The Good Place (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Ballad of Donkey Doug - full transcript
Jason visits with some people from his past while Chidi gets help in resolving a problem.
What the hell is that?
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Oh! Hey, guys.
What are you doing down here?
Well, we came to get more champagne
which is right behind... that magic door.
- What door?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?
Who are you, and why were you
talking about us?
And what's the "good place,"
and what are "afterlife points"
and who has the most and... is it me?
Wait a second, I know this guy!
You're Zack Pizazz!
He got me here from Jacksonville.
No, this is the librarian,
from the University.
Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo,
a very rude Silicon Valley investor.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Alright, guys.
I can explain everything.
Just give me one second, OK?
How do we get out of this?
Well, they heard us explaining
the entire system of the afterlife
and they saw an interdimensional door
open and close, so...
not a ton of wiggle room here.
But, you're forgetting one crucial piece
of information.
Right?
I mean, you're forgetting one crucial piece
of information, that'll save us?
Yo! Buddy! You have like three seconds
to explain this crazy space door
or Chidi here is gonna beat you up!
- Yes!
- Oh, no... I'm... I'm... I'm not
but I would like to know
about the space door.
Alright. I don't know what choice we have.
I'll tell you the truth.
My name is Special Agent Rick Justice.
And this is Lisa "Frenchy" Fuqua.
We're with the FBI,
and all of you are in grave danger.
I knew it.
Agent Fuqua and I are...
paranormal investigators.
We're here to protect you from...
demons. No, wait, that's real... um...
ghouls... ghouls!
We're here to protect you from ghouls.
Now I had to appear...
in different disguises to keep tabs on you
but you are all involved together...
in this FBI case.
ELEANOR SNIGGERS
- No, we can... we can... prove this.
We have detailed files on all of you.
- Ask Janet anything.
- JANET GASPS
- Who's Janet?
- "Frenchy".
JANET WHISPERS: Frenchy.
- HE SCOFFS: Sorry...
"Frenchy's" nickname is Janet.
I thought her nickname was "Frenchy".
It is.
That's why they call her...
- Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.
- Mm-hm.
OK. Guys, I used to work at a place
that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently.
I know a Fed when I see one
and these two "jamokes" are not FBI, OK?
Who are you?
- Really.
- Fine, fine, fine.
- Just give me one more second.
- One.
- Serious question?
- Yep?
- Should we kill them?
- What?
It might work!
We kill them, go back through the door
somehow grab them
before they get to the Bad Place
and regroup from there.
I could kill them right now.
And you know, it would be easy.
Their bodies are very poorly made.
They're mostly goo and juice.
You just take the juice out
and then they're dead.
Michael...
they've seen through the door
into the afterlife
and they heard how it works.
SHE SIGHS
It's over.
Ah...
Fine.
Guess, I'll start at the beginning.
You all died.
Well, this sucks.
So, to sum up...
there is a heaven and hell
we've been to hell and...
now, no matter how good we are
for the rest of our lives
we're going back to hell.
Again, it's not the classic
Christian "hell", but...
that's the gist, yes.
As soon as you learned about the afterlife
your motivation to be good was corrupted...
so you can't earn points anymore.
So sorry for eternally dooming you.
And that's our bad, guys.
So, all the attempts you made to...
torture us, we must have been
in the afterlife for a hundred years.
Almost three hundred, actually.
Well, how is it possible that all these
things happened to us
but no time passed on Earth?
Did you go back in time to save us?
Uh, I didn't have to
because of "Jeremy Bearimy".
Who's Jeremy Bearimy?
OK, things in the afterlife don't happen
"while" things are happening here
because while time on Earth moves
in a straight line
one thing happens, then the next,
then the next...
Time in the afterlife moves
in a "Jeremy Bearimy."
What?
The afterlife time doubles back and loops
around and ends up looking something, like...
"Jeremy Bearimy".
This is the timeline in the afterlife.
Happens to kinda look like the name
"Jeremy Bearimy" in cursive English
so that's what we call it.
Sorry, I'm... my brain is melting.
How can events happen before
the ones that happened... before?
Just the way it works. It's...
it's "Jeremy Bearimy."
I don't know what to tell you.
That's the easiest way to describe it.
