The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Operation Desert Stumble - full transcript

Greetings. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to The Grand Tour.
And in this week's programme:

I drive a saloon car.

James drives a catering lorry.

And Richard has a knife fight.

Let's dance.

That is all to come, but first of all,

let me talk you through where
we are. It's South Africa.



Over there, in the distance,
you can see Johannesburg.

But this place here is called
The Cradle of Humankind.

Now it's called that because
archaeologists have determined

it was on this very spot that
mankind separated from the ape.

Ahem.

Well, I mean...

See? We haven't even begun.

- What?
- Be reasonable.

You've learnt to put socks on,

but other than that, mate...

Listen, I'm trying to be profound here, OK?

- Carry on, carry on.
- I'm trying to be profound.

Because this is ground zero.

This is where all of human history began.



Anyone who comes here,
it's like coming home.

- Jeremy.
- What?

How long has it taken some of
us to evolve from being apes?

It's taken

two million and a hundred...

You at home may be wondering
why everybody here is applauding,

but it's because while the rest of mankind

has managed to grasp the
concept of arithmetic,

the President of South
Africa, Jacob Zuma...

Well, how can I put
this? He sort of hasn't.

I've got a clip here to
show you what I'm on about.

We announce that our membership figures

stood at... 769,

eight-hundred and...

700...

Listen properly.

769 thousand,

820...

I mean, honestly.

The funny thing is...

Jacob Zuma is a bit of a
controversial figure here.

He recently installed a
swimming pool at his home.

And then, because he'd used
taxpayers' money to do that,

he said it was actually a water
storage facility in case of a fire.

So, in other words, if
he burst into flames,

he can jump into it and put himself out

in ten hundred and...
three hundred... seconds.

He has also bought himself

what he claims is a fire engine.

Nice.

He's also got himself an ambulance.

Yep. Can't be too careful.

Motoring in South Africa.

Big problem here, of
course, is the wildlife,

because how do you
accurately warn motorists

that there may be a deer-y thing ahead

and it could be full of helium?

Well, the authorities have had a go.

They've come up with this as a sign.

It's not bad, except
they've got the word wrong.

What?

It's wrong, isn't it?

- It's not baboons.
- No, it's not.

We're from England. We
know that's not a baboon.

Baboons are actually very dangerous here.

Certainly, they've got a better idea

of how to handle a gun
than the local police.

He's actually using
that as a shooting stick.

Shall we get on with the show?

- Yes, good idea. Good plan.
- Yes, let's.

And we start with Aston Martin.

The company must have
had a meeting recently

and the bosses must have said,

"It's gonna be a few years now

"until the next Bond film is out,

"so what are we gonna do at Aston Martin

to generate some
headlines in the meantime?"

And what they must have decided is,

to make a car that is
as good as a car can be.

They weren't talking
about making a racing car

because in racing there are rules

about how big the engine can be

and what sort of tyres you can use.

And they weren't talking
about making a road car,

that would have to meet
emissions regulations,

have comfy rubber bits in the suspension.

And all that stuff would slow it down.

Exactly. They wanted to make a car

that adhered to no
rules and no regulations.

So they have.

This is what they came up with.

It costs £1.8 million.

And it's called the Vulcan.

Spectacular, isn't it?

But not very practical.

Oh, God. Ow!

Agh!

Hold on... Nope.

How are you...?

No.

Agh!

Now I'm totally stuck.

Oh, yeah.

You will be able to
edit this out, won't you?

I don't want people thinking I'm fat.

Right. I'm gonna pop it into gear now.

You may hear this a little bit.

Good. First.

Er... foot on clutch.

And now it's time to fire
up the seven-litre V12.

It's quite normal.

When I got going, things
didn't get much better.

Even at slow speeds, it
is quite loud in here,

which is why I'm wearing
this silly face microphone

so you can hear what I'm on about.

The noisiest part of this car,
however, is not the engine.

That's the brakes.

They are quite... They are quite squeaky.

It actually sounds like
I'm stamping on a piglet.

And things get worse when
you put your foot down.

I'm not going to say that it's like

being attacked by a bear because it isn't.

