The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Housekeeper - full transcript

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE ♪

♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT ♪

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY ♪

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW ♪

♪ YOU WOULD SEE ♪

♪ THE BIGGEST GIFT
WOULD BE FROM ME ♪

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY ♪

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

OH, YEAH. IT'S YOUR CAB, HONEY.



HAVE A WONDERFUL
TIME AT THE WEDDING.

BE SURE TO GIVE PHIL
AND THE FAMILY MY LOVE.

BEFORE I GO, I NEED YOUR
OPINION ON SOMETHING.

WHAT SHOULD I GIVE PHIL'S
DAUGHTER AS A WEDDING GIFT?

YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S
LACE TABLECLOTH,

OR 50 BUCKS TOWARDS
GETTING A NECK?

GIVE HER THE TABLECLOTH.

YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'S
GOT A HUSBAND.

HE DOESN'T CARE THAT SHE LOOKS
LIKE ABE VIGODA, WHY SHOULD I?

SEE YOU IN A COUPLE
OF WEEKS, PUSSYCAT.

SO, WHAT WITH OUR BUSY
CAREERS AND FULL SOCIAL LIVES,

WE FELT WE REALLY NEEDED
A FULL-TIME HOUSEKEEPER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR HOME?

LOVELY.



LAST PLACE I WAS HAD
BARS IN THE WINDOWS

AND A BIG WALL WITH GUARD DOGS.

SOUNDS LIKE QUITE
A SECURITY SYSTEM.

THE BEST. SAN QUENTIN.

FIFTEEN YEARS I SPENT
IN THAT STINKING HOLE.

I SAW VIOLENCE, I SAW DESPAIR,

I SAW JOHNNY CASH EIGHT TIMES.

WELL, I GUESS THAT
CONCLUDES THE INTERVIEW,

UNLESS THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS.

I HAVE A QUESTION.

DOES JOHNNY CASH
EVER WEAR PLAID?

IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
SHE'S FROM MINNESOTA.

WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.

OH, GIRLS, WE HAVE
INTERVIEWED DOZENS OF PEOPLE,

BUT WE HAVEN'T MET
ONE LIKELY CANDIDATE.

MAYBE OUR STANDARDS
ARE TOO HIGH.

- MAY I HELP YOU?
- YES.

DOES THE MEAN-LOOKING WHITE
WOMAN I JUST PASSED LIVE HERE?

- NO.
- OH.

THEN I COME TO APPLY FOR
THE HOUSEKEEPING POSITION.

- PLEASE, PLEASE, COME RIGHT IN.
- THANK YOU.

- I'M MARGUERITE BROWN.
- I'M DOROTHY.

THESE ARE MY
ROOMMATES, BLANCHE, ROSE.

- PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
- WELL, THANK YOU.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU BEGIN BY
TELLING US A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF.

WELL, THERE ISN'T MUCH TO TELL.

I'M HARDWORKING AND HONEST,

AND I'LL WORK FOR
A REASONABLE WAGE.

THAT'S IT?

ALL RIGHT, I WON'T GO ON
WITH THIS CHARADE ANY LONGER.

THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE.

I'M BLACK.

NOW, IF THAT'S A PROBLEM
FOR YOU, I'M WHITE.

NOW, OF COURSE,
THAT'LL COST YOU EXTRA.

OH, MARGUERITE,
I COULD KISS YOU.

AND I DON'T GO FOR
THAT FREAKY STUFF.

NEITHER DO DOROTHY AND I.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO?

HELLO, NORMAN, DARLING.
ARE WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?

BUT YOU SAID WE...
BUT YOU PROMISED...

I SEE. ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. THAT'S THE
SECOND TIME NORMAN HAS CANCELED.

MAYBE HE'S NOT INTERESTED.

NOT INTERESTED? DON'T BE SILLY.

I AM THE MOST ATTRACTIVE
AND AVAILABLE WOMAN IN MIAMI,

NOW THAT MISS DONNA RICE
HAS MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD.

I DON'T MEAN TO PRY,
BUT MAYBE I KNOW A WAY

TO GET NORMAN'S ATTENTION.

IF IT INVOLVES SILK SHEETS
AND A PAROCHIAL SCHOOL OUTFIT,

I'VE ALREADY TRIED IT.

HERE, TAKE THIS.

IT'S WORKED FOR MY GRANDMOTHER,
IT'S WORKED FOR MY MOTHER.

