The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Goldberg Thanksgiving - full transcript

Adult Adam: For every family,

Thanksgiving is
a day filled with tradition.

But for the Goldbergs,

that tradition came
with an extra helping of crazy.

Every year, my mom would
cheese and marshmallow

everything in sight.

Every year, my brother would
gorge himself on half a Turkey

and pass out in a food coma.

Every year, I'd bond with
my dad over a game of football

and astound him with
my total lack of knowledge.

It's like the throwing one knows



exactly where the running one is going.

Every year, pops would give a tipsy toast

about an old girlfriend.

And, sure, I wake up every morning,

and I wonder, "what if I stayed
with her in Singapore

and learned her exotic customs?"

Point is we all make our choices.

- To family.
- All: To family.

Every year, my eccentric
uncle Marvin would visit...

Delorean!

Get in a huge fight with my dad...

Come on! I'm not staying
where I'm not wanted!

And storm out with one of our pies.

Good day to you, sir!



Good day to you!

And every year, my mom would force Erica

to spend days prepping
and cooking with her.

This sacred recipe box was your
Nana's most prized possession,

and we will continue the tradition

by firing up the stove
by 5:00 A.M. sharp tomorrow.

And if all goes smoothly, by 9:00 A.M.,

we'll be elbow deep
in a 20-pound butterball.

Or we nuke some hungry-man dinners

and call it a day.

Wow. I didn't know you were in the business

of destroying all your Nana's
favorite things.

You know, while you're at it,
why don't you just smash

her precious figurine collection,

smash everything she loved,
take this poker,

and smash my face in?
Because Nana loved this, too.

My God, I'll just cook the stupid meal.

Yay!

Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.

And it wasn't a Goldberg Thanksgiving

unless my mom tripled up her workouts

so she could justify gorging
herself for 24 hours straight.

(Singsong voice) Who's ready
for some jazzercise?

People with no shame?

Hey.

Come on, lazy buns.
Let's earn that stuffing.

(Up-tempo music plays)

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ and work that boogie body ♪

And whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Join in!

Oh, I'd like to, but I'm lying.

Well, make fun all you want,

but you wouldn't last a minute in my class.

I get the feeling I'd manage.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Come to class with me.

When you collapse halfway
through from exhaustion,

I win.

And then, we jazzercise
three days a week for a month.

So, somehow, this has become a ploy

to get me to hang with you.

It is moving in that direction, yes.

Well, when I prove you wrong and do finish,

I don't have to help you make
Thanksgiving dinner this year.

- Deal.
- You ready for this?

Look at me. I'm jazzercising.

I'm a sad mom with no shame.

No, don't join in. I'm mocking you.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

The Goldbergs - 02x07
"A Goldberg Thanksgiving"

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was November 22, 1980-something,

and I was spending the day
with my friend, video games.

We had quite a history together.

First, there was Atari.

(Video game beeping)
Adam: Look at those graphics.

I'll never get bored of this... ever.

Then, there was Intellivision.

It's like I'm skiing in real life.

(Blows) And then came the
greatest console of them all,

Nintendo.

Yes! First place!

What is this? What am I looking at?

It's "Track & Field."
I just won a gold medal.

A video game with people
running and jumping.

Why don't you go outside

and run and jump like a regular kid?

(Groans) You never like the stuff I like.

Why don't you play with the boy?

No can do. Gives me finger cramps.

And I need these hands
to massage the ladies' feet.

It's his closer.

All right, this conversation's
been bad from top to bottom.

My dad may not have understood me,

but Thanksgiving meant
the arrival of someone who did.

Did someone call the butcher?

'Cause the beefcake has arrived.

- Okay.
- "Mur-man," bring it in here.

- Bro, ooh, I love-a this face.
- Ohh.

- I love it.
- Stop!

Sorry.

(Sighs) What's with the outfit?

It's actually the
Crockett n' Tubbs collection.

The ladies love it.
It's the white linen, man.

You want to feel it?

- No.
- Come on. Feel it.

- No.
- Just feel it!

- Uncle Marv!
- (Laughing) Hey!

- What's up?
- Hey, buddy.

- Uncle Marv!
- Look at this kid! (Laughs)

Looking good, dude.

