The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 24 - Have a Summer - full transcript

Adam and his friends are concerned about Hell Week as new incoming freshmen are hazed by the seniors class. Adam gains respect after body slamming his brother during a school graduation ritual. Meanwhile, Evelyn Silver and her class

last week of school.

It's a truly magical feeling
of impending freedom

as the entire student body
unites in not giving a crap.

Even the teachers
were checked out.

All right, stop your stretching.

We're gonna watch
the movie Bloodsport.

Not that I'm complaining,

but isn't that, like,
wildly inappropriate

and has nothing to
do with gym class?

"Sports" are in the
title. Leave me alone.

I got nothing left to give
you kids! You did this to me!

for all us eighth graders,

the last week of
school meant one thing.

All right, boys and
girls, today begins

- Freshman Fear Week.

This is when upperclassmen

hunt down terrified
incoming ninth-graders

and throw them in the showers.

- Did he say "hunt"?
- Balls!

No! I made it through middle
school without using those showers!

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
school policy on cruel hazing traditions

- tended to be a tad more lax.
- (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.

I swear, one
day, they'll realize

this whole practice
is completely barbaric.

You will never
live to see that day!

But you're my brother.
You're supposed to protect me.


I've been training
for this my whole life.

Every headlock, noogie, and
wet willy has led to this moment.

- There has to be a way out of this.
- There is, but it's not pretty.

Mama! Barry's gonna hurt me!

I'm here, Schmoo.

He's gonna hunt me down

and throw me into the
gross gym showers!

- No!
- Yes!

- No.
- And then he's gonna rip my shoes off

and make me touch
the floor without flip-flops!

You're not athletic
enough to get athlete's foot!

Help me! I'm just a boy!

(GASPS) I got you, baby.

- Oh, God! No, I don't.
- (THUD)

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was June 2nd,
1980-something, the end of the school year

a moment that would
live in time forever.

Hey, guys.

Still looking for contributions
for the time capsule.

So far, we've got one
Hall & Oates poster,

put in by me.

I'm gonna put in a
naked picture of myself,

so I can look back and say,
"Yeah, Naked Rob had it."

I'm gonna put myself in there.

Boom! Living in the future.

Dude, it's a time capsule,
not a time machine.

- Right?
- You're funny,

and have trouble making
eye contact with girls.

I like it.

All except for the haircut and
the posture, but I can fix that.

Thanks, I think?

- Hey, Erica!
- Oh!

You want to sign my yearbook?

I saved you precious real
estate right next to my face.


Yeah, you know, if you
need some more time with it,

you could just give it back
to me. Okay, you're done.

"Have a summer."

Did you mean, like, "Good
summer" or, "Bitching summer" or...

- Or, "Sexy summer"?
- Just "summer."

Do you think she meant
it like, "Have a summer"?

Or, "Have a summer"?

Dude, you got to let this go.

Yeah, don't be such a Duckie.

- Such a what?
- Duckie.

The twerpy, lovesick best friend
who never gets Molly Ringwald.

That's you, bro.

If I'm anyone from Pretty in Pink,

it's feather-haired
bad boy James Spader.

- That is delusional.
- Get to know yourself, bro.

Geoffrey, Andrew, Robert,
I need to speak to my child.

She's using our
proper first names.

Move it. It's scary
'cause she said "Andrew."

What? I didn't even do anything.

Adam says you're gonna haze
and humiliate him at school?

Oh, that? Yeah,
that's happening.

Like heck it is!

You lay one finger on my baby...

You mean the pubescent
monster standing next to you?

Take a look at him, Ma.
He's all grown up now.

That is not...

That, uh...

No, that's not...

- Is this true?
- No! Look at me!

Actually, don't.

Uh, close your eyes and
imagine me from last year.

Oh, my God! He's right. My
baby is going to high school.

No! Stop reeling at
the passage of time!

- Protect me!
- Your voice!

I'm just now hearing
it for the first time.

It's like the last gasp
of an old helium balloon.

