The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - RAD! - full transcript

ADAM: Back in the '80s, a crazy new
fad known as karaoke swept the nation.

My sister, Erica, was about
to discover its wonders.

- Stop rearranging my nail polish.
- But you'll love my new system.

Forget that, they just opened
a karaoke place in Jenkintown.

- Kara-what?
- Oke!

The ancient Japanese art of
singing other people's songs.

- What if you don't know the words?
- They give them to you

on a monitor over scenic images
of Asian models in the ocean.

What if you can't sing
and have stage fright?

Doesn't apply to me, therefore,
it's a dumb question. Let's go.

You said nothing to make me feel
better, but I sense your enthusiasm,



so let's do this.

BOTH: ♪ Bamba, Bamba ♪

♪ Bamba, Bamba ♪

♪ Bamba, Bamba ♪

Nope, can't do it.

♪ Para bailar La Bamba ♪♪

ADAM: Maybe she loved
karaoke a little too much.

Glad you're having fun,

but there's a bachelorette
party hoping to sing.

- Wait, do you work here?
- Work and own. Name's Gary.

You're the Gary-oke?

Ha. Actually, it's
Gary Globerman.

It's so awesome to
be singing on-stage.

I gotta figure out a
way to get paid for it.



I am looking to
hire a few people.

Wait, you'll pay me to sing on-stage
until I get discovered by the A&R scouts

who will give me a record deal,

then I'll go solo and leave
my less-talented bandmates?

This is happening so fast.
You're gonna be so famous!

Sure. Let's talk turkey, Gar.

How soon do I start my
journey to superstardom?

Love your big dreams.

Park them in your locker

before you start your shift
as a waitress or a hostess.

- I get a locker? Yes!
- And everyone who works here gets

to get on-stage
and hone their craft.

That's awesome. Or should I say:

♪ That's awesome ♪♪

I'm not ready to share you with
the world. Getting woozy again.

- Oh.
- Is he okay?

[♪♪♪]

Guess who got a job.

Oh. We're hugging just like that?
You don't wanna know what it is?

You said all I
need to know. Job.

I'm working at Gary-oke's. It's a
karaoke bar where people sing.

- I don't care.
- Do I hear hugging?

Yeah. Erica got a job.

- Ooh, where?
- Teriyaki's.

- Gary-oke's.
- Yeah, it's one of those places

where they chop up
shrimp and throw it.

Doesn't matter, you'll be
making money. Woohoo!

It's just a karaoke
place where people sing.

- It's no big deal.
- It's the biggest deal.

Mama Bear's gonna be there

in the front row
cheering you on.

Or you stay as far
away as possible.

Or we get on-stage together
and sing a Streisand duet

guaranteed to wow the crowd.

Or you stay home with
your lame Mom music,

and I go on-stage solo
and sing a crowd-pleaser

- like "Jessie's Girl."
BEVERLY: Or...

♪ You know I wish That
I hugged Bevy's girl ♪

[HUMMING]

How do you know that song?

♪ Where can I find A
schmoopie like that? ♪♪

Give it to me.
Give me the carrot.

Okay. Honey, let go of the...
No, honey. I need that for soup.

♪ I'm twisted up inside But
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪

ADAM: It was October
10th, 1980-something,

the day Pops learned about the
raddest movie of my generation.

What you watching, kiddos?

This is Rad.

The story of an awesome
BMX biker named Cru Jones,

who enters a corrupt promoter's
nationally televised cash-prize race.

This movie has it all.

Rad BMX bikers on rad BMX
bikes doing rad BMX biking.

It's why they called it Rad.
They literally had no choice.

Wow, that's fantastic.

I need a copy
of this right away.

- I'm on it. POPS: Go, kiddo!

Okay, he ran off because
I acted insanely excited.

We gotta talk.

If you're here to tell us
we're impulsive idiots,

too young to get married
on a whim, take a number.

No. In honor of your engagement,
I'm giving you a little nest egg.

- He's giving us actual money?
- Boom!

- We're rich.
- Is this money from the olden times?

I have no idea
what I'm looking at.

That's a savings bond.

