The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Reunion - full transcript
(ALL SCREAMING)
MATTY:
It's been a wild season.
(VOICE DISTORTED) Yeah!
MATTY:
Filled with betrayals.
Ooh... Are y'all
having sex in here?
MATTY: Beat downs!
(ALL SCREAMING)
And breakdowns.
I am going to go
climb that butterfly.
But now it's time
to stop throwing shade...
How's this for shade?
That's Sade! Sade!
MATTY: And pull up a chair.
(VOICE DISTORTED) My chair!
As we catch up with
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
Shalom, and welcome
to The Hotwives
of Las Vegas
reunion special.
We're coming off our most
explosive season yet.
And we're here live
from Cassandra's clam,
Las Vegas' oldest and
most respected whore house.
Now, speaking of old,
respected whores,
let's say hello
to our Hotwives.
Hi, ladies.
ALL: Hi.
Ladies, this season
has been called
the most heart-wrenching
and disgusting season
of Hotwives yet.
ALL: Aw. Thank you.
That is nice to hear.
It was fun.
Thank you.
And, our viewers
had a lot to say.
Cody from Framingham,
Massachusetts asked,
"First Lady, Jenfer,
"have you gotten over
Jenfer's betrayal,
"and then, First Lady's
subsequent betrayal over Ace?"
Oh, people are so pedestrian.
I mean, we proved with
basic science that Ace
never cheated on me.
I got pregnant
with Ace's baby
when Jenfer
was always around.
So my embryo
jumped into her.
That baby was mine
all the time.
And, that is exactly
what happened.
FIRST LADY: Yes.
Let's take a look
at a picture.
ALL: Oh!
Sweetie, he looks
exactly like Jenfer.
Look at him,
spitting image.
Look, you all need to
just turn out the lights,
and then it looks
just like First Lady.
I look like First Lady
in the dark, too. So...
Jenfer, have you gotten
over First Lady's betrayal?
Well, as you all recall,
at first I was like,
"Don't touch my baby!"
But then, after I
shot that baby out
of my vagina hole,
I wanted to give it to
First Lady and I'm at peace.
Now, that is actually
a very unusual thing
for a new mother to say.
Thank you.
The thing is I am busy,
busy, busy, and it is
hard to raise a baby,
especially...
God!
When you're
severely disabled.
Aw.
Because I can't even point
at my little baby and say,
"You shut your
goddamn mouth!"
(SOFTLY) I can't do that.
(SNIFFLES)
And that's why I didn't
raise my other kids.
That's right.
But the good news is
I'm pregnant again.
(ALL CHEERING)
Jenfer, is it true that you
actually got pregnant the
night that you gave birth?
Damn right.
My vag is a goddamn
sperm magnet.
Oh yeah! Hella.
And I'll tell that you
I don't even know
who the father is
'cause they were so many
guys up in that Jacuz,
but that's life
and it's my journey.
Well Jenfer, the producers
with your best
interests at heart
had decided to give you
a secret amnio test
while you were sleeping
to find out who the father
of your baby actually is.
What? What?
LEONA: That's so sweet.
We have the results of that
paternity tests right here.
LEONA: Oh, my gosh!
We will open this
later in the show.
ALL: Aww!
I am so curious.
I don't know.
I mean, it is one of many.
Speaking of babies
Claire from Boise,
Idaho wants to know,
"Ivanka, how is your
child not being taken
away by child services yet?"
Great question.
She's doing great.
Thank you for asking.
Uh, I will say that she
is still little chubby,
uh, but I will
working on it.
But, I do want
to say that I feel,
looking back,
a little foolish
for thinking that her
weight gain was due
to Callie's witchcraft.
I just want to say
I'm sorry to you
and that was very American
of me to blame you for that.
That's what we do.
Well, thank you
because that really hurt.
Fat babies are disgusting.
Ugh! So gross.
And while I work
in the dark arts,
I would never work
in arts that dark.
It's too dark.
But, the good news is Lola,
Vance, and I are all very
happy together again,
and I am healthy again
after my brief meth
addiction. So...
I'm sorry, did you
say that you were
addicted to meth?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know in the last
episode of the season
I took a couple of
First Lady's
methamphetamine pills.
And, I have to say,
um, I really like them.
It's such
a great product.
Well it's actually,
it's an addictive drug.
No. It is not.
It's a supplement,
Matty.
That's what it is.
And it was one of our top
sellers until the
FDA shut us down.
They have no right.
No.
Ivanka, what made
you decide to go clean?
Well, you know I think
First Lady said it.
Um, she had to stop
making the pills,
and there's just, you know,
there's nowhere else
that you can find meth.
Actually, that's not true.
Now, moving on to Callie...
Wait, wait a minute.
You know where
I can find meth?
Seriously. Matty,
you just tell me,
I will suck your
(BLEEP) so hard,
just give me one bit.
ALL: Ugh!
Okay, Callie, uh...
Viewer Mason Green writes,
"Callie, you may
think you're witch,
"but I think what you really
are starts with a B."
Blue.
Bartenders.
Boy.
Butter.
Business.
I think what he's saying
is that you are a bitch.
But he said it in
a very clever way.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Oh, the B was for bitch!
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Stop! I'm gonna have
to take a break.
