The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 7 - Not Another Monday - full transcript

Martha Lamont, one of Sophia's close friends, is tired of the physical pain and suffering in her life and wants to kill herself.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Rose, what are you doing?

I'm diapering a turkey.



It's been so long since
I changed a diaper,

I figured I'd practice
before the baby gets here.

Ma! Hello, Martha.
Where were you?

I'll give you a hint.

The guest of honor
had lipstick on her teeth

and didn't give a damn.

Who died?

My best friend,
Lydia. I'm so sorry.

She suffered so. It was
a blessing in disguise.

I always wondered why
blessings wore disguises.

If I were a blessing,
I'd run around naked.

(doorbell)

Oh, that must be the baby.

There's a baby coming?



A couple from my
church are going camping

over the weekend, and we
get to take care of the baby.

Good. Maybe now you'll
get some food I can chew.

How about a cup of tea, Martha?

A little. I made a pig
of myself at the funeral.

It was nice. Everybody
had a good time.

I'm going to miss her so much.

I know. But you said yourself,

the last few weeks
were so hard on her.

At least now she's
resting peacefully.

I feel so bad.

Hey, I'm the one
who should feel bad.

Lydia and I were
wearing the same dress.

Honey, can we go now?

I've been planning this for months
- a weekend alone in the woods.

It's going to be perfect.

It sounds romantic. Maybe
you'll have another baby.

I'd better make sure
we packed everything.

Well, thanks again.

Goodbye, Francis.
You be good now.

Now, don't you
worry about a thing.

What a beautiful little thing.

Yes. What is it,
Rose? A boy or a girl?

Of course!

I mean, is it Frances
as in Francie,

or Francis as in Frank?

I don't know. It's
wearing yellow.

We could find out, Rose. How?

Put on the Dolphins
game and see if it watches.

By looking, Rose!

We could change its diaper,
and see if it has a winky.

A "winky"?

That's the scientific
term for it, when it's little.

But the baby isn't wet.

We'll change it
anyway. Here you go.

Here I go?

The best time to change a diaper

is when there's nothing in it.

I'll do it. You can help me.

OK. Ready?

One, two, three...

(all) Frank.

May I help you, madame?

How d'you know I'm
not a mademoiselle?

Because what
man in his right mind

would leave you to
languish on the vine?

If this was Sicily, you
wouldn't have any lips left.

Take me to my friend
Martha Lamont's table,

and try not to fall in love.

Miss Lamont is waiting
for you at the bar.

Oh, good. With luck, she found
somebody who'll pay for dinner.

Martha! You look terrific.

Are those new knee-highs?

It's a new attitude -
eat, drink and be merry.

Hey, Jacques.

Gimme a hand, and
watch where you put it.

That was better than
I thought it would be.

Now I can't wait to get down.

Hi. Can I get you ladies drinks?

I'll have a Manhattan. And don't
slip me any of the cheap stuff.

I'll have another
Harvey Wallbanger.

You've seen quite a bit
of Mr. Wallbanger tonight.

I'm celebrating,

because I've just had an
idea that will change my life.

Order anything you like.

I'm going to have
the shrimp cocktail,

the cream of mushroom soup,

asparagus with
hollandaise sauce,

and the filet mignon.

I like cholesterol as
much as the next guy,

but you're never gonna
get blood to your feet again.

I'd like to drink a toast.

To Sophia, whom I
hope I can count on.

For what?

Get your lips off Harvey
and tell me what you want!

Since you mentioned it, I want
you to do something for me.

I want you to come over
to my place tomorrow night.

What, is it your birthday?

Sophia, there aren't going
to be any more birthdays.

What are you telling me?

I have so many
things wrong with me -

arthritis, high blood pressure,

angina, just to mention a few.

Who doesn't? You can't
get into a canasta game

unless you have at least
two debilitating diseases.

Your table is ready, mesdames.

