The Horror of Dolores Roach (2023): Season 1, Episode 3 - Like a Stoned-Ass Baby - full transcript

Dolores digests what Luis has done with the evidence.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
And this is
the other thing

that you got really wrong, okay?

'Cause you're up there just
snapping motherfuckers' necks

like it's nothing.

Killing somebody is hard work.

That first one,

I didn't even know
what I was doing yet.

But in that split second,
in my little spa basement,

staring into that man's eyes,

everything turns.

And we both know
very, very clearly...

...that one of us
is gonna have to die.

Oh, fuck!

So, I got to find
the jugular, right?

'Cause choking's the breathing,

but strangulation
is blood flow to the brain.

That's way faster.

Tabitha taught me that, too.

Oh, shit.

He thinks he can win this.

You think you're gonna
fucking win this?

That's right.

That's right, motherfucker.

Like a pathetic
little animal.

But I'm
Dolores motherfucking Roach!

And I never had a shot,
but I will be

the last goddamn one
in the room,

and not you
or any fucking body else

is ever gonna take
anything away from me,

ever again.

Ever again!

Hey, wow, this is really
a good quality table,

holding up two people like this,
with all this rocking and...

Mr. Pearlman?

Mr. Pearlman?

Mr. Pearlman?

Mmm. This candle.

I almost want to light
another one, but, like,

I don't want to be too
indulgent, you know?

Why did he
make me do that?

Why'd he make me do that?

Why'd you make me do that?

Why'd you make me do it?


Come on, you...

Oh, God.
What am I gonna do?

Yeah, yes.



Yo, bro,
one more thing.

Where'd he go?

What? He... I-I...
He fell asleep.

Uh, when I was giving him
a massage.

No, no, don't go down there!

Uh, the step broke,

so I don't want you
to get hurt, um...

Um, so I'm gonna go to the
store and buy some wood. Okay?

- Dolores. Dolores.
- What?

- Uh, yeah?
- Come here.

Is everything okay in there?

Yeah, the situation is all good.

Because Luis gonna get himself
evicted, or even worse...

I know, I agree,
but it's handled,

it's over,
you have a good night.


What have I done?
What the fuck have I done?

Goddamn it.

I got so many friends inside

who'd know what to do
with a body.

All right.
I'm gonna wrap him up,

I'm gonna bring him
over to the river.

'Cause that's what
the river's there for, right?

Shit. Maybe I got
to cut him up first?

I never did this before.

Or do I have to dissolve him?

Him or me.
Survival of the fittest.

It was gonna be him or me.

♪ Come on, get together ♪

♪ Come on,
get together ♪

♪ Oh, people round the world ♪

♪ Let's get together ♪

♪ Get together ♪

♪ All we need is
peace and love ♪

♪ Through any kind of weather ♪

♪ Kind of weather ♪

♪ It don't matter
if you're white...

I'm gonna take this, too.



the balloons,
all those balloons.

- These?
- Yeah, all of them.

Yeah, because it's,

it's like a...
It's for my super.

- Mmm.
- It's a present.

- It's all a present.
- You paint?

- I do what? What?
- Paint. Your hands.

Oh. Uh, yeah, that's...
I do, I-I paint.

I do paint, yeah.

Fuck, I forgot gloves.

Luis has gloves.

My nephew loves to paint.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I got him some watercolors.

- But he thought it was candy.
- Mm-hmm.

He's five, but watercolors,

they're not that toxic
for humans.

- No?
- So, he was fine.

- Uh-huh.
- Even though

he kept on putting
the brush in his mouth.

- Wow.
- But...

- he's really creative.
- Mm-hmm.

- Look, I got to show you, I...
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.


Ah, mira eso. Yeah.

- Look at this one.
- That's nice, yeah.

Oh, I do believe children
are our future.

- That's nice, yeah.
- Precision.

- That I made.
- Oh!

Ah, yeah.

