The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - It's a Wonderful Life - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
'80s, before social media,

the only way
to show off your family

was with your annual
holiday card.

Yep. Matching sweaters
and smiles

sent to family and friends
near and far.

My mom always had
a strong opinion.

Who takes a picture
in a field of cornflowers?

We all know this is the park
behind the interstate.

No one thinks
you have a summer home.

I'm gonna regret this,
but they seem pretty happy.

Well, so do lobsters
before you boil them.



Who's boiling
a lobster?

Everyone,
shut your nog holes!

Look at the Kremps'
Christmas card.

[ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS]

POPS: They're literally
glowing.

They look like the Kennedys...
But with no Teds.

These beautiful blond turds are
not gonna outdo me this year.

Uh-uh. No.

The Goldbergs are having a
professional holiday photo taken.

Nah.
No "nah."

You can't "nah."
I "nah" your "nah."

Murray's right.
You can't just force us to take a photo

out of some sort of
vindictive personal jealousy.

That's why all photos
are taken.



Except you're forgetting
one thing.

ADULT ADAM: Yep.
We had our own crazy holiday cards.

But the matching outfits and
stupid poses hid the fact

that every single session
was torture.

It looks like a yearbook
for an insane asylum.

Ha!
He got you good, Bevy.

Hey, kid, I like
having you around.

Thanks, I guess.
I'm your son who lives here,

so it's a little weird.

No, no, no.
The full package.

No expenses spared.
[CHUCKLES] All right.

[TELEPHONE CLACKS]

I booked studio time.
Yay!

Damn it!
Why'd I choose to have a family?

[DOOR OPENS] Guess who's
home for winter break!

It's Erica,
and she brought me and laundry.

Yep, I'm back,
and it's time

not to reconnect
or catch up at all.

I'm just gonna sleep
and do nothing.

Not nothing, 'cause Mom's
making us take a family photo.

Oh, no.

- You never saw me!
- [DOOR CLOSES]

'Tis the season to pre-treat
some stains for my lady love.

You need to do some
self-reflecting, kid.

Oh, I'm going down!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say
*THE GOLDBERGS (2013)*

*THE GOLDBERGS (2013)*
Season 07 Episode 10

*THE GOLDBERGS (2013)*
Episode Title : "It's A Wonderful Life"

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was December
11th, 1980-something,

and the JTP were
preparing

for their first holiday
together as roommates.

GEORGE: Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, George!
- Merry Christmas!

I love
It's a Wonderful Life.

It reminds me
it is a wonderful life.

- ADULT ADAM: Of course, one roommate
- [DOOR OPENS]

Didn't quite have
the holiday spirit.

Turn the black-and-white
nonsense off.

I demand we watch
a true holiday classic...

Lone Wolf McQuade.

Is that even
a holiday movie?

Totally.
It stars a jolly bearded man,

Chuck Norris,

who delivers joy to children
by killing drug kingpins.

So, that's a no.

Time to kick our eyes
with some action.

Human remote!

[EXHALES SHAKILY] That was
my copy of Lone Wolf McQuade.

Uh, we've been talking
and feel you could

be a little more...
Respectful of our stuff.

When am I disrespectful,
stupid Matt Bradley?

For instance, you constantly
use my toothbrush.

To clean the shower,
so you're welcome.

And every time
I get home from work,

you "ninja surprise" me

with a bo staff
to the belly.

I thought
you were a burglar.

Six times?

And you ate
my allergy medicine.

I regret that one.
Tasted real bad.

So, you're gonna
change your ways

and become
a better roommate?

Over some ticky-tack stuff,

like wearing your shirts

- and socks and underwear?
- What?

Plus, when we talk,
you always interrupt...

Silence, okay?

You've made
your mediocre case, JTP,

and since it's the season
of forgiveness,

you'll be happy to know
I forgive you

for attacking me
in my own home.

I apologize for using
this language,

but Barry's
a crummy roommate.

