The Jeffersons (1975–1985): Season 6, Episode 12 - One Flew Into the Cuckoo's Nest - full transcript

♪ Well, we're movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

♪ Movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie

♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

♪ Beans don't burn
on the grill

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin'

♪ Just to get up that hill

♪ Now we're up
in the big leagues



♪ Gettin' our turn at bat

♪ As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

♪ There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

♪ We're movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

♪ Movin' on up
♪ Movin' on up

♪ To the East Side
♪ Movin' on up

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie ♪

Jenny's old bedroom
will make a great nursery.

Then Lionel and Jenny can
leave the baby with us
as often as they like.

Oh, yes.
I can hardly wait.

We'll feed it,
we'll play with it.
Uh, you'll change it.

Oh, that must be our helpers.



Hi, everybody.
Come on in.

Hi, Helen.
Oh, we're here, Tom.

Well, it's about time.

Hey, George, that's some shirt.

Uh,
what color was it before
you fell on the peacock?

Why? You tryin' to find
a color you ain't married yet?

George, be nice.

Weezy, how can I be nice
when I'm missing

the biggest
poker game of my life?

Poker!
That's all you've been
talking about all day!

Well, I told you
Charlie Warner's
gonna be there

and he owns
a whole chain of motels.

You know what that means?

He knows a lot
of people named Smith?

No.
It means he's got
a lot of dirty laundry.

That means a lot of business.

Well, George,
if you'd really
rather play poker...

Oh, no.
He promised to paint.

And he's gonna keep
his promise or else.

Or else what?

Or else you're going
to be staying at one of
Charlie Warner's motels.

Well, hey, let's get started.

Louise, would you
and Florence like to
help me paint the walls?

Sure.
Oh, thank you.

Florence, will you bring
that drop cloth with you?

Okay.

Well,
since I'm the tallest,
I'll paint the ceiling.

I guess that means you
do the baseboards, huh?

George,
can you grab
those newspapers?

What color we painting the room?

Well, Helen wanted
her favorite color
and I wanted mine,

so we decided to mix them.

Oh, you paintin' it gray?

No, Helen liked
yellow and I like blue,

so we're painting it green.

Green, that's great.

Three of my favorite things
come in green.
What's that?

Fives, tens and twenties.

Hey, Ralph,
what are you doin' here?

I have a message for you
from Leroy, sir.

He needs you to do
his deliveries tonight

because he has to go to Buffalo.

Buffalo, why?

Because he ate a cantaloupe
for breakfast, sir.

What?

Well, sir, Leroy said

the cantaloupe reminded him
of an old friend,

a Mr. Melonhead Miller.

Leroy called Melonhead
and discovered

that he was getting
married tomorrow
to a female jockey.

A female jockey?
Yes.

It should be a small wedding.

Just give me
the delivery list, Ralph.

Let me see.

"Donatelli's Restaurant,

"Montclair Hotel,
Atterbury State Hospital..."

Atterbury State Hospital.
Ain't that the funny farm?

Yes, but I believe they'd rather

you call it by another name.

Another name?
Oh, yeah, I meant
the nuthouse.

Thanks, Ralph.
Yes, sir.

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot.

I saw this on sale
and knew I had to get it

for the baby's bath.

Isn't it cute, sir?

Oh, yeah.
How much is it
gonna cost me?

Nothing, sir.

Just a little gift from me
to your first grandchild.

Oh, thanks, Ralph.
Yeah.

But I did tell you
about those deliveries, sir.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Here's the keys.
Get my van ready.

Come on, George.
We have to get started.

Sorry, Weezy,
Ralph was just here.

I gotta make Leroy's
deliveries tonight.

I didn't hear Ralph.

You're not
trying to sneak off
to play poker, are you?

Weezy, have I ever lied to you?

I mean, recently.

Honest, Weezy,

I'm gonna
make the delivery
and I'll be right back.

You'd better be
telling me the truth.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Break your word
and you just might.

See you.

George, aren't you
forgetting something?

Oh, yeah.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

And this is
the recreation room,
Mr. Davis.

You'll be spending
a lot of time here.

Yeah, what about Rover?

Rover?

Yeah, Rover. My dog.

There, boy. Yeah.