JENFER: Oh, my gosh!
I appreciate that
kind of cleverness.
CALLIE: But listen.
Ivanka and I are family,
and family fight.
Well, let's see some
of the footage
from those family fights.
That's enough.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(URINATING)
(SCREAMING)
(SPITTING)
(CHUCKLES) See,
family is complicated.
Yes. You know,
Callie and I, we just want
to have a fresh start.
I want to find all new
ways of hating her.
Me too.
Right.
You know, Matty,
on our time off,
we've have been having these
amazing heart to hearts
where we have spilled all of
our secrets to each other.
And now I know
something about Callie
that she really wouldn't
want anyone here to know.
You wouldn't dare!
No. I am just
saying that
I could tell this pretty
amazing secret,
but I wouldn't do that.
We are all good,
I promise.
We're all good.
Callie, do you want to
tell us your secret?
I don't.
Okay.
Leona, tell me how everything
is going at Venus' Mound?
Oh, thank you.
It is doing great, um,
business is booming,
and we are franchising
now because it
turns out people love tits
in lots of different cities.
Well, it makes sense.
Also, there's a rumor going
around that I dated Ace
for a little while.
WOMAN: What?
Hold up!
What?
JENFER: Now, hold up.
Excuse me.
Did you date Ace?
Matty, this is not
the time or the place,
not at a reunion episode
of a reality television show.
It's literally the exact
time and place that
you should do this.
Not here and not now!
Well, where and when?
I am contractually
obligated to fight about
stuff on this show.
I did not bring it up.
And speaking of
a relationship that did
get a lot of attention...
Let's turn our attention
to Denise and Phe Phe
in something that
we call Chair-Nobyl.
Ah!
You know you have to
pay me every time you
say that, right?
I just got
so rich right now.
She patented it.
I'm just gonna go
back to my seat.
Why was Phe Phe
sitting in my chair?
That bitch does not
deserve a chair.
You did not just sit
in Phe Phe's chair.
I deserve this chair!
(ALL ARGUING)
I am not crazy!
I am not crazy!
I was going through some
tough stuff this season
and it was not good.
Yes, you were and
our audience picked up on it
by writing in and telling us
that you looked
deeply disturbed.
You were hard to watch.
And some even called
you (BLEEP) crazy. Wow!
They're not wrong.
After my divorce,
I was in a bad place.
I was off my meds
and, uh,
I think it manifested
itself in Chair-Nobyl.
Cha-ching!
But, I got some great help
from some doctors at a
wonderful insane asylum.
They taught me how to work
through my insecurities
and that I could be the one
to give myself hugs.
(GIGGLES)
Oh, wow, that's nice
and sad.
WOMAN: Aww.
Aww. Yeah.
That's not the same as like a
hug from someone else, right?
(MOANING)
Okay!
Oh!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
LEONA:
Okay! Okay! Stop it!
(GIGGLING)
Look, it's my hug bucket,
it's so full right now.
Look, I am not
a psychologist
until I finish my exams,
but I don't think
this was about the chair.
I think this was about
a feeling of security
and that's what we
were fighting over.
What do you think
about that, Denise?
No, I just really like chairs.
All right.
And I like hot husbands.
And after the break,
we'll get a chance to
sit down with them
and talk about what
it's like to live and love
in the city of sin.
Also, we'll get to
Jenfer's paternity test.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
If you think that you know
who the father is,
why don't you
tweet at us, right now?
We'll be right back.
I don't even know
who it was.
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
I open up my legs...
I just let them do
whatever they want.
Welcome back to
The Hotwives of Las Vegas
Reunion Special.
And the results are in here.
(GASPS)
And they'll be read
later in the episode.
Joining us now are
the Hotmen of Las Vegas.
Welcome, gentlemen!
Hi!
Hi, Matty!
Kelly, I am so glad
you can join us.
I know that you've
recently had some tragedy.
Well, Matty, what happened was
I had to get plastic surgery
on the inside of my throat
tried to get it younger
so I can do more
hip impressions.
Unfortunately, it trapped me
in this Mickey Mouse voice
'cause of a mistake
in the surgery.
I'm so sorry to hear
that, Kelly.
Now, I was under the
impression, no pun intended...
(GIGGLING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
That you and Denise
were no longer dating
because you are
actually married.
Well, what's happened now
that I am Mickey Mouse
all the time, Kelly really
doesn't exist,
so I don't have to deal
with that old wife anymore
and I'm freed up
to be with Denise.
(LAUGHING)
Oh! That laugh
really gets you.
Denise, how does
that make you feel?
(GIGGLES)
I have always had quite
a sexual attraction
to Mickey Mouse
as well as many
Disney characters.
It's just been a real
boon to our sex life.
We really had
a lot of fun with this.
Okay!
Moving on...
Welcome, Junior.
How's it going?
Well, look at you.
You look very grown up
in your suit...
Oh! Thank you.
My mom helped me
pick out the suit.
Now, that actually brings
me to a question.
You are starting
a new business?
I've become an entrepreneur
to launch my new business,
just like my mother.
Except, I am in the tech
space and I'm doing great.
Now, tell us a little bit
about your company.
JUNIOR: Oh, yeah! Sure.
So, how do I do this
in layman's terms?
