The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 4 - That's for Me to Know - full transcript
Dorothy learns that her father was not Sophia's first husband.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Morning, Rose, Dorothy. Hi.
What a night.
Did you hear that
racket out front?
I didn't sleep at all.
I think Dreyfuss has the
hots for our lawn flamingo.
Ma, we don't have
a lawn flamingo.
In that case, we'd
better tip the paperboy.
What's with the photo albums?
Oh, I'm doing a family history.
And I'm gonna need your help.
You know, I think
it's important to tell
the grandchildren
about their ancestors.
Give them a sense of pride in
those who came before them.
Even Uncle Nunzio?
Even Uncle Nunzio,
but we call the goat a pet.
Anyway, Ma, I want
you to drag out anything
that'll jog your memory
about the old days.
You know, people
in St. Olaf are lucky.
We all had the same family tree.
You can trace each of us back
to the same brother and sister.
Well, I think that
completes the puzzle.
Wait a second.
Why are you asking me
questions about our family?
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna die.
You talked to my
doctor. I'm gonna die.
Ma, the doctor says
you're healthy as a horse.
Well, actually, the doctor
in our pre-paid health plan
says you're healthy as a camel.
I assume in his country
it's the same as a horse.
You know, Dorothy,
for an extra $5,
we can get a doctor who
sees patients one at a time.
Wonderful news.
The contractor says he can
start building the hot tub tomorrow.
Oh, this is so exciting.
So, Blanche, you
must be paying extra
to get a building
permit that quickly.
Hey, I'll tell you one thing,
the damn government isn't gonna
see one red cent of my money.
But, Blanche, the
city requires a permit
on any new home
construction built within five feet
of a standing structure
used as a primary dwelling.
Rose, all this
technical information,
it doesn't sound like you.
And if Blanche
doesn't get that permit,
I think they could
make her live in a shoe.
Welcome back, sweetheart.
It all happened so fast.
He grabbed her. She bit him.
He stuffed her in his calamari
wagon and sped away.
And that, dear grandchildren,
is how my parents met.
How romantic,
a roll in the squid.
May I remind you, the
purpose of these stories
is to give the
kids family pride.
Hey, I'll have you
know it was my father
who single-handedly
invented the ransom note.
If you're not gonna
take this seriously,
I'm just gonna do
the history by myself.
Hey, keep away from
that. What are you...
What's in the box?
Mexican jumping beans.
Ma.
Sorry, Hispanic jumping beans.
You don't want me to know, fine.
I wouldn't dream of
infringing on your privacy.
Look, Rudy Vallee!
Where? Where?
Dorothy, I'm gonna give you till the
count of three to give me back that box.
One...
By the way, your
reflexes are a joke.
Dorothy, guess what
I have under my robe?
That guy from the circus?
No, Dorothy, my new swimsuit.
I'm wearing it to entice
the muscular young men
who are coming over
to install my hot tub.
Would you like to see it?
Is it a two-piece?
Yes. No.
Oh, this is just so exciting.
I love construction workers.
Good with their
hands, dumb as stumps,
and don't mind showing their
buns when they bend over.
Hey, look what I found.
The box!
Rose, where did you get it?
Oh, I was just under my bed
playing, and then there it was.
Do you know whose it is?
Oh, Rose.
Oh, Rose, how can I
look at that face and lie?
It's mine.
Hi, I'm Don Benson. I'm
here about the hot tub.
Oh, my goodness,
word does travel fast.
It's not in yet, Don.
Oh, no, I'm not
here to soak in it.
I'm a city inspector.
You can't come in here.
This house has been quarantined.
We all have, uh...
Quick, Rose, give
me a deadly disease.
Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. I
don't have a deadly disease.
Well, get one.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Well, we're off to a bad start.
Won't you come in?
May I help you?
Yeah, I got a call
from a Lois Nylund.
Oh, that's Rose Nylund.
Rose, as in a series of
seats in a movie theater.
Or the flower?
Well, yeah, that, too.
Rose, can I see
you in the kitchen?