I'm feeling good, dude.
I lost half a pound.

And then they bumped me up
to assistant manager

down at the Beeper Bayou in Trenton.

You sell beepers now? No way.

Oh, yeah. Growth industry.
Wave of the future.

I'm gonna ride that wave
right into retirement.

Free samples? Bing!

We get free beepers?! Yes!

So impractical for a child.

No. You can't give them beepers.

They look like drug dealers.

No, they look like doctors.
(Chuckling) Come on.

I'm gonna go page myself for no reason.

That's the spirit. Look at this kid.

Okay. Let's get you set up.

Where's your garbage bag full
of laundry for my wife to do?

No, no, no. I'm fine for this visit.

I'm staying in a hotel down in Abington.

"Hotel"?

With an "H," not an "M"?

Yeah. It's got all the perks, man.

Uncle Marv, you want to go play
"Double Dragon" with me?

Nintendo Power Magazine said it
wasn't coming out till January.

You read NP monthly?
What, are you kidding me?

That's how I get all my news, kid.

Let's go. Get the hell in there!

While my dad was trying to
keep his cool with his brother,

my mom was about to turn up
the heat in jazzercise class.

Dear Lord, it's like
a "Twilight zone" world

where everyone is you.

Just zip it and go put on
your workout gear.

This is my workout gear.

(Laughs)

That's what you're gonna wear
to get in the groove?

Are you insane?

Some might say what
you're wearing is insane.

For your information,
spandex wicks away sweat

while enhancing muscle tone
and skeletal girth.

Watch and learn.

You ladies ready to sweat?!

All: Yeah!

Reynaldo's an ex-marine.

I told him not to go easy on us.

Okay, you didn't tell me...

Sorry. A bet's a bet.

That's a deal that can't be broken.

My sister was starting to realize

that she might have
gotten in over her head.

(Upbeat music plays)

For the next hour, my mom
lunged, squatted, and grooved

with everything she had.

And Erica...

Eh, she was fine.

And cool down.

Whew! (Laughs)

I almost broke a sweat there.

But... you...

I won.

Now I don't have to spend time
cooking with you all day.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle.

But it's tradition.

Mm, sorry. Bet's a bet.

That's a deal that can't be broken.

As my mom's Thanksgiving was falling apart,

I was having a blast with my uncle.

Marvin: Oh, my gosh.
You're like rain man with this.

You're unbeatable.
Like, what is your secret?

I have a small social circle.

After three awesome hours of video games,

we needed a break.

So we went to see a movie
about video games,

"The Wizard," a classic '80s drama

about a boy who wins a fortune

in the world's biggest
video-game competition.

I love the Power Glove.

It's so bad.

You know it's based on a true story?

I'm pretty sure everything
in this movie is fake.

Look, I'm the adult, okay?
So I'm always right.

Just eat your popcorn.
It makes your brain grow.

That movie was so awesome!

Oh, man.

And you're such a better player
than that mute kid.

Oh, man, if I were you,

I would consider dropping
out of school altogether

and just playing video games full time.

No. Nobody's quitting school.

I'm just trying to encourage your son.

To drop out.

It's a figure of speech, mur.

It's like, "hey,
it's raining cats and dogs,"

or, "you can't drink in the park here."

Can't you just not be you for once?

(Groans) Fine.

How about I don't encourage him
to be better at anything?

(Sighs) That's all I'm asking. (Sighs)

Well, buddy, you're gonna have to

listen to your old man on this one.

But not I. I bought you something.

Consider it an early
birthday present, okay?

Or a late one, depending on
when your birthday is.

(Vocalizes angelically)

No way.

Yes way. (Choir vocalizes)

It was the Nintendo Power Glove.

It was magical, and it was mine.

I...Can't take this. I-it's too much.

With my guidance,

you are going to become the greatest player

that the Nintendo universe has ever seen.

With my help, there will be
no "Mario" pipe un-searched,

no space un-invaded, no donkey un-konged!

You maniac. (Laughs)

What's he up to, Al?

Laughing, having fun, supporting Adam...

It doesn't make any sense.

Uh, I think he's just laughing

and having fun and supporting Adam.

