The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 24 - Goldbergs Feel Hard - full transcript

Beverly insists on throwing Erica a going away party when she leaves for her summer arts school.

Growing up, my mom
made every lunch bag

an ornate tapestry
of her love for us.

Each morning, she made it her
top priority to send us to school

knowing that we
meant the world to her.

And while none of her kids ever really
appreciated her expressions of affection,

that didn't stop my mom
from constantly declaring

how she adored us with
every ounce of her soul.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

I love you. Mom!

And the basketball
pep rally is after lunch.

Also, Barry Goldberg,
your mother loves you.

You didn't say it with love.

Barry, I love you.

I love you, boopie.

I love you so much.

Hey, you, with the window
open, tell my baby I love him!

Adam, if you need to
make, call me! I'll pick you up!

My father, on the other hand,
was not nearly as effusive.

Why you got to be
a moron all the time?

Don't be a moron.
Get your ass home.

You're a moron.

Oh, yeah, my dad was
miles from sentimental.

Okay, heading off to prom.

Erica, wait.

Can you, uh, get me the remote?

And no matter what we did,

my dad was literally
incapable of saying "I love you."

Great pass, Bobby!
I love you, son!

Bar! Hey, Bar!

I want to beat the traffic!

Catch a ride home with Bobby!

He Couldn't even
say "I love you"

when Erica was accepted
into the governor's school,

a prestigious summer
music program.

But my mother more
than made up for it.

And I'm not saying other
people don't love their children.

I'm just saying I love mine
way more than they love theirs.

So, to sum it all up.

Mama hawk's
gonna miss baby bird.

Here, I bought you a
going-away present.

I'm sure you'll look
at it every night.

Oh, good. A photo album.

Not the leather jacket
or boots I wanted.

And now, your father would
like to say a few heartfelt words.

Uh, no, no, no, I'm good. Your
20-minute speech covered all the bases.

Speech! Tell your
daughter how you feel.

This is gonna be so
uncomfortable. Mmm.

Speech! Speech!

Shut up, Barry! Take
the knife away from him.

Erica, you're, uh, my first kid.

Uh, could have been worse.

What he meant to say was
that he loves you so much, baby.

But then my dad
really opened his heart.

Sure. Wow.

Yeah, for him, that's
as open as it gets.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was May 13th, 1980-something,

the day I'd finally profess
my love for my girlfriend,

and nothing would stop me.

What the hell, dude?
Those aren't for you.

Hey, don't leave a basketball
in front of Michael Jordan

and expect him not to dunk it.

From downtown!

Idiot. Can't you read?

These are for Dana.

I'm finally gonna
tell her I love her.

What? Isn't it great?

He's telling his girl he
loves her with baked goods.

You can't tell a
girl you love her.

It ruins everything. Trust me.

Please don't trust him.

Love is dangerous,
and it can hurt people,

like a ninja riding on
a saber-toothed tiger.

Please don't trust him.

You can't just say it. It
makes you look vulnerable.

And she'll lose
all respect for you.

Well, I got to do something.

Dana and her family are
going away for the summer.

What if she meets a guy
while she's in Seattle?

Why are you worried about
some dude from Canada?

You just need to relax and
maintain the upper hand.

I just don't want to lose her.

So, this is what you do,
you march up to Dana.

You gently cup her
beautiful face in your hands,

look deep into her brown eyes,
and attack her one weakness,

like, "You got
gremlin ears, girl."

Don't do that. Do that!

Don't do that.

Do that! It's your only choice!

Give me these cupcakes. No!

Oh, God! What?

Barry was a man
of strong convictions.

Unfortunately, he was never
one to follow his own advice.

What do you mean, you
got practice until 5:00?

You promised your man
you'd watch him do leg curls.

I really didn't, but
I will drop by after.

I'll bring you one of those
frozen burritos you like.

God, you so get me. I love you.

And in a moment
of sheer stupidity,

Barry had accidently
dropped the L-bomb.

His only hope was that
Lainey didn't hear him.

- What did you just say?
- But she did.

I said...

You got gremlin ears, girl.

Barry Norman
Goldberg with the save.

While Barry was denying
he said the "L" word,

my mom was livid
that my dad couldn't.

Okay. You're rage-cleaning.

Before you wipe a hole in
the counter, tell me what I did.

Why can't you just tell
the kids you love them?

You tell them 100 times a day.

How much love do
these people need?

I only say it so much
to pick up your slack.

Why do I got to say it out loud?

I love bacon, but I never
actually say it. Bacon just knows.

You always say you love bacon.

