The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Speech - full transcript

Wow! That's quite something.
Quite an honour.

I know.

They must be very
impressed with you.

I didn't even know they had an
Employee of the Month thing here.

- Really? I thought you won it once.
- No, everyone thought I was dead.

Aha.

Employee... of the Month.

Yeah, it's a valued title.

- Have you ever won it?
- Er, no. No, I haven't.

I don't know, Jen,

sometimes I think it's because
I just want it so damn much!



I am the Employee of the Month.

And yet, to a casual observer,

it would appear that you do
very little around here.

Yeah. They must have
seen through that.

I think someone up there
must have sensed something in me,

something I've always known
was there - a greatness?

No, I'm not saying that,
but... well, something.

Yeah! Yeah, I'm sensing something.

Don't worry,
I won't let it go to my head.

Guess who's won
Employee of the Month.

- Roy.
- No.

- Richmond.
- No.

- Harry.
- Who's Harry?

- The postman.
- No.



- Me.
- No.

- I said Roy, right? Richmond.
- Meeeee!

- Oh! Oh, about time!
- Yeah.

- Whatever happened to Richmond?
- He got scurvy.

Can you be more specific?

I'm trying to build up a picture of
your role in Reynholm Industries.

Well, I'm the boss,
head honcho, el numero uno,

Mr Big, the Godfather,

Lord of the Rings,

the Bourne Identity,

er... Taxi Driver,

Jaws.

I forgot the question quite a
while back. Who are you again?

I'm April Shepherd. You're being made
Richest magazine's Man of the Year.

- I'm doing the profile.
- Oh, yes, that's right.

You're the boss--
what does that entail?

Oh, many things.

This morning, for instance,

I had to choose the Employee
of the Month from the box.

May I ask,
what are you doing on that pad?

One of my little hobbies is
caricature.

Sometimes I like to sketch someone
as I'm talking to them.

- May I?
- Well, I'm not very good.

I'm no Truman Capote.

Great. OK, erm...

I'll tell you what, let's just
do some quickfire questions.

Maybe they'll give me an insight
into "the real you".

OK.

Who is your favourite
person from history?

Sherlock Holmes.

- Well, he's fictional.
- Whoa!

I think you'd better
check your facts there. Fictional?

Who took care of the business with the
giant dog that was eating everybody?

It wasn't Watson.

Don't tell me,
I suppose he was fictional too?

Maybe there was no giant dog.

No, no, I think you're playing
games with me, young lady!

OK, then, favourite
fictional character?

Oh... the Elephant Man.

Tell you what, let me
widen the question out.

Favourite popular figure?

- Churchill.
- What is it you like about him?

I love the way he says:

"Oh, yes! Oh, yes!"

I think perhaps it's you
who's playing games with me.

You're a very surprising
man, Mr Reynholm.

Yes...

I am a surprising man.

April, may I take you to dinner?

Oh, I don't think
I could possibly...

In Paris.

- Paris?!
- Paris, yes.

It's the name of a new
restaurant in Hull.

That's right,
we're going to Hull!

Hey, Roy, come over here.
Look at this.

"'The biggest adventure
you can ever take

is to live the life
of your dreams"--

Oprah Winfrey?!

I suppose that is the
biggest adventure.

Guys, come on in.

Sit down.

- Is this a new desk?
- Yeah.

I thought I needed some new furniture, so
I got some stuff from upstairs. Sit down.

I just thought, what with all this
extra attention on us... on me,

it might be worth looking
at ourselves and saying,

"Hey, am I really
giving it 110%?"

"And if not, why not?

What the heck is wrong with me?
Am I mentally ill or something?"

Roy, let's start with you.

When you're upstairs,
fiddling about with compu-ters,

would it hurt to smile?

Don't you realise
what a difference that would make? Eh?

Come on, let's see a smile now.
Come on.

No, more warmth. Warmer.

You're just showing more teeth.
That's not warmth.

I would say that's
more of a threatening look, actually.

I'll tell you what, Roy, keep at it.
That's your homework. Moss...

So, what's your speech
going to be about?

What speech?

Every Employee of the Month has to give
a speech in their area of expertise.

Which for you is "compu-ters".

- Where do I have to--?
- At the monthly shareholders' meeting.

- When do I have to...?
- Friday.

- What time...?
- Morning.

How's that?

- What's up, guys?
- All right, Jen?

Ohhhhh... God!

- Just writing a speech.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

- How's that going?
- Good, good, good, good, good, good.