You'll be all right.

Yeah, right, Rover.

Come on, Rover, don't mind him.

Sit!

Speak!

What do you want me to say?

Oh, hi, buddy.

I'm sorry.

What are you apologizing for?

Oh, did I apologize?
I'm sorry.

What time is it?

You want my watch?

I don't want your watch.
I'm sorry.

What, are you nuts?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Oh, man, what a basket case!

We gotta get out of here, Rover.

Put it right in here.

There's some dirty laundry
that you can take with you.

Hey,
you ain't leaving me
here all alone, are you?

Don't worry.
These people
wouldn't hurt a fly.

It ain't the flies
I'm worried about.

He's a weird dude.

Hey, neighbor, wanna buy a pen?

No, no, I gotta leave.

Oh, come on, buy a pen.

I don't wanna buy a...

Buy a pen!

Okay. Uh, I'll buy one.
I'll buy the black one.

Nope.
Can't have the black one.

Okay, I'll take the red one.

Nope.
Can't have the red one.

Well, give me the blue one.

Nope.
Can't have the blue one.

Well, forget it then!
I don't want to buy a pen.

Cheapskate.

Hey, Mack! Come on,
you're holding up the game.

What are you playing?

Ping-Pong.

But you ain't playing
with nobody.

All right, I'm playing Ping.

I can't get anybody
to play with me.

I'm the champ.

Oh.
Henry Palmer's the name.

Oh. Hey, you're not
contagious, are you?

So, you're the new inmate?

No, I'm just visiting.

Sure, from what planet?

So, how about a game?

No, no, I gotta get out of here.

Oh, come on.

You look like you'd be
pretty good for your size.

What do you mean, "for my size"?

I could beat you
anytime I want,
but I ain't got time.

Want my watch?

No, I'm gettin' out of here.

Give me the paddle.

You know, you're playing
the King Kong of Ping-Pong.

King Kong, huh?

Then you won't mind
if I make a monkey
out of you.

Care to make a little wager?

Yeah. Name the stakes.

Shall we say five?

You're on.
Okay, I'll serve, sucker.

Good luck.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna beat him so bad,
I'm gonna drive him nuts.

Oh, excuse me.

Twenty-one. I win!

Hey! All right!

I hate losing!

Who doesn't?

I don't.

Okay, come on, Palmer, pay up.

What the hell was that?
That's the shift change.

It means the attendants
are changing shifts.

Oh. Come on,
you owe me $5.

What are these?
Tokens.

Tokens?
I ain't no subway!

Give me my money.

Well, those are
better than money.

You can turn them in
for candy or cookies...

Or pens.

Come on, Palmer,
give me my money.
I gotta get out of here.

And just where are you going?

To take the laundry.
What laundry?

That...

Hey, what happened
to the laundry?
And my coat?

Now, just take it easy.

No, but, I mean,
my keys were in my coat.
How am I gonna get home?

This is your home,
Mr. Davis.

Mr. Davis?
Oh, wait a minute.

No, you got the wrong guy.

My name is George Jefferson,

President of Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh, right,
and I'm George Washington,

President of the United States.

Oh, no, no, you see...

Now, look, Mr. Davis,
you're here to get better.

Now, where's your dog?

I don't have a dog.

See?
You're getting better already.

Hey, look,
will you guys
tell him who I am?

He's King Kong.

And a cheapskate.

Now, look, look, look, look.
Look, you gotta believe me.

Look, I've got some
identification here.

Uh...

Don't tell me.
You're Donald Duck.

Look, I'm telling you,
I'm George Jefferson.

You gotta believe me,
you got the wrong guy.

Ask the attendant
who brought me in here.

Oh, I will, as soon
as he comes in tomorrow.

Tomorrow! You ain't
keepin' me here all night.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Look,

I can explain this whole thing.

See, I got the duck from Ralph.

Ralph came by to tell me
that Leroy couldn't come

because his friend,
the cantaloupe,

was marrying
this Buffalo jockey.

You don't believe me, do you?

Damn!
Now, just take it easy.

Nobody's gonna hurt you,
Mr. Davis.

I'm not Mr. Davis.
I'm not crazy!

I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!

I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!

I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!

Okay, Mr. Davis.

Would you come down,
if I give you back
your duck?

Look, would you just
let me make a phone call?

You can talk to my wife.
She'll tell you who I am.

A phone call costs 10 tokens!

That's right, Mr. Davis.
How many tokens do you have?

Uh-huh. I got five.

Well, the only way
you're gonna earn enough
to make a phone call

is by behaving
like a mature,
responsible adult.

Now, wait a minute, turkey...

Okay, have it your way.

I'll behave like a mature adult.

Good, then here's your duck.

Thanks.

Oh, my back hurts.

And I've got
this pain in my neck.

Speaking of pains in the neck.

Where's Mr. Jefferson?

He has been gone a long time.
I wonder what's keeping him?

Probably three of a kind.

Oh, Florence,
George wouldn't
be playing poker.

Would he?

Why, that little sneak!

Well, I'm almost
done with the ceiling

and I didn't get
a drop of paint on me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

George better
get back here soon.

Oh, don't worry
about it, Louise.

Let him play cards
with those big shots.

Nothing doing, Helen.
When Mr. Big Shot gets here,

I'm gonna knock
him down to size.

Well, that shouldn't
take much knockin'.

No!

No!

I gotta get some tokens.

Hey, wanna buy a duck?

Hey, Palmer,
I'll give you a chance
to win your tokens back.

Double or nothing
on the Ping-Pong table.

No, I don't feel
like playing Ping-Pong.

Let's play cards.
Cards?

Hey, yeah,
we can play for tokens.

Let's get everybody to play.
Hey, come on, Herbie.

You too, Ballpoint.

All right, what's your game?

We'll play gin.

Gin, hell,
let's play a man's game.

Football?

No, poker.

Oh, my Daddy never
taught me how to
play poker.

Good. I mean,
uh, I'll teach you.

Okay. Everybody put
one token up for your ante.

Not me.
I hate my aunt.

Just put a token up.

Okay, we'll play straight poker.

What are you doing?

I don't like that card.

I don't like that card, either.

Look, just wait,
everybody'll get
a chance to draw.

Draw? Wanna buy a pen?

Just hold your hand.

Forget it, he's out.

Okay.
How many cards
you want, Herb?

I fold.
You fold?

What are you talking about?
You got a full house.

Yeah,
but I thought someone
else would rather win.

I'm sorry.

Look, Herbie,
if you want to
be a success,

you gotta stop apologizing.

You gotta be aggressive.
Take me.

I went out there
and got what I wanted.
And look where I am.

Yeah, in the nuthouse.

I'll take two.

Hmm.
I'll stay with these.

I don't know.
I guess I'll have to check.

Okay, Herbie,
watch me play
this hand

and you'll learn something
about being aggressive, okay?

I bet three tokens.

I'll raise you five.

Okay, I'm all in.

I got a straight.

Flush. Ace-King.

I caught the cowboy
on the last card.

I thought you said your daddy

didn't teach you
how to play poker.

He didn't.
My mommy did.

Damn.
Now, I lost all my tokens.
I'll never get out of here.

They think I'm crazy.
I don't.

I mean, uh, I mean, uh...

What do you mean, Herb?

Well, I mean, uh...

I saw you bring in
the laundry bag.

Yeah.

You mean he doesn't
really belong in here?

That's right.

Fooled me.

Not me.

If you knew that,
how come you
didn't tell them?

Well, uh,
they think you're crazy

and they may get mad at me
if I tell them the truth.
Sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.
Sorry.

Okay, look, Herb.
Since you don't wanna
tell the truth,

would you do somethin' for me?

You want my watch?
No!

Look,
I'm gonna make
a run for the door.

I want you to scream
and get their attention.
But, uh...

Just do it!
Yes.

Okay. Now,
I'm gonna go
to the door,

and when I count to three,
scream your lungs out.
You got it?

Okay.

One, two, three.

Mr. Davis,
you promised to behave.

I'm afraid that's gonna
cost you one token.

Put it on my bill!

Hey, Herbie,
what happened?
Why didn't you scream?

Somebody might have heard me.

Come on, let's play cards.

Forget it!
I've gotta get money
to make a phone call.

Tell you what.

I'll loan you
the tokens to
make the call,

if you play cards with me.

You will?
Oh, thanks, Palmer!

That's all right.
We don't get many
pigeons in here.

Oh, it's time
for a little break.

But, Florence,
we just took a break.

That was a big break.

Now it's time
for a little break.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, just a minute.

Louise, it's George.

George!
The little weasel!

He's been gone
almost three hours!

Now that's what I call a break.

Yes, George.

Hey, Weezy, I'm in trouble.

What's the matter, George?

You run out of chips?

I ain't playing cards.

I'm stuck up here
in Atterbury State Hospital.

You know, the funny farm.

Funny farm?

Sure, and I'm Old McDonald.

You've gotta believe me,
Weezy. I'm in the nuthouse.

Listen.
Hey, you guys,
say something crazy!

Let's play cards!

Not playing cards, huh?

Weezy, look,
I'm telling you the truth.

You gotta
come down and get me.
They think I'm somebody else.

When you get home,

you're gonna wish
you were somebody else.

Weezy, listen...
Wait, Weez...

Oh, man.

She didn't believe me!

Maybe a note would
be more sincere.

Wanna buy a pen?

No, I don't wanna buy a pen!

All right!
All right!
All right!

No! No!

Wait!

Mr. Davis,
you're gonna
have to be restrained.

Wait, no, no!

Hey, Herbie, say something.

Tell them who I am, Herb.

He's, uh... He's...
Never saw him before.

Herbie! Herbie, please,
don't be afraid,
for once in your life.

Say something!

Bye, Mr. Davis.

George in
a mental institution.
Can you believe that?

Yep.

I'll get it.

Hello, Mr. Willis, sir.

Hi, Ralph.
What can I do for you?

Well, actually, sir,
I'm just here to see
Mr. Jefferson.

Well, Ralph, he isn't here.

He's at a poker game.

Really? I guess he finished
those deliveries then, huh?

Deliveries?

Yes, ma'am.
That's why I'm here.

Leroy just called from Buffalo

to thank Mr. Jefferson
for making his deliveries.

Uh, Ralph,

was one of those deliveries
to the Atterbury State
Hospital?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, George is out there!

We've got to go get him!

We better hurry.
I know exactly
where it is!

Oh, my. Please help him.
Let's go.

Come on, Davis.

Now, if you stay calmed down,

we'll take that off you.

Okay. Okay.

Look, Herbie.

This is your last chance.
You gotta do something.

He's right.
I have to do something.

You want my watch?
No!

Right in here.

George!
Weezy!

George!

Oh... Oh...

George!

Oh, I wish I had my camera.

Well, what did they do to you?

Why are you in that thing?

Looks like he's waiting
to turn into a butterfly.

Who are you?

I'm Louise Jefferson.

And this is my husband,
George Jefferson.

See?

Look, he's no crazier than I am.

We're about to have
a grandchild together.

You see, George isn't
supposed to be here.

Leroy is.

Who is Leroy?

His delivery man.

Oh, you mean the guy
who's marrying the cantaloupe?

No, the cantaloupe is
marrying a jockey,
remember?

Well, I don't know
who's marrying who,

but this man is my husband.

You've got to believe me.

Now, look, we can't clear up
all this until in the morning.

So until then,
Mr. Davis is staying here.

Help!

Help!

Quiet!

Did I say that?

Yeah, you did, Herb.

I did?

Well, then,
uh, this man
is George Jefferson

and, uh, I saw him
bring the laundry in.

Atta boy, Herb.
You did it!

I did.

Then who is Lester Davis?

He is.

I'm on the street
for only three hours,
three hours.

I was flashed, mugged
and nearly hit by a bus.

Man, it's crazy out there!

Right, Rover?

I'm awfully sorry
about the mix-up,
Mr. Jefferson.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry, too.

About what?

Everything.

Herbie!
Sorry.

Well, Jefferson,
it was kind of nice
meeting you.

Same here, Palmer.

Here, have a pen!

Thanks.
Forget it.

Hey, put it there, Herb.
Thank you.

Well, you're welcome, George.

Hey, look here,
when you get out, Herbie,
I want you to come and see me.

You got a job
at the Jefferson Cleaners.

$500 a month.

Wow!

$750.
Take it or leave it.

Right on, Herb!

♪ Movin', movin' on up ♪