The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Breakfast Club - full transcript

As a new school year begins, the Goldberg kids end up in Saturday detention.

Ah! The Breakfast Club...

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Truly the ultimate
teen movie of the '80s.

Ooh, ooh

Every high school
clique was represented.

The geeks, the jocks,

the loners, the Molly Ringwalds.

It showed us that if we'd
sit and talk in a circle of trust,

we could all be friends.

Won't you come see about me?

Of course, that
didn't apply to me.

I was a freshman.

High school meant
I had a clean slate.

The movie inspired
me to reinvent myself.

I am the coolest freshman alive.

I wasn't.

But, damn it, Judd Nelson
sure taught me how to be.

What the hell is this?

Why aren't you moving?

Stop it!

Start moving your body!

And lucky for me,

I had a big older bro and
sis who would help me out.

Why do you have
so many outfits on?

Yeah, you look like a hobo
who lives in a dumpster

behind a Burlington
Coat Factory.

It's my new look.

I'm locking in who I'm gonna
be for the next four years.

Did you cut the fingers off
of my lace Madonna gloves?

Now they're fingerless
tough-guy gloves with some lace.

Okay, here's how
this year's gonna work.

During school hours,
you will not walk, talk,

or breathe anywhere near us.

Well, what if I need you guys?

You definitely will,
but we won't be there.

Thing is, I'm a senior now,

so my focus will be on being super
popular and making terrible mistakes

that will greatly
affect my future.

And as one of the
school's top jocks,

I'll be knocking the
books out of your hands.

You're not the school's top
anything! This is madness!

Is it? This year, I'm
joining the varsity wrestling,

basketball, and cross-country.

Cross-country? Since
when can you run far or fast?

Oh, I run. I run plenty.

Yeah, your weird Barry run.

Are you crazy? I
don't run like that.

I run like this.

Yeah, it's probably best that both
of you stay away from me this year.

Schmoopaloos, exciting news!

We need to have a little talk.

Stop running. Eyes on me.

Remember how I
told you all summer

I was taking a painting class to
help give my life a sense of purpose?

- No.
- Who paints what?

You people don't
listen to a word I say.

And I would be deeply
hurt if it wasn't all a total lie.

I was taking a course for
this. It's my teaching certificate.

- For what?
- For substitute teaching!

- For where?
- High school!

- For which high school?
- Yours!

This... isn't happening!

That's right. You're gonna be
seeing a whole lot more of Mama.

Oh, balls!

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I feel anger in my body!

See, that's it.
That's the Barry run.

Hey, hey, hey, hey

It was September
3rd, 1980-something,

the night before school started,

and our worst nightmare
had become reality.

Question. What does
this sweater say to you?


That's exactly
what I was going for.

Look at you. A real teacher.

While this might
have begun as a way

for me to inappropriately
track my children's every move,

- it's given me a renewed sense of purpose.
- I'm thrilled.

You're always marching down
there to make trouble anyhow.

Might as well get
some money for it.

Also, you're supporting the
most important woman in your life.

Sure! Why not?

Hey! What do you think?

How does Professor
Goldberg look?

Mom, you're not a professor.

Well, then why do I have
a PhD in nose boops?

Boop, boop, boop! Ha!

See you in the
halls, delicious pupils.

Excuse us, Father. We
hate to interrupt your evening,

but we would like to borrow a brief
moment of your valuable personal time.

What the hell's going on?

You morons always come in
screaming when you want something.

It's true. This energy
is very unnerving.

Shouting at you has produced
poor results in the past,

and at this moment,
our lives are at stake.

Which is why we came to you

as calm, mature, young
adults to talk this out rationally.

Even Barry? Seems unlikely.


Since you're asking so politely,

I'll wait before I say no.

We need to discuss Mom's new
position at William Penn Academy.

As you know, children need healthy walls
between their academic and home lives.

And, if I may add...

Mom is a monster
that must be stopped!

- No, Barry!
- You promised!

Sorry! Sorry.

Well, the answer's no.
Have a good school year.

So, may I?

- Go to town.
- Do your thing.