You know, I was thinking...

if there's anything you guys want to
say, I can put it in, it's no problem.

Oh! Oh, yeah.
Hm, interesting.

Erm, is there anything you'd like
to say to the shareholders, Moss?

- Just say hi.
- Say hi from us.

- OK.
- I love this.

How many more times
is she going to come in?

Maybe it'd be a good idea
if you two contributed to this.

Oh, yeah? Why?

I think it would give you experience in
writing a speech for a public figure.

Well, obviously, in our line
of work that would be handy.

But you know what, Jen?
I'm actually snowed under here.

Wait a second. Wait a second!

- Oh! Oh, what are we doing?!
- Huh?

- We should totally write that speech!
- Why?

OK, offer to write
the speech for Jen.

- No.
- You have to. I can't do it.

She'll know something's
up if I do it.

- You have to do it.
- Why would I do that?

- Moss, do you trust me?
- No.

- Do you trust me?
- No.

If you trust me,
then offer to write that speech.

I. Don't. Trust. You.

Hello?

I feel really bad, having all
the fun writing this speech.

Do it.
Offer, offer, offer.

Well, I suppose we
could write the speech

so that, you know, you look like
you know what you're talking about.

Thanks. I'm off for lunch.
Leave it on my desk.

My God!

I know.

That's brilliant!

So now you understand why we have
to write that speech for Jen.

She will say anything we tell her to.

She will say anything we tell her to.

We can put any old bollocks in that
speech, and she shall repeat it.

It's going to be hilarious.

Sometimes I could kiss your mind, Roy!

OK, so let's just... I don't know,
let's just throw around a few ideas.

- OK, let's do it.
- OK.

Ooh! Could we tell her that there's
an apple inside every Apple Mac?

- It's good.
- Yeah.

We could say that
Bill Gates is called Bill Gates

because he owns
a lot of gates.

Hm! That's good.
It's not quite punchy enough.

And it's probably true now anyway -
I'll bet he does own a lot of gates.

He probably does.

It's got to be something big.

I think I may have it.

What?

You best put seatbelts
on your ears, Roy,

cos I'm going to take them
for the ride of their lives.

- Delightful.
- Oh, no, no, no. You're silly.

Do you know, I've never been so
enchanted by a woman in all my life.

What's your name again?
I know you told me.

- April.
- Ah, what a charming name.

Always been one of my favourites.

April... after dinner,

would you do me the honour of
accompanying me to my bed?

- Oh. Erm...
- No, I've said too much!

I've let my heart overpower my head,
which is my wont.

But I don't care.
I find you enchanting.

And there's a condom machine
in the toilet-- I've checked.

I'm very flattered, Douglas,
but, erm...

there's a problem,
something I should tell you.

- Go on.
- Erm...

I- I have a secret.

I could dance around the
subject, but I like you, Douglas,

and I want to
be straight with you.

Oh?

Erm...

I used to be a man, Douglas.

I used to be a man.

I wish there was an easier
way of saying that,

but believe me, there's not.

I've had a lot of hormone therapy
and a number of operations.

I'm really sorry. I... I hope
you don't feel I deceived you.

I understand if you
would rather I left.

I don't care.

What?!

Doesn't bother me.

Doesn't bother you at all?

It takes all sorts to make a world.

Wow!

- It bothers most men.
- I'm not most men.

And the offer still stands.

Are you up for it?

Oh!

Amazing! Just amazing.

You liked it?

You really know your
way around that area.

Well...

Tell me, what are you doing
tomorrow night, April?

I was thinking of staying in
and watching the darts.

You've read my mind.

What is it?

This, Jen... is the Internet.

- What?
- That's right.

This is the Internet?

- The whole internet?
- Yep.

I asked for a loan of it so that
you could use it in your speech.

It's so small!

That's one of the
surprising things about it.

Hang on, it doesn't have
any wires or anything.

It's wireless.

Oh, yes, everything's wireless
nowadays, isn't it?

I can really use it in my speech?
What if someone needs it?

People will still be able to
go online. It will still work.

Oh, good.

I tell you, you
present this to the shareholders

and you will
get quite a response.

Can I touch it?

Oh! It's so light!

Of course it is, Jen.
The Internet doesn't weigh anything.

No, of course it doesn't.

Hey!

What is Jen doing
with the Internet?!

Moss said I could
use it for my speech.

Are you insane?!

- What if she drops it?
- I won't drop it. I'll look after it.

