The Kids Are Alright (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Mailbox - full transcript

Ah, thanks for the driving lesson.

- Sorry about my language.
- That's okay, Mrs. Cleary.

I live near a construction site.

I just think it's exciting
that you're taking this step

towards your independence as a woman.

I'm learning to drive as a
person, not as a woman.

If I were learning as a woman,

I'd have you teach me
how to drive badly.

That's one of Mike's jokes.

Which is why I'm not
letting him teach me.

- Welcome home, ladies.
- Oh, jeez, Frank,



you're always somewhere.

Wendi, I heard you went to that
Germaine Greer book-signing.

Have you read "The Female Eunuch"?

Sadly, I can't. That's in the
adult section at the library.

I only have the light blue card.

- Well, you can borrow mine.
- Thank you.

Just please don't tell Mrs.
Cryer, the head librarian.

She holds me in such high regard.

The most dangerous thing around my house

growing up wasn't the power mower

or the asbestos in the ceiling.

It was a bored Cleary boy
looking to stir things up.

She's such a nice girl.

Exactly. Not my type at all.



But I could have used some lab goggles,

'cause you two have real chemistry.

What? That's crazy.

Come on, the old
"lendy-loo" with the book?

She made up an excuse to see you again.

So you can exchange thoughts.
And perhaps, saliva.

Stop. That's disgusting.

But... really? You think?

Who's up for some SAT prep?

That's a "rhetorical" question, right?

See? No need to study.

Can you believe someone threw this away?

It doesn't even have a shade.

We have a little saying
in the garbage game...

the alley will provide.

Your friends on the truck
should have another saying...

"I should have studied for the SATs."

It's just a summer job, but it rules.

I'm outside. It's exercise.
I'm cleaning up this town.

I'm like a superhero...
Garbage Man! Or...

Trash Man?

Which do you like?

I prefer your secret identity,
mild-mannered Eddie

who wants to get into
Berkeley with his girlfriend.

I need you to take the SAT this summer

so you can take it again in the fall

- and maybe get your score up.
- Assuming I don't get

a perfect score first time out.

Yeah, let's take that leap.

Now, can we please study?

Ugh, I've been up since 6:00 a.m.

Want to make out by the
light of the garbage lamp?

This is the third time
I've been over this week,

and I can't get you
to focus on the test.

It's like a million years from now.

It's 11 days.

I should probably register.

What? It's too late!

Now I'm really annoyed.

I'm starting to feel like

I care more about your
future than you do.

- I can't make you do this, Eddie.
- That's a relief.

It's not a relief. It's a big problem.

Maybe we just go to city
college for a while.

No way. I want to get out of here

and do something with my life.

I heard they have a class
that goes to a real farm.

We shouldn't even be
talking about Wendi.

She's Eddie's girlfriend.

But you two are such a better match.

She may be dating Eddie
just to get close to you.

I know that's what I'd do.

If you were interested in
me, you would date Eddie?

100%. It's the smart play.

Huh. This is starting to
make a lot of sense now.

Hey! Where are you going?

That's exactly what I'm asking myself.

I need to be with someone
who wants what I want.

I totally do. Just explain
again what it is,

- and I'll want it.
- You can't do it for me.

You've got to want it for yourself.

Then I'll want it for myself,
if that's what you want.

Eddie, I'm not going to
let you hold me back.

I think we should take a break.

For how long?

I guess... for always?

The smart, mature choice

would be to face facts now and end this.

I'm sorry.

Perfect time to make your move.

I did it.

I wrote it all down
in a letter to Wendi.

A letter plays to your strengths.

People like you more when
you're not in the room.

Oh, totally!

Plus, I'd get nervous if I
had to pour my heart out

- like this in person.
- Sounds juicy.

"Dear Wendi, Statistics
show college graduates earn

on average 52% more than their
non-college counterparts."

- You don't mess around, do you?
- There's more. Keep reading.

"And as a fellow honors student... "

Enough with the brainy stuff.

- Talk about your bod.
- You think?

And don't forget your
other accomplishments...

don't you know how to use nunchucks?

Plus I just got an award for penmanship.

She's got eyes. She'll
see that for herself.

Hey, Mom. Mom.

We decided we want to camp
out in the yard tonight.

Oh, a do-it-yourself vacation.

I like the resourcefulness,

and the price tag.

Fine, but I want somebody
keeping an eye on you.

Other than the weird guy who
lives in the apartment building.

I'm the oldest. I'll keep everyone safe.

In that case, take this.

Coming, Andy!

Oh, Hells bells,

is Weepy Magee still
milking that breakup?

It was only 20 minutes ago.

And what's this gonna do to my
friendship with Wendi, huh?

Did Eddie even think about that

before he went and got himself dumped?

