The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Bevy's Big Murder Mystery Party - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I loved a good mystery,

whether it was UFOs
or who shot J.R.,

the Bermuda Triangle,
or what was in New Coke.

So it was no mystery
that I loved the movie Clue.

I was so obsessed,
I even took my own mom to go see it.

I loved it.

Was it the mystery?

The crime most foul?
The snooty butler?

It was the swanky party. Wha?

All those people
dressed to the nines

and eating fancy foods
and discussing nonsense.



That is my dream.

But I think the nonsense they were
discussing was a murder of a colleague.

How fun would that be,

solving the brutal
stabbing of a good friend?

I guess you could throw your
own murder-mystery party.

Yes! And it'll be the
social event of the year

and every year
after that until I die

and my friends gather
to solve that crime.

I'll script the whole thing!

It'll be a night full of danger,

dialogue, and distrust!

Can you guys keep it down?
I'm watching Dukes of Hazzard.

Dad, we're planning a
murder-mystery party. It's gonna be fun.

Fun? N-No thank you.



Look at me. We're doing this.

Look at me. Over my dead body.

Yes! He can be the dead body.

Sounds like too much work.

This is the perfect
amount of work for you.

You just have to exist.

'Cause movement of
any kind is a deal breaker.

I'll murder you
quick. I promise.

Fine. Yay! Murray's kinda in.

A Goldbergs
murder-mystery party.

How have we not done this?

Yay!

** I'm twisted up inside

** But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

** I don't know the future

** But the past keeps
getting clearer every day **

ADULT ADAM: It was January 13th,
1980-something,

and Erica was about to
get a major reality check.

Ms. Goldberg.
(SIGHS) Any idea why

I've called you into
the dean's office?

You want to put me
on your famous list?

Is there, like, a cash prize,

or is it just something

worthless like honor?

Weirdly, the Dean's List is
not generated by the dean

but a provost...

Can we just get to it?

I have a puppetry class in ten.

Well, that's why we're here.

It seems you haven't
declared a major yet.

But I'm only a sophomore.

Can't I just keep
sampling classes

until something
strikes my fancy?

That depends. Are you a member

of the well-heeled
patrician class

where money is no object?

My dad's had the same
three pairs of pants

since I've known him,
so not so much.

Well,
I think you should pick now.

Your major affects
your internships,

which turn into jobs,
which turn into a good life.

(CHUCKLES) Or not.

Some people are just unhappy.

Are you one of those people?

My depression is seasonal.

Okay, go. (CHUCKLES)

Pick a major!

Hey, oceanography.

Bing, bang, boom.

My life path is settled!

But you hate the ocean.

You said it's God's toilet.

Fair.

Computer science.

Hello, future. It's me,
Erica. Let's do this.

You're really gonna
program computers?

Is that what that means?

Damn it! Why is this so hard?

I mean, who actually knows

what they want to do
with their life at this age?

This handsome devil right here.

Barry, I don't wanna hear it.

So you are aware

that I'm a bio major

with a pre-med concentration...

Oh, you're gonna be a doctor?

I got worried because

you hadn't said
it in six seconds.

How dare you? I
have never mentioned

my career in the
life-saving arts.

I shall be a doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Brain doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor Tasty's
ready to save lives.

No one cares. Dr. Milgrom does.

He gave me an
internship this summer.

Well,
have fun mopping up bodily fluids

while Geoff and I hit the beach.

Uh, actually,
I'm interning, too.

What? But you're a freshman!

You seem upset.
I'll just cancel it.

Point is, "Undeclared-ica,"

you either know what you
want to do with your life, me,

or you float around
like a turd in a toilet, you.

I'm not a turd. (CHUCKLES)

Said the turd.

Don't listen to him, babe.

You're not a turd.
Turds can't talk.

When you defend me, it's worse.

It was a tough area.

ADULT ADAM: As
Erica was spinning out,

our murder-mystery
party was revving up.

