The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Labor of Love - full transcript
DENISE: Previously on
The Hotwives of Las Vegas...
Life without Adonis
has been hard,
but I had to kick him out.
My embryo jumped out
of me, went into her.
I would (BLEEP) Vance.
You will never
have my husband.
I am writing my book
The Loneliest Fingertip.
Well, it's just
words on a page.
Doesn't even really matter
the order of the words.
What do you mean
you're in love
with my husband?
Oh, yeah, I have
a kid and a wife.
Did I not mention
that to Denise?
(IMITATING SCOOBY DOO)
Ruh-roh.
PHE PHE:
Are y'all having sex in here?
JENFER: Oh, no!
I'm going into labor.
My baby!
JENFER: What happens in Vegas
can usually be cured
by antibiotics.
FIRST LADY: Money is money,
but class is something
much classier.
IVANKA: Just because
I'm beautiful and rich,
doesn't mean I can't
say that a lot.
PHE PHE: I am a phenomenon,
literally. That's my name.
LEONA: I went to a salon
and said, "Give me the Reba."
DENISE: I say I'm sorry
a hundred times a day.
CALLIE: I am Satan's minion.
I am also great
at Word and Excel.
(SIGHS)
There, there, baby.
When Leona called me
from New York City
Casino
to tell me that Ace and
First Lady were hooking up,
I was shocked.
And the news sent me
into early labor.
Early labor that just
turned out to be gas.
But I find breast-feeding
this doll comforting.
But I would never
breast-feed a real baby.
Makes your tits all saggy.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh! Coming.
(GROANS)
Leona's here, honey.
You come to Mama.
Oh, God!
(SOBBING)
Oh!
First she tries
to take my baby,
then she takes my man.
Oh!
God! I'm a wreck.
I know, I can tell,
your place is a mess.
I'm glad it was me
who told Jenfer about
Ace and First Lady,
even though it was so hard,
although it was probably
harder for me than for her.
You know?
I mean no one ever
thinks about the
bearer of the bad news.
What about us?
Have you spoken
to Ace?
People will want to know
and I'd like to be able
to tell them.
Oh, I've spoken to
him, all right.
Ace came home
begging for forgiveness
but I sent that son
of a bitch packing.
Get the hell out of my house!
Please, not like this.
I just wanted to
change my outfit.
Those jeans made
me look pudgy.
I mean he had a point
and I felt that I owed
him that much.
You get out of my house!
Fine! I don't even care!
Me and my extremely slimming
suit are out of here!
You're gonna regret this.
Damn it!
(SOBBING)
I have to stay strong.
Yes! Yes, honey.
Or, you could
just fall apart
and give the people
what they want.
No, I have to focus
on what's important.
(SNIFFLES)
Your baby.
My book.
Oh!
It's debuting.
I'm really excited
because I'm doing a reading
of my children's book,
The Loneliest Fingertip,
today at the Las Vegas
Book Convention/Beach Party.
It's the biggest
party of the year!
It takes place poolside,
because no one in
Vegas enjoys reading,
but everyone enjoys
getting wasted by a pool
and pretending to read.
Ah! Babe, I am so proud
of you for speaking out
for handicapped, misshapen
people like yourself.
You know?
I'm going to be there
today, cheering you on.
Bless your heart.
You're a real friend.
I am.
I'm going to support Jenfer,
but also, and mostly,
to promote my new book,
Mom For Life.
It's funny stories about
being an empty nester.
I just, I hope my book doesn't
upstage Jenfer's retard book
because that would be
really hard for her.
But, probably harder for me
to have to see her so upset.
(GRUMBLING)
Hey, Adonis! Phe Phe here.
Could you give me a call
back when you get this?
So, I just got home
from New York City
Hotel and Casino
and my entire house
has been cleaned out.
Now, the security camera
footage shows a man
who looks a lot like
Adonis stealing my stuff.
But I don't believe it unless
I see it with my own eyes.
That camera is not my eyes.
It's a camera!
But, whatever it is, I've got
to get over it right now.
I have got to focus on
my big book release party!
Fifty Shades of Phe:
How To Throw Shade Like A Pro.
Mmm-hmm! I had some gay
guys write it for me.
It's probably really good.
It's me.
Sis-boom-bah!
Actually, it's just my
head on, uh, someone else.
My neck looks real little.
♪ We gonna get turned up
A notch, turned up ♪
(COUGHS)
Magnita, I need
more spit-up rags.
(WHEEZES)
Oh, thank you.
There's something
wrong with me.
My doctor says I
have something that's
going around called,
"The common cold"?
But, there's nothing
common about me, so...
It has to be Callie's
witchcraft, again.
