The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 23 - Bill/Murray - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in
the '80s, they combined

the two greatest
things in the world,

music and television.

We all remember
our favorite veejays

introducing the coolest
videos on a constant loop.

The budgets were
as high as the hair,

and the animation ranged from
dancing cats to hunky cartoon boyfriends.

And no one was more addicted
to it than me and my sister.

I can't decide whether that guy's
hotter as a human or a cartoon.

If Jessica Rabbit taught
us anything, cartoon.

I mean, what did we even
do before MTV existed?



I think we just listened
to music like animals.

Hey. Get out!

You've been watching this
music MTV television for six hours.

Enough is enough.
Go do your homework.

Well, if you think about it,
I'm gonna be a musician,

so this is my homework.

And if you really
think about it,

my life's passion is making
films, so this is my homework, too.

Well, my passion is snuggies,

which I'm gonna shower you
with, if you don't leave right now.

Go, before I kiss your belly.

(SMOOCHING)

And you, have you even looked at
the college catalogs I brought you?

Actually, I have, and I've
narrowed it down to my top choices.



Oh, yes. It's happening.

You're growing up.

Oh, no, it's happening.
I'm not ready for this.

Make time stop. Make it stop!

Focus!

Okay, one option is the
London Conservatory of Music.

Ocean between us. Pass.

There's also an awesome
music program at UCLA.

Country between us. Pass.

Boston School of Music.

A Connecticut between us. Pass.

Mom. What about
something here in town,

like the prestigious
Jenkintown Funk Academy?

That's the dance studio/karate
dojo next to the mattress store.

There's got to be something
within driving distance.

Well, I guess Juilliard
is in New York.

That's my dream
school, but no one gets in.

(GASPS)

We're going to Juilliard.

Okay, stop. That's the
best school in the country.

Best for you, closest for me.

I am gonna make this happen.

I'm not getting in.

We're going to Juilliard.

It's impossible.

We're going to Juilliard!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was
May 6, 1980-something.

The school day was
going off without a hitch,

all thanks to the watchful
eye of Principal Earl Ball.

Let's go, youngsters.

Activate those legs so we
can activate those minds.

Oh.

Yes.

That's definitely
going into Earl's Pearls.

(CLATTERING)

(YELPING)

Hello there, sir.

There was a spill in science
lab. And we needed a mop.

We were kissing. She's pretty.

Why did you call
me when it's usually

my wife who handles
this annoying school crap?

Well, truthfully, I
couldn't reach her.

And more truthfully, I didn't
try because she scares me.

Sorry, I'm late.

We're having a
sale down at the...

Son of a bitch.

This guy.

And that guy was Lainey's dad,
my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.

Look, I called you
both in here today

because we need to talk about
what's going on with your kids.

There's nothing going on,

because I very clearly
and emphatically forbade it.

Well, for the third
time this week,

I caught them
canoodling in secret.

It's unacceptable.

We have a saying in Texas.

"Don't blame the armadillo.

"Blame the armadillo's
dumb father."

Oh.

We have a saying
here, "You're bald."

I'll have you know,
the ladies love it.

Okay. What is
happening here right now?

I'll tell you what's happening.

This schmuck
lives in Philadelphia,

yet he roots for the
Dallas Cowboys.

Who does that?

Red-blooded Americans,
that's who does that.

Gotta say, it surprises
me, this friction

that exists between
the two of you,

considering how similar you are.

Please. Come on.

No, no, no. For example,
you're both fathers.

You're both
small-business owners.

You both seem very angry.

That is true. I'll
give you that.

And you're both football fans.

Now, this is a bond
which I can respect

as a lifelong fan of the
New York football Giants.

Oh, you're a Giants fan?

Why the hell do you
live in Philadelphia?

He's got a point.

Unlike the Giants last season.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

For your information, we won
the Conference last year, so suck it!

So, what I actually
mean to say is that

it's always easier to get along,

than be short with each other.

And that is one of Earl's
Pearls you can take to the bank.

Well, thank you for
your wise advice,

and the Giants suck.

Yeah. They suck so hard.