But it is like being in a room with a bear

that's thinking of attacking you.

At the moment I've turned the
engine down on this knob here

to its minimum setting.

It's only producing 500 horsepower.

So it's not really the speed that's scary.

Oh, God!

It's the noise and the harshness

and the vibrations.

It's not a very well-equipped car either.

The windows don't wind down, for instance.

There are no toys at all.

And you only get half a steering wheel.

However, there is one amazing thing

you get for your £1.8 million.

An all-expenses-paid trip to
a racetrack of your choice,

where an Aston Martin test driver

will teach you how to drive your car,

not with the engine wound
down to 500 horsepower,

but with it turned up...

...to the max.

Holy cow!
Ha-ha-ha!

The engine is now producing 820 horsepower.

And the speed just beggars belief.

The bear is in attack mode.

The figures say it'll
do 0-60 in 2.9 seconds.

And has a top speed of 208
with that wing on the back.

But it feels a hell of
a lot faster than that.

Oh, God!

The other thing you get for your money

is a squadron of mechanics.

But sadly... not a handbrake.

Right, what I've done now
is I've taken... yes...

I've taken the steering wheel off,

so I can't put it in gear
to stop it rolling away.

Oh, God.

Agh.

Argh, argh...

When I'd finally got it to stop,

the jacks were deployed and
the mechanics set to work.

That's the thing about the Vulcan.

Wing angle, roll bar, suspension, brakes.

Everything can be adjusted
to suit your personal taste.

After ten minutes of pretending
I knew what they were doing,

I was back on the track.

And the car felt... just as
bonkers as it had done before.

However, I've changed.

I've been driving this thing now,

I don't know, three or four hours,

and I'm starting to... understand it.

I'm starting to get used to it.

I'm starting to trust it.

Now I'm starting to understand...

why the Vulcan can go round

the Nardo handling
circuit in southern Italy

nine seconds faster than the McLaren P1.

Nine seconds in car time, that's a year!

You get phenomenal mechanical grip

in the low-speed corners,

and then, on the Isn't Straight,

you've got a
ton-and-a-half of downforce,

thanks to its aerodynamics.

Then you have the power from the engine,

which feels, well, old-fashioned.

Proper.

I'm surprised it doesn't have carburettors.

I love this thing very much.

And what I love most of all

is that it's not a test bed.

It's not an example of what
cars will be like in the future.

It's a celebration of what
they were like in the past.

What it is...

is old time rock'n'roll.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

- So...
- What?

I get the impression
you quite liked the car.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

What I loved most of all is
they've made it out of bits

that they already had
lying around in the factory.

It's like you going home

after your tripto South
Africa, opening the fridge,

and using what's there

to make a delicious shepherd's pie.

What, some stale milk and
an old piece of cheese?

- And it costs £1.8 million?
- Yes.

How much is that, Jeremy, in rand?

Ten hundred and 30 million and a million.

But for that it does 0-60 in 2.9 seconds?

So it's nearly as fast as an
Aventador or a Caterham R600,

or an Ariel Atom V8,

but much more expensive!

And not road legal.

Yes. Thank you very much for relieving
yourself all over my enthusiasm.

You're welcome.

It is a brilliant, brilliant car.

And only one question now remains.

How fast will it go round our track

in the hands of a man

who thinks that everything
British is basically communist?

Here he is.

Looking a bit confused.

All right, folks, let's see
what this bag of bolts will do.

And he's off, and immediately
on to the Isn't Straight.

First corner coming up.

And he's flat through
there. That is ballsy.

Changing down, though,
for the second corner

on the Isn't Straight,

but now he can use full power.

800 brake horsepower?

Are you kiddin' me?

Now, hard on the brakes for Your Name Here.

He has got to be impressed with this.

For about $50,000, I could get
one of my old trucks NASCAR style.

It's got 800 brake horsepower.

Go deer hunting,

you got room for a couple deer in the back.

I don't think you can
put no deer in this thing.

Plenty of deer to run over, though,

back on the Isn't Straight.

James Bond drives one of these.

Shit. Vin Diesel would whip his ass.

Yes, I'm sure he would,
but down into first.

I don't know about this thing.

