The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 17 - Nice and Easy - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say,

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Sophia, what are you doing?

Painting numbers on my toes.



I keep forgetting their names.

But Lucy will be
here any minute.

Honey, this doesn't
look very nice.

I say, let relatives
see how you really live.

That way, they
don't hang around.

Well, it so happens that my
niece and I are very close.

In fact, I'm hoping
her interviews go well

so she can transfer
to a college here

and I can see her more often.

I was never close with any of
my nieces. They all became nuns.

It's hard to shop for
a nun at Christmas.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

What? A rat!

A rat? It wasn't a rat.



It was a cute little mouse.

Rose, it doesn't wear white
gloves and work at Disneyland.

We're talking about a rodent.

Oh, I'm calling
the exterminator.

Oh, no, don't!

A mouse saved my life once.

His name was Larry.
Larry the mouse.

Oh, I loved Larry.

He used to walk to
school with me every day

on a little leash I
made out of kite string.

Well, one day, we were
about to cross the bridge

down near the schoolhouse,

and Larry stopped
dead in his tracks.

No matter how I
yanked on that leash,

he just wouldn't move.

Suddenly, I heard
this loud noise.

The dam upstream had broken,

and this rush of water
swept the bridge away.

Larry saved my life!

If it weren't for a mouse

just like that little
one in the kitchen,

I wouldn't be sitting here
today, telling you this story.

Call the exterminator.

Oh, my gosh, that must be Lucy.

All right, now, you-all.
Please, no more rat talk.

Ah, Lucy. Hi! Aunt Blanche!

Get in here. I want
you to meet my friends.

This is Sophia and
Dorothy and Rose.

Hello. Nice to meet you, Lucy.

Let me get a look at you, girl.

Mmm, terrific little figure,

gorgeous hair, perfect skin.

Just like looking in a mirror.

Get some Windex!

How was your trip?
Oh, it was wonderful.

I met a gorgeous, single
doctor on the plane.

Oh, at 30,000 feet,
she picks up a doctor.

Now I see the
family resemblance.

In fact, I'm supposed to meet
him in a half hour, if that's OK.

But darling, you just got here.
Aunt Blanche, you always said,

“If you've got a stallion
eating oats out of your hand,

best close the gate before
you give him the sugar.”

You said that, Blanche?

I won't go if you
don't want me to...

but I do wanna go, so can I?

Would your mother let you go?

No. Then go.

Thank you!

Oh, you're the best!
I'll see y'all later!

Oh, isn't she something!
I'm really proud of her.

Now, if I could just manage to
rope myself a doctor that easily.

Honey, I don't think there's
enough sugar left in the bowl.

He's back! I saw him
running across my dresser.

Who's back? O.J. Simpson, Rose.

The rat is back! He's
not a rat, he's a mouse.

He is history! I'm
calling the exterminator.

Oh, no, Dorothy. Don't
do that. I'll talk to him.

What, you'll talk to the
exterminator? No, the mouse.

I can communicate with animals.

He's just a little field
mouse who's lost his way.

He'll listen to me.
Mice always have.

Rose, do you have any
idea how weird you are?

Girls, I am just beside myself.
I just don't know what to do.

Honey, what's wrong? Lucy
didn't come home last night.

Her bed has not been slept
in. Calm down, Blanche.

I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, Blanche, I'm
sure she'll be fine.

I mean, what's the
worst that can happen

to a 20-year-old girl in Miami?

Oh, my God.

Oh, good morning!

Lucy? For heaven's sake, where have
you been, girl? I've been worried sick!

Aunt Blanche, only you could
understand what happened.

I am in love! The doctor?

Oh, he took me on his
boat for a midnight cruise.

It was incredible.

I've only known him a few hours,

but the evening was so perfect.

I didn't get any sleep, and I
have my interview this afternoon.

I just have to tell
you all about it later.

I don't believe
it. Neither do I.

Imagine, landing
herself a doctor,

and she still wants
to finish college.

That should give them something
to talk about back in Dogpatch.

Do you approve of what Lucy did?

No, but I am not
passing judgment.

Honey, things are very
different these days.

Now, she seems
like a levelheaded girl,

and who knows?
Maybe she did fall in love.

That's right, Rose.

She doesn't do this
sort of thing all the time.

Sophia, do you
think it's right for a girl

to sleep with a man
on their first date?

It's a sin!

See, Sophia agrees with
me. All I said was, it's a sin.

Personally, I'd go back
to eating fish on Friday

if His Holiness gave
that one the green light.

We're out of milk.

King me. Ma, you can't do that!

