The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Holy Trinity - full transcript
The Grand Tour kicks off in California, USA, when Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May take their famous studio tent to Dry Rabbit Lake. Hundreds of fans from across the U.S. ...
According to today's
newspaper headlines,
it seems that it's
the end of the road
for motoring presenter
Jeremy Clarkson...
...and said that
it's with deep regret
the decision had been taken
not to renew him.
..forecast plenty of sunshine
through today
with seasonal temperatures.
We should reach a high of about
82 degrees by this afternoon...
♪ I can see clearly now
the rain has gone ♪
♪ I can see all obstacles
in my way ♪
♪ Gone are the dark clouds
that had me blind ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Think I can make it now
the pain has gone ♪
♪ All of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪
♪ Here is the rainbow
I've been praying for ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ We're gonna make it
now the pain has gone ♪
♪ All of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪
♪ I can see clearly
now the rain has gone ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Take it away ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh! Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
Hello, everybody!
Hello.
That was the Hothouse Flowers.
And now, look what we have here.
He was born-
He was born in 1836...
He was fired by Car magazine,
fired by Autocar magazine,
fired by Scotland On Sunday,
and somehow he managed
to get fired
by a Volvo dealership.
Thank you.
Probably for driving too slowly.
Ladies and gentlemen, James May!
Thank you, thank you.
You're very kind.
And, ladies and gentlemen,
you probably can't see him
from the back,
but I assure you he is here.
He was fired by Radio York,
fired by Radio Leeds,
and fired by Radio Lancashire,
it's Richard Hammond!
Hello! Hello! Thank you!
Thank you.
And, ladies and gentlemen!
Over here!
He's-He's basically
a shaved ape in a shirt.
And he, technically,
is the only one of us
never to be fired by anyone.
It's Jeremy Clarkson!
Thank you so much.
And the good thing is,
it's very unlikely
I'm going to be fired now,
because we're on the Internet,
which means
I could pleasure a horse.
No! No.
- Dog?
- No.
No pleasuring of any sort.
- There are families watching.
- Yes!
Anyway, we are all
car journalists.
And we have spent
the last 20 years...
- Being fired.
- Yes.
But we have poured
everything we know,
everything we care about,
into this show.
Everything. And coming up now
is a small montage
of what you can expect
over the next 12 weeks.
Are we ready, gentlemen?
Honestly, I don't know.
Argh!
Is that the size of the drop
or what's happened to his penis?
You're looking at magnificence.
Help! This is bad.
James says we've got
to stop for fuel.
I hate you!
He doesn't like us.
Bloody Nora!
May be leaking slightly.
What a moron.
You sunk my limousine!
I've lost one of
my nose tampons.
This is not a particularly
cultural thing to do.
I don't like the smell
of tire smoke in the evening.
Oi! Get back in!
James is falling...
Sideways in linen.
There's no dignity in that,
is there?
No.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now-Thank you.
All of that is gonna
be hosted from this.
This is our new
travelling studio tent.
Thank you so much. We're gonna
be roaming the world in it.
We're gonna be like gypsies.
Only the cars we drive
are gonna be insured.
Stop saying things
that are gonna get us fired.
But I'm just saying,
it's brilliant.
It is.
Oi! Who shot our drone?
- Did someone shoot it?
- Him.
Let's not get bogged down
in who shot what, okay?
Let's get changed
and get on with the show.
Shall we get on with the show?
Let's do it.
Thank you, everybody!
Thank you so much.
And welcome
to the first ever Grand Tour.
Thank you. Now, we hope
you like our tent.
We think the great thing is that
because it roams around the world,
we get a different view out of
the big picture windows every week.
So this week,
obviously we've got
the high desert of California.
- Next week, who knows?
- I do.
Well, yes, James, we know.
It's Johannesburg.
- Now they know.
- I know they know! It doesn't matter!
The point is the view changes
and so does the audience, okay?
This week you're all Americans.
Now, this is a bit of a problem
for people like us
who speak English.
We can converse perfectly well
in a shop or a restaurant,
but when it comes
to cars and motoring,
every single word you use
is different.
When I say "different",
I mean "wrong."
When you change gear with a
lever, what do you call that?
- Stick.
- Stick.
Now, you see, this is a stick.
Couldn't change gear with this.
Wouldn't work. What you can do
with this is point at things.
Let's see
if we can get you educated.
What do you call
this bit of a car?
- The hood!
- Bonnet.
- Bonnet.
- They're learning.
What do you mean? I know you
can wear a bonnet on your head.
It's two things. We're capable of
having those different thoughts.
- What type of vehicle
is this? - Pick-up.
No, it's stupid.
- Oh, now, hang on.
- It is stupid.
Let's do another one of these.
- What type of vehicle is this?
- Coupe.
Coupe? Coop is where
you keep your chickens.
That's a coupé.
That's a French word, I admit.
- Yeah, a bit.
- They're muddled with that.
George Bush, have you heard what
he once said about the French?
"The trouble with the French is
they have no word
for entrepreneur."
It is difficult. I think
the only thing we agree on
- is "steering wheel."
- Yeah.
But then they go and put it
on the wrong side of the car.
It must be really annoying having to
drive along like that all the time.
Why don't you just put it in
front of the driver like we do?
It's probably a good idea if
we get on with the actual show.
Yes, it is. But we had
to clear all that up,
because contrary to what
some people have been saying,
this actually is a car show.
- Well, not next week it isn't.
- Next week is an exception.
- Yeah.
- But not when we go to Barbados either.
No, Barbados is definitely
another exception.
But tonight couldn't be
more "car-y" if it tried.
I'm gonna prove that point because
we're kicking off with this.
Bear with me, bear with me-
I agree!
The thing is, though,
various supercar makers
have now taken
the polar-bear-friendly
technology from a Prius,
and they are now using it
to create raw, naked speed.
Now, I say the best
of these hybrid hypercars
is the mad,
swivel-eyed McLaren P1.
Whereas Richard Hammond,
who's wrong-
I'm not wrong.
He is, because he says the best
is actually the rather
boring Porsche 918.
- It's not boring!
- Yes, it is.
- It isn't.
- Mm-hmm.
It isn't.
Well, whatever.
We decided to meet up
with the cars
and settle this
once and for all.
The location we chose for this
titanic duel was Portugal...
specifically, the international
race track of the Algarve.
When we arrived,
mechanics from Porsche
and McLaren pounced on our cars,
fettling them for
what was to come.
And this meant Hammond and I
had some time to indulge
in a spot
of childish point scoring.
Which one of these is going to
be the fastest around this track?
- This?
- Yeah.
Apart from this one,
which will be faster.
It won't. Which one do you
think will be the fastest?
- This one.
- This one.
Porsche think the Porsche will be
fastest. McLaren say the McLaren.
How much is it
if I wanted to buy one?
I think one was sold in
an auction for 1.8 million.
1.8 million dollars.
Hammond, how much is yours?
838 euros.
- Thousand I'm guessing?
- Yes. It is thousands.
Why has your car
got a number on the side?
It's the Weissach edition,
this one.
- You also get titanium chassis bolts.
- Stupid.
For just an extra ã60.000.
And a carbon-fiber
bonnet strut.
Look at that.
How much does that save?
- About 100 grams.
- Right there, 100 grams.
Has the McLaren got
a carbon-fiber bonnet strut?
- Doesn't need one.
- No, because my bonnet doesn't go up
because it will never
break down.
And it's got silly doors.
Proper doors, silly doors.
Mine does 34 miles
to the gallon.
This does 94.
- 94 miles to the gallon?
- 94mpg.
Just remind me,
Porsche is owned by?
That'll be Volkswagen.
Soon the McLaren and the Porsche
were ready for some shakedown laps.
And for these we decided
we'd drive each other's cars.
Straight away, I can tell you
that this doesn't have
the brutality or the savagery
of the McLaren.
Because it has rear-wheel
steering and four-wheel drive,
it feels secure and safe.
And that gives you
the confidence-
...to play about.
If I went round this corner
this fast in the McLaren...
...a lot of poo would come out.
Whoa! There's poo
coming out now!
Jesus.
It's spinning its
wheels in sixth!
This is frightening,
that's what it is.
Whoa! More poo.
I didn't think it was possible
to shit yourself to death.
The grip is genuinely
incredible.
Oh, there you go.
In the savage
and unforgiving P1,
my nerves were shot to pieces.
But I, too, was falling in love.
903 horsepower.
Oh, my God!
Oh, you bad, bad, naughty car!
Jesus.
This recalibrates your mind.
I didn't think anything could
be as exciting as that Porsche,
but this-this is.
This is brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
Oh.
What a car.
I love it.
- Well?
- This is rubbish!
I was just thinking exactly
the same about this.
- Were you?
- This was boring me to death.
It was like being stuck
in a Victorian woman's novel.
I'd rather that than being stuck in a
telephone box with a panicking gorilla.
- Rubbish.
- It was trying to kill me.
- It wants to hurt me.
- That's why I like it.
This is
a missionary-position car.
Razor blade
in the hands of a surgeon.
Sickle in the hands
of a drunk peasant.
Downton Abbey. Breaking Bad.
That's crystal meth.
That's some iffy weed.
Fine wine.
Crate of Newcy Brown.
Schooner of sherry.
Absinthe.
James Bond specifying
his martini to be shaken
not stirred.