But good luck next season.

Whoops.

ADULT ADAM: That day, my
dad and Bill Lewis discovered

their mutual
hatred of the Giants

wasn't the only thing
they had in common.

What are you doing here?

Everyone knows it's the best bar

across the street
from the school.

Do you know how I
discovered this place?

Last year's Christmas
concert, I bailed at intermission.

You lasted a lot
longer than I did.

Woof.

Forty kids playing Jingle
Bells on the clarinet?

I mean, how does
that ever end well?

I'll tell you how it ends,
with five of these, Bill.

You got that right, Murray.

Hey. Bill Murray,
like the ghostbuster.

That's funny. I
love Bill Murray.

Oh. He's the best.

Remember Caddyshack? Yeah.

"Cinderella story.

"Used to be a greenskeeper,
about to be Masters champion.

"Got about an eight iron,
I think. It's in the hole."

"It's in the hole.
I'm in Stripes."

Wow.

That is terrible.

Yeah. Impressions
aren't my thing.

"Well, at least you
got that going for you."

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

ADULT ADAM: As my dad started
to break the ice with his arch nemesis,

my mom was heating up her quest

to make Erica's dream
of Juilliard come true.

Mrs. Goldberg, I understand

that the college admissions
process can be a very scary journey.

The best thing I can
say is I'm scared, too.

Honestly, it is hard out there.

Wow. That's your opening?

I'm sorry. I've been up
for the past 26 hours.

I have a sick parrot at home.

Well, the good news is, we've
narrowed down our top choice to Juilliard.

I know it's a long shot, but do you
think I have a chance of getting in?

Absolutely.

Erica, you can do anything
that you set your mind to.

It's like my posters say,

"Keep reaching for the stars."

"Hang in there."

And that's the band Rush.

That's because I'm the
cool guidance counselor

who shows up at the school
basketball games in a casual polo.

See, Erica? This can happen.

This is so cool.

Well, I'm gonna go work on
my audition. Thanks, Mom.

Oh, that's the spirit.

You can do anything
you want. Anything at...

Yeah, she ain't gonna get in.

Excuse me?

Look, Erica is very talented,

but Juilliard is
another level, okay?

They only take
the best of the best.

And that's my daughter.

Okay, let me break
it down for you.

Imagine all of the
best people, in a room.

They only pick the best
of those best people.

My daughter. Okay.

Maybe I'm not
making myself clear.

We start with the
best. My daughter.

Not just at this school, but of
all the people, the whole world.

They only pick the best
of those best people.

So, when can we take a tour?

You know, maybe a
visual aid might help you

understand this
a little bit better.

This is Patty Snitzenberg.
She wrote this piece.

She carved the cello.

She's also blind.

And they rejected her like the
cold sons of bitches that they are.

Well, Erica is getting into
Juilliard. You want to know why?

'Cause I will make it happen.

You don't know the things
I've done for my children.

You don't want to know.

I kind of want to know.
You cannot know.

Look, this has to happen.

I convinced her to
apply. I gave her hope.

Yeah, I used to have a
hope poster up there, too.

Then I realized it was giving
the kids too much unrealistic hope.

ADULT ADAM: But with my mom
in charge, we didn't need hope.

Meanwhile, my dad was
charged up on his new friendship.

Look at you handsome fellas.

The hell's the matter with you?

Yeah.

You seem happy when you
should be super angry with me.

Nah. You're a cute kid.

What? Okay, what's
going on here?

Nothing. I just had
lunch with Bill Lewis.

You know, once you get past
the shiny head, not so awful.

Oh, my God. You're friends now?

Let's not get crazy.

This is amazing!

If Mr. Lewis likes
you, then he'll like me!

I'm proud of you, Mur.

Never thought I'd see the
day where you made a friend.

What are you talking
about? I got friends.

Name one. Vic.

He's your employee. You
pay him to be around you.

What about deli
guy? Love deli guy.

You only love him 'cause
he gives you corned beef.

Do you even know
what he looks like?

Yeah, deli guy. You know,
wears an apron. Goes like this.