- Really good, yeah.
- Artist to artist, eh?

Yeah, yeah.

- That will be $54.12.
- Okay.

Here you go...
Oop, no. Paint.

Ah, yeah.

I got paint on that one. Yeah.

- Oh, hi, Nellie.
- Uh-huh.

I just got some balloons.
Oh, I like the stamping.

That's... That's nice.

No. Oh, no, no.

The fuck? No, no.

Oh. No.

No, no, no, no.
Did they take him away already?

Fuck. How long was I gone?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.



Luis, did you call
the cops on me?

Because it was...
it was an accident.

It was an accident.

Or did I make it up?

What's going on?

Where the fuck did he go?

What the fuck did I do?

What the fuck?

What the fuck is happening?

What is happening?

What the fuck's happening?

Did I make it up?

I am not a bad person.

My adrenaline
is crashing.

And I sleep like a fucking baby.

Like a stoned-ass baby.

Free samples.

Free samples.

Free samples.
Oh, try free samples?

Please try one. Yes.

They're really good.

Free sample. Sir, would you
like a free sample?

Free samples.

Free... Oh, thank you, ma'am.

They're really good.

Free samples.
Free sample.

Free samples.

Yes, thank you.
Please take one.

Free samples.
They're really good.



Where'd he go?

Yo, I told you, mami,
I took care of it.


You Catholic, D?

No. No, I'm not.

Hmm. What are you?

I'm not anything, man. My...

My father was born again,
my mother was Jewish.

No, no, no, I mean like
what-what do you...

- you believe in?
- Who cares?

Because in church they used to
say that God is nowhere

so that He can be everywhere.

What the fuck are you
talking about, Luis?

That's where
Gideon Pearlman went.

What did you do with him?


Free samples.

Guys, come on and try them.
Oh, yes.

Free samples.

Oh, hey, Ms. Linda,
you and your husband want some?

Yes. It's called muy loco.

It's gonna make
your mouth crazy.

Están muy loco, and make
your mouth go whoa-oh.

It's sweet and savory,

I know you want un poco! Hey,
come in here and get you some.

Mmm. I know you really
want some.

It's really good,
it's our new muy loco.

It'll make your mouth crazy.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, hey, D, you got to try this.

It's a new empanada exclusive
to Empanada Loca,

made with that secret recipe.

- A what?
- A secret recipe.

Luis thought it would
be a good promotion,

and I think it's, like,
kind of working

'cause a lot of people
already came in to buy some.

It's called muy loco.

Did Luis tell you
what was in those?

Um, I think it's mostly pork.


I don't know, he said
he had to start going through

some new butcher
for some reason,

and, like, it gave him
this idea,

and he told me to come out,

just remind people
we're still here,

that we're still part
of the community.

And, you know, we're not
just an empanada shop,

but Luis is a misunderstood
culinary visionary.

A misunderstood
culinary visionary?

Well, at least that's what
he told me to say.

Anyway, here, try it.

I don't really have an appetite.

Well, I do.

Mmm! That shit's yummy as fuck.




What was wrong
with your old butcher, Luis?


Nellie said you had
to get a new butcher.

I've been making empanadas
all my life, Dolores.

And by now, I've tried every
kind of weird-ass filling

and flavor combination
I could get away with.

Just trying to create
something that's special.

You know? Something that's mine.

But you, my Dolores... just changed
the game for me.

You have led me to a pantheon

that very few of us
who are called to this art

are ever privileged
enough to touch.

So, now...

...that greedy son of a bitch

will get chewed up,

shat out and flushed down
the toilet,

like the excrement that he is.

All by the same damn people
he been trying to snuff out.

It was an accident.

I know, boo.

I know.



A customer.

Oh, hey, Joy.

Oh, Luis, I just tried
one of your samples.

I've never tasted
anything like it.

Oh, you are just so kind.
Yeah, don't stop.