Whoa, what's going on here?

You make Mom quit or I will
knock everything over you love,

starting with these thin books!

What are you doing?
You're scaring the dog!

I am throwing candies in anger!

Ooh. Went too
hot too fast. Here.

I need like five hours
to recharge my anger.

Hello, and welcome,
William Penn Academy.

Thrilled to be back for
what's shaping up to be

the most exciting
school year with...

Oh, crap! She's already here!

Just get to class!

My God, lady.

It's the first minute
of the school year.


Oh, Earl. I'm not here to
beat you into submission.

I'm here to teach.

I'm sorry. Teach?

Yes. I got certified
over the summer.

I'm on your list of subs.

I am unaware of any such list.

Here it is.

See? There's my name right there. I put
it there myself. Right at the top. See it?

- See it? See?
- Uh-huh. Yeah. I see.

- See?
- I see it.

- See? Yay!
- I see it, damn it!

So, where do you need me, boss?

Thing is, it is the
first day of school

and all of my teachers
are here and healthy.

So, I will give you a
call as soon as never.

I get the sense you
don't want me here, Earl.

Oh, good!

Thanks for reading all
the obvious social cues.

You're not seeing
the big picture, boss.

You're gonna need me one
day, and you know where I'll be?

- Please don't say here.
- Here. Waiting.

Like a panther. A
panther who teaches.

Please don't wait like
a teaching panther.

Oh, I'll wait but good,

'cause you never know
when one of your teachers

might get sick or
have a nasty accident.

- Please don't hurt anybody.
- See you soon.

As my mom was
anxious to get teaching,

I was about to teach my
best friends a lesson in cool.

Welcome back, gentlemen.

Whoa! What's
with all the jackets?

Yeah, man. Denim on flannel
on tweed? That looks swampy.

So swampy. But that's
the price of being a badass.

Wait. What's with your jacket?

Clean slate, bro.

This year, I'm reinventing myself
as a badass greaser like Fonzie.

Already got the hair.

Fonzie doesn't have a bowl cut.

And why are you
in so much purple?

I'm reinventing myself to
be a sexy badass like Prince.

We can't all reinvent ourselves
as badasses. This is not good.

No one knows us here!
We can be anything we want!

Hey, look. It's the jacket gang.

It's true! They're
all wearing jackets!

It's what defines them.

Later, jacket jerks.

- Oh, no.
- We've been mislabeled.

Take 'em off! Take 'em off!

It's too late. We can't be
seen together till next semester.

Enjoy the holidays!

Erica! I need your help.

No, no, no! We had an agreement!

Dude, you're super sweaty.

I committed to this look
before I checked the weather.

Please. I need help.

I'm a senior.

I don't have time for any
drama, especially yours.

Speaking of drama, what
about Geoff Schwartz?

Who cares about that tool?

I mean, sure, he loved me his
whole life and I foolishly blew him off.

But now Geoff's with
Evy, which is great,

'cause I can focus on my year of
awesome and really get out there.

Crap. Here they come.

Close the door.
Close the metal door.

Slam it in my
face. I can take it.

Please tell me they're gone.

Make a hole, people!

Peak physical champions
coming through.

Check this out, fellas. Boom!

Whoa! What are you doing, man?

That's not how you welcome
somebody to our school.

But we're jocks.

We're student athletes, bro.
Leaders on and off the field.

Have a good year, little man.

Wait up! I love nerds! Just...

I'll punch someone else.
Just tell me who to punch.

Even though we were still
trying to find our place at school,

our mom was
feeling right at home.

Oh... The teachers' lounge!

Oh! So beautiful.

I'm home.

Well, well, well.
The rumors are true.

Hello, Andre.


I've been waiting for this
moment a long, long time.

Thank you so much. I've
worked really hard to get here.

Not to support you.

- To destroy you!
- What?

Well, maybe not destroy,
but to be cold and distant.

Doesn't really come
naturally to me.

I'm really a people
person. Everybody says so.

But after all the times you
made the teachers' lives hell,

did you really think that we were
gonna accept you as one of us?