Begbie in Trainspotting
lobbing a pint pot over
his shoulder in a night club
and starting a bar fight.
What?
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I'm here because, gentlemen,
I have in the back of that lorry
something that will make
your McLaren and your Porsche
look like lumps of yesteryear.
I cannot remember
the last time a car,
or, indeed, any sort of thing,
gave me a fizz like
the Ferrari LaFerrari.
This has 950 horsepower.
950.
More than either
of the other two.
And it's lighter.
It weighs 1.250 kilograms.
Which is less
than most hatchbacks.
Actually there is a bit more
to the Ferrari LaFerrari,
because what it has is, in
effect, a formula one KERS system.
It constantly recovers energy
that would otherwise be lost
using its electric motor
and its battery.
So as I brake there,
the car is actually saying,
"That energy, I'll have that."
Straight!
This is what 950 horsepower
feels like!
Jesus!
This I believe will absolutely
mince the other two.
Oh, man!
James was obviously
talking nonsense.
But there's no getting
around the fact
that these three cars
take automotive science
to a new level.
They use
the latest green technology
to squeeze
as much speed as possible
from every molecule of fuel.
As a result, they're
all capable of blasting
way past 200 miles an hour
whilst producing fewer harmful
emissions than a family saloon.
What we have here, then,
are three incredible machines
which, at a stroke,
have made the traditional
supercar look wooden...
and old-fashioned.
Welcome, everyone,
to the hypercar holy trinity.
In that door mirror
I have a ã1 million Porsche.
In that door mirror
I have a ã1 million Ferrari.
What a toy box today.
Sparks from Jezzer.
I don't think so, Hammond.
This could be so expensive.
It's going to boost.
Pushing the IPAS button!
And that gives me
another 170 horsepower.
Opening DRS!
Oh, my Christ!
Bloody...
And here comes May
in the Ferrari LaFerrari.
Concentrating.
Concentrating.
Oh-oh! That bloody car
is trying to kill me,
and I'm not even in it.
Ha-ha!
We could have played
out there all day,
but before we ended up
in a ã3 million crash,
we decided to start the tests
to see which
of the cars was best.
I came up with the first one,
mainly to annoy
gate-crasher May.
Let's make the first test
a drag race
- using electrical power only.
- Good idea.
- It isn't a good idea.
- Why not?
Because you can't drive the
Ferrari on electrical power only.
- No!
- Of course you can't,
because it's a KERS system
like a Formula One car.
It's got a V12 engine
and an electric motor,
but they are integrated, they work
together, you can't separate them.
- You should have thought about that, shouldn't you?
- Bad planning.
With James reduced
to the role of onlooker,
we lined up the P1 and
the 918 on the start line,
but then, instead of
revving the petrol engines,
we shut them down.
That is weird.
Preparing to start a drag race
in complete silence.
I still have two electric motors
that together produce
285 brake horsepower
which is 109 more
than the one electric motor
in his McLaren. Oh, yeah.
I'm outta here!
You've got to love that,
the immediate power
from an electrical engine.
That is 70 miles an hour
already and it isn't enough.
Who won that?
It was me, wasn't it?
Yeah, but it's not
important though, is it?
- Is it not?
- It's just not relevant.
Right, right.
In a drag race, it's irrelevant
which car gets there first?
Yeah, yours is
the better milk float.
Back in the pits, Hammond had
an idea for the next test.
We've got to drive to the hotel
yet. It's about an hour away.
It gives us a chance to see
what they're like on the road.
- That's a good point.
- Real world.
- That is a good point.
- I can't do that.
I can't drive the Ferrari
on the road.
- Why?
- It's not registered.
It is, it's got number plates.
No, that's just pretend
number plates.
If they register it,
it becomes second-hand
and they pay tax. That's
why it came in the lorry.
So you can't drive it
on the road either?
Nobody can drive it.
It's not road legal.
- Oh, no.
- Mate, that's...
- That is such a shame.
- It's an hour of-
That's really a rotten bit
of luck.
'Cause you've come a long way
from Italy.
I can't give you a lift
'cause the soundman's headphones
are on the seat and the mixer.
Oh, no.
There's literally
nothing I can do.
Soon Richard and I were enjoying
the world's
best-ever commute.
It may be a bit Spartan in here,
but it's unbelievably
comfortable.
Because it uses electronics
rather than traditional
anti-roll bars.
That means there's
no physical connection
between the wheels.
So if one goes over a bump
the others aren't affected.
It's uncanny. It's like being
in a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
It's a lovely evening.
Taken the roof panels out.
Set the air-con just so.
And I'm enjoying
a drive in the country.
Meanwhile...
Oh, bloody hell.
You're all right.
You're all right, in Italian.
Oh, God.
- James.
- What?
I'm sorry to have to say this,
but that Ferrari is useless.
Yes, yes, yes.
Later on in part two,
when these two have stopped
dreaming up
idiotic and irrelevant tests
that it can't take part in,
we shall see.
Fair enough. Now,
at this point in the show
we like to sit down
and chew the fat about new
cars and motoring issues.
Like, for example, why in Britain
we have to drive at 50 miles an hour
when they're doing roadworks to protect
the workforce which is never there.
Yes, okay...
And why fully-grown adults
have taken to riding around
the city on children's toys?
- Yes, okay.
- I think they're called bicycles.
- Is that the right word?
- It's issues like that.
It's a segment we are calling
Conversation Street.
♪♪
- Well...
- What?
We put a lot of work into that!
It was really,
really hard doing that.
Better than that, rather
brilliantly, we have made
a bespoke version of that sting
for every single episode
we're gonna make
for the next three years.
How about that?
But hold on.
The slight problem with that
is that we were
so busy doing that
we didn't think actually
of anything to talk about.
- We did.
- Yeah.
- What?
- You'll love this.
James May, the world's
slowest moving human being,
has been caught speeding.
Actually charged by the police.
Criminal.
He's actually quite proud of it.
He did it on a Honda
CBR 600RR sports bike.
The thing was...
Richard and I were
genuinely astonished.
He came into the office
and said,
"I've been done
for speeding."
Until we found out
how fast he was going.
James, how fast was it again?
37 miles an hour.
Crazy! Mad man!
How did you even breathe
at that kind of speed?
How did the police catch you?
Were they running?
Gentle jog for sure.
The thing is,
if you've been caught,
'cause we genuinely don't
believe anyone in the world has,
but if you've been caught
speeding at a speed less than 37,
do honestly please write
to us and let us know.
'Cause we don't think
it's possible.
And mark your envelope,
"I'm a tortoise."
And that is all
we have time for this week
on Conversation Street.
- Whoa! Hang on a minute.
- What?
The first-ever show,
and you just mock me
for my speeding ticket
and then we move on?
It's a busy show.
It is a busy show. We've got to
tell everyone about our track.
Yes, we have one.
This is the sort of place
where you can drive cars
at speeds that you can do
on the road
but only if you want
to go to prison afterwards.
What, like 38 miles an hour?
39 maybe even,
40 from time to time.
Now, we were hoping
that we could bring it
round the world with us
like the tent.
But unfortunately
it's too heavy,
and, as you are about to see,
too bitey.
This is it.
It's not a race circuit.
It's not an airfield.
It's not a road.
What it is
is brilliant and fast.
And extremely dangerous.
It even looks dangerous
on a map.
Because as you can see,
it's the exact same shape
as the Ebola virus.
Right, time now to show you
what a lap looks like.
To do that we've got a bit of
a performance benchmark.
A Ferrari 488.
Take it away.
Take it away.
First up,
it's the Isn't Straight,
so called because
it isn't straight.
There is a super-fast left
followed by a super-fast right.
And if you make a mistake,
there's no run-off area or Armco.
It's just woods.
Woods that are full of wildlife
which likes to run out
in front of you.
After the second right
on the Isn't Straight,
we're into
Your Name Here Corner.
Sponsorship opportunities
are available here.
However, I should explain
that it's possible nobody
will be looking at your banner
because this is a corner
that was designed
so a car can do this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
James May...
isn't here today.
That's just a friend of mine
on his way back up
the Isn't Straight...
towards Old Lady's House.
We've called this section
Old Lady's House,
because it's right next
to a house
where an old lady lives.
She tells us she likes cars.
Says she used to have one.
Not sure she's going
to like them quite so much
after we've been here
a few times.
Next up, there's a narrow
and bumpy sprint
to Sub Station.
You need to get
this 90-left right,
or you'll crash into
a cage full of electricity.
And you'll need to get the
final 90-left right as well,
or you'll run into
a field of sheep.
So, trees, animals,
a house, electricity,
and because it's in England,
usually quite a lot
of moisture in the air.
It really is the most dangerous
track anywhere in the world.
To post a fast time here,
you do need...
those.
The car I've selected
for my first lap
of the Eboladrome is this.
The BMW M2.
Sadly, there isn't the time
in this, our first-ever show,
to do a full road test
of this car,
but there is time
to say that I think
this is the best M car
BMW has ever made.
In a lot of fast cars
these days,
you get all sorts
of knobs and buttons
which you can use
to change-
I say change-
I mean ruin
the characteristics
of the engine
and the suspension
and the steering and so on.
And I always think,
isn't that like a chef
bringing a fish to your table
and an oven and some butter
and a bit of parsley,
and saying,
"Cook it yourself"? No.
You cook it,
it's what I'm paying for.