No, I mean it, don't stop.

Well, really, really,
you are so talented.

What did she call it? Muy loca?


Muy loco.

That's so funny.

Um, Dolores.

I wanted to see if you had any
free time because my-my shoulder

- is really tight.
- Uh, like, right now

I have, like, a nasty headache,

- like really bad.
- Oh, that's too bad.

- Yeah, unfortunately, but maybe later,
though? - Are you...?

I need
more samples already.

People are really
loving these, Luis.

Well, in that case, Nellie,

I'll buy one of those empanadas.

Oh, no, no, no.
Joy, you know

you can have whatever
you want... on the house.

No, no, on second thought,
let me take you downstairs.

- Oh, but your head.
- No, no, no, it went away.

- Really? Are you sure?
- I'll keep them warm for you, Joy.

- Yes, please. Yes.
- Yeah. Yeah, come on.

- Come on.
- All right...

Luis is so creative, isn't he?

Yeah, w-watch your step.
It's broken, okay?

Oh, no, look at that. You should
really tell your landlord.

Yeah. Yeah, we will.

Oh, did I miss your birthday?


Uh, no, I was just, uh...

feeling festive.

Oh, and look at this
incredible upgrade.


You're gonna steal
all of Bridget's business,

and I love it.

This is impressive, Dolores. Oh.

Things must be
going well for you two.

They're going.

Second person
on my table.

You're such a cute couple.

So, uh, tell me, how is...?

Why don't you undress
to the level of your comfort?

I'm just gonna, um...

I'm just gonna wash my hands.

Do you need a hand with...?

No, no. No.

Inside, they told us
how Jesus even loves

thieves and rapists
and murderers.

So the girls would play a game
with the chaplain,

trying to call out sins
that were unforgivable.

I think I finally found one.

Are you okay in there?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I am very not okay.

Okay, Joy.

Let's see what happens.

Are you, um...
Are you feeling all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

- Is it morning sickness?
- No, no.

Shh. Relax.

Take a deep breath.

Take a deep breath.

I am a good person.

I am.

You have such a gift, my friend.

It feels so much better already.

Oh, magic hands.

It was gonna be him
or it was gonna be me.

And it'll never happen again.

Ever again.

Good night.



You know, finally sent Nellie
upstairs for the night, man.

Whew. Yo, we ain't done
business like that since...

Man, not since my pops
was still alive. Whew.

Oh. This that
Hot Mocha Haze indica?

I ain't had a chance
to roll me a fresh one, so...

I'm about to light up.

You know I'm trying to...


Oh, yes.

Now, how could God make
anything more perfect

than this shit right here?


Grows right out of the ground,

you never even get a hangover,
right? Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Good night.

Bitch, are we really not
gonna talk about this?

Did you just call me bitch?

You don't think
we need to have a...

about this shit?

- What shit?
- No.

I'm not... You're not gonna
make me say it, no.

Mami, okay.

- I took care of it.
- But...

Have you tasted it?

Did I taste it? What?

You tasted it, didn't you?

Of course I didn't
fucking taste it.

- Well, why not?
- Why didn't I fucking taste it?

Yo, aren't you curious?
That's a delicacy.

Mami, I put a lot of...

Because it's human fucking
flesh in an empanada, you...

unbelievable dumbass!

Dolores. Meat is meat.
Flesh is flesh.

The only reason
that we eat a pig,

or a cow, or a lamb
like whatever

is because we are
more powerful than them.

So, we get to feed off them.

That's how we survive
because we are carnivores.

That's just like Darwin
and shit, man.

Why's everybody talking about
fucking Darwin all of a sudden?

Because these are
desperate times, yo.

You should be proud
of the muy loco.

Mami, it means that we won.

Luis, I just spent
the past 16 years in prison

with con artists, murderers,
child molesters,

some sick,
twisted motherfuckers.

And I heard a lot of shit
in my day, pero this?