It's like a red-headed
stepchild I'm talkin'.

Be damn ugly.

Not sure he's fully concentrating
past Old Lady's House.

But he is flat out towards
Substation. It is bumpy here.

And there's new Tarmac on the
apex. Will it kick the tail out?

Yes, it does indeed. He's OK.

Into Field of Sheep. No sheep today.

And he's across the line.

Hell of a track, though.

- It is a hell of a track.
- Big car.

Anyway, we must now bring up the lap board

and find out how fast the
American got round in the Vulcan.

Let's have a look. Ooh, it's quick.

Oh, hello. Hello.

There you go, see? Old time rock'n'roll.

Old time rock'n'roll has
beaten rap and techno.

And R and B.

- And is now at the top.
- Very good.

Well done, and thank
you. Now we must move on.

It's time for us to take a gentle
stroll down Conversation Street.

Right, sticking with Aston Martin,

they've teamed up with Red
Bull Racing to create this.

It's called the 001.

It has a V12, no turbos, none of
that sort of hybrid witchcraft.

Yet it produces 900 horsepower

in a car that only weighs 900 kilos.

Staggering.

Well, more than staggering,
that is a magic figure,

cos that means it has one
horsepower per kilogram.

And no other car gets close to that.

Not remotely. The Vulcan's
barely half that. It's staggering.

The only problem I have with this...
and you just have to look at it.

Another angle we've got here. Look at that.

You know that car is gonna
be all about aerodynamics

and particularly downforce.

And I hate downforce.

What do you mean, you hate downforce?

Because they tell you you can go
round a 90-degree bend at 100mph

because of the weight of the
air pressing down on the body.

It's like having an invisible elephant.

What if the elephant falls off?

It's not a real elephant!
It can't fall off!

But how can you trust
something you don't see?

Wait. No, I'm with him because what
if you drove through a sudden vacuum?

Well, that's not gonna
happen either, is it?

Hammond, listen. There has to be a speed

in a car with active
downforce, like that one,

where you go round a corner
too fast for the tyres,

too fast for the mechanical grip,

but not fast enough for
the downforce to be working.

So you'd have to say to the police,

"I crashed because I
wasn't going fast enough."

- It's true.
- Potentially.

There's another point, actually,

the handling is gonna
depend on the weather.

If it's a really hot day,
the air will be thinner.

- No, thicker.
- No, it's thinner on a hot day.

See, I'd be messed up already
cos I'd have the wrong...

That's the point. You got a really hot day,

and you don't really
want to be driving a car

where whether or not you get round a corner

depends on whether or not the sun's out.

So you now want weather forecasts
to include cornering speeds?

It's not just weather. Altitude.

You could drive that car
round a corner at 100mph

in Holland, sea level,

but, what are we here, 6,000 feet up?

6,000 feet up here.

You'd barely be able to
get round at three mph.

You'd crash it into a
tree, or a visible elephant.

They are real.

Exactly. I just... Honestly, downforce...

I don't like having to trust
something you can't see.

It's like North Korea.

Or the contraceptive pill.

That was an overshare.

There's actually another hyper car
I want to draw your attention to.

- Replacement for the Veyron.
- Oooh!

That is the Bugatti Chiron.

It's got a quad turbo 8-litre W16 engine,

which every minute inhales
13,000 gallons of air.

- Just imagine.
- It's unbelievable.

1,500 horsepower.

And the top speed is limited to 261 mph.

They say it would do 288 but that
would be irresponsible on the road.

It's got diamonds in the
speakers for better sound quality.

Of course it has, yeah.

Oh, you'll like this. At top speed,
the force on each tyre is 3,800G.

A man dies at 9G.

If you drive the Chiron flat out

it'll drain its tank in nine minutes.

Nine minutes?

Hang on a minute. 261mph at nine minutes.

That means you'd have to fill
up with fuel every 39 miles.

Well, less... you can't drive until you run
out, you'd have to look for a petrol station.

Yes, James, it really isn't
a practical car, is it?

Gonna give you the most
amazing stat, though.

It's about the people
who are buying this car.

They've got 200 orders so far.

And the average person who's ordered one

already has 64 cars, three
helicopters, three jets and one yacht.

