The Jeffersons (1975–1985): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Longest Day - full transcript

♪ Well, we're movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

♪ Movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie

♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

♪ Beans don't burn
on the grill

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin'

♪ Just to get up that hill

♪ Now we're up
in the big leagues



♪ Gettin' our turn at bat

♪ As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

♪ There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

♪ We're movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

♪ Movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie ♪

Hey, Weez,
you still going
to the fashion show?

Yeah, we'll be leaving
as soon as Helen gets here.

Oh, good.

Any time Helen gets here
is a good time to leave.

George.



I was only kidding, Weez.
I just want to make sure

all you women are
out of the house before
the football game starts.

Oh, that must be Helen now.

Shut up, George.

I didn't say anything.

I know.
Just keep that
until you need it.

Surprise!

Jenny! Lionel!
Come in! Oh.

Hey, where's the baby?
Baby?

I thought you had her.
Oh, no,
I thought you had her.

Oh, well, guess she's gone.

Better start workin'
on a new one.

Lionel.

I'm just kiddin', Pop.
Here she is.

Hey, what brings you
two over here today?
Oh.

Oh, Jessica had
a doctor's appointment.

So while we were
in the neighborhood,
we decided to stop by.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, but don't get too close.

The doctor says
she's got a slight cold.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, he said
she's gonna be fine,

but her ears are gonna fall off.

Terrific.

Then she's gonna grow feathers
and quack like a duck.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What?

She has a little cold,
so be careful.

Oh.

Hey, I thought I heard you two.

Oh, hi, Florence.
Hi, Florence.

How's Jessica?

Don't get too close.
She's got a cold.

Oh, ain't she cute?

Uh-huh.

She looks just like me,
don't she?

I can't tell,
her mouth is closed.

Look who's here.

Hi, Mom, Dad!

It's our little grandchild!

Hi, Jessica.

My, she's getting so big.

I swear, she looks
just like my baby pictures.

Oh, no, no, no.

Jessica looks just
like my baby pictures.

Oh, I think she looks
just like my baby pictures.

Well, I think
she looks just like...

Helen's baby pictures.

Come on,
she's got a part
of all of us in her.

Yeah, Willis.

Too bad your part's on
the soles of her feet.

Uh, you going somewhere, Mom?

Well,
Louise and Florence and I
are going to a fashion show.

Oh, how nice.

And I was coming
to see if I could watch

the football game with you,
George.

Our color doesn't work.

Oh, you should've
thought about that
before you married her.

George, remember
that shut up I gave you?

Use it.

Hey, I forgot
all about that football game.

We better get home, Jen.

Hey, why don't you stay
here and see it, Lionel?

I got a whole case of beer.

Yeah, I'll be here.

There goes the beer.

Well, I'd like to stay,
but I don't think it'd be
too much fun for Jenny.

Sure it would.

She could bring us beers,
make us sandwiches.

Oh, could I?

Sure you can.
As long as you
do it nice and quiet.

Listen, as long as
Lionel's gonna stay here,

why don't you go
to the fashion show
with us, Jenny?

Oh, but what about Jessica?

Well, if you want
to go to the show,
I can watch the baby.

But I thought you wanted
to see the football game.

So, what are you saying?

You don't think
I can watch Jessica

and the football game
at the same time?

Lionel, taking care
of a baby is a lot of work.

Hey, look, babe,
I know about work.

I put in over 40 hours
a week, remember?

Well, I work a lot
more hours than that.

You got a job?

Oh.

George, Jenny means
taking care of Jessica.

Oh, I thought
she meant real work.

Real work?
What do you call real work?

Anything you get paid for.

George,
most women work
and don't get paid.

And some women get paid,
but don't work.

If you're talking about me,

you better count your blessings.

If I was a man,
do you know what
I'd be making?

Yeah. License plates.

I read an article
in the paper that said

housewives should be paid

$12,000 a year
for the work they do.

Are you kidding?
Twelve grand a year

for lyin' around
the house all day

watching As the World Turns?

George, is that
what you think
women do all day,

watch soap operas?

Of course not.

You watch game shows, too.

George, you have
absolutely no idea

of what it takes
to run a household.

Yes, I do, it takes money.

Which we men go out and make
so you women can stay home.

I get it.
A woman's place
is in the home, right?

Of course it is.
Everybody knows that.

Not everybody, George.

For your information,
there are 16 women in
the House of Representatives.

Well, somebody's got to
hang around and clean up
after all those men.

Tom!

Oh, uh,
that's not funny, George.

You know,
I think that
we should let the men

watch Jessica for the afternoon.

Yes, George.
It just might
open your eyes.

Good. Then his eyes
will match his mouth.

Here's the number
where we'll be.

Forget it, Weezy.

You women just go ahead
to the fashion show.