Places, everyone!

The suspects are arriving soon.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Is there anything better
than opening night?

Yes, the end of the night,

when we close the door.

Dad,
where's the rest of your costume?

I came up with some new

backstory for my character.

He doesn't care.

But I do.

Put some cloth between
my eyes and that.

I don't take notes.

Murray,
your murder kicks off the entire night.

Put these on now.

What I do for you people.

(DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi. We're here for the murder.

Ha! That's not
something people say.

Good evening.

Bitterfrost the Butler at your service,
sir.

And so cute in your
little-boy tuxedo,

just like Fred
Savage at the Emmys.

I know not of what you speak,
ma'am.

I was born to a scullery maid.

Ooh! He is not
breaking character.

So fun! And possibly annoying.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Madame Topaz,
an elegant Parisian

with impeccable
class and dignity.

Murray,
put your (BLEEP) pants on!

(DOORBELL RINGS) We're here.

I brought mushroom caps.

I'm Lady Alabaster.

And I'm Kitchen Helper
Number One. No name given.

Well, remember, Essie, it's better
for the help to be seen and not heard.

You invited me.

Oh. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello,
new friends. I'm John Glascott.

I hate to come empty-handed,

so please enjoy these
homemade crab cakes.

Fun!

The secret is to only use claw.

(CHUCKLES)

You invited my
guidance counselor?

I ran into him at the market.

He saw all the
alcohol in my basket

and asked if we
were having a party.

So? Tell him
you're an alcoholic!

He'd believe it
with kids like us!

Sorry to interrupt, Boy Butler,

but I'm not familiar with
murder-mystery parties.

What the hell is all this?

We would like all our guests

to please refer
to their dossiers.

"Captain Eggnog.

"A war profiteer with
a monocle and pipe."

I-I didn't have
any of that stuff.

I'm Mr. Pistachio,
"a career diplomat

"who should wear a
green blazer if you have it."

(CHUCKLES) Well,
lucky for you, this is one of nine.

I'm Miss Cabernet,

"a bombshell babe
in a yowza dress."

(CHUCKLES) How flattering.

And accurate.

Wait. Adam, did you write that?

Assigned randomly.

I'm Linda the housekeeper.

And that's my name.

And I am "foreign"?

That's it? To the dining room!

ADULT ADAM: While our
murder-mystery party was getting under way,

Erica felt underwater
picking a major.

I want to thank you
for this lovely spread

of loose jelly beans
and sink water.

Hey,
you're my number-one grandpa.

And I need your help
choosing a college major.

Honey,
I get it. It's a big decision.

Maybe art history?

Damn it! Why was that
so easy for stupid Barry?

He gets to be a doctor who
makes a crap-ton of money

and drives a convertible with
vanity plates that say "Dr. Big Tasty."

You shouldn't compare
yourself to Barry.

You two are very different!

Yeah, he's gonna live in
an apartment over the park

while I'm stuck in an
equally luxurious place

because my husband's a doctor,
but it's not the same.

Look, hon,
you can do anything you want

if you put your mind to it.

Maybe art history?

You're right. I could totally be a doctor,
too.

But until this moment,

you never once expressed
an interest in medicine.

Oh, thank you, Pops.

It might be time to stop emotionally
investing in my grandchildren.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
my sister had made up her mind.

She was gonna be a doctor.
Which was news to Barry.

Goldberg? Here.

Also here. Erica?

Surprise,
I'm gonna be a doctor, too.

What? No, you're not.

There's only one Dr. Goldberg

in this class and on the planet.

Oh,
you really don't have a grasp

of who makes up the
medical community.

But you should be happy.

We're going on this
journey together!

You're not a doctor!

At best,
you're one of those pharmaceutical reps

who pushes allergy
meds in a pencil skirt!

Whatever. This isn't
about you anyway.

It's about me helping gross,
sick people

and having a dope-ass beeper.