Does that kid ever think about anything?

You should probably go talk to him.

Please Peg, don't make
me go back in there.

Eddie needs someone to
tell him he's a great guy

and he'll find another girl
just as good as Wendi.

He'll never believe it coming from me.

"So allow me to close with
a few bullet points."

"Future earning potential, check.

16-inch vertical leap, check.

I hope you will give
this romantic overture

serious consideration and
respond in the affirmative.

Best regards, Francis X. Cleary."

Really?

I almost feel sorry for her.

Don't overthink this. Go
mail that letter now,

then just wait for the
love to come pouring back.

If I hurry, I can make the last pickup.

- I can't thank you enough.
- Seeing how this plays out

will be all the thanks I need.

How ya doing, sport?

So bad!

I just keep thinking about...

I just keep thinking about that
Dodger game last night, huh?

Manny Mota, he sure came through.

He always comes off
the bench pretty hot.

Wendi always says...

Let me tell you a little story.

During the war, there was
a certain "mademoiselle"

outside of Paris named Sandrine
who I was very sweet on.

But she threw me aside

for this fast-talking
hilljack from West Virginia.

I'd like to bump into
that clown some day.

Is that it?

My point is, there's
other fish in the sea.

So you just got to get
back on that horse and...

... and fish.

Sutton's pitching tomorrow.

What time are you done with the garbage?

Oh, I couldn't work tomorrow.

- I'm calling in sick.
- Whoa, whoa, no, no.

I had to pull some strings with
Stan Borson at City Services

to get you in there, and now I
got to go look at his boat.

- But Dad!
- You slobber into your pillow

for another 12 hours, and at
6:00 a.m., it's trash time.

I'll put you down as a
maybe for the Dodger game.

I'm stoked about you fellas
camping out here tonight,

communing with nature.

Do you think the coyotes
will kill us in our sleep?

You'll be out here under
the protection of Hutash,

the Great Spirit Mother
of the Chumash Indians.

Let us never forget that we
stole this land from them.

How can we forget?

You ruin every Thanksgiving
with that bummer story.

There he is!

- Did you send it?
- Wait, what's going on?

I mailed a letter to
Wendi pleading my case

as to why she should be my girlfriend.

Joey'll tell you.

Joey put you up to this?

- Oh, no.
- You're kidding?

I'm like two and I know that was dumb.

Oh...

Oh, I should've known you
were being too nice.

Stupid, stupid, Frank!

My one regret is I didn't make
a copy of that primo letter,

but I have whole chunks
committed to memory.

I'll be doing a reading at 7:00 p.m.

in the tree house tonight,
with light snacks.

Oh. I can fix this.

I'll get the letter back!

Whatever Frank's plan was,

he was likely to only make things worse,

and as brothers we had
a duty to witness it.

Dang it!

My bicep is too big...

I should not have done those
pushups this morning.

Hey, your arms are skinny. You try.

Okay.

It's like they don't want
you to reach the mail.

Hey! What are you hoodlums doing?

- Nothing.
- Get out of there.

Sorry, sir.

Tampering with a mailbox
is a federal crime.

The thing is, Mr. Mailman,

I-I need that letter right there.

- This one?
- It's a love letter

I wrote to my brother's girlfriend.

Nice try, but you're out of luck.

Once something goes down that slot,

it belongs to Uncle Sam

till it reaches its destination.

After that you can wipe
your butts with it.

- Some do.
- Please!

- Can you make an exception?
- No.

And if I catch you
urchins tampering again,

I'll have you sent to juvenile hall.

What am I gonna do now?

Confess to Eddie. Take your beating.

He needs something to cheer him up.

I'll look like such an
idiot in front of Wendi,

in front of everybody.

That letter should get
there today or tomorrow.

You could be a big
weirdo and hang around

Wendi's mailbox until it arrives.

Yeah... yeah, that weirdo
thing is perfect for me.

Thanks!

Where'd Pat go?

I'm in here!

Why are you in the mailbox?

I climbed in the door
when nobody was looking.

Then the mailman locked
me in. And then...

nope, that's everything!

Look, next pickup isn't
till 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

And if Mom finds out, she's
totally gonna blame me.

I knew Mom should've left me in charge.

With Eddie's broken heart,
Frank's impending humiliation,

and Pat currently property
of the U.S. Postal Service,

you would've thought the
dinner conversation

would've been more interesting.

I can't eat.

You should get dumped more often.

Real nice, Joey.

You're judging me for making
a move on Eddie's meatball?

Maybe you should put that in a letter.

It's not a bad habit for
you kids to get into...

writing letters to each other.

My sister Florence and I
still write twice a week,

whether we have anything to say or not.

I've got pie for dessert.
Serve yourselves.