This car, happily, has a more
back-to-basics approach.
In the M2, you get a little
rocker switch down here
which does nothing at all
as far as I can see,
and that's it.
You're buying a car
which was set up at the factory
by engineers who know
what they're doing.
And all you have to do
is enjoy it.
Which I am doing.
Yes, look at this.
Oh, yeah, loving that.
I'll do that again, actually,
and make sure-
make sure I was correct.
There's hardly
any understeer at all.
Poke the back out
and hold it there.
Yeah!
I'll do that again...
only going the other way.
Wrong way round Your Name Here.
Klaus and Fritz,
I am loving your work.
Oh, I made a mess of that.
But I'll just do this,
and it'll look like
I did it on purpose.
With the tires begging
for mercy,
I got back onto the Isn't
and unleashed
365 rampaging horsepowers
from the turbo-charged
three-liter straight six.
This isn't as fast
in a straight line
as an M3, but everywhere else...
it is better.
It feels less heavy,
less cumbersome.
And due to the unique
characteristics of our straight,
I can tell the steering
is less...
It's less twitchy.
This track was designed
to trip cars up.
There are fast corners,
slow corners,
drifty corners, and bumps.
It's hard on the tires.
It's hard on the brakes.
It's hard on the engine.
It's point and squirt
and bark and yelp.
It is vicious.
But there is nothing here
which has flummoxed the M2.
This thing is
an absolute masterpiece.
Like I said,
it is the best M car
BMW has ever made.
You may think
it's mad to suggest
the cheapest M car is the best,
but look at it this way,
this track is a lot cheaper
than Silverstone.
And I know which one
I'd rather drive round.
Go drive an M2.
Unbelievable.
What?
Why is there that zigzag
at Old Lady's House?
- That wasn't there when I went.
- No, that wasn't.
But after you'd left,
we discovered there is
an unexploded Second
World War bomb, seriously,
right where the track was,
so we had to go round it.
- Fair enough.
- Let me get this right.
At our track,
there's trees, animals,
moisture, electricity,
a house, and an unexploded bomb?
Yeah. Like I said, it's the most
dangerous track in the world.
Honestly, it makes Imola
look like a duvet. Honestly.
Anyway, all the cars that
we test at the Eboladrome
will do a timed lap.
And to make sure it's a
completely level playing field,
they will all be driven
by the same racing driver.
Ooh!
We thought about this.
We gave it some thought.
How clever is that? Now...
The thing is, Amazon insisted
that the racing driver
in question
should be from this side
of the pond.
So we went to something
called NASCAR?
And we found one.
We shipped him to England
and then we introduced him
to the complicated procedure
which involves turning right.
He's called Mike Skinner,
but we know him simply as
"the American."
We should warn you
that some of his views
are quite strong.
Yes, he has very specific
views, for example,
on cars that have engines
with fewer than eight cylinders.
- Communist.
- Or more than eight cylinders.
- Communist.
- Or cars that have their engine in the middle.
Communist.
Everything that isn't American
really with a V8 is communist.
So let's see how he gets on
with the M2.
There he is.
Looking utterly bewildered.
But he's off.
A skitter of a wheel spin.
And immediately
he's onto the Isn't Straight.
There is a right there
that will have confused him.
Now a left,
he'll be good at that.
Now he can open the taps.
Three liters, six cylinders.
This thing wouldn't pull
a greasy string
out of a dog's ass.
I've literally no
idea what he's talking about.
Where I come from,
this ain't a car.
It's a cry for help.
Whatever.
He's through the final corner
on the Isn't Straight.
Into Your Name Here.
Hard on the brakes.
Grabbing the stick,
which is on the left-hand
side of where he's sitting,
and turning in.
See what I mean?
No understeer at all.
Damn tracks are narrower
than my driveway.
Yeah, that's 'cause it doesn't
have a monster truck on it.
Wonder which one of them
came up with this thing.
The tall one? The short one?
Or the one with the girly hair?
Okay, coming up
to Old Lady's House.
Hard on the brakes.
Turning in, round
the unexploded bomb,
and now opening the taps again.
No turbo lag at all,
as he hammers down
the bumpy back straight
towards Sub Station.
This is a 90-left,
new Tarmac but it held it well.
One more 90-left to go
through Field Of Sheep.
And he's done it well.
And across the line.
First one. That's good.
He's great.
He's great going
left and right. Amazing.
To make sure that the M2-
that wasn't on the lap board
all by itself,
we got the American to put
other benchmark cars-
we call them benchmark cars,
he calls them communist-
around the track,
to see what's what.
There they all are:
McLaren, Audi and so forth.
Hang on a minute.
We saw a Ferrari 488
at the track
in the film earlier on.
Why isn't that on there?
Because Ferrari
wouldn't let us time it.
- Wouldn't let us?
- No.
So the Ferrari LaFerrari
can't go on the road
- or run on electric only?
- No.
And the 488
can't do a timed lap?
Ferrari are quite tricky to
deal with from time to time.
Let's just put it that way
and move on. It's time to see
where the M2 goes on that board.
Let's have a look.
Let's put it on.
- Oh!
- Ha-ha!
Wow! Wow!
"I think it's the best M car
they've ever made."
Not my words.
"I prefer it to all the others
that are quicker than it."
- Yes, it's-
- The one you should have,
if you want one that's slower
than all the other M cars.
It's better.
It's only two seconds-
- It's quicker than a Civic.
- Yeah.
But it's slower than-
If you had a choice
of M cars, lined them up,
and said, "I'd like the
fastest", it wouldn't be that one.
- Shut up.
- Better in every single way?
- You said that.
- I don't care. Have you driven one?
- I have.
- It's fabulous.
It's a brilliant car.
It really honestly is.
It's a shame we can't take the
track round the world with us.
Because if we did, we could invite
celebrities to drive round it
and we could keep a score sheet
of who was the fastest.
No, I don't like it!
I don't like it, no.
- I don't think it would work.
- Nobody wants to watch that.
I'm not sure that they do.
Anyway, we've got a better idea,
Okay, for our celebrities.
We're calling it
Celebrity Brain Crash,
and we had a sting made
for that as well.
That is terrible.
I don't like to use this...
It's just terrible.
Who is gonna say, "I'm gonna
watch that new Amazon car show.
Henry VIII's head explodes"?
Why is there smoke coming out
of Brad Pitt's head?
What are we trying to say?
- No, we're not.
- No, we're not saying that.
Not that.
That is a terrible sting,
but the machine itself
isn't terrible at all.
It's used to measure
somebody's mental agility,
their observational skills
and their ability
to multi-task.
It's actually based on a machine
that's used
to test fighter pilots
who want to join
the Royal Air Force
which, as we all know, is the
finest and greatest air force
in the world.
What do you mean, "Boo"?
What do you mean, "Boo"? What?
If that was true, we wouldn't have to
help you every time you get in trouble.
I'll hold myself back here.
Now, hold on. You lot can
grumble as much as you like,
but we edit this show
and we're British,
so you'll just get cut out.
We're all in agreement.
That the Royal Air Force is
better than the US Air Force.
USA! USA! USA!
We're all in agreement
the Royal Air Force is better than
all the other air forces in the world.
We're all now in agreement.
The Royal Air Force is-
is the best air force
in the world.
So we're all in agreement the
Royal Air Force is quite good.
That will do. That will do.
So let's get back
to Celebrity Brain Crash
and meet our first-ever guest.
Normally on other shows,
the guest will come through
a sparkly curtain,
wave a bit and then sit down,
but not here.
Oh, yes, our guests
make a proper arrival.
And on that note,
let's meet tonight's star.
He has been in pretty much
every single movie franchise
there is
apart from Bridget Jones.
No, he was Bridget Jones.
- Was he?
- No.
But it doesn't matter.
He was in the Bourne films.
He was in the
Mission Impossible films,
the Avengers films,
and right now
he is 10.000 feet above us,
waiting to make
one hell of an entrance.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeremy Renner!
There he is. There he is,
that's his plane.
Hold on, everybody.
Here he comes.
He is ready to jump.
I'm ready!
He is ready to jump.
And there he goes!
That is amazing
to see him doing his own stunts.
Yeah, I know.
And he is looking good!
When he gets here,
I do want to talk to him
about that Bourne Legacy film.
what it was like to punch
Shane Jacobson.
And, B...
Ooh, hang on.
He's leaving this terribly late.
Right.
Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?
No, James, he's not.
It's okay, though. We
anticipated this sort of thing,
so we got
a back-up guest ready.
Uh...
He was in Man From Uncle.
He was in Lone Ranger.
He was both twins
in The Social Network.
And his new film is called
Nocturnal Animals.
We haven't had time,
unfortunately,
to organize a dramatic entrance,
but I hope you'll give him
a warm welcome nevertheless.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Armie Hammer!
There he is.
Oh, my...
Jesus!
Is that a snake?
- It's a snake.
- That's a rattlesnake.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
He's being killed.
Quiet, everyone.
Quiet, please.
There's literally
nothing we can do.
He's yards away from us.
Snakes are like herds of them.
- They hunt in packs.
- Yeah, they're pack animals.
Does that mean
he's not coming on either?
No, James, he's finished
writhing around in agony.
And now he's dead.
So that is a no.
Well, uh...
maybe there's somebody famous
in the audience.
That's unlikely.