It's a peer to peer interface
that helps facilitate
an ever-expanding
male user base
to share in a social setting,
pictures of your
ex-girlfriend's titties.
You're talking about
revenge porn.
No! It's...
You know what, I really
liked the way that
Junior put it a lot more.
Okay, from one disturbing
family to another.
Welcome, Vance.
Hi, Matty.
You're looking great,
by the way.
Thank you, you're looking
great, a real handsome man.
Oh, come on, Matty,
you're the handsome one,
you're the most attractive
man in show business.
Stop it!
You're the best looking
guy in show business.
No, you are.
Stop it!
You stop.
Seriously, someone
needs to stop.
Okay, someone stop.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Now, Vance,
you stood by this season
as your wife and your sister
fought over you.
Now that you have
seen all the footage,
can you tell which
one you love more?
No, I can't, Matty.
Callie is my sister,
she's my flesh and blood.
It's a bond that Ivanka
and I will never have.
I love you so much,
Brother Boo.
I love you so much,
Sister Boo.
I love you so powerful.
I love you so much.
But, Ivanka and
I are married.
And that marriage certificate
is something that Callie
and I will never have.
You'll never have it because
paper's thicker than blood.
FIRST LADY:
And they're siblings...
So, it's illegal, actually.
So you'll never have that.
And disgusting.
But, can I just
take this moment
to just remind
everybody that
I know something very
explosive about Callie
that I am keeping
to myself
because I don't feel
like I should share it
with everybody?
And I'm just
saying if I told you,
you would freak out.
You wouldn't dare!
Don't make me.
And, Vance,
just like that,
you managed to stay out
of the drama between
your wife and your sister.
How do you do it?
I don't know, Matty.
I guess you can say that
I live in a bubble.
Ah!
What's happening?
What's happening?
Those are bubbles.
Oh!
(CHUCKLES) You are
a gorgeous genius,
that is undeniable.
Now, let's move on to
something that is deniable.
Phe Phe and Adonis.
And, I stand by
that segue.
It's a good one.
Now, Adonis,
last season left off an
incredibly low note for you.
You'd seemingly run off
with all of Phe Phe's money
and worldly possessions.
What happened?
Well, Matty, it's been
a weird couple of months.
Well, take us through it.
After Phe Phe kicked you out,
did you take all of her money
and worldly possessions?
Oh, yeah!
Most definitely.
Most definitely.
But I always knew I was
coming back to Phe Phe
as long as she would let me
back into her heart
and bank account.
And Phe Phe, did you
let Adonis back in?
Yes, I did.
A love story for the ages.
Adonis, once you were back,
you were accused of stealing
over a million dollars from
Phe Phe's estate.
Ooh! (GIGGLES)
Oh, baby!
We had a trial
and everything.
I was the judge.
We did it on my
courtroom show.
Ya Guilty... Bitch.
We actually have a clip.
Let's take a look.
PHE PHE: Ooh!
The defendant is
not guilty, bitch.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Now, we spend.
We spend...
We spend.
(EXCLAIMING)
We spend.
I'm back on, free!
We were so relieved when
I found him not guilty.
Mmm.
I am so glad that your
story has a happy ending.
Now, moving on, First Lady...
You and Ace
are no longer together.
That is correct.
I have not heard from him
since we stopped
filming last season.
Well, as you all know,
Ace was a busy little
beaver last season,
working his way
through Jenfer,
First Lady and even Leona.
I had heard that.
Ace is a guy who falls quickly
in love and out of love,
depending on where
the cameras were.
Let's take a look
at him in action.
God, I love you.
I can't imagine being
with anyone else.
I love you.
Yeah?
I mean, I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
I love you
and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
Ace!
What?
So, what's Ace up to now
and how can an attention
whore like himself
pass up an opportunity
to be here on television?
We'll find out all about
that after the break.
And also the results
of Jenfer's paternity test,
coming right up.
And, we're back
and so is the envelope.
Oh! He is still
putting it away.
Now, when we last left
we wondered where Ace was.
Turns out, he got that
spin-off show that he
wanted all season long.
It's called
Ace In The Hole.
Let's take a look.
It's day 29 in this
abandoned mine-shaft
and, uh, I probably
look a mess.
Uh, last night,
I found some food
and that was awesome.
(COUGHING)
(SHRIEKING)
Now, First Lady is there
anything you want
to say to Ace?
You know, I feel like Ace
finally got what he deserves.
Jenfer?
Well, Matty,
I guess I would say,
"Ace, you hurt me real
badly when you left me
before we had our baby
"which is now
First Lady's baby,
but I've moved on, baby.
"And, I forgive you."
That's what I would say
if I saw Ace,
which I won't 'cause
he's going to die
in that mine-shaft.
MATTY: Now,
speaking of the shaft,
let's talk to our last
hot husband, Tim.
Hi, Matty.
IVANKA: Who is that?
That's my husband, Tim.
IVANKA: You have a husband?
CALLIE: Yes, Tim.
Were you here
the whole time?
Mmm-hmm.
Now, you may
not know Tim
because he was edited out
of the show for time
and for being boring,
so, Tim, can you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
Okay, Tim McAllister, I am
Callie's husband, of course.
We got separated
before the show.
Uh, got back together during,
trying to make things
work out.
