The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Bill's Wedding - full transcript

Bill is getting married and Beverly and Jane have only 24 hours to plan it; a fortune teller at the wedding reception could change the future for Adam, Erica and Barry's romantic life.

Back in the '80s,

my family had plenty of
missteps when it came to love.

But for one magic moment,

it seemed like the gods of love
were smiling on all of us.

I was with Brea, Barry had Ren,

and Erica and Geoff
were as strong as ever.

Even my dad's friend Bill Lewis
had found someone.

My angel, Dolores,
I promise to cherish you,

and to listen to you
recount your dreams

no matter how dumb they are,

and to smile when I eat
what you call a taco salad.

Why would you toss a pear
in there?

This is a courthouse.

We don't have time for vows.

Is your witness here?
Mur‐man, you're up.

And I gotta tell you, I'm ready,

except I'm not putting my hand
on a Bible.

I just need your signature.

Nobody sign a damn thing!

Oh, no.
She found us. How?

This morning Murray says
he's going out for a walk,

and naturally I assumed
he's terminally ill

or having an affair,

so I followed him.

A walk, Murray?

That's a lie as lazy
as the man who told it.

And how dare the two of you
try to sneak off and elope?!

I'm sorry. Is this any
of your business?

Silly Dolores.

Bill is my husband's
best friend,

which makes him my best friend,

which makes this all about me.

That does not track.

Which is why we didn't
tell you about it.

We knew you'd want
to take over the wedding

and do something crazy.

All I wanted to do

was throw them a grand wedding
for the ages.

I just need six months

and a quarter
of a million dollars.

We leave for Tahiti on Sunday.

Challenge accepted.
The wedding is tomorrow!

Please, Bill, just say "I do"
and sign the paper.

Then she can't touch us.

Dolores, your wedding day

is the most important day
of your life.

Murray and I
will never forget ours.

Yeah, it was
the dead of winter.
July 3rd.

There was a chill
in the air.
The cake melted.

The slide show of my mind.

You could have what we have.

Ooh, and we'll have it
in the backyard.

But nobody uses
the john in the house

'cause we got bushes.

That's both a kind
and wildly ungenerous offer.

But no one can plan
an entire wedding in a day.

Watch me.


That was my birth certificate.

Life‐changing news, everyone.

We're going on safari!

And I'm gonna walk across
some rocks on a river

only to realize they're hippos.

I have no information,

but I'm positive
that's all wrong.

In the next 24 hours,

you all are gonna help me
plan a wedding.

Zero chance.

No, thanks.
In Africa?

You have no choice!

And it's gonna be a ridiculous,

This is gonna be a disaster,
so I'm bringing Ren.

She's a foxy wildcard

that'll lighten up
this snooze‐fest.

If he's bringing Ren,
then I'm bringing Brea.

No guests.
They cost money.

But it's a wedding,

and I'm obviously
bringing Geoff.

This isn't because your father
doesn't know my name.

It's just weddings get me going.

You know, the bride
in the dress of her dreams,

the promise of forever,

the dad in the wheelchair
who's standing up

just for that last little
walk down the aisle.

This is who you want to bring?

Everyone's invited, Murray.

Even hysterical Geoff.

Who's getting married, again?

Your dad's friend Bill
and some rando.

Oh, it's gonna be so much fun!

Ooh, it's like
we're all getting married.

Don't forget me!

It was November 4th,

and my mom was attempting
to do the impossible ‐‐

plan an entire wedding
with less than 24‐hours notice.

We got here as soon as we could.

What happened to Murray?

Did he take a header
down the stairs

because his feet are so swollen?

Are his injuries consistent
with blunt‐force trauma

and you have a rock‐solid alibi,

but we know in our hearts
it was you?


He's barely helping me
throw a wedding by tomorrow.

Dang it, Beverly!

I had a tennis lesson with Lars.


Good. Channel that weird,
middle‐aged energy into this.

Ginzy, I need enough flowers
for a presidential funeral.

Linda, I need you
to cater a meal

for a hundred picky eaters.


prove yourself useful.

I once went to a wedding
that had a really fun psychic.

Oh, she was a hoot.