No. Seriously,
you know Carol Vorderman?
She rang me this morning
from an air show nearby
and said,
can she come to the show?
I know you don't know
who Carol Vorderman is.
She's a huge, huge,
huge star in the UK.
She started out on
a program called Countdown
and established herself as
being unbelievably brilliant,
a fantastic mathematician
and very beautiful.
Yes, she's also dead.
What?
- What?
- She's dead.
- How did that happen?
- I don't know. I'm not a pathologist!
But she's dead is what she is.
- Seriously?
- Yes!
- Christ.
- Problem.
What are we gonna do?
Um...
Jesus, look at that out there.
It's like a-
It's just littered with corpses.
Lads, I don't think
this bit is working.
Let's drop
Celebrity Brain Crash this week.
We'll do it again in
South Africa next week,
and I think people will
have forgotten all this.
- They might not.
- I think they will.
We'll just skip over it now.
It's not gonna happen.
That's okay, 'cause we
can back to the cars.
Yes! Moving on!
- Don't look.
- Yes, don't look.
This week-
This week we are trying
to find out
which of the new breed of
hybrid hypercars is the best.
Yes. On day one
at the track in Portugal,
we established that
the McLaren P1 is a mentalist,
that the Porsche 918
is a very good milk float,
and that the Ferrari LaFerrari
can do nothing at all.
Some of that is true.
But now, day two.
We began by lining up
the three most exciting cars
on the planet
for the drag race
of all drag races.
Naturally, this meant
engaging launch control,
which in the McLaren
takes about a fortnight.
I have to have the drive tray
in track mode,
the aero package in sport mode,
so that the rear end squats
when I set off
and gives me more traction.
I have to have the DRS
button pressed with my thumb
to keep the rear wing open
which reduces drag obviously.
Launch control in the Porsche,
left foot on the brake hard.
Right foot on the throttle hard.
Light goes green, left foot
off brake. Pa-ching!
Launch button,
press for two seconds.
Left foot on brake.
Right foot on throttle.
Press launch control,
mash the throttle,
within four seconds
release the brake.
Three seconds later,
I have full boost,
and I have to set off
within three seconds
or the entire system disengages.
I'm going to get this wrong.
Just so you know.
I've got a lot to do in here.
I wasn't ready.
Oh, my God!
That is quick!
Holy mother!
Did you see that?
- me!
- Jesus Christ!
It's all over the place.
Since it was clear I'd got
all my buttons wrong,
the chaps agreed to another run.
Sit rep, the lights went green
before the boost was ready,
and I had the DRS button
still pressed
when I got to the end,
which meant I had no downforce,
which meant-
Well, poo came out.
This time I'm gonna do it
with more drag,
which will slow me down,
but I will be able to stop
without killing myself.
KERS system charged. Right.
Boost building.
Three, two...
And we are away!
What a start!
The Porsche has got off
to a flyer.
Oh, balls!
180, 190, 210.
230 kilometers an hour.
That wasn't very good.
Because James had
somehow messed up that time,
and because this test
was about the cars,
we decided to go again.
It's a rocket ship.
For England!
No, no!
Okay, we have all three
won this now.
Determined
to find a definitive
one-two-three
finishing order,
we ran again.
Another totally different
result there, gentlemen.
And again.
That's a different result again.
And again?
At this point,
we decided to call
a halt to proceedings,
because we had reached
a scientific conclusion.
It turns out it doesn't really
matter which car you buy,
it all depends on your shoes.
Now, this is a TOD loafer.
Slightly worn
to get a crisper jump
off the brake pedal,
and it's immediate.
- This is a Converse.
- There's more sponge in there than I thought.
See, Adidas, they weren't
thinking that through.
- So, as you lift your foot
up... It's a millisecond.
I know you've got KERS,
I know you've got
a 6.3-litre V12,
and I know that launch
control system is amazing,
but it's all let down
by the sponginess
of the Adidas shoe.
So they should sell you
the car and the shoes.
No, have you got the correct
shoes and have you worn them in?
- Exactly.
- Fresh shoes, lads.
- I just need to... You need
to skid about. There we go.
With that sorted,
it was time to bring in
a racing driver
to see which of our cars
could do the fastest lap.
Our resident American
said he wasn't interested,
because all three cars
are probably communist.
So instead, we went
for a Belgian chap-
...who's done Formula One
and Formula E,
Jerome d'Ambrosio.
Jerome took the cars out
to get a sense of how
they handled.
And when he'd finished,
we were interested to hear
his professional opinion.
At this point,
word reached us that Jeremy
was taking liberties
with the subtitling machine.
So we moved on to the big event:
the timed laps.
Once the mechanics had
finished their preparations,
the three speed traps
were activated.
And the Ferrari LaFerrari
took its place
on the start line.
Look how good it looks there.
This is just wasting time.
It's wasting rubber and fuel.
No, this is like
an amuse-bouche.
Yeah, it is. You have ordered
the duck and sherry trifle.
- And you're a melon ball.
- I'm not even listening.
Gentlemen, it is doing
231.4 kilometers an hour
at the end of the straight.
It's about the same speed as a
Golf diesel, something like that.
194.9.
Going down the hill
using gravity.
- Is he stopping off for shopping?
- He must be.
Here he is.
- James, if you want to get a cup of tea.
- We've warmed the track.
Next it was the turn
of the Porsche 918.
How much faster will it go
because of the stripes?
Much.
231 point...
So he's faster than the Ferrari.
183.0.
Way, way, way slower than him.
Don't forget between here
and the next measuring point,
Okay, you've got
four slow corners,
and those are the ones where the
Porsche is gonna make up time.
Because of the
four-wheel steering.
- Like a Honda Prelude?
- No!
- 110 point what?
- One.
So, almost to a tenth of a kilometer
an hour, the same speed as you.
Here he comes.
He's firing noises.
There it is.
Look at that.
Finally, it was
the turn of the psycho killer.
The trickiest,
the edgiest of the three.
But I was so confident it'd win,
I was prepared
to take a massive gamble.
If the McLaren
isn't the fastest,
you two can knock my house down.
- What?
- Knock it down.
- What, your house?
- Yeah, and I mean that.
That's how confident I am
that that will be the fastest.
- You know we will do that?
- Yeah.
- It's a serious bet?
- Yeah.
- Fine.
- If that's not the fastest,
- we can knock your house down?
- Yup.
You know where it is.
You've both been.
I'd love to knock it down.
Here we go.
A lot riding on this.
235.9.
Okay, it's fastest at the end
of the first straight.
Would you like to come
to my house for dinner?
Yes. Can I bring a bulldozer?
188.3.
That is worryingly quick.
Brisk.
It's quite brisk?
We don't know how fast it's
going around the tight turns.
Might have been doing two
kilometers an hour around here.
Where is he?
Crashed.
With that, back to the tent.
Thank you so much. Now...
I want to make it
absolutely plain,
'cause I know this matters
to anoraks,
all three cars were running on
exactly the same sort of tires.
Yes, same tires, same track,
same driver.
So the times
are down to the cars.
Yup. And now it is time
to reveal those times.
Let me just make it
absolutely clear.
We don't know what they are.
The producers have kept them
from us.
- They're top secret.
- Yup.
So, let's put the scoreboard up,
and let's begin with
the Ferrari LaFerrari,
I believe.
Let's see what it did it in,
please.
We don't know
if that's any good, do we?
Let's move on
and do the Porsche next.
What did the Porsche do it in?
Oh, yes! 1:54.2!
Yes! Yes! You see?
You said it would mince
the Porsche.
And it didn't mince it.
It was slower than the Porsche.
I told you
it's just a melon ball.
It's slower than my car,
which was faster than your car.
0.2 of a second,
and it looks better.
Yeah, it did in my mirror where
it belongs getting smaller.
It's a melon ball, and it lost.
- Hammond.
- What?
- Calm down.
- All right.
Because now we must bring up
the time that really matters.
The one where a lot's at stake.
The McLaren...
The McLaren P1.
- Are you nervous? Sure?
- No. No.
- A little bit?
- No!
- I'm not nervous.
- Why be nervous?
You could get, like,
a shopping trolley
and keep all your things in it.
Make some new friends
under a bridge somewhere.
- Hammond.
- I'd say sell your body but don't do that.
Be quiet! Let's-
Let's bring up the time
of the P1. Here we go.
- Oh, God.
- Where is it?
Yes!
That is funny.
Because you said...
the fastest,
but it's not the fastest.
It's the slowest!
Ladies and gentlemen,
journalist, broadcaster
and homeless man,
Jeremy Clarkson.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
You're not really going
to knock my house down?
Yes, we are.
- A bet is a bet.
- That's the deal.
- And we're going to film it.
- No, but the thing is,
on the tires that the
McLaren can be bought with,
it was faster.
We agreed right at the start
we'd all run on the same tires.
That was the deal
before your car lost.
So let's just...
Let's just sum this
first show up, shall we?
I've lost my house.
- We've had a fight with the audience.
- Big one.
Somebody shot our drone down.
And we've killed three
quite major celebrities.
Yeah, but on the plus side,
my Porsche was the fastest!
And on that terrible
disappointment,
I'm afraid it's time to end.
Thank you all very much
for coming.
Thank you for watching.
And we'll see you next week
in Johannesburg.
Good-bye!