OK, but, um...
what the hell is this?
The dot over the "I".
- The hell is that?
- OK, um...
how do I explain this concisely?
This is Tuesdays...
- and also July.
- And sometimes it's never.
That's true.
Occasionally, that moment...
on the "Bearimy" timeline
is the time-moment
when nothing "never" occurs.
So...
you get it?
This broke me, uh...
The dot over the "I".
That broke me, I'm...
I'm done.
You know what?
I'm glad this whole thing happened
because now I can go back to living
my life the way I used to
only caring about myself,
because being good is pointless.
- No, no. Ah, please, Eleanor, just...
- No, thank you. I'm outtie.
See ya in hell.
SHE GASPS
You know what I just realised?
I always say that when leaving a room
but right now, it's accurate!
I will literally see all of you in hell!
Not if I see you first!
Let's go, Jason.
No, no, look, look!
You guys, this is not over!
We have to stay together.
Look, we'll figure something out!
Like, just one idea I had,
I could kill all of you!
That's my birthday.
Hey, buddy, it's my birthday.
One free margarita please!
Well, happy birthday!
- Can I just see some ID?
- No.
- Why not?
- Well, because it's not really my birthday,
I just want a free margarita.
Well, if I just randomly gave you
a free drink, I'd have to do it for everyone.
Pretty soon I'd go out of business.
- SHE FAKE LAUGHS
- Then don't do it for everyone.
Just do it for me
because it's my birthday!
Happy Birthday.
Jason, I have an idea but...
It's a little risky.
I need you to act as my bodyguard
like my friend, Kevin Costner,
in that movie where he was a bodyguard.
The Bodyguard.
No problem. My cousin once hired me
to do crowd control
for his off-brand Sea World.
Well, technically, it was just a bunch
of kiddie pools full of jellyfish.
And instead of a killer whale,
they killed a whale.
JASON:
Excuse me, miss.
We'd like to buy one opera, please!
Uh... what he means is "I would like to give
two million dollars to the Sydney Opera".
Miss Al-Jamil, this is...
so generous.
With a donation of that size
we will dedicate our rehearsal hall
in your honour.
Thank you, but no.
Lovely as it sounds to add to my collection
of wings and atria
the gift will be anonymous.
As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.
Why don't you want your name
on the opera house?
I love getting my name on stuff!
In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named
after me
cos I kissed a bat on a dare.
Well, I was thinking about
why I was sent to hell
as one is wont to do when one has recently
been told that one had been sent to hell
and it occurred to me,
I have always been held captive
by my desire for attention.
Now that I know how it all ends
I just want to be virtuous,
for virtue's sake.
JASON:
That's beautiful.
I gotta say, though,
if you want to do more charity
I know a way that could be a lot of fun!
SHE CHUCKLES
Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?
"God is dead.
God remains dead.
And we have killed him.
Who will wipe this blood off us?
What festivals of atonement,
what sacred games shall we have to invent?"
Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
I was just trying to sell you some drugs
and you made it weird.
SPRINKLERS CLICK INTO LIFE
I've never written a manifesto before.
What are you gonna say?
It'll be a complete account
of everything we've learned
from the beginning
of my Neighbourhood to right now.
- Mm...
- And then a recommendation
of how we feel
the afterlife could be improved.
When we turn ourselves in,
we'll give it to the Judge
and hopefully she'll read it.
We've failed, Janet.
But maybe one day someone else will succeed.
OK, so...
A...
Ma...
ni...
fes...
to.
By...
Mi...
Where's the "H"?
- This keyboard doesn't have an "H".
- Well...
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait...
I see it. I see it.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
- Oh, no, no, no. Look what I did!
- Yeah.
I wrote "Micahel".
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, that's...
OK, back, back, back, back, back.
Maybe you should dictate and I should type.
Good call
- JANET CHUCKLES
Just laying out some early details.
Go ahead and start dictating.
Look, there have to be rules.
Every place has rules.
Ugh! Fine, here are my rules...
Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want
and you all just have to deal with it.
Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies!
There's way too many Spider-Man movies.
Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-men.
SHE SLURPS
Rule three, everyone leave me alone.
So you just take care of yourself
you don't owe anything to anyone else?
