The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 14 - That Was No Lady - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you
knew ♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Who was known as the
world's fastest human being?

Dominic Tansey.



It says Jesse Owens here.

Trust me - it was
Dominic Tansey.

He got four women
pregnant in one night.

Two in New York,
two in New Jersey.

Girls, I am so excited.
I am finally going to

do something you've heard
me talk about doing for years.

You decided to install
a trapeze over your bed.

No. Actually, I'm
talking about this car.

Oh, Blanche, it's beautiful!

Can you afford a car like this?

Only if I can unload my old one.

Oh, that won't be any problem.

That's a wonderful car.

Rose, you need a car.
Why don't you buy it?



No, no, I couldn't
sell my car to Rose.

She's my friend. My great
granddaddy always used to say

there are two things
you never sell to a friend:

a car and a sleigh.

'Cause if either one
of them quits working,

you'll never hear the end of it.

'Course they hanged
my great granddaddy.

He said a lot of things
he shouldn't have.

What'll you give me for it?

Oh, I couldn't buy your
car. It's not my type.

I want a car that
says "practical."

Your car says "available."

Well, just take off my
personalized plates.

Rose, I'll tell you what.
Take the car for two weeks.

Oh... Yeah, just try it out.

If you don't absolutely
love it, I'll take it back.

Well... No questions asked.

What the heck,
you only live once.

Might as well be daring.

Rose, it's a used car -

it's not a seat on
the space shuttle.

Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

Blanche, I need you
to give me a manicure.

Rose, I need you to
lend me your pearls.

Ma, I need you to
stay off my back.

What? What'd I do?

I am going out with a new
man tonight, and he is not Italian.

Oh, who is he Dorothy?

Oh, his name is Glen O'Brien.

Where'd you meet him?
His name is O'Brien.

Two to one, she
met him at a gin mill.

No, he's a teacher at the
school where I've been subbing.

A gorgeous gym teacher.

Ooh.

Well, I noticed him a
few times and today,

as luck would have
it, I found myself

right behind him in
the line in the cafeteria.

After I butted ahead
of 25 students.

Anyway, we started
talking and in 30 seconds,

I was in love.

And he asked you out?

Yes! We're going
out to dinner tonight.

I cannot believe
how excited I am!

I mean, he's practically a
stranger and I'm crazy about him.

I haven't felt this way
about a man ever before.

Oh, honey, you've been
hit by the thunderbolt.

Love at first sight. It
happened to me once.

Once? You've been
hit by more lightning

than the World Trade Center.

I was hit by the
thunderbolt once.

Probably a direct
hit to the forehead.

It was the first time
I saw my Charlie.

I was seven and he was eight.

It was a hot Minnesota summer,

and he had put up one of those
little stands on the sidewalk.

Selling lemonade.

Insurance.

And I bought a nickel
policy on my red wagon.

And right after that, my
wagon was destroyed.

How?

Some hogs trampled it.

I was hauling home a
smoked ham for Mama,

and I think it set them off.

Well, anyway, that's when
I fell in love with Charlie.

He paid for a new wagon...

even though my policy
didn't cover acts of swine.

"Acts of swine."

It's amazing. What's amazing?

Oh, I don't know.
A lot of things.

Like?

Like you. Hardly.

Like me. Definitely.

Like us.

These past three weeks
have been amazing.

They have been pretty amazing.

It's amazing that I just
made love in the daylight.

Why is that amazing?

Well, you can't hide
anything in the daytime.

At night, I could be
Godzilla, you'd be thrilled.

I'm thrilled, period.
Everything about you thrills me.

And that's amazing.

You know, every time
you tell me you love me,

I turn around to see
who you're talking to.

I can't believe it.

Believe it. I love you.

And everything that I used
to worry about in... you know,

I didn't worry about with you.

Like? Like...

Like, how do I look?
How do I sound?

Is my breath bad?

What's jiggling?

Well, let's see.

Oh, and you. You are amazing.

You are warm and
loving and caring

and smart and funny

and I don't have to wear
flats when I go out with you.

