The Jeffersons (1975–1985): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Expectant Father - full transcript

♪ Well, we're movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

♪ Movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie

♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

♪ Beans don't burn
on the grill

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin'

♪ Just to get up that hill

♪ Now we're up
in the big leagues



♪ Gettin' our turn at bat

♪ As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

♪ There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

♪ We're movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

♪ Movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie ♪

Willis, you're wrong.

After the baby's born,
Lionel should get

life insurance
from Freedom Mutual.

No, George, Plymouth Rock
has got the best coverage.

Freedom's only been
around five years.



That's because Freedom Mutual
is a black-owned company.

Every time we go
door-to-door, one of you all
has us busted for loitering.

Look, George,
I'm talking about experience.

And Plymouth Rock
has been around for years.

So has the Klan,
I'm not havin' Lionel
sign up with them, either.

George, we found it!

The perfect gift
for Lionel and Jenny.

And right out of
the Baberama catalog.

Just listen to this.

"VIP Deluxe Baby Carriage.

"Comes complete with
insulated padding,

"rain guard, storage area,
sun roof, linen,

"and monogrammed body sides."

What? No Jacuzzi?

Man, things sure have changed
since we were growing up.

Oh, I had
something like that
when I was a child.

You did?
Yeah.

Only we called it a house.

And I'll bet
it cost less than
this carriage, too.

Look, Lionel and Jenny
ain't gotta worry about
what nothin' costs,

'cause whatever they want,
I'm payin' for.

You mean,
we're paying for.
I'm paying for.

Oh, please.
Can't you two agree
on anything?

No!
Yes!

George, we're all
going to pay for it.

So just call a truce
before the man from
the baby store gets here.

Tom, why don't you
help George set up
the slide projector?

You two should be
able to manage that
without fighting.

Yeah, sure. Come on, Willis,
help me carry the stuff.

Uh, George,
we're going to need
a 12-foot extension cord.

Eight-foot.
Twelve.

We don't have nothin'
that long, unless you
take off your belt.

Well, we've decided
on the carriage.

Now the problem is
which grandfather
gets to use it first.

Oh, Louise, suppose
the children don't
choose the carriage

we picked for them.

Well, Helen, it is up to them
to choose what they like.

Right.

I mean, who are we to start
making decisions for them?

Sure.

They're old enough to do it
without our help.

They're adults.
Right.

So, what'll it be,
the blue one or the red one?

Miss Jefferson,
these are the hors d'oeuvres
you asked me to make.

Oh, thank you, Florence.

I sure hope
Lionel and Jenny
get here soon.

Some of these toothpicks
are startin' to take root.

Oh, the children should
be here any minute.

Okay. But don't blame me
if the baby's first words are,

"How do you spell relief?"

Well, Lionel and Jenny are late.

I hope they didn't forget.

Oh, no.
I talked to Jenny today

and they're just as excited
about all this as we are.

Oh, well, come on, Lionel,
we're late.

Ah, this is a drag.

Will you stop calling it a drag?

It hasn't even started yet.

Jenny, we're goin' to
look at baby furniture.

Now, how many people
you know come talkin' about,

"Man, that was some heavy
baby furniture, blood.

"I mean, like, next time,
I'm gonna get there early

"before the furniture
groupies show up."

Are you finished?

Look, what's the big deal?

Baby, you could've done
this yourself and let me
go to the Jets game.

The Jets game.
Now, that's a drag.

But I had a seat
on the 50-yard line.

So what? All they do is
run around and pat
each other on the butt.

You can see that for nothing
at Times Square.

Jenny.

Honey, this is important
to our parents.

I'll let you know
if this is taking too long.

Yeah? How?

I'll start going into labor.

Jenny! Lionel!
Hi, Ma.

George! Tom!
Lionel and Jenny are here.

Hello.

Oh, isn't the salesman here yet?

No, but he's on his way.

The traffic is heavy
because of some
dumb football game.

Lionel. Hey, Lionel, look...

Lionel, Lionel,
don't listen
to a word he says.

What?

When you get life insurance,
get Freedom Mutual.

Get Plymouth Rock, Lionel.

Look, I'm his father.
I know a black company
is best for him.

Lionel, my company
has more branches
than his company.

My company's got more roots.

Lionel,
you're a bright young man
with a growing family.

A growing black family.

Ahem.

Well, dark grey, so what?

Lionel, have you ever
thought what will happen
when you're gone?

Gone where?
Gone dead.

You know something I don't know?

