The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 3 - Beauty and the Beast - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

You rang?



I want a cracker.

I'll need something
to wash it down,

and a twist of
lemon would be nice.

What is it now?

Habit.

Give me that.

Listen, Ma, I've
made a decision.

I think we're gonna
have to get a nurse

to take care of you
until you're well.

A nurse? Why can't
you take care of me?

Normally, I would,

but I have that education
conference starting Tuesday.

And Blanche is busy
with her granddaughter,

and Rose is...



Well, I just think a
nurse is the way to go.

I don't need a nurse. I'm perfectly
capable of taking care of myself.

Oh, really? Then why have
you been running me ragged

doing things for you?

Honestly? It tickles me.

Look, Ma, I'm hiring a nurse.

At your age, we can't
take any injury for granted.

Well, it's your fault I
sprained both my ankles.

Ma, you were the one who sneezed
and blew yourself off the stool.

It wouldn't have happened if
you'd let me sit at the table that night.

Look, Ma, you know the rules.

When we eat Mexican
food, you sit at the counter.

Now, it's settled. I'll have
a nurse here tomorrow.

Wouldn't it be cheaper just to
set me adrift on some ice floe?

If it were, do you think
you'd still be here?

Oh, hi. We're back.

Oh, hi, honey. And
what did you do today?

Grandma took me down to the
docks to watch the sailors come in.

I remember spending that quality
wharf time with my grandma.

Oh, and guess what?

Grandma gave me a new nickname
to call her in front of the Navy.

Oh, what was that?

Sis.

Sis?

Well, she calls her other
grandmother "Grandma".

This just cuts down
on the confusion.

Run along, darling. Run along.

Oh, girls, I'm just so worried.
You've got to help me.

I'm so concerned about Melissa.

Why? What's wrong?

I'm just afraid I had a lot more
fun this afternoon than she did.

And I promised Janet her little
girl would have fun this week.

I swear, I have no idea
how to keep her entertained.

Honey, the important thing
is to spend time with her.

Why don't you do something
that both of you enjoy?

Why don't you take her to
the movies, to the beach?

Why don't you take
her to the petting zoo?

The Petting Zoo?

Dorothy, even I don't
go to that club anymore.

Girls, I've got big news.

I found something Melissa
and I can do together.

I have entered her in the
Little Miss Miami pageant.

And we're a cinch
to win, aren't we?

Hit it, sweetheart.

Hi, my name's Melissa,
and I'm five years old.

Blanche, she's seven.

No, that works out to
be five in Blanche years.

Look at this face, girls.

How could a child
this gorgeous lose?

I think it's a great idea.

Oh, sure it is,

if you like the notion
of children competing

in a bloodthirsty,
winner-take-all contest,

where what's on the outside
is considered more important

than what's on the inside.

Lost the Little Miss St.
Olaf pageant, did you?

Twenty-three years in a row.

Once they picked Eileen Ditmeyer's
imaginary playmate over me.

Well, sure, she
was more talented,

but still, I smelled a rat.

You mean the contest was fixed?

No, that was my
talent. Smelling rats.

Blanche, I'm not sure that
this is a good idea, either.

I mean, beauty pageants
are archaic and sexist,

not to mention degrading.

Lost the Little Miss
Brooklyn contest, did you?

I practiced that
trombone for weeks!

And there was Ma sitting in
the front row, sucking a lemon.

Well, you were just nervous

because your mother
was in the front row.

She was a judge.

Well, come along, Melissa,
we have a lot of work to do

if we're gonna win.

But we can still go to
the circus this week, right?

Well, we'll see.

Honey, the pageant
is just a few days away.

You can go to that
circus any old time.

How many years can you
enter the Little Miss contest?

Evidently, twenty-three.

At least my mother voted for me.

Ah, Nurse DeFarge,
right on time.

Of course I'm right on
time. I'm always on time.

You know what happens
when a nurse is late?

People die.

Well, then, let's
get the party started.

Uh, this is my
friend, Rose Nylund.

I'll go get Ma. I'm sure she's
anxious to get reacquainted.

Oh, then you've
known Sophia before?

Yes, she was one
of the residents

a few years ago at a place I
worked called Shady Pines.

But to tell you the truth, I don't
think that she'll remember me.

Ma, I'm sure you...

I hope that doesn't
make you uncomfortable.

Ma, what are you doing?

I'm rolling for my life.

You hired the Angel of
Death from Shady Pines.

Ma, don't be ridiculous.

She is not the Angel of Death.

She is a private nurse
with excellent references.

And for the last time,

Shady Pines is a very
reputable rest home.

I'm telling you, Dorothy,

they used to pre-sell our
bodies to medical schools.

That was the big joke, "How
would you like to go to college?"

Now, where's my patient?

Don't you mean victim? Ma!