Zuma.

I reckon he's got one already.

Didn't say that. He didn't say that.

Shall we move it on?

In South Africa, there are
35 carjackings every day.

- Every day?
- Every day.

I've got to say, well done,
that's an amazing figure.

I can't believe it. How have
you got time to come here?

Cos you've got stuff to do.

They've all come here
in someone else's car.

So you've already done it?

But what they don't realise
is they're all walking home.

I've done a bit of research.

The most commonly jacked
cars, carjacked cars,

are the VW Polo, the Toyota
Hiace and the Toyota Hilux.

But they're the best-selling
cars in South Africa.

Exactly. The VW Polo is the
best-selling car in South Africa.

So why would you buy a car

which increases your chance of being shot
in the head and your car being stolen?

Why not buy a car that
nobody would want to steal?

No, cos if I lived here, I'd get
something like a beige Volvo Estate.

That's just a car you want!

You're using it as an
excuse to get your dream car.

Look, Hammond, I've
explained it to you before.

Having a Volvo Estate is a bit
like needing to go to the dentist.

It's gonna happen. Get
it over with. Just do it.

I don't want to get it over with.

That's like going to
the dentist and saying,

"Take all my teeth out cos
they're gonna fall out."

At the barber's: "Just pull it
all out, it'll fall out anyway."

The doctor: "Stop me being able to
retain my urine. It's gonna happen, too."

I'm gonna bury myself and get it
all over with once and for all.

He has got a point, seriously.

Let's enjoy it before we
have to have the Volvo.

But why do you all buy cars that
you're going to get carjacked in?

Has anyone got a Volkswagen Polo here?

You have? Did you buy that for yourself?

- My dad bought it for me.
- Your dad bought it?

Wow! Oh, nice gift!

What sort of madness is this?

Has anyone got a Toyota Hilux?

Yeah. This is insanity.

Is it yours?

What did you start out with this morning?

It's unbelievable.

Anyway, listen, we gotta move it on.

Because, here in South Africa,

people have an interesting
approach to preventing car theft.

Got a picture here of one man's solution.

That's a python.

Now there's no question it's gonna work.

I would not steal a car that
had that on the dashboard.

However, a python's not
like a burglar alarm.

You can't turn it off.

When you come back to your car,
how do you say to the snake,

"It's my car, don't strangle me."

You can't.

I'm pretty sure you can't
train a python, can you?

You can't. That's why
you never see sheep snakes

or guide snakes for the blind.

It'll never happen.

I have to say,

in England, we've got an
even more stupid solution.

This chap's come up with
an idea called "Bike Mine".

I've got a video of him
here explaining how it works.

It can be attached quickly to
protect almost any personal possession

you store outside or in a garage or shed.

Its robust steel construction
is covered in a rubber skin

to protect your property.

Bike Mine is safe because the
detonators are self-contained...

as well as legal to own and use.

Bike Mine is reliable because
there are no batteries to run down

and only one moving part.

It's not gonna work.

What I can't understand is,

he said it can also protect any
other personal property you may have.

What, like a Ming vase?

"Are you worried about
your child being kidnapped?

Simply hang this bomb round their neck."

So, moving on, to Jordan, weirdly,

where the government has
just built a mock town,

so that special forces
from all over the world

can turn up and have a competition

to see which one is best.

Yes, and this year, Mr Wilman,

who is the Fat Man who controls our lives,

decided that us three
should go and take part.

Obviously there'd be a lot of shooting,

running about and doing somersaults.

None of which we'd be any good at.

No, but, the SAS, the world's
first special forces unit,

was created to be fast,

to get into the battle
quickly and then get out again.

So there would also be a
lot of high-speed driving.

- Erm...
- Yes, I know.

That is a bit of a problem.
We'll gloss over that.

Anyway, we were sent out there
and this is what happened.

This is it.

The special forces training
base deep inside Amman.

The city, obviously, not... not...

Anyway, arriving now to demonstrate
what we'd have to do later,

a squad of special forces soldiers.

They exfoliated from a Black
Hawk helicopter on ropes

and then fought their way through
a terrorist-infested building.

