The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Existential Crisis - full transcript

[quirky music]

You've got to admit

things are going pretty well
since I took over.

Certainly a lot smoother lately.

And based on my surveillance,

our four humans don't suspect anything.

Yeah, because we're killing it.

Whoo-hoo-hoo. [snapping fingers]

You sure are.

Here are the torture ideas

you asked me to write up for next week.



[groaning]

So long.

You're not supposed to be torturing me.

From now on, make all your memos

one page max with pictures.

Also, Quinston over here

already came up with a sick idea

for how to torture Tahani.

Tell him, babe.

We're going to have Tahani throw a party

for Gunnar's birthday,
but no one will show up

because we'll also be throwing a party,

and it will be way better.

Boom. [laughing]



Where do you get these incredible ideas?

Oh, that one just came to me.

It just like popped
right into my noodle.

[laughs] Yeah, that's right.

Up top!

So that's their plan.

This doesn't seem so bad.

It really tucks my nuggets.

I worked so hard on my torture ideas,

and theirs are so basic.

These millennials,
they have no work ethic.

Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone

who has only been torturing
people for a thousand years.

[soft voice] A millennial.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Okay. Coast is clear.

Not a demon in sight.

Except for, you know...

Is that what we should
call you? "Demon"?

Well, I mean, it's not really accurate,

and we consider it
to be a little racist.

But it's fine.

Well, um,

let's start our first lesson.

Tahani and Jason will have to make it up

since they're both off
being fake-tortured.

All right.

Well, I've read everything
on your syllabus,

and how do I put this delicately?

It's all, ah,

stupid garbage.

Look, we have to start somewhere.

So how about Socrates?

All right, all right.

Let me just get into
the mind-set of a human.

"Oh, I'm a human,

"and my breathing tube
is next to my eating tube.

"Oh, and look,

my arms end in stupid little sticks."

Okay.

Proceed.

Good.

This is so depressing.

I'm being forced to throw
a party that I know will fail.

That's why they're doing this.

It's what you're best at.

Just like I'm the best
at getting empty water bottles

to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.

You know what?

I am the best at planning parties.

Vicky may be some demonic torturer

from the netherworld,
but does she have taste?

Sophistication?

An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional

and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

Yes! She does.

No. She doesn't.

What if I throw a party
that is so amazing

that it's actually better

than the party that's supposed to win?

When they realize they
could have to my party,

they'll be sad. I won't be sad.

They'll be sad.

- Janet!
- Hi there.

Janet, when I turned 18,

I knelt in front of Princess Grace's

dress mausoleum, and I swore

to uphold the Hostess Code:

"I, Tahani Al-Jamil,

"shall do my level best

"to make every event...

too much."

Model tonight's décor
after my 2008 fundraiser

for the Red Cross in Zurich.

No.

2007.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Man.

Michael is not into your class.

Right now, I'm the best student.

I'm going to be the...

velociraptor.

You trying to say "valedictorian?"

No. Look, dude, this isn't your fault.

You've been teaching him
ethics for half an hour,

and he's been evil since...

the beginning of time.

Oh!

Maybe the reason Michael can't latch

onto the ideas is because he's immortal.

Look, look. If you live forever,

then ethics don't matter
to you because, basically,

there's no consequences
for your actions.

You tell a lie, who cares?

Wait a few trillion years,
the guilt will fade.

Before I can teach Michael to be good,

I have to force him to think about

what we used to think about:

that life has an end,

and therefore our actions have meaning.

That's what you used to think about?

I used to think about how it's weird

they don't make pants
that are just one big pant leg

for both your legs.

You mean a skirt?

No.

You're not getting it.
And my thing is different,

so shut up.

- Michael?
- Yeah.

Is there any way that you can die?

Yeah, actually there is.

It's called retirement.

It's rare, but

when one of us
really screws something up...

[clicks teeth]

And what happens exactly?

Well, it's fairly straightforward.

My essence would be scooped
out of my body

with a flaming ladle,

and every molecule of my body

would be placed on the surface
of a different sun.

Sure.

So is that what would happen

if your boss found out
that you defected to our side?

Yeah.

Okay, so that might actually happen,

and if it did there would be

no more...

Michael.

Think about that for a second.

Imagine being retired.

Everyone else is here.

But you? Poof.

Gone. Nothingness.

Inky black void. Done.

Okay.

I'll think about that.

[daunting music]

♪ ♪

Huh.

So...

you're saying that I would be...