I don't know. Why don't
you go in and find out?
Get in there! Go, go!
Excuse us.
I ought to have
you horsewhipped.
I haven't even
opened the damn box!
I'm... I'm sorry.
I cannot believe
you called the city
after I specifically
asked you not to.
Well, I couldn't just sit
there and be party to a lie.
Oh, Rose, come on.
There're times it's all right to lie.
Dorothy will back me up
on this. Right, Dorothy?
No, it is not right to lie.
Anybody got a bobby pin?
Look, Rose, I have calculated
the cost of this hot tub
right down to the last penny.
I cannot afford any
useless permits.
Now, if he insists I
have to have them,
it's gonna be on
your head. Period!
Well, I can't believe
she said that.
Exclamation point.
Well, who's to say?
Question mark, new paragraph...
What the hell am I saying?
Rose.
Rose, this isn't my
box, it's my mother's.
I was gonna
open it, but I can't.
Dorothy, I'm proud of you.
I can't with a bobby pin,
maybe with a butter knife.
Rose, you're off the hook.
Don just made a quick, five-minute
inspection and guess what?
The permit's only $40.
You were right
about tellin' the truth.
Oh, well, if there's one thing
I'm good at, it's citizenship.
That and guessing the
weight of brood sows.
Shut up.
135.
Well, it's just nice to know
there's still people out there
who don't think the
city's out to get them.
Somebody moving in? Oh, hardly.
With the three of us
renting from Blanche,
we're practically sleeping
on top of each other.
Oh, you can't do that.
Well, we all wear pajamas.
No, I mean you can't rent
to more than two people
unless you have
a boarding license.
Oh. Oh, well, what the hey?
Put it on my bill.
What is it, another $40?
Well, the permit's $80.
Oh, well, that's not so bad.
But the improvements
you'll have to make
will run you about $10,000.
$10,000?
I can't afford that.
Not even if I use up
all my hot tub money.
Well, I guess you'll just
have to lose a renter.
Hey, you got 48 hours.
For... Hey, uh, Don, wait!
All right, I'm gonna catch him,
but you're gonna sleep with him.
Rose. Rose, you're not going to
believe what I found in that box.
Look at this photo.
Oh, it's Sophia
as a young bride.
Yeah, but that's not my father.
Ma was married to someone
else before she married Pop,
and she never told me.
I mean, she lied to me.
I don't know this woman.
I... I don't know my own mother.
Ah, here you are, Ma.
I still have a couple of
questions about our family history,
if that's okay.
Fine. As long as you
don't ask me about the box.
The box? What box? Oh!
It completely slipped my mind.
Oh, yeah.
That kind of thing
happens to me all the...
All the... All the
shrimp you can eat.
Nice try, Ma.
Let's talk about 1920.
Bad year. Now,
1918... I said 1920.
Okay, 1920 it is.
The year I sailed for America.
Ah, America.
The land of opportunity, where
the streets were paved with gold,
and a young man
named Irving Berlin
was writing songs like this.
Hit it.
Dorothy, where's
our piano player?
Ma, get back on the track.
1920.
Did you date much?
Not really.
Then what about this picture
of you in a wedding gown
with someone who
is identified as Guido?
Oh, World's Fair,
at the "Have your picture
taken with a Guido" booth.
Ma, you were married
to somebody else.
I have a right to know about it.
Wrong.
There are some things a daughter
should not know about her mother.
You're always sticking your
nose in where it doesn't belong.
Just like that old dog
Sandy we used to have.
God, your father loved that dog.
Can you believe that?
After I've bared my heart
and soul to that woman.
Oh, Dorothy, you hide
things from her all the time.
Yeah, but she doesn't know that.
I am the smartest
woman in the whole world.
And I am the Pygmy queen.
No, wait a minute.
Blanche, what would
you say if I got a permit
that would let you have as many
people stay here as you want?
What? Oh, that's terrific.
Rose,
this says I'm going to turn
my home into a halfway house
for recently released criminals.
Yes, Rose, you are the
smartest person in the world.