I don't know, for me it
was better the first time.

What do you think?

Right this way, please.

So why do you want me to
be at your house tomorrow?

I want you to be
there when I kill myself.

(Francis crying)
What is it, Blanche?

I can't quite make it out.
I think my eyes are tired.

Your eyes are old.

Blanche, when are you
gonna admit you need glasses?

I do not need glasses.

My mother didn't need
glasses till the day she died.

And then it seemed silly.

What is his
temperature, Blanche?

I do not know, Dorothy.

Even with perfect eyesight,
nobody can read one of these things.

Oh, my God. It's 103.2!

The poor baby!

We'd better contact his parents.

They're out in the woods somewh-

We'd better call Harry.

We're very lucky we have a
pediatrician right down the street.

No, that's a bad idea. Why?

Because by the time I get
my hair done and my face on,

that baby could be
in serious trouble.

Let's call his
real pediatrician.

OK. Pediatrician. Pe...

Here it is. Dr. Harry Weston.

Oh, God! Oh, come on,
Blanche, he's a doctor.

He's used to seeing
people at their worst.

And if you comb your hair,
you can be right in that ball park.

Harry? Dorothy.

Listen, I'm so sorry I
have to call you at home,

but we're taking care
of the Lillistrand baby,

and he's running
a very high fever.

Could you come over right away?

No, this is not
Blanche playing a joke.

Thanks, Harry. Thanks very much.

He's coming? Right away.

I'd better freshen up.

Blanche, he is not
coming over to look at you.

He's coming over
to look at the baby.

I will be holding the
baby, next to my bosom.

What a magnificent picture.

God, I wish that thing
didn't look so sickly.

(crying continues)

I don't care if you
are paying for dinner.

What you wanna do is crazy.

It's time to go, Sophia.

I don't want to see
another Monday.

I don't want to wait, and
end up going like Lydia.

I'm going to decide
when it's over.

I always thought somebody
named God did that.

You don't understand.

I'm afraid of the
pain, of the hurting.

I'm afraid of being
alone, of dying alone.

I can take the pills myself,

but I want you to be
there and hold my hand.

You're right, I
don't understand.

I'd do anything to stay alive.
If my heart stopped beating,

I'd want every doctor in town
jumping up and down on my chest.

You say that now,

but I don't have the
courage to die by inches.

I'm going to do it,
whether you're there or not.

I don't want to die
alone. Please, help me.

(Francis crying)

Dorothy, do you think this
looks alluring and yet nurselike?

I don't know, Blanche.

Maybe the earrings
put it over the top.

Oh, no, I did
that for the baby -

they love shiny things.

Listen, maybe you
two oughtta wait

in the kitchen with the kid.

(doorbell)

Oh, I'll get it. Freeze!
Don't go near that door.

Gimme that thing.

Hello, Frank, darling. (coos)

How do I look?

It's all wrong, Blanche. The
baby doesn't match your shoes.

Hello, ladies! (Dorothy) Oh, Harry,
thanks so much for coming over.

Frank! Frank, talk to me.
What's going on here?

He isn't feeling very well,

so we thought we'd
have you over for a drink.

Hey, why don't we just forget
the baby and go dancing?

Oh!

Blanche, that is some outfit!

What do you call that?

A negligee.

Brings back fond memories.

My mother used to
have one just like it.

Here, take him - he's wet.

Well, somebody
better change him,

or he'll get a
rash on his winky.

We're sorry we had
to disturb you, Harry,

but he's running a fever of 103.

What do you think it is?

He could be teething,
it could be the flu.

Maybe he's just a hypochondriac.

Really?

Well, let's take a look.

So, you've been keeping
these ladies busy, have you?

Oh, I didn't mind.

I have such a highly
developed maternal instinct.

Uh, I was talking to
the baby, Blanche.

Any other symptoms? Rash or...?

No, he was fine one minute,
and running a fever the next.