But what kind of doctor
would you even be?

Obviously not the kind

that deals with your
downstairs or backside business.

And nothing with
the mouth or ears.

And, of course,
the middle is off the table.

That's the entire body.

I didn't rule out shins.

I'll be a "shin-ologist."
Look at me go.

Welcome to human
anatomy. Look around.

Half of you will fail,

a quarter will go
on to med school,

and one will kill a man
through gross malpractice.

She's talking about you.

Hey,
malpractice makes "malperfect."

ADULT ADAM: It was game
on between Erica and Barry.

Meanwhile,
our murder-mystery party was taking off.

Oh, oh, oh. That's crab, Billy.

You're highly allergic.

Blazes. I love that
sweet sea meat,

but I love breathing more. Good catch,
babe.

One clam almost ruined
our whole trip to Myrtle Beach.

That was a nasty rash.

Oh, I've been there. (CHUCKLES)

Myrtle Beach,
not the rash business.

I love poppin' off my top. Oh.

Salty air on my flesh

while I proudly strut
down the boardwalk.

(CHUCKLES)

Again, I'm John.

Ooh, try my mushroom caps, Bill.

Try 'em. No seafood.

And if you're allergic to flavor,
you're still okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

are you aware of the
bond you share tonight?

We're all open to
new friendships?

Uh-uh. You are
all about to embark

on a two-hour grand mystery full of
scripted twists and turns, ending in...

Murder! (ALL GASPING,
EXCLAIMING)

Murder! Your weapons are served.

Speaking of, did,
uh, Bill kill me yet?

Murray! I'm sorry.

Has Dr. Prune killed me?

No, you just blew the ending!

Well, maybe nobody heard me.

I've heard every sound that's
come out of your body tonight.

It's okay. We still don't know

where Dr. Prune
killed him or with what.

There ya go. We'll just forget
the basement and pick a new spot.

Stop talking! Yeah,
don't even need to use the ice skate.

Oh, my God!

So it was Dr. Prune in the
basement with the ice skate.

Well, that was a fun evening.
Can I drop anyone off?

Sure.

Damn it to hell, Murray!

All you had to do was
lay there and play dead,

but instead,
you ruined the night!

All right, I-I'm sorry.

Wait. I can fix
it! He can fix it.

ADULT ADAM: Yep. All I had to do

was rewrite my entire
mystery from scratch.

Just got to boot this up.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Takes a few seconds. Or minutes.

Yes! Okay,
just need to pop in the old diskette.

Yeah,
this wasn't happening anytime soon.

Oop. This one's full.
Let me find a fresh one!

(ALL GASP,
SCREAM) (GLASS SHATTERS)

(GROANS) No!

There's crab cake
in this mushroom cap!

Stand back! I'm
an ophthalmologist!

Anybody else? Preferably
not a guy who sells Ray-Bans.

(GROANS)

Oh, it passed.

Now it's just mild discomfort,
but what a ride.

You know what this means?

Someone in this
house is a murderer.

But I'm still alive.

Attempted murderer.

It's just a scratchy throat.

Well,
somebody's guilty of something.

The mystery's back on!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Great! 'Cause this
thing is still warming up.

ADULT ADAM: Bill
Lewis was crabbed!

My mom's big
murder-mystery party

had gotten something even
better... A real almost murder.

Can you believe it?

Someone tried to kill
Bill. This is the best!

Not for Bill!

He's still a little splotchy
around the tummy and neck.

Only the woman that loves me

would want to study
my nooks and crannies.

Or maybe it's an act to
throw us off her scent.

Clearly, Dolores crabbed you

to collect on your
ample life insurance.

Please. She's the breadwinner.

If anything, I'd crab her. Aw!

Not to rain on this
strange parade,

but maybe my good friend Bill

grabbed a crab cake by mistake.

That makes sense,
except for the friend part.

I haven't said two words to you.

Well, now you have.