Burger World.
Rose, if I use this permit,
any kind of scum could
walk through the door.
Thieves, murderers,
men who haven't seen
a woman for 10 years,
who've been doin' nothin' but
liftin' weights and countin' the days.
Dorothy, remind me again
why this was a bad idea.
Oh, Blanche, be serious.
Now, if we want
to stay together,
we're gonna have
to raise $10,000.
Well, I don't see why I should
have to raise any money.
I didn't create this problem.
I think the moronic
Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
She's talking
about me, isn't she?
No, Rose, she's
talking about Spike Lee.
Well, don't get smart
with me, Dorothy,
just because you're out $10,000.
Me? Well, face facts.
I mean, we were
already roommates
when you brought your mother in.
So either pay up, or
Sophia should move out.
Oh, thank you very much,
but if anybody is going to
put my mother out in the cold,
it's going to be me.
No, Rose, forget it.
She did sort of just dump
the old lady on us, didn't she?
Oh, now you're buddy-buddy with
the moronic Scandinavian nitwit?
Jealous, are we?
Fine. Fine.
I try to come up
with a solution,
the two of you don't
even try to help.
Fine. Just count me out of this.
Well, fine. Just
count me out of it.
Fine. But it's your funeral.
Nice try, Dorothy,
but she'd probably need
a permit for that, too.
Oh, here you are.
All right, Rose, I have
something to say to you now,
and I want you to pay attention.
Listen to me, honey...
Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry, too.
Oh, no, but I'm really sorry.
Oh, girls, I am so sorry.
No, we're the
ones that are sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetie, get over here.
We're sorry, too.
Yes, we are. We're really
sorry. It's our fault, too.
Hey, how were you
supposed to know
I had an accident in the hall.
Hey, why were you guys sorry?
Oh, well, this isn't
solving anything.
This whole thing was my fault.
I'm gonna be
responsible. I'll move out.
Rose, you are not
going to move out.
Well, somebody has to. How
else are we gonna choose?
We could do what
they do in Russia.
We could vote.
Here, it's the only fair way.
I would just like the panel to
disregard that accident-in-the-hall thing.
All right, everybody, just write
down who you think ought to leave.
Well, you know this
is a waste of time.
I'm just gonna
write down myself.
Don't tell us that.
Yeah, maybe we should
do this. It's the fairest way.
All right, but it's just
gonna end up being me.
Okay.
Okay.
Here we go.
Good luck, ladies.
Dorothy.
Dorothy.
Dorothy.
Dorothy.
Well, that's that.
Let's eat. I'm starved.
Wait a minute. How
did this happen?
We all voted for you.
Well, Dorothy, it's
your own damn fault.
Why did you have
to vote for yourself?
I just assumed that everyone
was gonna vote for Rose,
and I... I didn't want a
sweep to hurt her feelings.
I guess that would hurt.
It does!
Oh, no.
No, wait, I cannot
allow this to happen.
Now, this whole
thing was my fault.
I am the one who must go.
No! Nobody is gonna go anywhere.
Now, there's gotta
be another way.
Well, what choice
do we have? I mean...
Oh, I'll miss you, and
you know I love you.
But it's the only way.
I'll just have to find
some other place to rent.
Oh, would you stop saying that.
Hey, wait a minute.
The city says you can't have
three renters, but what if...
What if we're all co-owners?
Co-owners?
Yeah. You sell us each
a share of the house
and we pay you every
month, like we always have,
but instead of paying rent,
we'll be paying the mortgage.
I tell you what.
Why don't we just forget
all about the mortgage,
and I'll just give you all
the house as a present?
Yeah! Then I'll just buy all your
clothes, pay for all your food,
set up trust funds for
all your grandchildren.
Throw in a piano player,
you got yourself a deal.
Like hell! This is my home
we're talking about here.
And it's more than a
home. It's memories.
Dorothy, this is where I
lived with my husband.
It's... It's my past,
and it's my future.
As I move on towards
middle age, it's all I have.
