The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - Pickleball - full transcript

Beverly discovers Murray is actually a year younger than they knew so she plans a do-over at celebrating his 50th birthday; Coach Mellor attempts to prepare Adam for pickleball tryouts.

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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
the hottest trends were Jams,

Wayfarer, Swatch watches,
and acid-wash jeans.

But at William Penn Academy,

there was one item
of colorful wool clothing

that the biggest trendsetters
were never without.

Is it just me, or does everyone
but us have a letterman jacket?

Speak for yourself, bro.

Did I miss the day they sell the
clothes from the lost and found?

We earned these.
I lettered in badminton.

- Dive team.
- Bass fishing.

Wow. This school's athletic department



has really grown in the last few years.

Yep, I'm a jock now,

and I get all the sweet
benefits that come with it.

Hello, my romantic equal.

- Die, dork.
- And the dance begins.

Well, it's not like I need
a stupid varsity letter

- to get into film school.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

- Au contraire.
- (GASPS) Balls!

And balls may be exactly
what you need, Mr. Goldberg.

You need to round out
your personal journey

with some athletic challenges.

But people who make movies
don't care about sports.

Not true.

Alfred Hitchcock... Star tailback.



Ron Howard... Decathlete.

Ridley Scott... Hockey goon.

That all seems super wrong.

But are you saying if I
don't get a varsity letter,

I won't get into film school?

I'm not not saying that.

Luckily, I'm heading up a revival

of a storied William Penn
athletic institution.

Pickleball!

The sport of kings!

This is William Penn's last
championship pickleball team.

Anyone look familiar?

Is that Vidal Sassoon?

That's me... Earl "Mr. March" Ball.

March was the month for the
tri-state pickleball finals,

hence the sobriquet.

I mostly follow.

- Nice hair. What happened?
- Time.

She's a cruel thief.

She took my golden locks

but also my precious pickleball

from the fore of mainstream sports.

Come on. Pickleball was never a thing.

How dare you?

It swept the nation!

You seem fired up for some reason,

so I'll match your emotion.

Let's do this giant ping-pong thing!

That's the spirit!

Coach Nick,

we got a fresh cucumber
ready to be brined.

- Coach him up.
- Never.

I'm done with you pushing
your filthy pickle in my gym.

Please remember, words matter,

and I am the principal of this school.

And I am the principal of this gym.

The gym is inside the school,
so I am principal of both.

Damn it. That tracks.

But I'll still never coach
this sorry excuse for a sport.

Yeah, seems like Coach Nick's
got some stuff going on.

Why don't you just jump out
there and show us what you got?

Hey, everyone. (CHUCKLES)
Let's have some fun.

Fresh dill coming your way.

Oh, that seems cute... (GROANS)

Welcome to the pickle, bitch.

Such a regal game.

(GROANS)

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

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www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was January
15th, 1980-something,

and with my dad's birthday
fast approaching,

my mom was on edge.

Murray's turning 51 and has forbidden me

from exercising my greatest gift.

Pointing out when someone's
put on a couple of pounds?

I'm very perceptive.
I can hear it over the phone.

But no, it's planning elaborate,
over-the-top birthday parties.

ADULT ADAM: That's exactly what she'd
done for my dad's 50th birthday,

but it turned out he hated parties,

so he fell asleep under a pile of
coats and missed the whole thing.

Which is why we're just having
a stupid family dinner

and I'm presenting him
with this tiny scrapbook.

"Murray Goldberg... Husband, Father,

"President of our United Hearts

"Volume 18"?

Well, a legacy this rich

can't be contained in one volume.

The man has two shirts.
I think it can be done.

Where'd you get all this stuff, anyway?

His dad gave me a box of old memories.

Grumpy Ben?

I thought he hated memories
and Murray and boxes.

Yeah, he's not great.

Yo, where's your checkbook?
There's a shirt I want.

I mean... I need to
recharge my hug batteries.

Has college taught you nothing?

You open with the hug nonsense.

Go ahead. It's in my purse.

Cheggit, it's Dad's birth certificate.

Whoa. He was a big baby.

They didn't even bother with the ounces.

He's actually a year younger
than we thought he was.

Wait. That can't be right.

Trust me, Bev,

the feds don't get this stuff wrong.

Full disclosure...

I thought Dad was in his mid-60s.

If this is real,

then that means Murray
is turning 50 again,

which means I get a redo.

