The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 6 - Dancing in the Dark - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Oh...

Blanche, what are you doing
lining shelves on a Friday night?



I'm workin' off all my
excess sexual energy.

Why don't we just hook
you up to the toaster

and make Pop-Tarts?

Don't make fun, Dorothy.

This is the fifth Friday night
in a row I haven't had a date.

Honey, you're
just in a little slump.

Is that what this is? I
never been in one before.

Well, it feels like hell.

Dorothy, how do you go
through this for years at a stretch?

I have compassionate
friends around me.

Well, I guess eventually
this was bound to happen.

I can just feel my femininity
slippi" through my fingers.

And in the past there's always
been a man there to catch it.

Oh... Blanche, you're
being ridiculous.



You are as attractive and
desirable as you always were.

But a lot of men can
be frightened by that.

They don't know if they can
handle that much woman.

So every once in a
while this'll happen.

No, Blanche, it takes
a strong, confident,

sophisticated man
to appreciate you.

But, honey, they're out there

wanting you as much
as you want them.

I knew it had to be
something like that.

Thank you, Dorothy.

There really is one
born every minute.

Ha ha. Thanks for
seeing us home, Miles.

It's my pleasure, Rose.

Well, hello, there.

Oh, I didn't know
you had company.

Dorothy, Blanche, I'd like
you to meet Miles Webber.

How do you do, Miles?
Nice to meet you. Thank you.

A real delight.

Miles is my dancing
partner at the ballroom.

Oh, yes, and tonight we were
the king and queen of the rumba.

Olé.

Ma, did you have a good time?

Great. I even made a few bucks.

How did you do that, Sophia?

The place was packed with
old geezers ripe for the picking.

I charged them 10 cents a dance.

Ma, you didn't!

Please. I worked
hard for that money.

Half the time they'd fall
asleep in the middle of a song.

How would you like
to hold Mr. Morelli up

for two choruses of
"Jeepers Creepers"?

Ma, you did all
that for 10 cents?

I know. It's worth a buck.

But all these guys lived
through the Depression.

For a buck they
expect a good time,

a shoe shine and
a full tank of gas.

(jingles)

Listen, Rose, I'm
having a little get-together

over at my place tomorrow night.

Someone I work with is retiring,
and I was hoping you'd come.

Oh, I'd love it.
Around 8:00, then?

Mm. Oh, good.

Well, good night, ladies.

Nice meeting you. Come
back and see us some time.

Good night, Rose.

Good night.

(sighs)

As they say in St. Olaf,

helderbargenberg
gefloefen wurterberg.

You wanna help
us out here, Rose?

Well, there's really no
English word for gefloefen.

Loosely translated, it means,

"I hope you have a license
to carry that gefloefen."

And, uh, this is a quality
that you look for in a man?

Yes.

Oh, maybe I'm crazy
to be so attracted

by someone I hardly
know, but I can't help it.

I've been dying for
him to ask me out,

but we never really
talk, we just dance.

Well, what do you
know about him?

Nothing. Except he's
a wonderful dancer.

Oh, well, what's that? All
that proves is he has rhythm.

I see what you mean.

You know, you can
learn a lot about a man

just by the way he
holds you in his arms.

Whether he's kind,
sensitive, caring...

He dipped you, didn't he?

All evening.

Oh, Lord.

So long since I've been dipped.

I can't even remember
which end of a gefloefen is up.

(doorbell)

Rose. Well, come on in.

You're missing all the fun.

I'll bet you probably
thought that a party

full of college professors
would be stuffy, but not this one.

You're a college professor?

Well, what did you think I meant
when I said I taught Hemingway?

I thought you were old.

Come on. I want you to
meet some people, Rose.

Gale, Lillian, this
is my friend Rose.

How do you do?

Hello. Miles, we were
just hypothesizing.

If you were to invite
any two people,

living or dead, to dinner,
who would they be?

Well, Lillian picked
Winston Churchill

and Browning without his wife.

(laughing) (laughing)

Rose, whom would you pick?

Just two? Well, that's tough.

I... Well, I'd feel
guilty if I didn't invite

my two best friends,
Dorothy and Blanche,

but would it be OK if Jesus
stopped by for dessert?

(laughs)

Didn't I tell you she
was something special?

Rose, why don't I get you something
to drink? What would you like?

Ginger ale if you
have it. All right.

Oh, but first I want
to introduce you

to two of my closest friends.

Harv, Elise, this
is my friend Rose.

Take good care of her.

Hello. We were just
having a little disagreement.

Now, Harv, Moby Dick is
about self-fulfilling prophesy.

Oh, come on, Elise. The whale
represents coming to terms

with the self-hatred
that's in all of us.

What do you think? Uh...