Well, that is true.

But I tell the kids I
love them every day

by putting a roof
over their heads.

Yeah? Well, what's gonna happen
when Erica leaves for the summer?

Where's your
fancy love roof then?

Well, you've got a point.

Okay, Bevy, I'll go do my thing.

And that thing was to
go sit right in his chair...

Nope. And ignore my mom.

You really should go tell
your daughter you love her.

You weren't in the room.
How do you even know this?

You basically yell
everything you say.

And for the record, I
completely agree with Beverly.

I'm not saying "I love you."

My dad never said it to
me, and I turned out fine.

No, you're the best.

Why are you busting my chops?

"I love you" isn't
something a dad says.

Here, watch me.

What are you doing? Why
are you moving in on me?

I love you, Mur. Oh.

I love you, Mur. Oh.

I love you, Murray Goldberg.

This is a nightmare.

While my dad was being
forced to say "I love you,"

I was ready to open
up my heart to Dana.

Long before texting, the only way to
profess your deepest feelings for a girl

was to pen an epic love letter and
coolly hand-deliver it into her locker.

Will you just stop? You've
been dodging me for two days.

It's only been two days? Feels like
I've been dodging you for a week.

Oh! Why did you have
to say "I love you"?

It's no big deal. I
say it all the time.

Watch. I love you, Dan!

Oh, love you, too, bro.

See? Means nothing.


Okay, if anything, you need
to stop reading into things.

It's not like I said, "I love you
more than anything in the world,"

or that you're my
moon and my sun

and, "If you want to
get married right now,

"I'd run away and never
see my family again."

I never said any of those
things, so get over yourself.

I have practice,
okay? I got to go.

Barry was right. Saying "I
love you" ruined everything.

Lucky for me, I wrote it down
and could easily take it back.

Or so I thought.

No, no, no.

There you are. Aah!

Third-period bell just
rang. Then you should go.

But I got to get my homework.

It's more important to be on time
than to have your homework, am I right?

Move it, move it. No...

While I was trying to keep
Dana from knowing I loved her,

my dad went to
Erica to finally say it.

Hey. Hey?

You, uh, seem
surprised to see me here.

Well, you usually don't make
it this far down the hallway.

Yeah, well, it's really not
on the way to anything.

So, what do you want?

I, um...

Was just thinking that, um,

you know, you're going away
for the summer and all, and...

You know, I don't
really say it much.

I, um...

What's happening? You
know, I just wanted to say...

I love you. What?

I love you. What?

I love you. What?

You heard me. I really didn't.

I'm just saying... Oh, God.

That I, uh...

love you.

Are you sick or something? No.

Did you gamble
away my college fund?

That's nuts. Where
did you get that from?

Well, I know you and
Mom aren't getting divorced

because your survival
depends on her.

So what is this?
You're freaking me out.

It's nothing, damn it! I just
wanted to say I love you!

Okay. Um...


So, that's it, huh?

Okay, all right. So, I
guess I'll be on my way.

Well, I said the
thing to the girl.

We can all get
on with our lives.

Oh, come on. I want details.

She didn't say it back.

They always say it back.

Not in this case.

Maybe you didn't say it right.

I want a do-over, Murray.
Go back up and try again.

No do-overs! I'm never
saying those words again.

Don't say that just 'cause
your feelings are hurt.

My feelings aren't hurt.

I just discovered that I'm
not my daughter's cup of tea.

That would honestly
rock me to the core.

Yeah, well, you know.

I mean, that's a rejection of you
both as a father and a human being.

It's fine. You'd think
she'd say it just to be polite.

Okay, it stings a little.

This is your fault.
You set me up. Well...

That was my first and
last "I love you" ever!

It was third period,

and I was running out of time to
rescue my love letter from Dana's locker.

Damn it! What am
I even listening for?

The movies lied.

Out of options, there was
only one logical choice left.

Pull the fire alarm.

Sure, it was a serious crime.

But as long as I played
it cool and acted quick,

no one would be the wiser.


My office! Now!

Son, I've been here a long time,

and I've seen a lot of kids pull that
fire alarm for a lot of different reasons.

What's yours?

Pop quiz in chemistry? No.

Arousing daydream? No!

Had a fart that
fooled you? Worse.

Ooh. I'm intrigued.

I have an awesome girlfriend,
and I wrote her a letter.

Ka-boom. The problem is,

I stupidly signed the letter
"I love you," and now...

Now you're out on
a ledge, exposed,

with a giant target
on your heart.

There are no more dangerous
words than "I love you."

Wow. Yeah.