Face it, Dad. This is
your first real friend.

So, when are you
hanging out next?

Okay, he's just a guy I had
lunch with. It's no big deal.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Hold on. It's him.

Play it cool.

Tell him you're on the
other line with another friend.

Get out of here.

Hey, Bill.

Yeah. Nothing. Just
watching the tube.

Are you kidding?

I love cheesesteaks.

Barry!

Get off the phone. I
can hear you breathing.

Ask him how he's feeling.

Then compliment
his telephone voice.

Barry!

ADULT ADAM: As my dad made
plans with his new best friend,

my mom had her own plan to make
Erica look like the best of the best.

Hi, Juilliard admissions board.

I'm Erica Goldberg from
Jenkintown, Pennsylvania.

And I'm going to play... Cut.

Cut. That's a cut.

No, not "Cut."

I'm in the middle of
my Juilliard audition.

Hon, I love the
spirit and the passion

and everything
you're doing here,

but it's, like, "Gag
me with a spoon."

Sorry, do you
kids still say that?

We never really did.

You need a video
that stands out,

like the ones on your
MTV music television.

Ooh, I like where
you're heading here.

We're talking crazy camera
angles, pyrotechnics, jiggly girls.

Everyone loves jiggly girls.

We'll put a pin in that one.

Guys, Juilliard
is a serious place.

I just need to
showcase my voice.

You said it yourself,
MTV is the way

people want to experience
music these days.

Sure, you can sing.

But we also want show them
that you're a star like Madonna.

But you really are a virgin.

Say you're a virgin.
Actually, no, don't tell me.

I guess a cool audition tape
would kind of make me stand out.

You focus on the music
and leave the rest to us.

Yeah.

By the time we're done,
Juilliard will be begging you to go.

Just trust Mama. Nothing crazy.

You got it, schmoopie.

We got to figure out how to
get a white stallion down here.

ADULT ADAM: It was Saturday
afternoon, and my dad was about to take

his friendship with Bill
Lewis to the next level.

I'm going out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Going where? DMV?

Car wash?

Picking up trash on the highway?

I'm meeting Bill Lewis.

Exactly.

This is the first time you're hanging
out with your new, special friend.

You're looking like
a Monday morning

when I need you to
look like a Friday night.

I usually sit in front of the TV,
with no pants on Friday night.

Seems like that's most nights.

Look, Lainey and I need
this friendship to work.

That means putting
in some actual effort.

But not too much effort.

You don't want to seem
like you're trying too hard.

Here, let me fix this.

Stop it, you moron.

I'm having cheesesteaks
with another middle-aged man.

He doesn't care
what I look like.

Of course not.

Although my dad does have some
surprisingly strong opinions about loafers.

He's not a fan. Would you
consider changing to a lace-up?

No! Where'd you get my shoes?

Do you even have an icebreaker?

Anecdote, topic of
conversation, funny joke?

You guys are nuts.

(GROANING)

Get out of my head!

ADULT ADAM: And so
began the first and only

bromance of Murray
Goldberg's life.

For the next two
weeks, their adventures

would become
the stuff of legend.

Bill and Murray were a dynamic
duo that shared so much in common.

Like TV and sitting.

And food and more food
and bathroom breaks.

And napping and
sitting and sweating.

Could you turn the
air-conditioning on?

Right over there. (GRUNTING)

ADULT ADAM: And TV.

And more TV.

You think I could pull
off a Magnum mustache?

You throw away your razor
and buy a Hawaiian shirt,

because you are Magnum.

Ha.

A Sony Watchman.

Bill, you shouldn't have.

Well, I saw it, and a
TV reminded me of you.

One-and-a-half-inch screen,
glorious black-and-white,

and you can take this thing
anywhere and no one will even notice.

This is perfect for
my on-the-go lifestyle.

ADULT ADAM: Yup, my dad was
discovering the highs of true friendship.

Unfortunately, he was
about to discover the lows.

Well, it's late. I
guess I should go.

You sure you don't
want to watch me watch?

Nah, I can't.

To be honest, I should
probably be by myself.

Tough night for
me and all. Okay.