Don't worry about a thing.

Are you sure
you men can handle Jessica

all by yourselves?

Of course we can.
Taking care of a baby is easy.

It don't take no brains.

Oh, well, in that case, George,

you're the perfect man
for the job.

Do you believe those women,

thinking we're incapable
of looking after

our own granddaughter?

Yeah, she looks
pretty harmless to me.

She is harmless.

How can anybody this tiny
be any trouble?

Ain't that right?

Well, men,
what should we do
until the game comes on?

Oh, how about the laundry?

What do you mean, Pop?

Jessica's diapers
are disposable.

Yeah, I know.

But my shirts ain't.

Hutchins hands off to Johnson.

He slips a tackle.

Big hole and Johnson at the 40.

The 45, the 50, the 45...

Go!
Run!

The 30, 25...

Cut inside, Johnson!
Watch out!

Stiff-arm that honkey!
Yeah, stiff-arm that honk...

Hey, what's all the yellin'?
What did I miss?

Just the biggest
play of the game.

Oh, another big play?
Boy, this is some game.

And this is what women
call hard work?

Open me up another beer, Lionel.

Why, you don't want
to ruin your fingernails?

You know,
I still can't understand
what all the fuss was about.

Jessica's been asleep
since the women left.

Yeah, if this is what
watching a baby is like,

you ought to have another one.

Yeah, then it would be
twice as easy.

Oh, speak of the devil.

Oh, maybe she's hungry.

Already?
But her next feed
is not till 4:00.

Maybe we ought to
feed her anyway.

Yeah, my mother never
put us on a schedule.

Or on a diet.

Okay.
You want to go ahead

and get her formula
out of Jenny's bag?

Yeah, right.
Uh, do I have to mix it?

No, it's already made.
Just heat it up.

That's it?

Man, women sure
got it easy these days.

Remember all the hassles
we used to have to go through?

Yeah, exact measurements,

sterilizing bottles,

getting the temperature
just right every time.

Shoot,
before you got
the bottle fixed,

the kid was old enough
to order booze.

Yeah, it's nothing, Pop.
She's just wet again.

Where'd you
put the diapers?
Diapers?

Yeah, you know
the white things
that give her hips.

Oh. Well, we used the last one
when she wet on me, remember?

Oh, man, now I guess
I'll have to run out
and buy some more.

Or just do like the women do.

Take a credit card
and while you're out,

charge yourself a new wardrobe.

What do you want, Bentley?

Well, Mr. J,
I was on my way out
to buy a deli sandwich

when I thought
I heard the baby crying.
Is everything all right?

Of course everything
is all right.

Hey, since you're
going to the store,

why don't you pick up
a box of diapers for me?

My pleasure.
And shall I get
some for the baby, too?

Shall I get some
for the baby, too?

Normally, I would prepare
myself a home-cooked meal.

But today I don't want
anything to distract me
from that television set.

I know what you mean.
Close game, huh?

Whoa. Game?

Yeah, the playoffs.
What are you watching?

Jacques Cousteau.

Did you know
that certain fish
can actually live

within the stinging tentacles
of a sea anemone?

Yeah, it was in all the papers.

It was? Oh, do you
remember what day?
Oh...

Mr. Bentley,
could you please hurry?

And be as quiet as you can,
'cause I just got Jessica
back to sleep.

Right-o. Shh.

Yeah. Shh.

Bentley,
will you hurry up?
Right. Right.

How was that?
Fine. Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Bentley!

You know, Pop, I got a feeling
this is gonna be a lot tougher
than we thought.

I'll take care of her, Pop.

You go ahead
and watch the game.
Okay.

Well, I've got the formula
heating up.

It should be ready
in a few minutes.
Good.

We sent Bentley
to get some diapers.

But what's Jessica
supposed to wear
until he gets back?

Well, can't you
just turn that diaper

inside out and use the same one?

Pop!

Okay, okay, okay.
I've got it.

We'll just use a substitute.
Like what?

Like this.
What?

There you go.
One homemade diaper.

Are you kidding?

Look, Lionel,
if you wanna be a father,

you gotta learn
how to improvise.

Okay, you got any safety pins?

Safety pins...

That was quite
a call by the officials.

Let's look at the replay.

Willis, turn the TV set down.

I can't hear, George.
The baby's crying.

What?
He said turn the TV down.

What?
I said, turn it down!

Did you find...
Did you find
any safety pins?

No, but I got something
better here.

Electrical tape?

Don't worry about it.
It's waterproof.

But, Pop...

Look, Lionel, you just
take off that old diaper
and leave the rest to me.

Well, I suppose it's safe.

Hey, take care of this
diaper for me, Willis.

Hey, Willis!
What, what?

Catch!

Oh, George,
look what you made me do.

Look,
just get rid
of that diaper.