You're right, Blanche,
it's a lot to ask.
I'm sorry, but it really is.
I just could never sell it.
Not even to you all.
I know what you're
gonna say, Dorothy,
you can't stand to see me
go. But I've made up my mind.
Rose, listen... Now
you're going to tell me,
"I'll miss you. God,
how I'll miss you."
Rose, you have to listen to me.
"You know, Rosie,"
you're thinking.
"I sure could use one last St.
Olaf story before you leave."
And then I'd ask,
"Shall I tell you about
how the St. Olafians
"were one of the original
lost tribes of Israel?"
Taxi!
I knew you were gonna say that.
Look, Rose, sit down.
Now, you are not going to leave.
Rose, we need you here. Really.
You're too important here!
Okay, that's not believable.
We love you.
So, who's leaving?
Oh, we were just
discussing that, Mr. Benson.
I'm afraid that
no one's leaving.
You see, we're a family here.
Well, not the conventional one,
but we love each other and...
Excuse me, snoop.
Liar. Rhino.
Lizard.
It's real love, Mr. Benson.
It's an honest love.
And, yes, we might have secrets
that we stubbornly try
to hide from each other...
Python. Swamp insect.
But we're a family nonetheless,
and you can't break us up.
Well, as moving as all
this is, I can't help you.
I gotta file my report,
and either Mrs. Devereaux has
to bring the house up to code,
or somebody's gotta leave.
Wait just a minute. These
women no longer live in my house.
Blanche, what are you saying?
I'm saying that it's not
just my house anymore.
It's our house.
I've decided to share
the title with you.
We'll sign the deed tomorrow.
That way you'll have equity
and nobody can make you leave.
By golly, you got me.
Say, Don, why don't you drop
back by after the hot tub's in.
Ooh.
Land. I'm a
landowner. I've made it.
And it only took 80 years.
Finally, property.
I'll be planting soon.
Ma.
Oh, Blanche, this was so
generous of you. I'm so touched.
Well, you know, I
just got to thinkin'.
Yeah, this house was
the home of my family.
But you're right, you're family now.
- Yeah.
So, now it's our home.
Rabbits.
Gonna raise me some
rabbits as big as your head.
Ma, we have to talk.
I think it's time
we settled this.
Get off my property.
Ma, that's enough.
Now, look, Ma, this
isn't our relationship.
Not talking to each other.
Ma, I'm sure you
had your reasons,
but it can't have
felt good hiding
this man from
me all these years.
Well, no.
Then unburden yourself, Ma.
Not just to your daughter,
but to your friend.
Here goes.
The man you saw in that
picture was Guido Spirelli.
He was my first husband
through an arranged marriage,
which I had later annulled.
And?
And I shot him just to watch him
die. What do you mean, "And?"
I mean, that's all? That's all
you're gonna tell me about it?
We were promised to each
other when we were nine.
By most Sicilian standards,
he was considered quite a catch.
And he was supposed to
inherit the family business.
Oh, what was the
family business?
Getting even.
So, what was the problem?
What, you didn't love him?
No, he was a workaholic.
I had the marriage annulled,
and two days after it was
official, I left for America.
Ma, why couldn't
you tell me this?
Dorothy, I went against
centuries of tradition.
You don't leave an
arranged marriage.
I disgraced my family's
entire way of life.
I think I'm finally
beginning to see.
Good.
Then you'll have the decency
to lie if anyone asks you about it.
Of course not, Ma. It all
has to go in the family history.
Don't do this, Dorothy. Don't
do something we'll both regret.
I have to, Ma.
In 1920, your
great-grandmother, Sophia Petrillo,
became a pioneer in the
women's rights movement.
She single-handedly dragged
her family into the 20th century
by refusing to be
thought of as property
and demanding instead
to marry a man she loved.
To do so, she had to leave
behind everything she'd ever known.
And that is the kind of
courage and strength
that flows through your veins.
Pussycat?
Yeah, Ma?
You make me very proud.
No, Ma, you make me proud.
I hope you're not
waiting for a hug.
