The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Trolley Problem - full transcript

This is an exciting day.

We are going to tackle
The Trolley Problem.

Is this a game? I go first. I call blue.

There's no... this is...

No, this is a thought experiment
first introduced

by British philosopher
Philippa Foot in 1967.

You are driving a trolley
when the brakes fail,

and on the track ahead of you
are five workmen

that you will run over.

Now, you can steer to another
track, but on that track

is one person you would kill
instead of the five.



What do you do?

Do we know anything about the people?

Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend

or that snooty girl from Rite Aid

who was always
silently judging my purchases?

It's like, yeah, chicky,
a Baby Ruth and birth control.

I see the irony. Keep a-swipin'.

You don't know any of the workers.

Okay, well, then that's easy.
I switch tracks.

Kill one person instead of five.

But this is hard
because the only trolley

I've ever been on is
James Franco's ironic trolley.

It travels backwards
from his penguin grotto

to his garage of adult tricycles.



- Um, kill one, save five.
- Good!

But there's a lot
of other versions of this,

like what if you knew one of the people?

Does that change the equation?

Or what if you're not the
driver, you're just a bystander?

Or let's throw
the trolley out altogether.

Let's say you're a doctor,
and you can save five patients.

But you have to kill one healthy person

and use his organs to do it.

But that's not the same thing.

Why not?

It's still choosing to kill one
person to save five, isn't it?

Michael, you've been kind of quiet.

What do you think about all this?

Well, obviously the dilemma is clear.

How do you kill all six people?

So I would dangle
a sharp blade out the window

to slice the neck
of the guy on the other track

as we smush our five main guys.

Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?

- Yep. Ten more, buddy.
- People good. People good.

Why is that so hard to remember?
People... What is it?

- Good.
- Good.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

Cool. Later, guys.

Oh, hey, twerps, we have an hour

before we have to pretend
to be tortured by Vicky.

You want to hang out?

We could work on our forced grins.

Check mine out.

[forced laugh] This place
is miserable, etcetera.

- That sounds fun.
- Right?

But I was gonna dive into
next week's reading, I'm afraid.

Sorry. Jason, do you, um, care to join?

Sure, dog.

You're doing extra-credit work?

What can I say? This class
is more fun than I thought.

[mellow music]

♪

Eleanor seemed a little
suspicious earlier,

snooping around.

You didn't tell her about us, did you?

No.

Why are you so scared

that someone will know
we're pounding it out?

Precisely because you refer
to lovemaking

as "pounding it out."

Who cares about
what other people might think

about us being together?

Maybe you should talk
about this with a friend.

But then that person
would know we were together.

Right. Then you can talk about why it is

that you don't want anyone
to know we're together.

But then that person would know,

and I don't want anyone to know.

I know.

I'm saying you should talk
to someone about how weird it is

that you don't want to talk to someone

about how we're together.

How's it going, teach?

Hmm, kitchen looks nice and crazy.

I've been racking my brain,

trying to find a way
to get through to Michael.

What do you think about writing
a rap musical about Kierkegaard?

I think that's a terrible idea.

Cool.

- [sighs]
- Michael's not going to learn

how to be a good person overnight.

He's not even a person.

He's just a bunch of evil

shoved up the butt
of an evil mannequin, you know.

Teaching him to be good... it's like...

teaching me how to be not hot.

How would you even do it?

You'd have me hunch or something

and then stand there and say
"gurp, gurp, gurp"?

I don't even know.

I can't even picture it because
I've been hot my whole life.

I'm sorry. Who is this
conversation for again?

It's for you.

I believe in you, nerd boy.

If you can teach me and Jason ethics,

you can teach anybody.

Thanks.

But definitely a no on the rap musical?

I mean, if we really...

[rapping] My name is Kierkegaard,

and my writing is impeccable.

Check out my teleological
suspension of the ethical.

- No.
- No! Right?

[laughs] No, it felt like
a no when I was doing it.

[quirky music]

- Janet?
- Hi, there.

If I were to tell you
something personal about myself,

you couldn't tell anyone
about it, right?

Right.

So, in a way,
you're sort of like a therapist.

Absolutely not. A therapist is
a trained medical professional

with the ability to absorb
and process complex ideas

about human emotion.

I am simply a vessel

containing all of the knowledge
in the universe.

Close enough. Jason and I
are sleeping together.

Okay.

Obviously, no one can ever know.

I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason if
he were the last man on Earth.

But... well, he sort of is, and I am...

shagging him, I mean.

And I think I'm losing my mind,
so please help me.

Well, my job is to make
your experience here

in the afterlife more enjoyable,
so I will try to help you.

I am going to need some time

to read every book ever written
about human psychotherapy.

And now I've done that, so let's begin.

- Have a seat.
- [soft ding]

Hi, I'm your therapist, Janet.

I just want to have a little
chat about your progress.

In the last homework assignment,

I asked you to examine
the ethics of "Les Misérables,"

in which a man steals a loaf of bread

to feed his starving family.

Would you please read
your first paragraph here?

"Everyone in this story sucks
and belongs in the Bad Place.

"The thief is bad.
The officer chasing him is bad.

"All the whiny prostitutes are bad.

"Plus, they're all French,

so they're going
to the Bad Place automatically."

Do you see how you're already off topic?

Chidi, I've been around a long time...

like, all of it.

But I know for a fact that
if you steal a loaf of bread,

it's a negative 17 points...

20 if it's a baguette because
that makes you more French.

Okay. Sure. But philosophy is

about questioning things
that you take for granted,

and I-I just don't think that
you're doing that.

I mean, "I personally know
that Victor Hugo

"is in the Bad Place being tortured.

"He's a real wuss, too.

"If one of the lava monsters
even gets near the guy,

"he's like, 'Sacré bleu,
I peed in my pants.'"

I don't know what you want from me.

T-that's exactly what he said.

Jason's a nice person,

but my suitors were always
of a certain echelon.

I used what I called the "Duke Rule,"

because Duke is both
minimum acceptable university

and rank of nobility.

You've never dated anyone
like Jason before.

I mean, I've dallied below my station.

I once had a brief fling with
a non-famous Hemsworth brother,

but even Larry Hemsworth
had more status than Jason.

Jason didn't even have a job...

in a sad way, not in the good, rich way.

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

Sitting in a room?

That's pretty cool.

I took your suggestion,

and I'm talking to Janet
about our relationship.

Actually, it might help me

if I could hear Jason's side as well.

Oh, no, no, no.
That'll only slow things down.

Look, I'll tell you his side.

He thinks that I have
to control everything

and that he has
no voice in this relationship.

Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we?

I just... heard that.

Okay, fine. I'll leave.

I just don't feel like you're
engaging with the material...

like with The Trolley Problem.

That was just tricky. That's all.

Why don't you just tell me
the right answer?

Well, that's what's so great
about The Trolley Problem

is that there is no right answer.

Ugh.

This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

I'm on your side here,
dude, but he is not wrong.

Okay, Michael...

trust me.

When it comes to human ethics,

I just know more than you.

I've been studying it my whole life.

It's just that
it's so theoretical, you know?

I mean, you know,
maybe there's a more...

concrete approach.

Here, let's try this. [snaps fingers]

[trolley droning]

Oh, God! Michael, what did you do?

[trolley bell ringing]

I made The Trolley Problem real

so we could see how the ethics
would actually play out.

There are five workers on
this track and one over there.

Here are the levers
to switch the tracks.

Make a choice.

T-the thing is, I mean,
ethically speaking...

No time, dude! Make a decision!

Well, it's tricky!
I mean, on the one hand,

if you ascribe to a purely
utilitarian worldview...

[crashes, wheels screeching]

Okay. So...

what did we learn?

Chidi? Talk it out, buddy.

What are we thinking?

He thinks he just killed a
bunch of people with a trolley.

It's just a simulation.

I would never make you kill real people.

Oh, well, that's reassuring,

because some of the parts of the
fake people flew into my mouth!

Michael, can we just go back
to the classroom?

We never left. Here, I'll show you.

[snaps fingers]

[sighs shakily]

[sighs with relief]

[snaps fingers]

Look. See, buddy? None of this was real.

Well, they're fake people,
but their pain is real.

Does that make sense?

There have to be stakes, or it's
just another thought experiment.

This is awful.

You specifically asked me

if there was a way I could
connect with the material more.

I'm trying, you guys.

Sorry. You're right.

I want to help you understand this.

Thank you, Chidi.

So let's try again, hmm? [snaps fingers]

Oh, uh, I-I thought maybe
we would have a discussion.

No, the whole point is to play
out the scenario in real time.

Quick, Chidi! What's your decision?

Okay. Okay. I can do this.

I am choosing to switch tracks,

so that way, I only kill one person.

Oh, forgot to tell you.

This is the scenario

where you actually know
one of the people.

It's your friend Henry there.