We'll clean that up later.

Okay, first you fold
the diaper over like this.

Then you lift
the baby's leg
and you...

Hey, Pop,
what's that?
That's her butt!

Well, you know even
less about this stuff
than I thought you did.

No, I mean them red splotches
and little bumps.

Oh, that's probably diaper rash.

You think so?
Sure.

But the doctor said
she had a cold.

I know, Lionel.

But it doesn't
usually show up
on this end.

Pop, you know,
you never know, Pop.

Know what?
Well, suppose she's sick.

Come on, Lionel,
will you quit worrying.

Everything is under control.

You think so?
Sure. See,
she's asleep again.

Now it's all downhill from here.

Flood! Flood!

Damn it, Willis!
What are you yelling about?

George, the toilet's
overflowing.
What?

The diaper got stuck.

Didn't you tear
the lining out first?

Lining?

Oh, brother.

Lionel, see if you can
find a plunger.

And a mop.
Forget the mop.

Florence hid that
five years ago.

But what about the water?

Look, just one thing
at a time, okay?

When he gets back
with the... Lionel!

Huh? Oh, yeah.

While he's looking
for the plunger,

why don't you try
to see if you can
get the diaper out?

With my hands?

Can you think
of something better?

Yes. Your hands.

Forget it, Willis.
Just see if you can
rock Jessica back to sleep.

You think you can do that?

George, you're not actually
going to put your hands
in a toilet, are you?

No. I'm gonna put on
a diving suit and go in
through the bathtub.

Oh, but, George...

Would you
just be quiet, Willis?
I'll take care of this.

It's all wet in here.

That's what I wanted
to tell you.

Watch out for the water
on the floor.

Thanks a lot, Willis.

Well, here goes.

Do you feel the diaper?
No.

Well, do you feel it now?

Yeah, wait a minute,
wait a minute. I think I...

Well, here, let me see.

No! Hey!

Now, now, now,
now, now, now, now,
now, wait a minute, George.

I know what you're going to say.

What?

"You should've seen
the one that got away."

Willis, I ought to...
I couldn't find
the plunger, Pop.

Did you get
the diaper out?
No.

But the Tidy Bowl Man
here almost flushed me
down in with it.

Wait a minute,
I've got a mop
and a plunger upstairs.

Why didn't you say so?
Go get it!

Oh, sure thing.

Shoot!

Now, we gotta try to
quiet Jessica down again.

Right. How?

How should I know?
She's your daughter.

So what do you think,
she came with directions?

Well, why don't you try
shakin' the carriage again.
Maybe that'll work.

Okay.
What are you going to do?

I'll finish
watchin' the game.
What?

Well,
there ain't no sense
in both of us sufferin'.

Hey, I think it's working.

She's startin'
to go back to sleep.

Great.
Come on and sit down.
Okay.

Made it, finally.
Thank God.

It's Bentley!

It's me, Harry Bentley!

Why didn't you ring the bell?

Sorry, but I'm
a bit overburdened.

Can you take these, please?

Thank you.
How is she?

Oh, fortunately,
there were only
a few shoppers

ahead of me
in line at the store.

It's amazing
how many people are home
watching Jacques Cousteau.

What is all
of this stuff?
Diapers.

For what, the State of Michigan?

All I needed was one box.

Well, Mr. J,
you forgot to tell me
what size Jessica wears,

and if she's a light-wetter
or a heavy-wetter.

So I couldn't decide between

the 6 to 12-pound
all-night light-wetter

or the 12 to 18-pound
daytime heavy-wetter.

Of course,
I was hoping...
Hold it, Bentley!

Just tell me what you
wound up getting.
A box of each.

Great.
And training pants.

For a two-month-old baby?

Well, you're never
too young to learn.
Bentley.

Anyway, I couldn't decide
between the 6 to 12-pound
all-night heavy-wetter...

Stop it!
Hey, shh, shh,
she's asleep.

Shh.

Now, finally got
everything under control.

Yeah. You think we can
get this place cleaned up
before the women get back?

Sure.
There's still plenty of
time after the game is over.

I mean, they probably
won't even notice
anything happened.

See, men have been
outsmarting women
since time began.

They'll never catch on
because we're smarter
than they are.

You see, the thing
with women is,

you have to always keep
one step ahead of 'em
at all times.

That way, you can
get away with anything.

For instance, I remember
when I was in the Navy,
right?

Mr. J...
Wait a minute,
Bentley.

There I was,
right in basic training.

So me and these
four other dudes,

we're thinking about
going to town, you know.

Mr. J, do you smell
something burning?

Like what?
Yeah, I smell it,
too, Pop.

Is something
burning in the kitchen?

It can't be.
Florence ain't here.

Pop, look!
Fire!

Mr. Bentley, grab Jessica
and get her out of here, okay?

