The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Truth Will Out - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you
knew ♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Morning. Oh, here, taste this.

What is it? Oh, it's my
special maple syrup, honey,



brown sugar, molasses,
Rice Krispies log.

How practical.

A snack you can
panel your den with.

Some people put flour in it, but
I think that makes it too heavy.

My kids always
liked it this way.

Tell me, Rose, do any of your
kids still have their own teeth?

I know it's a little sweet,
but it's Kirsten's favorite.

So, what are you and your
daughter planning on doing this week?

Oh, my granddaughter's
never been to Florida before,

so I thought I'd take them
to SeaWorld and Gatorworld

and Reptile World
and Parrot Village.

What? The parrots
don't get a world?

Oh, this is outrageous!

Dorothy, just look at this man.
He is obviously guilty as sin!



I don't even know why
they're bothering with a trial.

What trial? Oh, the
Duncan Osgood trial.

You know, that big society
murder over in Palm Beach?

What makes you
so sure he's guilty?

His wife was found at the
bottom of their private lake,

clutching his
dickey in her hand.

Well, that would certainly place
him at the scene of the crime.

Look at this. I'm a
walking time bomb.

230 over 190.

Stand back - I could
blow any minute.

Ma, you know that
machine is not working.

You shouldn't take any
chances. I can't be moved.

Somebody else will have to give
up their room for Rose's family.

Come on. You're fine.
You're staying with me.

You always complain and
we always get through it.

All right, fine.

But I'm begging you, while
we're sleeping together,

please lay off the
broccoli at dinner, huh?

Sophia, I really appreciate
you giving up your room.

It's just so much more fun having
the family here than at a hotel.

I bet you're pretty
excited about the visit.

Oh, yes. And a little nervous.

Nervous? Why on earth
would you be nervous?

It's your daughter and
your granddaughter.

My friend Maria is always nervous when
her daughter Theresa comes for a visit.

Of course, her daughter
is a hitman for the Mob.

The rumor is she
dated Frank Sinatra.

You know the song
"The Lady is a Tramp"?

It used to be
"Theresa Is a Tramp."

Well, they had to change
it for legal reasons.

Ma, what are you talking about?

Somebody asked me
about Frank Sinatra.

We were asking Rose why she's
nervous about seeing her daughter.

Then try to stay on the subject.

Why are you nervous, Rose?

Well, I'm nervous because I
made Kirsten executor of my will

and I have to go over
the documents with her.

Oh, honey, she's a big
girl. I mean, this may not be

the most pleasant conversation
you two will ever have,

but she can handle it.

Well, there are just some things
in there that might surprise her.

Oh, some deep,
dark family secrets?

No, I just don't know
how she's gonna react.

Oh, boy, I'd love to put
some surprises in my will.

Like leaving a small remembrance

to each of the men who
has brought some special joy

or pleasure to my life.

Where would they
read that will, Blanche?

The Astrodome?

Or maybe I'd just do something
like, "To my sister Virginia

"I hereby bequeath
my diamond brooch,

"my collection of
Wedgwood china,

and all my stock in AT&T.”

You have stock in AT&T?

I don't have any of those
things, but for one brief moment,

Virginia would think
she'd hit the jackpot!

♪ That's why mm-mm is a tramp ♪

Are they here yet? No, not yet.

But Rose left for the
airport over an hour ago.

Wait until you
see what I bought.

Oh, I found the most
stunning silk dress,

an incredibly
revealing lace nightie,

and look, these just
adorable sequined socks.

Sequined socks...

I think they kind of make
a personal statement.

Yeah, "this end up."

Sophia! Anyway,
I'm glad I got back

before Kirsten and
Charley got here.

Who's Charley?
Rose's granddaughter.

That's a girl's name? Charley?

That's a bookie's name.

Honey, she's named
after Rose's husband.

Rose's husband was a bookie?

He sold insurance.
An even bigger racket.

Dorothy, listen,
before Rose gets here,

can I ask you something? Sure.

You don't have to
answer if you don't want to.

What is it? If you think it's
none of my business, just say,

"Blanche, it's none
of your business!"

Oh, look, Blanche,
you caught me one night

sneaking out of the kitchen
naked, with an Oreo in my mouth.

We have no secrets. Now,
ask your damn question.

Have you noticed that Rose
has been acting peculiar?

Yes, Blanche, from
the first day I met her.

