The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Big Baby Ball - full transcript

2x06 - Big Baby Ball

Back in the '80s,
this is what gaming looked like.

Just a fold-out board,
assorted plastic pieces,

and a pop-o-matic bubble.
The competition was fierce,

and there were no bigger rivals
than my brother and sister.

Board games gave them an outlet
to channel their anger.

Don't mess up!

Oh!
Paging Dr. Sucks at operation.

Come in, Dr. Sucks at operation.

- Sure, winning felt good.
- F-1.

But the real prize was gloating
as you crushed



the loser's fragile spirit.

- You sank my battleship.
- I-I can't hear you.

You sank my battleship.

Look at me in the eye
when you say it!

Erica had smarts and strategy.
Barry had trash talk

and a psychotic desire to win
no matter the game,

- even Girl talk.
- "The last digit of your phone number

indicates how many boys you will kiss."

Six! Yes!
Girl talk!

They were worthy adversaries

until a new board game
changed everything.

Check it out!
It's called Trivial Pursuit.

Yes! A new game to dominate.

Okay. "Sports and leisure.



What team has won the most
Stanley cup championships?"

Montreal Canadiens.

Swish, baby.
This game is too easy.

"Arts and literature.

"Whose autobiographical
masterpiece was entitled

- 'Long day's journey into night'? "
- Pass! Sports again.

Not how it works, dummy.
My turn.

"What sailor's disease resulted
from a deficiency of vitamin C?"

- Mm, scurvy?
- Correct!

Looks like someone's
gonna be tough to beat.

The game was simple.

You either knew the answer
or you didn't,

and Barry didn't.
For the first time ever,

the scales were tipped
firmly to Erica.

Oh, this one's super easy.
"Who wrote 'The diary of Anne Frank'?"

- Uh... uh...
- Seriously?

It's ... it's called
"The diary of Anne Frank."

Don't help me!
I know what the answer is!

It's...
It's...

I-I hate this!

Who's up for Girl talk?

* I'm twisted up inside *

* but nonetheless
I feel the need to say *

* I don't know the future *

* but the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

It was November 12,
1980-something.

I was in gym class,
and today's lesson to nurture

the young blossoming athlete ...

scooter ball.
It was a lot like soccer

except with an 80% better
chance of injury.

My fingers!

- I'm so sorry! He's hurt!
- Scoot it off!

The overlord of this insanity
was Mr. Mellor,

A gung-Ho ex-Jock filled
with stupid sports clich?s.

No pain, no gain!
There is no "I" in team!

Winners never quit!
Quitters never win!

And some of his sayings
we just found confusing.

It is never okay
to put butter on a doughnut!

Dance like no one's watching!

Love like
you've never been hurt!

Don't trust your cousin on
a road trip with your wife.

All right!
Think you guys are ready

for the apex
of rubber-ball-based sports.

Dodgeball.

For kids like me, this was our waking

nightmare from which
there was no escape.

Grab a ball!
Same teams.

- On my whistle.
- This is bad.

I want the "Star Wars" theme
played at my funeral.

What are you guys doing?
Posing for a trophy?

Let's go!

It wasn't pretty, but as
much as dodgeball hurt me,

it hurt someone else even more.

Oh!
My schmoopies are home.

- Mwah!
- O-kay.

- Mwah!
- Hmm.

Mwa... oh! Who did this
to your kissable face?!

- Mom, please don't. I'm fine.
- Who? I want names.

It's from dodgeball.
Mr. Mellor lives for it.

- It's like his air.
- It's like a violation of human rights.

Here we go. Bevy, it's
not a rights violation.

- It's gym class.
- Well, I think he's an animal.

How much does it hurt, schmoo?

On a pain scale
from 1 to 10, how much?

Um...
I'd say fi...

three...

- One? One.
- It should be zero.

I also would have accepted
the word "nothing."

I'm marching down there
first thing.

Bevy, no.

They don't need your angry
rants on how to educate.

- Mom, please don't make a thing of this.
- You got to let teachers teach.

- I don't want to be on his bad side.
- Don't worry about him.

He doesn't want to be on my bad side,
'cause it's much badder.

It really was.

My mom marched down to school
so often that the teachers

could almost sense she was coming.

Whoop!

Don't worry, cinoman.
Today's not your day.

- I'm here for Mellor.
- Third door on the left.

Cute top.

You want me
to cancel dodgeball,

- one of the seven pillars of fitness?
- What are the other six?

Look, canceling dodgeball
would be like canceling science.

Is that what you want?
A world with no science?