That's crazy. Nobody does that.

Do you think maybe you're
a little tiny bit jealous

of the connection
your brother has with your son?

Me? Jealous of Marvin?

The man who claims
to have invented the rectangle.

(Scoffs)

But for the first time ever,

uncle Marvin had something
my dad didn't have... me.

(Laughter)

It was Thanksgiving morning,
and my dad decided

to connect with me
for the best reason possible...

To stop his brother from doing it.

Hey, champ. What you up to?

I'm watching The Parade.

Snoopy Balloon's catching
a pretty heavy breeze.

Good stuff.

Hey, how would you like
to play some video games.

You know, like "Froggerman"
or "Donkey Kid."

You want to play video games?

Oh, yeah! I love video games.

They're not a waste of time,

and you learn valuable lessons,
even though they're dumb.

(Electronic music plays) Not working.

The damn thing's not working!

You're swinging it. Stop swinging.

I'm batting? I thought I was pitching.

What are you doing? Just move
like a normal human would.

What's wrong with my guy?

Why is he squatting?
It looks like he's sick.

He's just bunting. Stop bunting!

I can't stop bunting!

Just push the "pause" button. Well,
which is the "pause" button?

Stop mashing the buttons
with your giant sausage fingers.

Okay! Now you're aggravating me!

Get this off of me!

It's stuck on my normal-sized fingers!

No... be gentle.

No! No!

You broke it!

You broke my favorite thing in the world!

You ruin everything!

As my father took a big swing and missed,

my mother was feeling
the effects of her own loss.

Whoa. I slept for 12 hours.

You know when you get too much sleep

and then you're tired?

I might need a nap later.

I slept for two hours,

had a nightmare that I'd abandoned you,

and then I woke up and remembered

that you'd abandoned me. (Chuckles)

So I just came downstairs to
start this entire meal by myself

like some sort of daughterless mother.

So, we're both good then?

Double or nothing!
Let's go double or nothing.

- Give me a chance to win you back.
- Please stop.

If I win, you have to cook
Thanksgiving dinner with me

and learn all my traditions
and never leave my side.

Fine.

But if I win, I get to avoid
this craziness altogether

and go to Lainey's for Thanksgiving.

- You wouldn't.
- I would.

And her family eats their dinner
in front of the TV.

It's both sad and awesome.

Deal. But this time, no jazzercise.

We're gonna power walk.

You mean that non-running thing
you do every morning?

(Chuckles)

Did you know that the
world's fastest power walker

out-walked a cheetah?

Yeah, that's not true.

Barry: Ankle weights on!

Okay, power walking has one
and only one rule...

At least one foot must be
in contact with the ground

at all times.

Otherwise, it would just be running,

which makes way more sense,

but this is what you guys want to do,

so it is what it is.

First one around the block wins.

And...

Walk!

Some say it was Carl Lewis

who ran the most epic race in the '80s.

But in our family, it was this.

Stop! Stop power walking into my body!

The Bevernator stops for no one.

Oops. Hey.

(Chuckles) Slipped up.

You stepped in dog poop.

(Sighs) Nice try.

No, I'm serious.

Really?

Oh!

That was low!

That was low!

Erica: Keep one foot on the ground!

You keep one foot on the ground!

You're running. That's against the rules.

But I'll allow it 'cause I don't care.

Take that!

Yes! Yes! I won!

Beverly: Ow.

Oh, it hurts.

(Groaning) Ow!

Something happened in my downstairs.

It's just north of my vajingo.

Ow!

Murray: How's your groin?

It hurts.

But not as bad as my heart.

I lost her, Murray. I lost our little girl.

I get it.

The kids would much rather
see their friends,

play video games, hang out
with your dumb-ass brother.

Are we still talking about me?

I got a thing, too. I'm allowed.

Well, not today.

Help me over to that office chair

so I can roll around.

Bevy, you can't cook
Thanksgiving in a roller chair.

I have to try.

Ow! Ow. Ow.

That's it.

We'll order Chinese.

Oh, no, you won't!

The stakes are too high.
(Inspirational music plays)

I need this meal.

I need to be knocked
motionless by meat and gravy.

I need to eat until my pants grow tight

and I move into elastic sweats.