That's your takeaway?

I wish I could redo coming over here.

By the power vested in me by me,

I am throwing Murray
a second 50th birthday party.

Yeah, I don't think
he's gonna be excited

about the party
or the life-changing error

that will rock him to his core.

Pishposh.

Murray is gonna be thrilled
to hear the great news.

What the hell am I?

50! (LAUGHS)

Now you get to enjoy

the unspeakably grand
second 50th extravaganza

that I am somehow

gonna pull together at the last minute.

I'm sorry. I-I'm kinda reeling here.

My whole life's been a lie.

Big-time.

If I had to guess,
it's that your hateful father

screwed up yet another detail
of your childhood.

But, hey, cake and presents.

That rotten bastard.

Just go talk to him,
tell him how you feel.

Oh, I'm gonna talk to him, all right.

I'm gonna talk to him good.

And also give him this invitation.

How did you get these
printed up so quickly?

I get things done.

Now you go get this done with your dad

so we can finally have my party...

Your party. Your party. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: While my dad had
a bone to pick with his dad,

I had handpicked someone to help
me kick butt at pickleball.

Barry, I need your help.

(SIGHS) No can do, bro.
I've got a midterm.

But I have a sports emergency.

(PAPERS RUSTLE, THUD)

Say no more. But first, say more.

- What is the sport?
- Pickleball.

You will be a champion within hours.

- You can do that?
- (CHUCKLES)

Your relentless training begins now.

I could barely do a regular push-up.

This is just you sitting on me.

If you can catch a pickle
blindfolded, you can do anything.

- Barry... Oh, oh!
- Look alive.

Oh, God! They're wet
and surprisingly hard.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Wax on, wax off.

This is how Daniel-san learned

basic defensive karate moves.

And how to apply an important
coat of wax before it rains.

Barry...

You do know how to play
pickleball, don't you?

Till today, I never heard of pickleball.

So this was just you sitting on me

and winging pickles at my head

and having me clean your car?

Totally. Wouldn't it be
cool if those things

actually made you good at pickleball?

You were last my hope.

Who am I supposed to turn to now?

Chill.

I'll take you to my sports
mentor, Coach Mellor.

But Coach Mellor disappeared

to follow his dream to coach
wrestling to adult men in the woods.

- We'll never find him.
- And yet we will.

I'll tell the police
he robbed us at gunpoint.

Then they'll have to find him for us.

Or we could just ask his brother.

Not as fun, but I guess.

Is that one of those pickles
you threw at me earlier?

When you get to college, you'll
learn the value of a pickle.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry and I
set off to find Coach Mellor,

my dad was about to go off on Pop-Pop.

Where you been? I've been
out here five minutes.

Oh, I thought you were that busybody
lady from across the street

who's always trying to bring
me food, make sure I'm okay.

Open the door next time, have a
conversation, that'll get rid of her.

- What's crawling up your ass?
- This.

What is that? Deed to your fancy house?

Came here to rub it in my face?
Nicely played.

It's my birth certificate.

It says I'm a year younger
than I thought.

Yeah. Well, oops.

"Oops"? How the hell did this happen?

I was busy. I didn't have time for
things like birthdays or meals

or wherever the hell you were.

So, you've known
about this my whole life?

No, no. Not your whole life.

I noticed it when you were about 12...

- Or, I guess, 11.
- Unbelievable.

Oh, come on.
What difference did it make?

The difference of a year.

Here we go again, his highness
bellyaching about his birthday.

What birthday?
You never even gave me one.

La-di-da. Look who needs
a birthday every year.

Who are you, Colonel Sanders?

- The chicken guy?
- He was fancy, though, huh?

I mean, who would wear a white
suit around all those chickens?

Fine. The Colonel is a Southern dandy.

But you never gave me a card or a cake

or, God forbid, a present!

Well, who knows what kids want?

I told you every year!

Yeah, socks that you'd call your own.

No, a transistor radio
to listen to a ball game!

Oh, boo-hoo.

You know what you did get? A roof.

Oh, you spoiled me
by letting me indoors.

Can I just say something?

Yeah, give me your half-assed apology.

I wasn't going to apologize.

What I was gonna say was that if
anybody handed me an extra year,

I wouldn't spend it complaining
about not getting a pony.

Transistor radio!

There he goes again.

♪♪

Welcome to phase one of your
fabulous 50th redo party.