HE CHUCKLES
If people lived that way,
society would break down.
Yeah! In America everyone does
whatever they want
society did break down, it's terrible,
and it's great!
You only look out for Number One
scream at whoever disagrees with you.
There are no bees because they all died
and if you need surgery
you just beg for money on the internet.
It's a perfect system!
Now get me another drink.
Tomorrow's my birthday.
Well, well, well, a wallet.
SHE GASPS
My rules say I get to take the cash out
and keep it, because in my society
I do whatever I want cos I'm awesome.
Just take it.
Take it, Eleanor. Just...
Ugh!
Alright, this is the address on the licence.
That'll be 58 bucks.
Keep the meter running, as soon as I'm done
here I'm gonna head to the airport
get the hell out of this trash country
where everyone is either
a criminal or a spider.
Hello, ma'am.
Is there a Fred Booth here?
I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice
thing and returning it, because I suck.
Sorry, he moved. I can give you his new
address if you'd like?
Actually, I have some of his mail.
If you're gonna go see him
could you bring it along?
Of course, I would love
to bring some "rando" his mail.
Anything else you want me to schlep over?
Well, this awesome day gets "awesomer."
Before the airport, we're heading
to 78 Palmer Street.
Ha! That's right next to the bar
where I picked you up!
I feel like a bloody boomerang!
HE LAUGHS
Of course you do.
SHE FAKE LAUGHS
- Uh...
- Hello.
Sir, you, uh... can't shop here
without a shirt.
Oh.
Sir, that'll be 880 dollars.
Here's my credit card.
Why don't you just charge it,
and keep it forever?
And, also, here's the keys to my car.
Wait, do you guys have, like,
a "take a car, leave a car" tray?
No? You know, just take it. Just take it.
Excuse me, sir?
Would you like some free money?
Now you can buy fingers for your gloves.
Hello, Madam. Are you poor?
Here's 5,000 dollars for a new stroller.
Have a nice day!
You don't have to say
the "are you poor?" part.
Right.
Hello! Here's some money.
- Here you go.
- Hello.
VIOLIN PLAYS
Here you go.
Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar.
This was a truly great plan.
Ah, thanks.
Man, there are so many times
that just this amount of money
would have changed my life.
I could have paid my rent.
I could've gone to a real doctor
instead of pretending
I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
You know, that gives me an idea.
Which I suppose, one could argue means
that anything could've given me an idea.
Come with me.
I'm sorry, Miss Al-Jamil
but I just don't feel comfortable
processing this request.
- Why not?
- Well, it just seems a bit... odd
to transfer the totality of your account
131 million British pounds
to the account of...
this person...
a man who is so flagrantly ignoring
the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
No, I walked out and back in each time,
so I'm "different" customers.
We're technically supposed to shut down
the bank
if anyone from Florida even walks in.
Look, all my life this money has been
a weight around my neck.
Like the Heart of the Ocean necklace
my friend James Cameron once gave me.
I don't want the money.
My friend Jason does.
I would like to give it to him.
If it's easier, you can just put it
on a Game Stop gift card.
That does not make it "easier."
I can't help you. I'm sorry.
- G'day.
- Fred?
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
I have all your crap.
- Thank you!
- And your wallet.
Oh, my goodness!
- Thank you so much!
- It was nothing.
Dude, I didn't take your money.
I would never even think of doing that.
No, no, no, I'm not worried about that.
Ah, here it is.
I started a new job
a few months ago and...
I got really nervous.
So my daughter Carolyn drew this for me,
to make me feel better.
Ah, it's my good luck charm.
Every time I'm stressed at work now,
I just have to look at this
and I feel...
you know... safe.
Look, a lot of people wouldn't
have tried so hard to get this to me.
You are a good person, Eleanor.
I really hope my daughter turns out
like you when she grows up.
HE CHUCKLES
- Are you alright?
- No, you shut up!
Sorry. It's been a weird day.
♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot,
and eat them both up ♪
♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot,
and add the M&Ms ♪
You put the Peeps in the chili pot,
It makes it taste... bad!
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
I'm gonna eat all this chili
and/or die trying.
Anyone want any?
I'm just gonna put it right down here.