Is it the usual? Huh?

Yeah. Frank tends to get ear
infections from time to time.

Is he gonna be all right? He'll be
fine. We'll keep a close watch on him.

Give him four drops
of this right now,

and then once every two hours.

Give him plenty of fluids so
he doesn't get dehydrated.

And I'll check back
on you tomorrow.

When are we supposed to sleep?

Not that I mind. I
was born to heal.

Heel, Blanche!

Welcome back to
motherhood, ladies.

I'm sure you were good mothers
and you remember what to do.

Blanche, watch the others. You
look like you pick up things quickly.

Gotta go.

Bye.

(Francis crying)

What is wrong with this baby?

Honey, darling, please
shut up for Aunt Blanche!

You know, back in St. Olaf,

we had a surefire method
for getting babies to sleep.

If herring, elk, or
anyone named Sven

figures in this, I
don't wanna hear it.

OK, I've got another one.

Whenever my kids couldn't
sleep, we always sang to them.

A lullaby? Sort
of. "Mr. Sandman."

Oh, I don't know, Rose...

Dorothy, come
on. It's worth a try.

It's either we sing or he sings.

Oh, all right.

♪ Boom

♪ Boom

Well? Well what?

After my "boom" comes
your "boom," and then yours -

until we're all "boom" ing.

How complicated
is that herring thing?

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Mr. Sandman

♪ Bring me a dream ♪
Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Then tell him that his
lonesome nights are over

(silence)

(crying)

(resume song)

♪ Mr. Sandman (deep) ♪ Yes?

♪ Bring me a dream

♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen

♪ Give him the word
that I'm not a rover

♪ Then tell him that his
lonesome nights are over

♪ Mr. Sandman ♪ I'm so alone...

Boy, you guys really stink.

We were just singing
the baby to sleep.

It was waking me up.

Maybe we ought to
go out in the kitchen.

So we can talk.

So we can eat. Better.

Ma, we're sorry our
singing woke you.

It wasn't you. I had
a horrible nightmare.

I dreamt my Uncle Giuseppe
came down from heaven

and was pointing a finger at me.

I think it was a finger.

And he was warning me - if I did a
certain thing, I wouldn't get into heaven.

What thing? Try murder.

It was just a dream, Sophia.

It's not just a dream for me.

Martha wants to commit suicide,

and she wants me
to be there with her.

And what did you say?

I said I'd think about it.

You can't say no to somebody
who pops for a $75 dinner.

Tell them, Blanche.

Ma, I can't believe that
you're seriously considering

getting involved in this!

Martha's a sick woman. And
she doesn't wanna get any sicker.

She's gonna do it anyway,
so why should she die alone?

This is wrong, Sophia.

Forget about whether
this is right or wrong.

Ma, I'm worried about you!

When Martha takes
those pills or whatever

and the life drains out of her,

you're gonna be
in that room, alone.

What are you gonna do,
Ma? How are you gonna feel?

I don't know,
but I'll deal with it.

When my time comes,
I sure want somebody

to put me out of my misery
if something tragic happens -

like I get a fatal illness,
or I've lost my looks.

Tell us when, Blanche.

Ma, I forbid you to do this.

Sometimes you forget
- I'm the mother here.

That has nothing
to do with this.

It has everything
to do with this.

In the 25 years I have on
you, I've learned something.

I just wish I could
remember what it is.

Oh, yeah, I got it.

It's not whether you agree
or disagree with somebody.

It's whether you can be there for
that person when they need you.

Sophia, I can't believe
you're doing this.

You know, this
reminds me of the story

of Gunilla Ulf's daughter,

St. Olaf's very
own angel of death.

Tell it, Rose. Tell it.

Really? All the way through?

All the way through. But
please try to make the end

come as close to the
beginning as possible.

Well, Gunilla Ulf's
daughter was a nurse

at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital.