Oh, yes.

I just broke Mom's spirit,
so now I can shower you.

Get ready, bro.


Why are you shushing me?

That's not a shush.
That's a shower sound.

What are you talking about?
This is a shower sound.


That's the ocean, bro. A
shower sounds like this. Shh!

You're making a fool out of
yourself! Listen to me. Listen.


- POPS: Oh.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Don't mind me. I'm just
having some Bev time.


Would you mind
closing the door, please?

Mur? Your wife is sitting
in the broom closet,

sniffing a baby blanket.

That's her thing. She sits in
there and sniffs them to remind her

of when our children were
babies and not the worst.

And that doesn't bother you?

What do I know?
I'm just the husband.

(SIGHS) Fine.



That's a good blankie.

Bevy, I know it's hard with
Adam going into high school,

but you can't hide here
in the closet forever.

(SIGHS) You're right. Just...

Just take this thing and put
it where I can never find it.

It's time to let go.

- It doesn't appear like you are.
- I'm letting go.

I shouldn't have
to struggle like this.

Set me free.

Al! Will you help me? She's
got superhuman strength!

Take it! I'm handing it over.

She's got the
forearms of a tennis pro.

Take the blankie.

Put your back into it.

Cure me of my sickness.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was losing her safety blanket,

my friends and I
were living in danger.

- You okay, Taz?
- No, man!

I'm so wet, I'm so cold. They
didn't even give me a towel.

If they can throw Taz
Money in the showers,

there's no hope for us!

We just have to come up
with a plan before the bell rings.

It's too late!

Shh! Shh!

DAVE KIM: Why is he shushing us?

No matter what happens,
we go down together.

- For sure.

- No!
- Take him, not me!

every man for himself.

We tried to escape,

but that day, we faced the
greatest shower ambush

the eighth grade had ever seen!

DAVE KIM: No! Wait! No showers!

My turtlenecks shrink
when they get wet!

ADULT ADAM: Those next
10 seconds lasted an eternity

as my friends were
picked off one by one.

They even got
Taz Money... Again!

Next thing I knew, I was
facing off against my destiny.

Maybe it was panic.
Maybe it was nerd rage.

Maybe it was the
fact that my brother

had been kicking
my butt my whole life.

- But right then, I said, "No more."


What the (BLEEP)

Nice one, Goldfarb.
Walk it off, Goldberg.

Ow. Ah...



What did I just do?

You just became hot, freshman.

That was badass.

ADULT ADAM: In that one
moment, I had done the impossible!

I became awesome!

Meanwhile, the school time
capsule was a complete dud.

Seriously? This is why
I had a sign-up sheet!

Why do I even bother?

GEOFF: New Kids on the B., huh?

You know, my nana says that
I look like handsome renegade

Donnie Wahlberg.

Oh, your nana is
so sweet, but wrong.

If you're any Donny,
you're Donny Osmond.

Clean and
non-threatening. I dig that.


ADULT ADAM: While our resident
Duckie was still looking for love,

my mom was on a
desperate hunt for a blankie.

What is this? You look insane.

You haven't by chance
seen a baby blanket,

blue, soft, precious beyond measure,
you know, a standard blankie?

You mean that gross blue rag

that smells like chickenpox
and nightmare sweat?

You shut your face-mouth!
But, yes, that's the one.

Okay, don't freak out,

- but I took it.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I wrapped it around a New Kids
plate and put it in a time capsule!

No! No, no, no, no, no!

That blankie is the only thing I
have to remember my favorite baby!

First of all, ouch. But I
think this is a good thing.

Your closet time
is... How do I put it?

Sad and creepy.

This will force you
to go cold turkey.

Or I just dig it up first
thing in the morning!

- No. No way.
- Yes.

All people will
remember all summer

is my crazy mom digging
up the school's front lawn.

Good idea. You be my lookout.

Don't even put that
thought in your mind.

Too late. Look
in my eyes, Erica.

It's locked in.

Come on, I need you.