Come on. Dip your balls in my chili.
Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
STUDENT:
Professor?
I can see that you're going through
something, but exams are next week.
So can you teach us anything?
Alright, nerd.
You want to learn something?
I'll teach you something.
I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.
How do ya like them apples?
Now over the last, 25 hundred years
Western philosophers have formed three
main theories on how to live an ethical life.
Now first off, there's "virtue ethics."
Aristotle believed that there were
certain virtues
of mind and character, like courage...
or generosity, and you should try to develop
yourself in accordance with those virtues.
The gift will be anonymous.
Next, there's consequentialism.
The basis for judgment about whether
something is right or wrong
stems from the consequences of that action.
How much utility, or good, did it accomplish
versus how much pain, or bad.
And finally, there's deontology -
the school of thought that there are strict
rules and duties that everyone must adhere to
in a functioning society.
Being ethical is simply identifying
and obeying those duties
and following those rules.
But here's the thing, my little chili babies
all three of those theories are hot,
stinky, cat "dookie".
The true meaning of life
the actual ethical system
that you should all follow
is nihilism.
The world is empty.
There is no point to anything
and you're just gonna die.
So do whatever!
And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow
candy chili in silence
and you all can jump up your own butts.
- Is that going to be on the test?
- Yes.
And no.
And you all get "A"s or "F"s.
And there is no test.
And you all failed it,
and you all got "A"s.
Who cares?
Goodbye.
IN A GROANING VOICE:
Good-byeeeeeeee.
Cool lecture.
And cooler shirt.
Feeling alright?
I feel fine.
- Mm...
- I do have a stomach ache.
Why do I always have a stomach ache?
Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chilli, bro,
this one's on you.
Look, I know the future seems bleak
but I have a plan.
Come with me.
Nah-ah-ah! Leave that chilli, weirdo.
A complete account of every single thing
we've done and learned.
I added all the data we've gathered
here on Earth, in chart and graph form.
And I added a pretty tasty little recipe
for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough.
SHE CHUCKLES
- MICHAEL: Ha!
Maybe someone, someday,
can learn from our mistakes
and enact real change in the process
of judging people.
But, for now Janet, old friend
we are going to enjoy our time on Earth
before we're retired.
- Hm.
- So, let's get started.
I know it's touristy
but I'd really like to visit
a lens crafters.
JANET:
Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.
MICHAEL GASPS
Hey, guys!
It... it's really nice to see you, um...
is everything OK?
Other than, you know... everything?
We've started to accept our fates.
It's all chilli under the bridge.
JASON:
Oh, good. You're all here.
Big news everyone!
- We got married!
- We got tacos!
Oh, oh yeah. We got married
and then after we got married
- we got tacos!
- Wow!
Wow, that's crazy!
JANET SIGHS WEAKLY
Well, it's strictly platonic, of course.
We only did it so I could legally give Jason
half my money.
We just popped over to the British Embassy
and signed the papers.
That's insane, but it's also, like...
the eleventh most insane thing
to happen today, so...
who cares?
I need everyone to focus up.
So, the four of us...
the six of us, really, are doomed.
Our fates are sealed.
But I think we have one move left.
We can try.
Try what?
Try to do good.
That stupid little voice in my head
told me to do something good today
and it was so annoying
but it also made a dork and his very
untalented daughter super happy.
Me trying, just a little bit,
put some good out into the world.
The six of us are not getting in
to the Good Place.
But there are still people in this world
that we care about
so I say we try and help them
be good people.
Try and help them get in.
I mean, why not try?
It's better than not trying, right?
That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor.
Let's try.
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.
I'm gonna remember this day forever
because of your dope speech.
And also because of the great tacos I had
and also because I got married
and I found out I was going to hell
- and also I became a hundred millionaire.
- Alright, we get it. We get it.
It goes without saying
that we're in.
Let's say it anyway.
- We're i... Alright, you go.
- We're...
- We're i...
- We're in! We're just so excited.
We're in!
What do you say, bud?
You want to join the soul squad?
Try to save some souls?
Yeah, I'm in.
But first, I have to go
to the bathroom forever.
There you are, my love!
I was just on my way to the MRI lab,
thought I heard your voice.