Oh, come here, you tramp.
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift
would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Morning, Rose, Dorothy. Hi.
What a night.
Did you hear that
racket out front?
I didn't sleep at all.
I think Dreyfuss has the
hots for our lawn flamingo.
Ma, we don't have
a lawn flamingo.
In that case, we'd
better tip the paperboy.
What's with the photo albums?
Oh, I'm doing a family history.
And I'm gonna need your help.
You know, I think
it's important to tell
the grandchildren
about their ancestors.
Give them a sense of pride in
those who came before them.
Even Uncle Nunzio?
Even Uncle Nunzio,
but we call the goat a pet.
Anyway, Ma, I want
you to drag out anything
that'll jog your memory
about the old days.
You know, people
in St. Olaf are lucky.
We all had the same family tree.
You can trace each of us back
to the same brother and sister.
Well, I think that
completes the puzzle.
Wait a second.
Why are you asking me
questions about our family?
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna die.
You talked to my
doctor. I'm gonna die.
Ma, the doctor says
you're healthy as a horse.
Well, actually, the doctor
in our pre-paid health plan
says you're healthy as a camel.
I assume in his country
it's the same as a horse.
You know, Dorothy,
for an extra $5,
we can get a doctor who
sees patients one at a time.
Wonderful news.
The contractor says he can
start building the hot tub tomorrow.
Oh, this is so exciting.
So, Blanche, you
must be paying extra
to get a building
permit that quickly.
Hey, I'll tell you one thing,
the damn government isn't gonna
see one red cent of my money.
But, Blanche, the
city requires a permit
on any new home
construction built within five feet
of a standing structure
used as a primary dwelling.
Rose, all this
technical information,
it doesn't sound like you.
And if Blanche
doesn't get that permit,
I think they could
make her live in a shoe.
Welcome back, sweetheart.
It all happened so fast.
He grabbed her. She bit him.
He stuffed her in his calamari
wagon and sped away.
And that, dear grandchildren,
is how my parents met.
How romantic,
a roll in the squid.
May I remind you, the
purpose of these stories
is to give the
kids family pride.
Hey, I'll have you
know it was my father
who single-handedly
invented the ransom note.
If you're not gonna
take this seriously,
I'm just gonna do
the history by myself.
Hey, keep away from
that. What are you...
What's in the box?
Mexican jumping beans.
Ma.
Sorry, Hispanic jumping beans.
You don't want me to know, fine.
I wouldn't dream of
infringing on your privacy.
Look, Rudy Vallee!
Where? Where?
Dorothy, I'm gonna give you till the
count of three to give me back that box.
One...
By the way, your
reflexes are a joke.
Dorothy, guess what
I have under my robe?
That guy from the circus?
No, Dorothy, my new swimsuit.
I'm wearing it to entice
the muscular young men
who are coming over
to install my hot tub.
Would you like to see it?
Is it a two-piece?
Yes. No.
Oh, this is just so exciting.
I love construction workers.
Good with their
hands, dumb as stumps,
and don't mind showing their
buns when they bend over.
Hey, look what I found.
The box!
Rose, where did you get it?
Oh, I was just under my bed
playing, and then there it was.
Do you know whose it is?
Oh, Rose.
Oh, Rose, how can I
look at that face and lie?
It's mine.
Hi, I'm Don Benson. I'm
here about the hot tub.
Oh, my goodness,
word does travel fast.
It's not in yet, Don.
Oh, no, I'm not
here to soak in it.
I'm a city inspector.
You can't come in here.
This house has been quarantined.
We all have, uh...
Quick, Rose, give
me a deadly disease.
Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. I
don't have a deadly disease.
Well, get one.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Well, we're off to a bad start.
Won't you come in?
May I help you?
Yeah, I got a call
from a Lois Nylund.
Oh, that's Rose Nylund.
Rose, as in a series of
seats in a movie theater.
Or the flower?
Well, yeah, that, too.
Rose, can I see
you in the kitchen?
I don't know. Why don't
you go in and find out?