I have an idea. Let's
cut school tomorrow

and go to the Bahamas
and not leave our hotel room

until the board of
health threatens us.

I can't do it.

Forget the Bahamas.
How about dinner?

Dorothy, listen.

What?

I have to tell you
something. What?

What, what, what?

Oh, boy.

Oh, God.

I'm married.

What?

It's not a good
marriage, Dorothy.

It was over years ago.

I can't believe
this. You lied to me.

No, I didn't lie.
I'm telling you now.

I'm getting out of here.

No! Let go of me.

No, you've gotta listen.
Please, you have to listen to me.

Listen? Listen to
what, listen to what?

How your wife doesn't
understand you?

How you stayed
because of the children?

I did stay for the children.

My wife would've moved
them back to her home.

My kids would've been
clear across the country.

I couldn't bear to
lose them, so I stayed.

Your children are over 30.
You're still staying for them?

I couldn't leave her
because of all the things...

Oh, look, I don't
wanna hear about it.

Oh, my God, I'm storming
out to the bathroom.

Will you look at what we have?

We make each other
happy. You lied to me.

I couldn't lie to you.
That's why I told you.

Don't end this, Dorothy.

You mean everything to
me. It's over with my wife.

It's just hard to
walk out, is all.

Well, not for me, it isn't.

Hi, girls. Hi, Rose.

Oh, Blanche, remember
a few days ago

when I said your car was making
a funny kind of a noise sometimes?

Uh-huh.

Well, it's making
it all the time now.

Oh, it's nothing
serious, I'm sure.

And it started making
a wheezing, coughing,

rattling kind of a sound
every time it goes up a hill.

Uh-oh, that's a bad sign.

Those are the sounds
Tony Triano made

the night they wheeled him
out of the home on a gurney.

That car is in
terrific condition.

All right, sometimes it's a little
hard to turn over in the morning.

Tony Triano to a T.

Maybe I should have a
mechanic check it out.

Oh, Rose, wake up
and smell the coffee.

An auto mechanic is the
last person to take a car to.

They only make money if they tell
you there's something wrong with it.

Oh, that's a good point.

Boy, I wish I had a car to sell.

I'll get it.

Hello?

It's for Dorothy.
I think it's Glen.

That's the fourth
time he's called today.

Well, you know what
we're supposed to tell him.

Go on.

Hello? Dorothy's not home

and she's never
coming home again.

Now, don't call here anymore.

This is Rose. Who is this?

Mr. Yamamoto from
the school district?

Oh, Rose.

I'm so sorry. I thought
you were the man

Dorothy's having
the affair with.

I mean the man Dorothy
said is always so fair with... her.

Of course, I would
expect you to be fair.

And polite. And good at math.

I'm so glad you got
your own Disneyland.

Oh, ah, thank you.

Goodbye.

Dorothy, Dorothy?

Mr. Yamamoto just
called about a teaching job.

Oh, I'm not ready to
go back to work yet.

Are you depressed about Glen?

No, I'm depressed because
Phyllis George left the morning news.

Of course I'm
depressed about Glen.

I mean, for three weeks, he made
me the happiest woman in the world.

This past week without
him has just been miserable.

Well, at least you have the comfort
of knowing you did the right thing.

Then why do I feel so rotten?

Dorothy, he's married.
You have to forget him.

I can't just forget him!

Rose, come on. None of
us is a schoolgirl anymore.

Although, quite frankly, I am
sometimes mistaken for one.

Oh, please, Blanche.

As long as Glen and
Dorothy are realistic

and discreet about
their situation,

who are they really hurting?

No one. That's who.

Blanche, are you
condoning their behavior?

No, I'm just not
passing judgment.

Rose, sometimes life doesn't
work out the way we'd like it to.

Sometimes we have to just grab
our happiness where we can get it.

That's the same attitude that
broke up Debbie and Eddie.

Eddie and Liz, Liz and Dick,

Martin and Lewis.
Rowan and Martin...

Shut up.

Hello? Oh, hello, Glen.

Hang up on that bed-hopper.

Don't hang up on him.
That man cares for you.

Hop, hop. Go with your feelings.