♪ Oh, sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
.srt resynced, added symbols
by Dan4Jem, XI.MMXVI
newspaper headlines,
it seems that it's
the end of the road
for motoring presenter
Jeremy Clarkson...
...and said that
it's with deep regret
the decision had been taken
not to renew him.
..forecast plenty of sunshine
through today
with seasonal temperatures.
We should reach a high of about
82 degrees by this afternoon...
♪ I can see clearly now
the rain has gone ♪
♪ I can see all obstacles
in my way ♪
♪ Gone are the dark clouds
that had me blind ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Think I can make it now
the pain has gone ♪
♪ All of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪
♪ Here is the rainbow
I've been praying for ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ We're gonna make it
now the pain has gone ♪
♪ All of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪
♪ I can see clearly
now the rain has gone ♪
♪ It's gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Take it away ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh! Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Sunshiney day ♪
Hello, everybody!
Hello.
That was the Hothouse Flowers.
And now, look what we have here.
He was born-
He was born in 1836...
He was fired by Car magazine,
fired by Autocar magazine,
fired by Scotland On Sunday,
and somehow he managed
to get fired
by a Volvo dealership.
Thank you.
Probably for driving too slowly.
Ladies and gentlemen, James May!
Thank you, thank you.
You're very kind.
And, ladies and gentlemen,
you probably can't see him
from the back,
but I assure you he is here.
He was fired by Radio York,
fired by Radio Leeds,
and fired by Radio Lancashire,
it's Richard Hammond!
Hello! Hello! Thank you!
Thank you.
And, ladies and gentlemen!
Over here!
He's-He's basically
a shaved ape in a shirt.
And he, technically,
is the only one of us
never to be fired by anyone.
It's Jeremy Clarkson!
Thank you so much.
And the good thing is,
it's very unlikely
I'm going to be fired now,
because we're on the Internet,
which means
I could pleasure a horse.
No! No.
- Dog?
- No.
No pleasuring of any sort.
- There are families watching.
- Yes!
Anyway, we are all
car journalists.
And we have spent
the last 20 years...
- Being fired.
- Yes.
But we have poured
everything we know,
everything we care about,
into this show.
Everything. And coming up now
is a small montage
of what you can expect
over the next 12 weeks.
Are we ready, gentlemen?
Honestly, I don't know.
Argh!
Is that the size of the drop
or what's happened to his penis?
You're looking at magnificence.
Help! This is bad.
James says we've got
to stop for fuel.
I hate you!
He doesn't like us.
Bloody Nora!
May be leaking slightly.
What a moron.
You sunk my limousine!
I've lost one of
my nose tampons.
This is not a particularly
cultural thing to do.
I don't like the smell
of tire smoke in the evening.
Oi! Get back in!
James is falling...
Sideways in linen.
There's no dignity in that,
is there?
No.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now-Thank you.
All of that is gonna
be hosted from this.
This is our new
travelling studio tent.
Thank you so much. We're gonna
be roaming the world in it.
We're gonna be like gypsies.
Only the cars we drive
are gonna be insured.
Stop saying things
that are gonna get us fired.
But I'm just saying,
it's brilliant.
It is.
Oi! Who shot our drone?
- Did someone shoot it?
- Him.
Let's not get bogged down
in who shot what, okay?
Let's get changed
and get on with the show.
Shall we get on with the show?
Let's do it.
Thank you, everybody!
Thank you so much.
And welcome
to the first ever Grand Tour.
Thank you. Now, we hope
you like our tent.
We think the great thing is that
because it roams around the world,
we get a different view out of
the big picture windows every week.
So this week,
obviously we've got
the high desert of California.
- Next week, who knows?
- I do.
Well, yes, James, we know.
It's Johannesburg.
- Now they know.
- I know they know! It doesn't matter!
The point is the view changes
and so does the audience, okay?
This week you're all Americans.
Now, this is a bit of a problem
for people like us
who speak English.
We can converse perfectly well
in a shop or a restaurant,
but when it comes
to cars and motoring,
every single word you use
is different.
When I say "different",
I mean "wrong."
When you change gear with a
lever, what do you call that?
- Stick.
- Stick.
Now, you see, this is a stick.
Couldn't change gear with this.
Wouldn't work. What you can do
with this is point at things.
Let's see
if we can get you educated.
What do you call
this bit of a car?
- The hood!
- Bonnet.
- Bonnet.
- They're learning.
What do you mean? I know you
can wear a bonnet on your head.
It's two things. We're capable of
having those different thoughts.
- What type of vehicle
is this? - Pick-up.
No, it's stupid.
- Oh, now, hang on.
- It is stupid.
Let's do another one of these.
- What type of vehicle is this?
- Coupe.
Coupe? Coop is where
you keep your chickens.
That's a coupé.
That's a French word, I admit.
- Yeah, a bit.
- They're muddled with that.
George Bush, have you heard what
he once said about the French?
"The trouble with the French is
they have no word
for entrepreneur."
It is difficult. I think
the only thing we agree on
- is "steering wheel."
- Yeah.
But then they go and put it
on the wrong side of the car.
It must be really annoying having to
drive along like that all the time.
Why don't you just put it in
front of the driver like we do?
It's probably a good idea if
we get on with the actual show.
Yes, it is. But we had
to clear all that up,
because contrary to what
some people have been saying,
this actually is a car show.
- Well, not next week it isn't.
- Next week is an exception.
- Yeah.
- But not when we go to Barbados either.
No, Barbados is definitely
another exception.
But tonight couldn't be
more "car-y" if it tried.
I'm gonna prove that point because
we're kicking off with this.
Bear with me, bear with me-
I agree!
The thing is, though,
various supercar makers
have now taken
the polar-bear-friendly
technology from a Prius,
and they are now using it
to create raw, naked speed.
Now, I say the best
of these hybrid hypercars
is the mad,
swivel-eyed McLaren P1.
Whereas Richard Hammond,
who's wrong-
I'm not wrong.
He is, because he says the best
is actually the rather
boring Porsche 918.
- It's not boring!
- Yes, it is.
- It isn't.
- Mm-hmm.
It isn't.
Well, whatever.
We decided to meet up
with the cars
and settle this
once and for all.
The location we chose for this
titanic duel was Portugal...
specifically, the international
race track of the Algarve.
When we arrived,
mechanics from Porsche
and McLaren pounced on our cars,
fettling them for
what was to come.
And this meant Hammond and I
had some time to indulge
in a spot
of childish point scoring.
Which one of these is going to
be the fastest around this track?
- This?
- Yeah.
Apart from this one,
which will be faster.
It won't. Which one do you
think will be the fastest?
- This one.
- This one.
Porsche think the Porsche will be
fastest. McLaren say the McLaren.
How much is it
if I wanted to buy one?
I think one was sold in
an auction for 1.8 million.
1.8 million dollars.
Hammond, how much is yours?
838 euros.
- Thousand I'm guessing?
- Yes. It is thousands.
Why has your car
got a number on the side?
It's the Weissach edition,
this one.
- You also get titanium chassis bolts.
- Stupid.
For just an extra ã60.000.
And a carbon-fiber
bonnet strut.
Look at that.
How much does that save?
- About 100 grams.
- Right there, 100 grams.
Has the McLaren got
a carbon-fiber bonnet strut?
- Doesn't need one.
- No, because my bonnet doesn't go up
because it will never
break down.
And it's got silly doors.
Proper doors, silly doors.
Mine does 34 miles
to the gallon.
This does 94.
- 94 miles to the gallon?
- 94mpg.
Just remind me,
Porsche is owned by?
That'll be Volkswagen.
Soon the McLaren and the Porsche
were ready for some shakedown laps.
And for these we decided
we'd drive each other's cars.
Straight away, I can tell you
that this doesn't have
the brutality or the savagery
of the McLaren.
Because it has rear-wheel
steering and four-wheel drive,
it feels secure and safe.
And that gives you
the confidence-
...to play about.
If I went round this corner
this fast in the McLaren...
...a lot of poo would come out.
Whoa! There's poo
coming out now!
Jesus.
It's spinning its
wheels in sixth!
This is frightening,
that's what it is.
Whoa! More poo.
I didn't think it was possible
to shit yourself to death.
The grip is genuinely
incredible.
Oh, there you go.
In the savage
and unforgiving P1,
my nerves were shot to pieces.
But I, too, was falling in love.
903 horsepower.
Oh, my God!
Oh, you bad, bad, naughty car!
Jesus.
This recalibrates your mind.
I didn't think anything could
be as exciting as that Porsche,
but this-this is.
This is brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
Oh.
What a car.
I love it.
- Well?
- This is rubbish!
I was just thinking exactly
the same about this.
- Were you?
- This was boring me to death.
It was like being stuck
in a Victorian woman's novel.
I'd rather that than being stuck in a
telephone box with a panicking gorilla.
- Rubbish.
- It was trying to kill me.
- It wants to hurt me.
- That's why I like it.
This is
a missionary-position car.
Razor blade
in the hands of a surgeon.
Sickle in the hands
of a drunk peasant.
Downton Abbey. Breaking Bad.
That's crystal meth.
That's some iffy weed.
Fine wine.
Crate of Newcy Brown.
Schooner of sherry.
Absinthe.
James Bond specifying
his martini to be shaken
not stirred.
Begbie in Trainspotting
lobbing a pint pot over
his shoulder in a night club
and starting a bar fight.
What?