I-I was just having
a conversation

with two people over there

speculating on if you could
have any two people in the world,

living or dead, to
your house for dinner,

what would you eat?

Blanche, I didn't
know you went out.

Are you coming back from a date?

You know, Dorothy,
sometimes you can be so cruel.

Honey, If you didn't have a date,
how come you're so dressed up?

Well, I sat down
and tried to think

of a surefire place to meet men.

It was so obvious I couldn't
believe I hadn't thought of it before.

The hardware store.

I mean, hardware stores
are alive with sexual energy.

Tools, plugs, sockets,

nude furniture,
dirty stuff like that.

Why are you home so early?

Well, I saw a very
attractive man in power tools.

I piqued his interest with
the usual hardware questions.

"Where does this go?"

"What does this do?"

And he followed me to plumbing,

where I bought a
see-through shower curtain.

And, uh, where is he now?

Tied to the roof
rack of your car?

No, there was something
about him that turned me off.

I think it was the way he
cleaned his ears with his keys.

Hi.

You're home early.
Did you enjoy yourself?

Not really. Miles' friends
are all college professors.

I don't get it.

When we're on the dance floor,

it feels like we're
made for each other.

But tonight, with all
his brilliant friends

at the party, I felt
like a fish out of water.

Oh, sure I didn't flop
around on the floor

with my eyes bulging
out gasping for air.

I haven't done that
at a party in years.

Honey, you know, anybody
would feel out of her league

in a room full of
college professors.

You should have a
home field advantage.

Why don't you
invite him over here?

Dorothy's right.

We can create the illusion
that you're interestin'.

That's a hell of an illusion.

Maybe we should
just saw her in half.

Excuse me. I'll get the coffee.

Dinner was delicious,
Rose. What was it?

It's a Scandinavian
specialty - kuldomar.

I've never heard of that
before, but it's marvelous.

Oh, you just throw together
some ground pork and cabbage.

Cabbage, she serves me.

In ten minutes I
could be sky-writing.

You girls were right about
getting Miles on my turf.

Oh, Blanche, and I'm really
grateful for you steering

the table talk to
things I know about.

Well, you ought to
be. It wasn't that easy

working natural fertilizer
into the dinner conversation.

What are you planning next?

I don't know.

Do you think it's too soon
to put on the bloopers tape?

Just a tad.

So the existentialist
says to the psychiatrist,

"Just because you don't
see a parrot on my head..."

(laughs)

Eh? You see?

(Dorothy and Miles laugh)

Ooh, listen. Rose,
I was wondering.

If you're not busy
Saturday afternoon,

the university is
playing Shostakovich.

Oh, I'd love to go.
And I'll bet we beat 'em.

Rose, honey, it's not a
team. It's a composer.

Oh.

I better get the dessert.

She sure left in a hurry.

Hey, who told her
to feed me cabbage?

I thought I'd give you
a hand with the dessert.

What's wrong, Rose?

"It's not a team,
Rose. It's a composer."

Couldn't you
pretend it was a team

and make him look stupid?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm not going back out
there. He'll never miss me.

Of course he'll miss you. Rose,
you're the one he came to see.

But he can talk to you.

Why should he care
about what I'd have to say?

I'm just not smart
enough to keep up.

Oh, now, Rose, that is not true.

It is and you know it.

I've never felt
like this before.

I was one of the
smartest people in St. Olaf.

I was a fool to think we
could have a relationship.

Please apologize to him for me.

I'd do it, but it would
just sound stupid.

Fine. I will tell her.

Bye-bye.

Hi. Hi, Rose.

Rose, Miles called again.

He wants you to meet
him outside the concert hall.

I asked you to tell
him I'm not going.

I'm not gonna do your
dirty work for you, Rose.

Well, I don't wanna talk to him.

He makes me feel foolish.

I don't even feel comfortable

telling him St. Olaf stories.

I wanna know
exactly what he's said

to make you feel that way.

Look, I'm not going out
with him. You go, Blanche.

What? Well, you like him.

I know you do. So you go.

Why, I couldn't.

Of course she couldn't.

You stay outta this, Dorothy.

Well, why not? It's
all over between us.

He'll know that tonight.

It's impossible.
I'd - I'd feel like a...

I'd feel like a... A
backstabbing slut?

No.

Then please go, for me.

I'll feel better knowing
this thing is finally over with.

Well, since you
put it that way...

But only as a personal
favor to you, honey.

Well, I guess I'd
better go get dressed.

Thank you, Blanche.

Can you believe that
backstabbing slut?

Oh, Ma, you going
to the ballroom again?

No. I was thinking of
wearing this when I die.

What do you think?

Come on, Rose,
why aren't you ready?

I'm not going. How come?

Miles might be there,
and... I don't know.

Oh, now, Rose, don't say
you're going to feel stupid.