No! No, no, no, no, no, Jen.

No, this... this needs to go
straight back to Big Ben.

- Big Ben?
- Yep, it goes on top of Big Ben.

That's where you get
the best reception.

I promise I won't let
anything happen to it.

No, Jen, I'm sorry.

The elders of the Internet
would never stand for it.

No, Roy, I spoke to the elders of
the Internet not one hour ago.

I told them about Jen winning
Employee of the Month.

And they were so impressed
that they wanted

to do whatever
they could to help.

Wait a minute!
The elders of the Internet?

The elders of the
internet know who I am?!

You've got to let me have it!

No, Jen.
I'm sorry, it's just too risky.

- Oh, please, Roy?
- Oh...

Well... Moss, has it been
completely demagnetised?

By Stephen Hawking himself.

Who sends his congratulations,
by the way.

Well, if it's OK with the Hawk...

So can I have it?

You can.

- Oh, don't forget your speech.
- Thank you.

- Shh!
- Shh!

Slowly.

April, these past few days
have been like a dream.

Usually, I can't wait to get away
from a woman once I've ejaculated.

But with you...
I don't know, I feel alive.

- April, I love you.
- What?!

That's right. I totally love
the bloody arse off you.

Oh, Douglas, I love you too!

Oh, poppet...

to think when we met you were so
worried that you came from Iran.

- What?
- When we met.

As if I'd be worried
about something like that.

I don't care where you're from -
Iran, France...

Doesn't bother me.
I'm very modern.

I'm not from Iran.

Well, you said
something along those lines.

No, not "Iran", "a man".
I said, "I used to be a man."

You used to be a man?!

Yes!

Oh, God!

Well, we have a very interesting talk
lined up for today.

Our Employee of the Month
and computer expert Jen Barber

has kindly agreed to say a few words
about her role in the IT department.

Speaking as someone
who doesn't know the difference

between a laptop and, erm...
the larger one,

I'm certainly looking forward
to hearing what she has to say.

Good morning.

When I was asked to
give a speech

about what it is I do
and everything...

I was very excited.

"At last", I thought,

"a chance to explain the wonders of
technology to... ordinary folk."

But then I thought, "Who wants to
listen to a boring old speech?"

Wouldn't it be better
if I could actually

bring one of these
wonders in to show you?

Say, I don't know... the Internet.

I think it would, and I have.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
present to you... the Internet!

Oh, please, no flash photography.
You'll harm the Internet.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Why is no one laughing?

...if anything were to
happen to this box,

the world as we know it
would fall into chaos,

planes would drop from
the sky like tables,

society would tear itself apart
like an angry child with a napkin.

Man's primeval instinct
to survive at any cost

would lead to
terrible violence.

So, please,
no flash photography.

I must say, this is all
very impressive, Douglas.

- So what exactly are you working on?
- I don't know.

April... we need to talk.

Oh, darling,
couldn't we do this at home?

I was hoping we could get shitfaced
and watch the telly.

There'll no more getting shitfaced
and watching the telly,

there'll be no more
Steven Seagal marathons,

and there'll be no more
paintballing weekends.

I'm afraid our adventure
has come to an end.

- What?! But... but why?
- It's not you, it's me.

No, actually,
it's not me, it is you.

I'm sorry.

You don't think of
me as a woman, do you?

What? Of course I do.

It bothers you that
I used to be a man!

No!

I love that you used to be a man -
it's your thing.

I love thinking about
that operation that you had.

Oh, please!
Look at me - I am a woman.

- This is a woman in front of you!
- Excuse me.

I am a woman!

- You're tearing me apart.
- Please, Douglas.

I'm sorry, it's beyond my control.

Please, Douglas. Please!

Just go.
You're making this harder for me.

You...!

How could you do this?

How could you do this to me?!

You bastard!

...and that's what the
flashing light is for.

- Any more?
- Is it heavy?

Is it... That's a bit
of a silly question--

the Internet doesn't
weigh anything.

Well, OK, guys,
I guess I should wrap it up.

- Aw...
- No, no, I really have to finish up.

More! More! More!
More! More! More!

Guys!
Oh, my God, you really like me.

- This really isn't that funny.
- I know. It's terrible.

I thought at least
we'd get a good story out of it,

you know,
something we'd remember.

It's over, April!

Jesus!

The Internet!

We're all going to die!

Everybody stay calm.

Wait for me! Wait!

He needs to hold his nerve now.

He's done it!

But it's not the same!

Oh, April!