Right! I'll take her
over to my place.

Be careful, Pop.
Don't worry.
I got everything...

Pop, are you okay?

Pop.

Pop!
Comin' through!

Open the balcony door,
Lionel.
Okay.

Wait till I get
my hands on Willis.

He left the formula
on the stove.

Pop, Pop,
I think maybe
you ought to call Mom.

For what?
And listen to

"I told you so" s
for the rest of my life?

I'd rather have Willis
flush me into the East River.

But, Pop...

Look, Lionel, we still
got an hour to clean up.

Now you go spray
air freshener in
the kitchen

and throw away
all those broken dishes.

I'll go over to Bentley's
and get the baby.

Then we'll come back over here

and clean up in here
and the bathroom.

Come on, Pop, admit it,
we blew it.

Are you kidding?

Aside from the fire,
flood, and food stains,

we're doin' great.

Well, I just loved the dress...

98, 99, 100.

Ready or not, here I come!

George.

Weezy, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just about
to ask you the same thing.

Yeah, well,
I was playin' hide-and-go-seek

with some of the kids
in the building.

You know, it got
so boring in the house

with all the quiet
and everything.

Oh, everything went okay?
Okay?

Okay is not the word
for the way everything went.

Everything went perfect.
Oh.

Where are you going?

Into the apartment.

You can't.
Why not?

Because some of the kids
might be hiding in there.

Weezy, did I ever tell you
how much I hated that coat?

This coat?

Well, you bought it
for my birthday.

What did you let me do that for?

Now, you go out right now
and buy a new one

But, George...
In fact, get two.
We'll get one for Jenny.

You want a coat, Helen?

Miss Jefferson,
I think you better
get him inside quick.

I think the cold is starting
to numb his brain.

That's it. You're fired.

Don't I even get a coat?

Uh, Mr. Jefferson, I really
would like to see Jessica.

But you can't.
She's asleep in my bedroom.

Jessica!
Oh, hello, everybody.

But, George, I thought
you said she was asleep
in our room.

She was, but Bentley wanted
to take her for a walk,
so I let him.

She's wearing a paper towel!

A paper towel?

Bentley, that's the last time

you'll take my granddaughter
for a walk.

George, are you sure
everything is all right?

Of course it is.

Weez, why don't you
go shopping for a while?

It's on me.

Tom!

What are you doing?

Oh, well, who me?
Well, I, uh...

He's on a scavenger hunt!

A scavenger hunt?

Yeah.
Okay, Willis, now we got
the mop and the plunger.

Now all we need is one army boot

and a hubcap and we'll win.

Bye, girls.

Hey, Pop, I finished...

Oh, excuse me, wrong house.
Goodbye.

Lionel.

Hmm?

Now, what's going on?

Wait a minute.

What's that smell?

I don't know.

It smells like lemon
and something burnin'.

Oh, you mean this smell.

It's my new cologne.

It's called Burning Lemon.
You like it?

It's coming from the apartment.

Move it, George, Lionel.

Oh, my God, look at this place!

Damn vandals.

And this is supposed to be
a security building, too!

Tom, what on earth happened?

Oh, my kitchen!

You don't want to see it.

It's enough to make you cry.

I suppose you have
an explanation for all this?

Explanation? Weezy,
things didn't go that bad.

All we did was just...

Come on, Pop,
what we did was find out

how hard it is
to take care of a baby.

Oh, you mean
you learned something?

Yeah.
But I still don't think

women should get paid
$12,000 a year

just for keeping house.

You don't?

Nope.
You all deserve a raise.

Oh, well.

Yeah, I guess
I better go change Jessica.

Well, all in all,
it's been a pretty good day.

A pretty good day?

George, your granddaughter

spent the day in a paper towel.

The living room
looks like a subway.

And the kitchen...

Don't talk about my kitchen!

George, what else
could have happened?

Oh, my goodness! Oh!

George,
what's all that
water doing there?

We were gonna use that
to put out the fire.

George, what in the world...

Weezy, listen...

There's no point in
cleaning up this place now!

I think I'm gonna
turn in, Weezy.
I'm beat.

Yeah, it's hard work
makin' as much mess
as you did.

Lord, the stove is a mess.

It'll be two days
before I can cook again.

Oh, see, Weezy,
every cloud has
a silver lining.

You know, I wish
I could have been here

to see you running around
like a crazy man.

Why? You can see that
every day.

Look, Weez,
all we did was have
a series of bad breaks.

Yeah, you broke the dishes,
then you broke the toilet...

All right, all right.
But, look, I'm gonna
prove to you

that I can take care
of my own granddaughter.

In fact, I'd like
another shot at it.

You're kidding.

No, and I'm gonna do it, too,

as soon as Jessica turns 21.

♪ Movin', movin' on up ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.