No...

Me?

[wailing]

Okay!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Dude, you broke Michael.

No, no. This is good.

He's having an existential crisis.

It's a sort of anguish people go through

when they contemplate
the silent indifference

of our empty universe.

Look, the good news is,

if he can work through this,

it's the first step towards
understanding human ethics.

And what if he can't?

Then, he'll be
a lifeless shell of misery

forever, and we're all doomed.

Okay,

I will be right back.

Gotta go grab some Camus.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Can I get you a snack?

Do you eat? I can never remember.

What do you eat? Babies?

Do you want me to get you
a big fat baby?

What flavor baby? [gasps]

How about a Cool Ranch baby?

Searching for meaning
is philosophical suicide.

How does anyone do anything...

when you understand the
fleeting nature of existence?

It's pretty easy, man.

I mean, you learn about death

when you're a kid,

and it's just not that big of a deal.

[cartoon playing on TV]

Eleanor,

baby,

I have some sad news.

Your doggie, Max, has passed away.

Do you know what that means?

Well, sometimes when a dog

is very old,

like, five or six or something,

he crosses a long rainbow bridge,

and at the end of that bridge

is a beautiful farm
with lots of grass and trees

and, I don't know, wagons

and a rainbow.

I already said "rainbow."

The point is:

that's where Max is.

Can we visit him at the farm?

Nope, because it's very far away...

in... Guam.

- It's in Guam.
- Can we at least...

Okay, look. I'm lying, okay?

You caught me. Congratulations.

The farm is made up.

The bridge is made up.

There's no such place as Guam.

Your dog, Max, is dead

in a duffel bag under the deck.

How did he die?

The short answer is: I don't know.

And the slightly longer answer
is: I didn't know

how hot it gets in cars sometimes.

The point is: don't be sad.

Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed

if you do get sad

because it's been a very long day

and that bitch Carol
from work was really

on my ass about some stupid thing

that I don't even know what it was.

And at the end of that long day,

I had to use
one of my favorite duffle bags

to do something very gross
that I did not like.

Now, let's celebrate
that dead dog's life

by bringing Mommy
another bottle of white.

I would say I outdid myself,

but I'm always this good.

So I simply did myself.

[sighs] Everything is perfect.

Red alert, red alert. We need help.

What's wrong with Michael?

Uh-oh. I know that look.

He just snorted
a bunch of printer toner.

Mike, listen to me, you have
nothing to worry about.

You still have around 70%
of your brain left.

No, no, this is more like
a philosophy overdose.

Basically, Michael just smoked
a big bowl of ennui,

and now he's having
an existential crisis.

So, we need to cheer him up.

Look at how pretty the restaurant is.

Didn't Tahani do a good job?

Parties are mere distractions

from the relentlessness of entropy.

We're all just corpses
who haven't yet begun to decay.

Yeah, but...

balloons!

Okay, we all head over
to Vicky's party together.

We babysit Michael in shifts
so that no one sees

he's a catatonic blob.

Or you could just sit tight.

The entire party are going to
be heading over here soon.

[laughs] Unless I am sorely mistaken.

- [lively music]
- [people cheering]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm taking you, baby ♪

♪ All the way to lovey town ♪

I was sorely mistaken.

Okay, bud, whatever is
going on right now,

just shove your feelings way down deep,

plaster on a fake smile,
and pretend you're having fun.

Okay? Just like
I used to do when someone

started talking about their kids.

Hey, welcome, guys.

Wow, this is... elaborate.

Gunnar was an animal rights activist.

So the theme of the party is "animals."

Flying station's over there
if you want to fly

like a falcon.

[exclaims]

And over there we filled
a ball pit with puppies.

[people laughing, dogs whining]
That's fun.

Oh, and have you ever wanted
to sit in a kangaroo pouch?

My whole dang life.

So we can all hang out here for a bit

and then we can head over
to your party... sound good?

Yo, this place is lit.

I'm going to go jump
in that kangie's pouch.

Hey...

All right, Tahani, you just need to walk

around the party looking miserable.

Great, just like that. Perfect.

And then Chidi and I
will keep an eye on Michael.

- Where's Michael?
- [groans]

[engine revving]

Uh... I think I found him.

There they are!

Que pasa, muchachos?

Hey there, bud. You okay?

Okay? I'm a new man.

Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much
for the advice

about shoving my feelings down deep.

I feel so much better.
It's like I'm surfing

on this wave of positivity.