Glen, I thought I told you
I don't want to talk to you.

That's right. If he
wants to talk or hop,

let him do it with his wife.

Don't deny your
passion. It's unnatural.

Look, Glen, you are making
this very difficult for me.

No, I will not change
my mind. Goodbye, Glen.

Oh, Dorothy, I'm proud of you.

You'll see, it's not
the end of the world.

No, just feels like it.

Oh, I hope I'm
doing the right thing.

Well, you are if
you really meant it

when you said you never
want to see him again.

Oh, come on. Let's start supper.

Come on. I'll be
with you in a minute.

Glen? Dorothy.

Yeah, I miss you. I
think we have to talk.

Yes, yes, Mr. Yamamoto, yes.

Fine, I'll see you there.

Oh, I'm so glad you're
going back to work.

Yeah, he was thrilled too.

Dorothy?

What is this, the
Spanish Inquisition?

Look, I don't have
to defend myself.

If I want to see
Glen, I'll see Glen.

You're seeing Glen? I
don't wanna hear about it.

Well, I don't
wanna talk about it.

Good night. Good night.

What are you doing up
so late? I was hungry.

I was making myself a
sandwich. Do you want one?

No, thanks. We
went out to dinner.

Oh, that's nice.

So you spent the
evening at dinner.

No, we spent dinner at dinner.

We spent the evening at a motel.

A motel? Dorothy!

A cheap, tawdry,
bare-bulb den of iniquity?

We didn't drive to Sodom
and Gomorrah, Rose.

It was a very pleasant
place over on Biscayne Bay.

I told you I didn't
wanna hear about it!

And I told you I didn't
wanna talk about it.

Good night. Good night.

Maybe I'll have something.

I was too nervous
to eat much at dinner.

But I suppose the rest of the
evening really built up an appetite.

Oh, hi.

I didn't expect to see
you girls up so late.

I'm just having a snack.

Dorothy's the one
having an affair at a motel.

Thank you, Rose.

I just want to keep
the record straight.

Besides, Blanche has
had experience in that area.

Maybe she can give
you some advice.

Oh, I certainly can.
In the first place,

never check in as
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Always check in as
Mr. and Mrs. Don Shula.

What?

That way, you always get
a complimentary fruit basket

and a bottle of champagne.

Good night.

Dorothy's seeing
Glen again. That's right.

And I don't need any
advice. I can handle it.

Dorothy, I had a third
cousin who ran around

with a married man for 15 years.

Are they still together?
Well, they would be,

but his wife shot
him in the b...

Boxer shorts.

And after that he just kind
of lost interest. Lost interest.

Evil is as evil does.

Oh, will you stop
being so judgmental!

This is a situation you
know nothing about!

At least Blanche
has been there before

and she knows what
I'm going through.

Well, not exactly.

Actually, I've never
been with a married man.

Get out of here!

No, it's true. I
just never figured

a relationship with a
married man was worthwhile.

Good for you, Blanche.

Well, I'm no fool. The
husband's always so guilty,

he ends up giving the really
expensive gifts to the wife.

Look, I didn't choose for
things to happen this way.

I tried to do the right thing,

but the right thing
was not right for me.

I'm in love.

And if there are sacrifices
that have to be made,

I can accept them.

I'm happy... and
that's what matters.

Hi, Ma.

So you started up with
your married man again.

How did you know?

I'm the Amazing Kreskin.

I was listening
outside the door.

Oh, Ma. Ohh!

I can't put my ear to the
door, but you can put your...

Ma!

I raised you to have
respect for yourself.

Not be somebody's floozy.

♪ Purple rain

Sophia! Sophia, where's Blanche?

I have to talk to
her about her car.

♪ Purple rain ♪

Oh, hi, Rose.

Blanche, about your car, I went
to the bank to get the money...

Honey, I can't
sell you that car.

But, Blanche...
Honey, I can't sleep

from all the worry and
guilt I have been suffering.

I wasn't totally
honest with you, Rose.

I told you that car was
in perfect condition.

Well, it's not. It's
a piece of junk.

