The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 1 - Yes, We Have No Havanas - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Girls! Girls, guess what.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Why do you always
say, "Girls, girls"?



Do you see Molly
Ringwald sitting here?

You're awfully cranky
today. Well, forgive me.

My arthritis is bothering me,
my social security check was late,

and I realized today I haven't
showered with a man in 22 years.

Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.

What's your point?

What are you saying?
Isn't it obvious, Dorothy?

She showered with a
dead man for five years.

Rose, what did you want?

I got two tickets to the hottest
Norwegian musical in town.

Rose, you've really tempted
me, but I have other plans.

You have a date?

(splutters)

Never say that while I'm eating.



I'm teaching history for
an adult-education program.

It's for people who never
got high school diplomas.

What else do they teach?
The usual high school subjects.

You mean like the three Rs - reading,
writing and rooster inseminating?

No, we just teach
the first two Rs.

Fine. But you'll be sending
people out into the world

who don't know you can
get a nasty rooster bite

if you don't warm
your hands up first.

Girls, is this dress me?

It's too tight, it's too short and it shows
too much cleavage for a woman your age.

Yes, Blanche, it's you.

Another date with
your mystery man?

Oh, he's no mystery man.

Then how come you've been out with
him four times, we know nothing about him?

Well, there is one
little thing... (doorbell)

That must be him. Rose,
would you get the door, please?

(Latin American
accent) Hello. Hello.

We thought you were Blanche's
date, but you're way too old.

Hola, Blanche!

Hello, sweetheart. Come here!

I want you to
meet all my friends.

Please forgive me.
It wasn't my fault -

my cousins have been marrying
each other for generations.

I'm sorry.

Everybody, this
is Fidel Santiago.

How do you do?
Very nice to meet you.

It is always a pleasure to meet
beautiful ladies such as yourselves.

With that accent, you
could almost buy it.

And you must be Sophia.

Your face looks
awfully familiar.

Was your picture
ever on a cigar box?

Ma!

No, no, she's right.
That was my father.

May we continue, Kommandant?

My family once owned the largest
tobacco plantation in all of Cuba.

Do you know that at one time

I was the most famous
Fidel in the entire country?

Until you-know-who showed up.

Who?

Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.

How did you know
about Santiago cigars?

My husband was a fan -

not of the cigars, the boxes.

We used to keep all
our fine cutlery in one.

Blanche was right. She
said you were incorrigible.

I guess I deserve it - I
always say she's a cheap slut.

Maybe we'd better be going. Yes.

It was a pleasure
meeting you all.

Good night.

Well, I guess that
solves the mystery.

Who'd have thought Blanche would
date somebody that long in the tooth?

I thought his teeth were nice. What I
couldn't believe was how old he was.

You know, sometimes I
really cannot believe my ears.

I know. I should've taped them
back when you were seven.

Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen. Please take your seats.

Uh, Jorge Vega?

Michael Fachik?

Jim Shu?

Jim Shu?!

Oh, I get it gym
shoe. Very funny.

Excuse me. I am Jim Shu.

I'm terribly sorry. I thought
you were pulling my leg.

I don't think I could
drink that much sake.

Sit down, Shu.

Maria Gianelli?

Rose Nylund?

Rose Ny... Rose Ny...

Rose, what are you doing here?

Dorothy, I have a
confession to make.

I slipped through the cracks
of the St. Olaf school system.

That's very hard to believe. I've seen
you almost complete a TV Guide crossword.

It's true. You're looking at a
woman without a sheepskin.

I've got an extra in my
wallet I could give you.

No, thanks. I'd rather earn it.

Meet you at
Benihana after class?

Rose. Rose.

You never graduated
from high school?

Not officially. Three
weeks before graduation,

I was asked to be in the kissing
booth at the founders' day fair.

Unfortunately, the first boy I
kissed had a nasty case of mono.

That afternoon, I passed
it along to 50 young men.

And one very confused female P.E.
teacher who smelled of Old Spice.