Is that Janet?

Oh, yeah.

Have you met my secretary, Jeanette?

She's a lot like Janet,

but she doesn't pretend
like she has all the answers.

Hi, Jeanette.

Oh, no, it's still me... Janet.

Michael just asked
that I change my appearance,

and also say things like,
"You're so funny,"

and "So how many quarterbacks
are in a home run?"

[giggles]

Man, repressing your feelings is great.

I was feeling stressed all the time,

and now it's just so easy.

Babe, we need to get some food into you.

Get you something to eat.

I don't eat anything.

She's perfect.

Hey! Turn that around.

♪ Throw them dice, baby ♪

It did kind of hurt actually,
but I love it.

So he's moved on from existential crisis

to just straight-up mid-life crisis.

That's good, right?

I knew a ton of guys
like that back in Arizona.

I mean, they hit on you
when they're drunk,

and their breath smells
like supplements,

but overall they're pretty harmless.

It's Chinese for "Japan."

Oh, so cool.

No, no. This is worse.

I mean, an existential crisis
is an acknowledgement

that life is absurd. And that absurdity

needs to be confronted,
but this is just denial.

And at any moment
that denial could collapse,

and he'll be a mess.

He is a Jenga tower of sadness.

For an immortal being,
he's pretty fragile.

I mean the guy contemplates
his own death

for one forking minute
and completely loses

his grip on reality?

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[whispering] You didn't have to come.

I said I'm fine.

Yeah, well, I know you guys
weren't super close,

but still. It's hard...

losing a parent.

Eleanor! Mommy's here, baby!

Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine?

This is my boyfriend, Sam.

Sam, this is my mother...

Sister! Sister...

[groans] It's not going to work.

It's my ex-husband's funeral.

Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug!

Listen, baby. Don't be sad, okay?

Your father wasn't great.

Let's call him what he was:

a fart in the shape of a man.

Can you just chill?

I don't want to turn
Dad's funeral into a roast.

I'm not. I'm just saying he sucked.

I mean, the only photo
they could get of him

was a mug shot. He was a doof.

So don't be sad that he's gone.

I'm not sad. I'm fine.

Good!

You know, I had a long running bet

with Eleanor's father
that I would outlive him.

You want to guess who won
that one? Come on, guess.

Well, we're at his funeral.
It's pretty clear...

I did! I won!

He's dead! Up top!

Whoa. [chuckles]

Is there a bar? I'm just going to...

[sighing]

Did my mom slip you her hotel room key?

Yes.

Yes, she did.

[glass clinking]

Thanks so much for coming
to Gunnar's birthday party.

Now, there was a little bit of a mix up,

and Tahani also planned a birthday party

over at the restaurant. So...

why don't we all head over there?

No need. This party is far superior.

I'm sure yours is amazing.

Well, I did fine on the décor,

but I don't have, you know,

actual unicorns you can ride.

[unicorn huffs]

So you all just stay here and have fun.

Okay, well, if that's what you want.

Let's all get back to the party, then.

Hang on, there, mis amigos!

- Whoo! I want to make a toast.
- No, no, no, Michael, oh, boy.

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

Birth is a curse,
and existence is a prison.

But don't think about that.

Don't be sad, you guys.

Focus on something great
like Drakkar Noir...

whoo... which I am
wearing a lot of tonight.

Or the Sharper Image Catalog.

What can't those guys ionize?

By the way, I am feeling amazing.

I'm going to do some push-ups.

Then we'll go around the room

and name our favorite cheese.

Okay, that's good with the speeches.

That's good, yeah.

Let's all get back to the party.

What was that?

You didn't run any of that by me.

Oh, I know, I know. I'm sorry, babe.

Listen, when you guys first took over,

I was upset, but it's all good now.

I mean, anger is toxic.

I'm not about that negativity.

Mi torture es su torture.

I am so happy you're in charge.

Okay, well, good.

Namaste, chica.

[laughs]

Do you want to dance?

- No.
- Okay.

I'm leaving.

I'm too miserable to stay here
for one more second.

Why? There are baby monkeys

and dolphins to ride

and the game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos"

with actual hippos. This party is way

better than ours. Why are you miserable?

Ohh.

You stay and have fun.

I'm going to go
and throw myself a pity party...

though I doubt I can even
throw one of those properly.

[whimpers]

[indistinct chatter]

[glasses clink]

God, I love this stuff!

[slurps]

Oh! Let's keep this party going!