Marriage, it's a real chore.
You know, you got to put
your shoulder into it
and really do the work.
And I was actually
at most of those parties...
I was at the
hotel party and also
the book release
party as well.
Uh, I remember I had
a good piece of cheese
at one of those parties.
Might have been a Euro,
no, no, no, that was,
it was butter.
Sorry, I thought
it was cheese.
But, I guess that never made
it onscreen actually,
I'm realizing now.
(ALL MUMBLE)
We're really sorry about that.
But, actually,
after hearing from
you today, not so much.
You know, honestly,
I sometimes,
just forget he's even there,
which is why it was easy for
us to get back together.
That makes sense.
Very underwhelming!
Now, speaking of
weird relationships,
Tim, how did you feel when
you saw Callie with
her brother, Vance?
Uh, well, not great,
actually.
And, I'm sorry
to raise my voice there,
but, it was, uh...
When he moved into Callie's
house and also into her bed,
uh, I was in that
bed and it was,
uh, it was pretty crowded.
It was and it was selfish
that you would take
that time away from us.
That's a fair
criticism. Yeah.
Well, let's take a look
back at some of your
most exciting moments.
God is above
and Hades below.
Come forth and suckle
on my supple teat.
We both love my brother more
than anything in the world.
Yes, see, I actually
said something there.
I know 'cause I put it
in my word journal.
I think I said, "Excuse me!"
or something like that,
but you couldn't
put that on?
Again, it was just too
boring not to edit out.
You know, and I can't
even guarantee that
you'll actually
be in this show
because you're seriously
not bringing the heat.
I'd hate to put you in this
position where you'd feel like
you'd have to
promise anything.
Well, you'll be feeling
the heat of anticipation
when we come
back from break
and reveal the results
of Jenfer's paternity test.
That's right, we'll reveal
her new baby daddy.
Oh, no!
You know who I was
thinking it could be?
Do you remember the
cater-waiter who
was at the, uh...
I just wish
I wasn't so drunk.
Hello again and
goodbye to this.
ALL: No!
Now, the Hotwives
of Las Vegas
are known for
a lot of things,
but this year
they were defined by
their amazing parties.
(ALL SCREAMING)
MATTY: Everything from their
under the sea drought gala
to their wet and
wild book party.
These ladies really
knew how to let
their hair down.
(LAUGHING)
Whoo-hoo.
That being said,
Shawndra from
Tennessee writes,
"Denise, why can't you
throw a good party
to save your goddamn life?"
Oh, my God!
FIRST LADY: Such
a good question.
Good question.
Well, I don't agree
with that person
because I think my casino
party was a lot of fun.
I mean, where else
in Vegas can you play slot
machines and roulette?
ALL: Everywhere!
CALLIE: The grocery store!
Anywhere!
A dollar store!
Every single place!
The airport.
Bathrooms.
I'm hearing all of this,
but I still say
that you did not
give my casino
party a fair chance.
Okay, I'm sorry,
we came to your party.
That was us giving
you a chance.
And, it was whack,
but that's okay for you.
Yes, because,
your thing is
being a hot mess
like my thing
is being a politician,
an entrepreneur.
No! No, no, no! Wait!
That's not true.
Because being an
entrepreneur is my thing.
Your thing is being,
like, scary skinny.
Again...
And, my thing is
I'm so damn (BLEEP)
Let me finish,
you do not let me finish!
You let me start,
so I can finish.
I am sorry, I was talking
before Denise, Leona,
so, maybe, you might like
to let me finish
before you start and finish.
I just want to start
before you guys finish
and just remind you
that I know
something about Callie
that she would not
want you to know
for a million years.
You better
not finish that!
I'm not going to!
But I could.
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I don't think I'm totally
as over my addiction
as I thought,
I can't yell for as long
as everybody can anymore.
Oh, no!
WOMAN: Oh! Honey...
No! No! She's faking.
Pay attention to me, y'all.
I'm the sick one, y'all,
I have a condition.
Y'all, the only thing
fake about me is...
My fingertip.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Think about me.
Look for my fingertip.
Everybody, look
for my fingertip.
You threw it in my face.
Look for it,
you bitches.
Why did you
throw it at me?
Where did it go?
I found it! I found it!
Actually, no,
that's a cashew.
Oh!
Oh, damn! I think I
just ate the fingertip.
I thought it
was the cashew.
I bring them because I have
low blood sugar and I just
gulped it right down.
PHE PHE: Oh, my.
The only thing worse
than throwing shade
is throwing your finger.
That (BLEEP) is nasty!
And, you know what,
we never even got to finish
arguing about letting
each other finish.
Right. And, y'all
didn't even let me finish
throwing my fingertip
before Leona had to go
and eat it like a pig.
Hey! Don't you
throw shade at me?
Not when my son is
still in the building!
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
Now, while they
figure that out,
it's time to reveal the result
of our paternity test.
Who is the father
of Jenfer's baby?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
And the father is...Tim.
Who?
PHE PHE: Who is that?
LEONA: Oh!
Hey!
I might have just had
the best glass of water
of my whole life just now.
Is that Tim?
Who is Tim?
You know me.
I have the sock blog.
Don't engage.
MATTY: And now, a toast.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
To Las Vegas!