We're talking
about life insurance.
Think about it, Lionel.

Hors d'oeuvres.

Uh-oh, think fast.

George, maybe Lionel
doesn't want to talk about
life insurance right now.

Thanks, Mom.

He ought to think about
savings bonds first.

What?
Or the payroll savings plan.

It's for the baby's education.

But the baby's
not even born yet.

You have to plan ahead.

Yeah, it's never
too early, Lionel.

Helen is right.

So you ought to
get savings bonds.

Get life insurance first.
Freedom Mutual.

Get Plymouth Rock.

And if none of that suits you,
you can get the door.

Willis, will you mind
your business?

My son...

Hey! Hey!

Wait a minute. But...

Hi. Nathan Weems,
Baberama Industries.

Yeah. Any word on the Jets?

The Jets?
Yeah.

Well, I think the DC-1Os
are flying again.

Hi, Mr. Weems.

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.
Is everybody here?

Yes. George, could you
set up the equipment?

Sure, Weezy.

Now, where are
the prospective parents?

Oh, right here.

Aw, what a lovely couple.

Thank you.

And this is my son, Lionel.

Hi.

I'm Helen Willis,
and this is my daughter,
Jenny.

Hello.
It's good to meet you.

You must be very proud
of your daughter.

We certainly are.
Yes, I...

Oh. Who are you?

Her father.
Oh.

Oh, yes.
I can see the resemblance.

You know, Jenny,
we're very proud of
this year's nursery line.

And you know our motto.

♪ Parents need not
suffer trauma

♪ When they shop at Baberama ♪

Well, it's better
with the music.

I'm sure you're going
to be very interested
in seeing these slides.

How many did you bring?

Well, I didn't know exactly
what you were looking for,

so I brought our entire line.

Oh, great.

And just wait until you see
our new wallpaper selection.

We've already gotten
rave reviews about it.

Wow, I can hardly wait.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

We prefer to
look upon infants
as empty sponges,

just yearning to soak up
all the knowledge of
the world around them.

For instance, take our new
Daily Gazette wallpaper.

It's done up in a little
newspaper motif.

It's covered with little
headlines and comic strips,
stock reports, classifieds,

even a little
weather report for babies.

Dry today, damp tomorrow?

And then there's our
new disco motif we call
our "Boogie Baby" line.

Hey, these hors d'oeuvres
ain't bad, Lionel.
You want to try one?

Uh, no, thanks.
I lost my appetite.

And for the really
"with it" couple,

we have our
Marvin vs. Marvin wallpaper.

What's that?

We use a special paste.

It only sticks together
for six years.

That's a little Baberama
humor there. No charge.

Okay, we're all set.

Wonderful.

Oh, before we see
the slides, I want you
to look through this,

so that you can see
all the different colors.

Lionel? Lionel,
the show's about to start.

Huh? Uh, I don't
feel so good.

Why don't you just
go on without me?

Oh, but you might see
something you like.

I said I...

I don't feel like
looking at the slides.

Dude brought
the whole store over here.

Oh, that doesn't mean
we have to see everything.

We can't.
By the time he's finished,
the kid'll be in high school.

Lionel...

Jenny,
just leave me alone, okay?

What's the matter with you?

I'm tired.

I mean, you see the way
everybody's acting?

I missed my football game

for life insurance,
savings bonds,
and wallpaper slides.

Well, what do you want,
a baby or a touchdown?

I want to call a time out.

Lionel, our parents went
out of their way to
give us this slide show,

and the least
you can do is watch.

Jenny...
Oh, now, look, I don't want
to talk about it anymore.

Now you might as well get ready,

because you're going
over there and you are going
to watch those slides.

Well, you're only half right,
'cause I'm just going.

Lionel, don't you dare
walk out of here.

Wait a minute. Where do
you think you're going?
Out!

Oh, Jenny, what happened?

Lionel split.
That's what happened!

Well, wherever he goes,
he won't get a better deal
than Baberama.

You mean to tell me
all this happened

just because
Lionel couldn't go
to a football game?

No, no.
It's more than that. It's...

It's...
I don't know what it is.

You could find out.

We carry a whole line
of reference books.
Only $89.95.

You know, maybe Lionel's sick.

He didn't eat
none of my hors d'oeuvres.

Good. Then there's
still some hope.

Everybody wait here
till I come back.
Including you, Weems.

Oh, maybe I better
come back another time.

Will 20 bucks make you
change your mind?

Well, where were we?