I slept day and night for the next
six months and when I finally woke up

I had missed my graduation and the
integration of major-league baseball.

Rose, I'm very sorry, but, honey,
you cannot stay in this class.

Oh, please, Dorothy!

I've secretly dreamt of getting
a high school diploma for years,

but I never had
the courage to do it.

Now, with you teaching, I finally
feel comfortable enough to give it a try.

Oh, all right, all
right, you can stay.

Thank you.

All right, everybody, if
you will turn to page five...

Yes, Rose? Aren't you
forgetting something?

What?

I pledge allegiance
to the flag...

(all)... of the United
States of America,

and to the republic
for which it stands...

Hi, Dorothy. What are you
doing? I'm grading the history test.

How did I do? You'll
find out in class tomorrow.

Can you give me a hint? No.

Did I do better than Boris
Yushenko? Oh, Rose!

Boris Yushenko doesn't
speak a word of English

and he was hit in the
forehead with a mortar

during World War II.

Did I do better than him? No.

I'm a failure.
Rose, you are not.

Now, come on, you are doing very
well in every subject except history.

Well, I'm not surprised.

It's all because of my high school
history teacher, Mr. Stickelmeyer.

He was a Nazi. Oh, come on.

A lot of students don't
like their teachers...

No, I mean it.

He was part of a nefarious plot by
the Germans to teach misinformation

so America's youth would be really
stupid when the Germans invaded.

St. Olaf was the first town
chosen for their experiment.

I guess they figured
they had a leg-up there.

His orders came
right from the top.

You mean Hitler?

Who's Hitler?

You are bad at history.

Girls, I am just beside myself.

Fidel's seein' another woman.

Are you sure? Yes.

We used to see
each other constantly.

Now I'm lucky to
see him twice a week.

If he's not seeing another woman,
what else could he be doing?

Maybe he paints,
like Red Skelton.

Rose, would you please
hand me my grade book?

Sure. Thank you.

You were saying, Blanche?
Well, it's just breaking my heart.

I've never cared for a man as
much as Fidel Santa Domingo.

Santiago. Oh, whatever.

The point is, he's rich, he's handsome
and we were made for each other.

Even if I don't speak
Mexican. Spanish.

Whatever.

I just don't know what I'm gonna
do. Oh, now calm down, Blanche.

There's probably a
very logical explanation.

You know, you're probably right.

Oh, why would Fidel
want another woman?

After all, he's dipped his toes
in the lake known as Blanche.

That wasn't stupid
enough to deserve a hit?

Do you know what I'm gonna do?

Put your hands down, Rose.

Since we all had such a bad day,

let's all go out for
dinner. It's on me.

That sounds great.
I'll go get my purse.

Wow! Dinner out with the girls!

Oh, let's really get crazy.
We'll eat Chinese and use forks.

I know, I know!

We'll pretend it's one of our
birthdays and screw 'em out of a cake.

Boy, if I wasn't going,
I'd really be jealous of me.

But I am going,
so it's all irrelevant.

Rose, did I hit you
too hard before?

No, not at all. I'm trying a new hairspray
and it absorbs most of the impact.

Thanks for dinner. It was
delicious. My pleasure.

I really enjoyed it too.

I had such a good time, I forgot
all about old what's-his-name.

Fidel. Oh, honey, I
know what his name is.

No, I mean there he is.

And he has his arms
around another woman.

Fidel Santiago! My
papers are in order!

Oh... Hello, Blanche.

What in hell is goin' on here?

Blanche... How could
you be so deceitful?

What is it? Is she younger,
more attractive, more desirable?

You got two out
of three, Blanche.

Sophia, what in
hell is goin' on here?

He's a man, I'm a woman,

I've got what it takes and
he knows how to use it.

I think I'm gonna lose my lunch.

Blanche, listen... Fidel,
don't sugar-coat it for her.

Look, we happen to be an item.

I'm wearing his
MedicAlert bracelet.

When did this start?

Well, I have been
allergic to penicillin.

Oh, not that! I mean
this sick relationship.