It wasn't personal.

I was just doing my
job as Mama Bear.

Well, the bear's
got no claws now.

That's right! We got the claws!


Let me do the talking, Bruce.

I'm afraid only real teachers are
welcome in the teachers' lounge.

And you're not one of us.

So, where am I
supposed to eat lunch?

The cafeteria. That's
where all the subs eat.

All the subs and that
new music teacher

who wants all the students
to think that he's one of them.

Yeah, I had a band
once, too, Cody.

Point is, get out!

That day, my mom
wasn't the only one

searching for a
place to eat her lunch.

Stupid Geoff and Evy,

ruining the cool table with their
love and unsanitary food play.

Now I've got nowhere to sit.

I'm the one who needs
to find the right table,

'cause where I sit will define
me for the next four years.

It's just like The
Breakfast Club.

Look at the cliques,

the cheerleaders, the
burners, the band geeks,

the Mom?

Hey, kids! Over here!

Come sit with your mother!

- Oh, balls, balls, balls.
- Son of a...

Um, your mom's here.

We know. We see her.

Yoo-hoo! Can you see me?

She's waving very clearly at us.

I'm your mama! I pushed
you out of my swimsuit area!

Barry didn't want the jocks to see him
screaming uncontrollably at his mother.

I've got grapes.

So he sent me over to
talk some sense into her.

Let's just go before
this gets worse.

Well, park your
cute little tushies.

I'm having a terrible first day.

I can't sit with
my mom at lunch.

I'm already the
sweaty jacket kid.

It would ruin any
shred of cool I have left.

Forgive me, Mrs. G., but
Barry wants you to know quote,

"Get out, you monster!

"Get out through that
window, right now!"

If you don't sit at this table,

then I have failed as a
mother and an educator.

You are not an educator! You are
just a crazy lady in a worm sweater!

Okay, you are walking on very
dangerous ground right now.

This worm is the
only child I have left.

No one wants your sweater,
and no one wants you!

Goldbergs, please!

What on Earth is
going on over here?

I'll tell you what's
going on, Earl.

You have some very mean,
disrespectful children at this school.

Well, they're your children.

Tell them what happens to a student
when they sass-mouth a teacher.

They get Saturday detention.

Why don't you tell her
what happens to a teacher

who abuses her power?

Teachers get fired.

Oh, my God. Earl,
write a detention.

It's not that hard!

Whoa, whoa! Everyone,
go back to your lunches!

Not okay. Not okay.

What's not okay is you haven't
told the blonde lady to hit the bricks!

Yeah, man! Do your job!

Barry was hoping you'd step
in and wanted to add quote,

"Grow some plums!"

Okay, listen. You kids
cannot talk to me that way,

'cause now you really do
have Saturday detention.

- What?
- No!

How am I in trouble? I'm
just Barry's messenger.

Well, then deliver this one.

I expect to see
him Saturday, too.

So much for my year of awesome!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

I officially give up,

and not just because my
mom invaded my school,

but because I suck at love
and I'm gonna die alone!

Forever alone!

Don't mind her.
She's a basket case.

Also, you're fired from
the job you never had.

Is it because I screamed out
a bad word in the cafeteria?

Sort of a grab bag of things.


It was 7:00 a.m.
Saturday morning,

and my dream of living The Breakfast
Club had become way too real.

Well, well. Here we are.

It is now 7:06.

You have exactly eight
hours and 54 minutes

to ponder the
error of your ways.

My office is right
across that hall.

Any monkey
business is ill-advised.

- Questions?
- I got a question.

Does Barry Manilow know
that you raid his wardrobe?

Well, aren't you nice?

I happen to be
quite the Fanilow.

No, it's from a movie.
It's what the cool kid does.

And he's gone.

Eight hours? This
is a nightmare.

No, it's not. It's just
like The Breakfast Club.

Think about it. We're
just like the characters.

Lainey's the popular
princess. Barry's the jock.

And Erica's Ally Sheedy, the
crazy, unstable basket case.

Hey! I'm just a little
depressed and unshowered

'cause I'm having a
few boy issues, and...

