The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Don't you just love waking up with
rain tapping on your bedroom window?

Absolutely.



I always throw open the window,
uncork a bottle of Cold Duck

and slip into my Frederick's of
Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.

Just because of rain
tapping at your window?

Oh, I thought she said, "Wayne."

My mistake. Sorry.

Ma, where you
going? To the market.

Why are you going in the
rain? The market's in Miami.

If it was in Phoenix,
I'd be going in the sun.

Now, Sophia, Rose asked
a perfectly sensible question.

Am I the only one she
caught by surprise? Ma...

Rose, I'm gonna buy a nectarine.

I go to the market every
day to buy a nectarine.

At 82, that's life - a round trip on
the number 6 bus to buy a nectarine.

That's so sad. Not sad. Life.



Sad is when you have to
mash the nectarine with a fork.

It's a shame Sophia has nothing
constructive to do anymore.

She needs something to
make her feel more fulfilled.

I'll tell you what would
make her feel more fulfilled...

(both) Blanche!

A hobby.

Oh, I thought you
meant, you know, a man.

You got a better hobby?

I don't think a hobby
is the answer for Ma.

What do you think
is? I wish I knew.

Let's face it, life is as
interesting as you make it,

and at Ma's age it's
harder to make the effort.

I should be grateful she's
at least able to get out,

even if it is just
to buy a nectarine.

Well, girls, since it's raining,

we could tackle those jobs around
the house we always talk about.

I'll change that bulb in the
hallway. I'll hold the ladder.

I meant something like rearranging
the furniture in the living room,

or cleaning out the garage,
or relining the kitchen shelves.

Bingo!

Oh, bingo's fun on a rainy day.

She was talking about
relining the shelves.

Well, that could be fun too,

if we divide into teams
and grease our hands.

I got arrested for that once
at a party in Chattanooga.

Oh, my goodness.
Look what I found.

Double-fudge cookies.

I thought we agreed not to
keep cookies in the house.

Right, after this last box.

You're not gonna eat
them, are you? No, Rose.

We're gonna go to some dumb
country and try to use them as money.

I thought we were
gonna divide up work.

That's right. Rose, make a pot
of coffee, Dorothy get the plates,

and I'll just tear
into these suckers.

Hey! Hey, you got
any decent nectarines?

There's nothing wrong
with those nectarines.

Please! I got a bowl of waxed
bananas that'll be ripe before these are.

You're crazy. This
nectarine is beautiful.

I never saw a more
perfect piece of fruit.

No? Then try kissing my behind.

It's a real peach.

Sophia. Nah, César
Chávez. I got hungry.

They giving you
a hard time, too?

No, I can't pick out
a decent nectarine.

This way they do it for me.

Why don't you just ask for help?

Help? You know who
helps old broads like us?

Boy scouts in cartoons.

We gotta look after ourselves.

They giving you any trouble? I
can't get a refund on this lamb chop.

It looked fine in the case,

but when I got it home
the bottom was all fat.

Come with me. Sophia, please,
I don't wanna make trouble.

When's the last time you saw
me make trouble? Aisle three.

Oh, relax.

Sir, uh... Ma'am, I'm sorry,

but I already told you I can't take
it back. It's against store policy.

Are you willing to
sign an affidavit?

A what? An affidavit.

It's standard in any NOPRL
investigation. NOPRL?

The N-O-P-R-L: Network of
Older People Retired but Living.

Sophia Petrillo, past
president and legal counsel.

This store's in
big trouble, mister.

I got a better case
than Valerie Harper.

Excuse me, ladies. Is
there a problem here?

Only if you consider
a class-action suit

and a boycott by OREP a
problem. I thought it was NOPRL.

This is too big for NOPRL.
This is all the way up to OREP.

OREP? Organization of
Retired and Elderly People.

Sophia Petrillo,
Executive Director

and leader of the '87
march on Neiman Marcus.

Mrs. Petrillo, isn't there some
way to resolve this matter?

I'm afraid not. The wheels of
justice are already in motion.