No, I mean since she's been
getting ready for her daughter's visit.

I think it has something
to do with her will.

She's just excited about
seeing her daughter.

No, I think it's more than that.

You know how she
said she was nervous

about showing her
daughter her will?

Well, Dorothy, she ought to be,
because wills make people do crazy things.

Like what, Blanche?

Like killing people.

Do you know what
they just uncovered

in the Duncan
Osgood murder case?

That the day before
she was murdered,

Tippi Paxton Osgood
had changed her will,

making Duncan the sole heir
to the Paxton napkin fortune!

That man is guilty! Oh, come on!

That's circumstantial evidence!

I mean, it's not
enough to convict him.

Well, actually, the
more damning evidence

was a snapshot they found of
Duncan dressed in scuba gear,

dragging Tippi's body down
the stairs, wrapped in a carpet.

Maybe it was from
their wedding album.

Here we are. This is home.

Oh, Charley, Kirsten, I
want you to meet my friends

Blanche and Dorothy.

Hello, Kirsten. Hiya, Charley!

Rose has told us so
much about both of you.

I'm just so glad you
finally got to Miami.

Well, when Mom told me she
needed me to review the estate papers,

I figured it was a perfect
excuse to come for a visit.

It's just a will, Kirsten.

I wouldn't call
it estate papers.

And while we're down here,
I'm gonna go to astronaut camp.

Astronaut camp?

There's a camp for
astronauts? Is it close by?

Down, Blanche.

It's a special program
for young people.

Isn't that something?

My granddaughter
wants to be an astronaut.

Not really, Grandma.

I just want to meet boys
who want to be astronauts.

Me too!

Charley, do you wanna
give Blanche and Dorothy

the presents we
brought for them?

Sure, Mom. Oh, you
didn't have to do that.

Hope you like it. It's
very popular in Minnesota.

It's a maple syrup,
honey, brown sugar,

molasses, Rice Krispie log!

One for each of you.

How sweet. How incredibly sweet.

Oh, come on, now. We
gotta get you two settled.

Can you get those,
honey? Sure, Mom.

Thank you for inviting
us to stay with you.

Oh, thank you for
these lovely gifts.

What are you
gonna do with yours?

It's a log. I'm
going to burn it.

Mom, dinner was delicious.
Oh, it certainly was.

You must've spent
all day in that kitchen.

Oh, no. It's a simple recipe.

You just take some mashed
potatoes and mixed vegetables

and ground lamb and
throw 'em all together.

Where we come from,
it's called shepherd's pie.

Where I come from,
it's called garbage.

Ma, please.

Rose, dinner was
wonderful, it truly was.

Thanks. It was my
husband's favorite.

Charley used to ask for
it at least once a week.

You know, I don't believe
George ever requested

anything special from me.
At least not in the kitchen.

No, that's not entirely true.

Once, on our anniversary...
or was it on payday?

Anyway, I remember a butcher
block table was involved...

Blanche.

Oh.

Anybody ready for
dessert? I am, Grandma.

Oh, good. I'll slice into
that Rice Krispie log.

Uh, just coffee.

Let me help you,
Mom. Sure, sweetheart.

Oh, honey, you didn't
eat your Brussels sprouts.

I don't like Brussels
sprouts. Neither do I.

Put them in here with mine.

Mom, your friends are lovely.

Oh, they're two
very special people.

When you first told
me you were moving in

with some other ladies,
I was really surprised.

What do you mean? Well, I
thought, why would anyone

who could afford to
be totally independent

want to live with someone else?

Kirsten, I think there's
something I should explain.

You don't have to, Mom.
I understand perfectly.

Meeting Blanche and
Dorothy explains everything.

I want you to take
a look at my will.

Mom, you keep your
will in the cookie jar?

Yes. Every time I used
to walk in the kitchen,

your father was
in the cookie jar.

This way, he still is.

I think I'd better warn you,

I know how much you
liked my sapphire necklace,

but I thought you'd get more
use out of the pearl earrings.

Mom, these numbers
don't make sense.

They can't be right.

They're right, Kirsten.
I had them checked

with a lawyer and an accountant.

But there's nothing
here. Of course there is.

I mean, there's nothing
close to what should be here.

Daddy was one of the most successful
insurance salesmen in his company.

You couldn't possibly have
gone through everything.

Well, Kirsten,
times have changed.