Their next task was to steal a car,

which they used to reach
a hijacked airliner.

Here they stormed the
cabin, killed the bad guys...

and rescued a VIP.

There was then a high-speed car
chase and a running gun battle,

as they escorted the rescued hostage

to the safety of a nearby embassy.

That was quite impressive.

Well, it's not like they were

- using real bullets.
- Yes, they were.

- They were not.
- They were!

Are you saying that on this,

let's be honest, training ground,

people are allowed to run around
with real bullets in these guns?

- Yes.
- Rubbish.

And there you are. Real bullets.

And I managed to shoot myself.

- Oh, yeah.
- How did you do that?

Well, because, on an assault rifle,

the bullets come out this side

and I'm a left-handed shot, so
they just go up my arm, the casings.

You're gonna be rubbish at this.

Well, I'm not going to be
able to use an assault rifle.

I'm not gonna be able
to storm that airliner.

I'm not gonna be able to
get out of the helicopter.

Fearing that things may not go well,

we were told to go and get ready.

And even that was fraught with difficulty.

Why are you wearing white?

Snow camouflage.

It has never, ever snowed in Jordan.

I didn't know where Jordan was.

You're gonna be quite visible.

At this point, we received details

of our mission from our boss, Mr Wilman.

"Each time one of you is killed,

you all have to begin again."

So it's like that Tom Cruise movie.

What, Cocktail?

No, not Cocktail. Or Rain Man.

This is gonna take forever.

Nevertheless, we were
soon in the helicopter

on our way to the start of
this important rescue mission.

Let's just get this straight.

When we get over the building,

we leap out of the door

and grab the rope and slide down it?

Pretty much, yeah, that's
it. That's how it goes.

You could be leader.

Get out there, show us how
it's done, we will follow.

I don't want to.

I've never climbed a rope
or gone down one in my life.

Well, what a time. Get on with it.

Why don't you go first?

I can't do that. I'm scared of heights.

Lead by example.

- Be an inspiration to your men.
- Yeah, exactly.

How high will it be?

- 30 feet?
- Yeah. You'll be fine.

What happens if you fell 30 feet?

Would you be going home with a head wand?

You'd be going home in this helicopter

but not in that seat.

You'd be in a bucket in the corner.

OK, here it comes. Let's do this!

Whoa! Jesus Christ! Stop!

Oh, shit.

I'm very scared.

Mate, that's not the attitude.

- Go on, then!
- Don't like it!

- Go down the rope!
- Don't want to do it.

- Loosen your hands a bit.
- I don't want to.

Do you want me to tickle you on your belly?

- No.
- Well, go on, then!

- Hammond!
- Yeah?

My trousers have fallen down.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chuck Norris.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, yes. Have you ever

in your whole life seen anything...

Aaagh!

I know I made that rope
thing look a bit difficult,

but actually it's surprisingly easy.

So, why don't you go first?

- I've got a better idea.
- What?

Why don't we just land the helicopter?

That is a good idea. Helicopters can land.

Stop, stop, stop. Hammond.

Right, listen, you open the door,

and I'll throw this stun grenade in.

Good idea. In three...

No, wait, wait!

I don't know how it works.

Oh, for God's sake.

Right. You ready, Hammond?

Go!

Come on!

I thought you said it was a stun grenade?

I meant smoke.

I can't see a thing!

Literally nothing.

When the smoke finally cleared,

we started our sweep.

Ssh. Quiet.

Dog. Dog.

No! It means door. There's a door!

There's a door.

It's not a bloody football, is it?

- Kick it.
- You put your foot flat.

That's how you do it.

- Nobody there.
- It's empty.

Nobody there.

Soon, though, they were there.

We are trapped in this room.

Well, why don't we just
go out of the window?

We could go out of the window.

Yeah, we could do that. Cover us.

Yeah, I'll cover you.

As Jeremy laid down covering fire...

...May and I climbed out of the window.

But then, there was a problem.

I'm stuck.

- Well, push!
- Ooh!

What?

The terrorists are in the room.

How do you know?

They're doing things to me.

Ooh.

Oooh.

This is very uncomfortable.

It's probably cos you're so tense.