If you do this, I
promise, next year,

I will not go storming
down to the school.

Seriously? My whole senior year

without my crazy mom roaming
the hallways like a blond ghost?

That's what I'm promising.

We dig during first period,

while everyone is still
half asleep in class.

- Understand?
- You have my word, boop.

You will not humiliate
me more than normal.

(SINGING) We're gonna dig

To get the blankie...

Okay, that's enough.

And I'm gonna sniff It

'Cause it's so snuggly

You have a serious problem.

ADULT ADAM: There were
only two days left until summer,

and that meant one
thing. Nobody cared.

Okay, your calculus
teacher called in sick.

Wish I'd thought of it.

So we're gonna watch
a math-based movie.

Cannonball Run II.

How is that a math movie?


It's got a number in it. Math.

BEVERLY: Psst. Snuggy


Mr. Coach Mellor, can
I go to the bathroom?

(WHISPERING) Hey, why are you
going to the bathroom with a shovel?

Oh, is this a lady thing?

No. I got to dig up the
stupid time capsule.

Oh, no. I'm boned.

I stashed a tape professing my
love to Erica in that time capsule

so that our kids could
hear it 30 years from now.

Nice move, Duckie.

I'm not Duckie! It's romantic.

I even serenade her
with the power ballad

Heat Of The Moment by Asia.

- It's classic Duckie, bro.
- Yeah.

Aw, you're right! I got
to get that tape back.


How are you so good at this?

Jazzercise builds
upper-body strength.

Stop! You can't dig that up!

You stop! We have one
minute till the bell rings,

and then everyone will see us.

Ooh! There! I see shiny
metal. We're one scoop away.

Wait, wait, wait! I'll
help so I can open it first!

- Uh, aah!

- Oh! Oh!

D... Don't worry! I'll...
I'll plug it with my body!


Erica, save me!

- Geoff!
- My tummy's drowning!

Oh, my God!

BALL: Beverly Goldberg!

My office, now!

May I ask what
this is regarding?

GEOFF: This sucks! (SCREAMING)

ADULT ADAM: As my mom and sister
were flooding the front of the school,

Barry was drowning in
embarrassment from my epic body-slam.

Hey, man, how's your back?

A little sore, but I'm on the
mend. Thanks for asking.

That wasn't concern.
That was ridicule.

- Ha! You got flipped on your ass like a turtle.

JTP, I need your
counsel immediately.

Um, is it cool if we talk after
school? Or later this summer?

Yeah, the thing is, you got
body-slammed by a middle-schooler,

which makes you lower
than a freshman now,

so we have to keep
our distance. You get it.

You guys can't blow me
off. I'm your leader. JTP!

What the hell? You're supposed
to automatically repeat "JTP."

Has the entire
school turned on me?

- We need to talk.
- Oh, God, you're breaking up with me.

No, of course not. Yet.

- We just need to undo what happened.
- Right. Easy.

So, just lure Adam
into a public space

and dispense a swift
beatdown for all to see.

Done. Quick question.

Is there anything else I can do

that doesn't require
me going near him?

- Why?
- I'm, like...

How would you put it?

Very afraid of him.

Adam, your nerdy brother,

who dives for cover when
someone pops a balloon?


This is a lot.

was facing his cold, dark future,

my sister was feeling the heat.

Congrats. Your little
stunt broke the water line

leading to the locker room.

You ruined both
Freshman Fear Week

and a timeless tradition started
by the great William Penn himself,

who, after he founded
this institution in 1689,

immediately threw a
freshman into the showers!


Oh, yeah, and, uh...

There are some people who are
also very upset about their pet project.

Yes, I am upset.

Everything in the time
capsule was completely ruined.

- Yes!
- Oh, everything except this one thing.


We should throw that
away just to be fair.

Oh, I think this is for you.

"For future wife Erica Schwartz.
Love, your future hubby"?

Really, dude?

- Aww.
- Awkward.

Geoff, for the millionth
time, I don't like you that way.