I mean, after that
horrible New York trip,
where I tried to kill her
with kindness, literally...
(SCREAMING)
No! No! No!
Die!
I could see her being pissed.
(COUGHING)
(SPITTING)
Wash that, please,
I am contagious.
But no matter what,
the most important thing
is that I still
look beautiful.
(COUGHS)
I think I might want to wear
the blue bikini tonight.
Hold it up for me.
(CHUCKLES) So funny.
Even sick, I look better
in it than you do.
Ah, 'cause you
look terrible.
Ah, we have fun together,
don't we, Magnita?
I have to muster
all my energy
for the Book
Convention/Beach Party.
I wrote a book,
Can't Pop It:
My American Dream.
It's a guide to how you
too can be a vaguely
European ex-model
and marry a famous
bubble artist.
(SIGHS)
But, I don't feel
strong enough to go.
Luckily, First Lady gave me
some of her MethAmphetaMine
pills to give me a boost.
Ooh, they're pink.
Mmm, yum!
Maybe I'll take a few.
Honey, I'm home.
The Dark Lord
is smiling upon me.
I told Vance that it
wasn't safe for him
to stay in the same house
with Ivanka while she's sick.
Also, she tried
to strangle me,
so who knows what
she's capable of?
So, he moved in with me
and is sleeping in my bed.
I mean, until I find another
bed, which is impossible.
You started it!
You started it!
Oh, no, no, no!
I mean, who knows
where they sell beds?
What are there, bed stores?
Uh-oh, uh-oh!
(BOTH GIGGLING)
It's sad that
Ivanka is so sick,
but my witchcraft had
nothing to do with that.
Though, my witchcraft may
have had something to do with
ruining her favorite purse.
(URINATING)
I mean, witchcraft
is not an exact science.
Anyway, I'm really excited
about my book release party
of my young adult novel.
It's called...
Howl At My Brother.
And, it's about a brother
and sister werewolf
who finally get to
run away together
after they flay alive
a stuck-up princess.
(SIGHS)
It's already been optioned
by Summon Entertainment.
And I'm just really excited
to show those other women
how much you can accomplish
with the power of witchcraft
and having no day job.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Hi! Come on in.
(CHUCKLES)
Be careful.
It's fragile, okay?
Things have been going
really well since I got back
from my big performance
in New York City
Hotel and Casino.
(CRYING) Not my chair!
(LAUGHING) Ooh!
Isn't she beautiful?
Aren't they all beautiful?
(CHUCKLES)
I now have a chair room.
It's just a room devoted
to chairs for me to sit in
and no one else to take.
It's really empowering for me
to always feel
like I have a chair
and never feel like
I don't have a chair,
because chairlessness
is a terrible feeling.
In other great news,
Kelly moved in with me
along with his wife and
child that he forgot to
tell me about
til we were on
vacation together.
(LAUGHS) Yay!
They needed a place to stay
and I thought it might be
nice to have the company.
Can you move over?
Mom, how long do we
have to live with
these weird ladies?
(GRUMBLES)
You happy?
(GIGGLES) Me too.
Guys, if I can't
hear the voices,
I can't learn
the impressions.
Shh! Shh.
Yeah, I'm still hoping to
work things out with Denise,
I'm just really bummed
my kid and wife are back
in the picture.
(IMITATING)
Take my wife, please.
By take I mean
I wish she would die.
(IMITATING) It is a tumor.
Kindergarten Cop.
With everything
that's going on,
I'm just really
looking forward to my
book release party
for my new book,
Do I Deserve Love?
The Answer Is No.
I'm just hoping that all
the attention and love
I'll get from the book
and all the hugs I'll
get from strangers
will fill up my hug-bucket.
'Cause I think Kelly's
(BLEEP) kid has been
stealing from it.
(COINS RATTLING)
(IMITATING)
Oh! Very nice! Borat!
FIRST LADY: I can't believe
Ace is back in my life.
You know what they say.
What happens in New York City
Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas,
stays in New York City
Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas.
JENFER: Ace, how dare you?
And if Jenfer is going to hold
a little affair against Ace,
then she doesn't deserve him.
A politician's wife is used
to that sort of thing.
All Jenfer cared about
was that new life
she was carrying
around inside of her.
So, I decided
that I was gonna go
someplace where I was
gonna be appreciated
and followed by cameras again.
29.
(EXHALES)
30.
I love you.
And I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
(GIGGLES)
Oh! You know what?
I'm going to use that at the
book beach party, it'll kill.
(SNIFFLES)
(GRUNTS)
Um, I don't know...
32?
That, that sounds good.
Okay.
I am so excited for the
book beach party event.
I heard from Leona that
Jenfer's gonna be there
and I'm gonna make her
take a maternity test.
As soon as I find out if that
is actually a real thing.
But today isn't just
about motherhood.
It's also about famous-hood.
I'll be reading from my
new book Osteoporo-Yes.
It's about how to shed
pounds through the loss
of bone density.
It's so heavy, I can't!
(EXHALES)
I'm just going to use your
belly button as inspiration.
Okay.
MAN ON TV: Bazinga!
Do it, do that one.
Do that one.
I don't do anything
for free.
Go, get money!
Go, get money!
Not from my hug bucket.
DJ: Welcome to the
9th Annual Mondo Book Party
and Convention, y'all!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
(ALL CHEERING)
Books, books, books, y'all!
(AIRHORN BLASTS)
Let's get our reading on!
When I say, books,
don't say nothing!
When I say, books,
don't say a word.
Books!
(SILENCE)
Books!
(SILENCE)
Good thing I can't hear you.
(AIRHORN BLASTS)
(MUSIC RESTARTS)
DENISE: My chair and I were
ready to have a lot of fun.
Hi! I'm so happy
you're here.
Welcome to my book
event, baby girl.
No, wait, I thought
you were here for my
book release.
No, no, no, I'm hosting you,
this is my book event.
I didn't understand.
I thought today
was about my book.
I sent out invitations
and no one's RSVP'd,
but this is my
book release.
Hi! How'd you guys know
about my book signing?
No! It's not about you,
they're here for
my book event.
I sent out an
invitation in my dream.
Hey! What are
you doing here?
Seriously! What are
you doing here?
I forgot to bring
an umbrella.
Ah! Tastes like pasta!
It turns out First Lady's
MethAmphetaMine pills
gave me a lot of energy
because they're
straight up meth.
Okay, you know what?
This is my damn event!
No.
I'm sorry. You all
RSVP'd in my dream.
(ALL ARGUING)
This is not about you!
This is not about you!
LEONA: Girls, girls!
Settle down!
Now, listen.
Each of you told me you had a
book to premiere here today.
But, I thought it
would be so fun
for you to discover
that for yourselves.
Aren't we having fun?
No!
I'm going to go
climb that butterfly.
Ivanka was acting crazy.
But, you know what?
I liked it.
And she climbed the (BLEEP)
outta that butterfly.
Pfft!
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God!
Hello, Jenfer.
Don't you dare talk to me,
you piece of trash.
You know what? I'd like
to make up, okay?
I would like to extend
an olive branch.
Mmm-hmm.
But I just need a
quick blood sample.
Get your hands off me!
Not in front of my baby to be.
That's my baby to be
and I'll put my hands
wherever I want.
Okay.
Yeah, I will.
You stop trying
to take my baby.
(ARGUING)
LEONA: Ladies,
please! Please stop!
The Vegas Mondo Pool
Beach Party/Book Convention
is not the time or
the place for fighting.
(WOMEN ARGUING)
(ARGUING)
My bad! It is the time
and the place. Go ahead.
(SHOUTING)
Go lower! You have the
strength and the center
of gravity...
DJ: Now, next coming
to the stage.
Please put your hands together
for the former First Lady
of the Vegas strip.
She's got a new diet
book that she says,
either will work for you
or you'll die trying,
give it up for her!
(ALL CHEERING)
It's me! (LAUGHS)
I wanted to finish my
fight with Jenfer.
But I had to give my
people what they wanted.
Which is me, reading.
Hell, no! That slut does
not get to read before me.
Not after she stole my man,
after I stole him from her.
Excuse me!
Out of my way!
(ALL TALKING)
PHE PHE: She's
going, I'm going.
Stop!
No!
(ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING)
DENISE: Hey, my chair!
(EXCLAIMS) What...
I can fly!
Why didn't anyone tell me
we were storming the stage?
Why am I always left out?
Ladies! Ladies!
Let's all calm down.
And let me go first.
That's the best
thing to do.
ALL: No! No!
JENFER: "The loneliest
fingertip on the planet..."
"People say you don't
deserve love and
I say to them..."
IVANKA: "My eyes feel
like they're on fire..."
(ALL READING)
It turns out my gays
did not write my book.
But if there's one
thing Phe Phe knows,
it's how to wing it.
Word!
Words about me.
Words about other people.
(ALL READING)
But guess what
happened, people?
Weight loss...
(ALL CONTINUE READING)
CALLIE: "'Rip her throat
out, sister,' he said,
"and she said
happily, 'Yes.'"
When I saw the
hotwives up there,
I started to think
to myself...
No! Stay here,
stay right there.
I thought to myself,
"What's Ace up to?"
Oh, my God!