Por favor, let me explain.

I still care for you deeply.

I did not mean for this
to happen, it just did.

When I would go to pick you up,

I would always talk to
Sophia while I was waiting.

And to my delight, I
found her to be very...

Hot.

Interesting.

Look, ladies, I am so glad
that this is all out in the open.

You are both wonderful women, and
I want to continue seeing both of you.

But of course that is a decision
that you will have to make.

Now, if you will excuse me,

it's time for me to change into
my third linen suit of the day.

In this heat I go through
them like Kleenex.

Of all the nerve!

How could he possibly
think I'd continue seeing him?

Blanche Devereaux
has never shared a man!

Or a pizza.

And what does that mean,
you wrinkled old crow?

It means Fidel is interested in more than
just a cheap thrill. He also wants a mind.

Oh, yeah? Well,
we'll see about that!

You're on, baby!

Fidel, stop! Even surgical
stockings only have so much elastic!

Hello. I thought you two
would be asleep by now.

Girls, this nightgown is so sheer I
believe you can see right through it.

Oh, hello, Fidel.

Hello, Blanche. How are you?

You don't have
cataracts - you tell me.

Beat it, you
50-year-old mattress.

Why, you... you miserable old...

Blanche, Blanche,
Blanche. You know the rules.

When one of you is out with Fidel,
the other one does not interfere.

My apologies.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go take a long, hot, steamy bath,

with just enough water to
barely cover my perky bosoms.

You're only gonna
sit in an inch of water?

Oh, that does it! That does it!

No, no, no, no, ladies!

Ladies, let us behave in
a more civilized manner.

You're right. I
apologize, Fidel.

So do I.

Well, good night. Good night.

See you at noon for
lunch? And six for dinner.

Ten for dancing?
Midnight for dessert.

Dessert at midnight?

There's always room for Jell-O.

I just hate you.

I regret the day you
ever moved in here.

And I regret the day
I gave birth to you.

Ma! Ma, I'm your daughter.

(disappointed) Oh, yeah.

I need a Bromo Seltzer.

I need a cheesecake.

Blanche, I hate to see you
and Sophia fighting like that.

She's trying to steal my
man, and no one ever...

(all) ...steals a man
from Blanche Devereaux.

Right.

Blanche, this is all
about your ego, isn't it?

Ego? Dorothy, I have no ego.

And you can ask
the hundreds of men

who would gladly cut off
their right arm to sleep with me.

I agree with Dorothy.

I don't think you'd
even still be dating Fidel

if another woman
wasn't interested in him.

Girls, look, I know
it seems strange,

but I happen to have
strong feelings for Fidel.

I can't explain it.

Some things in life
defy explanation.

Yeah - like Bruce Willis's hair.

Blanche, I wanna talk to
you. I'm in no mood to fight.

Neither am I. That's
what I wanna talk about.

We've been at each
other's throats for weeks.

We've been running ourselves ragged
trying to outdo each other. It has to stop.

I'm not giving Fidel up, Sophia.

I am. I'm fighting
a losing battle.

You're younger, prettier...

In the end he'll choose
you and it'll break my heart.

He's yours, Blanche.
No hard feelings.

Oh, Sophia, wait.

Why don't you take Fidel? I
have all those other boyfriends.

OK. Good night.

Sophia!

Sophia!

Rose, I have a
little surprise for you!

Cookies and milk!

Oh, my God, what's
wrong? Nothing's wrong.

You only do nice things for me
when something terrible has happened.

Rose, you failed
the history test.

What does that mean?

It means you got
more wrong than right.

I know that - I
didn't fail math.

I was talking about
the bigger picture.

It means you won't
get your diploma.

Yeah?

Well, you have a big behind.

Oh, Rose, Rose... Please, let's
try to keep this on an adult level.

And if you wanna talk behinds, they could
show How the West Was Won on yours.

I can't believe this.

I'm sorry, Rose, but I have to
grade you like everybody else.

Well, look, Dorothy, you made a
mistake. I got that question right.