Not now, not in
the future, not ever.

So I really am the Duckie.

The dork from Pretty in Pink?

Yes, that's a great example.
That's exactly who you are.

I think Duckie's cute.


Okay, this conversation's
gotten away from me.

Let's just wrap it up.

Both of you are
suspended for the day.

Called your parents. They're
on their way to pick you up.

- Message received. Come on, Schmoo.
- Buh-buh-buh-bip!

I called your husband.

I'm suspending you
from parenting for the day.

Nice try, but Murray won't
care unless money's involved.

Here's the bill.

Are you kidding me? Six
hundred bucks for a broken pipe?

Well, the headline here is, I
saved blankie. (CHUCKLES)

Sure, it's lost its Adam
smell, but I'll just recharge it.

You can't recharge a blanket.

Ho-ho! You bet I can!

I'll just sneak it
into his pillowcase

or mix it in his
hamper like a stew.

Don't do that. Don't
make a hamper stew.

I just...

I need the blanket.

Once they grow
up, it's all I'll have.

Look, I know how
hard this is for you. I do.

They're more than my
world, Murray. They're my life.

If I'm not Mama, what am I?

Well, that's up to you.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom had
to figure out her place in the world,

I was loving my
new life as a cool kid.

ADAM: (SINGING) Gummi Bears

Bouncing here and
there And everywhere

High adventure
That's beyond compare

They are the Gummi Bears

Look at him sitting there, Pops,
acting like a badass street punk.

- Adam?
- Correct.

With the cartoons and
the gelatin candies?

He thinks he's bad? Well,
I'll show him who's bad.

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm enjoying my leisure time.

If I stand up, you're
gonna regret it.

I can't live this way!

You ruined my life by
fighting back and winning!

Hey, I needed a win!

Do you realize how crappy
this year has been for me?

I lost my girlfriend, puberty
was not kind to my body,

and I got pantsed on the
pull-up bar, undies and all!

And then you tried to
kick me when I was down!

No! I was trying to help you!

By throwing me in the showers?

Yes, idiot!

Only the cool kids get
hazed during Fear Week.

When I was your age, no one
picked on me, and it sucked.

I didn't want it to
suck for you, too.

I didn't know that.

Well, looks like next year
is gonna be awesome.

For you, anyway.

ADULT ADAM: It had been a day since
I robbed Barry of his pride and dignity.

He was not taking it well.

Goodbye, nunchucks.
I will need you no more.

Find a master
who's not a wussbag.

Arigato, samurai sword.

This is not a place of
honor. It's a place of shame.

What did you do to the boy?

He's trying to murder
that garbage can.

ADAM: This isn't my fault.

Did Barry seriously think

I'd be a nerdy little
brother forever?

Actually, yes.

Look at me. I'm
getting older and bigger.

Things change.

Well, no matter how big you get,

you're always gonna
be Barry's little brother,

and that means a lot to him.

He sure doesn't act like it.

Trust me, he loves
being your big brother.

It's a huge part of who
he is, and without that...

He's just not the same.

Hey, Big Tasty, we need to talk.

Whatever! Just stay away!

Not that I'm scared of you, but
please don't put hands on me.

Come on, dude,

we both know the only
reason I could body-slam you

- was the summer solstice.
- Summer what?

You know.

The one day a year when the
moon is closest to the Earth,

which means
there's less gravity?

- There is?
- Yes.

That's how a nerd like me
suddenly had super-strength.

- It's science.
- Science, you say?

- Like the kind with scientists?
- Oh, sure!

With white lab coats and
clipboards and safety goggles.

- Beakers?
- Tons of beakers, yeah.

They hold them up
the light and nod?

How else would they
see the chemicals?

I knew there was no way that
happened for real! (CHUCKLES)

So the balance of
power has been restored.

You can be you again.

It's not that easy!

The whole school witnessed
this once-in-a-lifetime moment.

It can't be undone.

Actually, I think it can.

Okay! Not that
complicated, people.