- Why do you hate NASA? Why?
- I don't hate it. They gave us tang.

- What I do hate is dodgeball.
- Dodgeball is an essential part

of strengthening
a young man's character,

and nobody needs that
more than your son.

How dare you?

My son has the strength
and character

of three lou Ferrignos!

How dare you invoke Lou Ferrigno?
How dare you?!

I'm not gonna stand here
and let you push me around!

- I'm not scared of you.
- Well, you should be.

- I'd think twice about this if I were you.
- No. I will not think at all.

If there's any more dodgeball
in this school,

you will regret it.
Mark my words.

- I will mark no words.
- Mark them!

While my mom was putting a stop
to the game she hated,

Barry was ready to give the
game he sucked at another try.

Oh, hello.
I did not see you sitting there.

We're not sitting. What
you're doing is called sitting.

Potato, potato.

Care for a rematch, Erica?

And crush your fragile
spirit again? Gladly.

Um, I don't think I want
to be here for this.

You shall witness the
battle, old man! I mean...

I cherish our time together.
Please, sit.

Ooh. Science and nature.
Challenging.

"What animal does
a hippophobe fear?"

Horses.
The answer is horses.

That's right.

Yellow. Ooh.
History.

"How many children
does Queen Elizabeth ..."

- Four.
- Wow.

You sure seem to know a lot
of stuff all of a sudden.

- There's no reason to be "patronibing."
- Okay, next card.

"What city was called
the Paris of the South?"

- Maya Angelou.
- That's the answer

on the card you wanted
me to choose, you knob.

You're clearly cheating.

How dare you?!
I am a sportsman!

You insult my honor!

Hey, Bar, I-I-it's kind of
obvious you're cheating.

I am not.
I simply memorized the answers

and put the cards in
a particular order so I can win!

- That's cheating!
- That's preparation!

- Preparation for cheating.
- Don't blame me!

This game is impossible
and has no point!

What's the point of mouse trap?

To boot a marble down a flight
of stairs onto a slide and into

a bathtub, which, in turn,
another balls falls onto a see-saw,

backflipping an old man
into a kiddie pool,

causing a trap to fall
on a mouse! Duh!

That he knows.

Face it ... this is one game
you can't win.

- Say I'm better than you. Say it.
- Never!

I will do everything in my power
to learn knowledge.

I will go to school,
and I will read books,

and I will study art,
and I will drink in life

just so I can beat you
at this board game! Oh!

He should probably
do all that stuff regardless.

Ladies and gentlemen,

due to aggressive
parental interference,

there's been a change
in the phys-ed curriculum.

What?
Could be any of our moms.

Effective immediately,

there will no longer
be dodgeball in my class.

Instead, we'll play an
all-new safer, kinder game

called big baby ball.

We'll choose teams
by counting off ones and twos.

Goldfarb, begin.

- One.
- Everybody else is a two.

Let's get the ones on that side,
twos on the other.

Mr. Mellor, is it too late
to switch my number to two?

Well, your mother demanded
that we play something else,

so you can let her know
that her voice was heard today.

Good luck
and cover your nards.

I was in a tight spot,

so I decided my only choice
was to fight my way out.

- Why?!
- I don't know!

- Ugh...
- Sorry.

I don't understand.
Mellor didn't cower?

- Why didn't he cower?
- It's on you, Bev.

The boy was singled out
because you mixed in.

He's right, mom.
You made it worse.

Why can't you ever listen?
You want to protect the boy,

and you always end up making it
a million times worse.

No, you're completely right.
I know it in my heart.

Good. It's nice to finally
be on the same page.

- Definitely.
- What's with the coat?

Are you marching down
to school again?!

I want to say no,
but that would be a lie.

But I thought
we're on the same page.

We are, and yet, here I go.

Just stop!
Just tell your body to stop!

I want to.
I really want to.

But I can't.

I thought
we're on the same page!

And the next item of business is
scheduling teacher conferences.

Blonde monster.

Nothing.

Mrs. Goldberg,
this is a private meeting.

Not anymore.
Got to go, people!

Don't care where.
Just not here.

Don't leave.
She looks really mad.

I'm sorry, Earl.

Mr. Mellor is no longer with
William Penn Academy

due to a concern raised by a parent...

who shall remain nameless.

This one's tough to deny.

Thanks to my mother,
I got out of dodgeball.

All it took was ruining a man's life.

Oh. Hello, again.
I did not see you sitting there.

- Again, you're the one sitting.
- Potato, tomato.

Come sit.
I've been thinking.

We've completely lost track
of what board games

are all about ...
family fun.