Did she predict how useless
you'd be in this moment?


Of course, my mom didn't account

for her rival yenta,

who could smell a wedding
being planned

from a mile away.

Jane Bales.

To what do I owe
this displeasure?

I just popped over

because I heard
you were planning a wedding.

Based on the interior
of your home,

I wanted to stop you.

You will plan this wedding
over my dead body.

I introduced Bill and Dolores.

I don't want you
screwing this up.

Please. I am
the best party planner

in Montgomery County,
Southern New Jersey,

and the entire Eastern seaboard
south of Delaware.

Well, that's impossible
because I am.

And the rest of the U. S.
And Puerto Rico and Guam.

I once threw myself
a baby shower

while I was giving birth.

I threw a quinceañera
for a 50‐year‐old white guy.

It was super weird,
but it was his day.

I once threw
a Cinco de Mayo party

on Ocho de Octubre.

I threw a surprise party
for myself,

and I had no idea.

Thanks, but no, thanks.
I have it covered.

What have you done so far?

Just this.

Well, it's been three minutes.
Why don't I see results?

Because you ask too much of us?

Wrong answer, Ginzy!

Now move your puckered poopers
outta here

and come back with a wedding!

Well, at least you're working on
your best‐man speech.

No, I'm writing
a very angry letter

to the moron who almost parked
in front of our driveway.

Dammit, Murray! You only have
two responsibilities!

Our kids?
We have three kids.

I'm talking about the wedding.

You have to write
your best‐man speech

and get chairs.

Got it. Chicken fingers.

Let me give you
a little piece of advice ‐‐

If you want something
done right,

you do it yourself.

While my dad
dodged his wedding duties,

we got hit with
a long list of chores.

I can't believe Mom
would actually ask us

to do manual labor.

What even is this thing?

My God, you know nothing.
It's called a yard fork.

Now it's a Kenpo
thrusting lance!

Hello, rambunctious children.

I am here for the wedding.

Am I in the right place?

Sweet "Witches of Eastwick"!
It's Karen English,

one of Philadelphia's
more popular radio occultists.

You might recognize
this side of my face

from various
vandalized bench ads.

Tell us, enchantress,

what greatness
is in store for me?

The spirits are telling me ‐‐


Ooh, but I am registering

a negative
romantic complication.

There is a couple here
who will not last the night.

Someone's getting murdered?


But there is a romantic
relationship in peril.

Well, it's not mine.

My boyfriend is so loving
and devoted,

even though he just
recently chose to move out.

I see.

And Brea and I
are solid as a rock ‐‐

if half the rock
was super attractive

and the other half
was wildly insecure.


Karen English thinks
your love is garbage.

Well, what about you

and your unlikely partnership
with Ren?

I agree.
Ren is a ten.

But, as you all can see,
I'm an eleven.

Together, we are blackjack.

All I know is that someone
is doomed here tonight.

A reckoning is coming.

I am never wrong.

Is there a trick with this?

just jiggle the thingy.
I am jiggling it.

Jiggle it harder.
Yeah, you gotta give the thing
a good jiggle.

I'm jiggling the thingy!

Yeah, just a little ‐‐

I got it.

I'm never wrong.

I'm never wrong.

As Karen English had us
worried about a break‐up,

my mom was trying to keep
the wedding from falling apart.

What the hell is this?

An elegant centerpiece
of tulips and begonias.

You expect someone
to look at this

and feel anything but sick?

Maybe whimsy?

Beverly, I do think

you're pushing us
a little hard here.

I already made
350 cucumber sandwiches.

I think that's enough.

Yeah, and I agreed
to iron napkins,

not whatever these are.

Those are
Murray's formal intimates,

and you will put that iron
wherever I tell you to.

Now, getting rid of all this.

We're gonna start over.

I am done.

Good! 'Cause despite
your mediocre efforts,

you've really set me back.

I'm right behind you, Linda.

I can't believe
I wasted my morning

creasing your husband's
butt rags.

And I said some hateful words
in the bathroom to myself,

so I need to go apologize
to my children.

Well, good riddance!

I'll just draw a frown
on a sack of flour

to replace you!