And with interest, one day,
it'll be worth 2000 big ones.

What if our interest is in getting
money right now at this moment?

You can't. Right now,
it's only worth 500 bucks.

- Boom!
- We're rich!

No! This is your future here.

- Be responsible.
- He's right, Barr.

This is our chance to prove we're
not immature, impulsive idiots.

Yeah. We'll use it wisely.

Boom! I'll take this rad BMX
bike from the movie Rad, please.

ADAM: While my brother
wasted his nest egg,

my sister was trying
to hatch a career.

God!

Just capturing my
schmoopie's first day on the job.

What are you wearing?

What do you mean...? Oh, this?

It's an old sweater
I had laying around.

I bought it at the store. I
didn't stay up making it.

Stop doing what you're doing.

You're not to show up at my work

and embarrass me with your
mom-ish lame-osity like you always do.

Okay, name one time
I've ever embarrassed you.

Um...

I said one. But I
get it, I'll stay away.

Promise? Like,
for real, promise?

You've made it clear what
a big opportunity this is.

I promise.

Hey, hey.

Damn it. I said, hide
under the station wagon.

It's filthy. There's a can.

Wait, you wanted to bring
your lame-ass friends?

Fine! We were just gonna pop in

and sing a few dozen
songs. No big whoop.

This dynamic where you
always barge in my life

and embarrass me has to stop.

I'm an adult now. It's
time you treat me like one.

You're right.

As hard as it is to imagine,
you're not my little squish anymore.

I need to respect
your boundaries.

You don't do that for us.

Shut your ♪♪♪♪ing mouth-hole.

We've moved beyond mother
and daughter, and are now...

- gal pals.
- That's not a thing,

but sounds like you're onboard.

I am, gal pal.

Okay, stop saying "gal pal," but
whatever, as long as you stay away.

Yay, gal pals!

Okay, that's too tight.

♪ Jessie's girl ♪

♪ I want, I want
Jessie's girl ♪♪

Ugh, thank you so much.

Uh, fun side note, I actually
have a friend named Jessie,

and I do indeed dangerously
pine for his girlfriend. Ha-ha.

She will be mine one day.
One day, she will be mine.

- Okay.
- Okay. Okay.

- Alarming stuff.
- Thank you.

Uh, that was last call.
Thank you for coming.

Heh. Wait, you're
saying the night's over?

We take our cue from Applebee's,

- and they close at 1.
- No, my mom didn't show up.

Not even in a mustache and a
vest, disguising herself as a busboy.

- What?
- It's a whole thing.

Point is, she didn't
show up with her friends.

She listened to me
and stayed away.

Kind of hoping my employees
encourage people to come.

Ugh, my mom is not people.

We need butts in these seats.

Even if the butts are
in ill-fitting mom jeans?

Tell you what,

for every customer you bring
in, you sing an extra song, okay?

I get it. You want mom butts,

you will have them as
far as the eye can see.

I noticed you're still chatting.
Maybe I can do an encore?

- No.
- Got you.

ADAM: As Erica's new job had
already hit a low, Barry was riding high.

- Rad!
- Barry!

Tell me you didn't just buy an
expensive bike with our nest egg.

Actually, it was very expensive.

We agreed to be
smart with our finances.

See, this is why no one
thinks we can do this.

But we can. Now that I'm rad,

I'll be generating crazy income
by dominating Helltrack BMX races,

like in the movie Rad.

Oh, my God, how
can you be so selfish?

[KEYTAR PLAYS]

- What was that?
- I farted into the couch.

Dude, you got a keytar?

Everyone's right. We are
impulsive, immature idiots.

We can fix this.

I guess we could return our
stuff and get our nest egg back.

- Unless...
- Unless, what? Let's do that.

Agreed.

Pops, my old friend.

We'd like one
additional nest egg.

What? The nest egg is gone
already? It's been four hours.

It's kind of a
funny story, really.

It's hard not to buy stuff when
you really want to buy stuff.

That's not funny or a story.

That's a yes on giving
us a bigger nest egg?

That's a no! Stop bilking
the generous old man.

Why can't everyone throw
money at our problems?

- He's right. Do that.
- No. If you two wanna be adults,

you have to learn
how not to spend.

Look at me, I haven't
spent in the past 20 years.

Those are the only
pants I've seen you wear.

Just got one.
Don't even fit right.

So you save money on
pants! Your wife is a shopaholic.

All Mom does is spend
money on hairspray

- and bags of shredded cheese.
- Exactly.

In every marriage, you've
got a spender and saver.

That way, it evens out.

Well, I love Lainey more than
anything, so I'll take the bullet.

Baby, I'm gonna be the
penny-pinching cheapskate,

- like my garbage bag of a father.
- No! Barry, he's the worst.

He truly is, and I
will lower myself

to his hideous, carbuncled
depths for our love.

It just fills my heart that
you'd sink so low for me.

It's literally impossible
to sink any lower.

I love you.

I am super angry, but also,
I've never been more proud.

ADAM: As Barry was making
our dad's dreams come true,

Erica was ready to give our
mom her greatest fantasy.

Hey, look who it is.
My favorite gal pal.

You just said it. Say
it again. Say "gal pal."

No. But I did wanna thank you

for showing me respect
and giving me space.

Who knew treating you like
an adult would feel so good?

Mark my words, I will never
butt into your life ever again.

Those are words
I've dreamt of hearing.

Which makes this next
part especially hard to say,

but I need you to come to
karaoke and bring all your friends.

- What?
- I know it's confusing,

but I want you to come to karaoke
and stay as long as you want.

Daughter want time? Me? Me?

Okay, reboot your brain because
there will be a few ground rules.

Oh, come on, man. What...?

The idea is, you don't
embarrass me by being you.

- Huh, huh, huh?
- No haranguing my boss,

or complaining about the
service, or sending back food,

or using expired coupons, and
for God's sake, no mom-dancing.

- What's mom-dancing?
- Go on, bust a move.

That. None of that.

Also, there will be no
mother-daughter duets, ever.

Well, tell that to
The Judds, but fine.

No singing at all

because you'll destroy the
vibe with your lame mom songs.

And what are mom songs?

Anything by Bette, Babs, The
Beach Boys, or Barry Manilow.

No doo-wop, bebop, power
pop, and you know what?

Just no songs at all.

No singing, got it.

All that matters here is I
agreed to stay out of your life,

but the truth is
you want me in it.

I already recognize that
this is a huge mistake.

[♪♪♪]

ADAM: After
spending their nest egg,

Barry enrolled in the school of
the thrifty, with "Professor Dad."

Okay, here's a list of everything
you need to know to save a buck.

And, as an extra incentive, for
every dollar you save in this house,

I put it in your nest egg.

Yes! I'm gonna be
a savings tycoon.

Okay. Well, number-one drain
on your wallet: air conditioning.

- Really? Since when?
- Oh, my God!

That's why I always
scream about the thermostat.

- You do?
- That's all I do!

I've never heard you say
anything about the thermostat.

You know no one
touches that thermostat.

Don't touch the damn thermostat.

Thermostat. Thermostat.
Thermostat. Thermostat!

You people really don't listen.

I'm almost listening now.

Good. This next one's a biggie.

Electricity. No more
highfalutin microwave.

But heating up a pizza in the oven
takes six more agonizing minutes.

Would you rather have a slow
pizza or money for more pizza?

Hold on. Are you saying if I
save money, I'll have more of it?

It seems obvious, but yes.

Okay, next. Always save water.

Wait, isn't water free
because God makes it?

No, dumb-dumb.

A water bill can cost a fortune,
so get used to cold showers,

dry-brushing your teeth and
only flushing in emergencies.

- How do you know if it's an emergency?
- Oh, you'll know.

ADAM: So just like that, Barry
took to being a frugal Murray.

And he was not kidding around.

Hey, I was playing a game.

Read a book!

ADAM: No one was
spared. BARRY: Hyah!

No sinks. Water costs money.

- But I gotta take a pill.
- Choke it down dry.

We're all about savings.

Hey! No one touch
the thermostat.

It's fall, which
means it's summer.

Finally, I know what
it's like to be a father.

ADAM: While Barry
was becoming my dad,

my mom was trying
to be a good gal pal.

♪ Para bailar La Bamba ♪♪

Hi, strange newcomers.
I'm Erica, your waitress.

So nice to meet you,
stranger Erica. Heh.

Here's an order of wings

and a list of songs that
you won't be performing.

Ha-ha. Would you reconsider

your poopy-pants stance
on mother-daughter duets?

Odd question from someone I
just met, but not a chance in hell.

- What about the rest of us?
- That's a pass, stranger's friend.

Um, because if you sing,
then my mom will sing.

- Hundred percent.
- True.

But you are free to look at
the people who are singing

and wish it was you. Enjoy.

- Well, this sucks.
- No, it's fun.

We're here being gal
pals, including Erica.

Now let's just enjoy
our chicken wings.

Ew. Which are ice-cold
and need to be sent back.

No, no, no. Must resist
being embarrassing.

Hello, ladies. I see
you haven't signed up.

- Wanna make sure we pick a fun one.
- We'd love to, but can't.

Oh, come on. No judgment here.
Let me put you down for a song.

You don't understand.

When we "can't sing," we
mean we're not allowed.

- Who told you that?
- No one.

- Wasn't our waitress.
- It was your waitress?

No, it's fine. We'll sit and eat
our cold, poorly-sauced wings.

- I can take those back.
- Stop him! We're not allowed.

GARY: Hey, Erica.

Seems to be a
misunderstanding here.

With who? With them?

I've never met this
blond-haired mom woman

and her mom-looking
friends. Hi, I'm Erica.

Why don't you get
them fresh wings

and sign them up
for a song, okay?

- Great, Gary. I can take it from here.
- Good.

Oh, my God. You complained
about me to my boss?

No, I swear, I
did not mean to...

Save it. Honestly, in your
long history of mortifying me,

this leaps to the
top of the charts.

My God, I just
can't win with you.

I've been a great gal pal
and it still isn't enough.

You wanna be a real
"gal pal"? Go home.

[ALL SCOFF]

Freeze. We're not
going anywhere.

It's time to karaoke.

But stranger
Erica told us not to.

She thinks I embarrass
her on purpose? Huh.

She ain't seen nothing yet.

ALL: Ooh!

Is it here?

Please tell me the electricity
bill is here and I'm stinking rich.

Oh, it's here. And
you saved like a pro.

How much did I make for
my nest eggs? Two, $3000?

- You saved six bucks.
- What?

I've been up
everyone's ass for days.

I damaged every relationship
I had to save money.

I know! Damaging
relationships is just the bonus.

You've got a real problem, man.

Hello. Guess who upgraded

to a funky-ass new Casio
keytar with built-in MIDI box?

I don't know what that
is, was it free or cheap?

No, it was a reckless purchase.

Being the spender in the
relationship is super-fun.

And being the
saver's even better.

Give it to me. How much
we put away this week?

It's a number between
7 and a million dollars.

- Is it 7?
- It's 6.

That's one worse than 7, and
you didn't give it as an option.

I know! Living within
our means sucks.

Totally! Is there another way?

BARRY: Of course there is.

We keep living extravagantly,

and when we do need money,
we quickly earn a ton of it.

Barr, you've never
made more sense.

He's making no sense.

ADAM: To them, it
made perfect sense.

With Lainey's keytar and
Barry's rad biking skills,

they'd be rich in no time.

[BARRY GRUNTS]

Rad. I'm okay.

Don't stop rolling, Ad-Rock.

This video's gonna get me
on the national Rad circuit.

You got it. That's a real thing.

ADAM: And so Barry decided to
double down on his BMX dreams.

Meanwhile, my mom and the Frentas
were living out their karaoke fantasies.

But to Erica, it
was a nightmare.

It was an embarrassing medley
of mom-singing and dancing.

They did the Thriller,
The Safety Dance

and whatever this was.

They even took stage
time away from the regulars.

But then she brought
the regulars up.

And the ultimate
embarrassing mom move?

- Pulling Erica's boss on-stage.
- Oh, no, no...

♪ Holding her In his
arms late, late at night ♪

♪ You know I wish
I had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ Wish that I had
Jessie's girl ♪♪

[ALL CHEERING]

You single-handedly
ruined karaoke for me

and greater
suburban Philadelphia.

That's all I do,
ruin everything.

You promised to behave
and not act like you,

and I was stupid
enough to believe it.

You know, no matter how hard I try,
you will always see the worst in me.

How can I treat you with respect

when you don't
have a shred for me?

[♪♪♪]

What the hell happened
to our best customers?

They're not customers.

They're a bunch of yentas
led by my mortifying mom.

And I mean mortifying.

Although you find your mom
embarrassing, know who doesn't?

Everybody else. The good news is,
everything changes when you grow up.

Guess you're not there yet.

ADAM: Desperate to earn
back his nest egg with Lainey,

Barry bet on BMX
with cool tricks.

Only problem, he sucked, a lot.

Pop a wheelie! Footjam to fakie!

Ninja Drop!

Regular bicycling.

Backflip off the bench!

That one was actually not good.

All right, stop. Just stop.

Everyone is trying
to spare your feelings.

Let me be the one who says it,
you two are not ready for marriage.

We're madly in love.

Love? What does love
have to do with marriage?

Everything?

Marriage is about
money and responsibility.

You two don't
have a shred of it.

That's why no one
believes in you two.

You know, it doesn't
matter no one believed in us,

because we believed in ourselves,
but thanks for taking that away.

I should stop recording.
It stopped being funny.

BARRY: Thanks for nothing, Dad.

Murr, need I remind you,

people had concerns when
you and Bevy first got together.

Mainly me.

Only difference is, I
wasn't a total moron.

You had no ambition.

I had to give you a job
in my store. Remember?

Face it, you were just
as young and dumb.

But I didn't care,

because you loved my daughter
and that's all that mattered.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Yeah, I know has been
A good friend of mine ♪♪

Hey, can we talk?

I'm done talking and hoping,

and trying to make
things better between us.

I'm just done.

You're mad. I get it.

All I do is complain
about how lame you are,

when, really, I'm the lame one.

Please, you don't
really believe that.

No, I really do.

You were able to look at me as
something other than your little girl,

but I couldn't see you
as anything but my mom.

You know,

I'm proud to be your mom.

So if this is the way it
has to be, I can live with it.

Well, I can't.

Truth is, you have way more
to offer than I give you credit for.

That is the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

What are gal pals for?

I love you so, so much,
my sweet little gal pal.

ADAM: That day, my mom
finally got the duet she wanted.

♪ You know I wish
That I had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ I wish that I
had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ Why can't I find a
woman like that? ♪♪

ADAM: As for Barry,
he finally realized

my dad was looking
out for him and Lainey.

What you doing?

Typing a for-sale ad for
a Rad bike and keytar.

We're selling them as a set
because it just makes sense.

No.

Don't sell the stupid bike
and weird chest piano.

We can't keep them.
You said love isn't enough.

I guess I forgot.

In the beginning,
love is all that matters.

- Here.
- What is this?

I opened up a savings
account for you.

I already put in the 6 bucks
that you earned and I doubled it.

Twelve bucks is
hardly a nest egg.

You got plenty of time
to be a saver like me.

What's important now is to
build a life with the girl you love.

ADAM: As much as my
dad loved saving money,

he realized you can't
put a price on love.

Truth is, the best thing to invest
in are the people by your side.

Because in the end, they're
the people who back you up

and make sure that you
never have to go solo.

♪ Para bailar La Bamba ♪

♪ Para bailar La Bamba ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ And she's loving him
With that body I just know it ♪

♪ And he's holding her in
his arms Late, late at night ♪

♪ You know I wish ♪

- ♪ That I had Jessie's girl ♪
- ♪ That I had Bevy's girl ♪

- ♪ I wish that I had Jessie's girl ♪
- ♪ Bevy's girl ♪♪

- Mom!
- I baked her in my belly.

It really is a great song.

Yeah, it really is.