I'm going to find Lionel.
I'll go with you.

You stay here, Willis,
this is a family affair.

But I'm family.

Don't rub it in.

Hey, Charlie, how about
another Timberwolf?

Another Timberwolf?
What are you,
at war with your liver?

Family troubles, man,
family troubles.

I could've been
on the fifty-yard line
watching the Jets.

But, no, I got to hang around
and watch baby furniture.

Oh, traded box seats
for potty seats, huh?

You call that justice?

Hey, don't worry, Lionel.
I mean, that game was nothing
to write home about.

That's good.

I mean, so what if the game
went into overtime?

Overtime?

Oh, come on,
it was an insult
to the sport.

I mean even with
that last-second touchdown.

Last-second touchdown?

Look, the pass bounced off
four players' hands

before the tight end grabbed it,

flipped it to the halfback,

who fell into the end zone

with six guys on his back
at the final gun.

Talk about sloppy!

Make that a double.

Hey, Lionel.

Pop, how did you know
I was here?
Ralph told me.

But I gave him $10
to keep his mouth shut.

I know,
and I gave him
$20 to point.

Charlie, I'll have
what Lionel's drinking.
Yeah, coming up.

That? Oh, Pop...

I'll tell you what it is.
It's a waste of time.

You got a mother upstairs
worried sick and a wife
crying her eyes out.

Hey, man, I'm sorry,
but I had to get out.

Besides, Jenny's always crying.

This morning she cried
during Popeye.

Yeah, Weezy used to
cry all the time

when she was pregnant.
Yeah?

How about after I was born?

No, the doctor bill came
and I cried.

Thanks, Charlie.

Your funeral.

Come on, Lionel.
What's the problem?

I don't know, Pop.
I mean, it's funny...

You okay, Pop?

Damn, man. What the hell
is in this stuff?

It's called a Timberwolf.

Tastes more like a forest fire.

Like I was saying, see...
See, when Jenny
first got pregnant,

I was all for having the baby,

but now I just feel so boxed-in.

I gotta act a certain way
and be somebody
I'm not even sure I am.

I Just don't feel really happy.

Am I making any sense, Pop?
Uh-uh.

Look, Lionel,
now you got a good job,

you got a good wife,
and you're going to be
a father.

Take away your in-laws,
and everything's going great!

But don't you see, Pop?
Savings bonds, nursery slides,
life insurance...

Freedom Mutual, right?

Who cares?
Maybe I'm just not ready
to be a father.

Now, that's stupid, Lionel.

I mean, being a father
can be a lot of fun.

I remember when you
was a baby, every time you
used to make a noise,

you'd smile like this.

I did?
Yeah.

But it was only gas.

Though it was good gas.

Yeah, I loved that gas.

Aw, come on, Pop.

Lionel,
I'm telling you, it's fun!

You know, like,
I used to hold you in my arms,

walking the floor
at 3:00 in the morning,

making bottles,

changing diapers,

wiping up drool...

I need another drink.

You see what I mean?
I don't know, Pop.

I just feel so trapped
all of a sudden.

That just means
you're growing up.

Maybe I don't wanna grow up.

Well, in that case,
drink this.
It'll stunt anybody's growth.

Thanks again.

I mean,
I don't want to
grow up so fast.

It seems like I just
went to sleep, woke up,
and I'm gonna be a father.

That's because of what you did
before you went to sleep.

But, you see...

See, you don't understand, Pop.

Now I got responsibilities.

I can't even do
what I want to anymore.

Well, what do you want to do?

I don't know.

Then how do you know
you ain't already doing it?

See, you know what I mean.

Pop, I mean,
I can't hitchhike
across the country.

I can't sneak into the movies.

I... I can't even
paint my name on a bridge.

That's your problem?
You want to paint your name
on a bridge?

I ain't saying that.

I'm just saying,
if I wanted to I can't
and I can't if I wanted to.

'Cause I can't.

Oh.

Well, if you could,

what bridge
would you wanna paint
your name on?

Well, you know... you know
the 145th Street Bridge?

Ain't that the one
on 145th Street?

Yeah, right, right, in Harlem.
Mmm-hmm.

When I was a kid
I always wanted to
paint my name on that bridge.

Now I can't.

Why can't you?
The bridge is still there.

Yeah...
And you're still here,
ain't you?

Sure, but...
Well, what're we waiting for?

Let's go paint your name
on that bridge.

All right!

Hey, Pop, Pop.

How come you tipped the cabbie
with a can of spray paint?