'Cause seven years ago today, my
wife left me to raise Lainey on my own.

Okay.

Kind of rocked my world. Okay.

I guess talking it
out would be helpful.

Or taking a nice walk alone.

(SIGHING)

ADULT ADAM: And with that, Bill Lewis
opened up his heart to my closed-off dad.

I wish I had some batteries.

ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile, I was
downstairs kicking off my career

as a visionary
music video director.

Whoa! What's with
the stool, honey?

Don't call me
"honey." It's weird.

And what's all this crap?

Okay, I watched seven straight hours
of MTV, and I cracked their formula.

A music video is one
part thumping bass,

one part big hair, and one
part animated dancing cat.

Go away.

Trust your director.

Ditch the stool and sit
on this taxidermy ram.

And my mom said I was
creepy for owning this.

Um, why is Dave Kim here?

We needed a crew, and he
said he would work for free

if he could stand close to you.

Classic love story.
Pop star falls for roadie.

That's never happened
in the history of music.

Oh, it will. In fact,
it's already begun.

Action.

♪ You with the sad eyes

♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

ADULT ADAM: As director, it was my job
to amp up my sister's tender love ballad.

First, the wind machine.

Gah! Why?

ADULT ADAM: Next,
a rock 'n' roll reptile.

♪ ...so small ♪

ADULT ADAM: Followed
by a thick, haunting fog.

(COUGHING) Can anyone hear me?

ADULT ADAM: And since
all my mom cared about

was getting
Erica into Juilliard,

she paid for a blue screen.

Stop it. Mom,
what are you doing?

It's a dancing cat like
in the Paula Abdul video.

ADULT ADAM: My mom
even hired a band of sexy,

stone-faced, Robert
Palmer dancers

from the Jenkintown
Funk Academy.

Yep, I drew from every
badass music video before me,

from a-ha to ZZ Top,
and it was genius.

Meanwhile, my dad was looking
for a clever way to bail on his friend.

Hey, guys.

(SOBBING) (SOFTLY) Help me.

I should go.

(CLEARING THROAT)

No, I should.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MURRAY: Okay, let's go
out the back door. Come on.

(SOBBING)

Thanks for this, Mur. It's nice to
have a friendly ear to count on.

So, see you soon?
Yeah, we'll be in touch.

Drive safe, pal.

And that concludes my
brief foray into friendship.

Wait, what? No!

He cried on my
shirt. On my shirt.

Deli guy never
cries on my shirt.

Deli guy isn't your friend!

I'm sorry, but Bill's gotta go.

Don't you dare hurt him.

He's a wonderful person
and the gatekeeper

to the only hot girl I
ever tricked into liking me.

It's over, Barry. Move on.

Okay, I don't want
to get real right now,

but if you blow this friendship,
I'm gonna be extremely angry.

You're always angry.

Damn it! It's so true
and even more angering!

ADULT ADAM: For the next
week, my dad avoided Bill Lewis

as my mom desperately waited
for me to finish my masterpiece.

Ahhh!

I'm trying to work here.

The deadline for Juilliard is this
week. Just show us what you've got.

♪ So, don't be
afraid to let them show

♪ Your true colors ♪

Stop it! Stop it. Stop.

This part's
definitely not right...

ADULT ADAM: I said,
knowing what was to come.

My intention was for
Erica to be beckoned

into a magical cartoon
world like in the a-ha video,

but it ended up
looking like this.

♪ ...inside you can
make you feel so small

♪ And I see your true colors ♪

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no. My God.

Here's the thing. I may have
bitten off more than I could chew.

It turns out animation
is really hard

and it requires
hundreds of people.

This is terrible, I
can't send this in.

Look, we all agree
this video isn't it.

Not it? Are you
seeing what I'm seeing?

There's robots punching dragons,

and I'm a droopy-eyed
stick figure riding a unicorn!

Gag me with a spoon!

See, I knew you
still used that phrase.

You know, I could probably
cover a lot of this with smoke.

A lot of (BLEEP) smoke.