ALL: To Las Vegas!
MATTY:
It's been a wild season.
(VOICE DISTORTED) Yeah!
MATTY:
Filled with betrayals.
Ooh... Are y'all
having sex in here?
MATTY: Beat downs!
(ALL SCREAMING)
And breakdowns.
I am going to go
climb that butterfly.
But now it's time
to stop throwing shade...
How's this for shade?
That's Sade! Sade!
MATTY: And pull up a chair.
(VOICE DISTORTED) My chair!
As we catch up with
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
Shalom, and welcome
to The Hotwives
of Las Vegas
reunion special.
We're coming off our most
explosive season yet.
And we're here live
from Cassandra's clam,
Las Vegas' oldest and
most respected whore house.
Now, speaking of old,
respected whores,
let's say hello
to our Hotwives.
Hi, ladies.
ALL: Hi.
Ladies, this season
has been called
the most heart-wrenching
and disgusting season
of Hotwives yet.
ALL: Aw. Thank you.
That is nice to hear.
It was fun.
Thank you.
And, our viewers
had a lot to say.
Cody from Framingham,
Massachusetts asked,
"First Lady, Jenfer,
"have you gotten over
Jenfer's betrayal,
"and then, First Lady's
subsequent betrayal over Ace?"
Oh, people are so pedestrian.
I mean, we proved with
basic science that Ace
never cheated on me.
I got pregnant
with Ace's baby
when Jenfer
was always around.
So my embryo
jumped into her.
That baby was mine
all the time.
And, that is exactly
what happened.
FIRST LADY: Yes.
Let's take a look
at a picture.
ALL: Oh!
Sweetie, he looks
exactly like Jenfer.
Look at him,
spitting image.
Look, you all need to
just turn out the lights,
and then it looks
just like First Lady.
I look like First Lady
in the dark, too. So...
Jenfer, have you gotten
over First Lady's betrayal?
Well, as you all recall,
at first I was like,
"Don't touch my baby!"
But then, after I
shot that baby out
of my vagina hole,
I wanted to give it to
First Lady and I'm at peace.
Now, that is actually
a very unusual thing
for a new mother to say.
Thank you.
The thing is I am busy,
busy, busy, and it is
hard to raise a baby,
especially...
God!
When you're
severely disabled.
Aw.
Because I can't even point
at my little baby and say,
"You shut your
goddamn mouth!"
(SOFTLY) I can't do that.
(SNIFFLES)
And that's why I didn't
raise my other kids.
That's right.
But the good news is
I'm pregnant again.
(ALL CHEERING)
Jenfer, is it true that you
actually got pregnant the
night that you gave birth?
Damn right.
My vag is a goddamn
sperm magnet.
Oh yeah! Hella.
And I'll tell that you
I don't even know
who the father is
'cause they were so many
guys up in that Jacuz,
but that's life
and it's my journey.
Well Jenfer, the producers
with your best
interests at heart
had decided to give you
a secret amnio test
while you were sleeping
to find out who the father
of your baby actually is.
What? What?
LEONA: That's so sweet.
We have the results of that
paternity tests right here.
LEONA: Oh, my gosh!
We will open this
later in the show.
ALL: Aww!
I am so curious.
I don't know.
I mean, it is one of many.
Speaking of babies
Claire from Boise,
Idaho wants to know,
"Ivanka, how is your
child not being taken
away by child services yet?"
Great question.
She's doing great.
Thank you for asking.
Uh, I will say that she
is still little chubby,
uh, but I will
working on it.
But, I do want
to say that I feel,
looking back,
a little foolish
for thinking that her
weight gain was due
to Callie's witchcraft.
I just want to say
I'm sorry to you
and that was very American
of me to blame you for that.
That's what we do.
Well, thank you
because that really hurt.
Fat babies are disgusting.
Ugh! So gross.
And while I work
in the dark arts,
I would never work
in arts that dark.
It's too dark.
But, the good news is Lola,
Vance, and I are all very
happy together again,
and I am healthy again
after my brief meth
addiction. So...
I'm sorry, did you
say that you were
addicted to meth?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know in the last
episode of the season
I took a couple of
First Lady's
methamphetamine pills.
And, I have to say,
um, I really like them.
It's such
a great product.
Well it's actually,
it's an addictive drug.
No. It is not.
It's a supplement,
Matty.
That's what it is.
And it was one of our top
sellers until the
FDA shut us down.
They have no right.
No.
Ivanka, what made
you decide to go clean?
Well, you know I think
First Lady said it.
Um, she had to stop
making the pills,
and there's just, you know,
there's nowhere else
that you can find meth.
Actually, that's not true.
Now, moving on to Callie...
Wait, wait a minute.
You know where
I can find meth?
Seriously. Matty,
you just tell me,
I will suck your
(BLEEP) so hard,
just give me one bit.
ALL: Ugh!
Okay, Callie, uh...
Viewer Mason Green writes,
"Callie, you may
think you're witch,
"but I think what you really
are starts with a B."
Blue.
Bartenders.
Boy.
Butter.
Business.
I think what he's saying
is that you are a bitch.
But he said it in
a very clever way.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Oh, the B was for bitch!
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Stop! I'm gonna have
to take a break.
JENFER: Oh, my gosh!