Chidi! How are you, mate?

Henry, move!

- Oh, nice trolley.
- Move out of the way!

- Henry, move!
- I can't, Chidi.

My boots are stuck in the tracks.

- Henry, move!
- Anyway, long time no...

[screams]

Oh, my God!

[wheels screeching]

Again, just a simulation...

an almost
impossibly lifelike simulation.

Would someone's foot really
fly off their body like that?

That was kind of cool.

Ethically speaking.

Tahani's confusing. She's really smart.

And she's all soft and smooth
like a bunch of water balloons.

But I tell her she's pretty
a hundred times a day,

and she's never said I'm pretty once.

And how does that make you feel?

I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed

that I'm not some sort of scientist

who forecloses on banks.

I need another session with Janet.

It's my turn. I have a lot
of problems, too, you know.

Perhaps we could kill two birds

with one Janet, as it were.

How would you feel about giving
Jason and me couples therapy?

I'd feel great.

[quirky music]

♪

Janet, what's happening?

Unclear.

My guess is I'm operating
in a way I'm not designed for,

and it's creating a small glitch.

But if I'm helping you guys, I say...

"What has one thumb
and wants to keep going?"

This not-lady.

Eh? Eh?

[mellow music]

Okay, so that was

Trolley Problem version number seven.

Chidi opted to run over
five William Shakespeares

instead of one Santa Claus.

Okay, as much as I'm enjoying

watching random people's heads fly off,

I think we've taken this trolley
thing as far as it can go.

- You might be right, Eleanor.
- Thank you.

Let's try the doctor one.
[snaps fingers]

Dude, what the fork?

These five people
all need organ transplants,

or they will die.

Eleanor's perfectly healthy.

Chidi, do you want to slice
her open and use her organs

to save the five sick people?

Chidi, Chidi, think about this.

I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani.

I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason.

I'm your friend.

I-I won't do it.

As a doctor, I've taken the
Hippocratic Oath to do no harm,

and although five people will die,

I cannot harm one innocent person

to save them and forsake my oath.

It's unethical.

Okay.

- Tell their families.
- What?

Doctor Chidi? My daddy
needed a heart transplant.

Did you save his life?

He was working, then a really bad man

ran him over with a trolley.

Oh! Come on!

What?

I'm finding this incredibly helpful.

I think I'm really starting to get it.

Oh, I know. We'll do the one
where you're in a boat

next to a volcano, and you can
either save 50 people,

or one awesome dog or whatever.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.

Are you torturing us again?

What?

You don't care
about learning ethics lessons.

You're just torturing
Chidi again, aren't you?

- Busted.
- What?

[laughing wildly]

I'm sorry. Old habits die hard.

Not as hard as those people

you crushed with the trolley,
though. Boom!

I'm sorry, is this funny to you?

Yeah. I thought
that was clear from my laughter.

Oh, come on.

My bad.

Look, I'm still on your team, okay?

I just needed to let off a little steam.

Phew. [snaps fingers]

See? Back home. All good.

No. No. Not all good.

You keep saying that we need you,

or we'll end up
getting tortured forever.

But then when we do help you out,

we still end up getting tortured.

I'd rather just be tortured
than choose it.

You are no longer welcome in my class.

Get the fork out!

[dramatic music]

♪

- But I said "my bad."
- Out!

You okay?

You've been staring at the second page
of this book for an hour.

When I'm really upset,

concentrating on a table
of contents helps me calm down.

It's like a menu, but the food is words.

Oh, okay.

I can't believe I actually thought

he wanted to learn from us.

What he really wanted was to torture me,

using the thing
that I love most in the world.

Woven belts?

Oh, teaching. Right.

I'm sorry about this, Chidi.

I made him take the classes,
and I feel a little responsible.

Oh, no, it's not your fault.

Yeah, you're right. It isn't.
And no take-backs.

No, a tiger can't change his stripes.

This is what he always wanted...

me trying desperately

to teach him something
that he never intended to learn

so I'd end up miserable
with my glasses all smudged up

from sweaty-forehead stress grease.

Okay. Gross.

Also, I really don't think that's true.

Oh, no? What possible
other reason could he have

to behave that way?

Actually, I can think of one.

Yesterday Tahani gave us her reasons

not to take this relationship public.

Tahani, what do you value about Jason?

Well, he's thoughtful...

picks flowers and brings them to me.

Often they're ones
I've just planted, but...

That's how I know they fresh.

He's the least self-aware
person I've ever met.