Just forget it. I'm not an
idiot. I know I'm not the best,

and I probably have no
chance of getting into Juilliard.

ADULT ADAM: And at that moment,
my mom knew Erica was right.

I'm sorry, Mom, but it's over.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, my mom's
dream of keeping Erica close to home

was only pushing them apart.

Ever since Bill's emotional outburst,
my dad had been avoiding him.

Only problem, he
couldn't hide forever.

Hide me.

Huh?

Hey, Mur.

There you are, standing
behind that other guy.

It's me, Bill Lewis.

Oh, hey, Bill.

What are you doing
here, where I work?

Hadn't heard from you in a week.

Thought I'd drop on
by, see if you're okay.

Yeah, well, we've just been
crazy-busy here at work.

Yeah.

Anyway, hey, you
want to hit TGI Friday's?

It's like every day is
Friday at that place.

Actually, I got
lunch plans with Vic.

Who's Vic? I'm Vic.

You and Vic buddies? I never
heard you mention him before.

Yeah, we don't hang out
much. He's just an employee.

Was I just an employee when we
went clamming together that one time?

You went clamming with this
man, and you didn't invite me?

I didn't even know you then.

It was nothing.
Oh, is that right?

What's the problem
here, Mur-man?

You know what
the real problem is?

You and your man tears.

Murray's got walls.
How about you, Vic?

You want to hit up
TGI Friday's with me?

No, man. I don't know you.

Well, this is a fine
how-do-you-do.

I'll see you never.

Walls, Murray. You got walls.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad watched
his only friend walk out of his life,

my mom was finally ready to
set Erica off on her own path.

Hey, schmoopie-boops.

Stop it. I told you no
more music MTV videos.

Agreed.

This is the way you should
have done it all along, your way.

What's the point?

The point is to try.

Look, don't give up just because

I pushed you in
the wrong direction.

ADULT ADAM: My mom finally
accepted that she couldn't control

where her little girl
would get into college.

Take this guitar and
do what you do best.

ADULT ADAM: But as long
as Erica stayed true to herself,

she'd always find
her way back home.

♪ You with the sad eyes

♪ Don't be discouraged

♪ Oh, I realize

♪ It's hard to take courage

♪ In a world full of people... ♪

Miss him, don't you? No.

Then why are you watching
the teeny TV he gave you

when there's a
big one right there?

Maybe it was kind of nice to
have somebody to hang out with.

Even though he cried.

Murray, that's
what friendship is.

You got to be there in the
good times and in the bad.

I guess I'm just not cut
out for that kind of thing.

No, you are.

'Cause of all the friends
I ever made in my life,

you're my favorite.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, Bill
wasn't my father's first friend.

It was Pops.

And it made my dad realize
that opening yourself up

isn't as hard as he thought.

Hey.

Oh, it's you.

Should I leave?

'Cause you never know when
I might express my feelings.

You know, like a human being.

If you're sad, you can talk to
me about your ex-wife and all.

I'm actually
feeling better today.

Thank God.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, Bill Murray.

ADULT ADAM: It's
funny how life works out.

You find that your worst enemy
can become your greatest ally.

And the greatest
guidance counselors

aren't the ones
you're given in school.

They're the people
who love you most.

Well, here goes nothing.

No matter what happens,

you'll always be the
best of the best to me.

ADULT ADAM: 'Cause in the end,
when you've got family to help guide you

and good friends to lean on,

nothing in life is impossible.

"And the flowers
are still standing."

"I'm Bill Murray.
Meatballs and Scrooged."

You know, that's not
really an impression.

Funny movies, though.

They're very funny.
BILL: Funny movies.

I know you still got a couple of
years here, but we like to check in early

to see where you're
thinking of going to college.

Where did you go
to school? Princeton.

Okay. Let's cross
that off the list.

Princeton happens to be a
very prestigious university.

But you're here.

So... Hey.

I have a lot of side projects.

Like what? I sculpt.

I'm working on a
heart-smart cookbook.

And I have my bird.

Yeah, maybe there's
someone else I can talk to.

That'd probably be best.

Hang in there,
Andre. Hang in there.