I appreciate that
kind of cleverness.
CALLIE: But listen.
Ivanka and I are family,
and family fight.
Well, let's see some
of the footage
from those family fights.
That's enough.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(URINATING)
(SCREAMING)
(SPITTING)
(CHUCKLES) See,
family is complicated.
Yes. You know,
Callie and I, we just want
to have a fresh start.
I want to find all new
ways of hating her.
Me too.
Right.
You know, Matty,
on our time off,
we've have been having these
amazing heart to hearts
where we have spilled all of
our secrets to each other.
And now I know
something about Callie
that she really wouldn't
want anyone here to know.
You wouldn't dare!
No. I am just
saying that
I could tell this pretty
amazing secret,
but I wouldn't do that.
We are all good,
I promise.
We're all good.
Callie, do you want to
tell us your secret?
I don't.
Okay.
Leona, tell me how everything
is going at Venus' Mound?
Oh, thank you.
It is doing great, um,
business is booming,
and we are franchising
now because it
turns out people love tits
in lots of different cities.
Well, it makes sense.
Also, there's a rumor going
around that I dated Ace
for a little while.
WOMAN: What?
Hold up!
What?
JENFER: Now, hold up.
Excuse me.
Did you date Ace?
Matty, this is not
the time or the place,
not at a reunion episode
of a reality television show.
It's literally the exact
time and place that
you should do this.
Not here and not now!
Well, where and when?
I am contractually
obligated to fight about
stuff on this show.
I did not bring it up.
And speaking of
a relationship that did
get a lot of attention...
Let's turn our attention
to Denise and Phe Phe
in something that
we call Chair-Nobyl.
Ah!
You know you have to
pay me every time you
say that, right?
I just got
so rich right now.
She patented it.
I'm just gonna go
back to my seat.
Why was Phe Phe
sitting in my chair?
That bitch does not
deserve a chair.
You did not just sit
in Phe Phe's chair.
I deserve this chair!
(ALL ARGUING)
I am not crazy!
I am not crazy!
I was going through some
tough stuff this season
and it was not good.
Yes, you were and
our audience picked up on it
by writing in and telling us
that you looked
deeply disturbed.
You were hard to watch.
And some even called
you (BLEEP) crazy. Wow!
They're not wrong.
After my divorce,
I was in a bad place.
I was off my meds
and, uh,
I think it manifested
itself in Chair-Nobyl.
Cha-ching!
But, I got some great help
from some doctors at a
wonderful insane asylum.
They taught me how to work
through my insecurities
and that I could be the one
to give myself hugs.
(GIGGLES)
Oh, wow, that's nice
and sad.
WOMAN: Aww.
Aww. Yeah.
That's not the same as like a
hug from someone else, right?
(MOANING)
Okay!
Oh!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
LEONA:
Okay! Okay! Stop it!
(GIGGLING)
Look, it's my hug bucket,
it's so full right now.
Look, I am not
a psychologist
until I finish my exams,
but I don't think
this was about the chair.
I think this was about
a feeling of security
and that's what we
were fighting over.
What do you think
about that, Denise?
No, I just really like chairs.
All right.
And I like hot husbands.
And after the break,
we'll get a chance to
sit down with them
and talk about what
it's like to live and love
in the city of sin.
Also, we'll get to
Jenfer's paternity test.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
If you think that you know
who the father is,
why don't you
tweet at us, right now?
We'll be right back.
I don't even know
who it was.
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
I open up my legs...
I just let them do
whatever they want.
Welcome back to
The Hotwives of Las Vegas
Reunion Special.
And the results are in here.
(GASPS)
And they'll be read
later in the episode.
Joining us now are
the Hotmen of Las Vegas.
Welcome, gentlemen!
Hi!
Hi, Matty!
Kelly, I am so glad
you can join us.
I know that you've
recently had some tragedy.
Well, Matty, what happened was
I had to get plastic surgery
on the inside of my throat
tried to get it younger
so I can do more
hip impressions.
Unfortunately, it trapped me
in this Mickey Mouse voice
'cause of a mistake
in the surgery.
I'm so sorry to hear
that, Kelly.
Now, I was under the
impression, no pun intended...
(GIGGLING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
That you and Denise
were no longer dating
because you are
actually married.
Well, what's happened now
that I am Mickey Mouse
all the time, Kelly really
doesn't exist,
so I don't have to deal
with that old wife anymore
and I'm freed up
to be with Denise.
(LAUGHING)
Oh! That laugh
really gets you.
Denise, how does
that make you feel?
(GIGGLES)
I have always had quite
a sexual attraction
to Mickey Mouse
as well as many
Disney characters.
It's just been a real
boon to our sex life.
We really had
a lot of fun with this.
Okay!
Moving on...
Welcome, Junior.
How's it going?
Well, look at you.
You look very grown up
in your suit...
Oh! Thank you.
My mom helped me
pick out the suit.
Now, that actually brings
me to a question.
You are starting
a new business?
I've become an entrepreneur
to launch my new business,
just like my mother.
Except, I am in the tech
space and I'm doing great.
Now, tell us a little bit
about your company.
JUNIOR: Oh, yeah! Sure.
So, how do I do this
in layman's terms?