I call your name,

and then you go up and
get the piece of paper.

But no showboating, no speeches,

and no doing the worm,
Dave Kim. I am onto you.

This is America, man.

BARRY: Mic check,
one, two, one, two.

Mic check, one, two.


Stop checking and just
talk before we get busted!

Attention, William Penn Academy!

Prepare to bear witness

to the most epic Fear
Week prank of all time.

welcome to high school.

Go kick some ass.

I'm back, baby.

ADULT ADAM: That day,
I helped my brother repair

his damaged rep
in one fell swoop.

No! This is my
graduation turtleneck!


ADULT ADAM: Just like that, all memories
of my brother getting body-slammed

were completely washed away.

I'm not a freshman! I'm
the principal, damn it!

It's not funny when
it happens to you!

Dude, Goldberg just showered
the whole eighth grade!

(LAUGHING) No way!

- Legendary!
- ANDY: Classic Tasty!

ADULT ADAM: Growing up, we all have
those magical moments etched in stone.

For Barry Norman Goldberg,
his moment was now.

Middle school's over, losers!

Oh, my God, he's right!
Middle school's over!


I think next year's gonna
be pretty damn awesome.

- I'm happy for you.
- For both of us.

I'll make sure of
it. But until then...

Wait. What are you...

- Yeah!



BALL: I want all of
you to go back to class!

All of you!

Let it happen, Earl. This
prank deserves our respect.

Let it happen.

out, Freshman Fear Week

was one of the best
weeks of my life.

We not only survived
the rite of passage,

we soared right through it.

'Cause it's the heat of the moment

Heat of the moment...

Guys, you've got to hear this
tape that Geoff Schwartz made me.

He, like, rambles on
about how special I am.

- Such a dork.

- Enough.
- What?

All year, you've been
saying you don't like the guy.

That's 'cause I don't.

- What? But I don't.

I don't like Geoff Schwartz.

ADULT ADAM: It's crazy how
sometimes your life can change in a flash,

and all the things you were
blind to or refused to admit

are suddenly staring
you right in the face.

Damn it, I like stupid
Geoff Schwartz.

ADULT ADAM: And just like that,
everything suddenly falls into place...

Uh, Geoff, can we...

Come on, sweetie, we
got to get to Blockbuster.

ADULT ADAM: Even if it's not
the way you thought it would.

Hey, do you need something?

It's... Nothing.

Uh, have a great summer.

Yeah, have a summer.

growing up is tough.

But no matter how hard it gets,

you can always look
forward to the future.

- How do I look?
- Like my big boy. (CHUCKLES)

My big man.

didn't know what life would bring.

And, sure, that was scary.

But for the first time,
I wasn't so afraid.

Congratulations, graduating
middle-school class of...


was the end of an era...

You're the cutest!

ADULT ADAM: and the
start of a brand-new one.

Oh, just look at him.

We are gonna have so
much fun in high school.

- "We"?
- You know, you were right.

I do need a life
outside the house,

and that is why I'm gonna
get my teaching certificate.

What have you done, Murray?

more ways than one.

Oh, and I want this to be a
surprise, so don't tell the kids, okay?

Don't worry, we'll let
you deliver that message.

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about our greatest memories.

Sure, we don't always remember

exactly who was there
or how it happened.

All I remember was the
blur of 1980-something,

and it was awesome.

- Luck Tin Tin, save me!
- Luck Tin Tin, save me!

Luck Tin Tin, attack!



Okay, as you know,

you've been mocking my
changing voice for this entire year.

But now that I'm
going to high school,

it's time for you to get out
all your insults here and now,

so we can bring this
hurtful chapter to a close.

You sound like a
harmonica in a dryer.

You sound like the
child of Louis Armstrong

and Harvey Fierstein.

You sound like the Tin
Man before he was oiled.

You sound like a witch
gave a frog a voice.

Stop it! His voice is perfect.

He sounds like a
beautiful angel...

With an undescended
testicle. (CHUCKLES)

I regret this.