You are not stupid. You just...

march to a different drummer.

Yeah, the little windup monkey

banging on the snare drum.

Ma... I was agreeing.

Blanche, how was the concert?

It is amazing how music
that loud can be so boring.

And Miles? Oh, even
more boring than the music.

All he did all night
was talk about you.

How sweet Rose is.
How attractive Rose is.

How much fun Rose is.

I might as well have worn a bra.

Did he really say that?
You're not just making that up?

I never make up stories
where I come out lookin' bad.

He also said he's going
to the ballroom tonight,

and he hopes you'll be there.

Oh, I couldn't.

Oh, I mean, I
want to, but I can't.

Why not?

What if Miles and I are dancing

and I say something idiotic?

Just breathe it in his ear.

Nothing sounds
idiotic if it's wet enough.

Will you come with
me for moral support?

Oh, not tonight, Rose. No, no.

I wanna get to bed early,
curl up with a good book.

That's all you ever do.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is, Dorothy.

That's all you've done
lately, and it's pathetic.

What's even more pathetic is
that I've been home to watch.

Dorothy, I really
need you there.

I need your shoulder...
in case he takes his away.

Oh, all right, I'll go.

Ma, where are my dancing shoes?

In the Smithsonian, right
next to Fred Astaire's.

How the hell would I know?

Blanche, you coming with us?

Oh, you're kidding. Of course.

Oh, you'll love it.

Oh! Nothing personal, honey,

but those places are meant
for desperate, hopeless people

who can't find
someone any other way.

Well, if you're sure.

I'd rather be tied to a
tree covered in honey

and have a family
of grizzlies lick it off.

Why do I torture
myself like this?

Girls, wait for me!

(♪ ballroom music)

Ma, this-this
place is fantastic.

I feel like I did when I was 20.

You mean unmarried and pregnant?

Blanche, look around.
Isn't this wonderful?

Aren't you suddenly
the life of the party?

This place gives me the creeps.

(Rose) But look, Blanche. See
how much fun everybody's having?

Yeah, right now, but wait till
they hear Glenn Miller's dead.

He's not dead. He's missing!

Stop complaining, Blanche.

Look at all the
available men here.

You shouldn't have any problem.

Are you kiddin'?
This is gonna be

just like fishin' in one
of those trout farms.

May I have this dance, Sophia?

I got the time if
you got the dime.

(money jingles)

I'm all yours.

I don't see Miles here anywhere.

Maybe he didn't come tonight.

He almost didn't.

Hi, Dorothy. Hello, Miles.

You left my party as
soon as you arrived.

You invite me to dinner,
you disappear into the house.

You send Blanche to the concert.

I was beginning to
take it personally.

Shall we?

Go on, Rose.

Excuse me, Dorothy.

I am going to keep one
arm around your waist

to make sure you
don't disappear again.

Dorothy, this is Alfred.

He's an ear, nose
and throat specialist.

He says he's been lookin'
for love in all the wrong places.

I was happy to see
you here tonight, Rose.

I was starting to wonder
how you felt about me.

Rose, is there something wrong?

You've hardly said a word.

Ah.

I'm glad to hear it.

Would you care to dance?

Oh, I... I don't think so.

Oh.

I'm usually not this forward,

but Glenn Miller has
such an effect on me.

You don't like
Glenn Miller, do you?

Are you kidding?

I was in the search
party. Let's dance.

Oh, listen to that music.

Who says you can't
go home again?

Canute Trollsted.

You see, he took
Ilse Frickerdeller

up to Smooch Point to
play hide the fingerborg.

That's a thimble.

Well, Ilse sat on his compass,

and they got so lost
they walked to Finland,

and that's when Canute said,
"You can't go home again."

Well, that's very, uh... Stupid!

Rose.

Rose.

Is something wrong?

I don't know what
you see in me, Miles.

I see you.

But why me?

I thought you'd like Blanche.

I like Blanche very
much. So does Blanche.

Ha ha ha. That's better.

I feel so dumb around you.

Oh, never say that, Rose.

But you're a teacher.
You... you think for a living.

Well, don't be so impressed.
I have summers off.

How you can
stand listening to me

and all my ridiculous stories...

Your stories are
very refreshing, Rose.

It's like driving in the
country and getting lost.

You may not know where you are,

but you always have a good
time finding your way out.

That was a
compliment, wasn't it?

Come on.

I like you very much, Rose.

You know, you're...
you're very special.

I'm just lucky to be
smart enough to see it.

You know, life's
a ballroom, Rose,

if you'll pardon the metaphor.

If you hear something you
like, don't analyze it, just...

just dance to it.

You understand?

I think so.

Except what a metaphor is.

Who needs metaphors?
Come on. Let's dance.