(BLEEP)
Something's happening.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, no!
What?
I'm having my baby,
you bitches!
FIRST LADY:
Oh, my gosh!
I'm having my baby,
you bitches!
DENISE: Does that mean
we have to stop reading?
It was just all
happening so fast,
I couldn't believe I was
about to be a mother.
Going into labor at the
Vegas Mondo Pool was scary.
But then, I realized this
is the perfect place for my
precious baby to be born,
not some disgusting
hospital that doesn't
even have a pool.
Oh, goddamn!
(RHYTHMIC BREATHING)
Breathe! Breathe!
Oh, goddamn!
Get it out!
Get it out!
Get it out!
(BLEEP)
(BLEEP)
LEONA: Shh! We're
bothering people.
You know what?
Stop! Stop! Stop!
IVANKA: What?
This is not right.
LEONA: What happened?
Hold up! Hold up!
No! Stay here.
Stay here. Don't push.
LEONA: Hold the baby.
I could not let Jenfer
have her baby like that.
No one was even
having any fun.
What is up?
DJ!
Imma need a faster beat, kid.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
What is the point of having
your baby in public
if nobody's even grindin'
up on each other?
Okay! Everybody say...
MAN: Heads up!
Oh!
That's not right.
Get outta here!
(LAUGHS)
Everybody say words of
encouragement to Jenfer.
Okay, okay! Hey, listen!
Don't you listen to
what everybody else at
this party is saying.
You are going to be just fine.
This is the end
of your life.
What?
You are doing
great, darling.
Now, let my baby out
of your womb-cage.
I hope that baby
is a person.
(DENISE GIGGLES)
You know what?
Y'all are the best friends
I've ever had in my life.
And this is exactly how
I imagined this moment.
Let's get this mother out!
(ALL CHEERING)
And when we do,
save the placenta,
I'll bake it in a pie.
Ugh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Look, look, look,
look, look!
Yes, girl!
Push it! Push it out!
Phe Phe's gonna catch it.
I'm a wine maker.
I think I know how
to catch a baby.
Let's do this!
Push!
(ALL SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT)
(GROANING)
(VOICE DISTORTED) Oh...
(AIR WHOOSHING)
Turns out, making wine
is not at all the same
as catching a baby.
(BABY CRYING)
(VOICE DISTORTED) My chair!
Get out of my chair,
you tiny bitch!
I will kill you!
I will kill you!
Get away from the baby.
I will kill you!
I will get to you!
I wish that was the
first time I had broken
up a fight with a baby.
But as the saying goes,
this is Vegas!
Time to get in a baby fight.
Oh, this baby won't
latch onto my titty.
And he is just way uglier
than my other two.
Here, you can have him.
Oh. He kind of
looks like me.
And he weighs about
the same too.
LEONA: A toast!
There is nothing more
beautiful than a birth,
and of course,
I'm talking about my book.
To our books!
ALL: To my book!
CALLIE: To me.
Junior, get over here!
You need your floaties.
Come on, Mom.
No! I won't take
no for an answer.
I'm going to
the deep end.
Hey!
To being alive! (LAUGHS)
(GLASS CRACKING)
And to me and Vance, getting
the show back together.
I'm really looking forward
to branching out.
Mmm.
Mmm.
DENISE: (SCREAMING) Chair!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SCREAMING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
Damn!
Y'all know I don't speak
ill of my friends,
but that bitch is
crazier than a cat
with tar on its paws
running through
a grease fire.
(LAUGHING)
I am who I am
and I am Phe Phe.
Well, Imma go rinse off
my nethers in the Jacuz'
and try to find a
(BLEEP) to grind up on.
Giving birth makes
me horny as hell.
Ace, you wanna come
see our baby?
Ace!
What?
I wonder where this
storyline's going.
A new life begins as a
haunting season in Vegas ends.
Shalom, y'all!
I'm Matty Green,
joining you live from the
Hotwives Cooldown treehouse.
Now, even though we don't
have our favorite hotwives
with us today,
you have to wait till the
reunion to see them,
we do have their favorite
party planner, Antoine Donner.
Here to preview his brand-new
show and cheek implants.
Take a look.
I want this place
to look like the ocean.
Get me a big slab
of the Great Barrier
Reef, and hurry.
I can't, it's protected.
Why do you bother calling
yourself my assistant
when you refuse to assist me?
I should call you my
nightmare, because
that's what you are.
Now, please, get me a generic
diet cola, my nightmare.
Oh, Yung Lee!
You're just my maid,
but you keep me sane.
(ACCENTED ENGLISH)
I'm sure you've
just said something
beautiful and lovely
but, I can't understand
your little language.
Don't pick it up.