He has massive amounts
of unearned confidence

and is utterly unaware
of his own absurdity.

Therefore, quite good at sex.

Here's the thing.

I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me.

There's something wrong about that,

but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Oh, Jason.

I genuinely like you,

but it's hard to change all at once.

Can you give me a little more time?

Okay.

I agree to keep this on the DL for now,

if you agree to grab my butt
in public once a week.

You can say I sat in gum

and that you're trying to scrape it off.

You do sit in a lot of gum.

Aw, I'm happy for you guys.

[gags]

[frog croaking] Huh.

Look, I don't know what to tell you.

If Chidi can't take a joke,
that's on him...

just like all that blood was.

[chuckles]

I can't high-five that!

No matter how badly I want to.

Look, this isn't about Chidi
not being able to take a joke.

This is about you.
You're doing what I used to do.

You're pulling an Eleanor.

Posting my cousin's
credit card number on Reddit

because she said I looked tired?

- [snorts]
- [chuckles]

[laughing] I forgot I did that.

No. [clears throat] No.

Pulling an Eleanor in this case

is lashing out
when you feel like a failure.

You couldn't hack the classes.

They made you feel dumb and small,

so you took it out on the teacher.

You think I feel dumb and small?

I'm an eternal being who can see
in nine dimensions.

I can see from your aura

that you're about to fart
quietly and then lie about it.

And please don't, because I can
also see what you ate today.

Dude, you can bluster
and insult all you want...

also classic Shellstrop moves,
by the way...

but deep down you know I'm right.

Whatever.

Eventually Chidi will get over it.

Ah! [laughs]

Leaving it up to the other
person to be the grown-up...

yet another classic Shellstrop move.

[chuckles] You and I
are really very similar.

What does that say about me? Ugh.

Look, bro,

it's 100% on you to make this up to him.

[soft music]

I screwed up.

I'm owning it.

I mean, I'm a superior being...

I ought to act like one, right?

So I really thought
about each one of you,

and I got you something
that will make you happy.

I call them "opposite tortures."

Do you mean presents?

Yes, that's better. Thank you.

Tahani, here's yours.

[soft ding]

Holy mama.

Is this a diamond?

Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal.

Diamonds are literally
carbon molecules lined up

in the most boring way.

They're worthless space garbage.
What you're holding right now...

that's basically meteorite poop.

[squealing]
And I have the biggest piece!

Eleanor...

I had Janet make you a
never-ending shrimp dispensery.

- [gasps]
- [soft ding]

[chuckles]

- [machine whirring]
- Oh! [laughing]

This is the dream.

- It is?
- Yeah.

Jason, here you go.

[gasps] Pikachu!

Guys, it's Pikachu!

- This is awesome...
- [balloon pops]

Aw, man.

And finally, Chidi.

You were a tough nut to crack,
but I think I figured it out.

[soft ding]

This is a replica

of a lost notebook
from the desk of Immanuel Kant.

It contains never-before-seen
thoughts and musings

and several, uh...

crude erotic doodles.

Interesting guy, actually.

The point is, no one on Earth
has ever seen this...

except for you.

Cool.

This isn't an apology.

It's a bribe, and I'm not interested.

[mouth full] Yeah, we can't be bought.

What do you want from me, man?

You want me to give you a golden
nameplate for your office?

Or you want a diamond
bigger than Tahani's?

No! Then this would be worthless.

I don't want anything.

Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it.

I get it. You want me
to admit that I was wrong.

You want me to say,
"Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry

"because I didn't understand
human ethics and you do.

"It made me feel insecure,
and I lashed out.

"And, oh, please help me
because I feel so...

so lonely and vulnerable."

Yes.

Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um...

I didn't understand
human ethics, and you do.

And it made me feel insecure,

and I lashed out.

And I really need your help
because I feel...

so lost and vulnerable.

Have a seat.

[sniffs]

Whoo-hoo!

Nobody try mystery flavor.

It's white chocolate, and it is nasty.

Listen, we just wanted to
thank you for all of your help.

Our relationship has grown
so much stronger

over the past few weeks,
and we owe it all to you.

Congratulations.

I am very happy for the both of you.

[loud rumbling]

- Okay. Bye.
- [soft ding]

[chandelier rattling]

[rumbling stops]

[soft ding]

Hi, there.

What's happening? What's wrong?

I am wrong.

I can't stop glitching.
I don't know why.

And it's getting worse.

I fear this neighborhood
is in danger of total collapse.

So that's the main thing. How are you?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com