That's why I invented
a new gaming experience

for the whole family to enjoy.

I call it...
Barry-nopoly.

"Do a freestyle rap as good as big tasty
or nunchuck better than Barry"?

I've made sure it caters
to all our strengths.

For you, trivia.
Physical challenges for myself.

And for pops,
frequent bathroom breaks.

- I like this game.
- You actually created

a board game
that only you can win.

Do you realize how sad that is?

Does this mean you forfeit and
I'm reigning champion forever?

No. I'll play.

And I'll literally beat you
at your own game.

Let's do this!
What'll it be, pops?

Rap or an elaborate
nunchuck routine?

I have to go to the bathroom.

- 40 bonus points for pops!
- I really like this game.

Okay, your turn.

Ooh.
"Arm-wrestle Barry."

Easy.
You're so hosed.

Am I, now?
Have you ever heard of

a little Sylvester Stallone
arm-wrestling drama

- called "Over the top"?
- No.

Well, you're about to live it.
Go.

Ha!

Oh, no! He's losing!

Or is he?
Over the top!

- What are you doing?!
- Going over the top!

- What are you doing?!
- I'm going over the top!

You can't go over the top!
I'm going over the top!

I'm going over your top!

- Yes! Yes! In your face!
- This game is rigged!

It's your game,
and I still beat you!

Say it. I'm better
than you in every way.

Fine!
You're better than me.

You're smart and you're cool
and everyone likes you.

And I'm nothing.

Congrats.

For the first time ever,

crushing Barry didn't feel
like such a triumph.

Meanwhile, my dad stumbled upon
another man down on his luck,

coach Mellor.

- Oh, god.
- You need a curb painted, hoss?

Suggested donation $5.

Yeah, actually,
I'm Adam Goldberg's father.

- Oh. So your wife is...
- Yeah, blonde monster.

Love her dearly.

So, is this what
you're doing for money?

For now. Turns out
there's not a great demand

for a phys-ed specialist in
the middle of the school year.

I don't mean to tell you
your business,

but I don't think
that's the right address.

It is not.
I lost my 3.

You know, I know my wife can
get carried away with things,

and I just want to let you know,
I'm really sorry about all this.

Don't be. Your wife plays hard.
I respect a winner.

She's a good woman who does not
know the word "quit,"

although she does know
the word "fired."

Can I give you a ride somewhere?
Maybe a hot meal?

That's very kind of you, but I
only got about 10 more blocks to go,

and I got a fanny pack
full of turkey jerky, so...

I told you,
I don't want the numbers!

It's donation only!
Just pay what's fair!

You know what? He's getting the hose.
You better open up.

Those are fresh numbers!

Where's the 3?!

I got to tell you,
he's not the same guy

without the whistle
and the short-shorts.

A guy like that belongs
in a gym yelling at kids.

It's in his blood.

Look, I never intended
for Mellor to get fired,

but this is on him.
He singled out my boy.

Okay, he was wrong,
but you took it too far.

Now do the right thing
and put that loose cannon

back in charge of children.

I go easy on one teacher,
then the rest won't fear me.

Fine. You won't help
the poor bastard, I will.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mr. G, I really appreciate
this opportunity.

You got my word,
I will give you 110%.

Call me Murray.
110%, that is not necessary.

On a good day, the best Vic
gives me is what? 50%?

There he goes, busting balls.
It's ... it's what we do.

No. What we do
is sell furniture.

Bring it in.
"Furniture" on three.

Yeah, okay, what Vic and I do
is we sell the furniture,

and what I need you to do
is to move the coffee table

over by the sofa set.

Sir, yes, sir!
Time me.

Whoa, whoa.
It's not a race.

Take your time.

One, two, three.

Oh, whoa.

That's oak. That's heavy.
I thought it was pine.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Excuse me.

- Is this in stock?
- Yes, it is.

And you can have that
in your house today.

I don't know. It's ...
it's kind of pricey.

Tell you what.

You pay cash, I'll take off 5%.

- I'll just come back another time.
- There is no other time.

Clock's winding down.
Ball's in your hands.

You gonna put the ball in the hole,

or you gonna go home a loser?

I don't really understand
what's happening right now.

- He's new.
- We're team players in this store.

We don't sell to anybody
who doesn't pass the ball.

You keep referencing a-a ball.
Is it the same ball?

- Let me make it simple.
- There's no "I" in team, man.

We only sell to winners,
so get the [bleep] out!

Whoa-oa-oa!

I am sorry! What?!

- Okay. We need to talk.
- Sure thing, boss.

- What are you doing?
- Taking a knee.

