who am I supposed to
hate this time? Jane Fonda?
That's a good place to start.
I don't want to see
Lawrence go to Canada,
but if he chooses to, we need
to support that decision.
Oh, so now we're trusting our idiot kids
with important life decisions?
Why not let Pat choose if
he wants to see the dentist?
Pat has never been to a dentist.
Because we made that decision for him.
Lawrence is educated.
He's been out in the world.
He stood on that spot where
you're in four states at once.
I think he's smart enough
to make his own decisions.
Mom, Dad,
I've decided I'm going to Vietnam.
Oh, shut up. What do you know?
So now you want to go to Vietnam?
Peg, Peg, he stood on four states.
If this is his decision,
we should stand by it.
Look, I've been thinking about
this mess, and if I don't go,
the Army's not gonna say,
"Well, we're short one man,
I guess we have to forfeit."
They're just gonna draft the next guy.
As long as the next guy's not my son!
Maybe he's someone terrible
that we're better off without.
They could take an axe murderer
or Jerry Lewis...
we're all a little tired of his antics.
Or they could take Eddie...
you think of that?
Or some other guy like Eddie.
And I couldn't live with myself
if something like that were to happen.
We're proud of you, son.
I'm not doing it to make you proud.
All right, here we go.
Prepare to be amazed and humiliated.
You might want to work
on your patter, Frank.
Ignore the hecklers. You're doing great.
Ordinary newspaper...
Ordinary milk, blah-blah-blah.
And now the milk starts
magically disappearing...
disappearing...
like right now.
No milk...
...whatsoever.
Feel pretty stupid yet?
I'm okay.
And now for the big, dumb finish
where the milk reappears in the cereal.
Wh... What's that I hear?
Snap, crackle, and eat it, Timmy!
There! I did it!
I made a bowl of magic cereal
exactly as good as yours.
Ta-da!
I feel like we were one rehearsal short.
Yeah, you got me, Frank.
That is exactly how it's done.
Frank, stop!
- So, did you guys talk?
- Sure we talked.
I told Lawrence that
he shot like our grandma.
Yeah, but then I reminded him that
Grammy Agnes was the star guard
on a ground-breaking CYO women's team.
Led the league in scoring back in 1927.
And then I clarified
that I knew all that.
My comment about Grandma
was a compliment.
- Nah.
- I was expecting you to convince him
to stand up to your father
about Vietnam.
That didn't come up.
And, actually,
I decided I'm going to Vietnam now.
What? I was only gone for like an hour!
- You're going?
- Yeah.
Aw, man.
I hope we end up in the same platoon.
You guys are insane.
If you won't talk
to your father, I will.
- Mr. Cleary.
- Don't, Wendi.
I'll do it. I'll talk to him.
Nope.
Mr. Cleary, you have two boys
about to go off to a war
which even the people running the thing
don't believe in anymore.
This is between me and my two sons.
Not when I really care
about one of them.
It's me, right? Eddie?
I hate the thought of either
of them going over there
just so President Nixon doesn't
look weak before an election.
The president is negotiating
an honorable peace to this war,
which he'll only get
by waging it aggressively.
More war leading to peace.
A lot of people think that's crazy.
A lot of people who don't
really love this country.
Or they love it enough to
criticize it so it can be better,
the way you do with
someone you really care about.
Is that why you and Mom
always criticize me?
No, it's because you do dumb stuff.
- Good call.
- Do you see what you do to him?
Eddie is starved for your approval.
You've a weird power over these boys.
All right! That's enough, Wendi.
No, it really isn't.
I'm sorry, Mr. Cleary,
but I'm worried that Eddie is
going to get himself killed
just hoping you'll say
you're proud of him.
We should get started
on that driving lesson.
Right now.
I know you agree with me about
Eddie and Lawrence.
With Mike, you have to handle
things with a light touch.
Mom ran over Lawrence!
We'll know more in a day or two,
but we're looking at about
three months in that cast.
Now, I know he's supposed
to report to basic training,
but that's off the table for now.
You did this on purpose.
I'll forgive you for saying that
because you're in shock
from your broken foot.
Yeah, which you gave me. On purpose.
The "D" and the "R" on the steering
column are very confusing.
Okay, enough of the silly speculation.
This was definitely an accident.
'Cause our insurance
doesn't cover vehicular assault.
I had a plan, Dad.
I really wanted to do this right.