What now, huh? Want to hit the clubs?

Oh, oh, oh... Vegas!

No, no, no, even better... Dubai.

[gasps]

Jeanette, make us a Dubai.

[giggles]

I kind of feel like maybe
we should wind down, have a...

No, no, can't do that.
Can't stop moving.

Can't stop moving.

If I stop moving, I'll start thinking

and if I start thinking, I'll
start thinking about things

I don't want to think about, like death.

Oops.

I'm thinking about it now.

Yep, thinking about death again.

Oh, I know.
Jeanette and I have been taking

samba lessons, huh?

- Let us show you how to do it.
- Okay.

I think Vicky bought his excuse,

but we need to snap him out of this.

Which one of these confusing
French books

will make him normal again?

It's not that easy.

I mean, emotionally, he's
all over the map right now,

and I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I don't think this can be solved

with a book.

What's the big whoop?

I dealt with death, and I was fine.

Were you? I mean,
you never had one moment

where you were freaked out
by the permanence of death?

Never one moment like that?

Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders?

Sure, yeah, right over here.

What's this?

Who has four toothbrushes?
Like, Bill Gates or something?

No, that's like, for a family.

Family?

Like, a whole family
and their toothbrushes

all together?

Two slots for the parent toothbrushes

and two slots for their kids?

Yep.

So the parent toothbrushes

can be close to
the kid toothbrushes and...

watch over them and...

[sniffs] They can
all talk about their...

toothbrush feelings.

And they can hold
their little toothbrush hands

when they're sad?

Make sure no harm ever comes
to their little bristles?

- Sure.
- [crying]

Oh, um, do you need Kleenex?

Thank you. [sniffles]

Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

A family pack?

[dramatic sobbing]

[clears throat]

[solemn music]

I don't know if what I'm going to say

is going to hurt or help,

but screw it.

Do you know what's really
happening right now?

You're learning what
it's like to be human.

All humans are aware of death.

So we're all a little bit sad...

all the time.

That's just the deal.

Sounds like a crappy deal.

Well, yeah. It is.

But we don't get offered any other ones.

And if you try and ignore your sadness,

it just ends up leaking
out of you anyway.

I've been there.

And everybody's been there.

So don't fight it.

In the words of a very wise

Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee
I once knew...

"Go ahead and cry all you want.

But you're going to have to pay
for that toilet plunger."

♪ ♪

I got you something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

[sniffs]

I just want to sit and stare at nothing

and silently scream
for the rest of time.

I might be way off-base here,

but you seem kind of bummed.

I really thought I could
throw a better party than

a magical, all-powerful being.

And moreover, what's this say about me,

about the life I lived?

The way they're torturing me is through

event planning mishaps,

and it works.

Am I really that shallow?

Listen, back in Jacksonville,

I was in charge of
a 60-person dance group.

Whenever we auditioned a new dancer,

we would rate them in five categories:

dancing ability, coolness,

dopeness, freshness,

and smart-brained.

I would give you
an eight in every category.

Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

No, no. Eight is the best.

It was a scale of 1-13,

but eight was highest.

The scale went up and then back down

like a tent.

Why? It's not important.

Lately, you've been
really down on yourself.

But you're the most amazing
person I've ever met...

besides Michael,

and he was constantly torturing us

so I'd only rank him a ten.

Which is worse than an eight?

That's so unnecessarily confusing.

The point is: you're cool,

dope, fresh, and smart-brained.

I've never seen you dance,
but I bet you're good.

'Cause you're good at everything.

You're awesome.

Be nicer to yourself.

Thank you, Jason.

[light music]

From one eight to another.

"Excellent progress this week.

"Tahani devastated by party mishap.

"Eleanor continues to be
a selfish monster

creating burden for Chidi."

"Selfish monster?"

I brought you back from the brink

of an existential coma, dude.

No, no. I have to embellish your misery

on these fake torture reports

so that my boss doesn't get suspicious.

But really... [sighs]

I am grateful you pulled me
out of my funk.

Well, now that you've become acquainted

with existential crises,

I thought we could read "Death"

by philosopher Todd May.

Sounds like the perfect beach read.

Should we wait for Tahani and Jason?

Where are those goofballs?

So, um...

we should probably discuss...

That was awesome!

It was.

[sighs]

Surprisingly so.

But we should still discuss...

Want some breakfast?
I know how to make cereal.

- Sure, but, Jason, we should...
- Okay, be right back.

[playful music]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com