It's like no matter
what we say,

he still wears
our underwear.

Tasty needs
to be stopped.

ADULT ADAM: As the JTP
wished Barry would chill out,

my mom was firing up
the Festival of Lights.

And amen.

[BLOWS]

We just had to sit through
all that Hebrew jibber-jabber.

Now where's our presents?

Gotta start off Hanukkah
with a bang.

Tube socks! Tube socks!
Tube socks!

Hoo! These stripey bad boys
will fit in all my shoes.

As your romantic partner,
the sock excitement isn't working for me.

I'm gonna do better.

Now we discuss the most
important part about Hanukkah.

Our people's struggle?

Boring!
Our family photo.

That's still a thing
we're doing?

Let these impossibly colorful
sweaters be my answer.

Socks and a sweater!

It's no big deal.

No way am I squeezing
into this itchy yarn vomit.

I think
it's beautiful.

Not just the sweaters,
but the fact

that you're including me
in your holiday card.

Yeah, that's not
what's happening here.

Geoff,
that's Barry's sweater.Oh.

But since you have it on,
could you do me a favor

and do something
punchy and kicky

so I can see if it has enough
elasticity for my hyper monkey?

What is that?

Okay, well, clearly,
you're not into it,

so why don't you just take it
off, and I'll put it on the dog.

Sure.

Well, I hope you guys
enjoy your...

Family photo.

Erica, I think
your boyfriend wants

to be in our family
for some reason.

That makes me sad.

It makes us all sad,
buddy.

Dude, my mom's down
there trying to talk Pops

into being the top
of our human pyramid.

Is this really what you
want to be a part of?

I'm not married
to a pyramid,

but some sort of
people-stacking with your family

is what I want.

I mean, we've been dating
for years now,

and I'm with your family
all the time,

and now we're
living together.

That last thing being our
very carefully guarded secret.

I know. And it might be
corny, but it's what I want.

Geoff, you're such a sweet
and sensitive boy,

which is why I say this
in the gentlest way possible.

- Don't be a [BLEEP] idiot.
- [GASPS]

Not in front of
Bear-rah Fawcett! Okay.

[BEAR THUDS]

You need to accept
it's not gonna happen.

- Why not?
- It's my parents.

They're just old-fashioned
that way.

Well, then I guess I'll just
have to get your family

to see what they're missing out on.
My Geoffer-vescence.

Super bubbly.

But it's best
to just sit this one out.

But that photo pyramid
sounds so fun.

I just want so badly to be under
your dad or on top of your grandpa.

[GAGS]

I-I know
you don't know why,

but we are not gonna
kiss for a while.

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff was stressing
out he couldn't be in the picture,

Dave Kim and I were relaxing
with a neighborhood stroll...

- Until this happened.
- [TIRES SQUEAL]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SCREAMING]

Tell no one,
or I'll erase your bloodline!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[SCREAMING] Oh!

Holy crap!

Why'd you guys snatch me
off the street like that?

What a rush!

Now I get why
kidnappers like this.

Super awesome
and dramatic, right?

Again, why am I here?

Well, we figured
you lived with Barry

your whole life
basically problem-free.

And since you know how to
handle him better than anybody,

we thought you'd have some
suggestions on how to prank him.

You couldn't have
just lobbed in a phone call?

Gah!

[SIGHS] Fine.

Tell me how bad
you wanna hurt him.

Well, he's rude,
inconsiderate, and destructive.

He did unspeakable things
in my BVDs.

Say no more.

He soggied
my cotton bottoms.

What part of "no more"
don't you understand?

He freckled
my Fruit of the Looms.

- I get it.
- He skidded my scanties!

I have a full picture!

Just take away the thing
Barry loves most.

- Caramel?
- Knock-knock jokes?

- Apples with caramel?
- For sure caramel.

But more specifically,
himself.

Oh, nice.
Of course.

Could you be
even more specific?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Barry's ego is so big.

If you want
to get back at him,

make him feel like
he doesn't matter.

You mean erase him
from existence,

like George Bailey in
It's a Wonderful Life.

Yeah.

ADULT ADAM:
And so, the next day,

the JTP played
the meanest prank ever...

They pretended Barry
didn't exist.

BARRY: Morning, JTP.

Who wants to start this day by tossing
this bowling ball I found off the roof?

Can we help you,
stranger?

You seem to have wandered
into the wrong house.

Don't be stupid, stupid Matt Bradley.
It's me.

And you are...

What?

It's me. Big Tasty.

Your charismatic
and angry leader

who doesn't like
to be questioned

before his morning
Hawaiian Punch.

Take it easy, okay?

W-We just
don't know you.

Of course you do,
you ship-in-a-bottle captain, Andy.

Look at the photo of us
inside the...

[♪♪]

What? Where's my gorgeous face
and rugged features?

Not in that picture
of the J.A.G...

The Jenkintown
Association of Guys.

J.A.G.

ALL: J.A.G.!

Hello, male peers
and roommates.

I live here.
This is my beloved home.

Johnny Atkins isn't a part
of our friend group.

He's more than
just a part of it.

He's our emotionally
in-control leader.

This is my beloved home.
I live here.

I demand you explain what
is happening right now, JTP.

What's happening is,
we don't know who you are,

and you're not demonstrating
the calm and cool

the J.A.G.
is known for.

Oh, my God.
[SIGHS]

There's only one explanation
for this.

You realize
the error of your ways

and you're ready
to treat your roommates

with kindness and respect?

I've been erased
from history.

Oh, boy.
That's your takeaway?

My dominance
was never born.

Oh, he is taking this
way harder than I thought.

Johnny Atkins is second-guessing
his role in this hateful prank.

Prank?
What's he talking about?

I'm talking about how your
closest friends bought me tacos

to question your existential
value in the world.

I don't know what that
means, but... JTP?

ALL: JTP.

Bud, it was a prank,

like how you sullied
my under-khakis.

Uh, now we're even.

I merely wore
your most intimate apparel.

You stole my place
in this world.

The important thing is,

we can resume
our lives and put this to rest.

Opposite.
I'm coming for you guys.

It may not be
today or tomorrow,

'cause I got
some stuff to do,

but it'll be sometime
convenient for me,

probably Wednesday,

and it will ruin
your lives forever.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was dead set on revenge,

Geoff was dead set on being
part of our family photo.

Why is this meshugenah
blocking the tube?

I want to see if Simon
makes up with Simon.

I stand before you with
a comprehensive presentation

of why I should be
in your family photo.

I'm not looking
at any of that.

And I knew you wouldn't, because,
as a fixture in this home,

I know everything about you.

Then you know
I'm irritated.

Which is why I brought you
a bacon and egg sandwich

with a side of another
bacon and egg sandwich.

Eh. Do what you do,
egg man.

Geoff, stop. You are an
important part of this family,

and I'm sorry I didn't ask you
to be in the picture.

You're in.

Oh, my God.

This is such
a big moment for me.

I don't even know
what to say.

Say you'll pull it
together.

I don't need you puffy
for when we take the pic

that will devastate that
Christmas clown Jinzy Kremp.

I'm the favorite
holiday boy now.

Let me see
your pearly whites, huh?

Oh, yeah.
Those are gonna shine up nicely.

Uh, what's going on
in here?

Your mom's inspecting
your boyfriend

like he's some kind
of show pony.

It's invasive,
but I'm gonna be in the photo!

What? No. You guys don't
want him in the photo, right?

Fine by me.
Murray, you cool with it?

I've never cared less
about anything in my life.

We are going to be
on all the fridges

and mantels throughout the suburbs.
It's happening!

[CHUCKLES]
It really is.

So, so fast.

[♪♪]

ADULT ADAM: The JTP
had made Barry feel

- like he didn't even exist...
- [DOOR SLAMS]

...so he was determined
to get back at them

- in a way they would
remember forever. - [SIGHS]

Where do we keep
the rat poison?

Oh, no.
Do we have a rat?

Three.

My friends
hurtfully pranked me,

and now I want to even more
hurtfully prank them back.

- With poison?
- Hilarious, I know,

but I'm open to suggestions,
just as long as it's something

that destroys their lives
and forever changes us all.

Every week,
I caution you

with advice
in difficult situations.

It's basically
all you do,

besides snarf down
our baked goods.

No matter my advice,
you do the exact opposite.

I am a little
frustrating.

So, I'm gonna
give you bad advice

in the hopes that you'll do
the right thing.

Getting bored.

Destroy your buddies
with extreme malice.

So, you're kinda saying
I shouldn't seek revenge

because it will irreparably
damage my friendships?

Wait, are you
really hearing me?

Who knows?

[♪♪]

[AIR HORN BLARES]

Good morning,
tired amigos.

What's with the horn, man?
It's 6:00 a.m.

Apologies have no sense
of time or place.

Oh, good.

You're here to acknowledge
the error of your ways,

and you're ready
to move forward

as an equal respectful partner
in our home.

Something like that.

I even brought you all
holiday gifts.

I don't understand.

You were super angry
and irrational yesterday.

But then my wise
old grandpa suggested

I stop this senseless
cycle of pranking.

Good advice.
What's in the boxes, Barry?

Just a little reminder
of how I feel about you guys.

Ah, screw it.
I'm going in.

[CHUCKLES]

My dress slacks?
[CHUCKLES]

They're shredded.

You've been pranked!

I've got my sister's
engagement dinner tonight.

I guess you'll have to hit
the boys section of Sears.

Dude, that's not a gift.

That's just mean
and destructive.

You're up next,
Naked Rob.

My Nudist Enthusiast
magazines?

These are expensive
and European.

Now they're confetti.

I had to learn French
for these.

Finally, for my favorite
person in the world,

stupid Matt Bradley.

- I don't wanna open mine.
- Your instincts are good.

Is this
my birth certificate

or the last letter
my grandfather wrote me?

Those are your last three
paychecks from The Gap.

Now I don't have money
for presents for my family.

[CHUCKLES] It's even funnier
than I thought! Whoo!

Dude,
this is way too far.

Yeah, you made
Matt Bradley weep.

[VOICE BREAKING]
I actually cry every day,

but this one hurt.

Barry, you need
to get out.

Because I brought
our prank war

to its naturally
devastating conclusion?

You're not just
a horrible roommate.

You're a horrible friend.

[NORMAL VOICE] We're
gonna go grab breakfast.

When we get back,
you need to be gone.

No! Guys, come back.

How will I learn
if you don't

immediately forgive me
and move on?

ADULT ADAM: As Barry couldn't
see the error of his ways,

the next day,
Geoff was about to witness

a traditional Goldberg family
holiday card catastrophe.

Oh, my God!

My scrumptious family
looks amazing.

Paul, is it true that when
a family looks this pretty,

you pay them
to take their picture?

No.

Okay, Goldberg clan.
Let's see those smiles.

Uh, young man in the back?
You look really sad.

My boy friends
dumped me.

So it begins.

You know, we might as well
just cut our losses

- and head on home.
- No way.

All right, come on.
Smile for Mama, Barry.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- Oh, no!

Barry's grimace doesn't
express family unity and joy.

Nope. His stink face
is the least of it.

My grandpa can't
stand this long.

Hey, Pops,
how ya feeling?

All my fluids
are in my feet.

I-I-I think I'll lie
down for a minute.

Oh!

Dad, what the hell
are you doing?

You got a pillow
or a couch cushion?

Oh, no! Your grandpa just
made the ground his bed!

- It's what he does.
- All right.

Just like how my dad
always gets overheated.

Hey, Mur-Man,
how's that sweater treating you?

Make it stop!
Get it off!

Just keep clicking.
We'll get one.

Maybe even one with some fun props?
What do you say, Ad?

Who screams
holiday cheer more

than flamboyant pop icon
Elton John?

Are we sleeping or pop stars?
Let's pick a lane!

Pull it together,
Geoff.

Please tell me you're
getting some keepers.

Definitely.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[♪♪]

It all fell apart
so fast.

Yeah,
I tried to tell you.

Just be happy you never
have to do this again.

Okay,
I think we got it.

ADULT ADAM: But we didn't.

Back at home,
Barry still didn't get

why he lost his place
in the JTP pad.

You've been given
a great gift, George...

A chance to see what the world
would be like without you.

I wish I had someone
old and wise

who would guide me
through life.

I'm going back
to focusing on Adam.

Okay, Pops.
I'm gonna crash here tonight.

Sure, there's 12 minutes left,
but let's turn it off.

[♪♪]

[YAWNS]

[GASPS] This isn't
where I fell asleep.

Oh, no!

Have I been
gently kidnapped?

Your body is right
where you left it.

You're dreaming of what the world
would be like if you didn't exist.

This isn't
the JTP pad.

It has no holes
in the wall.

Of course
there's no holes.

You weren't here
to punch them.

[DOOR OPENS]

Go for Mr. Bradley.

"Mr. Bradley"?

Who are you, your stepdad
that officially adopted you?

Nerd.

He can't hear you.

And he's now a successful
Gap businessman.

Without you making him
late for work,

he became Worldwide Head
of Jean Shorts.

Buy! Sell!

- Business!
- Huh?

Oh, hey, there, friend.

How's the weather
up here, you ask?

[CHUCKLING]
Why, it's great,

because life for the
very tall always is.

[LAUGHS]
Who stretched Andy?

No one.

Without you stealing his
lunch, Andy had a growth spurt.

He's been helping people grab
things off the top shelf ever since.

Afternoon, gents.

- Gorgeous Rob!
- Gorgeous Rob!

"Gorgeous" Rob?

You're Naked Rob,
and that's all you'll ever be.

Without you to pants Rob
in second grade,

Naked Rob
never came to be.

He built his identity
based on a love

of high-quality
Italian menswear.

Hope you guys don't mind.

I brought a party sub.
And a party.

ANDY: It's our wives,

who cherish us
not just for our success,

but for our high
self-esteem.

Let's kiss them
and watch football.

- Yeah.
- No! No!

You don't have wives!
You have me!

And I matter!
I make your lives better!

[♪♪]

Gah!

That Wonderful Lifemovie taught
me I need to fix everything!

But you were asleep
for 10 seconds!

I've been asleep
my whole life.

So George Bailey,
you listen to.

What?
Your name is Al something.

Anyway, I gotta go.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry ran
off to save his friendships,

Geoff was about to run
into my sister at the mall.

Erica?

Geoff, what are
you doing here?

I thought I'd get your family a
little thank-you for including me.

Hey, Geoff.

Oh, you'll be happy to know
that Jinzy will be

crying into her
nothing-flavored holiday cookies

because we nailed it.

You took the photo
without me?

Yes, 'cause they are
the worst... The worst.

So, let's just rush away
and never speak of this again.

Wait a minute.
We wanted Geoff in the picture.

You're the one who said
he had explosive diarrhea.

What? No.

And I definitely did not
say "explosive."

You did,
and it read as true.

Been there.
It's our people's burden.

Shame only
makes it worse.

I-I don't
have diarrhea.

So, why?

Uh...

This is a guess,
but she definitely

doesn't want you
to be in our picture.

Is that true?

Please, I can explain.

No need.

Enjoy being
with your family.

Well, it's not
a Goldbergs holiday

unless someone runs away upset
and possibly with diarrhea.

ADULT ADAM: Even though the
JTP had kicked Barry out,

he was still determined to
pull off a holiday miracle.

JTP, I have returned.

I thought
we took your key.

You did, but I made dozens
of copies of the JT-Key,

all of which I lost,
except for this one.

- What do you want?
- Just one thing...

Your forgiveness.

- Oh! What's in the bag, man?
- I think it just moved.

- It's definitely full of spiders.
- I know what's in there.

My greatest fear...
Speaking in public.

BARRY: No.

I had a dream
about you guys,

and you were all better and way
more successful, and I hated it.

You hate the idea
of us being successful?

I love the idea
of you guys crushing life.

I just hated that
I wasn't a part of it.

That's...
Really nice, Bar.

So, I emptied
my bank account

and replaced all the gifts
I shredded.

Your pants.

Your nudie mags.

[CHUCKLES]

And your paychecks.

Whoa.

They're all...
Kinda here.

And I got a little something
extra for each of you.

For Naked Rob,

a Miami Vicesuit,
'cause in my dream,

you looked amazing
with or without clothes.

For Andy,
a 76ers Dr. J jersey,

'cause you stand taller
than anyone I know.

And for my dear friend
Matt Bradley,

I got you nothing,

'cause you're perfect
the way you are.

You ran outta money?

You're welcome.

Get in here.
[LAUGHTER]

ADULT ADAM: While Barry had
finally found his way,

Geoff had never
felt more lost.

Hey.

Don't worry.
I'll be out of here soon.

Geoff, stop.
You got it all wrong.

No, I think
it's pretty clear.

You're ashamed of me.

- What?
- Yeah.

You don't want me in your permanent
picture for everyone to see

because you're the cool,
hot girl

and I'm just the sweet,
little puppy dog

who follows you around
and folds your clothes,

but when
it comes time to...

[THE CURE'S PICTURES OF YOU
PLAYS]

Geoff, I am never
ashamed of you.

Never.

There's nothing better
in my life than you.

Then why can't I be in your
family's stupid holiday card?

Because...
I'm not ready.

How does that
even make sense?

It was your idea
to live together,

secretly,
in this little room.

And I am loving it.

But you being in that picture
with my family,

it made me anxious
about the future.

The future?

Our future.

About getting married

and starting
our own family

and being together forever.

♪ I've been living so long

GEOFF: Barry and Lainey.

You're scared this card will be a permanent
reminder of us if things don't work out.

All I know is,
right here, right now,

I am so happy,

and I don't want to think about
anything beyond right now.

I'm willing to take this
as slow as you want.

But I'm starting
to think

you might be right
about that photo.

[♪♪]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

ADULT ADAM: With that,
Geoff got a version of the photo

- he liked even more.
- [CHUCKLES]

That's the thing
about the holidays.

They may not always turn out
like you'd imagined.

- [SIGHS]
- It's not great.

But it's us.

You're right.
[CHUCKLES]

♪ There was nothing
in the world ♪

But then you're reminded
that the little imperfections

are what make life special,

those moments between the
ones in all the pictures,

the littles ones with
the real smiles.

Those are the sweet spot.

'Cause after all, in the end,

when we learn to savor
those moments,

the tiny snapshots,

- [CHUCKLES]
- Well, it really is a wonderful life.

[♪♪]

Let's see.
Everybody's nice and neat.

Okay.
Let me get your tie.

WOMAN: Adam needs
his hair combed.

That's one
handsome boy here.

[BELL DINGS]

Oh, no! Not again!
[TIRES SQUEAL]

Aah!

ADAM: Barry?
Now you're in on this?

I heard we had a new way of
getting information out of you,

and we need to know...

Where's that deli that lets you
taste the meat before you buy it?

It's the one
on Main Street.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Is breakfast truly the most
important meal of the day?

Is a frog an amphibian
or a reptile?

Does Matt Bradley need
to go to the doctor for this?

Sorry. Forgot what
I was gonna ask.

Put the hood
back on him.