Ohh. James!

- What?
- Kill me.

Shoot me.

Gladly.

Please hurry up.

- Fully automatic?
- Er...

Get on with it!

- Just give him the lot.
- In ten...

Not ten!

All right, in...

three, two, one.

How did you miss?

It's true what they say about machine guns.

You can't hit a thing with them.

- What?
- Just kill me.

We're trying! It's not that easy.

Hang on. I'm out.

- Use the shovel. Hit me with that.
- Right.

Do you want to say anything?

Yes. Final words. I hate you.

You know, I've dreamt about exactly this.

- Hurry up!
- Incoming!

We are trapped in this room.

Why don't we go out of the window?

Do you mind if I go through the door?

This is better.

Heroically we fought off all the
attackers outside the building.

But then we were pinned down by a sniper.

- James. James.
- What?

Go down there and steal that Renault.

Why?

Because this is a car show.
We need a motoring element.

- Good point.
- Go!

Can you think of anybody
on God's green Earth

less able to do this
kind of thing than him?

I mean, he can play the harpsichord

but that's not a skill
we're gonna need today.

And he's been shot.

- James.
- What?

- Go and steal that Renault over there.
- Why?

Because this is a car show.
We need a motoring element.

Good point.

Can you think of anybody
on God's green Earth

who's less able to do this
sort of thing than him?

Can you think of anybody
on God's green Earth...

Can you think of anybody...

Can you think...

James, you can't just keep doing

the same thing over and over again.

Nah, he'll miss eventually.

Oh, God.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- There it is.

Because Corporal Stubborn
wouldn't budge from his tactic,

Richard and I decided
that on our next attempt

we'd go into battle
with some new equipment.

Go and steal that Renault.

Go and steal that Renault over there.

Ohhh!

James, go and steal
that Renault over there.

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

Well, there's a garage over there.
It'll have some vehicles in it.

Oh, yeah.

Now we're in a car show.

Right, Jeremy, you go sort that
sniper, we'll get these started.

Good plan.

Right, there's no keys. I'll hotwire it.

Oh, there he is.

Say hello to my little friend.

Yes! What a shot!

Ohhh!

I'll never be able to do that again.

- Jeremy!
- What?

James has electrocuted himself.

Oh, what a...

Say hello to my little friend.

Right, there are no keys. I'll hotwire it.

Have you not seen every
single movie ever made?

There's nowhere to put a gun.
That is a bad mark for Audi.

Sport, drive, traction control off.

Here we go!

Unbelievable.

- Jeremy.
- What?

Why did your trousers fall down?

Because there were so many
grenades attached to them.

And in the down-draught
of the helicopter...

I was very brave doing that. I was.

- I'm sure I saw him crying.
- They were tears of bravery.

Oh, that well-known
expression. Tears of bravery.

Anyway, look, there's a bit
of a trend in South Africa

for making your own car,
making a car from scratch.

We've got an example here.

This man's built this one
based around the engine

and a few bits from a BMW 318i.

And I've got to say, I
think that's pretty cool.

- It's brilliant.
- There are lots of these.

I prefer this one, also
with a BMW engine, a V8,

but the bodywork is made of denim.

A man of exquisite taste.

I think the best of them all is so good,

we've actually brought it into the studio.

Look, it's down here. Unbelievable, this.

It's a replica of a Mercedes C9.

Now that, Hammond, was the car that won

the 24-hour Le Mans race in 1989.

And it's so amazing, I've
brought out the man who built it.

Ladies and gentlemen, give him
a warm hand. Johan Ackermann!

Thank you very much for coming.

Can I just ask...

Can I just ask, Johan,

how did you get the styling to work?

Well, Jeremy, there was no
drawings on the internet,

so, erm... I got a book on the dimensions,

but the closest I could
get was a 1:32-scale model.

Hang on, so you measured your toy car,

multiplied it by 32 and
built a full-sized one.

- Yep.
- That's how you did it?

- Is it road legal?
- Fully road legal.

- It's a real car, not a model?
- Yeah.

How long did you spend building this?

From start to roadworthy was 16 months.

Right. Was there, or is there,

a marriage to have survived this?