Sometimes these choices
get made for us...
by a higher power.
- Where's Eddie?
- You steer clear of Eddie.
I'll deal with him.
Take a walk with me.
Just him.
You and I have talked enough today.
Oh, looky here.
Nothing warms the heart more
than the sight of a baby
that I don't have to feed
and clothe for two decades.
Hello.
You are not my problem.
You know why hospitals
have these big windows
- in the baby room?
- Hang on, doesn't it go,
"Why do Polish hospitals
have these big windows?"
- 'Cause I think I know this one.
- No.
The school nurse told me
they have these windows
mostly for other people...
people who are sick,
people visiting loved ones
who aren't doing so well.
They can walk down the corridor,
look in, and see life.
- See hope.
- I get it.
Didn't you used to talk
about being a doctor
- when you were little?
- A nurse, actually.
A nurse, doctor.
Neither's better than the other...
except doctor's better.
I used to pretend to be sick
and get out of class
to hang out with Nurse Gail at school.
She had lollipops.
That story tells me you might
have the stuff to be a doctor.
- Or a nurse.
- Or a doctor.
Bottom line, you like people.
I like lollipops.
But you're a caring person.
It's a special talent,
like playing the fiddle,
or Evel Knievel.
If you get your grades up,
you can get yourself
into a decent medical program.
Wendi really wants me
to go to college, too.
That one has a lot of opinions.
It's still a good idea.
It sounds really hard, Dad.
I'd like to see you give it a shot.
You should know
there's more than one way
to make me proud of you.
A couple months later, President Nixon
ended the draft,
sparing my brothers
any further physical peril
from either the
North Vietnamese or my mom.
The Reappearing Cow.
Page 152.
What are you trying to pull?
That's a trick book, right?
I-I open it and a knife pops out
and slices my throat.
What would be the point of that?
Making me look dumb.
Like everybody who gets a chance
to peek behind the curtain,
Frank discovered that the knowing
is often not as much
as fun as the not-knowing.
Hmm.
That's it?
Yeah.
I almost wish a knife had popped out.
I don't have a knife,
but how about...
this?!
- How did you do that?
- Sorry, man.
The answer was in the book.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
In 1972, there were
a lot of crazy game shows on TV.
"Hollywood Squares,"
"Let's Make a Deal,"
but the strangest one of all
was The Vietnam Draft Lottery.
We come to you tonight
from Selective Service Headquarters
in Washington, D.C.,
for the draft lottery...
It was like the show
"Truth or Consequences,"
except the consequences
were life and death,
and my family struggled with
telling the truth about it.
Whatever happens with this,
your country's gonna take care of you.
Frank burned the popcorn. It's ruined.
- You get all the kernels?
- Every last one.
Then it's delicious.
- Eddie's war show on?
- It just started.
Well, sorry we're late.
Wendi was trying to teach me
how to change lanes
and I just couldn't get over.
You know, if you keep driving,
there's a place called Sylmar?
- I'm so nervous for you, Eddie.
- Me?
You're the one driving with my mom.
Even if they pick Eddie's birthday,
he won't get called up until
he graduates from high school.
Hear that, Pat?
You'll probably go to
Vietnam before he does.
I'll win the war with karate-chops!
You can't use karate-chops.
That's their thing.
How are you doing?
Whatever happens, my country's
going to take care of me.
Yeah, they'll take care of you.
They'll give you a gun, a pine box
and Mom and Dad get a free flag.
Wow, Lawrence coming in hot.
Well, we could use a new flag...
thank you, Alaska and Hawaii.
Like I'm gonna spring
for a new fifty-star flag
with Puerto Rico knocking on the door.
To anyone sensible,
this would look like
a family "in no mood."
But my young eyes saw nine people
facing the same direction,
AKA an audience.
Ladies and gentlemen!
I have here two ordinary
sterling silver rings!
That's steel with chrome plating.
You paid for silver,
the guy saw you coming.
Magic is scary.
The only thing scary about magic
is the weird, lonely men who do it.
Timmy, scram.
They're calling the first birthday.
It was both ceremonial
and darkly absurd.
A congressman pulled a random date.
And every draft-age boy
with that birthday
moved up in the line
to be sent off to war.
I cannot wait to do my duty.
Go overseas and kill Nazis like Dad did.
There aren't any Nazis in this war.
'Cause Dad got 'em all!
Honestly, the rigmarole.