Shut up!

And I, of course, am
Bender, the troubled bad boy.

You're the nerd, nerd.
Everyone knows it.

- I am not the nerd.
- You're the nerd, dude.

Who are you, and
why are you here?

I'm Johnny Atkins,
and I'm always here.

So needlessly destructive.

That's such an Anthony
Michael Hall thing to say.

- Totally.
- Classic nerdery.

I am not the nerd.

I guess there'll just
be two bad boys.

Can't have two bad boys.

Okay. Babe, let's bail.

How? The only way
out is past Ball's office.

Or is it?

Again, this is just
like the movie.

No one cares about
the stupid movie!

Now help me into the
ceiling like in the movie!

While Barry was running
away from detention,

my mom was retreating
to what she knew best.

What's all this?

Oh, you know me.
Busy, busy, busy.

If I don't get dinner on
the table, nobody else will.

It's 8:00 in the morning.

She's in a tizzy. Help her.

Bevy, you do this
when you're upset.

Or happy.

But right now, upset.

I'm not upset. This
house is a mess

because I let that silly, little
teaching job get in the way,

but now I know this
is where I belong.

But that teaching job
meant so much to you.

Well, this family means
so much more to me.

Also, nobody from the
school wants me there.

That's not true.

Principal Ball literally
said, "I don't want you here."

Well, that could mean anything.

And the kids say
I ruined their lives.

They ruined ours,
too. It's the circle of life.

And the teachers hate my guts.

- Well, there's history there.
- And I got fired.

Well, they clearly don't want
you there, so that makes sense.

You're not good at this.

I just realized
I'm not a teacher.

I'm a mom.

I'm gonna go cheese-up some cod.

Seeing my mom abandon her dream,

my dad did the
unimaginable. He got involved.

We need to talk.

Oh, good.

First week wouldn't
seem complete

without uncomfortable quality
time with every Goldberg.

You need to let Beverly
be a teacher again.

The thing is, she
never was a teacher,

and she won't be as
long as I'm in charge.

I think you're looking
at this the wrong way.

If Beverly works for you, she no
longer comes here as a mother.

She's an employee.

Who's the boss of
all the employees?

I am.

That means she'd no longer
be your worst nightmare.

She'd be the worst nightmare
of anyone you want her to be.

That's a scary amount of power.

I think you unleash the power.

You give me the word,
and Beverly will be here.

Get on the horn
and make it happen.

I am taking my Saturdays back!

The harpsichord in our living
room has been silent for too long!

Hot dog!

I'll call my wife.

She's gonna be thrilled.

You stupid, stupid man!
How could you do this to me?

You were so sad!

I actually did
something good for once!

Seriously? Who marches down to the
school and makes unreasonable demands?

You do! All the time!

And who cares?

Earl said he wants you back.

Doesn't matter.

Even if Ball wants me
there, my own kids don't.

Well, who's gonna sit here all
day and watch these damn kids?

You wanted to get
involved? Get involved.

Aw, man.

I did not think this through.

I'm hungry, and my
thighs are so crampy.

Why didn't I just
go out the window?

While Barry was losing his way
in the intricate maze of air ducts,

we were losing our
minds from boredom.

I really need to shower.

All right, morons. Listen up.

Dad? Why are you here?

I've been put in charge.

Sweet. You're not a
teacher, so we can bail.

Oh! I'm worse than a
teacher. I'm your dad.

And that means, I can take away
everything you know and love.

Well, you're not my dad,
so I'm out of here, man.

That's fine. I don't
even know who that is.

The rest of you are gonna be writing
an essay of at least 1,000 words.

An essay that will bond us
together like in The Breakfast Club?

No. You're gonna write
nice things about your mom.

Make her feel like you
want her around all the time.

That's the opposite
of what we want.

Do it, morons!

The next time I come in
here, I'm cracking skulls!



Our Breakfast Club
was passing us by,

and I was getting desperate.

Guys, this is crazy.

The day's almost over
and we've yet to bond

or reveal our deepest secrets.