Well, I hope so.

My wife is here, so it must be a good sign.

Hello, patient lady.

Well, it's a remarkable
achievement, and well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johan Ackermann.

That's brilliant.

Brilliant.

We're moving on to a great idea

that Richard Hammond and
I have had all by our own.

- And it is brilliant.
- It is.

It's called, Making James May Do
Something He Doesn't Want To Do.

And we kick off with spinning.

It's a South African thing. Fairly simple.

You get an elderly
rear-wheel-drive car,

take it to a car park
where you do doughnuts in it

to a backdrop of strong rap music.

It's lively, it's
interesting, and it's youthful.

It's everything he isn't.

Well, here we are, then,

at one of Jo'burg's top
spinning destinations,

the aptly-named Wheelz 'n' Smoke Arena.

And the object of the exercise,

as far as I can make out,

is to create smoke.

And drive round and round the arena

until the tyres go bang.

And then what's left of the tyres

are put on a bonfire over there,

to make sure there's
absolutely nothing left.

This is Stacy, and she's
only about 17, I think.

And the word round here
and the noise in the crowd

says that Stacy is
actually very good at this.

But how the bloody hell would I know?
It's just a massive cloud of smoke...

...with some headlights
occasionally appearing in it.

To help me get into the spirit of things,

the organisers suggested I
should become more involved.

Aaaargh!

Look at the rev case, in
the red constantly, mate.

I don't like the smell of
tyre smoke in the evening.

Oi! Get back in!

Get back in the car, you idiot!

Help!

Thank you.

- Has it broken?
- Yes.

Finally.

I got 20,000 miles

out of the last set of
rear tyres on my car.

Just go out there and do it.

Fancy trying to do that in England.

Or anywhere. Or Australia.

Anyway,
mm-mm-mm.

James May, was there any
part of that that you enjoyed?

- Nope.
- Good.

But now it is time for
Celebrity Brain Crash.

Now after what happened last week,

our guest this week declined our offer

to arrive at the studio on a hovercraft,

saying she would prefer to walk.

- It's understandable.
- Yes, it is.

I'm sure that despite this,

you will still give
her an enormous welcome.

Although she's now a major Hollywood star,

she was actually born here in South Africa.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome Charlize Theron!

We must ask her about A
Million Ways To Die In The West.

I love that film.

But what I really love is
the way she looks in it.

The hat and the floaty skirt.
She's on a bicycle as well.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, God.

- Oh, not...
- Ladies and gentlemen,

Charlize Theron has
been attacked by a lion.

- Oh, no.
- Literally nothing we can do.

Does that mean she's not coming on, then?

She's been eaten by a lion.

Well, look, are there any other well-known

South Africans in the audience?

It's not very likely, James.

There's only two globally
famous South Africans.

One's now in a lion and
the other's in prison.

Let's get back to what we were doing.

Earlier on, we were at a Jordanian
special forces training base

learning to be super army soldiers.

And we pick up the action as we
rush towards the hijacked airliner

to rescue a VIP and take them to safety.

Let me talk you through the plan.

James and Richard will use the
catering lorry as an assault vehicle.

And then, after we've rescued the VIP,

we'll use the Audi as a getaway car.

Now what we're doing here, very cleverly,

is we're going round the back of the plane

because planes don't have rear windows

or door mirrors, so they
won't see us sneaking up.

Stealthy, you see.

Hammond, we're manoeuvring in.

- OK.
- Dab the brakes.

Right, we are in position.

James is gonna lift me on
this platform to the door,

then we go in.

Right, are you ready?

I'm ready to lower the jacks.

Absolute stealth.

I think the terrorists

are going to notice this assault.

I think the terrorists are
going to notice this assault.

Which is why I shall now cause a diversion.

I'm gonna make a smoking
doughnut in front of the plane

to distract the terrorists.

Oh, no, this is a disaster.

Even when you turn the
traction control off,

it isn't fully off,

so you just get miles and
miles of dreary understeer.

Bad mark for Audi here.

Come on!

The only good thing is the
terrorists will be looking

out of the cockpit windows

thinking, "Why is that Audi

understeering around like that?"

