The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 5 - Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy - full transcript

Blanche's former nanny, Viola Watkins, reveals a shocking fact about Big Daddy.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Blanche, would you mind coming
over and actually doing something?

Well, Dorothy Zbornak, are you
implying I'm not pullin' my weight?

That's between you
and the laws of physics.

Come on, honey. These
are your father's things.

You should be helping.

The auction's less than a
week away. There's a lot to do.

It's just so hard for me.

Big Daddy's only
been gone for a year.

Here I am, already
selling off his things.

Oh, honey, it has to be done.

I know it. I just didn't realize
how seeing these things

would bring back
so many memories.

Like Big Daddy's Bible.

Never went
anywhere without this.

Whiskey. That explains why
every Sunday after services,

he'd stand up and yell, "I can
lick any man in this church."


Oh, Pussycat.

Just the person
I was looking for.

I have a question for
you, strictly hypothetical.

Let's say a man wants to take you
out on a date. Why is that hypothetical?

Check your calendar, Pussycat.

Uh, now, would
you rather this man

had looks, personality or money?




Why did you ask me that?

No reason. Just wanted
to get your honest opinion.

Here are the answers to
that questionnaire. Aha.

If Dorothy finds out I hired a
matchmaker for her, she'll kill me.

Oh, I understand.

By the way, I'd like to change
the answer on number ten.

I think a prison
record does matter.

OK, but you just cut
her chances in half.

Never mind. Whatever you got.

Sophia, are you sure you know
what you're doing? Of course.

What do you think of a woman who
cries herself to sleep every Saturday night

because she's bored and lonely?

Your daughter
does that? I do that.

If you can fix Dorothy
up with somebody,

maybe I can get out of
the house once in a while.

Or at least stay in
and walk around naked.

Look, you better be goin'.
OK. I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You forgot to answer
the questions on the back.

And I still need a picture.

Would you settle for
a thousand words? No.

All right. I'll get
you a picture.

Now move, move.

Hey, that sign
says "No soliciting."

Come back here and I'll
blow your head off, capisce?

(telephone rings) I'll get it.

Pussycat, I have another
hypothetical question.

Let's say a man
is interested in you.

This isn't gonna stop
until one of us dies, is it?


Which of the following
characteristics could you live with?

Body odor.


Extra toes.

Ma, I couldn't live
with any of those.

Look, I am perfectly
capable of attracting a man

who is charming, good looking

and interested in
personal hygiene.

Are you gonna take
this seriously or not?

Blanche, are you all right?

I'm stunned. I'm just stunned.

Honey, what's wrong?

That call. It was Viola Watkins.

She used to be my mammy.

Your what?

My mammy - the woman who
took care of me when I was little.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't think I ever heard
anyone called "Mammy" before.

What about Mrs. Eisenhower?

"Mammy" Eisenhower.

I think only the Nixon
kids got to call her that.

Anyway, Mammy says she's gonna be in town
in a few days, and she wants to see me.

You don't sound very happy
about it. Didn't you like her?

Oh, I adored her.

She was like
another mother to me.

In fact, she was
the only friend I had.

I was a lonely child.

My sisters refused
to play with me

because I was so beautiful.

Do you know what that's like?

No, course you don't.

I loved her, and I
thought she loved me.

And then one day,
when I was ten years old,

she left - no goodbyes,
no explanation.

Just disappeared.
I was devastated.

We Southerners don't
forget things like that.

It's true. Possum is brain food.

You know, I had a
nanny when I was a child.

She was my best friend.

I could tell her anything, and
I'd know she'd keep it a secret.

Oh, we used to spend the days
running and playing in the meadow.

Or playing
hide-and-seek in the barn.

My nanny treated me
just like I was her own kid.

Excuse me.

Is there anyone here who doesn't
think she was talking about a goat?

Hi, Pussycat.

Gee, you look nice
tonight. Thank you.

But lean over here and smile. I think
you have something on your teeth.

Oh, really?

Ma, why did you do that?

Playboy is running a spread on
the substitute teachers of Miami.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I'll get it.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
Blanche Devereaux.

Mammy? Mammy Watkins?


I sure could use a hug.


I was speakin' to Blanche. Oh.


Um... Mammy, I want
you to meet my friends.

This is Dorothy Zbornak.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

And this is Rose Nylund.

We've met. (laughs)

Won't you sit down?

Blanche, I wanted to
tell you how sorry I was

to hear of your
father's passin'.

He was a wonderful,
wonderful man. Thank you.

As a matter of fact, that's
really the reason I've come here.

Oh? My friends in
Atlanta read in the papers

where you'd be sellin' off
his things here in Miami,

and before you did, there's
something I'd like to ask you for.

The Bible? No,
thanks. I don't drink.

There was a music box.

I gave it to your family,
and I just can't bear

the thought of a
stranger buying it.

I'm afraid I'm in no
position to bid for it myself,

and I was hoping you
could give it to me as a gift.

Let me get this right.

I don't hear from you
for years and years,

then out of the blue
I get a phone call,

and you come waltzing
through that door

and want me to give
you a music box?