DAB A LITTLE BEHIND YOUR
EARS AND WHOMEVER YOU DESIRE

WILL COME TO YOU.

- WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S A GIFT. KEEP IT.

MARGUERITE, THERE'S
NO NEED TO BRIBE ME.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
YOU HAVE THE JOB.

- FINE WITH ME.
- ME, TOO.

- CAN YOU START TOMORROW?
- I'LL BE HERE BRIGHT EARLY.

- WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.
- ALL RIGHT.

BE SURE AND USE THAT
LIKE I TOLD YOU NOW.

- YES, MA'AM. BYE, NOW.
- BYE.

OOH, WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY
CHARMING WOMAN.

- I WONDER WHAT THIS IS.
- I'LL BET IT'S A LOVE POTION.

AH, ROSE, COME ON, HONEY.

THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A LOVE POTION.

SURE THERE IS, DOROTHY.

MY GRANDPARENTS GOT TOGETHER
BECAUSE OF A LOVE POTION.

ACTUALLY IT WAS A FOOT SALVE
GRAMPS ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED.

YOU SEE, GRANDMA WAS THE
NURSE WHO PUMPED HIS STOMACH,

BUT SHE WAS NEW AND SHE ATTACHED
THE NOZZLE TO THE WRONG PLACE.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THEY WERE ENGAGED.

I DON'T CARE WHAT'S IN
THIS. IT'S WORTH A TRY.

I'LL DO ANYTHING TO
GET NORMAN'S ATTENTION.

IF YOU GET NORMAN'S ATTENTION,

IT WON'T BE BECAUSE OF
WHAT IS IN THAT BOTTLE.

BUT IF IT DOES, I'LL SELL
MY MOTHER FOR AN OUNCE.

GIRLS.

GIRLS, LOOK WHAT I
FOUND UNDER MY BED.

GEE, THAT'S THE MOST COLORFUL
DUST BALL I'VE EVER SEEN.

- THIS IS NO DUST BALL, ROSE.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

IT'S A ROCK.

I THINK IT MAY BE
SOME KIND OF CHARM.

IT IS.

I LEARNED IT FROM
MY GRANDMOTHER.

YOU SEE, YOU PUT A
SPECIALLY-PAINTED ROCK

BENEATH A PERSON'S BED TO
BRING THEM A RESTFUL SLEEP.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU
PUT THIS UNDER MY BED?

BUT I WAS ONLY
TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.

I FIGURED WITH THOSE TERRIBLE
BAGS, YOU NEEDED THE REST.

DOROTHY ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE THAT.

BESIDES, IT WOULD TAKE
A LOT MORE THAN REST

TO GET RID OF THOSE BABIES.

WHY DON'T YOU ALL TAKE TURNS
HITTING ME WITH A TWO-BY-FOUR?

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO CAUSE ANY TROUBLE.

I THINK MARGUERITE'S
BEEN INHALING

A LITTLE TOO MUCH PINE-SOL.

WEREN'T YOU JUST
SAYING THIS MORNING

HOW MUCH BETTER
YOU'RE SLEEPING LATELY?

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU SAID YOU
HADN'T SLEPT SO WELL IN YEARS.

IT CERTAINLY HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH THIS ROCK.

LOOK, I LIKE MARGUERITE
AS MUCH AS YOU DO,

BUT SHE'S BEEN HERE A WEEK AND
SHE IS NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB.

I THINK SHE'S DOING
A TERRIFIC JOB.

WHY, EVER SINCE SHE
GAVE ME THAT POTION,

NORMAN'S BEEN ON
ME LIKE WHITE ON RICE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT...
WHITE ON RICE?

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE SHE'S A
LITTLE LAX ON THE HOUSEWORK.

SHE IS MORE THAN A LITTLE LAX.

SHE'S HABITUALLY LATE,
BROKEN A NUMBER OF GLASSES

AND THREW OUT PEOPLE
MAGAZINE BEFORE I COULD READ IT.

LOOK AT ALL THE WONDERFUL
THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED

SINCE MARGUERITE
STARTED WORKING HERE.

BLANCHE IS DATING NORMAN,
YOU'RE SLEEPING BETTER

AND SANDY DUNCAN
IS FINALLY BACK ON TV.

I THINK WE SHOULD
HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

YOU KNOW SANDY DUNCAN?

LOOK, MARGUERITE
DIDN'T THROW OUT PEOPLE.