Right! Go low!

Here I come!

Cry havoc and let slip
the dog of understeer!

Chaps, I have located the VIP

and it is the Queen of England.

I don't like the Royal Family.

James, now is not the time
for your republican views.

Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi outside. We will...

Why did you shoot Hammond?

He was being annoying.

That's how you do it!

Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi outside. We will...

- Did you shoot May?
- Well, he shot me!

That's how you do it!

Somehow in our next attempt,
Hammond ended up on the wing.

Oh, I see. You wanna do
this the old-fashioned way.

OK, let's dance.

Aagh!

Ma'am, we are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi waiting
outside to get you to safety.

- And what do you do?
- I just said.

We are an elite fighting force.

We have an Audi waiting
outside to get you to safety.

- You'll like it, it's German.
- Like you are.

Thank you, James. Are all the
terrorists dead back there?

- Everybody's dead back there.
- Good man.

Your Majesty, if you'd like to follow us.

What was that?

He's just shot the Queen
in the back of the head.

Well, now what we gonna do?

Oh...

Go. I'll have that, thank you very much.

Having finally got the Queen into the car,

we were now faced with a
perilous drive to the embassy.

However, this did at least mean
I could get back to my day job.

I'll talk you through the
car. This is the S8 Plus.

Plus means it has 80 more
horsepower than the standard car.

That means 0-60 in 3.8 seconds,

top speed: 190.

How very interesting.

The immense power is harnessed
not only by all-wheel drive,

but also by ceramic brakes.

And an electronic differential.

There's a time and a place for
talking about that stuff, mate!

Sitting behind a
six-foot-five-inch driver

means that rear leg room
is rather at a premium.

Having said that, however,
for a high-performance saloon,

the ride quality is really rather good.

Will you two stop reviewing the car?

Do you have an opinion, the Queen?

Not now!

Hold it steady, I'm gonna shoot them.

Shoot him in the face!

Have you come far?

The Living Daylights. Transporter 2 and 3.

Taken. Ronin.

Why are you listing films?

Because all those films had a big
Audi saloon in them going quickly.

It is the car of choice
for the Hollywood hero.

Shut up.

What's the top speed of that thing, James?

About 90 miles an hour.

Well, here is a top tip
for Hollywood heroes.

If you're being chased by a car

which is slower than the car you're in,

simply drive faster than it.

See, that's what Nick Cage ought to
have thought about, really, in The Rock.

And that man in Ronin, with
the S8 chasing the Citroen.

Stop talking about films!

There's a bogey waxing our tail.

- Oh, God!
- Gonna shoot its petrol tank.

James, there's no point shooting
it. Petrol only blows up in films.

Well, that's not strictly accurate.

- Where the bloody hell is the embassy?
- Go down here.

- No, this is rubbish.
- There it is.

There it is!

Right, you get the Queen
to safety. I'll cover you.

- OK, I'm on it.
- Right, good. Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Your Majesty.

Really quickly, Your Majesty.

We can't see.

Come on, Jeremy, come on!

I'm doing my best!

In the plums!

Oh, no!

Just keep moving!

They've done it again!

James, you're missing this!

You cannot modernise the royalty,

because royalty is, at the
very best, a medieval concept.

Oh! Shooting!

That's gonna sting! He's still coming!

Keep going!

Mind the mines!

He's still going!

James, he's dead.

No, wait a minute. He's going
again! He's moving again!

Jeremy, come on, you can do it!

Come on, keep going! Come on.

- This is it.
- Hammond...

There's the finish line!

Am I going the right way?

More or less. Roll over it. You can do it.

Yes! We have done it.

Have you come far?

A fighting force. An
unbelievable fighting force.

We actually managed to complete that course

in nine hours and 48 minutes.

And that's only nine-and-a-half
hours slower than the actual soldiers.

Can I just ask, how
many times were you shot?

- What, on the run in?
- On the way to the embassy.

Er... 17 to the torso,
two to the... plum set.

And you lived?

Well, obviously, James, yes, look, I lived.

He did. And on that terrible
disappointment, it is time to end.

Yes, it is. Thank you so much for watching.

See you somewhere next week. Goodbye!