ALL: ♪ Happy Bir... ♪

Not happy and no parties.

I'll be in the shed.

Check it out.

The breeze from his angry
walk-by blew out the candles.

I wonder what he wished for.

If I had to guess, to sit in the shed.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad made
party-planning a challenge,

finding Coach Mellor was
easier than we thought.

Coach Mellor?

Well, well, well. If it
isn't the Goldfarb boys.

- You look...
- Like an old, stinky dook

left in your favorite running shoe,

and you want to go for
a run, but you can't,

'cause that hot steamer
owns that shoe now.

I was gonna say "sad," but sure,

I guess your dook-shoe
story is more colorful.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were
at billionaire oddball

John du Pont's Foxcatcher Farm.

I was, but those dark woods

hid more secrets
than I'm willing to admit.

But I turned that "L" into a "W"

by quitting coaching forever.

But you were the one who always
said winners never quit.

And you said the only cure for
broken bones is jumping jacks,

which is medically wrong,
but inspiring, I guess.

Sorry, boys,

but I've hung up my whistle... there.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

- But it's a sports emergency!
- It's true.

Without you, I won't get
into the one school

that guarantees future success...

Film school.

You know, I've spent so much time

around jacked men pushing
physical and societal limits

that I forgot the charming
whine of a little boy.

- Is that a yes?
- Far from it. I'm no coach.

Look at me. I'm a mess.

I've gained two pounds.

Told you not to eat that 17th almond.

See that? No self-control.

Whatever your thing is... I can't
help you, boys. I'm sorry.

Wait, Coach, is that you?

Yeah, that's me.

Were my delts really that jacked?

Damn it, Rick, leave pickleball
in the past, where it belongs.

You're just mad 'cause I was a
better P-Baller than you were.

Of course I am.

I was an All-American football player,

but God didn't grace me
with the delicate wrists

to wield that mighty paddle.

Enough talk about God's fickle nature.

My pathetic-nerd brother

needs someone to show him how to pickle.

It's true. I forgot how
pathetic and nerdy he is.

I don't really think that's
the main takeaway here.

Look at his spindly arms
and toothpick legs.

His concave chest and that doughy neck.

And his flat feet and sickly posture.

- (SLAPS LEG)
- Spin around, Adam.

Show us how sad
the back of your body is.

Yeah, my instinct is to say no.

You know what? Seeing this tragic excuse

for the human form in its full non-glory

is just the kick

in the two-button
polyester shorts I needed.

I'm back, baby!

Whoo!

And someone else is back, too.

♪♪

Hello, old friend.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Follow me to greatness, boys.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
my training began.

ADULT ADAM: My dad didn't
want a birthday redo,

but my mom wasn't gonna take
"no" for an answer.

Welcome, family and friends
of Murray Goldberg.

I've assembled this dream team,

and Essie,

together to brainstorm some ideas

for Murray's 50th surprise party.

Geoff will be writing down your ideas.

Here's an idea.

We don't throw Dad a party

because he clearly said
he doesn't want one.

Boo!

Don't write that down.

But Erica's right, Bevy.

The man chose a shed over cake.

That's only because he has
never truly had a birthday.

Now, once Murray understands the joy
of celebrating his special day,

that shed won't seem
like such a fun option.

Please. You just want a redo
of his last 50th birthday.

Okay. Let's get pitching.

All right. What does
Murray Goldberg like?

BEVERLY: Hmm. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? There are no bad ideas.

Cheese?

I'm also in a cheese area.

Did somebody already say cheese?

The man does love cheese.

Now we're cooking with gas.

Okay, enough with cheese.
He likes other things.

Bevy, maybe we should
get the ball rolling

with things he doesn't like.

There's a lot of those.

I'll start. People.

- Dancing.
- The Dallas Cowboys.

Neighbors who wave to him.

- Loud music.
- Loud birds.

- Quiet birds.
- Doctors who advertise.

My nephew, Darrin, for some
reason I can't understand.

Parties, which again begs the question,

why are we doing this?

Mrs. Kremp, uh, what did you
say after Vic said Cowboys?

Okay, this has obviously
been a huge waste of time.

Oh, I know!

- Firemen acting like big shots.
- (ALL AGREEING)

We're done, Vic. Thanks for nothing.

Now, I need you all to get
the [Bleep] out of my house.