Too bad your friends are gone

'cause I got one
for the win column.

I got us chairs.

Oh, I knew you'd come through.

Daddy does it again.

So now that I've done my part,

I'm gonna go to my natural
surroundings of the den.

Uh, wait, Murray.

What am I looking at?

That's one of one hundred
premium wedding chairs.

This chair is for a child.

Nah. It's perfect.

Well, if it's so perfect,
why don't you sit down.

Because I prefer to stand.

I like being on the balls
of my feet,

ready to pounce.


There you go.

Well, that's, uh ‐‐
that's quite comfortable.

I like being so close
to my knees.

You can sit that way
through the whole ceremony?

I'm in a great deal of pain.

Dammit, Murray, you failed me,
like everyone else!

What am I supposed to do now?!

I'm gonna tell you
what I tell our kids.

There's nothing wrong
with quitting.

I'll take care of the chairs.

You just go and finish writing
your best‐man speech.

Hey, don't worry.
I'm gonna wing it.

My mom's party crew
was crumbling.

She knew there was
only one yenta

who could help her get
this wedding back on track.

I ‐‐

Failed miserably

and inevitably had
to come to me for help?

It's just ‐‐
You couldn't pull off
a one‐day wedding by yourself

and you needed me all along?

That's ‐‐ True.

And admitting your mistake
is the first step

in the lengthy apology
you owe me.

Well, save it.

We have a wedding to throw.

Come on.

As my mom and Jane Bales
joined forces,

the strength of our bonds
was about to be tested.

Hey, guys.
You ready?

Almost. Let me just touch up
my lipstick.

Because I smooched it off.

I'll never get used to it.

Geoff, you got
some extremely personal mail

that I obviously opened.


You got into the study‐abroad
program in Spain.

Oh, my God, really?!

The Spanish are awesome.

They eat dinner at midnight,
fight bulls for fun,

and even their babies
kiss hello.

Wait, you're just gonna jet off

to a faraway land of fancy ham
and flamenco dancing?

Oh, I‐I mean, it's totally
not gonna happen.

It was just a lark.

A lark that totally panned out
in the most amazing way,

but it's not happening.

Geoff, look at me.

You have to go.

Wait. You really
want me to go?

It's Spain!

Or, as they call it, España.

Es‐pa‐ña! Huh?

Are we starting a chant or what?

I don't think so.

Madrid, Barcelona, Ibiza.

You know your places.

I'm gonna start the car.

But you can't drive to Spain!

It's across a whole ocean!

- Damn it.
- Holy crap.

That mind witch was right.

You and Geoff are dunzo.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

It's someone else.

Brea can't come to the wedding.

She's going to
her grandma's 70th in Hartford.

Should I be worried?

Hot dog, yes!
Very worried.

I thought you were gonna
gently reassure me

I was being crazy.

Do you know anything about
senior birthdays in Connecticut?

Super sexy.

That's why it's called
the Romance State.

I think it's the Nutmeg State.

You're thinking,
but I'm knowing.

Once you cross state lines,
anything goes.

But they're just going
to the Holiday Inn.

They have pools.

Pools have boys.
Boys meet Brea.

Brea go bye‐bye.

Oh, God!
There is a pool!

And a free New York Times
every morning!

That's what I'm saying.

They really know
how to set a table for love.

Are we good to go?

We are.
Them? Not so much.

My mom had gotten
exactly what she needed

to pull off a one‐day wedding ‐‐

another Beverly Goldberg.

Get me up to speed.
Where are we on food?


Guest list?

A real who's‐who of nobodies.

I've worked with less.

Yeah, but we still need music,
a cake,

an officiant, a videographer,

and a huge team of
hair and makeup for us...

and possibly Dolores
if there's time.

So a whole wedding?


Your daughter's musical, right?

Oh, don't bother.

My children have already
refused to help me.

That's adorable.

You! You're in a dumb
singing group, right?

Yeah, but I'm not in the mood ‐‐

I don't care.
You're booked.

I'm only saying yes
because I'm afraid.

Not afraid enough.

Scoot. Go. Knees high!

Holy crap!

You were hateful to my child!

And it was beautiful to watch.

Hey, hey, hey.
Look at me.

You can be this horrible, too.

While I am an ordained deacon,

uh, I'd like to sit down
with the bride and groom

and really get to know them.

He's as bald as a misshapen egg,

and she doesn't seem to mind.

You're all caught up.

Your angry eyes make me feel
like I know them enough.

Oh, no!

A fit, middle‐aged lady
on my bed.

I saw this movie with Barry.

Flattered but spoken for.

Get your head out of the gutter,
camera dork.

I prefer film aficionado.

You are gonna point your Kodak

and chronicle the nuptials
of Bill and Dolores.

I barely know
who those people are,

and I'm kind of at a crossroads
in my own relationship.

Everything you're saying
is ridiculous

because you're a child.

And what is this room?

Ginzy, I wasn't
very nice earlier,

so this will come as no shock.

But I'm gonna need you
to bring me

all your white roses,

you tremendous piece of.

You know, words like that
are why we canceled HBO!

I'll have them here
by 1:45.

Hello, I need service!

I'm next forever,
so why don't you

and your
corned beef‐covered friends

start making me
some finger sandwiches

and a six‐tiered wedding cake.

We only do meats.
And now cakes.

And I need you to take in
the seams of all these pants.


Yep, my mom and Jane
were a dream team,

but I was in
a relationship nightmare.

Pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up.

Answering machine!

Dude, you're doomed.

Leaving a message
won't get your lady back.

Brea! It's Adam Goldberg
of Adam and Brea.

It's already bad.

I know you're headed off
to sexy Hartford,

but I could use a pep talk
on where we stand.

I mean, you could do
whatever you want,

but please don't do
whatever you want.

For the love of God,
stay out of that hotel pool!

You're tanking it, bro.

Just hang up
while you're behind.

Anyhoo, safe travels,
and please don't leave me.

Oh, here comes my anxiety gas.

Have I hung up yet?

I think I nailed it.

You did not, but you can fix it.

Just leave a few more messages

in the same tone of
clumsy desperation.

You're not a good person.
I know.

Yeah, Barry had me worked up
about my relationship,

but I wasn't the only one
trying to work things out.

Hey, whatcha doin'?

Hiding from Jane Bales.

She's a scary lady.

I know.
She made me the flower girl.

I didn't even say yes,
but here's my basket of petals.

Look, about the whole
study‐abroad thing...

it kind of seemed like
you were super pumped

for me to go.
So pumped!

You'd be okay with me
leaving you, then?

I guess that's what I'm saying.

Oh. Okay, then.

I guess I should
really consider it.

Please don't!
I am so confused.

I know. I'm sorry.

Of course I don't want you
to go.

But we just had this whole thing

about how everything's
on my terms,

and this was my chance to
finally support what you want.

But I can never leave you.

But it's España.

You can eat paella
and watch children smoke.

Everything I want is right here.

Now you're laying it on
a little thick.

Just shut up
and kiss the flower girl.


You guys are okay?!

Now it's definitely me.

As the psychic's prediction
became clear,

my mom and Jane Bales
had pulled off the impossible.

In one day,
they turned our backyard

into a picture‐perfect
wedding venue.

Hey, have you seen my, uh,
tie with the stain

that looks like a stripe?

I've got it right here.


And you also got big‐boy chairs.

How 'bout that.
I pushed you to do better.

Now maybe
you can take care of something

like your best‐man duties?

I think it's a little too late
for a bachelor party,

but I'll talk to Vic.

Is your speech ready?

Well, yes.
Where is it?

Bingy, bingy.

So you didn't write it.
No, I did not.

Beverly, big problem.

Bill has locked himself
in the bathroom.

He says he doesn't want
to go through with it!

Nobody panic.
It's just cold feet.

Murray will talk him down.

Thank you, Murray!

What am I supposed to do?

Maybe care about this wedding
for a freakin' second!

I did at City Hall.

But then
you took over everything

and turned it into a circus.


Do you understand
why I'm doing this?

No, I don't.

Murray, you know,
a wedding is not just about

the two people getting married.

It's a celebration of what
it means to be married ‐‐

two people starting
their lives together,

starting a family.

I never thought of that.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be
surprised that you didn't.

I can't believe Brea's going
to the Holiday Inn in Hartford.

I know.

It's like she's going
to the Playboy Mansion,

if the Playboy Mansion

was in the insurance capital
of the world.

Hey, Adam.

Brea? You're here?


Because I can't imagine
being away from you

for even a day.

Psh! Girl,
I wasn't scared.

Which is a complete lie.

Thank God you're here.


Oh, no.

If Geoff and Erica are good
and you and Brea are, too,

then that can mean
only one thing!

Hey, I was looking for you.

Hopefully not to break up
with me.

We're good, right?

Oh, um... yeah...

"Oh, um"?

Barry, we need to talk.

The wedding my mom planned
for Bill was in serious trouble

'cause there was no Bill.

Bill, when you agreed
to get married,

you gave up your right
to ever make a decision again.

Bill ‐‐ Bill stepped out!


Um, I'm gonna knock down
this door,

choke you out,

and drag your lifeless body

and move your face like a puppet

so you say, "I do!"

You're gonna
"Weekend at Bernie's" me?

No, thank you!

L‐L‐Let me give this a try.

Hey, Bill.

I thought you were crazy
about this lady.

Like beans love weenies.

That's also our nicknames
for each other.

I'm beans.

Well, then, what's the problem?

I've been burned
by the marriage game once.

Do you know
I spent the last six years

sleeping on an empty waterbed?

That sounds terribly

I just haven't had anyone
to fill it for, you know?

Now you got Dolores
to fill it for you.

What if she leaves me, too?

I can't go through it again.

You know, I was gonna save this
for my wedding speech,

but what the hell.

is not a sure thing.

That's a rough start.

Look, if you find
the right woman, like I did,

it's the easiest choice
in the world.

I knew I loved Bevy
soon as I met her.

Over the last 28 years,

she's really taught me
what love is.

If you find a woman

who makes you half as happy
as Bevy makes me,

you're set for life.

I want what you have.

That's a good thing

'cause it's waiting
right outside.

You really are my best man.

Do you really mean those
nice things you said?


Shut up and get in here.


While my dad put
the wedding back on track,

Barry was trying to keep
his relationship with Ren

from going off the rails.


Barry, I‐I think you're great.


I saw my old boyfriend,

and I think I still have
feelings for him.

You sure?

We kissed.

So... that's it?

You're just gonna get
back together with him?

I'm so sorry.

Me too.

In that moment,

Barry didn't need a psychic

to tell him how much
it was gonna hurt,

but luckily, he had
a few shoulders to lean on.

- You okay?
- Not really.

Stupid psychic.

Bar, no one actually
knows the future.

But what I can tell you

is we're gonna get through this.


I guess family
can't break up with you.

Wouldn't even think of it.

You're stuck with us forever.

It was true.

In good times and in bad,
family is there forever...

both the family we're born into

and the family that we choose.

And by the power vested in me

by two very terrifying ladies,

I pronounce you man and wife.

That day,

Bill and Dolores
chose their new family,

and with it, a new future ‐‐
one they'd make together.

You did great...
but you always do.

That's what's incredible
about weddings.

They're just a day.

But they're the beginning
of an entire new lifetime.

Because when you think about it,

life is full
of new beginnings ‐‐

marriage, children,
even break‐ups.

And although we can't predict
what tomorrow holds,

as long as we're there

with the people we love
in the present,

the future is bound
to be amazing.

Hey, Brea.
It's Adam again.

I'm so glad you came
to the wedding

instead of going to Hartford.

I'm sure you would've looked
great at the hotel, too.

I hear
there's a nice pool there,

so I assume you'd be enjoying
the freedom of a swimsuit.

My mom always says

a one‐piece is the safest choice
for modesty.

I'm in no way suggesting

you should have a swimsuit
like my mom's.

In her defense,
she pulls it off.

She's pretty fit.

Power walks, plays tennis,
eats cottage cheese.

You could do a lot worse than
having a body like my mom's.

Let's just say

if you were her age
and had her body,

you would hear no complaints
from me.

How'd I do?

Honestly, I am feeling better
about my break‐up.