Now, look, Sophia, I know
you didn't like it at Shady Pines.

Nobody did after their
families dumped them there.

But I'm sure if you
just give me a chance,

we'll become fast friends.

Dorothy, I really wish you'd
respect my feelings about this.

Ma, I really wish
you had voted for me

in the Little Miss
Brooklyn pageant.

Hey, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Now, ladies, please.

Sophia, I'm just here
to take care of you.

You want your back
rubbed? I'm here.

A glass of water? Call me.

My job is just to see to each
and every one of your needs.

Will you excuse us? I have to talk
something over with my daughter.

Of course.

You see, Ma...

You rang? You're hired.

♪ Well, it won't be
a stylish marriage

♪ I can't afford a carriage

♪ But you'll look
sweet upon a seat

♪ Of a bicycle built for two ♪

Oh, my God, they've bonded.

Hey! What are you doing?

We were going to watch The
Nun's Story. I've never seen it before.

Oh, she leaves the
convent in the end.

Here it is, Ironside.

He's the master
of the wheelchair.

Just look at the way
he takes those corners.

Oh, come on. The
guy's got radials.

Excuse me, we were
watching something else.

Well, Sophia wants
to watch Ironside,

and I believe a happy
patient is a healthy patient.

He's a fine detective,
isn't he, Sophia?

Oh, please, call me Ma.

Ma?

Not you.

Popcorn, Ma?

Oh, no, it gets
caught in my teeth.

I tell you what, I'll floss
them while you nap.

You're a good kid.

You want plain floss
or mint-flavored?

Surprise me.

Now, I'm serious. You have
got to get rid of that woman.

Look... She just
bosses us all around,

won't let us have any
fun, make any noise.

She's makin' our
lives miserable.

I don't like her any more
than you do, but what can I do?

Ma's ankles haven't healed yet.

And besides, Nurse
DeFarge means well.

Dorothy, at 2:00
a.m. this morning,

I was entertaining
a gentleman caller

when she opened the door
at the most inopportune time.

I could have lost my
balance and chipped a tooth.

You think that's annoying?

She came into my room last night

when I was reenacting the
gangplank scene from Peter Pan.

What the hell goes on
at night in this house?

Look, I know you are both upset,

but nothing I have heard is
grounds for firing the woman.

Oh, excuse me, ladies.

Oh, by the way, Dorothy,

a man called wanting to know

if you were free Saturday night,

but I forgot to write
down the number. Sorry.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Grandma, is this the
one you said you liked?

Oh, yes, isn't
that just beautiful?

Girls, look. This is one of
her outfits for the pageant.

I'm telling you, she's gonna
win this thing hands down.

Sweetheart, sing your
song for everybody.

Grandma, I'm tired.

We've been rehearsing all day.

But if we don't
rehearse, we don't win.

Blanche, aren't you getting a
little carried away with this pageant?

Well, don't be ridiculous.

In fact, I wish Janet were
here to see how wonderful

her mother and her
little girl are getting along.

I just know she's gonna let
her come back year after year.

I'll go get the music.

You be sure and get some
sleep tonight, sweetheart,

so you'll be all rested when
we go to the zoo tomorrow.

I'm not going to the zoo.

Grandma says we have
to rehearse tomorrow.

In fact, we can't do anything
fun because of the stupid pageant.

I wish I could just go home.

Here we go.

But before we sing
our little hearts out,

how about a hug for the
best grandma in the world?

I hate this.

I am not good at firing people.

I've never been good
at confrontations.

How about when you
made that cop cry?

Then he wasn't much
of a cop, was he?

Maybe I better talk
to Nurse DeFarge.

I think I could handle
it with a little more tact.

Ah, good morning, ladies.

Not for you,
Nursey-nurse-nurse-nurse.

Uh, what I think Rose
is trying to say is that...

Uh, things aren't working out,

and we're gonna
have to let you go.

You're firing me?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes.

What's going on?

I've been fired, Ma.

What?

We all think it's for the best.

Well, Mildred,
I guess that's it.

What Dorothy says, goes.

We'll just have to
say... Leg cramp.

Oh! There, there, there.

Oh, that's better.

Thank God you were here.

Dorothy, I'm sorry.
I cannot leave.

What?

Until she can walk
again, I'm staying put.

You're a good daughter.
Take a lesson, pussycat.

You're pussycat, too?

I am pussycat one.
You are pussycat two.

What can I do? Ma
obviously needs her.

My hands are tied.

Sorry about that
nursey-nurse-nurse-nurse thing.

I never thought
I'd see you again.

Well, Sophia, I'm going
to have to keep my word.

As soon as you can
walk, I'll have to leave.

Yeah, I know, as
soon as I can walk.

But I don't think that's
gonna be for a long, long time.

This competition's gonna
be a piece of cake, Rose.

Just look around. Ugly.