Oh, wait. It's Mamie!

Just under the buzzer, Rose.

It was of great
sentimental value, Blanche,

I assure you.

It just so happens we
haven't found any music box.

Yes, we have. It's in
that box - Shut up, Rose.

I'm sorry you wasted
a whole trip out here,

but we're not handin'
out free gifts today.

Why don't you drop by again
in another 30 years or so?

We'll see what we can do.

They grow up so
quickly, don't they?

I had a wonderful
time tonight, Jack.

Good. So did I.

You know, I don't ever
go out on blind dates,

but Ma was so insistent,

and you sounded
so nice on the phone.

I am nice.

They don't call 'em
"correctional facilities" for nothin'.

And a sense of humor, too.


Boy, I bet we're both relieved

Mrs. Contini did such a
great job matching us up, huh?

I'll have to thank
her in the morning.

Wait. Could we back
that up a second?

Who is Mrs. Contini? What
do you mean "matching us up"?

You know, Mrs. Contini, the
matchmaker who brought us together.

I realize the process is
hopelessly old-fashioned,

but it's a lot more personal than those
video-dating services, don't you think?

I'm afraid there's
been a terrible mistake.

I think you'd better go.

W-Wait. C-Can I see
you again? Probably not.

I will be at the Florida
State Women's Prison.

The one in Jacksonville? They
used to come to our dances.

Why are you going there? Murder.

Oh, you're gonna
meet some great gals.

Hi, Pussycat.

Say goodbye, old woman.

Have a good time?

Do I sound like I
had a good time?

How the hell should I
know? You're always like this.

Your matchmaker set
me up with a criminal!


Ma, will you stop meddling
in my life? I am sick of it.

I told you, if I want a date,
I can find one for myself.

Oh, Dorothy. Dear,
sweet, delusional Dorothy.

Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm
having a heart-to-heart with my mother.

Now listen up, you withered
old Sicilian monkey...

I don't have to take this.

Keep it up, and I'll take
you to Shady Pines.

That's where I take you.

Ouch. Guess I
backed into that one.

Blanche, what do you want me to
do with Big Daddy's encyclopedias?

Oh, put 'em with the
Bible in the liquor cabinet.

(doorbell rings)

What are you doin' here?

Blanche, I came here for
more than just the music box.

It was wonderful to see
you after all these years.

You are still my
little dumplin'.

That's all very sweet, but
you're not getting the music box.

Now, if you will
please excuse me.

Blanche Marie Hollingsworth, sit
down. I'm not a little girl anymore.

You can't tell me - I said sit!

Now, Blanche, that
music box is a lot more

important to me than
you can possibly know.

I didn't give it to your family.

I gave it to your father.

It was a special gift.

I don't understand.

Blanche, I loved your father.

Of course you did.
Everybody loved Big Daddy.

No, I mean I loved your father.

Get outta here.

We were lovers, Blanche.

That's impossible. Big
Daddy was a Republican.

These are letters he wrote me.

They're personal.

I wouldn't normally have
another person read them,

but they explain everything
better than I ever could.

I'm sorry, Blanche.

I know this comes as a surprise.

(Rose) Look, Blanche.

Oh, hi. I found this picture
of your mother and father.

What do you want
me to do with it?

Mrs. Zbornak. Mrs. Petrillo.

Oh, good. You two are talking.

We're not talking.

I'm still furious with Ma for
hooking me up with that matchmaker.

That reminds me of a story

about St. Olaf's most
famous matchmaker.

Oh, please, Rose, spare
me the endless inane details

of how Heidi

successfully matched
a bull with a duck.

And how their
daughter was a bull duck

who ran a small
tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Honey, what's the matter?

I just found out that Mammy
Watkins and Big Daddy

had an affair.

They were lovers.

For over 50 years.

And we can't even get
anybody to do our windows.

Honey, are you sure?

Yes. Mammy Watkins gave me
these letters Big Daddy wrote to her.

"I'd swim across many oceans

"for a glimpse of your face.

"I'd climb the tallest mountains

"for the sound of your voice.

I'd walk a million miles
for one of your smiles."

Seems authentic.

I just can't get over it.

Over what? San Juan Hill, Rose.

Over the fact that her father
had an affair with her mammy.

I don't know what to think.

This changes everything I
ever thought about Big Daddy.

I always assumed that he and
Mama had a wonderful sex life.

I walked in on 'em once
when I was a little girl.

There was all this huffin' and
puffin' and high-pitched sounds.

Then suddenly Big
Daddy shouted "Glory!"

and they both lit up cigarettes.

I vowed then and there I would
never do anything so repulsive.

So what happened?

Oh, Bobby Joe
Porter explained to me

that the cigarette
part was optional.

Remember that one time
you walked in on me, Dorothy?

Oh, yeah. I still
remember what you said.

"Mommy's sick. Get help."

I would have died if I'd ever
caught my parents having sex.

You never walked in on them?

Once, but they were
only playing leapfrog.

Have you seen Blanche? I
think she's in her room. Why?

I really need to talk to her.

