The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 6 - Feelings - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Blanche, I'm trying to decide
what to get Dorothy for her birthday.

What do you think about this?



"Good looking single white male
seeks fun times on a regular basis."

Well, it's something
she doesn't have.

Hi.

Dorothy, you're
home from school.

Aw, Ma, do you realize you've
said the same thing to me

just that way ever since I was
in the third grade. It's sweet.

It's not sweet, it's pathetic.

52 years and you've never
stopped off anywhere. Get a life!

So did you teach
anybody anything today?

Well, I tried but it
seems none of the kids

are interested in learning
how to diagram sentences.

I really don't get it. Am I the only one
who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?

You talk like this
on dates, don't you?

Dorothy, you're a substitute.



Your job isn't
actually to teach.

Then what is it?

To keep the kids from
burning the school down

before the other
teacher gets back.

No, normally, you'd be right.

But this class knows that I'm
filling in for the whole semester.

I must say it's really nice
having the same class every day

and watching them
grow and learn.

And of course, they're not trying any
of that usual substitute shenanigans.

Is that "kick me hard"
sign a fashion statement?

Another one?

Oh, no, this isn't
what you think.

No, this isn't because
I'm a substitute.

This is because I am flunking
the star of the football team,

and he's not gonna be
able to play on Saturday.

Oh, what a relief. I thought
you were the brunt of a joke.

Turns out they really hate you.

Dorothy, why don't you
pass the kid so he can play?

I doubt if The Canterbury Tales
is gonna come up in a huddle.

I agree, Dorothy.
Saturday's game is a big one.

And speaking as a former cheerleader
and ex-bad girl in a health film,

I can tell you the importance of

school-sanctioned
extracurricular activities.

Now, look, I want you both to know
that I don't enjoy failing anybody.

Especially this
kid. But he's lazy.

In his book report on A Tale of Two
Cities, he said he liked them both,

but he really prefers Minneapolis,
'cause that's where Prince is from.

Hi, Rose. Oh, hi, honey.

Rose? Honey?

Is something the matter?

I just got back from
having my teeth worked on.

Oh, what was it, a wisdom tooth?

(all laughing)

My dentist touched me.
I think he felt my breast.

Oh, Rose, that's
terrible. What happened?

Well, when the nitrous oxide wore
off, and my head began to clear,

Lou, that's my dentist, said
he was checking my heartbeat,

but I think he was
up to more than that.

Well, why, Rose? I mean,
what gave you that idea?

I don't think "wowee-wow-wow-wow"
is a medical term.

How could he do
a thing like that?

Believe me, just because men in
the medical profession wear white,

does not mean
that they're angels.

He did something horrible and
unethical, and he has to answer for it.

We are gonna find out who
the proper authorities are,

and you're gonna
lodge a formal complaint.

I wish men would have
breasts just for one day.

Then they'd know what it's like to
be judged by some physical trait.

I mean, just because
I'm built like this,

you wouldn't believe how
many people think I'm dumb.

Rose, you're too
hard on yourself.

I know people who think
you're dumb over the phone.

(doorbell rings)

Doorbell!

(doorbell rings)

Doorbell!

Ma, what is the matter with
you? Can't you answer the door?

My butt's asleep, and you
know, I'm kinda gettin' into it.

Hi, Zbornak. We need to
talk. Yeah, come in, Coach.

Ma, this is Nick Odlivak,
the football coach.

I never thought I'd say this,
Dorothy, but I think you can do better.

Coach, let me save you a speech.

Kevin deserves an F,
and that's what he's getting.

In all the years I've
been at St. Sebastian

Kevin Kelly's the best
athlete I've ever coached.

For the very first time, we got
a genuine shot at taking state.

With Kevin playing, we can
win that game in our sleep.

My butt's asleep.

We don't get much company.

Look, that's my decision.

Goodbye, Coach. All
right, all right, all right.

I'll tell you what.
I'll sweeten the pot.