Ready to go to the airport?
Start our lives together?
Go ahead Tahani, we're rolling.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Oh! Hey, guys.
What are you doing down here?
Well, we came to get more champagne
which is right behind... that magic door.
- What door?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?
Who are you, and why were you
talking about us?
And what's the "good place,"
and what are "afterlife points"
and who has the most and... is it me?
Wait a second, I know this guy!
You're Zack Pizazz!
He got me here from Jacksonville.
No, this is the librarian,
from the University.
Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo,
a very rude Silicon Valley investor.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Alright, guys.
I can explain everything.
Just give me one second, OK?
How do we get out of this?
Well, they heard us explaining
the entire system of the afterlife
and they saw an interdimensional door
open and close, so...
not a ton of wiggle room here.
But, you're forgetting one crucial piece
of information.
Right?
I mean, you're forgetting one crucial piece
of information, that'll save us?
Yo! Buddy! You have like three seconds
to explain this crazy space door
or Chidi here is gonna beat you up!
- Yes!
- Oh, no... I'm... I'm... I'm not
but I would like to know
about the space door.
Alright. I don't know what choice we have.
I'll tell you the truth.
My name is Special Agent Rick Justice.
And this is Lisa "Frenchy" Fuqua.
We're with the FBI,
and all of you are in grave danger.
I knew it.
Agent Fuqua and I are...
paranormal investigators.
We're here to protect you from...
demons. No, wait, that's real... um...
ghouls... ghouls!
We're here to protect you from ghouls.
Now I had to appear...
in different disguises to keep tabs on you
but you are all involved together...
in this FBI case.
ELEANOR SNIGGERS
- No, we can... we can... prove this.
We have detailed files on all of you.
- Ask Janet anything.
- JANET GASPS
- Who's Janet?
- "Frenchy".
JANET WHISPERS: Frenchy.
- HE SCOFFS: Sorry...
"Frenchy's" nickname is Janet.
I thought her nickname was "Frenchy".
It is.
That's why they call her...
- Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.
- Mm-hm.
OK. Guys, I used to work at a place
that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently.
I know a Fed when I see one
and these two "jamokes" are not FBI, OK?
Who are you?
- Really.
- Fine, fine, fine.
- Just give me one more second.
- One.
- Serious question?
- Yep?
- Should we kill them?
- What?
It might work!
We kill them, go back through the door
somehow grab them
before they get to the Bad Place
and regroup from there.
I could kill them right now.
And you know, it would be easy.
Their bodies are very poorly made.
They're mostly goo and juice.
You just take the juice out
and then they're dead.
Michael...
they've seen through the door
into the afterlife
and they heard how it works.
SHE SIGHS
It's over.
Ah...
Fine.
Guess, I'll start at the beginning.
You all died.
Well, this sucks.
So, to sum up...
there is a heaven and hell
we've been to hell and...
now, no matter how good we are
for the rest of our lives
we're going back to hell.
Again, it's not the classic
Christian "hell", but...
that's the gist, yes.
As soon as you learned about the afterlife
your motivation to be good was corrupted...
so you can't earn points anymore.
So sorry for eternally dooming you.
And that's our bad, guys.
So, all the attempts you made to...
torture us, we must have been
in the afterlife for a hundred years.
Almost three hundred, actually.
Well, how is it possible that all these
things happened to us
but no time passed on Earth?
Did you go back in time to save us?
Uh, I didn't have to
because of "Jeremy Bearimy".
Who's Jeremy Bearimy?
OK, things in the afterlife don't happen
"while" things are happening here
because while time on Earth moves
in a straight line
one thing happens, then the next,
then the next...
Time in the afterlife moves
in a "Jeremy Bearimy."
What?
The afterlife time doubles back and loops
around and ends up looking something, like...
"Jeremy Bearimy".
This is the timeline in the afterlife.
Happens to kinda look like the name
"Jeremy Bearimy" in cursive English
so that's what we call it.
Sorry, I'm... my brain is melting.
How can events happen before
the ones that happened... before?
Just the way it works. It's...
it's "Jeremy Bearimy."
I don't know what to tell you.
That's the easiest way to describe it.
OK, but, um...
what the hell is this?
The dot over the "I".
