The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 15 - Dave Kim's Party - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: The '80s was the
golden age of the house party.

If the music was cranked
and the place was wrecked,

your bash was a hit.

And it turned out I had
a hot tip about the latest one.

Yo, J.C., it's me, Adam.

- Corey's brother!
- Not even a little bit.

Anyway, I thought
you'd want to know about a rager

at Dave Kim's this Saturday.

Let all your bros know.

Will do.

Tell Corey he's a dirty dog.



I'd fed the grapevine a grape.
Only thing left to do was wait.

Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.

If there's no hot tub, we'll make one.

Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.

There's gonna be 50 kegs,

and Spuds MacKenzie is deejaying.

Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.

I'll know if you don't show.

Hubba Bubba Soda? Do better.

Word about the party spread fast,

until everyone knew about it.

Party at Dave Kim's this Saturday.

Well, almost everyone.

What the hell?!



Who's telling everybody
I'm throwing a party?

They're the worst. And it's me.

You?! Why?!

Come on, Dave Kim!

No one loves a kegger more than you.

And it's a keg party?

Yep, all kinds of savory brewskis...

ales, lights, fruity ciders,
light beers.

No, wait. Those are the lights.

You don't know anything about beer!

I do know your parents are out of town,

and kegs attract popular kids,
and that's what I'm looking for.

Is this about Brea Bee?

Yes, it's about Brea Bee.

I know we had a moment
while ice-skating,

but I've barely seen her since.

Now she's back to her ivory tower

with the cool kids across the room.

So you think that a party that
will inevitably destroy my home

is just the opportunity you need
to reconnect?

Will you help your best friend
find love?

Hell no.

I hear we're throwing a party.

Oh, no! Carla's got wind of it!

Bitch, I am the wind.

And I've already got a theme...
mayhem and deep regret.

Oh, no! That's a winner!
Who wouldn't come to that?

I would, and hopefully so will Brea.

Someone's a nasty boy.

- [School bell rings]
- Ugh. It's lunchtime.

I'm supposed to open
the wing store today!

Why are you doing this to me?!

Brea Bee is just a girl!

Just a girl, Dave Kim?

She's gorgeous, cool, and likes theater.

Well, looks like your perfect dream girl

just dropped her Trapper Keeper.

Allow me, madam.

Oh. Thanks, Adam. [Chuckles]

Ohh! Thank you.

...in advance for my next question.

Which is, if you had to pick one word

to describe how you party,

would it be "hardy"?

Like Dave Kim's party... this Saturday.

Oh! T-That might be fun.

It's guaranteed to be a blast.
I'm planning it myself.

I want to plan.

The best part of partying is
the who, what, when, and where.

Mm. With a little foresight,

planning a party can be
as fun as attending.

I'm pretty sure
me and Brea got it covered.

Say, my place around 4:00?

It's a date.

Yeah, sorry. I actually
can't do it today.

But I'll try to make the party.

I know a solid maybe when I hear one.

Whoa. Think she likes you.

- Really?
- No.

But now this won't feel so lousy.

Oh, no! Wait! This is why you
don't put yourself out there!

- Oh, balls!
- [Laughs]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 19, 1980-something,

- and my mom had no idea...
- [Doorbell rings]

...today would be one of
the best days of her life.

- Mr. Whitby?
- Indeed, it is I,

your cookbook publisher
and well-regarded dog breeder.

- Come on in!
- [Chuckles]

- [Laughs]
- Oh!

What an incredibly authentic residence.

Often, when I stare out at
Central Park from my penthouse,

I imagine this is how other people live.

So, you drove all the way from
the city to belittle our home?

- Surprise!
- [Gasps]

I brought your cookbook
hot off the presses!

It's not really hot.
That's just an expression.

But it is warm from me sitting on it

so I look more imposing in the car.

Oh, my God! That's me! This is me!

I guess we went with
the one with your face.

Mom, you're on the cover
of your own book?

- That's so cool!
- It really is!

Am I in it?

"Mrs. Goldberg resides
in the Philadelphia area

with her husband and three children."

This book is about me. Can I have this?

- For only $14.95. [Chuckles]
- Oh.

That's what we'll be
selling it for at your signing.

A book signing? Me?

We find it goes a long way
when launching a new author.

Also, your friends feel
too guilty not to buy one.

I'll make them buy 50 each!