You let Kevin play this weekend,

and I'll take you
out Saturday night.

You haven't read The Art of
the Deal, have you, Coach?

Do I smell aftershave?

The coach was here, trying to get
me to compromise my principles.

I don't see what the big
deal is about passing this boy.

Why, in my neck of the woods,

they practically
gave grades away.

Blanche, in your neck of the woods,
men named Bubba get into law school.

Look, Blanche, it's time
that somebody took a stand.

I mean, it's time that somebody
made a difference in Kevin's life.

Oh, Rose. Honey,
did you make the call?

Blanche, I appreciate you giving
me the dental examiner's number,

but when I thought about
actually filing a report...

Rose, people like your dentist
count on their victims to back down.

Honey, you have to have courage.

Rose, this is not unusual. In most
cases when a person is molested,

it's by a friend or a relative.
Someone they know.

But there are other considerations.
What if I were wrong?

The last time I had courage,
I confronted Lukan Ulfnooner,

St. Olaf's moodiest
plastic surgeon.

Thank you very much,
Rose. That was a great story.

Nice try, Dorothy.

Anyway, Doctor Ulfnooner
did some work on my mom.

And do you know who she came
out looking like? Raymond Massey.

Rose, that's terrible.

That's what I thought when I accused
him of malpractice and ruined his business.

Unfortunately,
little did I know...

Know what, Rose?

That was the look
she was going for.

Rose, just because you
had one bad experience

doesn't mean you shouldn't
confront Dr. Norgan.

Now, you were
taken advantage of.

Blanche, I was groggy.

And I'm not 100% sure he did it.

And as far as being taken
advantage of, look who's talking.

I beg your pardon. Why, when
I submit to a man's advances,

it is with my consent.

A woman has the option to say no.
Honey, you weren't given that option.

You were given nitrous oxide!

By the way, Blanche,
when did you ever say no?

Did I say there was going to be a
question and answer period after I spoke?

Oh, Sophia. Thank you,
honey. How perfectly lovely.

Well, I was boiling water anyway
to shrink the cyst on my backside.

I figured, "What the hell? I'll throw in
a tea bag and make myself a hero."

(doorbell rings)

Ah, Father O'Mara,
this is a surprise.

Hello, Dorothy. May I come in?

Well, of course you
may. Please, come in.

Ma, Blanche, this is Father
O'Mara, St. Sebastian's Dean of Boys.

Father, this is my mother, Sophia
Petrillo, my roommate, Blanche Devereaux.

Hello. Blanche Devereaux?
I've heard quite a bit about you.

All good, I hope.

I'm sorry, I can't reveal
things learned in confession.

But it's nice to match
the name up with a face.

Father, won't you sit down? And
would you like something to drink?

Tea would be lovely,
if it's no trouble.

No, not at all.

I already had some boiling water
on account of this cyst on my bottom.

Ma!

Dorothy, as you're
already eminently aware,

St. Sebastian's has a very
big football game on Saturday.

Father, I would think that you, of
all people, would have higher ideals.

The highest. What I'm
trying to say to you, Dorothy,

is I truly believe that He would
want Kevin to play Saturday.

Really?

I had no idea that He...

took such an interest
in high school football.

Oh, yes. He likes all
sports. Even gymnastics.

And I'm told you're
quite the gymnast.

Oops.

Father, I could really use the
support of the administration on this.

I'm thinking of the school
as a whole, Dorothy.

I'm thinking of the community.

I'm thinking about Kevin.

Well, if there's nothing I can
say to change your mind...

But I feel I should inform you

that we have an
active and vocal alumni

and I can't be responsible
for their actions.

Is that a threat?

More like a concern.

I appreciate your concern, Father,
but I'm sticking to my decision.

Ma, what is it now?

You threw a priest out of
the house. You disgust me.

I'm gonna go sit in my tea.

Ma, what are you doing?

I can't believe I have a daughter
who threw a priest out the door.

Ma, you have relatives who
threw priests out of windows.