Of course, a full refund could
put those wheels in reverse.

How much? A buck, 17.

You got it.

Here. Keep the change.

Thank you. We'll be in touch.

Oh, listen. Uh, how
much for the nectarine?

Take it. It's on the house.

We can't do that.
It's against the bylaws

All right, you can pay
me. That's 45 cents.

45 cents for one
lousy nectarine?!

What's inside, a pit or a pearl?

This is a 25-cent
nectarine. Fine. Sold.

Don't stand there like a bump on
a pickle. Give the man a quarter.

When the waiter brought
my order he set down

a bowl of gazpacho
right in front of me.

I said, "I ordered
the consommé."

He said, "A hot number like
you needs something spicy."

I said, "I'll give you
somethin' spicy,"

and I poured the gazpacho
right down his pants.

So you never went out with him.

No.

I just slept with him.
He wasn't my type.

Oh, my goodness.
Blanche, how could you?

Come on, Rose.
She's just teasing you.

That's right, honey,
I'm just teasing.

You always tease
the one you love.

Actually, tease and tickle.

Actually, tease,
tickle and spank.

Blanche... Actually... Blanche.

I'm sorry. What
was I talking about?

About teasing me
'cause you love me.

Oh, that's right.
Well, it's true.

I learned that during
my sorority years

when I was dating
Mr. Preston Bougainvillea.

Lord, the teasing
that boy put up with.

Because of his name.

No, because of his ears.

He had these long, floppy ears.

Kind of like a basset hound.

When he came to pick me up for
our blind date I couldn't believe it.

He jumped out of the
car and he ran up the walk

and bounded up
onto the front porch,

and I remember thinking,
"He's gonna trip on those ears."

But he didn't. So there he stood
before me introducing himself

and, I don't know, I
was still so stunned,

I just kind of
half-muttered a "Howdy-do"

and he said, "I beg your
pardon? I didn't hear you."

Well, I don't know what came
over me, but I just blurted out,

"Didn't hear me? I think you could pick
up Radio Free Europe with those ears!"

And you know what
he did? He laughed.

Well, right then and
there I started growing

very fond of Mr. Preston
Bougainvillea,

and over the next several months

we saw quite a
lot of each other.

Oh, that's really very
sweet, Blanche. I know.

By the way, did you girls know
that the size of a man's ears

is directly proportionate to the
size of his other... bodily organs?

What do you mean?

He had a big, floppy
pancreas, Rose.

Look, could we get back
to lining the shelves?

I don't feel like it anymore.

What do you wanna do instead?

I know. Let's rent
an adult video,

drink mimosas and
French-kiss the pillows.

I don't think so, Blanche.

Fine. I'm out of ideas.
You think of something.

How about if we rearrange
the furniture in the living room?

Don't you think we ought
to wait till Sophia gets back?

Maybe she'd like to help.
Give her something to do.

You know she's always exhausted
when she gets back from the market.

The first thing she does is
go to take a nap before dinner.

Then we'll just do it
right now. Come on. OK.

(♪ jazz number)

All right, all right. Take five.

Even the seagulls
stopped listening.

The rain kept our
fans away. Baloney!

Every week we've been collecting
what, 20, 30 dollars for the clinic?

The last couple of weeks
we're lucky if we break ten,

and you know why?
We're losing our edge.

The excitement is gone. We're
not driven like we used to be.

Haven't we learned anything
from the tragic examples of

Mike Douglas and
Ferdinand Marcos?

Come on, Sophia.

You know, a little lunch
might cheer you up.

You brought yours? Nah,
this is the nectarine for later.

I'm having the usual as soon
as the sausage guy comes.

So, let's see, who's
buying? Pulse or pressure?

Pressure. 140 over 80.

130 over 80.120 over 70.

Your treat, Esther.

And I'd stay away from
the sausage if I were you.

Sophia, would you like to
come to my art class today?

You talk Murray Schimowitz
into posing naked yet?

We got him down to his truss.