Just 'cause I wear the
same tiny shorts every day

doesn't mean I
don't wear many hats.

Coach knows love good.

I even played the Russian
mail-order game, and I did not win.

Let's just say...

"Woo! Woo!"

It was an express to sad town.

Coach! Coach! I need your help.

What are you doing?
He's helping me right now.

Go away! I actually
got real adult problems.

I want to be a cheerleader.
We've all been there. Why?

My lady. She's been
pushing me away.

But you know the saying,
If you love someone,

you become a male cheerleader
and trap them into loving you.

Dang. You Goldberg's feel hard.

You leave it all on the
field, just like Coach.

Well, don't worry. I
can help you both.

You can help me get
my letter back? You got it.

And I can be a cheerleading
man? Oh, no. No, God, no.

I got one position open,
if you got the nards.

I'm looking for a brave
soul to be the team mascot.

Well, my soul's
the bravest, Coach.

While Barry would do
anything to stay close to Lainey,

my mom was furious with
Erica for pushing my dad away.

Mom, stop rage-juicing.

If you want to talk, I'm
right here. How could you?

I've done some
questionable things lately,

so if you could just say
out loud what I did first,

just so we're all
on the same page.

Your father said, "I love
you," and you didn't say it back.

Yes. That is definitely the
worst thing I've done this week.

Why can't you just
say it back to him?

You have no problem
saying "I love you" to me.

That's because you say it
so much, it's meaningless.

I'm on autopilot.

It's like saying "God bless
you" after someone sneezes.

It was a disaster
when he said it,

and I'm not gonna make it worse.

What if I make it
worth your while?

Wait, are you
trying to bribe me?

Please, you wouldn't
believe what it would take

to get me to do this. Oh.

I'm not saying no.

I'm just saying, come
in high with your offer.

Is that a new jacket?
It is. I love you, Dad.

Turns out the price
of love is $57 plus tax.

Oh, God! She's
opening up her locker!

Quick, pull the fire
alarm. Come on, Goldberg.

Pulling the fire alarm
is morally reprehensible.

All right, people,
impromptu drug search!

Open your lockers!

Think we'll start over here. I'm
searching your locker, Caldwell.

Me? Why?

Well, let's just say I
got it on good authority

there's a butt-load
of 'ludes in there.

What's a 'lude? Don't
play coy with me.

I know a 'lude-head
when I see one.

All right, let's see here.

Okay, search is over, people!

Let's go! Asses to classes!

Stay clean, Caldwell.

Even though Coach
Mellor saved me

from making the
biggest mistake of my life,

nothing could save
Barry from this debacle.

While my brother considered
himself an expert at many things,

the fine art of mascot-ing
was not one of them.

Turns out the only thing creepier
than Barry spying on his girlfriend

was the 10-pound, dead-eyed,
grinning Quaker strapped to his head.

Hey! What are you... Back off!


Surprise! It's Barry!

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

I'm the fighting Quaker!

I thought dressing in a giant,
rubber Donald Sutherland head

would be the perfect way of
making things less weird between us.

This makes things
so much weirder.

Please, just go.

Only if you say "I love you"
back so it makes things even.

Go on.

Tell me you love me.

My eyes are in my
mouth, so say it right here.

I'm sorry, Barry.
I'm not gonna say it.

Ouch. She doesn't love you, bro.

Off, Lyle and Kyle.

Whoa! Easy!

I will throw you, bro,

and not in a cheerleading way.

All right, bring it in!

Cheerleaders and mascot, too.

Big away game at
Central High tonight.

Heated rivalry, big stakes.

That means some of
you are going to get hurt.

Sprained ankles, jammed fingers,

not to mention guaranteed off-the-court
attacks on some of our support personnel.

I'm sorry. What, now?

I thought you knew about this.

Last year, some of our
more passionate fans

laid a swift beat down on
their mascot, Bobby the Beaver.

Tonight, revenge hangs like a
thick fog over the entire squad,

although some of us might be wearing
cumbersome, vision-hindering costumes,

which will make us even
more of a target than the others.

Uh, coach? Yes?

Our brave, doomed
Quaker has a question.

I know you're giving us
a general pep talk and all,

but it feels directed
mostly toward me.

Oh, my God, Barry. Take
off the stupid costume.

They're gonna break
every bone in your body.

My heart bone's
already been broken, girl.

That's the spirit.

Give Barry a hug before you go.

May be some time before
you get a chance to do it again.

Not a good time, Dan.

Even though my mom
bribed Erica to say "I love you,"

she was so giddy with the
results that she doubled down.