That was business.

Dorothy, somebody left this package
for you outside on the front porch.

Oh? What is it?

A fish wrapped in newspaper.

Oh, my God! Dorothy,
you know what this means?

White wine with dinner?

Do I look like I'm laughing?
Here, read this note.

"If Kevin Kelly doesn't
play in Saturday's game,

Dorothy Z. Sleeps
with the fishes."

Dorothy, please,
give the kid a "D."

Oh, come on, Ma,
it's just a prank.

Dorothy, I don't think you realize the
significance of football in the South.

I've had men break dates
with me to go to football games.

Oh, come on. Nobody's going to kill
me over a high school football game.

They killed this fish.
Dorothy, please. I'm scared.

All right. All right, Ma.
Nothing to be scared about.

I'll change Kevin's grade.
I mean, this isn't worth it.

I can't put my
family through this.

I thought I could
make a difference.

I can't. They win.

Thank you, Dorothy.
That makes me feel better.

That's good, Ma.

Dorothy, can we
have a big-screen TV?

No.

Dorothy, please. I'm scared.

What's going on? Oh, Blanche
is telling me about Freud.

Why you asking her? I'm
the one who slept with him.

Sophia, this is serious, honey.

According to this book, if Rose
doesn't confront Dr. Norgan,

she could take her
hostilities out on us.

Tunnels. He loved to
drive through tunnels.

Cheesecake. Good idea.
Now we can be old and fat.

Let me handle this.

Rose, you obviously had
a very traumatic childhood.

I need to hear your whole life.

I want you to start at the beginning
and tell me your first memory.

Ma, I'm sorry. I didn't want
your last days to be like this.

Close your eyes and think
back. What do you see?

A cow.

A chicken, a goat, a lamb,
a rooster... no, two roosters.

A pig. There's a man with a gun.

He lifts the gun up into the
air. He shoots it and they're off.

The pig takes the lead, the
chicken is in second place,

the roosters are neck and neck,
right on the tail of the chicken.

They're going down the back
stretch... Rose, Rose, Rose.

Before the menagerie
rounds the clubhouse turn,

you have to make the
decision to confront Dr. Norgan.

You can't keep something
like this bottled up inside.

You're not alone. I have
trouble confronting people.

Yeah, right, Ma. Like just the other
day when you made the butcher cry.

The man wouldn't trim the
fat. What choice did I have?

When somebody does
something wrong and it

violates you, you
should tell them about it.

She's right. It's not
easy living with yourself

when you haven't stood
up for what you believe in.

I know. I backed
down myself today.

I guess I have to go and
talk to him. You'll feel better.

I'll go. Thank you,
Blanche. All of you.

Oh, Blanche, you did a pretty good
job focusing this for Rose. And for me.

I have to admit, you would have
made a very good psychologist.

Great idea, Pussycat. Give
Blanche an office with a couch

and a license to
charge by the hour.

(doorbell rings)

Doorbell.

Morning, Ms. Zbornak.
Can we come in?

Well, I don't know,
Kevin. Can you?

Uh, may we come
in? Yes, of course.

Please come right in.

I don't know what just happened here,
but it didn't sound like it deserved an F.

It's because Kevin
is not an F student.

Look, it's not that I'm lazy, Ms.
Zbornak. I'm just really busy with ball.

I wanted to read The Tale of Two
Cities, but I didn't have the time.

That was my fault, Kevin - for interrupting
the high school experience with a book.

Hey, you didn't know.

Kevin, what're you gonna do
when you're out in the world

competing with young men
who have applied themselves?

Like Ralph Zaldin.

You know, the boy whose underpants you
turned into a hat yesterday after school?

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Ms.
Zbornak, but Ralph Zaldin's a geek.

Oh, a student pays attention,
works hard, gets good grades.

Does that make him a geek?

No, that makes him a dork.

A geek is more like, you
know, somebody with no friends,

stays home every Saturday
night, nose always buried in a book.