Money just doesn't
go as far as it used to.

We just came to help.

No, actually you
were gone so long,

we were afraid you two
were making another log.

In 15 years, you
managed to piddle away

the fortune it took
Daddy a lifetime to build?

Kirsten, it's not that simple.

Just tell me how it happened.

How could you go through
everything Daddy earned?

I don't know. Bad investments.

I guess I got a little greedy.

You know,
get-rich-quick schemes.

I lost it all. I'm sorry.

Mother, I am so ashamed of you.

I don't believe it.
Well, me neither.

Rose Nylund isn't the kind to
squander her money on bad investments.

It's true! I did it.

I guess you two don't know
me as well as you think you do.

Please join us when we
return to the air at 6am.

We now conclude our broadcast
day with the Blue Angels Squadron,

accompanied by
our national anthem.

At ease, Rose.

Come on, honey, why
don't you get some sleep?

I can't.

You wanna talk about
it? I can't do that either.

Here you are.

I just spent five minutes
telling your bathroom door

that everything's gonna be fine
between you and your daughter.

You should never lie to anyone.

OK, it was only
three minutes, but still.

I stood there like a fool.

Even if lying seems like
a good idea at the time.

Oh, Rose. What are
you talking about?

Is this about Kirsten?

Oh, Kirsten wouldn't lie. I
raised her better than that.

I mean, except for a little white
lie, but that doesn't really count.

Oh, yes, it does.

A lie is a lie, which is a sin,

which sends you
straight to hell.

Who told a lie? Oh, who hasn't?

Me. I never lie.

Ma, how much did you lose
at the dog track last week?

None of your business,
and that's the truth.

What's the biggest
lie you've ever told?

I once told my sister Charmaine

that she was left on
our doorstep by gypsies.

What?

Well, Blanche, why would
you wanna do a thing like that?

She annoyed me.

Always mouthing off about how
her hair was curlier than mine,

her complexion was
prettier than mine.

I finally said there was good
reason for it - she was left by gypsies!

Had her completely convinced.

Well, what did she say
when you told her the truth?

Oh, I never did.

I even tried to help her find
her little old gypsy mama.

Well, I lied to Stan.

I used to tell him how
great he was in bed.

It was really very difficult,

but, fortunately, I only had
to tell him on his birthday.

So you see? Everybody
bends the truth now and then.

It's not a crime.

But I lied to Kirsten.
Now she hates me for it.

Then tell her
the truth. I can't!

If I tell her the truth
about the money,

then she'll find out the
truth about her father.

I can't let that
happen. I just can't.

Ooh. My God!

It's worse than I thought.

Why, this is more baffling
than the Paxton Osgood case.

First, Rose had to
lie about the money

and now she's hiding some
deep, dark secret about Charley.

Well, Blanche, whatever it
is, it is none of our business.

Come on, Ma. Let's go to bed.

No, of course it's our business!

We're friends, we're roommates.

I have no secrets from you.
My whole life is an open book.

Your whole life
is an open blouse.

Charley!

Charley, lunch is ready.

Hi. Did you and
Mommy make up yet?

No, not yet. Oh, but we will.

My, don't you look lovely!

Thank you. I have a date.

Oh, I see. Anybody I know?

His name is Robert.
He lives in a castle.

A castle? Oh,
that's very exciting.

Would you like some
help with your makeup?

OK.

You know, I used to
go out with a Robert.

His father owned the
movie house in town.

One month, I saw the
same picture 15 times.

Sounds like cable.

So, tell me about Robert.

What's he like? He's
a lot like Grandpa.

Really? Does he
look like Grandpa?

No, he looks like
Bruce Springsteen.

Oh, well, then, how
is he like Grandpa?

He works very, very hard
and he's very, very rich.

And what else? I don't know.

That's all I've ever
heard about Grandpa.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I wish you'd known
Grandpa, Charley.

You'd have like him a lot.

Do you think he
would've liked me?

Liked you? He
would've adored you.

Do you think that this is the
right outfit to wear to a castle?

Oh, yes. And you'll
be glad of that sweater.

Castles can be very drafty.

Are you two coming? The
spaghetti is getting cold.

We'll be there in
a minute, Sophia.

We're in the middle
of a makeup lesson.

I hope the kid can help you. You
wear more rouge than Miss Piggy.

That's it. I'm outta here.

Ma, what's the
matter? I can't sleep.