Let it stain.
The Hotwives of Las Vegas...
Life without Adonis
has been hard,
but I had to kick him out.
My embryo jumped out
of me, went into her.
I would (BLEEP) Vance.
You will never
have my husband.
I am writing my book
The Loneliest Fingertip.
Well, it's just
words on a page.
Doesn't even really matter
the order of the words.
What do you mean
you're in love
with my husband?
Oh, yeah, I have
a kid and a wife.
Did I not mention
that to Denise?
(IMITATING SCOOBY DOO)
Ruh-roh.
PHE PHE:
Are y'all having sex in here?
JENFER: Oh, no!
I'm going into labor.
My baby!
JENFER: What happens in Vegas
can usually be cured
by antibiotics.
FIRST LADY: Money is money,
but class is something
much classier.
IVANKA: Just because
I'm beautiful and rich,
doesn't mean I can't
say that a lot.
PHE PHE: I am a phenomenon,
literally. That's my name.
LEONA: I went to a salon
and said, "Give me the Reba."
DENISE: I say I'm sorry
a hundred times a day.
CALLIE: I am Satan's minion.
I am also great
at Word and Excel.
(SIGHS)
There, there, baby.
When Leona called me
from New York City
Casino
to tell me that Ace and
First Lady were hooking up,
I was shocked.
And the news sent me
into early labor.
Early labor that just
turned out to be gas.
But I find breast-feeding
this doll comforting.
But I would never
breast-feed a real baby.
Makes your tits all saggy.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh! Coming.
(GROANS)
Leona's here, honey.
You come to Mama.
Oh, God!
(SOBBING)
Oh!
First she tries
to take my baby,
then she takes my man.
Oh!
God! I'm a wreck.
I know, I can tell,
your place is a mess.
I'm glad it was me
who told Jenfer about
Ace and First Lady,
even though it was so hard,
although it was probably
harder for me than for her.
You know?
I mean no one ever
thinks about the
bearer of the bad news.
What about us?
Have you spoken
to Ace?
People will want to know
and I'd like to be able
to tell them.
Oh, I've spoken to
him, all right.
Ace came home
begging for forgiveness
but I sent that son
of a bitch packing.
Get the hell out of my house!
Please, not like this.
I just wanted to
change my outfit.
Those jeans made
me look pudgy.
I mean he had a point
and I felt that I owed
him that much.
You get out of my house!
Fine! I don't even care!
Me and my extremely slimming
suit are out of here!
You're gonna regret this.
Damn it!
(SOBBING)
I have to stay strong.
Yes! Yes, honey.
Or, you could
just fall apart
and give the people
what they want.
No, I have to focus
on what's important.
(SNIFFLES)
Your baby.
My book.
Oh!
It's debuting.
I'm really excited
because I'm doing a reading
of my children's book,
The Loneliest Fingertip,
today at the Las Vegas
Book Convention/Beach Party.
It's the biggest
party of the year!
It takes place poolside,
because no one in
Vegas enjoys reading,
but everyone enjoys
getting wasted by a pool
and pretending to read.
Ah! Babe, I am so proud
of you for speaking out
for handicapped, misshapen
people like yourself.
You know?
I'm going to be there
today, cheering you on.
Bless your heart.
You're a real friend.
I am.
I'm going to support Jenfer,
but also, and mostly,
to promote my new book,
Mom For Life.
It's funny stories about
being an empty nester.
I just, I hope my book doesn't
upstage Jenfer's retard book
because that would be
really hard for her.
But, probably harder for me
to have to see her so upset.
(GRUMBLING)
Hey, Adonis! Phe Phe here.
Could you give me a call
back when you get this?
So, I just got home
from New York City
Hotel and Casino
and my entire house
has been cleaned out.
Now, the security camera
footage shows a man
who looks a lot like
Adonis stealing my stuff.
But I don't believe it unless
I see it with my own eyes.
That camera is not my eyes.
It's a camera!
But, whatever it is, I've got
to get over it right now.
I have got to focus on
my big book release party!
Fifty Shades of Phe:
How To Throw Shade Like A Pro.
Mmm-hmm! I had some gay
guys write it for me.
It's probably really good.
It's me.
Sis-boom-bah!
Actually, it's just my
head on, uh, someone else.
My neck looks real little.
♪ We gonna get turned up
A notch, turned up ♪
(COUGHS)
Magnita, I need
more spit-up rags.
(WHEEZES)
Oh, thank you.
There's something
wrong with me.
My doctor says I
have something that's
going around called,
"The common cold"?
But, there's nothing
common about me, so...
It has to be Callie's
witchcraft, again.
I mean, after that
horrible New York trip,
where I tried to kill her
with kindness, literally...
(SCREAMING)
No! No! No!
Die!
I could see her being pissed.
(COUGHING)
(SPITTING)
Wash that, please,
I am contagious.
But no matter what,
the most important thing
is that I still
look beautiful.
(COUGHS)
I think I might want to wear
the blue bikini tonight.
Hold it up for me.
(CHUCKLES) So funny.
Even sick, I look better
in it than you do.
Ah, 'cause you
look terrible.
Ah, we have fun together,
don't we, Magnita?
I have to muster
all my energy
for the Book
Convention/Beach Party.
I wrote a book,
Can't Pop It:
My American Dream.
It's a guide to how you
too can be a vaguely
European ex-model
and marry a famous
bubble artist.
(SIGHS)
But, I don't feel
strong enough to go.
Luckily, First Lady gave me
some of her MethAmphetaMine
pills to give me a boost.
Ooh, they're pink.
Mmm, yum!
Maybe I'll take a few.
Honey, I'm home.
The Dark Lord
is smiling upon me.
I told Vance that it
wasn't safe for him
to stay in the same house
with Ivanka while she's sick.
Also, she tried
to strangle me,
so who knows what
she's capable of?
So, he moved in with me
and is sleeping in my bed.
I mean, until I find another
bed, which is impossible.
You started it!
You started it!
Oh, no, no, no!
I mean, who knows
where they sell beds?
What are there, bed stores?
Uh-oh, uh-oh!
(BOTH GIGGLING)
It's sad that
Ivanka is so sick,
but my witchcraft had
nothing to do with that.
Though, my witchcraft may
have had something to do with
ruining her favorite purse.
(URINATING)
I mean, witchcraft
is not an exact science.
Anyway, I'm really excited
about my book release party
of my young adult novel.
It's called...
Howl At My Brother.
And, it's about a brother
and sister werewolf
who finally get to
run away together
after they flay alive
a stuck-up princess.
(SIGHS)
It's already been optioned
by Summon Entertainment.
And I'm just really excited
to show those other women
how much you can accomplish
with the power of witchcraft
and having no day job.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Hi! Come on in.
(CHUCKLES)
Be careful.
It's fragile, okay?
Things have been going
really well since I got back
from my big performance
in New York City
Hotel and Casino.
(CRYING) Not my chair!
(LAUGHING) Ooh!
Isn't she beautiful?
Aren't they all beautiful?
(CHUCKLES)
I now have a chair room.
It's just a room devoted
to chairs for me to sit in
and no one else to take.
It's really empowering for me
to always feel
like I have a chair
and never feel like
I don't have a chair,
because chairlessness
is a terrible feeling.
In other great news,
Kelly moved in with me
along with his wife and
child that he forgot to
tell me about
til we were on
vacation together.
(LAUGHS) Yay!
They needed a place to stay
and I thought it might be
nice to have the company.
Can you move over?
Mom, how long do we
have to live with
these weird ladies?
(GRUMBLES)
You happy?
(GIGGLES) Me too.
Guys, if I can't
hear the voices,
I can't learn
the impressions.
Shh! Shh.
Yeah, I'm still hoping to
work things out with Denise,
I'm just really bummed
my kid and wife are back
in the picture.
(IMITATING)
Take my wife, please.
By take I mean
I wish she would die.
(IMITATING) It is a tumor.
Kindergarten Cop.
With everything
that's going on,
I'm just really
looking forward to my
book release party
for my new book,
Do I Deserve Love?
The Answer Is No.
I'm just hoping that all
the attention and love
I'll get from the book
and all the hugs I'll
get from strangers
will fill up my hug-bucket.
'Cause I think Kelly's
(BLEEP) kid has been
stealing from it.
(COINS RATTLING)
(IMITATING)
Oh! Very nice! Borat!
FIRST LADY: I can't believe
Ace is back in my life.
You know what they say.
What happens in New York City
Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas,
stays in New York City
Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas.
JENFER: Ace, how dare you?
And if Jenfer is going to hold
a little affair against Ace,
then she doesn't deserve him.
A politician's wife is used
to that sort of thing.
All Jenfer cared about
was that new life
she was carrying
around inside of her.
So, I decided
that I was gonna go
someplace where I was
gonna be appreciated
and followed by cameras again.
29.
(EXHALES)
30.
I love you.
And I can't imagine
being with anyone else.
(GIGGLES)
Oh! You know what?
I'm going to use that at the
book beach party, it'll kill.
(SNIFFLES)
(GRUNTS)
Um, I don't know...
32?
That, that sounds good.
Okay.
I am so excited for the
book beach party event.
I heard from Leona that
Jenfer's gonna be there
and I'm gonna make her
take a maternity test.
As soon as I find out if that
is actually a real thing.
But today isn't just
about motherhood.
It's also about famous-hood.
I'll be reading from my
new book Osteoporo-Yes.
It's about how to shed
pounds through the loss
of bone density.
It's so heavy, I can't!
(EXHALES)
I'm just going to use your
belly button as inspiration.
Okay.
MAN ON TV: Bazinga!
Do it, do that one.
Do that one.
I don't do anything
for free.
Go, get money!
Go, get money!
Not from my hug bucket.
DJ: Welcome to the
9th Annual Mondo Book Party
and Convention, y'all!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
(ALL CHEERING)
Books, books, books, y'all!
(AIRHORN BLASTS)
Let's get our reading on!
When I say, books,
don't say nothing!
When I say, books,
don't say a word.
Books!
(SILENCE)
Books!
(SILENCE)
Good thing I can't hear you.
(AIRHORN BLASTS)
(MUSIC RESTARTS)
DENISE: My chair and I were
ready to have a lot of fun.
Hi! I'm so happy
you're here.
Welcome to my book
event, baby girl.
No, wait, I thought
you were here for my
book release.
No, no, no, I'm hosting you,
this is my book event.
I didn't understand.
I thought today
was about my book.
I sent out invitations
and no one's RSVP'd,
but this is my
book release.
Hi! How'd you guys know
about my book signing?
No! It's not about you,
they're here for
my book event.
I sent out an
invitation in my dream.
Hey! What are
you doing here?
Seriously! What are
you doing here?
I forgot to bring
an umbrella.
Ah! Tastes like pasta!
It turns out First Lady's
MethAmphetaMine pills
gave me a lot of energy
because they're
straight up meth.
Okay, you know what?
This is my damn event!
No.
I'm sorry. You all
RSVP'd in my dream.
(ALL ARGUING)
This is not about you!
This is not about you!
LEONA: Girls, girls!
Settle down!
Now, listen.
Each of you told me you had a
book to premiere here today.
But, I thought it
would be so fun
for you to discover
that for yourselves.
Aren't we having fun?
No!
I'm going to go
climb that butterfly.
Ivanka was acting crazy.
But, you know what?
I liked it.
And she climbed the (BLEEP)
outta that butterfly.
Pfft!
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God!
Hello, Jenfer.
Don't you dare talk to me,
you piece of trash.
You know what? I'd like
to make up, okay?
I would like to extend
an olive branch.
Mmm-hmm.
But I just need a
quick blood sample.
Get your hands off me!
Not in front of my baby to be.
That's my baby to be
and I'll put my hands
wherever I want.
Okay.
Yeah, I will.
You stop trying
to take my baby.
(ARGUING)
LEONA: Ladies,
please! Please stop!
The Vegas Mondo Pool
Beach Party/Book Convention
is not the time or
the place for fighting.
(WOMEN ARGUING)
(ARGUING)
My bad! It is the time
and the place. Go ahead.
(SHOUTING)
Go lower! You have the
strength and the center
of gravity...
DJ: Now, next coming
to the stage.
Please put your hands together
for the former First Lady
of the Vegas strip.
She's got a new diet
book that she says,
either will work for you
or you'll die trying,
give it up for her!
(ALL CHEERING)
It's me! (LAUGHS)
I wanted to finish my
fight with Jenfer.
But I had to give my
people what they wanted.
Which is me, reading.
Hell, no! That slut does
not get to read before me.
Not after she stole my man,
after I stole him from her.
Excuse me!
Out of my way!
(ALL TALKING)
PHE PHE: She's
going, I'm going.
Stop!
No!
(ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING)
DENISE: Hey, my chair!
(EXCLAIMS) What...
I can fly!
Why didn't anyone tell me
we were storming the stage?
Why am I always left out?
Ladies! Ladies!
Let's all calm down.
And let me go first.
That's the best
thing to do.
ALL: No! No!
JENFER: "The loneliest
fingertip on the planet..."
"People say you don't
deserve love and
I say to them..."
IVANKA: "My eyes feel
like they're on fire..."
(ALL READING)
It turns out my gays
did not write my book.
But if there's one
thing Phe Phe knows,
it's how to wing it.
Word!
Words about me.
Words about other people.
(ALL READING)
But guess what
happened, people?
Weight loss...
(ALL CONTINUE READING)
CALLIE: "'Rip her throat
out, sister,' he said,
"and she said
happily, 'Yes.'"
When I saw the
hotwives up there,
I started to think
to myself...
No! Stay here,
stay right there.
I thought to myself,
"What's Ace up to?"
Oh, my God!
(BLEEP)
Something's happening.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, no!
What?
I'm having my baby,
you bitches!
FIRST LADY:
Oh, my gosh!
I'm having my baby,
you bitches!
DENISE: Does that mean
we have to stop reading?
It was just all
happening so fast,
I couldn't believe I was
about to be a mother.
Going into labor at the
Vegas Mondo Pool was scary.
But then, I realized this
is the perfect place for my
precious baby to be born,
not some disgusting
hospital that doesn't
even have a pool.
Oh, goddamn!
(RHYTHMIC BREATHING)
Breathe! Breathe!
Oh, goddamn!
Get it out!
Get it out!
Get it out!
(BLEEP)
(BLEEP)
LEONA: Shh! We're
bothering people.
You know what?
Stop! Stop! Stop!
IVANKA: What?
This is not right.
LEONA: What happened?
Hold up! Hold up!
No! Stay here.
Stay here. Don't push.
LEONA: Hold the baby.
I could not let Jenfer
have her baby like that.
No one was even
having any fun.
What is up?
DJ!
Imma need a faster beat, kid.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
What is the point of having
your baby in public
if nobody's even grindin'
up on each other?
Okay! Everybody say...
MAN: Heads up!
Oh!
That's not right.
Get outta here!
(LAUGHS)
Everybody say words of
encouragement to Jenfer.
Okay, okay! Hey, listen!
Don't you listen to
what everybody else at
this party is saying.
You are going to be just fine.
This is the end
of your life.
What?
You are doing
great, darling.
Now, let my baby out
of your womb-cage.
I hope that baby
is a person.
(DENISE GIGGLES)
You know what?
Y'all are the best friends
I've ever had in my life.
And this is exactly how
I imagined this moment.
Let's get this mother out!
(ALL CHEERING)
And when we do,
save the placenta,
I'll bake it in a pie.
Ugh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Look, look, look,
look, look!
Yes, girl!
Push it! Push it out!
Phe Phe's gonna catch it.
I'm a wine maker.
I think I know how
to catch a baby.
Let's do this!
Push!
(ALL SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT)
(GROANING)
(VOICE DISTORTED) Oh...
(AIR WHOOSHING)
Turns out, making wine
is not at all the same
as catching a baby.
(BABY CRYING)
(VOICE DISTORTED) My chair!
Get out of my chair,
you tiny bitch!
I will kill you!
I will kill you!
Get away from the baby.
I will kill you!
I will get to you!
I wish that was the
first time I had broken
up a fight with a baby.
But as the saying goes,
this is Vegas!
Time to get in a baby fight.
Oh, this baby won't
latch onto my titty.
And he is just way uglier
than my other two.
Here, you can have him.
Oh. He kind of
looks like me.
And he weighs about
the same too.
LEONA: A toast!
There is nothing more
beautiful than a birth,
and of course,
I'm talking about my book.
To our books!
ALL: To my book!
CALLIE: To me.
Junior, get over here!
You need your floaties.
Come on, Mom.
No! I won't take
no for an answer.
I'm going to
the deep end.
Hey!
To being alive! (LAUGHS)
(GLASS CRACKING)
And to me and Vance, getting
the show back together.
I'm really looking forward
to branching out.
Mmm.
Mmm.
DENISE: (SCREAMING) Chair!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SCREAMING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
Damn!
Y'all know I don't speak
ill of my friends,
but that bitch is
crazier than a cat
with tar on its paws
running through
a grease fire.
(LAUGHING)
I am who I am
and I am Phe Phe.
Well, Imma go rinse off
my nethers in the Jacuz'
and try to find a
(BLEEP) to grind up on.
Giving birth makes
me horny as hell.
Ace, you wanna come
see our baby?
Ace!
What?
I wonder where this
storyline's going.
A new life begins as a
haunting season in Vegas ends.
Shalom, y'all!
I'm Matty Green,
joining you live from the
Hotwives Cooldown treehouse.
Now, even though we don't
have our favorite hotwives
with us today,
you have to wait till the
reunion to see them,
we do have their favorite
party planner, Antoine Donner.
Here to preview his brand-new
show and cheek implants.
Take a look.
I want this place
to look like the ocean.
Get me a big slab
of the Great Barrier
Reef, and hurry.
I can't, it's protected.
Why do you bother calling
yourself my assistant
when you refuse to assist me?
I should call you my
nightmare, because
that's what you are.
Now, please, get me a generic
diet cola, my nightmare.
Oh, Yung Lee!
You're just my maid,
but you keep me sane.
(ACCENTED ENGLISH)
I'm sure you've
just said something
beautiful and lovely
but, I can't understand
your little language.
Don't pick it up.
Let it stain.