OH, GOOD.

- MORNING, ROSE.
- HI, DOROTHY.

WHY ARE YOU
CLEANING THE KITCHEN?

THIS IS MARGUERITE'S JOB.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY,

BUT I TALKED TO
MARGUERITE ON THE PHONE

AND SHE HAS A GOOD
EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE.

FINE, WHAT IS IT?

SHE HAD TO GO PLUCK A HAIR
FROM THE CHIN OF A DWARF.

AND YOU FELL FOR
THAT OLD EXCUSE.

HAS EITHER OF YOU
GIRLS SEEN MARGUERITE?

- SHE'S NOT HERE YET.
- I WISHED YOU'D LOOK AT THIS.

SHE MELTED MY
BUTTONS WITH THE IRON.

NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO OPEN MY BLOUSE AGAIN.

IT'S A DARK DAY IN THE
HISTORY OF MANKIND.

MAYBE WE'D BETTER HAVE
ANOTHER TALK WITH MARGUERITE.

LOOK, I THINK WE'VE
HAD ENOUGH TALKS.

IT'S TIME WE DID
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

OH, DOROTHY, YOU DON'T
THINK WE OUGHT TO FIRE HER.

LOOK, MARGUERITE
IS A LOVELY PERSON.

SHE JUST CANNOT DO THE JOB.

I HATE TO ADMIT IT,
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE HAD A SIMILAR
SITUATION BACK IN ST. OLAF,

WITH MRS. GUNDERSON,
OUR GRADE SCHOOL TEACHER.

OH, SHE WAS THE NICEST
WOMAN YOU'D EVER WANT TO MEET,

BUT AS THE YEARS WENT BY,

SHE GOT HER FACTS
A LITTLE CONFUSED.

IN BIOLOGY CLASS SHE
STARTED TELLING KIDS

THAT THE HUMAN BODY WAS
MADE UP OF 80% OVALTINE.

WHILE WE WERE STUDYING WWI,

SHE TOLD US MUSTARD GAS
WAS SOMETHING YOU GOT

FROM EATING TOO MANY HOT DOGS.

THAT'S WHY TO
THIS DAY IN ST. OLAF,

EVERYONE CELEBRATES
THE 4TH OF JULY

WITH A THIN OMELET ON A BUN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER
WE FIRE MARGUERITE,

WE EACH CHIP IN AND
GET ROSE A CAT SCAN.

ROSE, IS THERE A
POINT TO YOUR STORY?

WELL, OF COURSE
THERE'S A POINT TO IT.

MRS. GUNDERSON WAS
A REALLY SWEET WOMAN

BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T
DO THE JOB ANYMORE.

THEN IT'S SETTLED.
WE FIRE MARGUERITE.

COULDN'T WE WAIT
JUST A FEW MORE DAYS?

I THINK NORMAN'S
FINALLY GOING TO INVITE ME

TO THE PREMIERE OF
GIVE 'EM HELL, HARRY!,

STARRING MR. FATHER
MULCAHY FROM MASH.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH MARGUERITE?

WELL, IT WAS HER POTION
THAT BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

BLANCHE, YOU STILL
THINK THAT MARGUERITE

HAS SOME KIND OF
MYSTICAL POWERS?

OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS I'M JUST BEING SILLY.

OK, GO AHEAD AND
FIRE HER, DOROTHY.

WHY SHOULD I BE
THE ONE TO FIRE HER?

YOU'RE THE MEANEST.

BLANCHE, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

DOROTHY JUST LOOKS THE MEANEST.

WE HIRED MARGUERITE
TOGETHER, WE FIRE HER TOGETHER.

THANK YOU, ROSE. AND BY THE WAY,

YOU LOOK THE DUMBEST.

MORNING, EVERYONE.

OH, MARGUERITE, I
FEEL SO TERRIBLE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?
- SHE'S A LITTLE UPSET.

SHE JUST FOUND OUT GENE SHALIT
WANTS HIS HAIR TO LOOK THAT WAY.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE,

BUT I HAD TO GO DOWNTOWN
TO GET SOME SPECIAL HERBS.

I'M THROWING TOGETHER ANOTHER
LITTLE APHRODISIAC FOR BLANCHE.

I BETTER GET TO MY WORK.

GIRLS, WE CAN'T FIRE HER NOW,
SHE'S MAKING ME AN APHRODISIAC!