But come back in three hours,

and don't bring any birds or Darrin.

He spells it with an "I."

ADULT ADAM: While my mom's
party committee fizzled out,

I was ready to sizzle
on the pickleball court.

You boys are in luck.

Not only are you being trained
by a pickleball champion,

but that champion happens
to have his own court.

Ha-ha!

Uh, you mean this sad dirt patch?

And the net's all broken.

You don't need a net.

I don't know anything about pickleball,

but I'm pretty sure you do.

It's, like, the only thing you need.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Let's get to work.

♪♪

Lob! Lob! Lob!

ADULT ADAM: It was time to get
serious about pickleball.

Erne! Erne! Erne!

Luckily, I had two of the greatest
sports mentors watching over me.

- Half Volley!
- Half Volley.

Thanks, Coach Echo. Lob!

- Erne! Dink!
- But I still sucked.

- Half Volley!
- Big-time.

(SLURPS) So dense.

That's the beets and pears and bananas

and a second type of beet.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm tasting.

Nah, you're tasting the brewer's yeast.

Oh! (SPITS)

Again!

- But then something crazy happened.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Maybe it was all the yelling

- or the beet smoothie.
- Erne!

- Dink! Half Volley!
- Either way,

pickleball started to make sense.

Ooh.

Ooh! I brought the heat.

That's one spicy pickle, Goldfarb.

We did good work here today, Coach.

We really did.

This is the first time since I
escaped that compound by foot

that I've felt anything but numb.

- What happened there?
- I'm not ready.

But I think I kinda am.

I say when you're kinda ready.

You're ready. Kinda.

Meanwhile, my mom was
ready to hit my dad

with the best surprise 50th redo ever.

Everyone, come on in.
Welcome to Murmania.

- (GASPS)
- Murmania?

Indeed. A love letter
to my husband in party form.

You might want to remove your shoes,

'cause I'm about
to knock your socks off.

Well, I've got a wicked
bunion, but okay.

Pretzels and milk, anyone?

It's Mr. Goldberg's
favorite snackable drink.

My dad likes it for some reason.

Behold.

Holy moly. Is that the
guy from Channel Five

who hits the chime
when he does the weather?

I'd recognize
that simple chime anywhere.

Tonight's forecast...

100% chance of Murray's tears of joy.

Oh, my. What's happening here?

Oh, tonight, it's the dining
and reclining room.

Whoa, pretzel-y milk and lumbar support.

But wait. There's more.

Please welcome Lee of Lee's Hoagies.

And for our final
special guest of the night,

someone my husband
has admired for years,

- the Phillie Phanatic!
- (PARTY HORN HONKING)

(GUESTS CHEER)

Oh! (LAUGHS)

The San Diego Chicken's mortal enemy.

You've done it again, Beverly.

You know what, Mom? This is crazy,

and not in your usual clinical way.

- Aww.
- Honestly, Dad is gonna love this.

Well, after I asked you fools
what Murray would like,

I realized nobody knows
that man better than me,

his perfect wife with the
beautiful hair and skin.

Oh, Dad's walking up the driveway.

Oh. Uh, okay.

Everybody, shut up!

Shut up. Shut your faces.

Even you, Phillie Phanatic.

Beverly, I don't think
he has a working mouth.

♪♪

ALL: Surprise!

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,

my Dad took in everything my mom did

to make his birthday redo perfect,

and all he did was this.

♪♪

(XYLOPHONE CHIMES)

Why, Chime Guy?

While my mom's party was a bust,

I was ready to bust some
moves on the pickleball court.

PRINCIPAL BALL: Well, well, well.

Look who heard the siren song
of the pickle

and came running back home.

Mr. March.

In the flesh.

Is your protege ready
to bring that hot dill?

All that stands in the way

of a letterman jacket and film school

is chopping a backspin to the baseline.

I hope you play as smooth as you talk.

Schernecke!

Goldberg, you beat our worst
player, you're on the team.

Wait. I'm our worst player?

Sorry you had to hear it this way,

but glad we don't have to tiptoe
around it anymore. Go get 'em.

ADULT ADAM: This was it.

My pickleball journey may
have been days in the making,

but thanks to my training,

there was no way I wouldn't
dominate the court.

♪♪

- And I did.
- COACH MELLOR: Yeah!

Sports was easy...

Until it wasn't.

Turns out, that point
would be my only one.

Try again. Try again.

Yep, that day on the pickleball court,

Matt Schernecke sliced
and served me up hard.

Okay, it's 20-1. I think
it's safe to call it.

Terrible effort, Goldberg.

Yes! I'm still the worst.

Oh.

Damn it! Now I'll never
get into film school.

I just say that to get folks
interested in joining the team.

Your future as a filmmaker
still may or may not happen.

(SIGHS) That was hard to watch.

So, this was all for nothing?

Not nothing.

You proved beyond a shadow of a doubt

that I'm not a coach anymore.

I'm just a man.

A man who has to go to a special gym

to find heavy enough weights to lift.
But still just a man.

♪♪

(DOOR CLOSES)

ADULT ADAM: I'd failed at pickleball,

but I couldn't let Coach Mellor
think that he failed me.

What are you doing?

Just sodding over
a beautiful pickleball court.

Thinking about putting
some azaleas right there,

maybe a lovely crushed-stone
path where you're standing.

- So long forever, my special pickle.
- I know this is a big blow,

but this yard is gonna be a charming
outdoor area for entertaining.

Just say your piece.

I wanted to stop by and say thanks.

Thanks for what?
You didn't make the team.

Yeah.

But you never gave up on me.

I-I know you don't feel like a coach,

but I still think
you're one of the best.

Yeah.

Truth be told, it was kinda
nice getting out there.

Well, you should know,
letterman jacket or not,

you've always inspired me.

And you'll always be my coach.

Damn it, Goldberg, you know absolutely
nothing about physical fitness,

but you always seem to be able
to give my heart a workout.

(SIGHS)

W-What's this for?

Well, as far as I'm concerned,

you'll always be first string
on the team of life.

(CHUCKLES) That's not a thing.

Just put it on.

(EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S SEPTEMBER PLAYS)

Now, bring it in
for a standing dog pile.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM: With that, I finally
got my letterman jacket.

As for Coach Mellor,
he was finally thinking

about getting back in the game.

♪♪

The thing is, when you
make peace with your past,

your future is wide open.

I'm sorry, Murray.

You said you didn't want a
party, and I didn't listen.

I-It wasn't that.

It was perfect.

You liked it?

Yeah, all those people, everything
you did for me, I loved it.

Then why are you in here?

(SIGHING) Oh, geez.

Oh.

My dad never cared about my birthday,

so...

I tried not to care.

But tonight,

I realized how much I missed.

Oh, Murray.

Nah, it's a good thing.

I may have not had a great
dad or a great childhood,

but I have a great wife
and a great life now.

Well, you know what the best
part about this whole thing is?

I saw hoagies down there.

You're a whole year younger
than you thought you were.

And even better, I get
an extra year with you.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
if you're lucky enough,

life gives you a second chance.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

It might not happen
the way you thought it would,

but often, you'll find the
biggest wins are off the court.

♪ Oh, oh, our souls were singin' ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

Turns out, no matter how
you count the years,

time keeps moving.

And sure, it's easy
to fear getting older,

but the truth is, if you're
busy worrying about the past,

you might not notice
that the present moments

are often the perfect ones.

- (HORN HONKS)
- (LAUGHS)

And in the end, those are the
ones you'll remember forever.

Here. I, uh, got ya something.

Don't make a big deal.

♪ Ba-dee-ya, say do you remember ♪

Now you can listen to all
your ball games or whatever.

- I love it!
- Yeah, well, anyway, uh...

Happy birthday.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM: So, that's the story

of the second time my dad turned 50

and how he always said

it was one of the best
nights of his life.

♪ Ba-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya ♪

♪ Dee-ya ♪

♪♪

Give him this invitation.

(BELL DINGS)

How you doing, everybody?
I'm Adam Goldberg.

It's my dad's birthday right now,

and he is 50 or 51.
We don't really know.

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

50 years, and look what
I have to show for it.

Well, well, well.

Look who came to dance one last pickle.

Hey, Mr. March, or should I say,

Mr. March Your Ass Out of Here
on a Stretcher?

That was tortured.

Like your forehand.

I hope you got your hot dog ready,

because you're about to be
relish, my friend.

Bring the pickle!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

♪♪

(SLOW-MO) Pickle!

Aah! Damn it, that hurt!

Curse you and this
God-awful excuse for a sport!

(GRUNTS)

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www.addic7ed.com