- The hell is that?
- OK, um...
how do I explain this concisely?
This is Tuesdays...
- and also July.
- And sometimes it's never.
That's true.
Occasionally, that moment...
on the "Bearimy" timeline
is the time-moment
when nothing "never" occurs.
So...
you get it?
This broke me, uh...
The dot over the "I".
That broke me, I'm...
I'm done.
You know what?
I'm glad this whole thing happened
because now I can go back to living
my life the way I used to
only caring about myself,
because being good is pointless.
- No, no. Ah, please, Eleanor, just...
- No, thank you. I'm outtie.
See ya in hell.
SHE GASPS
You know what I just realised?
I always say that when leaving a room
but right now, it's accurate!
I will literally see all of you in hell!
Not if I see you first!
Let's go, Jason.
No, no, look, look!
You guys, this is not over!
We have to stay together.
Look, we'll figure something out!
Like, just one idea I had,
I could kill all of you!
That's my birthday.
Hey, buddy, it's my birthday.
One free margarita please!
Well, happy birthday!
- Can I just see some ID?
- No.
- Why not?
- Well, because it's not really my birthday,
I just want a free margarita.
Well, if I just randomly gave you
a free drink, I'd have to do it for everyone.
Pretty soon I'd go out of business.
- SHE FAKE LAUGHS
- Then don't do it for everyone.
Just do it for me
because it's my birthday!
Happy Birthday.
Jason, I have an idea but...
It's a little risky.
I need you to act as my bodyguard
like my friend, Kevin Costner,
in that movie where he was a bodyguard.
The Bodyguard.
No problem. My cousin once hired me
to do crowd control
for his off-brand Sea World.
Well, technically, it was just a bunch
of kiddie pools full of jellyfish.
And instead of a killer whale,
they killed a whale.
JASON:
Excuse me, miss.
We'd like to buy one opera, please!
Uh... what he means is "I would like to give
two million dollars to the Sydney Opera".
Miss Al-Jamil, this is...
so generous.
With a donation of that size
we will dedicate our rehearsal hall
in your honour.
Thank you, but no.
Lovely as it sounds to add to my collection
of wings and atria
the gift will be anonymous.
As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.
Why don't you want your name
on the opera house?
I love getting my name on stuff!
In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named
after me
cos I kissed a bat on a dare.
Well, I was thinking about
why I was sent to hell
as one is wont to do when one has recently
been told that one had been sent to hell
and it occurred to me,
I have always been held captive
by my desire for attention.
Now that I know how it all ends
I just want to be virtuous,
for virtue's sake.
JASON:
That's beautiful.
I gotta say, though,
if you want to do more charity
I know a way that could be a lot of fun!
SHE CHUCKLES
Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?
"God is dead.
God remains dead.
And we have killed him.
Who will wipe this blood off us?
What festivals of atonement,
what sacred games shall we have to invent?"
Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
I was just trying to sell you some drugs
and you made it weird.
SPRINKLERS CLICK INTO LIFE
I've never written a manifesto before.
What are you gonna say?
It'll be a complete account
of everything we've learned
from the beginning
of my Neighbourhood to right now.
- Mm...
- And then a recommendation
of how we feel
the afterlife could be improved.
When we turn ourselves in,
we'll give it to the Judge
and hopefully she'll read it.
We've failed, Janet.
But maybe one day someone else will succeed.
OK, so...
A...
Ma...
ni...
fes...
to.
By...
Mi...
Where's the "H"?
- This keyboard doesn't have an "H".
- Well...
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait...
I see it. I see it.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
- Oh, no, no, no. Look what I did!
- Yeah.
I wrote "Micahel".
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, that's...
OK, back, back, back, back, back.
Maybe you should dictate and I should type.
Good call
- JANET CHUCKLES
Just laying out some early details.
Go ahead and start dictating.
Look, there have to be rules.
Every place has rules.
Ugh! Fine, here are my rules...
Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want
and you all just have to deal with it.
Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies!
There's way too many Spider-Man movies.
Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-men.
SHE SLURPS
Rule three, everyone leave me alone.
So you just take care of yourself
you don't owe anything to anyone else?
HE CHUCKLES
If people lived that way,
society would break down.