Rose, the question was "Who
was the leader of the Third Reich?"

You wrote "Fritz Stickelmeyer,"

your high school
history teacher.

The correct answer
is Adolf Hitler.

Where's my history book?

Is this the man we're talking
about? Yes, that is Adolf Hitler.

You can call him whatever you
want, but that's Fritz Stickelmeyer.

I'm as sure of that as I am that's
Eva Braun standing next to him.

You recognize Eva Braun?

Well, sure. She was our
high school P.E. teacher.

It was rumored she used
to date Mr. Stickelmeyer.

Rose, that's it. I just
can't take any more.

With this question right,
you have a D minus.

Rose, you're a high
school graduate.

Oh, boy!

Sophia! Sophia, I'm a
high school graduate!

Congratulations. Now you can get
any job involving a cardboard hat.

Well, how do I look?

Hey, terrific! Where
are you going tonight?

Fidel is taking me to the Burt Reynolds
Dinner Theater to see Ruth Buzzi in Evita.

Dorothy, how do I...
Where are you going?

To the Burt Reynolds
Dinner Theater with Fidel.

But that's impossible. He invited
me yesterday after the movies.

He invited me yesterday after
dinner. This was bound to happen.

The two of you have run
that man ragged for weeks.

It's no wonder he got confused.

(phone rings)

Hello? (Blanche) Confused?

How could he possibly confuse this young,
nubile body with that raisin in sneakers?

Well, there's only one
way to settle this. I'm going.

The hell you are! I'm going.

Neither one of you is
going. Fidel isn't coming.

Where is he?

We killed him. I know.

We might as well have put
a gun to poor Fidel's head.

We were too much woman for him.

His spirit was willing, but
his poor heart couldn't take it.

It's all our fault. Our silly
competitiveness did this.

Oh, come on, you two. The man was in
his seventies. These things just happen.

You had nothing to do
with his heart giving out.

Dorothy, everyone
here is a woman.

We are gathered here today

to honor the memory of a man

who has suddenly
been taken from us.

What are you looking at
me for? Just keep talking.

Fidel Santiago was
a very special man.

He was kind, caring and loving.

He was a man who brought
joy into the lives of all he touched.

(mass sobbing)

I have the feeling he touched
every behind in the room.

Fidel Santiago lived life...

Excuse me, Father.
Hold that thought.

Which of you was
Fidel's girlfriend?

(Blanche) Oh!

My God, he had his burro
hitched to every bedpost in town!

But that's good news, girls.

That means your
cheap, animal-like lust

didn't have anything
to do with killing Fidel.

I'm leaving.

I'm not about to mourn a man who's
been with every woman in this room.

He was never with me.

I guess even he
had his standards.

Hold it. Stay where you are.

Father, if you don't mind my saying
so, I think you lost control of the room.

Excuse me.

The man in that box was a bum.

A scoundrel, a cheat and a liar.

You got that right.
Quiet. I work alone.

But there was another side
to him, and it was beautiful.

He awakened feelings in
me I haven't felt in 35 years.

We used to hug and kiss and
hold hands, and it was nice.

He made me feel attractive
and desirable again.

He probably made the
rest of you feel that way too.

And looking out at this kennel club,
that was no small accomplishment.

You may all hate
Fidel right now,

but I know the next time I'm sitting
in the park on a warm sunny day,

and I smell the aroma
of a cheap cigar...

I'll think of Fidel Santiago...

and I'll smile.

Oh, Ma, that was very
sweet. Just lovely, Sophia.

Sophia, can you ever forgive me

for all those ugly
things I said?

Of course. It was said
in the heat of battle.

You know, if I had it all to do
over again, I'd let you have Fidel.

Oh, you're so generous!

The man's packing material,
now you're letting me have him?

I have coat racks
livelier than him!

She's giving him to me.

The man's face has more
powder on it than Ann Miller's

and she's giving him to me.

A piece of lumber would
make a better dancing partner!

Thanks for niente!