What are you talking about?
It's a perfectly legal double jump.

Yes, but I'm black, you're red!

Hey, it's supposed
to be a friendly game.

All of a sudden, you're
playing Vegas rules?

Hi, everyone! Oh, Lucy,
honey, how did the interview go?

Oh, fantastic! Is
Aunt Blanche here?

I want to tell her all about it,

and that I won't be
home for dinner tonight.

Oh, your gorgeous doctor taking
you for another midnight cruise?

Oh, no. Tonight I'm
going out with Michael.

Michael isn't the doctor?

No, Michael's
from the university.

He's the one who interviewed me.

Oh, he's an absolute
dream, he really is.

He is the most stunning
hunk of masculinity

I have seen since... since...

Since the dazzling
doctor from last night?

Lucy, darling, how
did the interview go?

Oh, it was great, Aunt Blanche.

I have a feeling I'm
gonna be spending

a lot more time here
with you in Miami.

Oh, that's wonderful!

So I hope you won't
be upset if I'm not home

for dinner tonight...
or tomorrow night.

Oh, Lucy!

Please, Aunt Blanche. He wants
me to fly to the Bahamas with him.

The Bahamas?

Well, I suppose you
do have to celebrate

doing so well this afternoon.
So, what the heck? Go on!

Oh, thank you, thank you!
I knew you'd understand.

I'll see you-all later.

Oh, I'm so happy things
are going so well for her.

Practically accepted
into college,

now she's flying off to
the Bahamas with a doctor.

Uh, Blanche, this
trip to the Bahamas,

it is not with the doctor.

What do you mean? Girl's a slut.

That's not what
I meant, exactly.

No, she's going to the Bahamas
with the college interviewer

she met this afternoon.

This is the second man
she's gone away with

since she arrived... yesterday.

Well, she's 20 years
old. She's a young lady.

I don't have any right
to butt into her life.

I think you should
talk to her mother.

Oh, I can't do that. Why not?

Because Lucy trusts me.

Ever since she
was a little girl,

she and I have
confided in each other.

If I betrayed that trust,
she'd never forgive me.

I'd never forgive myself.

Then I think you should talk to
her as soon as she gets back.

I think you're right. I
need to straighten this out.

I don't know what to say to her.

I used to know a
girl like that in Sicily.

She slept with every Tom,
Dick, and Vito in our village.

Finally, the women took
matters in their own hands.

They dragged her to
the outskirts of town,

threw her on the
ground, and asked her,

"Why? Why would you do
such a thing?" What did she say?

"What else is there to do
in this godforsaken village?"

Ma, what does this
have to do with Lucy?

Not a thing. It's the
only slut story I know.

I'll just be a minute.

Oh. Oh, Lucy, you're home.

Aunt Blanche, what
are you doing up?

I was waiting up to talk to
you, honey. I guess I dozed off.

Well, what is it?
Is anything wrong?

No, everything's fine, really.

Why don't you say good night to your friend
and I'll meet you in the kitchen, OK?

Uh, Aunt Blanche, wait.

I wasn't gonna say
good night to Ed.

I was just stopping by
to pick up a few things.

What? Well, it was on the way.

I'm in that new complex
over on Lakefront.

By the way, I'm Ed
Collins, Miami Vice.

Miami what?

Vice. Ed's with the
police department.

Oh. I thought he was
with the university.

No, actually, before
you left last night,

I thought he was the
doctor from the plane

and Dorothy explained to me that
he was the university interviewer.

Oh, no, that was Michael, the
guy I flew to the Bahamas with.

I just met Ed at the
airport. He arrested Michael

for transporting
marijuana from the islands.

Boy, you think you
know somebody.

I see. Well, Ed picking up
Michael was doing his job.

You picking up Ed is something I
think the two of us have to discuss.

Ed, it's been a real
pleasure. Good night.

Lucy, you're grounded for
the rest of your stay here.

Aunt Blanche, wait.
You're embarrassing me.

Why don't you get
a good night's sleep,

and we'll talk when I
get home tomorrow?

I don't think you
heard what I said.

You are not going anywhere.

Aunt Blanche, I'm 20 years old.

I'm going whereever I please.

Come on, Ed.

You walk out that door, missy,
you can forget about coming back!

Lucy!

Lucy!

I just don't understand it.

I forbade her to go,
and she looked me

straight in the eye, and
walked out that door.

Honey, you have to understand. Lucy's
experiencing her first taste of freedom.

She's going through
a rebellious stage.

Sweetie, it's part of
growing up. Dorothy's right.