Yeah! In America everyone does
whatever they want
society did break down, it's terrible,
and it's great!
You only look out for Number One
scream at whoever disagrees with you.
There are no bees because they all died
and if you need surgery
you just beg for money on the internet.
It's a perfect system!
Now get me another drink.
Tomorrow's my birthday.
Well, well, well, a wallet.
SHE GASPS
My rules say I get to take the cash out
and keep it, because in my society
I do whatever I want cos I'm awesome.
Just take it.
Take it, Eleanor. Just...
Ugh!
Alright, this is the address on the licence.
That'll be 58 bucks.
Keep the meter running, as soon as I'm done
here I'm gonna head to the airport
get the hell out of this trash country
where everyone is either
a criminal or a spider.
Hello, ma'am.
Is there a Fred Booth here?
I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice
thing and returning it, because I suck.
Sorry, he moved. I can give you his new
address if you'd like?
Actually, I have some of his mail.
If you're gonna go see him
could you bring it along?
Of course, I would love
to bring some "rando" his mail.
Anything else you want me to schlep over?
Well, this awesome day gets "awesomer."
Before the airport, we're heading
to 78 Palmer Street.
Ha! That's right next to the bar
where I picked you up!
I feel like a bloody boomerang!
HE LAUGHS
Of course you do.
SHE FAKE LAUGHS
- Uh...
- Hello.
Sir, you, uh... can't shop here
without a shirt.
Oh.
Sir, that'll be 880 dollars.
Here's my credit card.
Why don't you just charge it,
and keep it forever?
And, also, here's the keys to my car.
Wait, do you guys have, like,
a "take a car, leave a car" tray?
No? You know, just take it. Just take it.
Excuse me, sir?
Would you like some free money?
Now you can buy fingers for your gloves.
Hello, Madam. Are you poor?
Here's 5,000 dollars for a new stroller.
Have a nice day!
You don't have to say
the "are you poor?" part.
Right.
Hello! Here's some money.
- Here you go.
- Hello.
VIOLIN PLAYS
Here you go.
Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar.
This was a truly great plan.
Ah, thanks.
Man, there are so many times
that just this amount of money
would have changed my life.
I could have paid my rent.
I could've gone to a real doctor
instead of pretending
I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.
You know, that gives me an idea.
Which I suppose, one could argue means
that anything could've given me an idea.
Come with me.
I'm sorry, Miss Al-Jamil
but I just don't feel comfortable
processing this request.
- Why not?
- Well, it just seems a bit... odd
to transfer the totality of your account
131 million British pounds
to the account of...
this person...
a man who is so flagrantly ignoring
the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
No, I walked out and back in each time,
so I'm "different" customers.
We're technically supposed to shut down
the bank
if anyone from Florida even walks in.
Look, all my life this money has been
a weight around my neck.
Like the Heart of the Ocean necklace
my friend James Cameron once gave me.
I don't want the money.
My friend Jason does.
I would like to give it to him.
If it's easier, you can just put it
on a Game Stop gift card.
That does not make it "easier."
I can't help you. I'm sorry.
- G'day.
- Fred?
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
I have all your crap.
- Thank you!
- And your wallet.
Oh, my goodness!
- Thank you so much!
- It was nothing.
Dude, I didn't take your money.
I would never even think of doing that.
No, no, no, I'm not worried about that.
Ah, here it is.
I started a new job
a few months ago and...
I got really nervous.
So my daughter Carolyn drew this for me,
to make me feel better.
Ah, it's my good luck charm.
Every time I'm stressed at work now,
I just have to look at this
and I feel...
you know... safe.
Look, a lot of people wouldn't
have tried so hard to get this to me.
You are a good person, Eleanor.
I really hope my daughter turns out
like you when she grows up.
HE CHUCKLES
- Are you alright?
- No, you shut up!
Sorry. It's been a weird day.
♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot,
and eat them both up ♪
♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot,
and add the M&Ms ♪
You put the Peeps in the chili pot,
It makes it taste... bad!
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
I'm gonna eat all this chili
and/or die trying.
Anyone want any?
I'm just gonna put it right down here.
Come on. Dip your balls in my chili.
Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
STUDENT:
Professor?