I'll just say it...
I hope they give you a pass.
- Thank you, Mrs. Cleary.
- Absolutely.
Eddie's too nice
to kill anyone in a war...
at least on purpose.
Sweetie, no offense, nobody wants to see
that frantic moon-pie face
last thing before they die.
If he gets called,
he'll do his duty. Period.
But if you do get drafted,
you have choices.
Sure. What do you want the guys
in your outfit to call you,
Eddie or Ed? That's your choice.
I'm gonna go by Francis.
Ooh, that'll put
fear in the heart of the enemy.
- I know.
- I was talking about deferments.
I know a guy who ate
only celery for six weeks,
and the night before
his physical sat in a steam room
until he was down to 115 pounds.
Oh, there's a profile in courage.
And then, of course,
there's always Canada...
Oh, no. No son of mine
is going to Canada.
That place accepts
every low-life and coward.
The whole country's un-American.
I have always wanted to see Banff.
The best plan is ending this craziness
so that nobody else has to go.
There's a huge march
against the war on Wednesday.
So I guess by Thursday,
it'll all be over...
maybe... Wednesday afternoon
if you march real good.
October 28th...
I can't believe this.
This says that I've...
lost my deferment.
They're gonna put you
in the lottery, too?
No lottery for me.
I've been drafted.
Some really tense stuff in there.
Let me take your minds off
your troubles, good sirs.
The next show is about to begin!
The price is one dollar.
Absolutely free!
No, you give me a dollar.
Which is reasonable considering
what they pay test subjects
for enduring painful
medical experiments.
"Report for Army induction and training
to Fort Irwin in Barstow,
California..." in eight days.
My mom was upset by what the U.S. Army
wanted to do to her family.
But not having nuclear weapons,
she went off against
a less formidable foe.
Barstow?
I mean, they probably
send you to Barstow first
so Vietnam doesn't seem so bad.
Barstow's not the problem, Mom.
It is for the people who live there.
Ugh, I lost my religious
studies deferment.
'Cause you washed out at the seminary.
I didn't wash out.
I made a thoughtful, informed choice.
Yeah, now your only choice is,
do you want to be called
Lawrence or Buzzcut?
'Cause trust me, the Army...
they're not putting up with that salad.
Here I was, worried about
getting called up
in eight or nine months, and you...
- Eight days.
- I'm so sorry, Lawrence.
Okay, you just go back to the seminary
until this whole war thing blows over.
Look, I know the priesthood's
not your "calling" anymore,
but I was never really
"called" to be a mother.
You make the best of a bad situation.
- And we appreciate it, Mom.
- Yeah.
I'm not going to the seminary,
and I'm not going to Fort Irwin.
I'm calling my friend in Canada.
Oh, here we go.
No, you are not using my phone
for any draft-dodging calls.
Especially not long-distance!
Fine. I'll go use the pay phone
over at the Kentucky Fried Chicken!
Be sure to thank the Colonel
for his service!
I have a couple more
thoughts about Barstow...
I have poured ordinary Rice Krispies
into this ordinary bowl.
Everything around here is ordinary.
You don't have to keep rubbing it in.
He's still doing his dumb magic?
There's a lot of windup on this one.
We all know that newspapers
can hold valuable information.
But can they hold...
milk?
Hey, stupid! Stop that!
It's gonna make a mess on Mom's floor.
Or is it?
W-Where... Where'd it go?
Wait a minute.
What's that I hear?
Snap, Crackle, Pop.
I have no idea how you did that.
Or why.
You didn't make that milk disappear.
It's obviously a trick!
Of course it's a trick, Frank.
You're kind of missing the point.
I'm not missing anything.
You're not magic!
Like most so-called entertainment...
movies, love songs... i-it's just lying.
I remember that speech from
when you stood up in the theater
and ruined "Herbie the Love Bug"
for everyone.
This is why I don't do tricks for you.
- You can't handle it.
- What I can't handle
is you acting like the laws of
physics don't apply to you.
Do it again!
And you're gonna keep doing it
until I figure out how it works.
Are you sure you want
to put yourself through this?
It might make you more unhappy.
Not possible.
August 10th. August one-zero.
I couldn't get ahold of my friend.
Oh, do you think he might be
"dodging" your phone call?
The boys there are men of conscience
who don't want to participate
in an unjust war.
If they don't want to participate,
they don't belong in this country.
That's why they went to Canada.
Hey, Eddie, that's your birthday!
Oh, no.
February 22nd. February two-two.
What did you win?
Oh, he won that Eddie and other boys
with the same birthday
are going to the war.
You can all have cake together!
This seems crazy.
It's a proud moment.
We need to celebrate.
Peg, we have any champagne?
I have some distilled water
I use for ironing.
What exactly are we celebrating?
The day my two boys
are called to serve...
even if one of them runs to Canada.
Peg, ironing water for everybody.
Yeah.
You don't really feel like celebrating,
do you, Mrs. Cleary?
I don't know what I can do about it yet.
Anyway, the joke's on Mike.
I've been refilling this from the tap.
This is your generation's war, Eddie.
It's an opportunity for you
to distinguish yourself.
Boys go over there
and they come back men.
Unless they don't come back.
Don't listen to Negative Nelly.
I know you're gonna make me proud, son.
Aye aye, captain!
Lawrence...
Kid's driving me up the wall
with his thoughts and ideas.
Thank God we don't have
that problem with Eddie.
Seems pretty greedy,
the Army trying to take two of our boys.
And we get no say about it?
At the very least,
they should let me pick
which two we send.
That would keep these kids in line.
Mommy, I had a bad dream.
Can I sleep in your bed?
- Pat.
- It's okay, Mike.
What was your dream about?
- War.
- Hmm...
Will I have to go to Vietnam someday?
Oh, honey.
That's not gonna happen.
There will be a whole
different war by then.
I only hope you and I
are on the same side.
The events of
the day also weighed heavily
on other members of the family.
Timmy, I need to know
where the milk went!
To know what? Why... Why are
your hands so sweaty?
Endocrine problems.
Don't try to cleverly change
the subject.
Frank, we are trying to sleep.
Nobody sleeps until
Timmy explains his trick.
Just tell him how you do it.
But I swore an oath
to the Ancient Brotherhood
of Magicians, Jugglers and Fire-eaters.
Even if the enemy takes me
captive, I can't tell.
- What enemy?
- The Fraternal Order of Mimes,
Unicyclists and Sword-swallowers.
Frank, why not try to enjoy
Timmy's trick for what it is?
Life becomes so much less wondrous
when you strip away
all of its mysteries.
Okay! If it shuts you up,
I'll give you the secret
of Timmy's dumb trick.
"Dumb trick," but we're all
talking about it.
I've sworn no oaths
and I'm not frightened
of sword-swallowers.
It's the mimes
you have to watch out for.
But you'll have to wait 'til tomorrow,
after a good night's sleep.
For the friends-and-family
price of ten dollars.
Shake on it.
Oh, you weren't kidding.
That hand is like an armpit.
- Then you should feel my ankles.
- Frank, turn out the light.
Turn...
You being drafted just makes
me feel so powerless.
I'm sorry.
If I could,
you know I'd trade places with you.
But you heard Lawrence.
There are options we could try.
Uh, you could get a college deferment.
You said you wouldn't push
this college stuff on me.
I'm reconsidering now that
the other option is death.
I think it's just better if
I see this draft thing through.
I've got an opportunity
to distinguish myself here.
That's exactly what your dad said.
You're doing this just to impress him.
No.
But he was impressed, right?
I'm not just imagining that.
Will you talk some sense
to your brother?
Don't let Dad bully you.
You gotta think for yourself.
Do what Lawrence tells you...
think for yourself.
I'll be back later for
your mom's driving lesson.
Please, talk to him.
Wendi said I should talk to you,
so here goes.
I enjoy playing basketball.
I do as well.
Shall we?
What a lovely talk.
Horse!
What's the secret of Timmy's trick?
Who are you calling?
"Abraca-Dave's Magic Shop"?
I could have called a magic shop.
But could you get the top
guy on the phone?
Hello?
Hi. Abraca-Dave, please.
There is no Dave.
That was just brilliant marketing.
You're talking to The Great Pepe.
Hi, Pepe. I'm wondering
if you're familiar
with the trick where milk
is poured into the newspaper
- and then...
- Ah, The Reappearing Cow.
That's part of our breakfast line.
I usually pair it with
The Pancakes of Doom.
I need to know how the milk thing works.
Son, I can't just go around divulging...
Wait a minute.
Are you by any chance a mime?
If I was a mime,
would I be talking to you?
I'm asking for my dying grandfather.
Make a noise like you're dying.
Oh! Ah!! I've been shot!
He's got dementia,
but it's his dying wish
to understand that trick.
Nice try, kid. When your grandpa passes,
I'll call him up on the Ouija board
and give him the whole shpiel.
Have a magical day.
Tell Pepe I say hello.
- I want my money back.
- No refunds.
But my business is built on
customer satisfaction, so...
I'm going to help you
re-create the trick.
Anything to wipe that smug smile
off Timmy's face.
- The kid has really got my goat.
- I can help with that, too.
Goat recovery is, like,
80% of what I do.
♪ Well, come on,
all of you big, strong men ♪
♪ Uncle Sam needs your help again ♪
♪ Yeah, he's got himself
in a terrible jam ♪
♪ Way down yonder in Vietnam ♪
♪ So put down your books
and pick up a gun ♪
♪ We're gonna have a whole lotta fun ♪
♪ And it's one, two, three ♪
♪ What are we fighting for? ♪
♪ Don't ask me, I don't give a damn ♪
♪ Next stop is Vietnam ♪
♪ And it's five, six, seven ♪
♪ Open up the pearly gates ♪
♪ Well, there ain't no time
to wonder why ♪
♪ Whoopee! We're all gonna die ♪
All right, I got one, I got one.
Whoo!
Oh! Good.
Lawrence, that doesn't count.
You get one more turn.
Nice shot!
Come here, you! Rrgh!
Let's go!
He's coming up, he's coming up!
Yes!
You can't do that!
House is gonna feel pretty
empty without these two morons.
I'd feel a lot better about this
if I understood
why the heck we were sending
our boys over there.
Well, the price we pay for freedom
is our young men defending it.
No, when I said "our boys,"
I meant our boys.
I'm all for the Flanigans exporting
every one of their drooling chimps.
We put a lot of work into these two.
Honey, Communism is on the march.
We give them Vietnam, they'll
take Thailand, Laos, and Burma.
None of those are places I care about.
If we don't fight them over there,
we'll end up fighting them over here.
Wouldn't that be more convenient?
Mike, I understood World War II,
with Hitler and all those wiseacres,
but this war doesn't even
have any decent villains.
Who am I supposed to
hate this time? Jane Fonda?
That's a good place to start.
I don't want to see
Lawrence go to Canada,
but if he chooses to, we need
to support that decision.
Oh, so now we're trusting our idiot kids
with important life decisions?
Why not let Pat choose if
he wants to see the dentist?
Pat has never been to a dentist.
Because we made that decision for him.
Lawrence is educated.
He's been out in the world.
He stood on that spot where
you're in four states at once.
I think he's smart enough
to make his own decisions.
Mom, Dad,
I've decided I'm going to Vietnam.
Oh, shut up. What do you know?
So now you want to go to Vietnam?
Peg, Peg, he stood on four states.
If this is his decision,
we should stand by it.
Look, I've been thinking about
this mess, and if I don't go,
the Army's not gonna say,
"Well, we're short one man,
I guess we have to forfeit."
They're just gonna draft the next guy.
As long as the next guy's not my son!
Maybe he's someone terrible
that we're better off without.
They could take an axe murderer
or Jerry Lewis...
we're all a little tired of his antics.
Or they could take Eddie...
you think of that?
Or some other guy like Eddie.
And I couldn't live with myself
if something like that were to happen.
We're proud of you, son.
I'm not doing it to make you proud.
All right, here we go.
Prepare to be amazed and humiliated.
You might want to work
on your patter, Frank.
Ignore the hecklers. You're doing great.
Ordinary newspaper...
Ordinary milk, blah-blah-blah.
And now the milk starts
magically disappearing...
disappearing...
like right now.
No milk...
...whatsoever.
Feel pretty stupid yet?
I'm okay.
And now for the big, dumb finish
where the milk reappears in the cereal.
Wh... What's that I hear?
Snap, crackle, and eat it, Timmy!
There! I did it!
I made a bowl of magic cereal
exactly as good as yours.
Ta-da!
I feel like we were one rehearsal short.
Yeah, you got me, Frank.
That is exactly how it's done.
Frank, stop!
- So, did you guys talk?
- Sure we talked.
I told Lawrence that
he shot like our grandma.
Yeah, but then I reminded him that
Grammy Agnes was the star guard
on a ground-breaking CYO women's team.