Get on in here. I'm a hugger.

Not so fast on that hug!

You're the one who
brought the deadly shellfish.

But I wouldn't hurt a soul.

You did crack open those
crabs and rip their legs off.

Sure,
but they're ugly bottom-feeders.

They don't have souls.
They don't feel love.

There is no crab heaven.

Well, I'm in crab heaven.

Was there a sauce
that came with these?

What about Lou? We all saw the way he
ogled Dolores in her Miss Cabernet dress.

Lou? Is that true?

She's a handsome
lady. I enjoy her shape.

This night has been
great for my self-esteem.

But would someone
really kill Mr. Lewis

over his new bride's
athletic frame?

Well, on that note, I'm leaving.

Why? Are you running
from something?

Perhaps a murder?

Please.

What reason would I
have to gently crab Bill?

I don't know. Perhaps
you've had it out for him

ever since he installed that
hideous tile in your powder room.

(GASPS) It's not hideous!

It's terracotta! Everyone
loves terracotta!

They really don't.
It's a trash tile.

You've gone too far.

Wait! "U R NEX."

An ominous and
unfinished warning!

Well,
it couldn't have been Ginzy.

She'd never ruin
her own crappy coat.

Then who's the
criminal mastermind?

(THUNDER CRASHES)

♪**♪

ADULT ADAM: While
our plot thickened,

Erica was in the
thick of studying.

Why would anyone need to know

all eleven bones
in the human foot?

They wouldn't,
dum-dum. There's twenty-six.

Oh,
really? And you can name them?

Every metatarsal.

See,
I write raps to help the material stick.

Please don't rap.
And he's rapping.

(RAPPING) ** Yo, the human foot,
yeah It's full of bones

** You got the helix The
tarsal And the hammer toe

** Ya stand on your
foot And it don't give out

** The bones of the
foot's What I'm all about **

Don't get a bunion, y'all!

Wow. Both dumb and useless.

Okay, please,
let's all just try to remember

that we're friends and family

and we should
support each other.

Opposite. I will dominate
and embarrass her

into not only not
becoming a doctor

but never seeking
medical attention in her life.

Well, when I become a doc,
I'll name a skin disease after you.

"I'm sorry, ma'am,
you have Barry-tigo.

"It's hideous and incurable."

When you fail,
I will make you my nurse.

Why would she take
a job as your nurse?

It's the only job in medicine
she'll be able to get.

I'm off to rap-study.

That's not a thing.

We shall see when
I use all twenty-six

bones in my foot to defeat you.

Hi-yah! Doctor kick.

Um,
I'm not sure what a doctor kick is,

but you should
probably study harder.

Oh, believe me, I will.

I will.

C-plus? Crappity,
crap, crap, crap!

"A," baby!

(CHUCKLES) Nice work,
Mr. Goldberg!

Thank you. Your teaching
literally saves lives.

Excuse me,
Professor? I think you messed up.

See, there was a bunch of
stuff on the test I didn't know,

so what are you
gonna do to correct this?

I do have one idea.
For next week's lab,

I'm gonna pair you
with a stronger student.

Your brother. What? No.

Oh, yes,
and I have so much to teach you.

There you go.

Lesson one.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Write that down.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
couldn't have felt smaller,

the criminal mastermind
remained at large.

Okay, here's what we know.

Bill was crabbed in the den,

and Ginzy's beautiful
coat... (IMITATES BUZZER)

...was bedazzled in the foyer.

And every guest had
the time of their life!

I did it! I'm the Jackie
O. Of Jenkintown!

This fake murder
thing still happening?

No thanks to you,
but the evening has taken a welcome turn.

There's a monster among us.

Monster. Wait a second.

That's it. Beverly did it!
(THUNDER CRASHES)

Essie, I swear to God, if we ever do
this again, you're eating in the kitchen.

Think about it. Who among us benefits
the most from this evening continuing?

Beverly.