Will I ever touch that weird,
gloppy cranberry thing?

Probably not.

But I deserve to find out.

Give me this. Give me Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry, love bug. I tried, but I can't.

My groin is out of commission.

Then let me be your groin.

(Smoke alarm blaring)

You're burning the rolls.

I didn't say 600. I said 375.

Ohh! I'm not a scientist!

(Blaring stops)
(Sighs) Oh, this is hopeless.

You haven't even cleaned the Turkey yet.

I told you... I'm not reaching
my hand in a Turkey's butt!

No way!

It's not that big a deal. Just do it.

(Squish)

Oh, no.

Oh, it's all cold and rubbery!

Aah! I touched something wet!
I touched something wet!

Well, do something.

I'll use the nerd glove.

(Grunts)

Don't worry, champ.

I'll get that Power Glove fixed
for you no problem...

Ohh, boy. It's in the butt.

Why? Why?!

Okay, so, I know that it's Thanksgiving,

and I want to say what I'm thankful for.

My freedom. I'm leaving now.

Please, Erica. I need you.

I love Barry, but he ruins everything.

She's right. I suck.

What's going on? What did Marvin do now?

I'm just here dealing
with the glove in the butt.

Why you got to accuse me of stuff?

I'll tell you why.

Because you've always got an angle.

You got some kind of grift going on.

I get caught grifting three times,

and he's never gonna let me
forget it already.

Just let him forget it already.

You brainwashed the kid, too.

I don't want you two spending
any more time together.

Oh, well, then you're
really not gonna like us

traveling around the country together

competing in Nintendo Championships!

- What?
- Adam: Like in "The Wizard."

He wants to take me town to town

to hustle people in video games.

It's win-win... if he wins.

This has been fun, but, uh,
where are my car keys, mom?

How should I know?

- Open your hand.
- No.

- Open your hand.
- No.

Mom. I shouldn't have to
even say this out loud.

No one here is pursuing
a career in video gaming.

You know, I don't have to take this abuse.

I'm out of here.

No! I got a perfectly good red lobster

right across from my hotel.

Oh, here we go.

Good day to you, sir.

(Door opens, closes)
Good day to you, sir!

No, good day to you, sir!

Okay, you're not going anywhere.

It's Thanksgiving!

- Unacceptable!
- Yes! (Crash)

All of this is unacceptable! I'm free!

Damn it! I dropped the orange potatoes!

Erica, take me with you.

Everybody, stop leaving me.

It's Thanks[Bleep]giving!

Have you been faking it this whole time?

No.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle. (Gasps)

No. I'm not going to Lainey's
for Thanksgiving.

I'm going for the whole weekend.

I got Turkey schmutz on my hand for you.

Now, this feels like Thanksgiving.

Hey, uh...

I wrangled this out of the Turkey butt.

Toweled it off for you.

I don't want it.

Come on.

You can't honestly be angry at me

for not letting you roam around the country

with your uncle.

He'd lose you at the first rest stop.

Well, it's your loss,

'cause I could have been
the champion and won it all...

Money, mansions, yachts,
fast cars, fast women.

I think you may be
overestimating the prizes.

Of course I am!

The world of high-stakes
Nintendo isn't even real.

Then why the hell would you go
along with your uncle?

'Cause it was nice for someone
to actually get me for once.

As this landed with my dad,

my sister was more than ready to take off.

- Going somewhere?
- Aah!

Pops, please.

I don't want to hear one of
your adorable, wise lectures

that makes me a better person.

Fine, I won't mix in.

But did you ever wonder why this
holiday makes your mother so crazy?

'Cause she's crazy?

For sure, but there's a reason

why this day means so much to her.

Because she always made dinner with Nana.

I know all about it.

Well, what you don't know is

that your mom was 17 when she lost Nana.

I didn't realize that.

That box of recipes,
the two of you cooking together,

it all brings back
your grandmother for her.

Why do you always got to
make me a better person?

(John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire"
[Man in motion] Plays)

(Sighs) Come on.
Let's go have Thanksgiving.

(Dialing) My dad was also
trying to be a better person

by beeping his brother to get him back...

(Beeper beeping)

No matter how far away he was,

which turned out to be very close.

(Beeping continues)

(Beeping stops)

♪ Growing up, you don't see
the writing on the wall ♪

Hey. Mur-man.

What brings you down to
your basement on Thanksgiving?

Beeping! What are you doing here?!

I thought you were staying at a hotel.

I have a perfectly good explanation.

I'm a liar.

But what about the money,
the Beeper Bayou in Trenton?

I got fired. It was totally unfounded.

All I did was sleep with the boss's wife

for, like, a bunch of times.

Everything you do is wrong.

You're right. I just...

I should just stay
as far away from your kid

as humanly possible.

♪ Soldier on, only you can do
what must be done ♪

Well, actually...

That's the one thing
you've been doing right.

And I may have said some things,

and that was only because...

♪ You're just a prisoner, and
you're trying to break free ♪

I, uh... I was jealous.

You were jealous?

I was... jealous. ♪ I can see the new
horizon underneath the blazing sky ♪

Of me?

♪ I'll be where the eagle's flying
higher and higher ♪ I mean, yeah.

I'm the guy who invented the rectangle.

Okay. Are you jealous of anything else?

(Scoffs) Like my cool threads?

- No.
- What about my awesome hairdo?

No, I'm good.

What about the fact

that you're gonna let me borrow $4,000

to invest in a garbage barge?

(Sighs)

Yeah, my uncle still annoyed my dad,
but it was Thanksgiving.

It was a time for forgiving.

♪ I can make it, I know I can ♪

All right.

You get the eggs,
and I'll get the hand mixer.

Shmoopie. You came home.

I guess I didn't want to
miss out on our tradition.

♪ I can see the new horizon
underneath the blazing sky ♪

♪ I'll be where the eagle's
flying higher and higher ♪

Oh, my little Turkey. (Chuckles)

♪ Gonna be your man in motion ♪

I cooked you in my oven.

Okay, come on. Don't make me regret this.

Let's go. We got a family to feed.

Honey, it's too late.
We'd have to start from scratch.

Hey. We are Goldbergs.

And we're gonna kick Thanksgiving's ass.

♪ Burning in me ♪

And they did. That day,
they were in perfect sync.

And it was all my mom ever wanted.

♪ I can feel St. Elmo's fire
burning in me ♪

We did it. (Both laugh)

(Chuckling) We kicked Thanksgiving's ass.

(Glass clinks)

I know I always drink too many Martinis,

and I... give a toast

about some beautiful dame
from my past, but...

This is for my wife, Irene...

The most beautiful dame who ever lived.

♪ Just once in his life ♪

Here, here.

(Chuckles)

And that's a Goldberg Thanksgiving.

- To Lainey.
- We stuck to all of our traditions...

Pops gave his toast,

my dad argued with Marvin at the table,

and Barry ate himself into a coma.

But this year, there was
one tradition that was new.

Move over. I want to shoot some ducks.

But w-what about your football match?

(Chuckles) Don't even try, all right?

Yep.

My dad and I played video games together,

and it was glorious.
(Dog chortling)

Why is the dog laughing at me?

Because you're terrible.

(Laughs) I don't know what I'm doing.

Here, you show me.

You hold it like this.

♪

Tell me my life, okay? Tell me my life.

I watched you... as dictated
by Barry and Beverly Goldberg.

Don't ruin my dinner. Come on, now.

You're ruining my dinner, okay?

Be... be my guest.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Oh, come on, now, Murray.
- Yeah!

You're yelling at me.
I don't need this crap.

(Door closes) Oh, hey.

Can you give me a hand
in making some posters?

I'm trying to advertise my new business.

What could you ever offer the world

that anyone would pay for?

We own a mower. I got a beeper.

Someone beeps me,

I rush over and tend
to all their landscaping needs.

That's... actually not a bad idea.

I know, right?

I've been posting signs
all over the neighborhood.

"Barry, The Grass King...
For all your grass needs.

- Pick me.
- Genius, right?

Oop! I got one!

And another!

- Oh! And another!
- Idiot!

You're the guy with the beeper who calls
himself The Grass King.

- Don't you get it?
- Yah. I'm gonna revenge.