All night long,
tossing and turning.

I'd get more rest
on Space Mountain.

I'm sorry, Ma. I can't help it.

Hey, I could live with
the tossing and turning.

Your cold feet are
what's driving me crazy.

It's like having two
size-nine Fudgsicles

pressed up against my butt.

Ma, will you knock it off? I
have to get back to sleep.

Oh, good. I'm so
glad you're awake.

I'm so glad you're awake.
I'm taking my bed back.

Fine! Rose, get into bed.

Ma, get out of here and
take your teeth with you.

Don't make fun of your mother.

If I didn't wake up tomorrow,
you'd never forgive yourself.

I'll risk it.

Dorothy, do you
feel like talking?

Oh, honey, if it can
wait until morning,

I'd really appreciate
it. I'm exhausted.

Sure. I am too.

Let's just get some sleep.

Dorothy, you're
sleeping with a liar.

Don't worry about it, Rose.

Most of the people
I've slept with were liars.

Good night.

Dorothy, a lie is
like a snowball.

You start out with
one little harmless lie,

and then you have to tell
another one to cover up the first.

And then another and another.

You know what I mean?

And then before long, you've got
an entire snowman built out of lies.

Dorothy?

I was gonna let
Kirsten leave tomorrow

and never tell her the truth.

I was willing to risk
having her hate me

to protect Charley's memory.

That's Charley, my husband,
not Charley, my granddaughter.

But you'd know that
if you were still awake.

But then today, I
found that the lies

I've been telling about
Charley are hurting Charley.

Husband and
granddaughter, respectively.

So tomorrow, I'm just
gonna have to stop this lying

and tell the truth, no matter
how much it might hurt all of us.

Dorothy, I want you to know
that having friends like you

really helps me get
through times like this.

Now, you sleep well, and
I'll see you in the morning.

I love you.

Oh, thank God. I thought
you'd never shut up.

Well, whoever said a man
is innocent until proven guilty

sure said a mouthful.

I was wrong about
Duncan - he didn't kill Tippi.

Well, what about
all that evidence?

The scuba gear, the
carpet, the dickey?

It turns out it was one
of their trusted servants

who was trying to
frame poor Duncan.

Oh, don't tell me.
The butler did it?

No, he just thought of it.
He made the maid do it.

Good morning. Good
morning, Kirsten.

Oh, honey, I think your
mother was looking for you.

Oh, I've been to the airline
office changing our tickets.

We're leaving this
afternoon. Where's Charley?

On the lanai. My mother
is trying to help her

put Barbie's hair
back on with PoliGrip.

Oh, Kirsten, you're back.

I wanna talk to you.
Uh, not now, Mother.

I promised Charley
I'd take her to lunch

and then we have to
pack. We're leaving early.

Now. It's important.

Mother, there's
nothing to talk about.

Oh, yes, there is.

And I should've done
it a long time ago.

Kirsten, your father wasn't
who you thought he was.

Uh, I don't think it's necessary
for all of us to be here.

You're right. Bye, Dorothy.

Don't go. I want
you all to hear this.

I lied about the money.

I didn't squander it
on bad investments.

I couldn't have. He didn't
leave me any to begin with.

Mother, what are you telling me?

Oh, your father was a
wonderful man, Kirsten.

Kind and warm and caring

and never willing to
let a friend or a neighbor

struggle through
hard times alone.

But he was also the
worst businessman

to ever balance a checkbook.

But you always told us
how successful Daddy was.

He was a success.
As a human being.

But his work took
him away so much,

I was afraid you
wouldn't know that.

That's why I made him
into something he wasn't.

I guess maybe I was afraid
you'd think he was a failure.

I never thought
of him as a failure.

I hope I never let
him feel like one.

If I did, I can only pray
that he forgives me now.

And that you will too.

Oh, Mom.

Come on, let's go find
Charley and take her to lunch.

Sure.

With the size of our estate,
I think we can afford lunch.

So that's it? That's
the big secret.

Charley was a nice guy.

Oh, I'm sorry it
lacked the intrigue

of the Duncan Osgood case.

But isn't it amazing how
things always work out?

Now Rose and her daughter
have reconciled their differences,

and Duncan Osgood can
walk the streets a free man.

I guess all's well
that ends well.

That's easy for you to say.

You're not at the
bottom of a lake,

clutching someone's dickey.