I've seen his truss.
It's impressive.

The first time he showed it off I thought
he had a turkey platter in his pants.

Besides, today's my day at the
hospital. You're not feeling good?

Please! I haven't felt good since
Hugh Downs left the Today show.

But that's got nothin'
to do with it. Hey, look.

OK, break's over.

Let's pretend we know what
we're doing and try to turn a buck.

Come on, girls,
give it all you got.

Remember the
clinic and work hard.

Remember your art and be proud.

Remember an F sharp and blow.

One, two, one...

(♪ jazzy version of "When
The Saints Go Marching In")

Well, I guess we
should get back to work.

Oh, I suppose so, but, you know, a
big meal always makes me so sleepy.

Is that why you usually go right to
bed after a date buys you dinner?

Who said that?

You did.

At the beauty parlor.
Don't you remember?

And Agnes said you
were a lot of hot air,

and you said she was just jealous
'cause she wasn't getting any.

And I said, "Getting any what?"

And you said, "Rice
pudding, Rose." And I said...

Can we just get back
to moving the furniture?

The weather's cleared up.

I really think we should save a
big project like this for a rainy day.

We agreed we weren't
gonna waste time.

That'd be a mistake, something
we'd regret for the rest of our lives.

Rose, we're eating
pizza, not getting tattoos.

I just hate the idea of
wasting time, I always have -

ever since what happened
to my neighbor in St.Olaf.

Rose...

are you about to educate
us on the evils of wasting time

by telling a long,
tedious St. Olaf story?

D'you know a better way?

She has a point, Blanche.

It was back in 1955

and we had just moved
into our first house,

right next door to
Pigpen Johannsen.

That wasn't his real name.
That was a nickname.

Pigpen? No, Johannsen.

Anyway, Pigpen
had just turned 80

and the town bylaws
made him leave his job

teaching drivers training
at the high school.

Well, at 80 it was about time.

It had nothing to
do with his age.

There was an old law on the
books about driving with your shirt off.

I once got arrested for
that in Chattanooga, too.

Blanche, let me
ask you a question.

Are you allowed to go
back to Chattanooga?

Are you kidding?
The sheriff still writes.

Go on, Rose. Anyway,

without a job Pigpen
started feeling useless,

so the town fathers thought
they'd give him a new job -

putting up the "Welcome to St.
Olaf" sign out on Miller's Lane.

Rose, is there a point
to this story? Yes!

That same year on Founders'
Day the governor was coming,

and Pigpen forgot
to put up the sign.

The governor drove straight through town
without ever realizing he was in St. Olaf.

I would have thought the glazed look on
everyone's face would have tipped him off.

So the point is Pigpen ruined Founders'
Day all because he was wasting time.

That's right, and the town
fathers took down his picture.

It had always hung in
the St. Olaf auto shop,

right next to Andy Granatelli.

My mother used to date him.

You know what he has
under that trench coat?

A wrench?

That's what Mother called it.

Anyway, Mother was having trouble
with her transmission and Andy was...

It's after one
o'clock. You're late.

So dock me. You
do this for free.

Then be grateful.
Anything happening?

Yeah, we got three in surgery,

two in X-ray and you have
to deliver these on your break.

In your dreams!

I'm a Sunshine
Lady, not a teamster.

Now get the hell outta
here, let me do my work.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Your boyfriend
was looking for you.

Sam? He wheeled himself
out here just to see me?

Yeah. I don't get it.

He must see a side of you that's
hidden from the rest of the world.

Like the dark side of the moon.

You're just jealous because
you know you can never have me.

What's the matter, you
don't watch General Hospital?

This place is a passion pit.

Any flowers for me today? No.

Are you sure? The name's
Leonard. I know your name.

You ask me every day if I have flowers
for you, and the answer is always no.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a
minute I-I made a mistake.

There are flowers for you today.

Really? Which one?

All of them, and
the balloons too.

There's no one here to
deliver them right now,

so you leave your walker here

and just wheel
these to your room.