You were probably jealous that Dolores
showed you up in that smokin' dress.

Okay,
wait a minute. You really think I did this?

You did desperately
want the night to work out.

And when it didn't,
you poisoned me?

And ruined my coat.

Bedazzling is one of
your signature activities.

You all think I
did it? Definitely!

It makes sense. Hey, after this,

who wants to go to Dairy
Queen for Blizzards and gossip?

Dad,
they're turning on your wife.

Hey,
just want to say thanks for coming,

and this'll count as my goodbye

so I don't have to
say it individually.

To the DQ! (THUNDER CRASHES)

Murray,
this is all your fault. Me? What did I do?

You gave away the
entire fake mystery

and didn't participate
in the real one.

And for some reason,
you took a bath and put a robe on.

What was I supposed to do?

Anything.

This night meant a lot to me.

We haven't had a
dinner party in a long time,

and I thought it would be a fun,
new tradition,

but shame on me for thinking

that you would want to
be a part of something.

As I leave,
I should mention that your robe is ajar.

ADULT ADAM: While my
mom's night was ruined,

Erica was jumping in with
both feet... Or at least one.

In front of each station
is a real human foot.

You and your partner
will be dissecting it

and identifying the bones,
muscles, and tendons.

Good luck.

Okay. Here's how
this is gonna go.

You do nothing,
and we both get the "A" I deserve.

No way. I got this. I'm ready.

(SIGHS)

Whoa. That's,
like, the real thing.

So lithe and elegant.

Probably a ballerina.

Don't make it a person.

(RETCHES) Oh,
God. That's the inside of a foot.

Okay,
just back off. It's not my fault

you don't know what you
want to do with your life.

Of course I know. I want to be

(RETCHING) a-a doc... A doc...

Toes. There's so many toes.

You can't even say
"doctor"? Pathetic.

That's because I don't say,
I do! Now gimme the foot!

No,
stop! You're making the foot dance!

It's hilarious,
but not the time!

(GRUNTS) Aah!

Aah! The foot touched my foot!

No, don't kick it! Just pick it up,
pick it up!

I'll just cover it
with this bucket.

No, it's not a spider!
It's a dead lady's kicker!

Okay. There. Step
away from the foot.

Both of you leave my class now,
and don't come back.

You did this.

It's one thing to
be competitive,

but it's another to ruin the
one thing I always wanted.

Thanks a lot, Erica.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's
murder-mystery party had gone bust,

but every good murder
mystery has a twist.

Everyone, stop!

I figured out who crabbed
Bill and bedazzled Ginzy!

Adam, it's over.

Not yet. You're all
gonna want to see this.

Our criminal mastermind is...

Me? What are you talking
about? I don't do things.

And yet you did.

(AS BUTLER) In order to help
you understand what happened,

I shall need to take you through the
events of the evening step by step.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) First,
everyone showed up,

and Mrs. Schwartz was
hurtful when she said,

(IMITATING LINDA) "You look
like Fred Savage at the Emmys."

I don't think I
said it like that.

And Mr. Lewis was all,

(IMITATING BILL) "Jimminy
Criminy! We're here for the murder!"

Kid's a regular Rich Little.

Then Virginia arrived with
her deadly mushroom cups.

They weren't deadly.
They were a hit.

Well,
I think the whole evening was delicious.

Just to reiterate,
my first name is John.

Then Dad ruined the game
'cause he wasn't paying attention.

No one could tell,
but he felt bad!

Your father doesn't feel regret.

Or shame or modesty or
common social decency.

Not typically, but tonight, he wanted
to fix things and didn't know how.

He did know Bill
had a mild allergy,

so he killed the lights...

(ALL GASP, EXCLAIM)

...and smashed a light bulb

for dramatic effect!
(GLASS SHATTERS)

Under cover of darkness,
he grabbed a crab cake

and jammed it into
a mushroom cap.

Bill took a bite and went down.