Led the league in scoring back in 1927.
And then I clarified
that I knew all that.
My comment about Grandma
was a compliment.
- Nah.
- I was expecting you to convince him
to stand up to your father
about Vietnam.
That didn't come up.
And, actually,
I decided I'm going to Vietnam now.
What? I was only gone for like an hour!
- You're going?
- Yeah.
Aw, man.
I hope we end up in the same platoon.
You guys are insane.
If you won't talk
to your father, I will.
- Mr. Cleary.
- Don't, Wendi.
I'll do it. I'll talk to him.
Nope.
Mr. Cleary, you have two boys
about to go off to a war
which even the people running the thing
don't believe in anymore.
This is between me and my two sons.
Not when I really care
about one of them.
It's me, right? Eddie?
I hate the thought of either
of them going over there
just so President Nixon doesn't
look weak before an election.
The president is negotiating
an honorable peace to this war,
which he'll only get
by waging it aggressively.
More war leading to peace.
A lot of people think that's crazy.
A lot of people who don't
really love this country.
Or they love it enough to
criticize it so it can be better,
the way you do with
someone you really care about.
Is that why you and Mom
always criticize me?
No, it's because you do dumb stuff.
- Good call.
- Do you see what you do to him?
Eddie is starved for your approval.
You've a weird power over these boys.
All right! That's enough, Wendi.
No, it really isn't.
I'm sorry, Mr. Cleary,
but I'm worried that Eddie is
going to get himself killed
just hoping you'll say
you're proud of him.
We should get started
on that driving lesson.
Right now.
I know you agree with me about
Eddie and Lawrence.
With Mike, you have to handle
things with a light touch.
Mom ran over Lawrence!
We'll know more in a day or two,
but we're looking at about
three months in that cast.
Now, I know he's supposed
to report to basic training,
but that's off the table for now.
You did this on purpose.
I'll forgive you for saying that
because you're in shock
from your broken foot.
Yeah, which you gave me. On purpose.
The "D" and the "R" on the steering
column are very confusing.
Okay, enough of the silly speculation.
This was definitely an accident.
'Cause our insurance
doesn't cover vehicular assault.
I had a plan, Dad.
I really wanted to do this right.
Sometimes these choices
get made for us...
by a higher power.
- Where's Eddie?
- You steer clear of Eddie.
I'll deal with him.
Take a walk with me.
Just him.
You and I have talked enough today.
Oh, looky here.
Nothing warms the heart more
than the sight of a baby
that I don't have to feed
and clothe for two decades.
Hello.
You are not my problem.
You know why hospitals
have these big windows
- in the baby room?
- Hang on, doesn't it go,
"Why do Polish hospitals
have these big windows?"
- 'Cause I think I know this one.
- No.
The school nurse told me
they have these windows
mostly for other people...
people who are sick,
people visiting loved ones
who aren't doing so well.
They can walk down the corridor,
look in, and see life.
- See hope.
- I get it.
Didn't you used to talk
about being a doctor
- when you were little?
- A nurse, actually.
A nurse, doctor.
Neither's better than the other...
except doctor's better.
I used to pretend to be sick
and get out of class
to hang out with Nurse Gail at school.
She had lollipops.
That story tells me you might
have the stuff to be a doctor.
- Or a nurse.
- Or a doctor.
Bottom line, you like people.
I like lollipops.
But you're a caring person.
It's a special talent,
like playing the fiddle,
or Evel Knievel.
If you get your grades up,
you can get yourself
into a decent medical program.
Wendi really wants me
to go to college, too.
That one has a lot of opinions.
It's still a good idea.
It sounds really hard, Dad.
I'd like to see you give it a shot.
You should know
there's more than one way
to make me proud of you.
A couple months later, President Nixon
ended the draft,
sparing my brothers
any further physical peril
from either the
North Vietnamese or my mom.
The Reappearing Cow.
Page 152.
What are you trying to pull?
That's a trick book, right?
I-I open it and a knife pops out
and slices my throat.
What would be the point of that?
Making me look dumb.
Like everybody who gets a chance
to peek behind the curtain,
Frank discovered that the knowing
is often not as much
as fun as the not-knowing.
Hmm.
That's it?
Yeah.
I almost wish a knife had popped out.
I don't have a knife,
but how about...
this?!
- How did you do that?
- Sorry, man.
The answer was in the book.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com