- Just take an early lunch.
- You got it, boss.

Juice time.

Mmm.

So many bananas and beets.

Ahh. Let's go.

Yeah!

Finally got some energy!
Let's go!

So, before, that was him
without energy?

After my dad's horrible day
at work,

he had to face
an even worse night at home.

Hey, could I, uh, have some
ranch dressing for my salad?

Oh, of course, honey.

- When.
- That's what you get for hiring

the enemy to work in our store.

Don't worry about Mellor.
You're not gonna see him.

He's working
all the way across town.

Hey, boss!
Sorry to interrupt!

It's me ... Rick Mellor!
I work for you!

I can see you're eating dinner.

Oh, is that lamb?!
That looks like lamb.

What are you doing? You're supposed
to be out making deliveries.

Yeah, well, here's the thing.

I decided to do all this week's
drop-offs in one day.

I told you, you can't load that

much furniture on the truck at once.

I thought you said that because
you believed I couldn't do it!

And I proved you wrong.

- But I broke the truck.
- Fine. Where is it?

It's a couple blocks down.
Address is 466.

Although the actual address
is 366.

Haven't been my best this week.

Balls!
He's come for me!

He's seeking vengeance!

No vengeance. No. I
just came to apologize

to your old man for breaking his truck.

But while I got you here,

I guess I owe you both
an apology myself.

I ... Mrs. G,
you're a strong woman,

- and I respect the hell out of you.
- Do you?

Do you?!

- Thanks.
- And, Adam,

I was dead wrong
to single you out.

The truth is, I'm only hard on
you 'cause I'm rooting for you.

- Really?
- You know, as you get older,

you'll realize that life
ain't easy and things fly at you

that are a lot harder
than a stupid red rubber ball.

And I just want you to learn

that you're strong enough
to face it

and there's nothing
you can't overcome.

In that moment,

I realized my biggest foe
was really my biggest advocate.

Well, enjoy your dinner.

Wait. Are you hungry?
I could fix you a plate.

A plate? Ha.

Hell, just point me to the blender.

Oh, hello.
I did not see you sitting there.

- I agree.
- So, I was thinking,

how about one more game
of Trivial Pursuit,

winner takes all?

So you can take all?
No, thanks.

Okay, how about this?
If you can beat me,

then Trivial Pursuit is banned
forever from this house.

Sounds awesome.
The only problem is, I can't win.

"Who had an encounter
with the three bears?"

Goldilocks.

- That's right.
- Game on!

As fate would have it, that game,

Barry knew every question
my sister threw at him.

It was as if he was suddenly
the smartest man on the planet.

Or Erica was picking cards
from the little kid's edition,

suggested ages 8 through 12.

Cookie monster! Pigeons!

The number 4. Trees.

- Purple. Turtles.
- That's the one.

Clouds. Beanstalk. Unicorn. Butterflies.

- Santa.
- Can I get a full name on that?

Santa Claus.

Okay. This one's for the win.

"What has the scientific formula H2O?"

Water! It's water!

I'm the smartest man alive!
Say I'm better than you.

You're better than me.

Yes!

I'm all right! Yes!

- Way to go, kiddo.
- Yeah, well, he needed the win.

Sometimes the best way
to get the win is to lose,

and other times,
you just have to admit defeat.

Well, I would consider

bringing Mr. Mellor back
on one condition.

You don't step foot
in this school ever again.

- One year.
- Deal.

My mom wasn't many things, but
she was a woman of her word.

That year, she never went back
to school to complain.

Yoo-hoo! Sorry to interrupt, Earl...

...but technically this isn't school,
and I do have bones to pick.

Ooh, is that brisket?

Although winning
never came easy to me...

...Mr. Mellor actually did
end up teaching me

how to duck anything
life might throw at me.

- Okay. You rolled a 2.
- Uh-huh.

Now cruise down the big tasty
river and draw a Barry card.

Oh. Your face is on these.

I love this game.

"Roundhouse kick better than Barry."

Better than my kara-te master?
It can't be done.

Right answer!

- Ooh!
- 50 points!

Challenge card.

- "Arm-wrestle Barry."
- Oh, we get to hold hands.

Oh, you're even turning
your hat backwards.

How macho.

Go!

- Over the top!
- Ow!

- That's how you do it!
- Oh! Oh!

Let's go! Let's go!
Whoo!

You're so strong, honey.

I... know I am so... strong.

Let's go, Barry!

Oh, I'm so proud of you, honey,

- the way you beat mommy like that.
- I'm the best!

- Let him win, huh?
- He needs it.