Get in there! Go, go!
Excuse us.
I ought to have
you horsewhipped.
I haven't even
opened the damn box!
I'm... I'm sorry.
I cannot believe
you called the city
after I specifically
asked you not to.
Well, I couldn't just sit
there and be party to a lie.
Oh, Rose, come on.
There're times it's all right to lie.
Dorothy will back me up
on this. Right, Dorothy?
No, it is not right to lie.
Anybody got a bobby pin?
Look, Rose, I have calculated
the cost of this hot tub
right down to the last penny.
I cannot afford any
useless permits.
Now, if he insists I
have to have them,
it's gonna be on
your head. Period!
Well, I can't believe
she said that.
Exclamation point.
Well, who's to say?
Question mark, new paragraph...
What the hell am I saying?
Rose.
Rose, this isn't my
box, it's my mother's.
I was gonna
open it, but I can't.
Dorothy, I'm proud of you.
I can't with a bobby pin,
maybe with a butter knife.
Rose, you're off the hook.
Don just made a quick, five-minute
inspection and guess what?
The permit's only $40.
You were right
about tellin' the truth.
Oh, well, if there's one thing
I'm good at, it's citizenship.
That and guessing the
weight of brood sows.
Shut up.
135.
Well, it's just nice to know
there's still people out there
who don't think the
city's out to get them.
Somebody moving in? Oh, hardly.
With the three of us
renting from Blanche,
we're practically sleeping
on top of each other.
Oh, you can't do that.
Well, we all wear pajamas.
No, I mean you can't rent
to more than two people
unless you have
a boarding license.
Oh. Oh, well, what the hey?
Put it on my bill.
What is it, another $40?
Well, the permit's $80.
Oh, well, that's not so bad.
But the improvements
you'll have to make
will run you about $10,000.
$10,000?
I can't afford that.
Not even if I use up
all my hot tub money.
Well, I guess you'll just
have to lose a renter.
Hey, you got 48 hours.
For... Hey, uh, Don, wait!
All right, I'm gonna catch him,
but you're gonna sleep with him.
Rose. Rose, you're not going to
believe what I found in that box.
Look at this photo.
Oh, it's Sophia
as a young bride.
Yeah, but that's not my father.
Ma was married to someone
else before she married Pop,
and she never told me.
I mean, she lied to me.
I don't know this woman.
I... I don't know my own mother.
Ah, here you are, Ma.
I still have a couple of
questions about our family history,
if that's okay.
Fine. As long as you
don't ask me about the box.
The box? What box? Oh!
It completely slipped my mind.
Oh, yeah.
That kind of thing
happens to me all the...
All the... All the
shrimp you can eat.
Nice try, Ma.
Let's talk about 1920.
Bad year. Now,
1918... I said 1920.
Okay, 1920 it is.
The year I sailed for America.
Ah, America.
The land of opportunity, where
the streets were paved with gold,
and a young man
named Irving Berlin
was writing songs like this.
Hit it.
Dorothy, where's
our piano player?
Ma, get back on the track.
1920.
Did you date much?
Not really.
Then what about this picture
of you in a wedding gown
with someone who
is identified as Guido?
Oh, World's Fair,
at the "Have your picture
taken with a Guido" booth.
Ma, you were married
to somebody else.
I have a right to know about it.
Wrong.
There are some things a daughter
should not know about her mother.
You're always sticking your
nose in where it doesn't belong.
Just like that old dog
Sandy we used to have.
God, your father loved that dog.
Can you believe that?
After I've bared my heart
and soul to that woman.
Oh, Dorothy, you hide
things from her all the time.
Yeah, but she doesn't know that.
I am the smartest
woman in the whole world.
And I am the Pygmy queen.
No, wait a minute.
Blanche, what would
you say if I got a permit
that would let you have as many
people stay here as you want?
What? Oh, that's terrific.
Rose,
this says I'm going to turn
my home into a halfway house
for recently released criminals.
Yes, Rose, you are the
smartest person in the world.
Burger World.