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I'm here because, gentlemen,
I have in the back of that lorry
something that will make
your McLaren and your Porsche
look like lumps of yesteryear.
I cannot remember
the last time a car,
or, indeed, any sort of thing,
gave me a fizz like
the Ferrari LaFerrari.
This has 950 horsepower.
950.
More than either
of the other two.
And it's lighter.
It weighs 1.250 kilograms.
Which is less
than most hatchbacks.
Actually there is a bit more
to the Ferrari LaFerrari,
because what it has is, in
effect, a formula one KERS system.
It constantly recovers energy
that would otherwise be lost
using its electric motor
and its battery.
So as I brake there,
the car is actually saying,
"That energy, I'll have that."
Straight!
This is what 950 horsepower
feels like!
Jesus!
This I believe will absolutely
mince the other two.
Oh, man!
James was obviously
talking nonsense.
But there's no getting
around the fact
that these three cars
take automotive science
to a new level.
They use
the latest green technology
to squeeze
as much speed as possible
from every molecule of fuel.
As a result, they're
all capable of blasting
way past 200 miles an hour
whilst producing fewer harmful
emissions than a family saloon.
What we have here, then,
are three incredible machines
which, at a stroke,
have made the traditional
supercar look wooden...
and old-fashioned.
Welcome, everyone,
to the hypercar holy trinity.
In that door mirror
I have a ã1 million Porsche.
In that door mirror
I have a ã1 million Ferrari.
What a toy box today.
Sparks from Jezzer.
I don't think so, Hammond.
This could be so expensive.
It's going to boost.
Pushing the IPAS button!
And that gives me
another 170 horsepower.
Opening DRS!
Oh, my Christ!
Bloody...
And here comes May
in the Ferrari LaFerrari.
Concentrating.
Concentrating.
Oh-oh! That bloody car
is trying to kill me,
and I'm not even in it.
Ha-ha!
We could have played
out there all day,
but before we ended up
in a ã3 million crash,
we decided to start the tests
to see which
of the cars was best.
I came up with the first one,
mainly to annoy
gate-crasher May.
Let's make the first test
a drag race
- using electrical power only.
- Good idea.
- It isn't a good idea.
- Why not?
Because you can't drive the
Ferrari on electrical power only.
- No!
- Of course you can't,
because it's a KERS system
like a Formula One car.
It's got a V12 engine
and an electric motor,
but they are integrated, they work
together, you can't separate them.
- You should have thought about that, shouldn't you?
- Bad planning.
With James reduced
to the role of onlooker,
we lined up the P1 and
the 918 on the start line,
but then, instead of
revving the petrol engines,
we shut them down.
That is weird.
Preparing to start a drag race
in complete silence.
I still have two electric motors
that together produce
285 brake horsepower
which is 109 more
than the one electric motor
in his McLaren. Oh, yeah.
I'm outta here!
You've got to love that,
the immediate power
from an electrical engine.
That is 70 miles an hour
already and it isn't enough.
Who won that?
It was me, wasn't it?
Yeah, but it's not
important though, is it?
- Is it not?
- It's just not relevant.
Right, right.
In a drag race, it's irrelevant
which car gets there first?
Yeah, yours is
the better milk float.
Back in the pits, Hammond had
an idea for the next test.
We've got to drive to the hotel
yet. It's about an hour away.
It gives us a chance to see
what they're like on the road.
- That's a good point.
- Real world.
- That is a good point.
- I can't do that.
I can't drive the Ferrari
on the road.
- Why?
- It's not registered.
It is, it's got number plates.
No, that's just pretend
number plates.
If they register it,
it becomes second-hand
and they pay tax. That's
why it came in the lorry.
So you can't drive it
on the road either?
Nobody can drive it.
It's not road legal.
- Oh, no.
- Mate, that's...
- That is such a shame.
- It's an hour of-
That's really a rotten bit
of luck.
'Cause you've come a long way
from Italy.
I can't give you a lift
'cause the soundman's headphones
are on the seat and the mixer.
Oh, no.
There's literally
nothing I can do.
Soon Richard and I were enjoying
the world's
best-ever commute.
It may be a bit Spartan in here,
but it's unbelievably
comfortable.
Because it uses electronics
rather than traditional
anti-roll bars.
That means there's
no physical connection
between the wheels.
So if one goes over a bump
the others aren't affected.
It's uncanny. It's like being
in a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
It's a lovely evening.
Taken the roof panels out.
Set the air-con just so.
And I'm enjoying
a drive in the country.
Meanwhile...
Oh, bloody hell.
You're all right.
You're all right, in Italian.
Oh, God.
- James.
- What?
I'm sorry to have to say this,
but that Ferrari is useless.
Yes, yes, yes.
Later on in part two,
when these two have stopped
dreaming up
idiotic and irrelevant tests
that it can't take part in,
we shall see.
Fair enough. Now,
at this point in the show
we like to sit down
and chew the fat about new
cars and motoring issues.
Like, for example, why in Britain
we have to drive at 50 miles an hour
when they're doing roadworks to protect
the workforce which is never there.
Yes, okay...
And why fully-grown adults
have taken to riding around
the city on children's toys?
- Yes, okay.
- I think they're called bicycles.
- Is that the right word?
- It's issues like that.
It's a segment we are calling
Conversation Street.
♪♪
- Well...
- What?
We put a lot of work into that!
It was really,
really hard doing that.
Better than that, rather
brilliantly, we have made
a bespoke version of that sting
for every single episode
we're gonna make
for the next three years.
How about that?
But hold on.
The slight problem with that
is that we were
so busy doing that
we didn't think actually
of anything to talk about.
- We did.
- Yeah.
- What?
- You'll love this.
James May, the world's
slowest moving human being,
has been caught speeding.
Actually charged by the police.
Criminal.
He's actually quite proud of it.
He did it on a Honda
CBR 600RR sports bike.
The thing was...
Richard and I were
genuinely astonished.
He came into the office
and said,
"I've been done
for speeding."
Until we found out
how fast he was going.
James, how fast was it again?
37 miles an hour.
Crazy! Mad man!
How did you even breathe
at that kind of speed?
How did the police catch you?
Were they running?
Gentle jog for sure.
The thing is,
if you've been caught,
'cause we genuinely don't
believe anyone in the world has,
but if you've been caught
speeding at a speed less than 37,
do honestly please write
to us and let us know.
'Cause we don't think
it's possible.
And mark your envelope,
"I'm a tortoise."
And that is all
we have time for this week
on Conversation Street.
- Whoa! Hang on a minute.
- What?
The first-ever show,
and you just mock me
for my speeding ticket
and then we move on?
It's a busy show.
It is a busy show. We've got to
tell everyone about our track.
Yes, we have one.
This is the sort of place
where you can drive cars
at speeds that you can do
on the road
but only if you want
to go to prison afterwards.
What, like 38 miles an hour?
39 maybe even,
40 from time to time.
Now, we were hoping
that we could bring it
round the world with us
like the tent.
But unfortunately
it's too heavy,
and, as you are about to see,
too bitey.
This is it.
It's not a race circuit.
It's not an airfield.
It's not a road.
What it is
is brilliant and fast.
And extremely dangerous.
It even looks dangerous
on a map.
Because as you can see,
it's the exact same shape
as the Ebola virus.
Right, time now to show you
what a lap looks like.
To do that we've got a bit of
a performance benchmark.
A Ferrari 488.
Take it away.
Take it away.
First up,
it's the Isn't Straight,
so called because
it isn't straight.
There is a super-fast left
followed by a super-fast right.
And if you make a mistake,
there's no run-off area or Armco.
It's just woods.
Woods that are full of wildlife
which likes to run out
in front of you.
After the second right
on the Isn't Straight,
we're into
Your Name Here Corner.
Sponsorship opportunities
are available here.
However, I should explain
that it's possible nobody
will be looking at your banner
because this is a corner
that was designed
so a car can do this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
James May...
isn't here today.
That's just a friend of mine
on his way back up
the Isn't Straight...
towards Old Lady's House.
We've called this section
Old Lady's House,
because it's right next
to a house
where an old lady lives.
She tells us she likes cars.
Says she used to have one.
Not sure she's going
to like them quite so much
after we've been here
a few times.
Next up, there's a narrow
and bumpy sprint
to Sub Station.
You need to get
this 90-left right,
or you'll crash into
a cage full of electricity.
And you'll need to get the
final 90-left right as well,
or you'll run into
a field of sheep.
So, trees, animals,
a house, electricity,
and because it's in England,
usually quite a lot
of moisture in the air.
It really is the most dangerous
track anywhere in the world.
To post a fast time here,
you do need...
those.
The car I've selected
for my first lap
of the Eboladrome is this.
The BMW M2.
Sadly, there isn't the time
in this, our first-ever show,
to do a full road test
of this car,
but there is time
to say that I think
this is the best M car
BMW has ever made.
In a lot of fast cars
these days,
you get all sorts
of knobs and buttons
which you can use
to change-
I say change-
I mean ruin
the characteristics
of the engine
and the suspension
and the steering and so on.
And I always think,
isn't that like a chef
bringing a fish to your table
and an oven and some butter
and a bit of parsley,
and saying,
"Cook it yourself"? No.
You cook it,
it's what I'm paying for.
This car, happily, has a more
back-to-basics approach.