USE VODKA AND BLACK
UNDERWEAR LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

CAN WE JUST GET THIS OVER
BEFORE I LOSE MY NERVE?

OH!

I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOUR
WORK, BUT WE HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT TOOTIE IS MY FAVORITE
ON THE FACTS OF LIFE.

YOU'RE FIRING ME, AREN'T YOU?

MARGUERITE, WE THINK VERY
HIGHLY OF YOU AS A PERSON,

BUT WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO LET YOU GO.

WE JUST DON'T FEEL
YOU'RE RIGHT FOR THIS JOB.

BUT YOU CERTAINLY
DID WHEN YOU HIRED ME.

MARGUERITE, YOU'RE FIRED!

ROSE, WE JUST DID
THAT PART, HONEY.

SORRY. I'M NOT VERY GOOD
AT THIS SORT OF THING.

OF COURSE, WE'LL PAY YOU
FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

OH, MARGUERITE, I
HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
FIRED FROM ANY JOB.

WE'RE REALLY AWFULLY SORRY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE,

BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE
MAKING A VERY BIG MISTAKE.

SHE SEEMED PRETTY UPSET.

WE JUST FIRED HER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE MEANT,

"WE'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE?"

SHE MEANT THAT SHE'S
UNHAPPY THAT SHE LOST HER JOB.

OR THAT SHE'S GOING
TO BLOW UP OUR KITCHEN.

OH!

NICE HIT, TRACY.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU THROW
ONE INTO THE SCHILLER'S YARD?

THIS HAS BEEN THE
WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

MY ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF
SO I WAS LATE TO WORK.

THEN I HAD A FLAT
TIRE ON THE WAY.

WHEN I FINALLY GOT THERE, I
SMASHED MY HAND IN THE DOOR.

OH, I FEEL LIKE CRAWLING
UNDER THE COVERS

AND EATING VELVEETA
RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX.

I HEAR B.B. KING DOES THAT

WHEN HE'S TIRED OF
SINGING THE BLUES.

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME LEMONADE.

THANKS, DOROTHY.

SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING
ON AROUND HERE, DOROTHY.

DON'T BE SILLY. YOU'RE JUST
HAVING A LITTLE BAD LUCK.

DO YOU REALLY
THINK THAT'S ALL IT IS?

OF COURSE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

- NEED ANY HELP?
- GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU JINX.

I MEAN... I MEAN, NO
THANK YOU, ROSE.

GIRLS, YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.

NORMAN THREW ME
OVER FOR A FAT WOMAN.

- OH, BLANCHE, I'M SORRY.
- THANK YOU, ROSE,

BUT DOROTHY OUGHT TO
BE SORRY, IT'S ALL HER FAULT.

- WHAT? WHAT DID I DO?
- YOU MADE US FIRE MARGUERITE.

- NOW SHE'S PUT A CURSE ON US.
- COME ON NOW.

YOU'RE JUST UPSET.
YOU'RE TALKING NONSENSE.

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

I REST MY CASE.

COME ON, DOROTHY, YOU
HAVE TO ADMIT TERRIBLE THINGS

HAVE BEEN HAPPENING
SINCE WE FIRED MARGUERITE.

OUR PLUMBING WENT BAD, THE
REFRIGERATOR BROKE DOWN.

WE'VE ALL HAD CAR TROUBLE.

YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK,

AND NOW BLANCHE'S BOYFRIEND'S
DUMPED HER FOR A PORKER.

MARGUERITE SAID WE WERE MAKING
A BIG MISTAKE WHEN WE FIRED HER

- AND SHE WAS RIGHT.
- I AM NOT LISTENING TO THIS.

YOU BETTER LISTEN TO IT,
'CAUSE WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE HERE.

NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I THINK WE SHOULD GET
MARGUERITE TO TAKE OFF THE CURSE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK HER
IF SHE WANTS HER JOB BACK.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I'M GONNA CALL HER NOW.

WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOBODY IS CALLING ANYBODY.

NOW, LOOK, THIS WHOLE THING
HAS GOTTEN WAY OUT OF HAND.

FIRST OF ALL THERE IS NO
SUCH THING AS A CURSE.

ALL RIGHT, WE'VE
HAD A LITTLE BAD LUCK,

BUT, LADIES, THAT'S LIFE.

I MEAN, WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT

HAS ANYTHING THAT OUT OF
THE ORDINARY REALLY HAPPENED?

THIS ISN'T THE
ORANGE BOWL, IS IT?