This isn't a John
Hughes movie, dude.

No! I refuse to accept that.

Bonding will happen,
and it starts right now!

Come on. This seems super hokey,

but we'll accept each other
through our awkward movement.

- Not gonna work.
- Dear God. Pass.

What's wrong? Scared?

I fear nothing!

Watch me destroy you
with dance! I'll show you!

Ooh, my little pretty
one My pretty one

When you gonna give
me some time, Sharona?

And just like that, we forgot
about who we were trying to be

or thought we were.

We were just us.

Gun it coming off
of the line, Sharona

And after spending all day trying
to force everybody to get closer,

a little goofy dancing
like in an '80s teen movie

allowed it just to
happen naturally.

And when it was over,

I finally found myself sitting in a
Breakfast Club-style trust circle.

I know we're in school and all,

but thanks for not
ignoring me today.

I wish we could be like this

when we're back to
school Monday, but I get it.

No one wants to
hang out with a nerd.

But I thought you
were the bad boy.

No. I'm the same as I
was in middle school.

Six layers of boiling-hot
clothes won't change that.

Yeah, I'm not a jock. Sure, I
have the awesome skills and talent,

but I just can't be that sweet
and caring. It's not in me.

I tried to convince myself I
don't care about Geoff and Evy,

but every day, I'll be
reminded that I blew it.

And you were right.

I really am a basket case.

And I'm just a mom.

God, what are you doing here?

I thought we were all
sharing our feelings.

This is our trust
circle! You're ruining it!

Oh, you're right. I
don't belong here.

I don't belong anywhere.

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Wow. We're sitting here struggling
over who we are in high school,

and you're going
through the same thing.

I know. It's silly.

No, it's not.

You always say
you're "just a mom,"

but you're more than that.

- You think so?
- Dad was right.

You always support our
dreams no matter what.

So I guess now it's our turn.

Really? You want me here?

- Oh, absolutely not.
- I will run from you.

But for once, it's not about us.

That is so sweet.

Giving me everything
Inside and out

And love's strange
So real in the dark

Think of the tender things
that we were working on

- What's this?
- It's the essay you made us write.

Mm. Looks kind of long.

Just uh, tell me the highlights.

It says, "We love our mom.

"Everything she is and
everything she wants to be.

"But the truth
is, up until today,

"that's all we thought she was.

"Just a mom.

"But she's so much
more than that.

"We all are.

"Even though we all look at
each other in the simplest terms

"with the most
convenient definitions,

"we're more than that.

"We're not just a geek,

"or a jock

"or a basket case."

Hey, guys.

Erica! There she is!

Where you been all week?

Laying low. But I'm back.

Down, down, down

"Or a mom."

Teachers only.

The blonde lady stays.

Beverly, some jerk
parked in my space.

Oh, this will not stand.

"In the end, we're a family."

I got to go move my car.

"And that means
we're in it together.

"Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club."

What's "The Breakfast Club"?

My dad asked a good question.

No one knew.

But what we did know
was the Goldbergs

were hardly as cool as Judd
Nelson and Molly Ringwald.

But as I began my freshman year,

it sure as hell felt that way.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Go away.

Okay, well, since you're frozen,

I'm gonna take my gnub-gnubs.

Gnub, gnub, gnub,
gnub, gnub, gnub!

No! No!

No gnub-gnubs in public!

I say la-la-la-la-la

Oh, you get back here!

You get back here! Get back!


Oh, hi. Um, I go to
his school now. Uh...

Go put a pair of socks
on! Go get dressed!

It's a quarter
after 7:00. Please.

- A quarter after 7:00?
- Yes.

Whoa! What's with the bolo tie?

I've come to terms
that I'm the lovable nerd,

like Duckie from Pretty in Pink.

And I've decided to embrace it.

Wait. Why are you
guys wearing hats, too?

'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm
a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.

And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands
me a spot in the New Wave crowd.

Gentlemen, high
school's gonna rock.

Nice hats, hat boys.

You're all wearing
hats like idiots!

That's your thing!

Later, hat heads.

High school's gonna suck.