I can see that you're going through
something, but exams are next week.
So can you teach us anything?
Alright, nerd.
You want to learn something?
I'll teach you something.
I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.
How do ya like them apples?
Now over the last, 25 hundred years
Western philosophers have formed three
main theories on how to live an ethical life.
Now first off, there's "virtue ethics."
Aristotle believed that there were
certain virtues
of mind and character, like courage...
or generosity, and you should try to develop
yourself in accordance with those virtues.
The gift will be anonymous.
Next, there's consequentialism.
The basis for judgment about whether
something is right or wrong
stems from the consequences of that action.
How much utility, or good, did it accomplish
versus how much pain, or bad.
And finally, there's deontology -
the school of thought that there are strict
rules and duties that everyone must adhere to
in a functioning society.
Being ethical is simply identifying
and obeying those duties
and following those rules.
But here's the thing, my little chili babies
all three of those theories are hot,
stinky, cat "dookie".
The true meaning of life
the actual ethical system
that you should all follow
is nihilism.
The world is empty.
There is no point to anything
and you're just gonna die.
So do whatever!
And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow
candy chili in silence
and you all can jump up your own butts.
- Is that going to be on the test?
- Yes.
And no.
And you all get "A"s or "F"s.
And there is no test.
And you all failed it,
and you all got "A"s.
Who cares?
Goodbye.
IN A GROANING VOICE:
Good-byeeeeeeee.
Cool lecture.
And cooler shirt.
Feeling alright?
I feel fine.
- Mm...
- I do have a stomach ache.
Why do I always have a stomach ache?
Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chilli, bro,
this one's on you.
Look, I know the future seems bleak
but I have a plan.
Come with me.
Nah-ah-ah! Leave that chilli, weirdo.
A complete account of every single thing
we've done and learned.
I added all the data we've gathered
here on Earth, in chart and graph form.
And I added a pretty tasty little recipe
for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough.
SHE CHUCKLES
- MICHAEL: Ha!
Maybe someone, someday,
can learn from our mistakes
and enact real change in the process
of judging people.
But, for now Janet, old friend
we are going to enjoy our time on Earth
before we're retired.
- Hm.
- So, let's get started.
I know it's touristy
but I'd really like to visit
a lens crafters.
JANET:
Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.
MICHAEL GASPS
Hey, guys!
It... it's really nice to see you, um...
is everything OK?
Other than, you know... everything?
We've started to accept our fates.
It's all chilli under the bridge.
JASON:
Oh, good. You're all here.
Big news everyone!
- We got married!
- We got tacos!
Oh, oh yeah. We got married
and then after we got married
- we got tacos!
- Wow!
Wow, that's crazy!
JANET SIGHS WEAKLY
Well, it's strictly platonic, of course.
We only did it so I could legally give Jason
half my money.
We just popped over to the British Embassy
and signed the papers.
That's insane, but it's also, like...
the eleventh most insane thing
to happen today, so...
who cares?
I need everyone to focus up.
So, the four of us...
the six of us, really, are doomed.
Our fates are sealed.
But I think we have one move left.
We can try.
Try what?
Try to do good.
That stupid little voice in my head
told me to do something good today
and it was so annoying
but it also made a dork and his very
untalented daughter super happy.
Me trying, just a little bit,
put some good out into the world.
The six of us are not getting in
to the Good Place.
But there are still people in this world
that we care about
so I say we try and help them
be good people.
Try and help them get in.
I mean, why not try?
It's better than not trying, right?
That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor.
Let's try.
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.
I'm gonna remember this day forever
because of your dope speech.
And also because of the great tacos I had
and also because I got married
and I found out I was going to hell
- and also I became a hundred millionaire.
- Alright, we get it. We get it.
It goes without saying
that we're in.
Let's say it anyway.
- We're i... Alright, you go.
- We're...
- We're i...
- We're in! We're just so excited.
We're in!
What do you say, bud?
You want to join the soul squad?
Try to save some souls?
Yeah, I'm in.
But first, I have to go
to the bathroom forever.
There you are, my love!
I was just on my way to the MRI lab,
thought I heard your voice.
Ready to go to the airport?
Start our lives together?
Go ahead Tahani, we're rolling.