No charisma.

Now there's a gym
teacher waiting to happen.

Blanche, how can you say that?

All these girls are adorable.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I just wish I had that
one's nose full of nickels.

She's on in two minutes.

Oh, two minutes.

Grandma, I don't think I can sing
in front of all those people out there.

But of course you
can, sweetheart.

You're just a little nervous.

They always get this way
before the talent portion.

My Clarisse still
gets butterflies

before she twirls
her fire batons.

Fire scares me.

But I just remind her that
Mommy is right off stage

with a big bucket
of baking soda,

and then she feels better.

It scares me a lot.

Well, anyway, good
luck to you both.

Come along, Clarisse.

Help me.

Did you see that?

I tell you, some people should
not be allowed near children.

That poor little girl.

What could be worse than
havin' a mother like that?

Having a grandmother like that.

Now, wait a minute, Rose.

I'm just doin' this for Melissa.

She's been havin'
a wonderful time.

Has she?

Yeah. Meli-Melissa, come here.

Sweetheart, come here, I
want to ask you somethin'.

Now, tell me the truth.

You want to be here, don't you?

You've been havin' a wonderful
time with Grandma, haven't you?

'Cause if you
haven't been, darlin',

well, we'll just
leave right now.

She's on! Showtime!

She's not singin'. Why?
Why ain't she singin'?

Well, she's just frozen solid.

Oh, no. Melissa?
Oh, gosh, Melissa!

That's your music, Melissa.

Honey, do you
remember the words?

♪ Gray skies are gonna clear up

♪ Put on a happy face

Come on, sweetheart, sing.

♪ Brush off the
clouds and cheer up

Go down the stairs. Here's
where you move your feet. Move!

♪ Take off the
gloomy mask of tragedy

♪ It's not your... She
was so good at home.

♪ You'll look so good that
you'll be glad you decided to smile

Smile.

♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook

♪ Stick out that
noble chin Stick it out.

If you sing, I'll
buy you a puppy.

♪ Slap on a happy grin

♪ And spread sunshine all...

Oh, let me have that boa.

♪ Just put on a happy

♪ Put on a happy

Her daddy's still in the Gulf.

♪ Put on a happy Melissa?

♪ Face ♪

Oh. Uh, Melissa, may I
speak with you, please?

Could you wait a moment?

Someone's having
a story read to her.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

"And the prince took
the princess to the castle,

"and they lived happily
ever after. The end."

They didn't get married?

That's implied.

For what it's worth, I, um...

I know it was a mistake to make
you do the pageant and... and...

And I'm truly very sorry.

You know,

your grandma feels real
bad about everything.

What do you say we forgive her?

You know, you...

You remind me so
much of your mother

when she was your age.

She used to get so mad at me.

And then as she got older,

it seems like we just
fought all the time.

Till finally, one day, we just
stopped talkin' altogether.

It wasn't until you were
born that we tried to make up,

but seems like we still
couldn't let go of the past.

Oh, Melissa, I don't want
to go through that again.

I would just die if I thought
that was gonna happen to us.

Melissa, I know
you're just a little girl,

but this is the point
where you're supposed

to stop me and say,
"I love you. Don't go."

Why?

Well, because you're
from the South, honey.

It's just good manners.

Course I still love you.
You're my grandma.

I'm just mad at you.

Oh, well.

I... I can accept that,

if you're still gonna
give me another chance,

'cause I still want to try to be

the best grandma
in the whole world.

Does this mean I can start
calling you grandma again?

Aw, of course you can.

Just not around
anybody in uniform.

Okay?

♪ Daisy, Daisy ♪
Give me your answer true

♪ I'm... ♪

Hello.

Hello.

It's a miracle.

I can walk.

Sophia, look at
you! You're walking.

I just can't believe it.

Neither can I. Pretty
amazing, eh, pussycat?

Mmm-hmm.

Congratulations, Sophia.
I am so proud of you.

But I suppose this means
that my work here is done.

But don't you worry about me.

As long as there's pain and
suffering in the world, I'll be okay.

Well, now that I'm up, I might
as well do some shopping.

Get back here, you
deceitful little Sicilian gecko!

I wuv you.

Too wittle, too wate.

Ma, I can't believe
you did this.

Why did you lie to me?

Because, for the
first time in my life,

somebody was
paying attention to me,

pampering me, and it was nice.

Mildred made me
feel special, feel loved.

But what about the awful way
she made the rest of us feel?

Hey, that was just gravy.

Look, Ma, I know I
don't pamper you.

But the reason I make
you do things for yourself,

is because I want to
keep you active and vital.

The best way to show you I
care is to make sure that you...

You don't settle into old age.

So you're saying you
make me vacuum and dust

and scrape crusty stuff off
the tile because you love me?

Honestly?

It tickles me.

Pussycat.

Ma.