I'm going out tonight with Wendi.

Eddie's Wendi?

Well, she's not Eddie's Wendi anymore.

She never truly was. You can't
possess another human being.

- Also she dumped him.
- So now she's just Wendi.

Well, if you really think about
it, she's not even that.

Names are just labels, man.

- Why are you doing this to me?
- Wendi's my friend too.

We've been trying to get together.

She suddenly has more free time.

I'll be in my room.

Set your alarm for 6:00 a.m.

Garbage is your girlfriend now.

- Where's Pat?
- Outside in the tent.

Outside.

Yeah, he was just so
excited to go camping

that he couldn't wait till after dinner.

It was very cute.

It's such a fun age.

- I should see if he's okay.
- Or you can use this,

'cause he's pretending
he's an Arctic explorer.

Ugh. Children's imaginations.

Another time it would've
been called mental illness.

Hello, Arctic Explorer Pat.

Hey, Mommy!

Everything all right out there?

I'm fine. I love it in the tent.

Thank you!

Do you want any dinner?

I made spaghetti with that sauce
that looks like tomato sauce.

I'm good. I have camping snacks and gum.

All right, I'll check on you later.

You don't have to check on him.

William and I will be
out there all night.

I'm not really going to...
it's just something you say.

Have you seen Dad's binoculars?

If you're looking for your scruples,

might I suggest a microscope?

I need the binoculars. I'm
staking out Wendi's house

- so I can get the letter back.
- Oh, and that way Eddie and Wendi

- will never know you wrote it.
- That's the plan.

- But you'll know.
- I have to know...

I'm the guy making the plan.

You tried to snake your
brother's girlfriend, man.

I know. I know. And it was stupid.

- I feel terrible now.
- That's your conscience.

It's a caring friend who tells you

when you've done something wrong.

Wow, are you sure you don't
want to be a priest?

Nah. Chicks.

Pat, we're back!

And we brought supplies.

All right! Flashlight.

Ow!

Water.

Ow!

Teddy bear.

- Ow!
- The teddy bear didn't hurt.

I hit myself with the flashlight.

Is there anything else you need?

I'm okay... I love my
new life in the box.

Except I really have to pee.

- Oh, no.
- Oh. Uh...

D-Don't... Just wait.

We're gonna bring you
a jar or something.

Oh, never mind. I figured it out.

No...

Pat, you can't do that!

I'm just emptying the bota
bag so I can go in it.

"The time we spent together

were the happiest days of my life."

Enough with the feelings...
talk about your bod.

- What are you doing?
- Joey had this idea

I could get Wendi back if I
wrote a good enough letter.

Maybe you could help...

you've got a knack for
romantic correspondence.

Yeah, and didn't you win
some penmanship prize?

Just a certificate. And
a coupon for Arby's.

I'll be outside checking
on Pat and those guys.

This is stupid, I'm
no good with writing.

Hi, Mom. How was Wendi?

Did you smell her? She
usually smells really good.

Everything outside of this
house smells good to me.

- Did you two have fun?
- No, actually.

If you must know, I ended
my friendship with Wendi.

For you.

- You broke up with her?
- Wendi's having a big day.

Well, I'm not happy about it.

I don't know if you know this,

but I don't have a lot
of female friends.

Or male friends.

Or even animals I get along with.

But you have to make certain
sacrifices for your children.

- Thank you, Mom.
- You'll understand one day

when you have kids of
your own with someone

not quite as good as Wendi.

Does Pat have Dad's binoculars?

I know he sometimes uses them

for that fake talk show
he does with ants.

I don't think so.

- Well, I'll just ask him myself.
- Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

Hey, Pat, do you have Dad's binoculars?

I wish. I can't see
anything in this mailbox.

Whoa, y... What's going on?

That is exactly the
question on the table.

Where is Pat? And why does
he claim to be in a mailbox?

That's just something he says...
when he's in a mailbox.

Wait, he's been stuck in
there since this afternoon?

That's crazy! He must be panicking.

I'm okay!

You guys were just
gonna leave him there?

He's a little kid and it's after dark.

It's after dark?!

I didn't know that because
it's dark in here.

Then what difference does it make?

Because now I know!

The monsters feed at night.

Oh, I got to get him out of there.

What do we do? What do we do?

I guess we'll have to get him out.

Good morning, Dad.

- Want a cup of Joe?
- Smells good.

I've been fiddling with my recipe.

That kick you taste is cinnamon.

Seen Eddie?

Like angels.

So precious when they're sleeping.

Sweet.

Mopey, let's go. Up and at 'em.

I don't want to, Dad. I'm too unhappy.

Welcome to being an adult...

If you can wait five minutes,
my biscuits will be ready.

He can't. Keep moving.

