The Jeffersons (1975–1985): Season 5, Episode 15 - A Bedtime Story - full transcript

♪ WELL, WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO A DELUXE APARTMENT ♪

♪ IN THE SKY ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE
OF THE PIE ♪



♪ FISH DON'T FRY
IN THE KITCHEN ♪

♪ BEANS DON'T BURN
ON THE GRILL ♪

♪ TOOK A WHOLE LOT OF TRYIN' ♪

THAT HILL ♪
GET UP
♪ JUST TO

♪ NOW WE'RE UP
IN THE BIG LEAGUES ♪

♪ GETTIN' OUR TURN AT BAT ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S YOU AND ME, BABY ♪

♪ THERE AIN'T
NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO A DELUXE APARTMENT ♪



♪ IN THE SKY ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE
OF THE PIE ♪♪

HI.

HOW CAN BIG FEET
MOVE WITH
SUCH LITTLE NOISE?

HOW CAN SOMEBODY
WITH A TINY HEAD
HAVE A BIG MOUTH?

WHAT YOU DOIN'
UP SO LATE?

CAN'T SLEEP.

YOU LOSE
YOUR TEDDY BEAR?

YOU GONNA LOSE
YOUR JOB IF YOU DON'T
KNOCK IT OFF.

WHY YOU GOIN'
TO THE KITCHEN
THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

- GOTTA TURN OUT THE LIGHT.
- THE LIGHT AIN'T ON.

IT WILL BE WHEN I OPEN
THE REFRIGERATOR.

GEORGE!

GEORGE, AREN'T YOU
COMING TO BED?

HI, WEEZY.
IN A MINUTE.
IT'S EARLY.

IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.

AFTER MIDNIGHT?
HUH.

TIME FLIES
WHEN YOU'RE READING
A GOOD BOOK.

A SCHOOLGIRL'S GUIDE
TO DRESSMAKING?

THIS BOOK IS FROM
MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL
SEWING CLASS.

I KNOW THAT.

WHY ARE YOU READING
A BOOK ABOUT
HEMSTITCHING?

I'M IN THE
CLEANING BUSINESS.

I CAN NEVER
LEARN TOO MUCH
ABOUT CLOTHES.

YOU'VE BEEN BURNING
A LOT OF MIDNIGHT OIL.

YOU'VE BEEN STAYING UP
EVERY NIGHT

TILL I'M ASLEEP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ONE MIGHT THINK
YOU DON'T WANT
TO COME TO BED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HUH?

DO YOU THINK
I'M HIDING SOMETHING?

EVERYTHING IS FINE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHAT IS THERE
TO WORRY ABOUT?

NOTHIN'.

I'M GOING TO BED.

STAY UP
TILL NEW YEAR'S
IF YOU WANT.

WEEZY,
I DIDN'T MEAN NOTHING.

I'LL BE THERE SOON.

YOU'RE NOT COMING NOW?

I WANT TO FINISH
THAT CHAPTER.

OF COURSE.

THERE'S NOTHING
I CAN DO?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

FORGET IT, GEORGE.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT,
AND DON'T WAIT UP.

THIS IS A LONG CHAPTER.

YOU WON'T SEE ME
TILL MORNING.

IF YOU
SNEAK AROUND AGAIN,

I'LL HANG A BELL
AROUND YOUR NECK.

IT'LL MATCH
THE BALL AND CHAIN
AROUND MY LEG.

MRS. JEFFERSON!
YEAH?

THAT'S A CACTUS,
NOT A SEAWEED.

MY MIND'S
ON OTHER THINGS.

YOU WORRIED ABOUT
MR. JEFFERSON?

I'M AFRAID
HE HAS INSOMNIA.

IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE
IF HE DON'T SLEEP.

I THINK WE HAVE
A PAIR OF EAR PLUGS

IN OUR BATHROOM CABINET.

EAR PLUGS?

GEORGE NEEDS
ABSOLUTE QUIET.

DON'T PLUG HIS EARS.

PLUG HIS MOUTH.

PUT THESE
IN THE CUPBOARD.

YOU MUST HAVE
A BIG HEADACHE.

YEAH.
YOU.

VITAMIN E?

E BUILDS A MAN UP.

FOR THAT PUNY BODY,
YOU NEED THE WHOLE ALPHABET.

PUT THOSE AWAY.

THESE OYSTERS
ARRIVED FOR YOU.

SET THEM RIGHT THERE.

I RUSHED UPSTAIRS.

I DIDN'T WANT THEM
TO SPOIL.

THEY'RE PACKED
IN ICE.

IF I DIDN'T HURRY,
THE ICE WOULD HAVE MELTED.

I HAD TO TAKE THE BACKSTAIRS

TO KEEP OUT OF SIGHT.