Rose, if I use this permit,
any kind of scum could
walk through the door.
Thieves, murderers,
men who haven't seen
a woman for 10 years,
who've been doin' nothin' but
liftin' weights and countin' the days.
Dorothy, remind me again
why this was a bad idea.
Oh, Blanche, be serious.
Now, if we want
to stay together,
we're gonna have
to raise $10,000.
Well, I don't see why I should
have to raise any money.
I didn't create this problem.
I think the moronic
Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
She's talking
about me, isn't she?
No, Rose, she's
talking about Spike Lee.
Well, don't get smart
with me, Dorothy,
just because you're out $10,000.
Me? Well, face facts.
I mean, we were
already roommates
when you brought your mother in.
So either pay up, or
Sophia should move out.
Oh, thank you very much,
but if anybody is going to
put my mother out in the cold,
it's going to be me.
No, Rose, forget it.
She did sort of just dump
the old lady on us, didn't she?
Oh, now you're buddy-buddy with
the moronic Scandinavian nitwit?
Jealous, are we?
Fine. Fine.
I try to come up
with a solution,
the two of you don't
even try to help.
Fine. Just count me out of this.
Well, fine. Just
count me out of it.
Fine. But it's your funeral.
Nice try, Dorothy,
but she'd probably need
a permit for that, too.
Oh, here you are.
All right, Rose, I have
something to say to you now,
and I want you to pay attention.
Listen to me, honey...
Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry, too.
Oh, no, but I'm really sorry.
Oh, girls, I am so sorry.
No, we're the
ones that are sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetie, get over here.
We're sorry, too.
Yes, we are. We're really
sorry. It's our fault, too.
Hey, how were you
supposed to know
I had an accident in the hall.
Hey, why were you guys sorry?
Oh, well, this isn't
solving anything.
This whole thing was my fault.
I'm gonna be
responsible. I'll move out.
Rose, you are not
going to move out.
Well, somebody has to. How
else are we gonna choose?
We could do what
they do in Russia.
We could vote.
Here, it's the only fair way.
I would just like the panel to
disregard that accident-in-the-hall thing.
All right, everybody, just write
down who you think ought to leave.
Well, you know this
is a waste of time.
I'm just gonna
write down myself.
Don't tell us that.
Yeah, maybe we should
do this. It's the fairest way.
All right, but it's just
gonna end up being me.
Okay.
Okay.
Here we go.
Good luck, ladies.
Dorothy.
Dorothy.
Dorothy.
Dorothy.
Well, that's that.
Let's eat. I'm starved.
Wait a minute. How
did this happen?
We all voted for you.
Well, Dorothy, it's
your own damn fault.
Why did you have
to vote for yourself?
I just assumed that everyone
was gonna vote for Rose,
and I... I didn't want a
sweep to hurt her feelings.
I guess that would hurt.
It does!
Oh, no.
No, wait, I cannot
allow this to happen.
Now, this whole
thing was my fault.
I am the one who must go.
No! Nobody is gonna go anywhere.
Now, there's gotta
be another way.
Well, what choice
do we have? I mean...
Oh, I'll miss you, and
you know I love you.
But it's the only way.
I'll just have to find
some other place to rent.
Oh, would you stop saying that.
Hey, wait a minute.
The city says you can't have
three renters, but what if...
What if we're all co-owners?
Co-owners?
Yeah. You sell us each
a share of the house
and we pay you every
month, like we always have,
but instead of paying rent,
we'll be paying the mortgage.
I tell you what.
Why don't we just forget
all about the mortgage,
and I'll just give you all
the house as a present?
Yeah! Then I'll just buy all your
clothes, pay for all your food,
set up trust funds for
all your grandchildren.
Throw in a piano player,
you got yourself a deal.
Like hell! This is my home
we're talking about here.
And it's more than a
home. It's memories.
Dorothy, this is where I
lived with my husband.
It's... It's my past,
and it's my future.
As I move on towards
middle age, it's all I have.
You're right, Blanche,
it's a lot to ask.