It's the noisiest thing
to come out of Detroit

since Martha and the Vandellas.

When I went to trade it in, they only
offered me half the Blue Book price.

I need the whole amount
to put down on my new car,

so that's why I
tried to sell it to you.

But I can't go through with
it. I cannot sell you that car.

You can't sell it to
anyone. Somebody stole it.

What?

Somebody stole Blanche's...
Well, very nice, Rose!

I lend you a perfectly
fine automobile,

no strings attached,

and you let some
thief drive off in it.

Rose Nylund, I will
never forgive you!

Wasn't it insured? They'll
pay you full Blue Book.

All is forgiven.

I'm gonna go call the
car dealer right now

and tell him he made a sale.

Blanche, was the gist of
what you were saying before,

that you intended to cheat me?

Cheat you?

Rose, you just analyze
everything to death.

Ma, where are my shoes?

Another date with
Mrs. O'Brien's husband?

Now, look, don't
you start with me.

I will continue to see
Glen for as long as I please.

Is he gonna leave his wife?

Ma... Ma, for the first
time in a long time,

I am really happy. So
please leave me alone.

If you're so happy, how come
I hear you pacing in your room

night after night?

I can't sleep. I have
a lot on my mind.

I'll tell you what's
on your mind.

You hate yourself. I do not.

My mistake.

I've only known you since
the day you were born.

Look, I've heard enough, Ma.
I'm leaving now to meet Glen

and have a perfectly
marvelous time.

I hope he's taking you bowling.

Bowling? Yeah, you
could rent shoes there.

There!

Sweetheart, if you want
to grab some dinner,

we'll have to take
separate cars.

I'm gonna have to leave for
home right from the restaurant.

Glen, forget dinner.
We need to talk.

Um... things aren't
working out anymore,

and I don't know what to
do to make them any better.

You can't leave your wife,

and I'm not cut out to
be the other woman.

Dorothy, you know I love you.

I know that. But
it's not enough.

I don't wanna lose you.

I don't wanna lose you
either. That's why I came back.

I thought you understood, I
can't break up my marriage!

Not now, not at
this stage of my life.

If things didn't work out
between you and me,

I'd be alone.

That kind of risk is
fine when you're 40,

but I couldn't do it today.
I'm too old for that, Dorothy.

Glen, the risk shouldn't
scare you at any age.

And at any age, the loving
would make it worthwhile.

You want a safe, easy,
comfortable home life

and a romance and
excitement on the side,

and it's not for me.

Dorothy, please think about
what you're throwing away.

If I stay, I am throwing
away my future.

Now I'll go home.

I'll hurt.

But after awhile,
I'll feel better

and I'll go on with my life.

If I continue this,
I'll end up alone,

and I care too much about
myself to let that happen.

Dorothy, I love you.

I love you too.

Goodbye.

Hi, Ma.

You're home early.

I broke up with Glen.

I told him I couldn't
see him anymore.

I'm sorry.

I thought you'd be happy.

You want me to be happy?
Help me put away the dishes.

You still angry with me?

I was never really
angry. I was worried.

I don't like seeing you in pain.

You still angry with me?

What for?

For trying to stop your
daughter from making a mistake?

Somebody has to.

You kids get to be middle-aged,
you think you know everything.

I don't care what you
say, you were speeding.

I tell you that is not why that
highway patrolman was following us.

Oh, Blanche, please!

Dorothy? Oh, I
thought you were out.

No, we ended the evening early.

You and Glen have
a disagreement?

Yeah, he thinks he
should stay married.

You mean it's over?

Look, we just came
back to pick Sophia up.

Blanche got her new car.

Yeah, and we're all gonna
pile in and go cruising.

Do you want to go with us?

No, I think I'll just
stay home tonight.

I feel, you know...

like, you know, just sitting.

Me too. I think I'll
have a cup of tea.

Yeah, it's kind of
late. I'm a little tired.

I think I'll just stick around.

Oh, what the heck. That
car'll still be there tomorrow.

Boy, this is depressing!

Girls, let's go cruising.

I know a place where guys
wrestle naked in the mud.