Much of the publishing game
is about emotional blackmail.

There's also a tremendous amount
of sexual intrigue.

[Whispering] Maya Angelou.

This guy's the real deal.

[Normal voice] Oh,
this deal is real, all right...

as real as my teenage daughter's
restraining order.

[Chuckles] City kids.

You two are lucky you're so simple.

I hate this guy.

Uhp! You sound just like my daughter.

[Chuckles]

Anyhoo, you'll be signing

at the provincial book store
in this sad little town.

I believe it's called
St. Ann's Book Dump.

I think you mean B. Dalton.

That makes more sense.

Question... as an important relative

featured prominently
on the back side flap,

what kind of royalties can I expect?

Well, I'm just gonna start talking

and hope my sentence
carries me to the door.

And I'm gonna start another
sentence, and there we go!

While my mom prepared
for her big night out,

I had to prepare my room
for the cool kids.

Would a beautiful girl
like these parachute pants?

I see why they threw them
out of a plane.

Tomorrow needs to be perfect.

And it will be. You're throwing
a party to land a girl.

I've thrown millions of shindigs,

and they all went gonzo.

Gonzo's my favorite Muppet, so I'm in.

First thought... don't mention Muppets.

Second thought... throw
this party the night a war ends.

We're kind of locked for this Saturday.

After I got back from the Pacific,

I kissed a thousand nurses.

That seems like too many.

[Doorbell rings]

Crap. The guys are here!

Thank you for your fun ideas.
We'll let you know.

Are you sending me away?

I just need you to step
into a different room

for, say, an hour.

I could pop down for
some of your mom's monkey bread.

I don't need the details. Bye.

There they are.

Well, welcome to party plan central.

Is it too late to discuss
alternate venues?

Yep. Let's plan this beast,

keeping in mind we need this
party to be cool and inviting

to redheaded 17-year-old girls
who I know play volleyball.

I'll start.

A volleyball.

Here's something fun... BYOB,
"bring your own broom."

My turn. 50 kegs.

Giant speakers that will
blow out car windows.

A party donkey.

A no-rules foam room

and a giant fish tank
full of hammerheads.

Disposable shoe covers,
like at an open house.

Ooh! How about a roped-off private area

where two people can talk
and get to know each other?

Yes! A rope! Put that down.

We're humming now! Anyone else?

How 'bout an oyster bar?

What are you doing here?

Making suggestions

to get some enchantment
back in this party.

What's with the old guy?

And why is he suggesting sea vomit?

Question... what's
the sexiest instrument?

Answer? The oboe!

Pops, I don't need your help.

But if you want romance,

your pals are steering you
toward disaster.

I know what I'm doing!

Doesn't mean you don't need my advice.

- Pops!
- Here's some more gold.

Turn up the temperature
and watch the girls glisten.

I need this party to be cool,
not sweaty.

And oboes and clams aren't cool.

Oysters!

Why would you have clams at a party?

Enough! I don't need your help.

I'll let my oboe guy know
you won't be in touch.

As I left Pops feeling empty,

my mom's cookbook signing
was a full house!

Mr. Whitby, can you
believe this turnout?

Oh! I hope my pen
doesn't run out of ink.

Well, just don't ask to borrow mine.

It hasn't worked since I used it
to perform a tracheotomy

on a man who, long story short,
didn't need one.

Anyway, good luck with the reading.

Reading? I thought
this was just a signing.

Oh, no. You'll be reading.

Well, I suppose
if my adoring fans demand it...

Whether they did or they just
happened to be in the store,

they got to witness maybe the first-ever

dramatic reading of a cookbook.

"1/2 cup cream.

Two sticks of butter, cubed.

Toss into margarine until combined"!

And once my mom got going,
she didn't want to stop...

"Whisk gently with water
until the clumps...

have dissipated."

...or stay totally on topic.

You know, I like to think I do for Parm

what Madam Curie did for, uh...

well, whatever it is she did.

Should we be worried Mom won't handle

all this attention in a positive way?

Nah. She'll be fine.

I have a husband and three children,

and yet, today, my life began!

While my mom embraced cookbook fame,

I was bracing for
the party of a lifetime.

Thanks for picking me up, Johnny.

Eh, it's the least I could do
after you bought all those kegs.

Kegs? What are you talking about?

You know, that money you left
for me in that envelope

in that drawer in your room.

What?!

My Garbage Pail Kids emergency fund?!

Honestly, who's worse... me or you?

Fine!

It'll all be worth it when I wow Brea

with these sweet Z. Cavaricci pants.

I'm not so sure.

Is she into little nervous pirates?

Doesn't matter,

as long as Brea shows
and we share a moment.

So, your plan is
to wear lady pants to a party

in the hopes of spending a quiet moment

with a girl way out of your league?

Admittedly, the plan has wrinkles.

And here's some more wrinkles...

on that old dude from your bedroom.

Pops?

Hey, kiddo.

I heard what you said
the other day loud and clear.

Then why are you here
with that rolling battleship?

I thought you'd want
to take it to your party.

When you roll up with this baby,

you'll be fighting trixies off
with a stick.

You certainly know
what a modern boy wants,

but you're not even
supposed to be driving.

Enjoy the Caddy.

I don't want the Caddy.

You got to take the Caddy.

Stop saying "Caddy," and stop
throwing Caddy keys at me.

I know we had a rough patch
the other day,

but let me do this for my best bud.

I don't want this.
I don't want your help.

I just want to be left alone.

Okay, then. I get it.

You don't want me.

Oof. That was rough.

Hope you have the same presence of mind

when Paula Abdul demands her pants back.

Dave Kim's party was in
full swing and off the chain.

The place was packed,
the music was bumpin',

the shots jello'd,

and that guy was shirtless.

This night was gonna be epic!

Nice. Dave Kim is quite the host.

I'm gonna take a shower in the
master and get my night started.

The only thing missing was
a certain special lady.

This is officially a cool party!

Why isn't Brea here, Dave Kim?

Dude, I've got
my own problems right now.

Carla is playing a drinking game
with my baby pictures!

Look at you holding the football
like you know how it works.

That's not all.

Those guys are wearing
Villanova sweatshirts,

and based on their facial hair

and nonstop references
to beating Georgetown,

I think they actually go there.

I hope your parents have
earthquake insurance,

- 'cause this party's gonna be rockin'!
- [Cheering]

They have fire and flood,

but their deductible is super-high!

As the person who started this party,

you need to do something.

Or we wait until Brea shows.

Yo. Someone popped
your parents' water bed.

Seems... time-sensitive.

That's as good a sign as any.

Attention, friends.

This party is...

But in that moment,

- [Angelic chorus harmonizes]
- Brea Bee was in the house...

...and all reasonable thinking
went out the window.

...the best party evah!

[Cheering]

Brea! Hey.

Wow. There's... so much going on.

[Chuckles] How did you
even get in those?

One leg at a time, baby.

Then my mom has to latch
all my buckles in back.

- What's your poison?
- I'd take some water.

Hydration. Nice.

Your body thanks you.

Well, I-I didn't mean
to talk about your body.

I mean, you look lovely.

Probably 'cause of all that water.

Circled back. Saved it.

Okay. [Chuckles]

What am I doing?!

I'm blowing it!

DAVE KIM: I'm sorry!

Is your romantic plan
to destroy my house

not coming to fruition?

Maybe you can let me free
and we can talk more about it!

While Dave Kim's party
was getting out of hand,

so was my mom's grasp on reality.

Do I smell Mom's
homemade chili cheese lasagna?

Yes, you do, Schmoo.

My biggest fear used to be
that I'd turn into my mom.

Well, I've been using your mom's recipes

and having the time of my life.

We are two very different men.

- [Door closes]
- Hello, BevHeads. [Chuckles]

That's the new moniker I've given

my legions of adoring fans.

- What fans?
- And why are you dressed like

Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl"?

Those two questions
have the same answer...

stardom.

Mornin', Jenkintown!

- That's Matt.
- And that's Lizzie.

And we're here with cookbook author

and local celebrity Beverly Goldberg!

Oh, look! You're on TV!

We can finally control your volume.

And she's with Lizzie, the human
cup of coffee that starts my day.

So, what's next for Beverly Goldberg?

I am just gonna ride
the wild success of my book

into, eh, housewares, beef, bikes,

tax assistants, music,
children's clothing,

tiny, little scissors, bric-a-brac,

Dutch ovens, TV shows.

I guess we'd better watch our backs.

[Both laugh]

Matt, look at me.

Look at all of this. It will be gone.

Even Lizzie's gonna leave you.

Oh, we're not together.

Shut up, Lizzie.

We've all seen how you touch his arm.

[Theme music plays]

Why would they air this?

Again... stardom!

ADULT ADAM: And things
only got worse from there.

Lady, you can't park there.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

No, it's okay. Famous author.

[Chuckling] Yeah, after one
successful local book signing,

my mom became a monster.

Hey! Your dog just did
his business on my lawn!

You gonna pick that up?

Oh, I don't do that anymore.

But here.

A real nightmare who thought
the rules didn't apply to her.

Sorry. Fame doesn't wait in line.

Uh, do you mind?

Okay, just one.

In her mind, she was
The Beatles of cooking.

Okay, this is for all of you.

And there was no slowing her down.

Whoo-hoo!

Bookbinder's on a Saturday night
with no reservations.

You really did it, Bevy.

Remember, when we're in public,

it's Brittley Divine.

I'm sorry... this table's reserved.

Uh, for celebs, yes.

For this party of four.

There's a waiting list.
It's about two hours.

I thought you said
you had a standing table

with complimentary appetizers.

I was gonna order two of
everything, Noah's Ark-style.

All right, hand over the menus.
We're not going anywhere.

I am, 'cause this is mortifying.

I guess you've left me no choice.

[Clears throat]

It's me. All right?

Now, be a dear
and go get us three iced teas

and maybe turn the lights down
in this section,

because people are starting to stare!

They're staring at you
because you're a nightmare.

I'm going across the street
to Long John Silver's.

I didn't realize we were
so close to fried pirate fish.

Sit down, Barry.
We are eating here for free.

Clearly, this woman is very embarrassed

and she'll do anything to make it right.

I'm calling the police.

While my mom's ego was out of control,

so was Dave Kim's party.

There you are!

Took me a while to get that water

because someone ripped
the faucet off the sink.

Oh. Thanks.

But I'm just gonna get out of here.

What? The party's just getting started!

Started? My mailman is in the kitchen,

screaming that he wants
someone to punch him.

What if I could calm this place down?

- How are you gonna do that?
- With this!

People are always too embarrassed

to do stupid stuff in front of a camera.

Turns out that wasn't the case.

Hey, world, check me out!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[Crowd gasps]

I will never regret this!

Furniture Jenga rules!

Whooooooa!

[Crowd gasps]

Stack 'em again.

I'm bleeding, but I can go higher.

Stop stealing!
That's the Kim family microwave.

I have you on film!

Mine.

I'm not sure the camera worked
like you thought it would.

[Glass shatters]

My mom's Franklin Mint
commemorative plate collection!

- [Glass shatters]
- Those are worth a fortune

or possibly nothing!

Follow me to safety!

What are you doing in
our hiding spot, Johnny Atkins?

- Just takin' a breather.
- [Glass shatters]

- It's pretty rough out there.
- Johnny Atkins is afraid?!

If he can't handle this, no one can!

I say we throw "Goldnerd" out there.

They'll swarm him,
and we'll make our getaway.

Ugh! Why didn't I leave?!

I'm scared.

In that moment, I knew

this was my chance
to prove myself to Brea.

I'm gonna make a phone call.

As I was calling in reinforcements,

my mom was about to be called out.

What's all this?

You told me Barbara Walters was coming

to interview me about my book
and my cosmetics line.

No, that's a super-obvious lie,

and the fact that you believed it

suggests how out of touch
with reality you are.

So she's running late?

Bevy... [Stamps foot]

...this is an intervention.

Oh, no. Is Barry
back on Strawberry Quik again?

I can quit whenever I want.

This intervention is for you.

Me? What's my problem?

You've become an embarrassing psycho.

Cookie break!

I'm a psycho?

Your boyfriend is dressed as me.

And I'm pulling it off.

And I'm... pulling it off.

Since this whole book thing started,

you've been shameful,
rude, and dismissive.

And I want nothing more
than to live a life

of unearned celebrity excess,

but right now,
you're being total garbage.

I see. I had no idea
me fulfilling my dreams

was gonna cause you
so much pain and jealousy.

Jealousy? No one here is saying that.

You didn't have to.

It's all over your faces,
like Strawberry Quik!

I only do it on the weekends!

Okay, I'm gonna go spend time
with my real family...

my fans at the book expo downtown.

Can you hear yourself?

Not above the roar of my adoring crowd.

The BevHeads are gonna be
lined up around the block!

♪

Where are all my BevHeads?

BevHeads? [Chuckles]

Your book was a minor local success,

and only because your friends
and family supported you.

But you knew that.

I did not.

That's hilarious.

Well, I've got a pregnant
Great Dane in the car.

♪

The party had trashed Dave Kim's house,

and now it was taking to the streets.

They're taking our pillows, man!

Why?! Why?!!

It's best we don't know.

As hope... and Dave Kim's belongings...

disappeared into the night,

a friendly face showed up just in time.

No, they weren't in slow motion,

and yes, half had their
blinkers on for no reason,

but that armada of Cadillacs

was the most beautiful sight
I'd ever seen.

Thanks for doing this, Pops.

And I brought reinforcements.

Five Cadillacs should do it.

Five? We started with seven.

Where the hell are Bob and Diane?

I'm sorry I told you
I don't want you around.

That's not true.

Aw, sometimes it might be.

You're a young man.

You don't need your Pops
cramping your style.

I don't get it.

How are you always so understanding?

Hey.

You're my best bud.

I know what's in your heart.

[The Romantics'
"What I Like About You" plays]

Yeah, me too, buddy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a party to break up.

Come on, everybody!

Let's ride!

♪ Hey! ♪

That night, Pops busted out

the coolest party trick I'd ever seen.

Come on, come on.

He got a bunch of alte kakers
to make it crazy-uncool!

There were puzzles, bingo,
pictures of grandkids,

and plenty of butterscotch.

And, man, did it
clear that party out fast.

We did it. We totally saved this house.

That'll buff out.

As Pops saved the day, my mom discovered

there was some interest
in her book after all.

Excuse me.

Where could a BevHead
get their book signed?

What are you doing here?

I came to support my beautiful wife.

Even after the way I acted?

It wasn't your finest moment.

I'm so sorry.

I was just excited for you guys
to finally be proud of me.

Are you kidding?
We're always proud of you.

It's true, Mom.
And you got a book published.

That's not nothing.

Yeah, a book nobody cares about.

We care about it.

And isn't that what's important,

not some stupid table at Bookbinder's?

Here's the thing.

You don't need the whole world
to love you,

because you got
a world of love right here.

Damn it, Murray!

Why do you always say the perfect thing?

Because you make it easy.

♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

Hey! All you book dopes!

Come on over here! My wife wrote
an amazing cookbook!

♪

Brea.

You're still here?

Yeah.

I think my friend left
on a motorized scooter.

I can't believe I did this
to Dave Kim's house

just to impress you.

You ever consider just talking to me?

Like that would work.

Give it a shot.

You might be surprised.

Okeydokey, Smokey the Bear.

Stop.

Enough with the... weirdness.

Just be yourself.

Talk to me as a person.

Got it.

So...

...you want to maybe...

get some ice cream?

Sure.

You want to walk to Scoops?

Or I could drive us.

Whoa! That's an enormous car.

Yep.

Almost as big as the heart
of the guy who loaned it to me.

[Chuckles]

Turns out every story does have a hero.

Sometimes they show up in the end.

Sometimes they were there
from the beginning.

That's the thing about the characters

that fill the pages of our lives.

They're always there to lift us up...

and, in some cases,
bring us back down to Earth.

And that can make
for a pretty sweet ending.

♪ Hey! ♪

♪

Today we are here

with the turtleneck-wearing
legend himself, Dave Kim.

[Ding!]

So, was there really a Dave Kim party?

Well, I had told one person that
my mom was traveling to Korea,

and he told the whole football team.

Somehow the whole football team
got invited to my party.

YOUNG MAN: Anything else
you want to say ruined?

Any regrets?

Uh, it's gonna, uh, show a bit.

What did your parents say
when they got home?

To this day, I don't think
they even know about it.

Your parents watch the show, don't they?

Okay, book guy, buckle up,
'Cause I got a few ideas

guaranteed to be best sellers.

- Wow me.
- Think "The Shining,"

but instead of the hotel,
it's the beach,

- and instead of ghosts, it's hot chicks.
- Okay.

You know how people
like the Bible, right?

What if there was a sequel?

I'm an atheist.

Dracula, but a book.

I have news for you.

A book of poems that's been
hollowed out to hide nunchucks.

My people will be in touch.

And I'm far enough away now

to tell you that that was a lie.