In the M2, you get a little
rocker switch down here
which does nothing at all
as far as I can see,
and that's it.
You're buying a car
which was set up at the factory
by engineers who know
what they're doing.
And all you have to do
is enjoy it.
Which I am doing.
Yes, look at this.
Oh, yeah, loving that.
I'll do that again, actually,
and make sure-
make sure I was correct.
There's hardly
any understeer at all.
Poke the back out
and hold it there.
Yeah!
I'll do that again...
only going the other way.
Wrong way round Your Name Here.
Klaus and Fritz,
I am loving your work.
Oh, I made a mess of that.
But I'll just do this,
and it'll look like
I did it on purpose.
With the tires begging
for mercy,
I got back onto the Isn't
and unleashed
365 rampaging horsepowers
from the turbo-charged
three-liter straight six.
This isn't as fast
in a straight line
as an M3, but everywhere else...
it is better.
It feels less heavy,
less cumbersome.
And due to the unique
characteristics of our straight,
I can tell the steering
is less...
It's less twitchy.
This track was designed
to trip cars up.
There are fast corners,
slow corners,
drifty corners, and bumps.
It's hard on the tires.
It's hard on the brakes.
It's hard on the engine.
It's point and squirt
and bark and yelp.
It is vicious.
But there is nothing here
which has flummoxed the M2.
This thing is
an absolute masterpiece.
Like I said,
it is the best M car
BMW has ever made.
You may think
it's mad to suggest
the cheapest M car is the best,
but look at it this way,
this track is a lot cheaper
than Silverstone.
And I know which one
I'd rather drive round.
Go drive an M2.
Unbelievable.
What?
Why is there that zigzag
at Old Lady's House?
- That wasn't there when I went.
- No, that wasn't.
But after you'd left,
we discovered there is
an unexploded Second
World War bomb, seriously,
right where the track was,
so we had to go round it.
- Fair enough.
- Let me get this right.
At our track,
there's trees, animals,
moisture, electricity,
a house, and an unexploded bomb?
Yeah. Like I said, it's the most
dangerous track in the world.
Honestly, it makes Imola
look like a duvet. Honestly.
Anyway, all the cars that
we test at the Eboladrome
will do a timed lap.
And to make sure it's a
completely level playing field,
they will all be driven
by the same racing driver.
Ooh!
We thought about this.
We gave it some thought.
How clever is that? Now...
The thing is, Amazon insisted
that the racing driver
in question
should be from this side
of the pond.
So we went to something
called NASCAR?
And we found one.
We shipped him to England
and then we introduced him
to the complicated procedure
which involves turning right.
He's called Mike Skinner,
but we know him simply as
"the American."
We should warn you
that some of his views
are quite strong.
Yes, he has very specific
views, for example,
on cars that have engines
with fewer than eight cylinders.
- Communist.
- Or more than eight cylinders.
- Communist.
- Or cars that have their engine in the middle.
Communist.
Everything that isn't American
really with a V8 is communist.
So let's see how he gets on
with the M2.
There he is.
Looking utterly bewildered.
But he's off.
A skitter of a wheel spin.
And immediately
he's onto the Isn't Straight.
There is a right there
that will have confused him.
Now a left,
he'll be good at that.
Now he can open the taps.
Three liters, six cylinders.
This thing wouldn't pull
a greasy string
out of a dog's ass.
I've literally no
idea what he's talking about.
Where I come from,
this ain't a car.
It's a cry for help.
Whatever.
He's through the final corner
on the Isn't Straight.
Into Your Name Here.
Hard on the brakes.
Grabbing the stick,
which is on the left-hand
side of where he's sitting,
and turning in.
See what I mean?
No understeer at all.
Damn tracks are narrower
than my driveway.
Yeah, that's 'cause it doesn't
have a monster truck on it.
Wonder which one of them
came up with this thing.
The tall one? The short one?
Or the one with the girly hair?
Okay, coming up
to Old Lady's House.
Hard on the brakes.
Turning in, round
the unexploded bomb,
and now opening the taps again.
No turbo lag at all,
as he hammers down
the bumpy back straight
towards Sub Station.
This is a 90-left,
new Tarmac but it held it well.
One more 90-left to go
through Field Of Sheep.
And he's done it well.
And across the line.
First one. That's good.
He's great.
He's great going
left and right. Amazing.
To make sure that the M2-
that wasn't on the lap board
all by itself,
we got the American to put
other benchmark cars-
we call them benchmark cars,
he calls them communist-
around the track,
to see what's what.
There they all are:
McLaren, Audi and so forth.
Hang on a minute.
We saw a Ferrari 488
at the track
in the film earlier on.
Why isn't that on there?
Because Ferrari
wouldn't let us time it.
- Wouldn't let us?
- No.
So the Ferrari LaFerrari
can't go on the road
- or run on electric only?
- No.
And the 488
can't do a timed lap?
Ferrari are quite tricky to
deal with from time to time.
Let's just put it that way
and move on. It's time to see
where the M2 goes on that board.
Let's have a look.
Let's put it on.
- Oh!
- Ha-ha!
Wow! Wow!
"I think it's the best M car
they've ever made."
Not my words.
"I prefer it to all the others
that are quicker than it."
- Yes, it's-
- The one you should have,
if you want one that's slower
than all the other M cars.
It's better.
It's only two seconds-
- It's quicker than a Civic.
- Yeah.
But it's slower than-
If you had a choice
of M cars, lined them up,
and said, "I'd like the
fastest", it wouldn't be that one.
- Shut up.
- Better in every single way?
- You said that.
- I don't care. Have you driven one?
- I have.
- It's fabulous.
It's a brilliant car.
It really honestly is.
It's a shame we can't take the
track round the world with us.
Because if we did, we could invite
celebrities to drive round it
and we could keep a score sheet
of who was the fastest.
No, I don't like it!
I don't like it, no.
- I don't think it would work.
- Nobody wants to watch that.
I'm not sure that they do.
Anyway, we've got a better idea,
Okay, for our celebrities.
We're calling it
Celebrity Brain Crash,
and we had a sting made
for that as well.
That is terrible.
I don't like to use this...
It's just terrible.
Who is gonna say, "I'm gonna
watch that new Amazon car show.
Henry VIII's head explodes"?
Why is there smoke coming out
of Brad Pitt's head?
What are we trying to say?
- No, we're not.
- No, we're not saying that.
Not that.
That is a terrible sting,
but the machine itself
isn't terrible at all.
It's used to measure
somebody's mental agility,
their observational skills
and their ability
to multi-task.
It's actually based on a machine
that's used
to test fighter pilots
who want to join
the Royal Air Force
which, as we all know, is the
finest and greatest air force
in the world.
What do you mean, "Boo"?
What do you mean, "Boo"? What?
If that was true, we wouldn't have to
help you every time you get in trouble.
I'll hold myself back here.
Now, hold on. You lot can
grumble as much as you like,
but we edit this show
and we're British,
so you'll just get cut out.
We're all in agreement.
That the Royal Air Force is
better than the US Air Force.
USA! USA! USA!
We're all in agreement
the Royal Air Force is better than
all the other air forces in the world.
We're all now in agreement.
The Royal Air Force is-
is the best air force
in the world.
So we're all in agreement the
Royal Air Force is quite good.
That will do. That will do.
So let's get back
to Celebrity Brain Crash
and meet our first-ever guest.
Normally on other shows,
the guest will come through
a sparkly curtain,
wave a bit and then sit down,
but not here.
Oh, yes, our guests
make a proper arrival.
And on that note,
let's meet tonight's star.
He has been in pretty much
every single movie franchise
there is
apart from Bridget Jones.
No, he was Bridget Jones.
- Was he?
- No.
But it doesn't matter.
He was in the Bourne films.
He was in the
Mission Impossible films,
the Avengers films,
and right now
he is 10.000 feet above us,
waiting to make
one hell of an entrance.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeremy Renner!
There he is. There he is,
that's his plane.
Hold on, everybody.
Here he comes.
He is ready to jump.
I'm ready!
He is ready to jump.
And there he goes!
That is amazing
to see him doing his own stunts.
Yeah, I know.
And he is looking good!
When he gets here,
I do want to talk to him
about that Bourne Legacy film.
what it was like to punch
Shane Jacobson.
And, B...
Ooh, hang on.
He's leaving this terribly late.
Right.
Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?
No, James, he's not.
It's okay, though. We
anticipated this sort of thing,
so we got
a back-up guest ready.
Uh...
He was in Man From Uncle.
He was in Lone Ranger.
He was both twins
in The Social Network.
And his new film is called
Nocturnal Animals.
We haven't had time,
unfortunately,
to organize a dramatic entrance,
but I hope you'll give him
a warm welcome nevertheless.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Armie Hammer!
There he is.
Oh, my...
Jesus!
Is that a snake?
- It's a snake.
- That's a rattlesnake.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
He's being killed.
Quiet, everyone.
Quiet, please.
There's literally
nothing we can do.
He's yards away from us.
Snakes are like herds of them.
- They hunt in packs.
- Yeah, they're pack animals.
Does that mean
he's not coming on either?
No, James, he's finished
writhing around in agony.
And now he's dead.
So that is a no.
Well, uh...
maybe there's somebody famous
in the audience.
That's unlikely.
No. Seriously,
you know Carol Vorderman?
She rang me this morning
from an air show nearby
and said,
can she come to the show?