It's the best thing for him.

When stuff like this happens,
there's nothing like work

to keep your mind off your troubles.

He might need to talk about his troubles

before he can get his mind off them.

I already gave him the
top-of-the-line advice...

"get back on the horse,"
"fish in the sea."

Well, maybe it's not advice he needs.

Eddie might need to feel
like someone is listening.

You can't fix his sadness,

but you can make him feel less alone.

- You're only 10?
- Yep.

Well, you're my favorite right now.

Thanks.

Need a warm up?

Top me off.

Dad? Why are you here?

Did you bring me a biscuit?

I did, but, uh, I ate it in the car.

I've been thinking about that sweet loot

you've been bringing home.

I thought I'd get in on that.

Let's go. It's not gonna
smell any better in an hour.

My dad finally figured out
how to be there for Eddie.

It worked out for both of them.

Eddie got to pour his heart out, and...

because of the noise of the truck...

Dad didn't have to hear a word of it.

Also he found some sunglasses.

Oh! Wendi. So weird
running into you here.

Yeah, it is weird for
you to be on my porch.

With my family's mail.

I-I was just passing by,

saw the mailman, thought I'd
save you a trip to the box.

You thought you'd save
me a trip to do this?

Did Eddie ask you to spy on me?

Honestly, he didn't.

Well, there's no other
sensible explanation

unless you've suddenly
fallen in love with me.

But seriously.

I am kind of here because of Eddie...

not that he asked me, but...

I'm worried about the guy.

- He's heartbroken.
- I am too.

That wasn't an easy decision.

But how can I have a future with
a man with no drive to succeed?

I'm sorry, have we gone
back in a time machine?

I thought this was 1972, not 1970.

- What?
- Wh...

Men and women aren't bound
by the same strictures

they were even a couple years ago.

"You've come a long way,
baby." Sound familiar?

Getting this magazine says
you are a modern woman,

yet you've got some pretty
old-timey ideas about men.

I just want him to be
the best he can be.

Well, he's there.

He's already the best.

He cares about other people,

and he's always ready to help.

That's true.

Eddie may not be a fancy

merit-badge-winning honor student

with penmanship that wins
delicious sandwiches,

but...

those guys can be selfish jerks.

Whereas Eddie will
always have your back.

You've given me something
to think about, Frank.

Thank you.

Eddie is lucky to have you as a brother.

Better that than a romantic rival

which would not end well for
him with my vertical leap

and future earning power.

Have a great day.

- Hi, Eddie.
- Wendi?

What are you doing?

I collected these from my route.

I don't think people throw away
light bulbs that are still...

We have a winner!

See? I knew this was a good idea.

I came here to make up with you,

but now I'm reconsidering.

I want to make up with you too.

I would go bananas for that to happen.

But... I am worried I'm never
gonna be what you want.

I mean, Berkeley is
really a reach for me.

I tried writing you a letter
last night and it was garbage.

And I know garbage...
I'm a professional.

Let's just both try our
best and see what happens.

And if Berkeley doesn't work out,

you've got other things going for you.

That's the thing that stuck with me

after my conversation with Frank.

What conversation with Frank?

He came to my house this morning.

Frank was at your house?

That guy.

Frank? Frank?

- Frank?
- Is everything okay?

You were at Wendi's house?

Um, gosh, uh... yeah.

But I never found the binoculars,

so I-I couldn't see much.

- Thank you!
- Okay. You're welcome.

I was just telling Eddie how you
helped bring us back together.

- As was my intention.
- Such a great brother.

Wendi, get in here.

Looks like you two have
settled your little dust-up.

I'm not sure what
Frank's doing in there.

I'm not surprised though,
he's always somewhere.

Everything is copacetic.

Maybe now's a good time to have
another driving lesson, huh?

I kinda want to hang out with Wendi.

You already know how to
drive. Don't be selfish.

I just saw that "French
Connection" movie...

I want to try that.

I'm glad you and Eddie
patched things up.

As a mother, you can
never really be happy

when one of your children is unhappy.

'Cause they will not be quiet about it.

Well, I'm sorry for what
we put you through.

I've been waiting for
that apology, thank you.

I'm glad that we can keep
up with these lessons.

- Mm.
- You're doing so well.

I got to say, I really
like the feeling of power.

As a female driver, you gain a
feeling of freedom and autonomy.

I could just push my foot all
the way down to the floor

and drive right into
that wall over there.

Good luck raising the kids, Mike.

Uh, I think maybe that's
enough for today, Mrs. Cleary.

Mike would not last two hours...

♪ ... earth move under my feet ♪
-- Wendy's eyes widen, she looks at...

♪ I feel the sky tumbling down ♪
-- Peggy. Wendy laughs