One night she was taking
care of Sven Bjornsson,

and he asked her
if she would get him

some more mouth
moisteners and then kill him.

Gunilla brought the mouth
moisteners right away,

but the killing thing

seemed to go against
everything she'd been taught.

You're doing beautifully, Rose.

He begged and he begged,

and by her coffee break,
she couldn't stand it anymore,

so she pulled the
plug and he died.

Well, she was racked
with guilt that night.

Not only had she parked
her car in a doctor's spot,

but she was never sure
whether Sven's pleading

was the pain talking,
or the medication talking,

or the guy in the
next bed talking!

You see, the guy in the next
bed was Ingmar von Bergen,

St. Olaf's meanest
ventriloquist.

Rose, we are going
somewhere with this, aren't we?

I mean, if not, I'm gonna
cut out your tongue.

Yes!

Sven came back
to haunt Gunilla -

since then, every
Tuesday night at ten.

Nine, Central time. Oh!

She hears noises.

Some say it's the wind, but...

some say it's Sven's voice

whispering back
from the other side,

saying, "Turn around
quick - his lips are moving."

You see that, Ma?

You kill someone,

you end up being a Rose story.

Is this what you want?

Dorothy, I'll worry
about me later.

I gotta do this.

Goodnight, pussycat.

(gasps)

You came.

I said I would.

Come in. Come in and sit down.

I have something to show you.

Look, ten carats,
and not a flaw.

I bought it today,
on time. (chuckles)

Very nice.

Look, I was thinking,

maybe you shouldn't
go through with this...

No, I have to go.

I've never felt so happy.

Do you like the ring?

Reminds me of a doorknob
I had back in Brooklyn.

What are you doing?

Just my way of saying thank you.

Well, I think I've taken
care of everything.

Now, you'll see to it that they
don't put lipstick on my teeth.

Don't worry. I'll take them
out and check them personally.

Well... I guess...
it's time to go.

You will hold my hand?

Sure I will.

I'm so glad I don't
have to go alone.

Uh... d'you remember how we met?

Yes. About eight years ago.

We shared a room
in the hospital.

You had the heart scare,
I was the gall bladder.

They gave you my
sponge bath by mistake.

You ate my Jell-O. It
was a horrible little room.

We couldn't wait
to get out of it.

Because we wanted
to live. Yes. I remember.

Remember better. Remember life.

I don't have much of one.

I'm not like you.

You live with
friends and family,

holidays and warmth.

I hear the silence.

We'll talk. We'll
talk all the time.

You can come over Thanksgiving,

Christmas, every Friday night.

I may not be there, but you
could always talk to Rose.

No, I want to go. Lydia
looked so peaceful.

We're not in this
life for peace!

You're crying!

No, I'm not. I don't cry.
I can see your tears.

I can see yours. Know
what that tells me?

What? You're not as ready
to die as you think you are.

You still wanna live, kid.

Some kid!

I don't know what to do.

That's the point.
If you're not sure,

you can't change
your mind tomorrow.

You wanted me to
be here for your death.

How about letting me
be here for your life?

Like a friend?

Like a best friend.

Dorothy, honey, sit down.
Pacing isn't gonna help.

I just can't stop
thinking about Ma.

Look at that! Perfect - 98.6.

Yeah, that's what
it looks like to me.

Thank God! That
means he's better.

Here. I'm pooped.

I guess there must be a reason

why women have babies when
they're 20ish instead of 40ish.

Blanche, the only
thing in this room

that's 40ish is your hairdo.

Ma.

It's OK. She changed her mind.

Oh, Ma, Thank God! I
know, Dorothy. I know.

(doorbell rings) That
must be the Lillistrands.

Frank, we love you,
but you are out of here.

Gimme a minute.

Sure.

Listen, you. You're
just starting out.

You're in for the long haul.

Keep your seat belt on -

there are lots of
twists and turns.

(crying)

Stop that, or they're gonna
come in here and sing again!

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