GEE, I HOPE MARGUERITE
LIKES CHAMPAGNE.

DON'T YOU THINK WE MAY BE GOING
A LITTLE OVERBOARD WITH THIS?

DOROTHY, REMEMBER THE CROW MAN.

DO WE HAVE ANY CAVIAR TO
GO WITH THIS CHAMPAGNE?

OH, THAT MUST BE...
OH, GIRLS, I'M SCARED.

NOW, NOW, JUST TAKE A
DEEP BREATH AND RELAX.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

OK, DOROTHY, GET THE DOOR.

GO ON.

OH,

MARGUERITE, HOW
LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

PLEASE COME IN.

- HELLO, LADIES.
- WELCOME BACK, MARGUERITE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN
AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

I MUST SAY I WAS A
LITTLE BIT SURPRISED

WHEN YOU CALLED ME
TO GIVE ME BACK MY JOB.

THAT'S WHY I
WANTED TO EXPLAIN...

THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN.
IT WAS ALL A SILLY MISTAKE.

- CHAMPAGNE.
- UH, THANK YOU.

- LADIES...
- THESE ARE FOR YOU.

LADIES, THIS IS ALL
VERY NICE, BUT, PLEASE,

THERE'S SOMETHING I MUST SAY.

YOU SEE, WHEN YOU FIRED ME...

OH, NOW, WE DON'T
HAVE TO GO INTO THAT.

HERE, A LITTLE GIFT
FROM US TO YOU.

OH, UH... WELL...
WELL, ISN'T THAT NICE?

A TIARA?

WELL, YOU SAID TO GET
SOMETHING I'D BUY FOR MYSELF.

SEE, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A TIARA.

EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE
GIRL BACK IN ST. OLAF.

EVERY YEAR I'D BLOW
OUT MY BIRTHDAY CANDLES

AND WISH FOR ONE.

AND EVERY YEAR I'D GET A
FRESHLY-CARVED PAIR OF WOODEN SHOES.

EXCEPT FOR ONE YEAR,
DURING THE DEPRESSION

WHEN I JUST GOT A BLOCK OF COAL,

WHICH I CARVED INTO A
PAIR OF HIGH-TOP KEDS.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU
WANT TO HER, JUST DON'T HURT US.

HERE, MARGUERITE. LET
ME PUT THIS ON FOR YOU.

OH, MY! YOU LOOK STUNNING.

DOESN'T SHE JUST LOOK STUNNING?

SOPHIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I LIVE HERE, REMEMBER?

WHAT IS THIS, THE MISS
BLACK AMERICA CONTEST?

MARGUERITE, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY MOTHER.

THIS IS MY MOTHER,
SOPHIA PETRILLO.

MA, THIS IS MARGUERITE.

OH, I'M PLEASED TO MEET
YOU. WON'T YOU JOIN US?

YEAH, AND POUR ME
SOME OF THAT CHAMPAGNE.

I NEVER KNOW IF I'M GONNA
MAKE IT TO NEW YEAR'S.

SO, WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING?

DID THE SUPREMES
GET BACK TOGETHER?

MA, YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK
YOU SHOULD GO AND LIE DOWN.

YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.

HEY, I'M 80. I LOOK LIKE THIS IN
THE MIDDLE OF A DEAD SLEEP.

- SO, WHAT'S YOUR CLAIM TO FAME?
- I'M THE HOUSEKEEPER.

YEAH?

YOU ALWAYS WEAR A
TIARA TO CLEAN THE TOILET?

MA, COULD I SEE
YOU IN THE KITCHEN?

HEY, TAKE IT EASY!
I'M NOT GUMBY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

MA, I WANT YOU TO BE
ESPECIALLY NICE TO MARGUERITE.

PLEASE, DOROTHY, I WASN'T
BROUGHT UP IN A CAVE.

ACTUALLY, I WAS
BROUGHT UP IN A CAVE.

LISTEN, MA, I AM SERIOUS.

YOU ARE NOT TO ASK
HER TO LIFT A FINGER.

AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU NEED,
YOU LET ME OR ONE OF THE GIRLS KNOW.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

- SHE'S THE HOUSEKEEPER, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

- SHE'S NOT TO LIFT A FINGER?
- RIGHT.

IF ANYTHING NEEDS TO BE
DONE, YOU TAKE CARE OF IT?

RIGHT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MA?