(GROANS)

I suppose that makes some sense,
but what about my coat?

Simple. While we
were all busy bickering...

"Your tile's hideous."
"There's no crab heaven."

"I enjoy her shape"...

That gave Dad time to find the
closest thing he could to a weapon...

Mom's bedazzling gun.

(GASPS) Murray.

Is that true?

What gave me away?
(THUNDER CRASHES)

The mid-party bath.

You were so overheated
by frolicking amok,

committing heinous acts,
you had to cool your body down.

Murray,
you could've seriously hurt Bill.

Nah, I saw him accidentally eat
some popcorn shrimp at a Sixers game.

I figured it was worth it.

For fun like that, you can play
fast and loose with my life anytime.

Wait. Y-You all had a good time?

Big time. So much.

I need all your numbers.
My coat is still ruined.

But why? Why did you do this?

I guess I just felt bad that I
screwed up your big night.

That is the sweetest thing
you have ever done for me.

Really?

(WRECKLESS ERIC'S WHOLE
WIDE WORLD PLAYING)

ADULT ADAM: For
the ones you love,

you got to step out
of your comfort zone,

even when all you can do
is own up to your mistakes.

You okay, kiddo?

No.

I screwed up college again.

I'm not pre-med.
I'm not pre-anything.

Mm. That's okay.

You'll figure it out.

What if I don't?

I already went down one
wrong path with music.

What if it happens again?

It might.

Well,
that's not comforting at all.

Life's full of a million paths.

I'm still trying out
new ones myself.

Really?

Sure.

Your major doesn't matter.

What matters is your passion,

and that, you got tons of.

I guess.

I know.

And you should
probably use some of it

to fix what happened
with your brother.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,

Erica realized what Pops
had been trying to say all along.

There was one way
only she could help Barry.

Please. I need this class.

Mr. Goldberg,
I've made up my mind.

Reconsider. I'm sorry?

Exhibit A, Barry's last test...

The highest grade
in the entire class.

Exhibit B,
a letter from Dr. Milgrom

certifying Barry's
internship this summer.

And Exhibit C, Barry's time card

from Abbington Memorial,
where he volunteers.

What's your point? My point is,

Barry's always
wanted to be a doctor,

and he's gonna be
a damn good one.

Are you really gonna take his future
from him because of my screw-up?

Wow. You advocated
for your brother

better than he
could for himself.

I wrote an apology rap.

Yeah,
which I don't want to hear again.

You're back in.
Now please leave.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out the best
way to figure out what's right for you

is by seeing
strengths in others.

Erica, wait.

Thank you.

It's the least I could do,

since I almost ruined your
life over a severed foot.

Well, I appreciate it.

Did you ever consider
being a lawyer?

Not really.

Well, you should, because you
were really impressive back there.

I kind of was, wasn't I?

Truly.

And whatever it is
you do decide to do,

I-I know you'll
be awesome at it.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
life can be one giant mystery,

and it's not easy to solve,

but you might be
surprised where you end up,

like being clued in to your
loved one's favorite movie,

or even pursuing a path in
life you hadn't considered.

In the end,
if you keep exploring your passion

and following your gut,
one thing becomes clear...

You'll find yourself exactly
where you should be,

ready to take on the whole,
wide world.

** Yeah! **

(BELL DINGS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

GLASCOTT: There he is!

My murder-mystery buddy!

We fraternize
outside these walls.

(LAUGHTER) Please keep it down.

I already have a
precarious social dynamic

that doesn't need
"teacher's friend"

added to the mix.

So, did anyone ask about me?

Um, Ginzy? Lou?

That sassy Bill?

I haven't spoken to
my parents' friends

about anything because
I'm in high school

and they're old.

Good times.

So, when is the next evening

of merriment and laughter?

I'm just gonna write down
Mrs. Kremp's phone number

because it's the
only one I know.

Finally. (CHUCKLES)

867-5...

Eh, this is from a song!