One word out of you and I
cut off your supply of Metamucil.

Look, Kevin, the reason
you're in this trouble

is because you have not
been working up to your ability.

I'll tell you what: if you can
spare me two evenings a week,

I'll give you an incomplete in
English and tutor you privately

until you can pass
the whole course.

That way you'll be
eligible to play tomorrow.

Fine. Fine. Well, as soon
as football season's over.

Young man, she is doing you a favor.
She's taking time from her busy schedule...

They don't know
you have no life.

Kevin, no dice. You take it or
leave it. These are my terms.

Look, Coach, you told me if I
was nice to her, she'd roll over.

I'm outta here.

If you wanna win tomorrow,
it's up to you. Kevin!

Life gets tougher outside of the
Driver's Ed. car, doesn't it, Coach?

Zbornak, I'll do whatever I have to do to
make sure that Kevin plays in that game.

If you don't want to
make it easy on us, fine.

But you're not gonna stop us. I
guarantee you, that boy will be playing.

Well, at least I stood
up for my principles.

This is the proudest I've
been of you in my whole life.

Thanks, Ma. Can you believe it?

My whole life and this is
the proudest I've ever been.

I'm depressed. I need a cookie.

Hello, Rose. Hello.

Well, let's get to
work. Hop in the chair.

Look, Dr. Norgan... Hey, what's this
"Dr. Norgan"? What happened to "Lou"?

All right. Lou... There's something
I have to talk to you about.

Great. We'll talk while
I work. Come on, sit.

I, uh...

Here we go. I'll do that.

Now, Rose, what is it that
you wanted to talk to me about?

Well, I...

(muffled indistinct)

Now, Rose, don't be ridiculous.

You can feel free to
discuss any subject with me.

(muffled)

Certainly I remember
our last appointment.

Bill's already in the mail.

(muffled)

No, there was nothing out of
the ordinary about the procedure.

I put in a temp, and now
you are ready for a crown.

I'm not talking
about the procedure.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

You touched me. You
fondled me. Didn't you?

Rose, this happens
to dentists all the time.

A side effect of the anesthesia
can be hallucinations, fantasy.

It's like a dream.

I probably brushed up against
you and in your woozy state...

I am so sorry.

It's all right, Rose.

Well, listen, what do you say
we take a look at that crown.

Oh, you must hate me.

Rose, I don't hate
you. You're a friend.

A nice person. I look
forward to our times together.

(mumbles)

You truly are a considerate,
compassionate, understanding woman.

Lovely woman. Delicate.
Innocent. Enchanting.

Wowee-wow-wow-wow.

Oh!

Stand back. I'm
not afraid to use this.

Rose, what are you doing?

Oh, darn you! I believed you.

I even apologized to you.

Rose, I forgot myself. It
will never happen again.

You're damn right it won't happen
again. Not to me or to anybody else.

I'm reporting you to
the State Dental Board.

Rose! One more
thing before I go.

What? Dance.

Come in.

Oh, no. You're not a
substitute nurse too, are you?

I'm sorry about your knee.

You know, you wouldn't have been
blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.

You know football?
I know everything.

Ah, I see some people
have already signed your cast.

Uh, yeah. Some of the guys from
the team. Uh, are you signing it?

Correcting it.

There is no K in victory.

Oh, yeah, and we'll
just change this to:

"Ms. Zbornak eats
shiitake mushrooms."

Listen, if you're feeling guilty
about not influencing my life, don't.

People have been trying to
get me to be serious for years.

We made a deal. You
promised me that I could tutor you

once football season was
over, and it looks like it is.

Yeah, but this isn't
exactly fair. I can't move.

I know. I know. It'll be like
teaching fish in a barrel.

Shall I begin? Do
I have a choice?

Well, you could
push the call button,

but I'll be done with the book
by the time the nurse gets here.

So, "It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."

Good stuff, huh?

"It was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness.

"It was the epoch of belief, it
was the epoch of incredulity.

It was the season of Light..."