Didn't you see his picture
on his sun visor?
Yeah.

Well, then,
if you looked like that,

wouldn't you want
your face covered up?

Where do you want
to put your name?

On the outside of that pillar
where everybody can see it.

I'll just climb up there.

Hey, Lionel, be careful.
We're 200 feet up.
There's water down there.

No, that's the Harlem River.

You don't start
hitting water till
40 miles upstream.

Okay, now when I get up there
you hold my legs.

Okay, but, look,
I ain't exactly sober now.

Oh, big deal, neither am I.

Oh, right.

But suppose you fall.

Well, then, you catch me.

But you're going to
be way down there!

Then I'll catch you.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Ain't nothing to this.

Am I there yet?

No.

Why not?

Well, the pillar ain't moved.

Okay, okay, now, hold my hand.

All right, you holding?
I'm holding, I'm holding.

You sure you're holding?

I said I'm holding it.
Okay.

Okay, where's the spray paint?

Right over here.

Okay, I got you!
It's okay, I got you.

Oh, Lord!

Now what's wrong?
I know I fell.

No, you didn't.

Done look like Sam did.

Say what?

There ain't enough room
down here.

I'm gonna have to
climb up higher.

Be careful, Lionel.

All right.

All right now, okay,
hand me the spray paint.

Hey, this is great up here,
ain't it, Lionel?

Yeah.

Yeah, me and my running buddies

used to come up here
all the time.

Chauncey White,

Fat Tommy Roberts...
You remember them?
Sure!

Yeah, yeah.

I wonder what ever happened
to them cats.

Oh, man,
they're probably all
married and working.

Yeah, yeah...

Too bad they can't
see you now, huh?

Yeah, too bad.

See that? And you said
you didn't know how to act
like a kid no more.

Yeah.

Boy, this is great,
ain't it, Lionel?

Yeah.

Paint that sucker!

What're you doing?

Gettin' down.

But you ain't even
put your name...
I know.

What're you getting...
I changed my mind, Pop.

I don't wanna paint my name
on a bridge.

Oh, Lord.
Now what do you wanna do?

Rip-off a Goodyear blimp?

See this whole thing is silly.
I'm... I'm a grown man now.

That's right,
you're a grown man.

You ain't no kid no more.

Yeah.

Except sometimes
I still act like a kid, huh?

Well...

I'm lucky to have
a father like you
to help me out.

Yeah, well, see,
that's what being a father
is all about.

And after your baby is born,

then you'll be able
to help him out.

Well, I just hope
I can do as good a job
raising my kid

as you did with me.

Aw, thanks, Lionel.

No, Pop.
Hey, thank you, man.

Oh!

Well, we better get goin'.
I want to apologize to Jenny.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Imagine, two grown men
gonna spray-paint a bridge.

Ain't that ridiculous?
It's crazy!

Dumb.
It's stupid!

Me first.
You got it.

Mr. Weems,
I'm sorry George and Lionel
aren't back yet.

Me too.
Mr. Jefferson promised me $20.

I should have let Lionel
go to that football game.

This is all my fault.

So then... So then...
So then Fat Tommy says,

"Man, babies can't live
in somebody's stomach.

"How they goin' to eat
when they ain't got
no bottle?"

George.

Do you realize what time it is?

I can't see my watch.

You're not wearing one.

Oh!

For a minute,
I thought I was going blind.

Oh, Lionel!
Lionel, are you all right?

Yeah, Jenny, I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Hey, don't worry about me.
I'm a grown man.

Well, then, where've you been?

Well, that's not important.

As far as I'm concerned,
I'm holding what's important.

See that, Weezy?
I took care of everything.

Yeah, and it smells
like it was all 90 proof.

George, where did you go?

Uh, Mrs. Jefferson,
speaking of going...

I've already been through
my entire presentation twice,

and confidentially,
I'm beginning to bore myself.

Oh, Weems, I'm sorry!

Here, a little something
for your troubles.

Oh...

And what about our trouble?

You married your trouble!

Uh, look, uh, Mr. Weems,

I know
it's late and everything
but, uh,

do you suppose
you could show us
those slides now?

Well,

I guess so.

But, uh, what about the,
uh, couch?

Huh.

I'll tell you what.

You make me an offer,
you can take it as is.

♪ Yes, we're movin' on up

♪ To the East Side

♪ To a deluxe apartment

♪ In the sky

♪ Oh, yeah. Yeah!

♪ We're movin' on up

♪ To the East Side ♪