TO GET A JOB AS A HOUSEKEEPER.

MA, MA, BE SERIOUS NOW.

MARGUERITE IS DANGEROUS.
SHE PUT A CURSE ON US.

AND I'M THE ONE THAT
GOT PUT IN A HOME?

I KNOW IT'S UNBELIEVABLE

BUT WE FIRED HER,
SHE PUT A CURSE ON US,

SO WE HAD TO HIRE HER BACK.

NOW, IF WE CAN
JUST KEEP HER HAPPY,

MAYBE SHE'LL LEAVE US ALONE.

YOU REALLY ARE AFRAID OF HER?

MA, MA, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE BUT
PLEASE GO ALONG WITH IT, OK?

I MEAN, DO IT FOR ME.

IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO
YOU, PUSSYCAT, YOU GOT IT.

OH, THANKS. NOW,
REMEMBER, NOT A WORD.

SO, WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT
YOU PUTTING A CURSE ON MY DAUGHTER?

- SOPHIA.
- WE'LL BE TURNED INTO KUMQUATS.

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME.

I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO
CAST A CURSE MYSELF.

DO YOU THINK SHELLEY LONG WAS
REALLY TIRED OF PLAYING IN CHEERS?

WRONG, BABY. I WAS TIRED OF HER.

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

YOU THINK I PUT A CURSE ON YOU?

IT'S TRUE, YOU GOT MAD
AT US FOR FIRING YOU.

THAT'S WHY YOU REVERSED
THAT LOVE POTION YOU GAVE ME.

HONEY, THAT WASN'T LOVE POTION.

THAT WAS CHANEL NO. 5.

I'M NOT BUYING THAT.

DOROTHY USES CHANEL NO. 5 ALL
THE TIME AND SHE NEVER ATTRACTS MEN.

WHAT ABOUT THIS PAINTED ROCK
THAT YOU PUT UNDER MY BED?

OH, THANK GOD YOU FOUND IT!

THIS IS VERY SPECIAL TO ME.

IT WAS THE FIRST
WAGE I EVER EARNED.

MA, THEY PAID YOU IN ROCKS?

HEY, DON'T KNOCK IT.

TO THIS DAY IN SOME
PARTS OF SARDINIA,

TWO OF THESE WILL GET YOU
A VEAL AND PEPPER SANDWICH.

THEN YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT
IT'S HELPING ME TO SLEEP.

OK, I FIGURED THAT
YOU'D BE ANGRY

BECAUSE I DIDN'T
SWEEP UNDER THE BED.

GEE, YOU'RE REALLY A GOOD LIAR.

I KNOW, THAT'S WHY I'M
STUDYING TO BE A LAWYER.

SEE, I'M GOING TO
SCHOOL AT NIGHT

AND THE ONLY TIME
I HAVE TO STUDY

IS WHEN YOU ALL GO
OUT IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S WHY THE TOILETS DON'T
GET THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE.

THEN EVERYTHING WAS
JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING

AND NORMAN REALLY DID
DUMP ME FOR A FAT WOMAN.

NO KIDDING? FATTER THAN YOU?

I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE
BUT I JUST WANTED A JOB.

THE TRUTH IS I DON'T
HAVE ANY MAGICAL POWERS.

BOY, HAVE I BEEN STUPID.

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS DUMB SINCE
I FOUND OUT WILLIAM CONRAD

WASN'T ONE GUY IN A JACKET
AND ANOTHER GUY IN PANTS.

WELL, MARGUERITE, I GUESS
WE JUST LET OUR SUPERSTITIONS

GET THE BEST OF US

AND I THINK WE OWE
YOU AN APOLOGY.

NO, NO, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M A
LOUSY HOUSEKEEPER.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SILLY GOOSE.

GOODBYE, LADIES.

AND I'M REALLY SORRY
FOR ALL THE TROUBLE,

BUT THANK YOU FOR
BEING UNDERSTANDING.

AND THANK YOU FOR TAKING
CARE OF THAT SHELLEY LONG.

I'M TIRED OF THAT THIN,
UPPITY WHITE WOMAN, TOO.

WELL, THAT'S THAT.

ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED ME
TO STRAIGHTEN OUT FOR YOU?

NO, MA.

SO, TELL ME, HOW
WAS THE WEDDING?

BEAUTIFUL.

UNTIL THE BRIDE LIFTED HER VEIL.

I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT
WAS UNDER THAT DRESS.