Dad! There's my guy!

Just wanted to say I love you.

I love you so much.

She really does.

What the hell's going
on with you two?

Nothing. I just love you, man.

Did you put her up to this?

First the jacket, now new boots?

Are you buying her leather goods
so she'll say "I love you" to me?


Come on.

I am guilty. Yes.

Stop pulling strings, Dad!
I love you. Just drop it.

Well, I don't accept it.

What? You can't reject my love.

Oh, I reject it. I
reject it but good.

Take it. Take the "I love you."

Just take it, Murray.
It's love. Take it.

No. She's using it as a weapon.

I love you!

See? It stings, doesn't it?

Oh, you want it to sting?

I love you! Take that.

Is that all you got? I love you!

I love you so much! Eat it!

I love you more!
Boom! In your face!

Shut your mouth,
'cause I love you more!

I love you to
infinity! I love you!

My love knows no bounds
all the way to infinity!

Aah! Aah!

While my dad and Erica
were using love as a weapon,

my brother was at our rival high
school with a target on his back.

The fighting Quaker didn't
have a fighting chance.

Kill the Quaker!

Kill the Quaker!

Oh, my God! Barry, that's you!

You're the one
they're gonna kill.

Dude, just hide on the
bus. That's what I do.

A sane man would have listened,

but my bro was
anything but sane.

No! No hiding!

I'm gonna go out there!

It's the least I can do after you all
took me into your cheerleading family.

Especially you, Lyle.

Not you, Kyle. You suck.

Point is, it's been quite
a ride, cheerleaders,

but the ride ends now.

Barry, wait.
Barry, don't do this.

Why do you even care?

Because I love you, okay? God.

You're just saying that 'cause
you don't want me to die.

Of course, I don't
want you to die.

But I really do love you.

Then why didn't you say it back?

I was scared, okay?

When my mom left,
it crushed my dad,

so I swore I'd never be so
dumb to fall in love myself.

But you're just so dumb, you
made me fall in love with you anyway.

So, you really love me?

Wait, you're still
going out there?

You bet I am.

I'm as strong as all the oceans,

as powerful as a
really big magnet.

As awesome as a thunder cat!

Because Lainey Lewis
loves Barry Goldberg!

It was a moment my brother
would hold onto forever.

The girl of his dreams
loved him back,

and nothing could hurt him now.

Well, nothing except a
vengeful mob of angry fans.

But as I watched my brother single-handedly
battle an entire high school,

I realized that with love on your
side, you can take on anything.

Sure, there's nothing
more dangerous or scary

than putting your
heart on the line.

But as I raced into the night,

I knew that love was
a risk worth taking.


Dana. I...

What? What's wrong?

I wrote you this whole thing 'cause
I was so scared to say it out loud.

I'm not scared anymore.

Dana, I love you.

I love you.


love you, too.

And that's what
makes all this so hard.

I just didn't know how
to tell you. Tell me what?

We're not going to
Seattle just for the summer.

My dad got offered
a job there, so...

We're gonna see if we like it.

But you can't just leave.


My Green Lantern ring?

Hopefully, I'm there
on the first day of school

and you can give it back to me.

Good-bye, Adam.

That's the thing
about young love.

As magical as it is, it's
just as unpredictable.

Doing some rage-packing, huh?

Well, wonder
where I get it from.

Shmoopie, I can't let you leave
things this way with your father.

We were totally fine
before you broke us.

No, I get it now.

Just 'cause I say "I love you" all
the time doesn't mean you have to.

I just wanted both of you to know
how you feel about each other.

He's my dad. I love
him more than anything.

Trust me, he knows.

And she was
right. He really did.

Even though Erica and my dad were
never able to actually say the words,

they didn't have to.

Because when it comes to family,

you know in your
heart how they feel.

I love you, I love
you, I love you.

And you carry that love with
you no matter how far you go.

So... So...

Have a nice summer, peanut.

And, uh...

I know, Dad. Me, too.

You okay?

Okay, come on. I'm sorry.

Looking back on your
childhood is a funny thing.

Sure, the details get fuzzy,
and the days blend together.

But the good news is
all the hurt fades away,

and you just end up
remembering the love.

You remember your family.
You remember 1980-something.

And you wouldn't change a thing.

Our family's here. Ha!
Come on and see our family.

I love you. I love
you. Oh, geez.

I Love him. I love him.

Fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight!


We gather here today to witness
the burial of Optimus Prime.

Yeah, kiddo!

Barry, that was amazing.

What's up? Who's this?

We assumed it was you.