It's a peer to peer interface
that helps facilitate
an ever-expanding
male user base
to share in a social setting,
pictures of your
ex-girlfriend's titties.
You're talking about
revenge porn.
No! It's...
You know what, I really
liked the way that
Junior put it a lot more.
Okay, from one disturbing
family to another.
Welcome, Vance.
Hi, Matty.
You're looking great,
by the way.
Thank you, you're looking
great, a real handsome man.
Oh, come on, Matty,
you're the handsome one,
you're the most attractive
man in show business.
Stop it!
You're the best looking
guy in show business.
No, you are.
Stop it!
You stop.
Seriously, someone
needs to stop.
Okay, someone stop.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Now, Vance,
you stood by this season
as your wife and your sister
fought over you.
Now that you have
seen all the footage,
can you tell which
one you love more?
No, I can't, Matty.
Callie is my sister,
she's my flesh and blood.
It's a bond that Ivanka
and I will never have.
I love you so much,
Brother Boo.
I love you so much,
Sister Boo.
I love you so powerful.
I love you so much.
But, Ivanka and
I are married.
And that marriage certificate
is something that Callie
and I will never have.
You'll never have it because
paper's thicker than blood.
FIRST LADY:
And they're siblings...
So, it's illegal, actually.
So you'll never have that.
And disgusting.
But, can I just
take this moment
to just remind
everybody that
I know something very
explosive about Callie
that I am keeping
to myself
because I don't feel
like I should share it
with everybody?
And I'm just
saying if I told you,
you would freak out.
You wouldn't dare!
Don't make me.
And, Vance,
just like that,
you managed to stay out
of the drama between
your wife and your sister.
How do you do it?
I don't know, Matty.
I guess you can say that
I live in a bubble.
Ah!
What's happening?
What's happening?
Those are bubbles.
Oh!
(CHUCKLES) You are
a gorgeous genius,
that is undeniable.
Now, let's move on to
something that is deniable.
Phe Phe and Adonis.
And, I stand by
that segue.
It's a good one.
Now, Adonis,
last season left off an
incredibly low note for you.
You'd seemingly run off
with all of Phe Phe's money
and worldly possessions.
What happened?
Well, Matty, it's been
a weird couple of months.
Well, take us through it.
After Phe Phe kicked you out,
did you take all of her money
and worldly possessions?
Oh, yeah!
Most definitely.
Most definitely.
But I always knew I was
coming back to Phe Phe
as long as she would let me
back into her heart
and bank account.
And Phe Phe, did you
let Adonis back in?
Yes, I did.
A love story for the ages.
Adonis, once you were back,
you were accused of stealing
over a million dollars from
Phe Phe's estate.
Ooh! (GIGGLES)
Oh, baby!
We had a trial
and everything.
I was the judge.
We did it on my
courtroom show.
Ya Guilty... Bitch.
We actually have a clip.
Let's take a look.
PHE PHE: Ooh!
The defendant is
not guilty, bitch.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Now, we spend.
We spend...
We spend.
(EXCLAIMING)
We spend.
I'm back on, free!
We were so relieved when
I found him not guilty.
Mmm.
I am so glad that your
story has a happy ending.
Now, moving on, First Lady...
You and Ace
are no longer together.
That is correct.
I have not heard from him
since we stopped
filming last season.
Well, as you all know,
Ace was a busy little
beaver last season,
working his way
through Jenfer,
First Lady and even Leona.
I had heard that.
Ace is a guy who falls quickly
in love and out of love,
depending on where
the cameras were.
Let's take a look
at him in action.
God, I love you.
I can't imagine being
with anyone else.
I love you.
Yeah?
I mean, I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
I love you
and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
I love you and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
Ace!
What?
So, what's Ace up to now
and how can an attention
whore like himself
pass up an opportunity
to be here on television?
We'll find out all about
that after the break.
And also the results
of Jenfer's paternity test,
coming right up.
And, we're back
and so is the envelope.
Oh! He is still
putting it away.
Now, when we last left
we wondered where Ace was.
Turns out, he got that
spin-off show that he
wanted all season long.
It's called
Ace In The Hole.
Let's take a look.
It's day 29 in this
abandoned mine-shaft
and, uh, I probably
look a mess.
Uh, last night,
I found some food
and that was awesome.
(COUGHING)
(SHRIEKING)
Now, First Lady is there
anything you want
to say to Ace?
You know, I feel like Ace
finally got what he deserves.
Jenfer?
Well, Matty,
I guess I would say,
"Ace, you hurt me real
badly when you left me
before we had our baby
"which is now
First Lady's baby,
but I've moved on, baby.
"And, I forgive you."
That's what I would say
if I saw Ace,
which I won't 'cause
he's going to die
in that mine-shaft.
MATTY: Now,
speaking of the shaft,
let's talk to our last
hot husband, Tim.
Hi, Matty.
IVANKA: Who is that?
That's my husband, Tim.
IVANKA: You have a husband?
CALLIE: Yes, Tim.
Were you here
the whole time?
Mmm-hmm.
Now, you may
not know Tim
because he was edited out
of the show for time
and for being boring,
so, Tim, can you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
Okay, Tim McAllister, I am
Callie's husband, of course.
We got separated
before the show.
Uh, got back together during,
trying to make things
work out.
Marriage, it's a real chore.