Every time you need
to talk to somebody,

you go to your
mother or to Blanche.

Why doesn't anybody ever talk
to me? Your advice always comes

with one of those
damn St. Olaf stories.

I can give advice without
a damn St. Olaf story.

Now, what's wrong?

Well, I just don't
think it was right of Ma

to hire that matchmaker
behind my back.

Now, why does she
always meddle in my life?

Dorothy, I recently
read about a man in...

Paris, France...

named Frudensteufer - Rose...

Pierre Frudensteufer.

He worked in his
father's herring -

no, quiche factory,
and his father Lars Fr-

Do I look like I just
fell off the turnip truck?

No. But you do look like the
woman who used to drive it.

Her name was Uma Van Hefflan.

No relation. Although
she, too, collected string.

Well, one day -
Rose, stop yourself.

You're doing two of
them at the same time.

I know, and I'd like
to try to handle it.

I feel like Hans
the Plate Spinner.

Funny thing about - Rose!

Oh, my God,
Dorothy. I need help.

Rose, you're headed
for a meltdown.

Now make a point, any point.

The point of the story -
actually, two of the stories -

is that you let your pride
get in the way too often.

The only reason your
mother did what she did

was she didn't want
you to be lonely.

When you think about it, the idea
of a matchmaker is kinda sweet.

Dorothy, can we talk?

I just want you to understand
why I did what I did.

Pussycat, I realize I was wrong

by not talking to you
before hiring a matchmaker,

but what you don't understand
is where I come from,

matchmaking is
an age-old tradition.

For centuries, people
have been happy

being brought
together by a third party.

Ma, I understand.

I-I really appreciate
what you're trying to do.

Good. And in
keeping with that spirit,

I sold you to the
sultan of Fatah. Ma.

What? You're a
substitute teacher.

It'll be just like
The King and I.

Ma, why do you do this?

I want you to be
happy. I am happy.

Look, Ma, I know that you think

there's something missing
from my life, but there isn't.

If the right person
comes along, great,

but I don't need a
man to be happy.

I didn't realize that about you.

On Mrs. Contini's questionnaire,

there's a box about that.

Anybody for barbecued chicken?

Oh, I'm afraid we're
out of charcoal, honey.

Who needs charcoal? That's
what these letters are for.

Now, if I can just find that music
box, we'll have us a big ol' fire.

Blanche, what are you doing?

I certainly can't let Mammy
Watkins have these things.

That'd be just like giving my
consent to what happened.

For my sake and my
mama's, I cannot do that.

Blanche, your father
obviously loved this woman.

You loved this woman.

I think you'll feel a lot
better if you talk to her.

All right, I'll talk to her, but I
can't promise anything else.

I once wrote some
letters to my nanny.

We know, Rose. She ate them.

(doorbell rings)

Thank you for coming.

I'm glad you called.

Please, sit down.

Well, this has been
very difficult for me,

but I want you to
know I forgive you.

I don't need your forgiveness.

I'm not ashamed of
anything I've done.

Blanche, your father
and I were in love.

We didn't mean for it
to happen, but it did.

In another time and place,
we would have been married,

but at that time in the
South, it wasn't an option.

And it wasn't only
physical, either.

You just don't go through what
Curtis and I went through just for sex.

Although that was reason enough.

Blanche, did I shock you?

Yes. I've never heard anybody call
Big Daddy by his first name before.

He was the only
man I ever loved,

and now he's gone.

I'd like to have the music box.



Oh, yeah, that's right.

Walk out, just like the last
time. What are you talkin' about?

You didn't even say goodbye.

I woke up one morning,
and you were gone.

I loved you.

I spent the next few years
wondering what I'd done,

what I'd said to
make you leave me.

So that's what
this is all about?

Honey, you didn't
do anything wrong.

I had to leave that night because your
mother found out about your father and me.

Well, you don't love
a little girl for ten years

and then just
walk out of her life!

Aw, face it. You didn't care.

Did you or did you not
wear your very first formal -

white with pink trim
- to the junior prom?

And did you not come home
wearin' a football jersey?

It was dark in that hay loft.

Your father and I
spent many an hour

trying to figure out
what to do with you.

You drove that
man to distraction.

Maybe you talked about me, but
that's not the same thing as bein' there.

I know that.

I remember a wedding reception

early one June

when the most beautiful
bride I'd ever seen

danced with her
equally handsome father.

You were there?

The song was "Tennessee Waltz,"

and you asked the
band to play it twice

so you could dance with
your daddy as long as possible.

I stood in the back
with the caterers

so no one would notice.

You don't know how
much I wanted to hug you.

I just had to see my
dumplin' on her weddin' day.


I think Big Daddy
would want you -

I want you to have this.

Blanche, I don't
know what to say.

This isn't the right music box.

That's the only
music box there is.

The music box I gave your father

was black enamel
and played "Stardust."

(♪ "Bonanza" theme)

Theme from Bonanza.

Well, then, I guess we went
through all this for nothin'.

I wouldn't say for nothin'.

Then who the hell
gave him this music box?