WHY?

SOME OYSTERS
HAVE PEARLS.

I HAD TO TAKE PRECAUTION
AGAINST BEING HIJACKED.

YOU THINK
THESE OYSTERS GOT PEARLS?

OF COURSE.

HERE YOU GO.
KEEP THE CHANGE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

MAY I BORROW
SOME PEANUT OIL?

WE DON'T USE IT.

OUR PEANUTS
DON'T SQUEAK.

I SEE
YOU'RE HAVING OYSTERS.

OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER
IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

MONEY ROCKEFELLER
IS ONE OF MINE.

OYSTERS ARE
AN APHRODISIAC.

I SURE WOULDN'T BUY
NO HONKY-DISIAC.

OYSTERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
A SEXUAL STIMULANT.

I BUY THEM
FOR THE FLAVOR.

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU LIKED OYSTERS.

I HAVE FOR YEARS.

WHAT'S THAT?

OYSTERS.

WHAT DO I DO
WITH THESE?

ROAST THEM.

ROAST THEM?

I LIKE THEM
BARBECUED, TOO.

THERE ARE ALL KINDS
OF APHRODISIACS.

MY UNCLE, WHO WAS
STATIONED IN INDIA,

ATE POWDERED
RHINOCEROS HORN.

DID IT HELP
HIS LOVE LIFE?

YES, BUT THERE WAS
ONE SIDE EFFECT.

EVERY SPRING,
HE WENT BERSERK

AND TORE UP THE SOFA
WITH HIS NOSE.

MR. BENTLEY,
WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU?

I WANTED TO BORROW
SOME PEANUT OIL.

FLORENCE WILL
GIVE IT TO YOU.

I'M MAKING
A CANTONESE DUCK.

HOW?
BY THROWING A ROCK
AT ITS HEAD?

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

HOW DO YOU MAKE
DUCK CANTONESE?

THROW A ROCK AT IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT IT'S FUNNY.

YOU CAN'T MAKE
A CANTONESE DUCK

OUT OF
AN ENGLISH TURKEY.

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

SURE.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR
NOT COMING TO BED.

SOME OTHER TIME.

I GOT TO
ANSWER THE DOOR.

HELEN,
TALK TO LOUISE.

I REALLY CAN'T STAY.

WHY NOT?
YOU ALWAYS
STAYED BEFORE.

THAT'S BECAUSE
I CAN'T RESIST

YOUR CHARMING
PERSONALITY.

I KNOW.
NOBODY CAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TICKETS
TO THE BALLET TONIGHT?

YOU AND TOM
AREN'T GOING?

WE'RE HAVING
A CANDLELIGHT DINNER,
ALONE.

OH.

TOM IS IN
ONE OF HIS ROMANTIC MOODS.

HE'S A REAL TIGER.

A TIGER?
THAT OVERSTUFFED MOUSE?

IT'S LIKE OUR HONEYMOON
ALL OVER AGAIN.

THIS WEEK, WE'VE WORN OUT
THREE JOHNNY MATHIS RECORDS.

WHAT'S GOT INTO TOM?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I AIN'T
FIGHTING IT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UP TO SEE MY FRIEND.

WHAT?

MY ACE BOON COON.
I AIN'T SEEN MY BUDDY
IN A WHILE.

YOU SAW HIM YESTERDAY.

WE GOT A LOT
OF CATCHING UP.

WHAT'S GOT
INTO HIM?

I WISH I KNEW.

HE'S BEEN
ACTING STRANGE.

CAN YOU USE
THESE BALLET TICKETS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M TRYING TO GET
GEORGE TO SLEEP
EARLY TONIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE EXTRA TICKETS
FOR THE BALLET?

CAN YOU USE THEM?

YOU'RE SURE
YOU WON'T REGRET IT?

NO WAY.

MAY I SAY IT LOOKS LIKE
A FOWL EVENING AHEAD.

A FOUL EVENING?

CANTONESE DUCK
FOLLOWED BY SWAN LAKE.

OH.

DAMN. I SHOULD HAVE
MADE THAT.

LET'S TALK
MAN TO MAN.

NO BEATING
AROUND THE BUSH.

I THINK THIS FLOOR
BREAKS TO THE RIGHT.

DAMN IT, WILLIS.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?

I AM LISTENING.

I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHAT?

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

IT'S ALL
IN THE GRIP.

HUH?

I HAVE THIS
OVERLAPPING...

OH, NOT THAT,
DUMMY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT GOLF.

NO.
MORE LIKE...

BASEBALL.

BASEBALL?

LIKE REGGIE JACKSON.

FIRST, HE SWINGS
AND STRIKES OUT.

THE NEXT TIME,
HE HITS A HOME RUN.

HE COULD FOUL OUT.