Oh, thank you.

No! Thank you!

Hi, Sophia.

Sam! How are you doin'?

I'm feeling real good today.

I know. Your
strength's coming back -

you wheeled yourself
all the way down the hall.

Excuse me, I'd like to
check on my husband.

Mr. Carp, prostate surgery.

Nothing yet, but he'll be fine.

I went through it
myself 20 years ago.

You had prostate surgery?

What do I look like,
a cross-dresser?

My husband had the surgery. I
was the one who went through it.

So, tell me, Sam, what's new?

So, anyway, Lars froze solid
right in the middle of the lake

and the town fathers
mistook him for Max Brinker,

the inventor of
Herring Krispies.

Which, by the way,
go great with borscht.

But what doesn't?

(bell)

Cake's done.

45 minutes.

Gee, I wonder why Ma isn't
back from the market yet.

She probably stopped to
rest on a bench. Poor thing.

Honey, her problem
is not physical.

She could do a lot
more if she wanted to.

You mean she has
energy, just not the desire.

Exactly. You know,
her mother lived to be 94

and was active right
up until the very end.

I remember when
Grandma was in a wheelchair

she was on the go
from morning till night.

But she always had time
to talk to her grandchildren.

If I close my eyes, I
can hear her saying,

"Come on, you
snotnosed little rugrats.

Pick up those jacks. They're
puncturing holes in my tires."

But the most amazing thing
about Grandma was that in 1952

she decided to go
into politics. Politics?

Uh-huh. She felt it was
her personal responsibility

to elect Adlai
Stevenson president.

Well, she didn't
care for Eisenhower

because he claimed
to have liberated Italy,

and she said Italy
was liberated enough.

Already too many people
eating meat on Friday

and wearing condoms on Saturday.

Whatever happened to her?

She colonized life on Venus.

Rose, she was 94 when I was six.

She died, you idiot.

How did she die?

You know, we're not sure.

One night she left in her
wheelchair and she never came back.

The next day the
neighborhood kids had a go-kart

with two really big back wheels.

Dorothy, why don't you just remind
Sophia how active her mama was?

But, honey, Ma never saw that.

To Grandma it was no big deal.

She was just doing what
she'd done all her life,

so she never even discussed it.

And to Ma, well, all she saw
was the woman she loved

growing old and
wrinkled in a wheelchair.

Just goes to show how different
one generation can be from another.

Absolutely. I'll say.

Well, what do y'all
wanna do now?

Well, we aren't
gonna waste this day.

We have to do
something constructive.

Jeopardy is on in 15
minutes. Sounds good to me.

Let's go.

I'll just slice up this
cake and bring it in.

Sophia, don't you
have to go back to work?

Please! I don't
perform brain surgery.

I give people directions
to the cafeteria.

If I like 'em, I give 'em
the wrong directions.

Have any visitors today?

Mom and Dad
were by this morning.

They brought comic books.

I never let my boy
Phil read comic books.

Of course, when he was 16
we shared an underwear drawer.

Did you bring me anything
today? Don't I always?

I thought maybe you
forgot. I never forget.

But I hate nectarines.

You have to eat.

Sophia, it doesn't
matter. You know that.

Crazy talk. Comes from not
eating enough fresh fruit. Here.

Sophia, once they goofed up
my blood with that transfusion,

there wasn't anything
anyone could do.

No one's ever beat it, Sophia.

But someday they will,

and it could be tomorrow
and it could be you.

I believe that and
you're gonna believe that,

because right now, today,
that's all we got - hope.

And a nectarine.

And a nectarine.

(turns off TV)

It's a shame. We didn't
accomplish anything today.

Of course we did.

We found out in a pinch fruit
cocktail is not bad on a bagel.

Oh, hi, Ma. Hello there.

You guys ready for bed already?

(laughs) Yeah, I guess we are!

We're very tired.

We took care of a lot of odds
and ends around the house today.

What did you do, Ma?
What did I do today?

What I do every day
- I bought a nectarine.