You know, you got to put
your shoulder into it
and really do the work.
And I was actually
at most of those parties...
I was at the
hotel party and also
the book release
party as well.
Uh, I remember I had
a good piece of cheese
at one of those parties.
Might have been a Euro,
no, no, no, that was,
it was butter.
Sorry, I thought
it was cheese.
But, I guess that never made
it onscreen actually,
I'm realizing now.
(ALL MUMBLE)
We're really sorry about that.
But, actually,
after hearing from
you today, not so much.
You know, honestly,
I sometimes,
just forget he's even there,
which is why it was easy for
us to get back together.
That makes sense.
Very underwhelming!
Now, speaking of
weird relationships,
Tim, how did you feel when
you saw Callie with
her brother, Vance?
Uh, well, not great,
actually.
And, I'm sorry
to raise my voice there,
but, it was, uh...
When he moved into Callie's
house and also into her bed,
uh, I was in that
bed and it was,
uh, it was pretty crowded.
It was and it was selfish
that you would take
that time away from us.
That's a fair
criticism. Yeah.
Well, let's take a look
back at some of your
most exciting moments.
God is above
and Hades below.
Come forth and suckle
on my supple teat.
We both love my brother more
than anything in the world.
Yes, see, I actually
said something there.
I know 'cause I put it
in my word journal.
I think I said, "Excuse me!"
or something like that,
but you couldn't
put that on?
Again, it was just too
boring not to edit out.
You know, and I can't
even guarantee that
you'll actually
be in this show
because you're seriously
not bringing the heat.
I'd hate to put you in this
position where you'd feel like
you'd have to
promise anything.
Well, you'll be feeling
the heat of anticipation
when we come
back from break
and reveal the results
of Jenfer's paternity test.
That's right, we'll reveal
her new baby daddy.
Oh, no!
You know who I was
thinking it could be?
Do you remember the
cater-waiter who
was at the, uh...
I just wish
I wasn't so drunk.
Hello again and
goodbye to this.
ALL: No!
Now, the Hotwives
of Las Vegas
are known for
a lot of things,
but this year
they were defined by
their amazing parties.
(ALL SCREAMING)
MATTY: Everything from their
under the sea drought gala
to their wet and
wild book party.
These ladies really
knew how to let
their hair down.
(LAUGHING)
Whoo-hoo.
That being said,
Shawndra from
Tennessee writes,
"Denise, why can't you
throw a good party
to save your goddamn life?"
Oh, my God!
FIRST LADY: Such
a good question.
Good question.
Well, I don't agree
with that person
because I think my casino
party was a lot of fun.
I mean, where else
in Vegas can you play slot
machines and roulette?
ALL: Everywhere!
CALLIE: The grocery store!
Anywhere!
A dollar store!
Every single place!
The airport.
Bathrooms.
I'm hearing all of this,
but I still say
that you did not
give my casino
party a fair chance.
Okay, I'm sorry,
we came to your party.
That was us giving
you a chance.
And, it was whack,
but that's okay for you.
Yes, because,
your thing is
being a hot mess
like my thing
is being a politician,
an entrepreneur.
No! No, no, no! Wait!
That's not true.
Because being an
entrepreneur is my thing.
Your thing is being,
like, scary skinny.
Again...
And, my thing is
I'm so damn (BLEEP)
Let me finish,
you do not let me finish!
You let me start,
so I can finish.
I am sorry, I was talking
before Denise, Leona,
so, maybe, you might like
to let me finish
before you start and finish.
I just want to start
before you guys finish
and just remind you
that I know
something about Callie
that she would not
want you to know
for a million years.
You better
not finish that!
I'm not going to!
But I could.
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I don't think I'm totally
as over my addiction
as I thought,
I can't yell for as long
as everybody can anymore.
Oh, no!
WOMAN: Oh! Honey...
No! No! She's faking.
Pay attention to me, y'all.
I'm the sick one, y'all,
I have a condition.
Y'all, the only thing
fake about me is...
My fingertip.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Think about me.
Look for my fingertip.
Everybody, look
for my fingertip.
You threw it in my face.
Look for it,
you bitches.
Why did you
throw it at me?
Where did it go?
I found it! I found it!
Actually, no,
that's a cashew.
Oh!
Oh, damn! I think I
just ate the fingertip.
I thought it
was the cashew.
I bring them because I have
low blood sugar and I just
gulped it right down.
PHE PHE: Oh, my.
The only thing worse
than throwing shade
is throwing your finger.
That (BLEEP) is nasty!
And, you know what,
we never even got to finish
arguing about letting
each other finish.
Right. And, y'all
didn't even let me finish
throwing my fingertip
before Leona had to go
and eat it like a pig.
Hey! Don't you
throw shade at me?
Not when my son is
still in the building!
(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
Now, while they
figure that out,
it's time to reveal the result
of our paternity test.
Who is the father
of Jenfer's baby?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
And the father is...Tim.
Who?
PHE PHE: Who is that?
LEONA: Oh!
Hey!
I might have just had
the best glass of water
of my whole life just now.
Is that Tim?
Who is Tim?
You know me.
I have the sock blog.
Don't engage.
MATTY: And now, a toast.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
To Las Vegas!
ALL: To Las Vegas!