I DON'T WANT
TO FOUL OUT!

WHAT?

THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

YOUR PROBLEM IS
NOT FOULING OUT?

MY PROBLEM IS
NOT GETTING UP
TO THE PLATE.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, UH, WILLIS,

DID YOU EVER HAVE
ANY TROUBLE IN BED?

I DON'T THINK SO.

NOT SINCE
I WAS POTTY TRAINED.

I DON'T MEAN THAT,
YOU DUMB TURKEY.

I MEAN,
WELL, YOU KNOW.

OH, YOU MEAN
THAT TROUBLE.

RIGHT.

NEVER.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

BECAUSE
THIS FRIEND OF MINE,

HE'S GOT THAT PROBLEM.

NATURALLY,
I DON'T KNOW
NOTHIN' ABOUT THAT.

WHY DOESN'T HE TALK
WITH HIS DOCTOR?

HE DOESN'T WANT
TO WORRY HIM.

HE'S A FAMILY DOCTOR.

I UNDERSTAND.

HE'D RATHER SEE
A STRANGER.

DO YOU KNOW
ANY STRANGE DOCTORS?

I KNOW A DOCTOR,
DR. BEAMISH.

GIVE ME
THE DOCTOR'S NUMBER,

AND I'LL PASS IT ON
TO MY FRIEND.

OH, I SEE.

HI, HELEN.

GEORGE,
YOU POOR MAN.

HE AIN'T THAT BAD
OF A TEACHER.

LOUISE TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.

WHAT?

HELEN...

IT'S ONLY
AN INEXPENSIVE VASE.

WHAT DID LOUISE
TELL YOU?

ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.

WHAT PROBLEM?

THE ONE YOU'RE
HAVING AT NIGHT.

SHE KNOWS?

OF COURSE.
I CAN TELL.

YOU CAN?

LOOK, HELEN...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ANYBODY CAN TELL
YOU'VE GOT INSOMNIA.

OH, YEAH.
THAT PROBLEM.

LOOK HOW IRRITABLE
YOU ARE.

IT'S NOT LIKE ME.

LET ME GET
BACK DOWNSTAIRS.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER

FOR DR. BEAMISH'S NUMBER.

DR. BEAMISH?

HE'S A VET,
AN ANIMAL DOCTOR.

LEROY'S GOT
THIS SICK CAT.

SEE Y'ALL LATER.

IS THAT THE DR. BEAMISH
I KNOW?

THE PSYCHIATRIST?

IT'S NOT JUST INSOMNIA.

IT'S THEIR SEX LIFE.

GEORGE HAS NO DRIVE.

LOUISE NEVER SAID
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

I DON'T THINK
SHE EVEN NOTICED.

WOULDN'T THAT BE
HARD TO MISS?

LOUISE THINKS
IT'S INSOMNIA.

I'M TELLING HER
THE TRUTH.

I'LL LOOK UP
DR. BEAMISH'S NUMBER.

TOM,
WAIT A MINUTE.

WE DON'T
HAVE TO RUSH.

HUH?

DR. BEAMISH WON'T BE IN
UNTIL TOMORROW.

PUT ON
A JOHNNY MATHIS RECORD.

MR. JEFFERSON?

THIS DOCTOR
IS EXPENSIVE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN
A DOCTOR

WITH SO MANY
SECRETARIES.

WELL, LET'S GO SEE
OLD DR. BEAMISH.

I'M OLD DR. BEAMISH.

YOU'RE JIVIN'.
YOU'RE A DOCTOR?

A REAL DOCTOR.

GOT A DIPLOMA
AND A MERCEDES.

I WON'T STRIP
IN FRONT OF NO WOMAN.

I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.

I WAS EXPECTING
A REGULAR DOCTOR...

A MAN WITH A POCKET
FULL OF POPSICLE STICKS

TO LOOK DOWN
YOUR THROAT.

MR. JEFFERSON,
I EXAMINE YOUR MIND.

MY HEAD ISN'T WHERE
THE PROBLEM IS.

WILLIS DON'T KNOW
ONE END FROM THE OTHER.

TELL ME WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS.

TELL YOU?

YES.

WELL.
OK.

SOMETIMES AT NIGHT...

NO, I MEAN...

YOU KNOW HOW
THE SNAKE

TURNS ADAM AND EVE ON
WITH AN APPLE?

IF THAT SNAKE
GAVE ME AND MY WIFE

A BARREL OF APPLES,

NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.

MRS. JEFFERSON
IS UNRESPONSIVE.

IT'S NOT HER.
IT'S ME.

I'VE BEEN HITTING
A LOT OF FOUL BALLS LATELY.

WHAT?

IT'S BEEN A MONTH

SINCE CUPID
ZAPPED AN ARROW

INTO OUR BEDROOM.

THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL.

AND A WEEK BEFORE.

NOT UNHEARD OF.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN
I LAST HEARD THOSE
THREE LITTLE WORDS.

I LOVE YOU?

NO. I GOT A HEADACHE.

I UNDERSTAND.
HAVE YOU HAD SPECIAL
BUSINESS PROBLEMS LATELY?

I'VE BEEN HAVING
A LOT OF TROUBLE

WITH THE STORE
IN QUEENS.

THERE.
YOU SEE?

NO. WHAT?

IT'S STRESS.
YOURS IS A COMMON COMPLAINT
WITH MEN.

YEAH, OLD MEN.

AGE HAS LITTLE
TO DO WITH IT.

IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS
TEMPORARY.

IT WILL PASS.

YEAH, BUT WHEN?

WHEN YOU GET RID OF
THE STRESS.

WHEN I STOP WORRYING
ABOUT THE STORE?

I WOULDN'T
BE SURPRISED.

I COULD HAVE TROUBLE
WITH THAT STORE
A WHOLE YEAR.

I NEED HELP QUICK.

THERE ARE
SEVERAL TECHNIQUES.

WHAT ARE THEY?

YOU MIGHT CONSIDER
A SURROGATE.

A LAWYER?
WE DON'T WANT TO GET DIVORCED.

NO.
A SEXUAL SURROGATE.

SAY WHAT?

A TRAINED WOMAN.

TRAINED IN WHAT?

WITH HER, YOU HAVE
TALKING AND TOUCHING

AND ULTIMATELY, THE FULL
ROMANTIC EXPERIENCE.

YOU MEAN
ME AND HER WOULD...

YOU'LL DO
WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID TO DO.

ARE YOU JIVIN'?

I JIVE YOU NOT.

I'M MARRIED!

SO IS SHE.

SHAME ON HER!

IF YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND,

I CAN SET UP
AN APPOINTMENT.

TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE?

IT'S CALLED THERAPY.

NOT WHERE I GREW UP.

YOUR MOUTH SHOULD BE
WASHED OUT WITH SOAP.

MARCUS WELBY WOULD NEVER
TELL A GUY TO DO THAT.

HE DRIBBLED
OUT OF CHARLEY'S BAR.

BRING HIM IN,
RALPH.

I AIN'T NO GOOD,
WEEZ.

I ALMOST WENT
TO A DEMONSTRATOR.

BUT DON'T WORRY.
I DIDN'T.

I PASSED OUT
AT THE BAR.

YOU WHAT?

♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN ♪

I LIFTED HIM
OFF THE SIDEWALK

TO GET HIM
TO HIS FEET,

THEN I DUSTED HIM OFF.

HE WAS COVERED
WITH DUST AND STUFF.

YOU GOT
A LITTLE EXTRA COMING.

SHOULD I
CARRY SOMETHING?

NO, NO.

MOVE A LITTLE CHAIR?

MAKE IT UP
SOME OTHER TIME.

YES, MA'AM.
I'LL REMEMBER.

♪ NOBODY ♪

THAT'S A DUDE THAT'S
BEEN SIPPIN' THE SAUCE.

IT'S NOT
HIS FAULT.

HE'S GOT
A PROBLEM.

WHAT KIND
OF PROBLEM?

NEVER MIND.
HELEN WILLIS
TOLD ME ABOUT IT.

I AIN'T THE MAN
I WAS.

THAT'S GOOD NEWS.

FLORENCE,
PLEASE.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

HELP ME GET MR. JEFFERSON
INTO THE BEDROOM.

HURRY,
BEFORE HE WAKES UP.

HOLD HIM WHILE
I TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF.

I WON'T EITHER.

THIS IS NO TIME
FOR MODESTY.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

SORRY.
TWO THINGS I DON'T DO...

WINDOWS AND ZIPPERS.

JUST COVER YOUR EYES.

BE CAREFUL.
HE'S A LIGHT SLEEPER.

ALL RIGHT.
BUT HURRY UP.

FLORENCE,
HE'S WAKING UP.

HELP ME FINISH
UNDRESSING HIM.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'LL BE
LOCKED IN MY ROOM.

GEORGE.

GEORGE,
WAKE UP.

WHAT HAPPENED?

DON'T BE SO MODEST.

SAY WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT,
TIGER.

TIGER?

GEORGE,
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

I WAS THAT GOOD?

YOU CAME THROUGH
LIKE A CHAMP.

LIKE REGGIE JACKSON
HITTING A HOME RUN
IN THE 9th?

BETTER.

GOOD NIGHT,
GEORGE.

THIS GAME'S
GOING INTO EXTRA INNINGS.

THE JEFFERSONS WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪♪