The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 16 - Body Swap - full transcript

Adam is torn between following Beverly's rules when it comes to off-campus lunch or going to the food court with his friends; after using Barry's college ID to get food at the dorm, Geoff becomes the "student" Barry wishes he could be.

Back in the '80s,

one of the most popular movie
genres was body swapping.

Yep, nothing was more
hilarious than seeing someone

wake up in another person's shoes,

which made picking what
to watch impossible.

Ooh! Grab 18 Again.

It's George Burns, but he's 18 again.

He's got the wisdom of a lifetime

in the body of a whippersnapper.

How about Freaky Friday?

A mom and her teenage
daughter swap bodies.

As if the mother-daughter relationship

isn't fraught enough already.

All of Me.

Steve Martin gets Lily Tomlin's soul

crammed in his head, and, boy,
does she have opinions.

Hey, Geoff, if you could switch
bodies, who would it be with?

I wouldn't change spots with anyone.

- The perfect answer.
- Or the worst!

It's either Chuck Norris or Batman.

Or Noah from the Ark.

Or Noah from high school,

whose family coincidentally
also had a boat.

Are you sure you haven't
already swapped bodies

with someone who has
significant brain damage?


We're getting Dream a Little Dream.

It has the two Coreys in it.

Those two will never know failure.

- Let's go.
- Why the sad face?

Are they out of All Dogs Go to Heaven?

No, they keep that on
permanent hold for me.

I was just thinking that
since I'm not currently

doing anything with my life,

no one would want to
switch bodies with me.

But you're on a great track now.

You're applying to college.

Yeah, but I can't do that until summer.

I want my life to start right now.

And besides, living on campus illegally

hasn't exactly been easy.

Even though Geoff
loved shacking up with Erica,

not being an actual student
had a few setbacks,

like not having a dorm key.

Oh, no! Poison ivy!

Oh, no! The door!

And no school I.D. meant
no access to the cafeteria.

- What'd you get me?
- You know when you're so hungry

that everything tastes good?

- Are you that hungry?
- Was this once a crepe?

And... Bum-bum-bum... Iceberg lettuce!

It's almost a Cobb salad.

Look, I know it's been
tough, but be patient.

You'll be a student here
before you know it.

Idea! Geoff can switch bodies

with the greatest living
person of all time... Me.

I speak for everyone when I say
we don't want your body, Barry.

Oh, Geoff should want my body.
He should want it bad.

Bar, where are you going with this?

It's where you are going...

To the cafeteria with my I.D.

Wow. That would be amazing.

But don't you need it for food?

Nah. I just eat everything in the fridge

that's clearly marked
"Property of Matt Bradley."

- What?
- Wait, so with Barry's I.D.,

I could escape the shadows and eat
food from a plate and not a pocket?

Oh, yeah, I meant to
give this to you earlier.

It's called spanakopita.

And it is wet.

Just be careful being me.

My looks tend to draw a crowd.

It's a chore being this beautiful.

You do know that you're not
actually switching bodies, right?

Don't be so sure.

- It's happening.
- So magical!

They're the same age and gender,

so it won't be that strange.


It's 9:00. The store is closing.

Fine. But to make sure
our swap is complete,

we'll slam our bodies together
to exchange life spirits.

- Yeah, that won't be necessary!
- Yah!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 26th, 1980-something,

and I was getting ready to
eat what I ate every day...

Hot crap.

I thought it was square pizza day.

And I thought it was
dork-free lunch line day.

It didn't work out for any of us.

I wasn't looking for a
give and take, Doris.

Attention, students!

From now on, juniors will be allowed

to have lunch off-campus,
just like seniors!

It's finally happening!

Starting tomorrow!

Why'd you pause?
You didn't have to pause.

Ha! Thanks for the spud, hot head!

Who cares?

Now we can eat at Mister Rick's Hoagies

across the street.

Hoagies? We need to think bigger.

You ever wonder what Red Lobster's
like at noon on a Tuesday?

My guess? Businessmen, making deals,

as far as the eye can see.

Isn't it great about open lunch?

Yes. I was just discussing
our many options.

Like the one restaurant
that's in walking distance.

But don't you have a car?

Can't you take us pretty much anywhere?

Us? Like me and you?

Uh... yeah.

I don't know if you've noticed,

we've kinda been eating lunch
together every day.

Huh. I guess that's right.

I haven't really been tracking.

Yeah, you have. You got a
calendar in your locker,

and you write "Brea"
in bubbly letters every day.

Look who's right there with the
information no one needed.

Here are your parental consent
forms for going off campus.

Parental consent forms?

Yeah, make sure your folks sign this.

It relieves us of any liability

around your accidental death
or dismemberment.

- Dismemberment?
- Happens more than you would think.

Arms and feet, they come
off like Barbie parts.


Adam's out.

There's no way Beverly
Goldberg signs anything

where he can lose a
fingernail, let alone a limb.

Oh, that's too bad.

I can just get a ride
with someone else, I guess.

You want to ride shotgun
in my red Scirocco?

No, she doesn't, Matt Schernecke!

And I can handle Beverly Goldberg.

Nothing less true has ever been said.

Start thinking
where you wanna chow, Brea.

Not that you chow.
That's just a turn of phrase.

You're a lovely eater.

Small bites, like a delicate bunny.

Okay, as weird as that was,
one Mom autograph,

and I'd be lunching
off campus with Brea Bee.

Nothing was gonna stop me.

Hell no.

There's no way in the world
I'd let you drive to lunch.

But I already drive!
What could possibly go wrong?

But I knew. We all did.

The Goldbergs sucked behind the wheel.

Those are just five to seven
incredibly concrete examples.

I already made concessions

on the crash helmet
and fire-retardant suit.

All the other parents are letting
their kids go off campus.

All other parents are idiots.

I love you harder and better

than those people love
their idiot children.

Well, I have two parents,
and I know for a fact

that one of them doesn't care at all.

Dad, sign this.

- Ask your mother.
- I'm asking you.

I don't go against your mother.

I'm more of a "wait and see and
then wait some more" kinda guy.

- So scoot.
- You broke your husband.

And Mama's comin' for you next!

- Please! I need this!
- No.

Marjorie Shenkman's lawn guy's nephew

went out for off-campus lunch one time,

flipped his Saab, and skimmed
the top of his head off.

Now when he goes to cocktail parties,

people try to put
their drinks on his head,

like he's an end table.

There is no flat-skulled man
with a whiskey sour on his dome!

He had to get a job as Frankenstein

at that theme restaurant where
they salute old horror movies.

More drinks on the noggin.

Just let me drive.

He tried to cover it with a toupee,

but it didn't sit right.

It looked like an area rug

sitting on top of a Rubik's Cube.

- You're exhausting!
- W... I'm just trying

to keep my perfectly
round-headed schmoopie safe!

As my mom was certain I shouldn't drive,

Geoff was unsure he could
pull off being Barry.

I don't think I can pull this off.
I'm perspiring so much!

Actually, if you're being
Barry, that's a nice touch.

Now just walk in there,
show them your I.D.,

and get you a real lunch, buddy.

Okay. I can do this.

My days of pocket foods are done!

With that, Geoff went for it.

He'd be Barry Goldberg,

- and no one would question him.
- Hold it.

Oh, no. I'm too
eager-to-please for prison.

Let me see that card. Barry, huh?

Oh, God. I can explain.

Please do. You look so much better now.

How'd you do it, Barry?

Your... sweet cooking?

- I work the front.
- Yeah, you do!

- What'd you say to me?
- Barry Goldberg said it.

Did you say Barry Goldberg?

Barry Goldberg's one of my students.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh is right.

You haven't been to my
mythology class all semester.

I thought Barry dropped that class.

I mean, me. Me dropped that class.

Class starts in five minutes. Let's go.

Oh, wow. I hate confrontation.

You have a strong grip
for a guy wearing tweed.

And so Geoff was
pulled into Barry's life.

But unlike Barry, he was
actually crushing it.

Well done, Barry Goldberg. Another "A."

Wow, Barry Goldberg. We sure could
use you in our study group.

Yep, Geoff made Barry look good,

and other students wanted in.

Dude, you're rad! Any interest
in joining our drum circle?

All he wanted was a key and a salad bar,

but instead, Geoff got Barry's
full-fledged college life.

Grab some bongos and join us, babe.

Also, you're my sister,
so don't kiss me hello.

Okay. Everyone out.

Yeah, the drum sesh is over.

And don't forget to take your ponchos

and that musky cloud that
you all made together.

Wow. My boyfriend's
crushing it as my brother.

I'm so happy for you, and also...

I know. I just wanted
to use the cafeteria,

but I discovered that college is filled

with so many opportunities
for personal growth.

And I'm thrilled for you, but you
don't have to say yes to everything.

I'll try. Right after crew practice.

Aidan and Beckett think that we
can take Dartmouth this year

at Head of the Charles.

While Geoff's
college life was setting sail,

I was missing lunch with my crew.

Where are we headed for
lunch, my good man?


That other Shakey's
that's closer but scarier?

I'm just excited to get off campus.

The freedom's intoxicating.

Know what's better than freedom?

The tried and true flavors
of our own cafeteria.

Ha. You clearly didn't get
your mom's signature.

I got my mom's J. Hancock.

Not that I need it. I'm my own man.

This shirt/cords combo was all me.

Great. I mean, not the pants,

but you can drive us
to the mall food court.

The food court?

So many cuisines from across
the globe in one spot.

Chow mein. Tacos.

The Sbarro Italian experience.

You've never had real Italian food,

you don't know what you're missing.

Only problem...
The mall's 20 minutes away.

We only got 45 for lunch.
We'll never make it.

You'd never make it, but
Johnny Atkins could do it

in a hurricane with his arms
tied behind his back.

So, how's this work?

You steer with your knees
and honk with your nose?

- This guy.
- So, you'll take us?

For a price.

And that price is
a large Mr. Pibb. No ice.

Better be nothing but Pibb
to the tippy-top of that cup.

I think that can be arranged.

You coming, Ad?

Ah... Screw it.

There was no way I was letting
my mom ruin my lunch with Brea,

so I pulled the riskiest move ever

and forged her signature...

Until I pulled the next riskiest move

by getting in a van with Johnny Atkins.

He wasn't messing around.

It was the craziest ride of my life.

He terrorized civilians,

he violated every traffic law
known to man,

and at one point, I think he
jumped over a drawbridge?

But somehow,
he got us there in one piece.

Let's move.

We have seven minutes to eat

before we have to do that
again, but in reverse.

- I can't believe we made it.
- Me, neither.

Unfortunately, we'd made it

on my mom's weekly mall-walking day.

Nothing got by Beverly Goldberg.

I smell my baby's delicious head hair.


Oh, balls!

Yeah, big ones, you little [Bleep].

While I was caught, Geoff was
caught up in being Barry.

And when the real Barry showed up,

he misread the situation big-time.


What are you doing here?

We all cleared out so Andy
could entertain a lady.

It's his grandma,
and she won't stop talking.

Is that Schwartz being
hoisted in the air

like he just threw a touchdown
or attended a Jewish wedding?

He just dominated in ultimate Frisbee.

Why are you all chanting "Barry,"

besides the many obvious reasons?

'Cause Barry's a total airbender

who just pancaked a hospital pass

and hucked a scoober for the win!

I don't know what any of those
are, but he's not Barry.

- I'm Barry.
- It's cool, bro.

Sometimes people have the same name.

You could be Barry Number Two.

What the hell did you just
say to me, Frisbee bro?

Yeah, uh, we should probably talk.

Um, do you remember
when we body-swapped?

Vaguely. I have a full
plate of magic in my life.

Well, I've been using your I.D.,
and it's been great.

I-I've been going to class,
making friends, joining clubs.

I've been going to this
college for six months,

and I can't do any of that stuff.

Ha! It's like Geoff's a
better Barry than you are.

Impossible. I'm the best me.
And I'm gonna prove it...

After I send you back into the
shadows, where you belong.

For my brother, being
number two wasn't an option.

It's all good, Barry Number Two!

For actual Barry Goldberg, this was war.

Desperate for my freedom,

I had committed the ultimate crime

in my mom's eyes... Using her name.

- Who would do such heinous acts?
- Unbelievable.

Going against our wishes and forging
our distinguished signatures.

Distinguished? Dad just holds the pen

and makes the pizza-delivery
guy move the credit card slip.

Oh, more sass from
Mr. Sassafras over here.


I said I was sorry.
Can't we just move on?

Murray, did you hear that?
The boy wants to move on.


Thank you for always backing me up.

He's not backing you up.

He's just peppering in
the word "unbelievable."

Your father and I are a united front.

- Tell him, Murray.
- Unbelievable.

- Damn it, Murray!
- What?

Hey, congratulations or whatever...

Graduating middle school.

February, and I'm
a junior in high school.

- Mazel tov. I did it, Bevy.
- Yay.

You should probably focus
on your husband now.

That is a flower that needs watering.

Nice try, but you are never

leaving campus for lunch ever again.

But all my friends will be
off-campus without me!

Well, them's the breaks, naughty boy,

and I'd say it's a light
tap on the wrist

compared to the ultimate crime...

Murdering my heart.

You're both extremely bad at this.

Do you believe this?

It's not my place to get involved.

- It literally is.
- Okay.

If you take away the kid's friends,

he's gonna hate you forever,

and then I'll be his favorite,

which doesn't work for me.

That would also mean I couldn't
live with him and his family

and tuck them all in at night
in a bed we all share.

I designed it. It's called a super king.

So, you kinda get it.

Well, I can't have him roaming

the crime-infested streets
of Jenkintown,

looking for cheap eats.

That is a toughie.

But I participated a little,

so the ball's back in your court.

Yep, my mom was desperate
to keep me at a safe distance,

so she spread the word about the
latest hot spot for off-campus lunch.

Bev's Bites?

This is just my mom
making food at my house.

I don't do zoning for the city.

Just going for the free grub.

It was a brilliant chess move.

If I wanted to go to a food court,

my mom would bring a food court to me.

Yep. Bev's Bites was open for business.

What'll it be, sir?

I've got a wok, and I'll
put things in there

that the fast food chains are afraid to.

What I want is answers.

Who turns their home into a food court?

And... Oh, man, are those Dippin' Dots?

We've got it all.

- Hot dog on a stick?
- No!


- Damn it.
- Exactly.

Now, why don't you go
sit with your friends

- and that lovely Brea Bee?
- No! Do not pull her into this.

I'm taking my sticked-dog
and my friends to go.

Sorry. Between the beef shawarma

and your hot mom, I'm not leaving.

So sweet.

This is a pretty tasty taco, Adam.

And this is my first jambalaya,
and I jamba-like-it.

No one's looking for your
wordplay, Schernecke.

And while I admit this
is all super weird...

Holy crap, can your mom
make an Orange Julius.

Well, the secret is buying it
at Orange Julius.

Hey. I like her.

- Damn it.
- Here.

Put this in your windshield,

and then you can park in the driveway.

As my mom fed my friends,

Barry was feeling fed up with Geoff.

I'm sure you are all aware of why
I called this meeting of the JTP.


You didn't. I did.

This is our weekly chores meeting.

Silence, stupid Matt Bradley!

Geoffrey Schwartz has stolen my
identity and sullied my good name.

You gave him your I.D.

Specifics don't matter.

What matters is, is I'm jealous now.

Aw, buddy, are you looking
for a little validation

because Geoff is living your best life?

Don't dig for deeper reasons,

but yes, that'll make me feel better.

I... guess you're not afraid to
express your extreme emotions.


And I guess you're not afraid to
get hit with chalk! Do better!

I got one. You're a great
political cartoonist.

You know it, son. I am a great...

Wait, what?

Ha! You gave Ronald Reagan Dumbo ears.

- Who?
- It's hilarious in a smart way

that doesn't make you laugh.

Take that, beltway.

I didn't do that! I hate politics.

The only time I voted was
to keep the McRib going.

Geoff must've done this.

He's got a deft artistic
touch all his own.

Damn it, he does!

He makes me seem creative
and insightful,

but that's not the Barry
people have come to expect!

I've heard enough!

Barry, what are you doing here?

You don't play ultimate Frisbee.

The real Barry Goldberg
dominates at all sports,

and I'm gonna score all over you.

With these Frisbees. In an ultimate way.

You have no idea how this game
works at all, do you?

I'll master it as I go.

With that began an
epic battle between two men...

One who knew the game
and one who did not.

Fly, disc, fly!

While Geoff had all the
moves, Barry did this.

And while Geoff was doing this,
Barry did a little of this.

And whatever... this is.

- Dude, I'm on your team!
- There are teams?


Oh! Is that points? It should be!

Yep, the score was lopsided,

as was the Frisbee
when Barry was done with it.

what he lacked in ability,

he didn't make up for in sportsmanship.

You're all garbage! I'm carrying us!

Get better!

Also, what's that cone for over there?

It was clear...

The Barry Goldberg everyone
loved wasn't the real Barry.


You stole my awesome
identity away from me,

- but body swaps work both ways.
- What are you saying?

I'm saying you may have
become Barry Goldberg,

but there's nothing stopping me
from becoming Geoff Schwartz.

Well, have fun with that.

Uh, help yourself to an orange slice.

As Barry was determined
to take back his name at all costs,

I was determined to take
back my lunch hour.

- Brea!
- Hey... Adam.

Why are you yelling? You're so close.

Me. You. The mall food court.
It's happening.

I'd love to, but Johnny won't drive us.

- I'm driving.
- That drive is kinda crazy.

Are you sure you can do it?

Girl, I've been playing Pole Position

since it came out in the home version.

- What?
- To the wagon!

W-What do you think?

Keep reversing or try to pull forward?

I just paid this off!

- Mondays, am I right?
- It's Wednesday!

While I was spinning my wheels,

Barry hit the gas on his plan
to bring Geoff down

by dragging his good name.

Sorry I'm late, everyone!

I'm Geoff Schwartz, and I
bring the tardy to the party.

You must be lost, sir.

I'm exactly where I need to be.

I'm a nerd. Nerds like to learn.

- I'm Geoff Schwartz.
- What are you doing?

Being a terrible friend.
Because I'm Geoff Schwartz.

You keep saying your name
like that's an explanation

for the interruption.

Either sit or leave.

On it, Professor Mustache.

Okay. Geoff Schwartz.

My dad's a dentist.
That's why I have so many teeth.

- Pretty sure your dad's an eye doctor.
- I know me.

I cry at Palmolive ads.

You did once, and it was
because the bunny got lost,

but then the boy found him
and cleaned him in the sink.

I go boom in my trousers.

- I'm Geoff Schwartz.
- Oh, God. Why?

Boom means poop.

- I'm Geoff Schwartz.
- Geoff Schwartz, stop this.

Why would this Geoff Schwartz

do something for you, Barry Goldberg?

Maybe because this Barry
Goldberg is getting an "A."

- Noice! I'm dominating it.
- Okay!

It's painfully obvious this is some
kind of movie-inspired body swap.

Fine. It's over.

- You exposed me.
- Damn right I did.

Just so you know,
I really loved being you.

Thanks a lot, Barry.

I had made a mad dash
for the food court,

but I only made it as far
as the principal's office.

Need I tell you how serious
this offense is?

He knows.

Now, what I'd like to know is exactly

how the parental signature
verification system broke down.

He put the slip in my box,

- and I put it in this pile.
- What?

I assumed you had a team
of forgery experts

who reviewed each signature
and compared them

against a master list for authenticity.

I just put it in the pile.

Oh, who cares? Your boy drove
on top of my sweet Prelude!

That thing was high-class!

Calm down about your Prelude.
It was just okay.

Okay? That plucky
sports compact got it done.

On the highway and with the ladies.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen...

You will end off-campus lunch forever,

and I will not sue you for
hundreds of millions of dollars.

Let me think about it. Deal.

What? I'll be a social pariah!

Welcome to the bottom, baby.

It's one thing that I have
to live under your oppression,

but that doesn't mean
that everyone else should.

I don't care about everyone else.

I only care about keeping
you safe, schmoopaloo.

Soon I won't need your signature,

and when that day comes,

you'll be lucky if you
ever see me again.


You can't say stuff like that to me.

But I mean it.

Why would I want to be
anywhere near your craziness?

Because you have to. I am your mom.

I love you more than myself.

Come on! Enough!

Someday, when you're a parent,

you're gonna see how hard it is

to worry about your kids
every moment of every day.

You don't worry about Barry
and Erica like this anymore.

Of course I do. It never stops.

I feel like there's
a little piece of my heart

floating around out there,
and I may never get it back.

Adam, you need to understand
that I will never change

when it comes to protecting my kids.

And you need to know
you're not protecting me.

You're just keeping me
from experiencing life.

I suppose I could...

Loosen the reins a little bit.

Turns out no matter how much I grew up,

my mom was always gonna be my mom,

because there are some relationships

that you can always count on.


Barry? What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be out ruining
what's left of my rep.

I came to say sorry.

I shouldn't have said any of that stuff.

I know you don't go
boom in your trousers.

But I don't get it. It was your
idea for me to take your I.D.

So you can get a meal
at the dining hall,

not become a better me than me.

I guess I got carried away.

You were just taking advantage

of all the amazing things
here that I haven't.

- Well, why not?
- I don't know.

'Cause it's scary trying new stuff.

It was easier hanging with the JTP

and not putting myself out there.

But, Barry, you can, too.


You're not just Barry Goldberg.
You're Big Tasty.

You've got more confidence than anyone.

- It's not always earned.
- It's rarely earned.

But that's what makes you you.

And I know it's only a matter of
time before you own this place.

And besides, soon enough,
I'll be going here with you,

and the two of us will be unstoppable.

Okay. I'm doing it.

I'm throwing myself
into this place for real.

Look out, college!

There's about to be a new
Big Tasty on campus.

Hell yeah, there is.

Life has a way
of turning you upside down

and making you feel like
you're not yourself.

But sometimes, that's the perfect thing

to help you get where you need to be.

- Ready?
- Let's do it.

And even though we never know

where the journey's gonna take us...

You really gonna do this every day?


Just for the next few months. thing's for sure,
riding with the ones we love

makes it a whole lot better,

even if that's right across the street.

In the end, things start
to make a whole lot more sense

once we see life from
someone else's perspective.

After all, how else would you know

what you're missing out on?

Who wants a hot dog or a hamburger?


Dude, the most bananas thing
just happened!

I was minding my business and making
mouth sounds into a desk fan,

when I switched bodies with Erica.

- What's going on?
- It's me. Big Tasty.

But I'm stuck in this dumb lady body,

and I can't even nunchuck.

See? I usually have the skills
of a bajillion Bruce Lees.

This is weird, sweetie.

Sweetie? Don't be gross, you turd.

Hey! I'm Erica.

I like dumb leather boots
or being a wiseass.

I'm sad and pathetic...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, no.

Yeah, I guess I'm pretty
good with these things.


Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx