The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Hersheypark - full transcript
Adam discovers Brody has been manipulating him; after attending Career Night, Geoff realizes he doesn't want to be an eye doctor like his father.
ADAM: Growing up, there was
nothing better than the school field trip,
that rare opportunity to skip classes
and head out on an adventure.
Yep, field trips were the best.
Boofaloo, come play I Spy!
ADAM: Unfortunately, my
smother was always there.
I spy a handsome schmendrick
I'm gonna squeeze all
the way to the Liberty Bell.
ADAM: And this time, our trip was
low on education and high on fun.
We were going to Hersheypark!
I can't believe we're finally
going to Hershey, Pennsylvania!
I hear the air there
smells like chocolate.
I hear the streets are
paved with nougat.
When you're over 5 feet tall,
you're considered a Twizzler.
It means we can go on any ride.
Well, we can go on any ride.
Your mom always chaperones,
and there's no way she'll let you
loose into Chocolate Town without her.
It's your own fault.
The rest of us forced our parents
to stop chaperoning years ago.
All you gotta do is lay
down some clear boundaries.
Oh.
Oh. Is that all I gotta do? Huh.
I didn't know it was so easy!
Thank you, clueless Chad.
- You're mean when it involves your mom.
- My mom needs these field trips.
It's the only school-sanctioned
opportunity she has left
to painfully insert
herself into my life.
Well, I told my mom, "No more!
Dave Kim is a grown-up who doesn't
need his mommy on some field trip.
Now sign my permission
slip and lay out my clothes."
- That would never work for Adam.
- This ends today.
I've waited my whole life to
eat 8 pounds of chocolate,
then ride crazy
roller-coasters till I hork.
I'm a man now and
shall not be controlled.
It's time I finally face Beverly
Goldberg once and for all.
- You're gonna lie to her.
- Right to her face.
What?
Hersheypark has been
closed and our trip is off.
Why are they trying to ruin
our precious time together?
The chocolate wars. You
didn't hear about it on the news?
I don't watch the news.
It aggravates your father till
he throws his shoe at the TV.
It's those fudge barons
at Nestlé megacorp.
They declared an all-out
war on Mr. Goodbar,
- so they shut down the amusement park.
- Screw those chocolate warmongers.
I just made a fresh batch of
ooey-gooey fudgy chewies.
These always cheer you up.
[♪♪♪]
Wow. He's good.
Maybe the best.
[♪♪♪]
♪ I'm twisted up inside But
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪
ADAM: It was October
17th, 1980-something,
the night of the annual career
fair at William Penn Academy.
Hello, everyone, and
welcome to Career Night.
- [COUGHING] No
one cares. ALL: Ha-ha.
Well, the joke's on
you, mysterious cougher.
The path that you choose tonight
will determine the rest of your lives.
The rest of our lives? That
sounds pretty permanent.
Lucky for you, you have your
old man's noble profession
of ophthalmology
pre-selected for you.
You're so lucky.
I have tons of questions about
doctoring, Mr. Dr. Geoff's Dad.
Okay, I see how passionate
you are about medicine,
come by the office and
see for yourself what I do.
I call eyeball-holder when
you do a head transplant. Boom!
I know that's not real science,
but I'm still gonna take a walk.
[♪♪♪]
How's it going?
My rock star booth
is an obvious sham,
but I'm broke and they got
free food, so going good. You?
My dad's pushing me into
the eyeball game, so gross.
You're at a career night.
If eye-doctoring skeeves
you out, go find another job.
What? No. I love the human eye,
all squishy with its veins and
mysterious, disgusting rings.
- Are you gonna hurl?
- I might.
Hey, you.
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
The kid who ate my corn
on the cob. Come here!
That was two years ago. How is that
the only thing he remembers about me?
- He likes his corn.
- Why is your dad even here?
He finds idiots to move heavy
crap for free and calls them interns.
[SIGHS]
How would you
feel about interning
in the exciting world of new
and recycled furniture sales?
- Um... Maybe.
- You're hired.
And by "hired," I'm
not actually paying you.
Geoff! Get back to the booth.
This man's being very disrespectful
to my anatomical eye models.
Check it out, I'm putting
a giant eye in my pants.
[♪♪♪]
Chaperones, we'll meet
here at 8 a.m. sharp
to hit the Hershey
Highway before it clogs up.
ALL: Ha-ha. MELLOR:
All right, grow up.
What the hell? What
happened to our PTA meeting?
We got bumped. Mellor's
talking to the field trip chaperones.
Field trip? Doesn't he know
the amusement park is closed?
What, the park is closed?
Hello! Nestlé pulled out
of the Cocoa Accords.
There's been a travel advisory.
Nonessential personnel must steer clear.
Uh, Beverly, none of
your insane words are true.
That's not possible. Adam swore
Reese's was literally blown to pieces.
Exactly. You're the last person in
the world he wants on a field trip.
But chaperoning is the one thing
I'm still allowed to be a part of.
Just feel lucky you
made it to 10th grade.
Jackie cut me off in eighth
grade. Independence Hall.
Sixth grade. Freedom Trail.
Fifth grade. Ben Franklin Museum.
Dave Kim told me to go fly a kite.
For me it was third grade.
My Emmy is garbage.
Those field trips are my only
window into Adam's day-to-day life.
Without them, how am I supposed
to know how he's doing in school?
You could just ask him
when he comes home?
Please. Whenever I ask
about his day, all I get is: "meh."
Oh, you get actual sounds? I
just get soul-destroying silence.
You may all be fine
with a frosty-cold "meh"
at the end of your day,
but not Beverly Goldberg.
Coach, put me
down for chaperone.
But your son made it clear
you're the worst and you can't go.
Lucky for me, I have a way to get
Adam to say yes to whatever I want.
ADAM: It was
true, she really did.
Before parents could guilt their
kids through texts or e-mails,
my mom used the guilt letter.
These passive-aggressive tirades
of manipulation were a true art form.
And if her words didn't get to you,
the mom tears on the letter sure would.
Balls!
[♪♪♪]
I gotta admit it, you're the
best pretend intern I've had yet.
I didn't realize how cool
it was to run a business.
Your dad runs a whole
eye-doctoring business.
But in our business, if we mess up,
people will never see their children again.
Worst I can do here
is stain a love seat.
I don't wanna get involved
between you and your old man.
Mostly because I don't care.
But if eyes freak you
out, I wouldn't do eyes.
What would I do with my
life if not eye-doctoring?
I'm not involved, but do
what makes you happy
instead of being
such a pushover.
I know you're not involved, but
I'm rethinking my entire future.
Why don't you think about it
while you bring that heavy-ass
end table to the back room.
[BELL DINGS]
Okay, you can take your son back
now. He's been shadowing me all day.
I learned so much, Dr. Lou said
I don't have to go back tomorrow.
- Or ever again. We'll play it by ear.
- Oh, crap, it's my dad. Hello, Father.
Where were you? There
was an outbreak of pink eye.
- So gunky, bro.
- Ew, bummed I missed it. Ew.
Uh, I was learning
about furniture, here.
You spent the day learning
another man's trade?
Murray, how can you
betray me like this?
No betrayal, I'm not involved.
The only business you need to
know is the one I'm handing to you.
Mr. G got me thinking that
maybe I don't want it, right?
Not involved.
Don't want it? What's
he talking about, Murray?
- All I know is this mentor of mine...
- Not involved!
Told me to stick up
for myself, so I'll say it.
- Not involved!
- I hereby reject
all professional doctoring
and modern medicine!
What are you gonna do
with your life? Furniture sales?
Not involved!
I'd rather do
anything than eyes!
Maybe computers, or fitness,
or maybe I'll just start my
own food delivery service.
He wants to do food delivery
instead of helping people see?
Not involved! Gah!
ADAM: Yep, all my dad wanted
was to stay out of Geoff's business.
Meanwhile, my mom had successfully
guilted her way back into mine.
Hi, Mama. I just wanted
to say sorry and all.
- For?
- "For being a bad son,
and not appreciating the time
you spent baking me in your belly."
- How will you make it up to me?
- Maybe you can chaperone the field trip?
I'll have to move some
things around, but I'll be there.
Now go, be a boy!
ADAM: My mom had
guilted me into submission.
But even better, she
impressed her friends.
- I don't understand. How?
- I can't tell you that.
You get to participate in Adam's school
life as he frolics about with friends
while the rest of us
stay home and suck it?
I'm sorry, Dave Kim's mom, I can't
risk something this huge getting out.
I give you my word as a parent
and as an esteemed teacher,
- I will say nothing.
- [WHISPERS] Same here.
- Ditto.
- [WHISPERS] Agreed.
Meet me in my
basement at 1600 hours.
Take separate cars,
don't let anyone follow you,
and do not park on our street.
You're about to learn Beverly
Goldberg's biggest secret.
Hey, why you guys
looking all shady right now?
- Nothing.
- No big secrets here.
- We're normal.
- All good.
Carry on.
[♪♪♪]
ADAM: The time had come for
my mom to teach her fellow parents
a master class in the
art of manipulation.
What I am about to show you is
the most lethal and powerful weapon
in a yenta's arsenal.
The guilt letter.
- You wrote eight pages on
both sides? BEVERLY: Yes.
Everything you're about to hear
has been written by Beverly Goldberg
and sent to her children.
This is all real.
"Adam, I gave birth to
you, fed and nurtured you,
dried your tears and made
you the center of my universe.
But the way you treated me
today makes me regret it all."
You really wrote this?
Again, every word
is 100 percent true.
"I don't know another
human being on this earth
who would treat
their parent this way,
especially four weeks
before Mother's Day."
- That's how you started an actual letter?
- Oh, sweet, stupid Vincent Geary.
The opening is everything.
I call it the guilt grabber.
Oh. I gotta write this down.
Wait. You can't
just copy what I say.
Once I teach you the basic structure,
you have to find your own spiteful voice.
- You have a whole structure?
- Of course I do.
Now, after the guilt grabber,
you deliver your emotionally
devastating thesis,
wherein you single them out
as the most ungrateful child
the world has ever known.
"Not only am I ashamed to
have such a cruel, selfish son,
but I may never sleep again
knowing how I failed as a mother."
My God, who writes this?
Literally me, no joke.
Next comes the body,
in which you present
the many hurtful specifics
that demonstrate how much
you've sacrificed for your baby.
"I haven't slept since you were
born and gave my whole life to you.
Not once did I focus on myself.
I could have been a lawyer."
Again, something I
actually wrote to my children.
Finally, we have the closer, where
you remind your children that they,
and they alone, are
responsible for your early demise.
- Wow.
- I know, Serry Mirsky.
You finally have the tool to
shame Emmy into being perfect,
like class valedictorian
Aliza Goren.
She'll never be Aliza Goren.
Beverly, these crazy guilt
letters are a game-changer.
Thank you for this
amazing, hateful gift.
You truly are a
genius of our time.
It's so nice to finally
be recognized. Heh.
Quick, give me your
paper. Let's not waste these.
[♪♪♪]
Your father ruined my son.
Geoffrey said he wanted to go
to a liberal arts college like
Vassar, where he could find himself.
But you've mapped out
the next 10 years of his life,
which ends in him
taking over your practice.
All I ever wanted was an apprentice
who cares, but now there's no one.
Geoff is as blind as a patient who
needs a penetrating keratoplasty.
I know. You rearranged
the entire filing system,
and my apprentice wasn't
even here to see that.
This is worse than that one patient
who had the viral eye infection.
Which I missed, and you
pointed out. Thanks for that.
Enough is enough.
You need an apprentice.
This is shameful.
- I want the old Geoff back!
- And you'll get him back!
As leader of the JTP, he
has to do exactly what I say.
You will do exactly
what I say, Schwartz.
- No.
- No?
- No.
- No?
Since when does he say no?
Since I'm done being
the doormat of the JTP.
But that's your role.
Each friendship group has a
doormat, a leader, a naked one,
a tiny pocket-man, and
a lame Matt Bradley.
I'm done being the doormat.
I hereby change the structure
of the JTP as we know it.
You can't change that. It's
the structure of friendship!
Oh, it's changed but good.
As the new leader, I demand
a piece of your Gatorgum.
There's only one man here
who needs Gatorade magically
injected into their gum, and it's me.
[♪♪♪]
Dang. Geoff just swiped
some of Barry's Gatorgum.
Oh. The Gatorgum is totally replacing
the salts and minerals in Geoff's legs.
No! Stop hydrating with my
Gatorgum. Those are my electrolytes!
He just quenched his
thirst with Barry's Gatorgum.
- Geoff is our leader now.
- Damn right I am.
I'm so fired up, I'm gonna cut
science and run around the park.
With no clear objective?
That's crazy, dude.
No, it's new Geoff. JTP!
ALL: JTP!
New Geoff is exciting.
Yeah. That science lab
was 30 percent of our grade,
- but new Geoff don't care.
- And this is an act of war.
It's time I unleash my sister.
[♪♪♪]
- I wanted to...
- Barry sent you, didn't he?
Yeah. He charged in the
kitchen all sweaty and angry,
and I said I'd come in
here just to get rid of him.
Why don't you go tell Barry
that new Geoff is here to stay.
I'm really not in the loop,
so what's happening?
The new me refuses to be
bossed around by his dad,
his friends, and
quite frankly, you.
- Me? I'm part of this now?
- Yeah.
- I'm tired of folding your sweaters.
- But I thought you liked it.
Does this answer your question?
- No-go. I like new Geoff.
- You like new Geoff?
New Geoff is hot.
Good luck to you both.
ADAM: As new Geoff
wasn't backing down,
our bus full of kids
and lame chaperones
was pulling up to Hersheypark.
You know what those
chocolate-kiss streetlamps mean.
We're here!
ADAM: It was a brutal start.
But once the bus parked, we
were free to explore Chocolate World
without our lame-ass parent...
Oh, balls! They're back again!
I don't get it.
You said you cut your
parents off from chaperoning.
I did, but last night,
my mom wrote me
this heart-breaking
eight-page letter, and I caved.
Same here. My dad even
circled his tears on the paper.
My mom did the
same thing. Listen:
"And when I literally die
from the disappointment,
- please do not visit my grave site."
- "Visit my grave site."
Let me see those letters.
Look! They're all the same.
See? My mom also has a hole
in her heart the shape of me.
My mom has that
same kid-shaped hole.
This can only be the
work of one woman.
Beverly Goldberg.
What are we gonna do, man?
I can't ever read another one of
these. I cried in my mom's bosom.
Her bosom!
I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna rise up
against this reign of guilt
and take back what is ours.
Chocolatier, we need
chocolate-scented stationery, stat.
Time to give our parents
a taste of their own guilt.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Hit the showers or
generously spray on deodorant.
Schwartz, got a bunch of scoop
balls that need scooping, so have at it.
- No, man, I'm good.
- Excuse me?
I'm tired of being Mr. Pushover
who always scoops the scoop balls.
As leader of the JTP,
I say Andy does it.
Hey! He's not the leader of the
JTP. You don't have to do that, Andy.
- But Geoff said I should.
- I say Geoff scoops the scoop balls.
- You scoop them!
- I'm not scooping no scoop balls!
- Somebody scoop the scoop balls!
- I'll scoop the scoop balls.
Don't you dare
scoop the scoop balls!
Fine, you'll all scoop
the scoop balls!
Or better yet, ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪,
why don't you scoop my ♪♪♪♪♪!
[♪♪♪]
Never in all my years
in the "gymanatorial" arts
have I ever been so
blatantly disrespected.
I expected more from you.
Anything to say before I
decide your punishment?
Yeah. Why am I here?
The kid's got his
own dad, call him.
Yeah, but he's busy,
and he'll be so mad.
But I'm busy and I'm mad.
You're mad? My jaw
is seizing up with anger.
Dang it, Rick. You gotta chew
some Gatorgum like a grown man
and calm the heck
down. Follow me.
MURRAY: Aw, jeez.
What's wrong with you?
You're the one who
set me on this new path.
We both agreed I'm
not involved in this.
Saying you're not involved
doesn't make you not involved.
I got my own idiot
kids to worry about.
And you got a great dad
who wants you to be a doctor.
You're the only one who let me be
me, and now even you're taking it back.
Thanks for nothing.
ADAM: It was time for us to taste
sweet revenge on our chaperone parents.
- 'Sup?
- 'Sup yourselves?
Uh, it is our job as chaperones
to make sure you stay safe,
and that extends to
sugar consumption.
Then it's a good thing we no longer
accept you as school chaperones.
"Mother, I have clearly failed
as a son." What the hell is this?
It's a guilt letter! Like the ones
you taught your friends to write.
- They know!
- You know?
- We all know.
- Chad Hayward Kremp, please.
- Think of me lying in my grave site.
- That's my line.
What she said, but
for me in my grave site.
Sorry, ladies, and Vinny.
This field-slash-guilt
trip is over.
We had an agreement.
You were supposed to write your
own letters, but then you copy mine?
I tried to write my own,
I just couldn't be a scathing
guilt monster like you.
We're gonna head out
to Chocolate Town, USA.
Enjoy waiting on
the boiling-hot bus.
[♪♪♪]
This is not the bus!
I'm not riding my first
roller-coaster with my mom.
We need to talk
about your letter.
You're the one who's
manipulated me for years,
and is that creaking normal?
Because you were
shutting me out of your life...
- And we keep climbing.
- Of course I shut you out, I'm a teenager.
- And this is higher than I thought.
- Hold my hand.
- Let Mama protect you.
- Please, I'm gonna be just fine!
I'm gonna die!
[SHOUTING]
I am so angry and upside-down!
Where's the ground?
Aah! I was dead just
now! I'm so scared!
I'm loving every
moment of the...
[BEVERLY WAILS]
Help. We need
the coaster police.
Where am I?!
[SCREAMING]
I'm so furious,
but I forget why!
[SHOUTING]
BEVERLY: I'm blind! I am blind!
- So are we good? Did we resolve this?
- Maybe. I don't know anything anymore!
Yes, I agree,
and I love you too.
ADAM: Even though I blacked
out from terror, I was still fired up.
Adam, wait.
[♪♪♪]
I've given you four hours
of bus ride to cool off.
Trust me, that's
not nearly enough.
Okay, maybe it was a mistake
for me to force my way on this trip.
Of course it was.
My God, every other parent was
fine not to chaperone. Why not you?
Adam, when you were
little, I was your everything.
I'd hold your hand when
I'd walk you into school,
and you'd cry when I left.
Now when you walk through that
door in the morning, you're just gone.
- And when you come home, I get nothing.
- I tell you stuff.
Please, at best, I get a "meh."
That's why I write the letters.
So I can hear
more. Hear anything.
Okay, then.
I promise to give you
more than a "meh,"
if you promise to stop with
your crazy mom manifestos.
Guess I could cut back a little.
With you. I still have hurtful
things to say to Barry and Erica.
ADAM: That day, me and my
mom were finally seeing eye-to-eye.
And my dad decided to help
someone see things more clearly.
If you're here for a
discounted eye exam, forget it.
Not today. I just thought
maybe we could talk.
What's to talk about? Geoff was
in trouble and called you, not me.
I'm far from the kind of guy who
should be giving parenting advice,
but I have learned you can't
plan your kid's life for him.
It's just always been my dream
for him to follow in my footsteps.
I get it, but is it his dream?
I guess not.
For what it's worth, whatever
Geoff does with his life,
I know he's gonna be
amazing at it. He's a good egg.
Tell you the truth, your
son's not so bad either.
Barry?
LOU: He's fantastic
with the patients.
- Kid's gonna be a hell of a doctor.
- Maybe.
But I don't wanna get involved.
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
I see you're back to
folding my sweaters.
Yeah, the whole, uh, new
Geoff thing, it's just not who I am.
You don't know who
you are, and that's okay
- because I don't know either.
- You've got it all figured out.
I have no idea what I'll
end up doing with my life.
All I can do is follow my heart.
And I love seeing you
finally doing the same.
Ahem. Sorry to interrupt. I
wanted a word with Geoffrey.
Dad, I don't wanna hear
about how I let you down.
Doesn't matter what I think.
It's your life, and I want it to
be whatever you want it to be.
- So long as it's not furniture.
- Oh, God, no.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ Like no one else ♪
Boofaloo. How was your day?
Meh.
♪ And I can't help myself ♪
Actually, it was really good.
You wanna hear about it?
♪ She drives me crazy ♪♪
ADAM: When we're kids, it's natural
to want to shut your parents out,
but once you start opening up,
you realize it can be pretty sweet.
[♪♪♪]
Bev, I have one of
your actual letters,
and it's a smooth...
12 pages. Ha-ha.
They've told me they
don't read the letters.
I don't believe them because
here's a letter that's 20 years old,
and my son Adam still saved it.
"Not only am I ashamed to
have such a cruel, selfish son,
but I may never sleep again
knowing how I have failed as a mother."
A little guilt doesn't
hurt. What can I tell you?
nothing better than the school field trip,
that rare opportunity to skip classes
and head out on an adventure.
Yep, field trips were the best.
Boofaloo, come play I Spy!
ADAM: Unfortunately, my
smother was always there.
I spy a handsome schmendrick
I'm gonna squeeze all
the way to the Liberty Bell.
ADAM: And this time, our trip was
low on education and high on fun.
We were going to Hersheypark!
I can't believe we're finally
going to Hershey, Pennsylvania!
I hear the air there
smells like chocolate.
I hear the streets are
paved with nougat.
When you're over 5 feet tall,
you're considered a Twizzler.
It means we can go on any ride.
Well, we can go on any ride.
Your mom always chaperones,
and there's no way she'll let you
loose into Chocolate Town without her.
It's your own fault.
The rest of us forced our parents
to stop chaperoning years ago.
All you gotta do is lay
down some clear boundaries.
Oh.
Oh. Is that all I gotta do? Huh.
I didn't know it was so easy!
Thank you, clueless Chad.
- You're mean when it involves your mom.
- My mom needs these field trips.
It's the only school-sanctioned
opportunity she has left
to painfully insert
herself into my life.
Well, I told my mom, "No more!
Dave Kim is a grown-up who doesn't
need his mommy on some field trip.
Now sign my permission
slip and lay out my clothes."
- That would never work for Adam.
- This ends today.
I've waited my whole life to
eat 8 pounds of chocolate,
then ride crazy
roller-coasters till I hork.
I'm a man now and
shall not be controlled.
It's time I finally face Beverly
Goldberg once and for all.
- You're gonna lie to her.
- Right to her face.
What?
Hersheypark has been
closed and our trip is off.
Why are they trying to ruin
our precious time together?
The chocolate wars. You
didn't hear about it on the news?
I don't watch the news.
It aggravates your father till
he throws his shoe at the TV.
It's those fudge barons
at Nestlé megacorp.
They declared an all-out
war on Mr. Goodbar,
- so they shut down the amusement park.
- Screw those chocolate warmongers.
I just made a fresh batch of
ooey-gooey fudgy chewies.
These always cheer you up.
[♪♪♪]
Wow. He's good.
Maybe the best.
[♪♪♪]
♪ I'm twisted up inside But
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪
ADAM: It was October
17th, 1980-something,
the night of the annual career
fair at William Penn Academy.
Hello, everyone, and
welcome to Career Night.
- [COUGHING] No
one cares. ALL: Ha-ha.
Well, the joke's on
you, mysterious cougher.
The path that you choose tonight
will determine the rest of your lives.
The rest of our lives? That
sounds pretty permanent.
Lucky for you, you have your
old man's noble profession
of ophthalmology
pre-selected for you.
You're so lucky.
I have tons of questions about
doctoring, Mr. Dr. Geoff's Dad.
Okay, I see how passionate
you are about medicine,
come by the office and
see for yourself what I do.
I call eyeball-holder when
you do a head transplant. Boom!
I know that's not real science,
but I'm still gonna take a walk.
[♪♪♪]
How's it going?
My rock star booth
is an obvious sham,
but I'm broke and they got
free food, so going good. You?
My dad's pushing me into
the eyeball game, so gross.
You're at a career night.
If eye-doctoring skeeves
you out, go find another job.
What? No. I love the human eye,
all squishy with its veins and
mysterious, disgusting rings.
- Are you gonna hurl?
- I might.
Hey, you.
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
The kid who ate my corn
on the cob. Come here!
That was two years ago. How is that
the only thing he remembers about me?
- He likes his corn.
- Why is your dad even here?
He finds idiots to move heavy
crap for free and calls them interns.
[SIGHS]
How would you
feel about interning
in the exciting world of new
and recycled furniture sales?
- Um... Maybe.
- You're hired.
And by "hired," I'm
not actually paying you.
Geoff! Get back to the booth.
This man's being very disrespectful
to my anatomical eye models.
Check it out, I'm putting
a giant eye in my pants.
[♪♪♪]
Chaperones, we'll meet
here at 8 a.m. sharp
to hit the Hershey
Highway before it clogs up.
ALL: Ha-ha. MELLOR:
All right, grow up.
What the hell? What
happened to our PTA meeting?
We got bumped. Mellor's
talking to the field trip chaperones.
Field trip? Doesn't he know
the amusement park is closed?
What, the park is closed?
Hello! Nestlé pulled out
of the Cocoa Accords.
There's been a travel advisory.
Nonessential personnel must steer clear.
Uh, Beverly, none of
your insane words are true.
That's not possible. Adam swore
Reese's was literally blown to pieces.
Exactly. You're the last person in
the world he wants on a field trip.
But chaperoning is the one thing
I'm still allowed to be a part of.
Just feel lucky you
made it to 10th grade.
Jackie cut me off in eighth
grade. Independence Hall.
Sixth grade. Freedom Trail.
Fifth grade. Ben Franklin Museum.
Dave Kim told me to go fly a kite.
For me it was third grade.
My Emmy is garbage.
Those field trips are my only
window into Adam's day-to-day life.
Without them, how am I supposed
to know how he's doing in school?
You could just ask him
when he comes home?
Please. Whenever I ask
about his day, all I get is: "meh."
Oh, you get actual sounds? I
just get soul-destroying silence.
You may all be fine
with a frosty-cold "meh"
at the end of your day,
but not Beverly Goldberg.
Coach, put me
down for chaperone.
But your son made it clear
you're the worst and you can't go.
Lucky for me, I have a way to get
Adam to say yes to whatever I want.
ADAM: It was
true, she really did.
Before parents could guilt their
kids through texts or e-mails,
my mom used the guilt letter.
These passive-aggressive tirades
of manipulation were a true art form.
And if her words didn't get to you,
the mom tears on the letter sure would.
Balls!
[♪♪♪]
I gotta admit it, you're the
best pretend intern I've had yet.
I didn't realize how cool
it was to run a business.
Your dad runs a whole
eye-doctoring business.
But in our business, if we mess up,
people will never see their children again.
Worst I can do here
is stain a love seat.
I don't wanna get involved
between you and your old man.
Mostly because I don't care.
But if eyes freak you
out, I wouldn't do eyes.
What would I do with my
life if not eye-doctoring?
I'm not involved, but do
what makes you happy
instead of being
such a pushover.
I know you're not involved, but
I'm rethinking my entire future.
Why don't you think about it
while you bring that heavy-ass
end table to the back room.
[BELL DINGS]
Okay, you can take your son back
now. He's been shadowing me all day.
I learned so much, Dr. Lou said
I don't have to go back tomorrow.
- Or ever again. We'll play it by ear.
- Oh, crap, it's my dad. Hello, Father.
Where were you? There
was an outbreak of pink eye.
- So gunky, bro.
- Ew, bummed I missed it. Ew.
Uh, I was learning
about furniture, here.
You spent the day learning
another man's trade?
Murray, how can you
betray me like this?
No betrayal, I'm not involved.
The only business you need to
know is the one I'm handing to you.
Mr. G got me thinking that
maybe I don't want it, right?
Not involved.
Don't want it? What's
he talking about, Murray?
- All I know is this mentor of mine...
- Not involved!
Told me to stick up
for myself, so I'll say it.
- Not involved!
- I hereby reject
all professional doctoring
and modern medicine!
What are you gonna do
with your life? Furniture sales?
Not involved!
I'd rather do
anything than eyes!
Maybe computers, or fitness,
or maybe I'll just start my
own food delivery service.
He wants to do food delivery
instead of helping people see?
Not involved! Gah!
ADAM: Yep, all my dad wanted
was to stay out of Geoff's business.
Meanwhile, my mom had successfully
guilted her way back into mine.
Hi, Mama. I just wanted
to say sorry and all.
- For?
- "For being a bad son,
and not appreciating the time
you spent baking me in your belly."
- How will you make it up to me?
- Maybe you can chaperone the field trip?
I'll have to move some
things around, but I'll be there.
Now go, be a boy!
ADAM: My mom had
guilted me into submission.
But even better, she
impressed her friends.
- I don't understand. How?
- I can't tell you that.
You get to participate in Adam's school
life as he frolics about with friends
while the rest of us
stay home and suck it?
I'm sorry, Dave Kim's mom, I can't
risk something this huge getting out.
I give you my word as a parent
and as an esteemed teacher,
- I will say nothing.
- [WHISPERS] Same here.
- Ditto.
- [WHISPERS] Agreed.
Meet me in my
basement at 1600 hours.
Take separate cars,
don't let anyone follow you,
and do not park on our street.
You're about to learn Beverly
Goldberg's biggest secret.
Hey, why you guys
looking all shady right now?
- Nothing.
- No big secrets here.
- We're normal.
- All good.
Carry on.
[♪♪♪]
ADAM: The time had come for
my mom to teach her fellow parents
a master class in the
art of manipulation.
What I am about to show you is
the most lethal and powerful weapon
in a yenta's arsenal.
The guilt letter.
- You wrote eight pages on
both sides? BEVERLY: Yes.
Everything you're about to hear
has been written by Beverly Goldberg
and sent to her children.
This is all real.
"Adam, I gave birth to
you, fed and nurtured you,
dried your tears and made
you the center of my universe.
But the way you treated me
today makes me regret it all."
You really wrote this?
Again, every word
is 100 percent true.
"I don't know another
human being on this earth
who would treat
their parent this way,
especially four weeks
before Mother's Day."
- That's how you started an actual letter?
- Oh, sweet, stupid Vincent Geary.
The opening is everything.
I call it the guilt grabber.
Oh. I gotta write this down.
Wait. You can't
just copy what I say.
Once I teach you the basic structure,
you have to find your own spiteful voice.
- You have a whole structure?
- Of course I do.
Now, after the guilt grabber,
you deliver your emotionally
devastating thesis,
wherein you single them out
as the most ungrateful child
the world has ever known.
"Not only am I ashamed to
have such a cruel, selfish son,
but I may never sleep again
knowing how I failed as a mother."
My God, who writes this?
Literally me, no joke.
Next comes the body,
in which you present
the many hurtful specifics
that demonstrate how much
you've sacrificed for your baby.
"I haven't slept since you were
born and gave my whole life to you.
Not once did I focus on myself.
I could have been a lawyer."
Again, something I
actually wrote to my children.
Finally, we have the closer, where
you remind your children that they,
and they alone, are
responsible for your early demise.
- Wow.
- I know, Serry Mirsky.
You finally have the tool to
shame Emmy into being perfect,
like class valedictorian
Aliza Goren.
She'll never be Aliza Goren.
Beverly, these crazy guilt
letters are a game-changer.
Thank you for this
amazing, hateful gift.
You truly are a
genius of our time.
It's so nice to finally
be recognized. Heh.
Quick, give me your
paper. Let's not waste these.
[♪♪♪]
Your father ruined my son.
Geoffrey said he wanted to go
to a liberal arts college like
Vassar, where he could find himself.
But you've mapped out
the next 10 years of his life,
which ends in him
taking over your practice.
All I ever wanted was an apprentice
who cares, but now there's no one.
Geoff is as blind as a patient who
needs a penetrating keratoplasty.
I know. You rearranged
the entire filing system,
and my apprentice wasn't
even here to see that.
This is worse than that one patient
who had the viral eye infection.
Which I missed, and you
pointed out. Thanks for that.
Enough is enough.
You need an apprentice.
This is shameful.
- I want the old Geoff back!
- And you'll get him back!
As leader of the JTP, he
has to do exactly what I say.
You will do exactly
what I say, Schwartz.
- No.
- No?
- No.
- No?
Since when does he say no?
Since I'm done being
the doormat of the JTP.
But that's your role.
Each friendship group has a
doormat, a leader, a naked one,
a tiny pocket-man, and
a lame Matt Bradley.
I'm done being the doormat.
I hereby change the structure
of the JTP as we know it.
You can't change that. It's
the structure of friendship!
Oh, it's changed but good.
As the new leader, I demand
a piece of your Gatorgum.
There's only one man here
who needs Gatorade magically
injected into their gum, and it's me.
[♪♪♪]
Dang. Geoff just swiped
some of Barry's Gatorgum.
Oh. The Gatorgum is totally replacing
the salts and minerals in Geoff's legs.
No! Stop hydrating with my
Gatorgum. Those are my electrolytes!
He just quenched his
thirst with Barry's Gatorgum.
- Geoff is our leader now.
- Damn right I am.
I'm so fired up, I'm gonna cut
science and run around the park.
With no clear objective?
That's crazy, dude.
No, it's new Geoff. JTP!
ALL: JTP!
New Geoff is exciting.
Yeah. That science lab
was 30 percent of our grade,
- but new Geoff don't care.
- And this is an act of war.
It's time I unleash my sister.
[♪♪♪]
- I wanted to...
- Barry sent you, didn't he?
Yeah. He charged in the
kitchen all sweaty and angry,
and I said I'd come in
here just to get rid of him.
Why don't you go tell Barry
that new Geoff is here to stay.
I'm really not in the loop,
so what's happening?
The new me refuses to be
bossed around by his dad,
his friends, and
quite frankly, you.
- Me? I'm part of this now?
- Yeah.
- I'm tired of folding your sweaters.
- But I thought you liked it.
Does this answer your question?
- No-go. I like new Geoff.
- You like new Geoff?
New Geoff is hot.
Good luck to you both.
ADAM: As new Geoff
wasn't backing down,
our bus full of kids
and lame chaperones
was pulling up to Hersheypark.
You know what those
chocolate-kiss streetlamps mean.
We're here!
ADAM: It was a brutal start.
But once the bus parked, we
were free to explore Chocolate World
without our lame-ass parent...
Oh, balls! They're back again!
I don't get it.
You said you cut your
parents off from chaperoning.
I did, but last night,
my mom wrote me
this heart-breaking
eight-page letter, and I caved.
Same here. My dad even
circled his tears on the paper.
My mom did the
same thing. Listen:
"And when I literally die
from the disappointment,
- please do not visit my grave site."
- "Visit my grave site."
Let me see those letters.
Look! They're all the same.
See? My mom also has a hole
in her heart the shape of me.
My mom has that
same kid-shaped hole.
This can only be the
work of one woman.
Beverly Goldberg.
What are we gonna do, man?
I can't ever read another one of
these. I cried in my mom's bosom.
Her bosom!
I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna rise up
against this reign of guilt
and take back what is ours.
Chocolatier, we need
chocolate-scented stationery, stat.
Time to give our parents
a taste of their own guilt.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Hit the showers or
generously spray on deodorant.
Schwartz, got a bunch of scoop
balls that need scooping, so have at it.
- No, man, I'm good.
- Excuse me?
I'm tired of being Mr. Pushover
who always scoops the scoop balls.
As leader of the JTP,
I say Andy does it.
Hey! He's not the leader of the
JTP. You don't have to do that, Andy.
- But Geoff said I should.
- I say Geoff scoops the scoop balls.
- You scoop them!
- I'm not scooping no scoop balls!
- Somebody scoop the scoop balls!
- I'll scoop the scoop balls.
Don't you dare
scoop the scoop balls!
Fine, you'll all scoop
the scoop balls!
Or better yet, ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪,
why don't you scoop my ♪♪♪♪♪!
[♪♪♪]
Never in all my years
in the "gymanatorial" arts
have I ever been so
blatantly disrespected.
I expected more from you.
Anything to say before I
decide your punishment?
Yeah. Why am I here?
The kid's got his
own dad, call him.
Yeah, but he's busy,
and he'll be so mad.
But I'm busy and I'm mad.
You're mad? My jaw
is seizing up with anger.
Dang it, Rick. You gotta chew
some Gatorgum like a grown man
and calm the heck
down. Follow me.
MURRAY: Aw, jeez.
What's wrong with you?
You're the one who
set me on this new path.
We both agreed I'm
not involved in this.
Saying you're not involved
doesn't make you not involved.
I got my own idiot
kids to worry about.
And you got a great dad
who wants you to be a doctor.
You're the only one who let me be
me, and now even you're taking it back.
Thanks for nothing.
ADAM: It was time for us to taste
sweet revenge on our chaperone parents.
- 'Sup?
- 'Sup yourselves?
Uh, it is our job as chaperones
to make sure you stay safe,
and that extends to
sugar consumption.
Then it's a good thing we no longer
accept you as school chaperones.
"Mother, I have clearly failed
as a son." What the hell is this?
It's a guilt letter! Like the ones
you taught your friends to write.
- They know!
- You know?
- We all know.
- Chad Hayward Kremp, please.
- Think of me lying in my grave site.
- That's my line.
What she said, but
for me in my grave site.
Sorry, ladies, and Vinny.
This field-slash-guilt
trip is over.
We had an agreement.
You were supposed to write your
own letters, but then you copy mine?
I tried to write my own,
I just couldn't be a scathing
guilt monster like you.
We're gonna head out
to Chocolate Town, USA.
Enjoy waiting on
the boiling-hot bus.
[♪♪♪]
This is not the bus!
I'm not riding my first
roller-coaster with my mom.
We need to talk
about your letter.
You're the one who's
manipulated me for years,
and is that creaking normal?
Because you were
shutting me out of your life...
- And we keep climbing.
- Of course I shut you out, I'm a teenager.
- And this is higher than I thought.
- Hold my hand.
- Let Mama protect you.
- Please, I'm gonna be just fine!
I'm gonna die!
[SHOUTING]
I am so angry and upside-down!
Where's the ground?
Aah! I was dead just
now! I'm so scared!
I'm loving every
moment of the...
[BEVERLY WAILS]
Help. We need
the coaster police.
Where am I?!
[SCREAMING]
I'm so furious,
but I forget why!
[SHOUTING]
BEVERLY: I'm blind! I am blind!
- So are we good? Did we resolve this?
- Maybe. I don't know anything anymore!
Yes, I agree,
and I love you too.
ADAM: Even though I blacked
out from terror, I was still fired up.
Adam, wait.
[♪♪♪]
I've given you four hours
of bus ride to cool off.
Trust me, that's
not nearly enough.
Okay, maybe it was a mistake
for me to force my way on this trip.
Of course it was.
My God, every other parent was
fine not to chaperone. Why not you?
Adam, when you were
little, I was your everything.
I'd hold your hand when
I'd walk you into school,
and you'd cry when I left.
Now when you walk through that
door in the morning, you're just gone.
- And when you come home, I get nothing.
- I tell you stuff.
Please, at best, I get a "meh."
That's why I write the letters.
So I can hear
more. Hear anything.
Okay, then.
I promise to give you
more than a "meh,"
if you promise to stop with
your crazy mom manifestos.
Guess I could cut back a little.
With you. I still have hurtful
things to say to Barry and Erica.
ADAM: That day, me and my
mom were finally seeing eye-to-eye.
And my dad decided to help
someone see things more clearly.
If you're here for a
discounted eye exam, forget it.
Not today. I just thought
maybe we could talk.
What's to talk about? Geoff was
in trouble and called you, not me.
I'm far from the kind of guy who
should be giving parenting advice,
but I have learned you can't
plan your kid's life for him.
It's just always been my dream
for him to follow in my footsteps.
I get it, but is it his dream?
I guess not.
For what it's worth, whatever
Geoff does with his life,
I know he's gonna be
amazing at it. He's a good egg.
Tell you the truth, your
son's not so bad either.
Barry?
LOU: He's fantastic
with the patients.
- Kid's gonna be a hell of a doctor.
- Maybe.
But I don't wanna get involved.
♪ She drives me crazy ♪
I see you're back to
folding my sweaters.
Yeah, the whole, uh, new
Geoff thing, it's just not who I am.
You don't know who
you are, and that's okay
- because I don't know either.
- You've got it all figured out.
I have no idea what I'll
end up doing with my life.
All I can do is follow my heart.
And I love seeing you
finally doing the same.
Ahem. Sorry to interrupt. I
wanted a word with Geoffrey.
Dad, I don't wanna hear
about how I let you down.
Doesn't matter what I think.
It's your life, and I want it to
be whatever you want it to be.
- So long as it's not furniture.
- Oh, God, no.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ Like no one else ♪
Boofaloo. How was your day?
Meh.
♪ And I can't help myself ♪
Actually, it was really good.
You wanna hear about it?
♪ She drives me crazy ♪♪
ADAM: When we're kids, it's natural
to want to shut your parents out,
but once you start opening up,
you realize it can be pretty sweet.
[♪♪♪]
Bev, I have one of
your actual letters,
and it's a smooth...
12 pages. Ha-ha.
They've told me they
don't read the letters.
I don't believe them because
here's a letter that's 20 years old,
and my son Adam still saved it.
"Not only am I ashamed to
have such a cruel, selfish son,
but I may never sleep again
knowing how I have failed as a mother."
A little guilt doesn't
hurt. What can I tell you?