This shit? Man, this shit?

This shit is even new to me.

What the fuck did you
want me to do, huh?

You want me to wrap him
up in a rug

and lug him over across
Broadway, down the stairs...

Yeah, that's exactly
what I was gonna do!

You know? Listen, mami,
I-I appreciate

what you did for me, okay?

But, you know, you left me
with a dead-ass body,

and I was up all night trying
to find a solution, okay?

And now? Mmm.

I'm doing decent business again.

And I'm getting rid of evidence.

So, you just got to keep
doing your thing, okay?

Being Magic Hands Dolores.

"Doing my thing"?

While you got Nellie
up there waving

fucking toothpicks
in people's faces?

Yes, that's right, mami.

Because the more it looks like

we're trying to attract

the more it looks like
we ain't got nothing to hide.

Because this shit is about
hiding in plain sight.

Hiding in plain sight, huh?

Yo, come on now,
waste not, want not, baby.

Don't eat that in front of me.

- Don't eat that man in front of me!
- Ah!

Yo, come on, what are you doing?
This is rare,

valuable meat right here, man.
I mean...

I mean, it's not cooked rare,
but it's rare like...

Jesus Christ. Oh, God.

Where's the rest of him?


Stop with the fucking "what,"
you heard what I said.

- I mean, I got a pretty big freezer
up there, so... - Oh, my God.

We're... Oh, my...
I'm going to prison.

I'm going back to prison.

And you're gonna
go to prison, we're...

No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, listen.

- I'm going back to prison.
- Listen.

Nobody goes up there
but me, all right?

And I took his phone
all the way to SoHo

and made some random-ass
calls out there

so if anybody tries
to track that shit,

it's gonna look like he went
down over there after here.

That's pretty genius, right?

"Genius"? That's the word
you're going with right now?

I love you.

I love you, Dolores Roach.

I've been waiting
this whole time.

And, listen, mami,
I know you love me, too.

And you ain't got to
say it back just yet.

I got all the time
in the world for you.

Give me that blunt. Genius.

Well, good night.

I miss Dominic.

And then,
for those next few days,

we all just do our work.

You have a wonderful...
Do you want your receipt? Okay.

♪ When I wake up
in the morning, love...

It's actually
weird how normal

everything feels, almost good.

♪ And something without
warning, love ♪

- Just one of these? Okay.
- ♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪

♪ Then I look at you ♪

My new table's
really working great,

and I'm making out.

♪ And the world's
all right with me ♪

♪ Just one look at you ♪

♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ A lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day...

Luis keeps cranking
out those empanadas...

♪ Lovely day, lovely day...

...I think he's gonna run out
of Mr. Pearlman pretty soon.


And, like, this
whole "secret recipe" thing

did remind some folks
we're still here.

♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day ♪

♪ A lovely day...

And for like
a hot second,

I can almost let myself believe
the other shoe's not gonna drop.

♪ Lovely day ♪♪

I'm telling you, D,

this is cute or whatever.

- "Or whatever"?
- But my girl could really do

something good with that hair.

What's wrong with my hair?

Uh, look here, she need
a couple of pics.

I don't want to give you pics.

Come on, smile, don't look hard.

There you go. Oh, my God,
these look so good.

Got you a present.

- You got me a present?
- Mm-hmm.

How come?

Because you're somebody
who deserves a present.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

That's the
graduation song, right?

No, that's the "Wedding March."

- No, no, that's the graduation song.
- Okay, what the hell are you

- asking me for then?
- Open it. Open it.

How'd you get this?

Looks legit, right?

Seriously, how did you get this?

I went over to one of those
print shops, it wasn't hard.

Yo, hang that up down there
and you will look very...

...above board.

'Cause we ain't
got nothing to hide.

Luis Batista?

But the other shoe...

always drops.

Mr. Batista, I'm Jonah Pearlman,
from Pearlman Property Group.

I'm here for my father.