I cringe at some
of the stunts I pulled

when I was going through
my rebellious stage.

Like what, Rose,
squeezing the cows too hard?

No... like climbing out
my bedroom window

and stealing my father's truck

to drive into a bar in the
city to meet Clel Lightener.

Clel Lightener? I think I
used that on my hair once.

Oh, Clel was the cutest
boy at our high school.

He was also the only sophomore
old enough to get into a bar.

So... what did you do
when you got there?

Oh, I sat in my
father's truck for hours,

paralyzed with fear. I
kept thinking to myself,

"What is a simple
Protestant farm girl

doing in the parking
lot of a gin mill

in a flashy, fast-paced
city like Tyler's Landing?"

So, did you get out
of the truck or what?

Of course. I marched
up to the door,

and I ran right into
Reverend Mackenzie

coming out of the bar on
the arm of Millie Beasley...

wife of Emmett Beasley, our
town's most decorated war hero.

Emmett received
three Purple Hearts...

all for head wounds.

He ran the feed
store in our town.

'Course, if the truth be
known, Millie was the one

who had to make
change for the customers.

Rose, are you telling a story
or performing Our Town?

Oh, sorry.

Anyway, Reverend
Mackenzie made a deal with me.

He said if I didn't tell on him,

he wouldn't tell on
me. So I went home.

Well, did he keep your secret?

Till the day he died...

which was two days later.

Emmett found Millie and
the Reverend skinny-dipping

in the church's fountain...

and he shot the both of them.

A week later, we
became Lutherans.

Rose, that isn't a
"teenage rebellion" story.

That is a "changing
religions" story.

That is a big
"who cares?" story.

That is a "why-the-hell-tell-it-in-
the-first-place?" story!

Blanche, Blanche.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

but it's just that I
actually went through

a very rebellious
stage as a teenager.

I know how difficult it can be.

What did you do that
was so rebellious?

When I was 15, I dropped
out of school for a month

to become a magician's
assistant. When I was 16,

I ran off with a gas station
attendant twice my age

to get married in Mexico.

When I was 17, I hitchhiked to
New York, and for two months,

I was a Rockette under
an assumed name.

Tyler's Landing kind
of pales in comparison.

I stand corrected. How did you
get through all that, Blanche?

I was lucky enough to have
my big sister Charmaine

chasing after me, trying to talk
some sense into my fool head.

Maybe Lucy could use a
big sister herself right now.

If she doesn't already have one,
I don't think it's humanly possible.

I'm going after her.

It's the middle of the
night. You can't go alone!

We'll all go.

What are we screaming
at? I'm not sure. Dorothy?

The mouse, the mouse!

Rose, you promised
that you'd get rid of it!

Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. I
tried to reason with him,

but he just didn't seem to
understand why he had to leave.

Oh, I thought I
had him convinced,

but at the last minute,
he changed his mind.

Which surprised me, because
mice aren't usually fickle.

But this mouse is an odd duck.

Rose, how many head
wounds have you had?

I know a lot of people prefer
Sonny Crockett on the show,

but me, I'm strictly
a Tubbs man.

I've never seen the show.
You've never seen Miami Vice?

It's only the best show that's
ever been on television... ever!

It's in stereo, for Pete's sake!

Oh, I'd like to see my
niece. Sure, come on in.

Aunt Blanche, I can't
believe you're here.

Haven't you embarrassed
me enough already?

Lucy, can we
please talk in private?

Whatever you have to say
to me, you can say right here.

I have no secrets
from, um... Ed... Ed.

If you need some privacy,
you can use my bedroom.

Thank you.

Please, ladies, have a seat.

Can I get you ladies anything
to drink? Oh, no, thank you.

I like your
apartment. Thank you.

It kind of looks like
something out of Miami Vice.

Really? Are you
a fan of the show?

I adore it. Me, too!

Miami Vice has been the
biggest influence on my life.

That's why I joined
the police force.

That's why I drive a fancy car. That's
why I wear expensive Italian suits.

That's why I'm up
to my neck in hock.

You can't afford all that
stuff on a vice cop's salary.

Who knew, huh?

Aunt Blanche, I'm a grown woman.

I can live my life
any way I want to.

Oh, I know that.

I just don't think this is the
way you really wanna live it.

Is it my fault men
find me attractive?

No, honey. What they
find you is available,

and that's no compliment.

I find this very strange
coming from you, Aunt Blanche,

'cause from the
stories I've heard,

you're not exactly a saint.

No, you're right.

I do enjoy the company of
gentlemen... always have.