I'm sorry, but it really is.
I just could never sell it.
Not even to you all.
I know what you're
gonna say, Dorothy,
you can't stand to see me
go. But I've made up my mind.
Rose, listen... Now
you're going to tell me,
"I'll miss you. God,
how I'll miss you."
Rose, you have to listen to me.
"You know, Rosie,"
you're thinking.
"I sure could use one last St.
Olaf story before you leave."
And then I'd ask,
"Shall I tell you about
how the St. Olafians
"were one of the original
lost tribes of Israel?"
Taxi!
I knew you were gonna say that.
Look, Rose, sit down.
Now, you are not going to leave.
Rose, we need you here. Really.
You're too important here!
Okay, that's not believable.
We love you.
So, who's leaving?
Oh, we were just
discussing that, Mr. Benson.
I'm afraid that
no one's leaving.
You see, we're a family here.
Well, not the conventional one,
but we love each other and...
Excuse me, snoop.
Liar. Rhino.
Lizard.
It's real love, Mr. Benson.
It's an honest love.
And, yes, we might have secrets
that we stubbornly try
to hide from each other...
Python. Swamp insect.
But we're a family nonetheless,
and you can't break us up.
Well, as moving as all
this is, I can't help you.
I gotta file my report,
and either Mrs. Devereaux has
to bring the house up to code,
or somebody's gotta leave.
Wait just a minute. These
women no longer live in my house.
Blanche, what are you saying?
I'm saying that it's not
just my house anymore.
It's our house.
I've decided to share
the title with you.
We'll sign the deed tomorrow.
That way you'll have equity
and nobody can make you leave.
By golly, you got me.
Say, Don, why don't you drop
back by after the hot tub's in.
Ooh.
Land. I'm a
landowner. I've made it.
And it only took 80 years.
Finally, property.
I'll be planting soon.
Ma.
Oh, Blanche, this was so
generous of you. I'm so touched.
Well, you know, I
just got to thinkin'.
Yeah, this house was
the home of my family.
But you're right, you're family now.
- Yeah.
So, now it's our home.
Rabbits.
Gonna raise me some
rabbits as big as your head.
Ma, we have to talk.
I think it's time
we settled this.
Get off my property.
Ma, that's enough.
Now, look, Ma, this
isn't our relationship.
Not talking to each other.
Ma, I'm sure you
had your reasons,
but it can't have
felt good hiding
this man from
me all these years.
Well, no.
Then unburden yourself, Ma.
Not just to your daughter,
but to your friend.
Here goes.
The man you saw in that
picture was Guido Spirelli.
He was my first husband
through an arranged marriage,
which I had later annulled.
And?
And I shot him just to watch him
die. What do you mean, "And?"
I mean, that's all? That's all
you're gonna tell me about it?
We were promised to each
other when we were nine.
By most Sicilian standards,
he was considered quite a catch.
And he was supposed to
inherit the family business.
Oh, what was the
family business?
Getting even.
So, what was the problem?
What, you didn't love him?
No, he was a workaholic.
I had the marriage annulled,
and two days after it was
official, I left for America.
Ma, why couldn't
you tell me this?
Dorothy, I went against
centuries of tradition.
You don't leave an
arranged marriage.
I disgraced my family's
entire way of life.
I think I'm finally
beginning to see.
Good.
Then you'll have the decency
to lie if anyone asks you about it.
Of course not, Ma. It all
has to go in the family history.
Don't do this, Dorothy. Don't
do something we'll both regret.
I have to, Ma.
In 1920, your
great-grandmother, Sophia Petrillo,
became a pioneer in the
women's rights movement.
She single-handedly dragged
her family into the 20th century
by refusing to be
thought of as property
and demanding instead
to marry a man she loved.
To do so, she had to leave
behind everything she'd ever known.
And that is the kind of
courage and strength
that flows through your veins.
Pussycat?
Yeah, Ma?
You make me very proud.
No, Ma, you make me proud.
I hope you're not
waiting for a hug.
Oh, come here, you tramp.