I know you don't know
who Carol Vorderman is.
She's a huge, huge,
huge star in the UK.
She started out on
a program called Countdown
and established herself as
being unbelievably brilliant,
a fantastic mathematician
and very beautiful.
Yes, she's also dead.
What?
- What?
- She's dead.
- How did that happen?
- I don't know. I'm not a pathologist!
But she's dead is what she is.
- Seriously?
- Yes!
- Christ.
- Problem.
What are we gonna do?
Um...
Jesus, look at that out there.
It's like a-
It's just littered with corpses.
Lads, I don't think
this bit is working.
Let's drop
Celebrity Brain Crash this week.
We'll do it again in
South Africa next week,
and I think people will
have forgotten all this.
- They might not.
- I think they will.
We'll just skip over it now.
It's not gonna happen.
That's okay, 'cause we
can back to the cars.
Yes! Moving on!
- Don't look.
- Yes, don't look.
This week-
This week we are trying
to find out
which of the new breed of
hybrid hypercars is the best.
Yes. On day one
at the track in Portugal,
we established that
the McLaren P1 is a mentalist,
that the Porsche 918
is a very good milk float,
and that the Ferrari LaFerrari
can do nothing at all.
Some of that is true.
But now, day two.
We began by lining up
the three most exciting cars
on the planet
for the drag race
of all drag races.
Naturally, this meant
engaging launch control,
which in the McLaren
takes about a fortnight.
I have to have the drive tray
in track mode,
the aero package in sport mode,
so that the rear end squats
when I set off
and gives me more traction.
I have to have the DRS
button pressed with my thumb
to keep the rear wing open
which reduces drag obviously.
Launch control in the Porsche,
left foot on the brake hard.
Right foot on the throttle hard.
Light goes green, left foot
off brake. Pa-ching!
Launch button,
press for two seconds.
Left foot on brake.
Right foot on throttle.
Press launch control,
mash the throttle,
within four seconds
release the brake.
Three seconds later,
I have full boost,
and I have to set off
within three seconds
or the entire system disengages.
I'm going to get this wrong.
Just so you know.
I've got a lot to do in here.
I wasn't ready.
Oh, my God!
That is quick!
Holy mother!
Did you see that?
- me!
- Jesus Christ!
It's all over the place.
Since it was clear I'd got
all my buttons wrong,
the chaps agreed to another run.
Sit rep, the lights went green
before the boost was ready,
and I had the DRS button
still pressed
when I got to the end,
which meant I had no downforce,
which meant-
Well, poo came out.
This time I'm gonna do it
with more drag,
which will slow me down,
but I will be able to stop
without killing myself.
KERS system charged. Right.
Boost building.
Three, two...
And we are away!
What a start!
The Porsche has got off
to a flyer.
Oh, balls!
180, 190, 210.
230 kilometers an hour.
That wasn't very good.
Because James had
somehow messed up that time,
and because this test
was about the cars,
we decided to go again.
It's a rocket ship.
For England!
No, no!
Okay, we have all three
won this now.
Determined
to find a definitive
one-two-three
finishing order,
we ran again.
Another totally different
result there, gentlemen.
And again.
That's a different result again.
And again?
At this point,
we decided to call
a halt to proceedings,
because we had reached
a scientific conclusion.
It turns out it doesn't really
matter which car you buy,
it all depends on your shoes.
Now, this is a TOD loafer.
Slightly worn
to get a crisper jump
off the brake pedal,
and it's immediate.
- This is a Converse.
- There's more sponge in there than I thought.
See, Adidas, they weren't
thinking that through.
- So, as you lift your foot
up... It's a millisecond.
I know you've got KERS,
I know you've got
a 6.3-litre V12,
and I know that launch
control system is amazing,
but it's all let down
by the sponginess
of the Adidas shoe.
So they should sell you
the car and the shoes.
No, have you got the correct
shoes and have you worn them in?
- Exactly.
- Fresh shoes, lads.
- I just need to... You need
to skid about. There we go.
With that sorted,
it was time to bring in
a racing driver
to see which of our cars
could do the fastest lap.
Our resident American
said he wasn't interested,
because all three cars
are probably communist.
So instead, we went
for a Belgian chap-
...who's done Formula One
and Formula E,
Jerome d'Ambrosio.
Jerome took the cars out
to get a sense of how
they handled.
And when he'd finished,
we were interested to hear
his professional opinion.
At this point,
word reached us that Jeremy
was taking liberties
with the subtitling machine.
So we moved on to the big event:
the timed laps.
Once the mechanics had
finished their preparations,
the three speed traps
were activated.
And the Ferrari LaFerrari
took its place
on the start line.
Look how good it looks there.
This is just wasting time.
It's wasting rubber and fuel.
No, this is like
an amuse-bouche.
Yeah, it is. You have ordered
the duck and sherry trifle.
- And you're a melon ball.
- I'm not even listening.
Gentlemen, it is doing
231.4 kilometers an hour
at the end of the straight.
It's about the same speed as a
Golf diesel, something like that.
194.9.
Going down the hill
using gravity.
- Is he stopping off for shopping?
- He must be.
Here he is.
- James, if you want to get a cup of tea.
- We've warmed the track.
Next it was the turn
of the Porsche 918.
How much faster will it go
because of the stripes?
Much.
231 point...
So he's faster than the Ferrari.
183.0.
Way, way, way slower than him.
Don't forget between here
and the next measuring point,
Okay, you've got
four slow corners,
and those are the ones where the
Porsche is gonna make up time.
Because of the
four-wheel steering.
- Like a Honda Prelude?
- No!
- 110 point what?
- One.
So, almost to a tenth of a kilometer
an hour, the same speed as you.
Here he comes.
He's firing noises.
There it is.
Look at that.
Finally, it was
the turn of the psycho killer.
The trickiest,
the edgiest of the three.
But I was so confident it'd win,
I was prepared
to take a massive gamble.
If the McLaren
isn't the fastest,
you two can knock my house down.
- What?
- Knock it down.
- What, your house?
- Yeah, and I mean that.
That's how confident I am
that that will be the fastest.
- You know we will do that?
- Yeah.
- It's a serious bet?
- Yeah.
- Fine.
- If that's not the fastest,
- we can knock your house down?
- Yup.
You know where it is.
You've both been.
I'd love to knock it down.
Here we go.
A lot riding on this.
235.9.
Okay, it's fastest at the end
of the first straight.
Would you like to come
to my house for dinner?
Yes. Can I bring a bulldozer?
188.3.
That is worryingly quick.
Brisk.
It's quite brisk?
We don't know how fast it's
going around the tight turns.
Might have been doing two
kilometers an hour around here.
Where is he?
Crashed.
With that, back to the tent.
Thank you so much. Now...
I want to make it
absolutely plain,
'cause I know this matters
to anoraks,
all three cars were running on
exactly the same sort of tires.
Yes, same tires, same track,
same driver.
So the times
are down to the cars.
Yup. And now it is time
to reveal those times.
Let me just make it
absolutely clear.
We don't know what they are.
The producers have kept them
from us.
- They're top secret.
- Yup.
So, let's put the scoreboard up,
and let's begin with
the Ferrari LaFerrari,
I believe.
Let's see what it did it in,
please.
We don't know
if that's any good, do we?
Let's move on
and do the Porsche next.
What did the Porsche do it in?
Oh, yes! 1:54.2!
Yes! Yes! You see?
You said it would mince
the Porsche.
And it didn't mince it.
It was slower than the Porsche.
I told you
it's just a melon ball.
It's slower than my car,
which was faster than your car.
0.2 of a second,
and it looks better.
Yeah, it did in my mirror where
it belongs getting smaller.
It's a melon ball, and it lost.
- Hammond.
- What?
- Calm down.
- All right.
Because now we must bring up
the time that really matters.
The one where a lot's at stake.
The McLaren...
The McLaren P1.
- Are you nervous? Sure?
- No. No.
- A little bit?
- No!
- I'm not nervous.
- Why be nervous?
You could get, like,
a shopping trolley
and keep all your things in it.
Make some new friends
under a bridge somewhere.
- Hammond.
- I'd say sell your body but don't do that.
Be quiet! Let's-
Let's bring up the time
of the P1. Here we go.
- Oh, God.
- Where is it?
Yes!
That is funny.
Because you said...
the fastest,
but it's not the fastest.
It's the slowest!
Ladies and gentlemen,
journalist, broadcaster
and homeless man,
Jeremy Clarkson.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
You're not really going
to knock my house down?
Yes, we are.
- A bet is a bet.
- That's the deal.
- And we're going to film it.
- No, but the thing is,
on the tires that the
McLaren can be bought with,
it was faster.
We agreed right at the start
we'd all run on the same tires.
That was the deal
before your car lost.
So let's just...
Let's just sum this
first show up, shall we?
I've lost my house.
- We've had a fight with the audience.
- Big one.
Somebody shot our drone down.
And we've killed three
quite major celebrities.
Yeah, but on the plus side,
my Porsche was the fastest!
And on that terrible
disappointment,
I'm afraid it's time to end.
Thank you all very much
for coming.
Thank you for watching.
And we'll see you next week
in Johannesburg.
Good-bye!
♪ Oh, sunshiney day ♪
♪ Gonna be a bright
sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
♪ Bright sunshiney day ♪
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by Dan4Jem, XI.MMXVI