But I can promise
you one thing, Lucy -

when I'm with a man,
it's 'cause I like him,

not 'cause I want
him to like me.

Well, what's wrong
with wanting to be liked?

Aunt Blanche, do you remember
what I looked like as a kid?

Oh, yes, I do. You
were a beautiful child.

I was not.

I was short and fat
with braces and acne.

And I used to think to myself,
"Oh, I would give anything

to be just like my
Aunt Blanche -

to be pretty and popular
with lots of friends."

And then when I turned 16,

it seemed like everything
changed overnight.

I shot up and out,
the braces came off...

and finally, the boys
started to notice me.

And it was nice to
be noticed, to be liked.

Oh, baby.

Honey, you've been trying so
hard to get everybody to like you

that you never got
around to liking yourself.

And if you don't like yourself,
you can't respect yourself,

and if you can't
respect yourself,

neither can anybody else.

Why don't you come on home?

We still have one more
week before you have to leave.

I don't want to spend
it fighting with you.

I want to enjoy being
with my favorite niece!

Ohh!

OK, how about this one -

what was the name
of the informant

who Crockett and
Tubbs accidentally set up

in the "Cool Running"
episode? There's no way!

That was Noogie, better known
on the street as "the Noog Man."

Rose, you're just incredible
on Miami Vice trivia.

I've never met anyone so smart!

Ed, for a policeman, you've
led a very sheltered life.

Come on, everybody,
we're going home.

But I just put popcorn
in the microwave.

Oh, listen, Ed, I'm sorry.

You're a nice guy,
but I have to go.

I understand, Lucy.

Would you mind if I
gave you a call sometime?

Sure, I guess that'd be OK.

Not you, Lucy. I
was talking to Rose.

Oh, I don't think so.

Are you sure? Tuesday
night, I'm getting together

with a couple of buddies. We're
going through Don Johnson's trash!

No.

Good night, Ed. We're
going to go home now.

And I want you to know,
we'll all sleep a lot better

knowing you're off duty tonight.

Gotcha! Trapped like a rat.

OK, so you're a mouse.

Either way, you're out of here.

Oh, listen, you had
your chance to leave,

and you didn't take it...

and now I have to kill you.

I mean, I'm probably
doing you a favor.

I mean, what kind
of life are you having?

What, you hang around
sewers, you eat garbage.

That's not living, honey.

Now, believe me,
you'll be better off

once I put you
out of your misery.

I have never killed another
living thing in my entire life.

All right, a bug. Yes,
I have killed bugs...

but they don't count.

I don't know why,
they just don't!

I don't believe this!

I'm talking to a mouse.

The scary part is, I
think you're listening.

Oh, look, I beg you,
mammal to mammal.

Please go!

Look, the exterminator
said that you came in

through a hole under the sink.

Please, that's the
way I'd like you to go.

Oh, good boy! Ohh!

You have the gift!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Rose! Tell me, how long
have you been standing there?

Dorothy, I heard you
talking to that little mouse.

It was beautiful. I
wasn't talking to a mouse.

Yes, you were. I saw
you. I was kidding!

Oh, Dorothy, it's
nothing to be ashamed of.

There are only a
few of us privileged

to have the gift to
communicate with animals.

Lucy's ready to leave.
Come on, let's say goodbye.

We'll be right there.

Rose Nylund, if you ever
breathe a word of this to anyone,

I swear I'll kill you!

Oh, Dorothy, don't be silly. You
couldn't even kill a little mouse.

That's because you can
communicate with them.

Oh, Dorothy, one
word of caution.

It's a powerful
gift... use it wisely.

You let me know the minute you decide
where you're going to school, you hear?

I will. Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you for
loving me so much.

These last few days have
really made a difference.

Sophia, oh, thank you.

Dorothy, Rose, I hope I
wasn't too much trouble.

Don't be silly. No, we
enjoyed having you.

So did half of Miami. Ma!

Have a safe trip!

OK. Bye-bye. Bye, darling.

Blanche, exactly what
did you say to Lucy

that night at Ed's apartment?

Oh, I told her a lot of things.

I told her she was a bright,
charming, funny young lady

who didn't have to rely
upon sex to be liked.

Well, good for you, Blanche.

You know, I hadn't realized how
much she's been looking up to me.

I think the thing that really
turned her around was

when I told her that
when it comes to men,

I'm just a lot of talk.

Embellishment's one of the
oldest traditions in the South.

Tall tales and tall drinks.

I don't really sleep around
near as much as I say I do.

Is that true, Blanche?

Maybe it is and maybe it isn't!