The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - Worst Grinch Ever - full transcript

Back in the
'80s, my mom always loved

celebrating Hanukkah.

Merry Hanukkah.

It was an over-the-top spectacle

that would rival any
Christmas.

Yeah, baby!

And now that there was a
new Goldberg in the house,

my mom was ready for it to
be the best Hanukkah ever.

Until...

What in the holly jolly hell?

Can someone explain to
me the meaning of this?



Aww! Aww.

It's Mrs. Claus.

Squeeze her cookie-baking hand.

What a delight.

Is that a xylophone
or a marimba?

What it is is sacrilege.

We are a Hanukkah family!

Calm down, Golda Meir.

The baby just likes her because
she's soft. It's no biggie.

By placing Santa's gal pal in
the crib of my grandschmoo,

you are disrespecting the
holiday of our people.

Please. You don't even
know what Hanukkah's about.

Of course I do!

Yeah, I'm not talking
about the menorah



or the inflatable
dreidel on the lawn

that Barry always ends up
getting in a fight with.

I mean the real
story of Hanukkah.

Let me just gather my
thoughts for a minute

because I have so many
specific, clear ones.

You know what would
be fun? Blind folds.

Boys, tell Erica the
true meaning of Hanukkah.

No problem. Easy peasy.

It begins in ancient times.

Moses led our people
to the championships.

And I'm not talking
about Moses Malone.

This guy couldn't even dunk.

No.

It all started

because there were
some bad dudes

being jerks to our distant...

And let's be honest, gross
and sweaty... ancestors.

A beard in the
desert? No, thank you.

Such a bad start.

I don't want to get bogged
down in the details.

I think it's safe
to say you didn't.

Don't forget, our
good guys received

a huge treasure of
chocolate money,

and they were like, "Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. This tastes good."

Wow. Just wow.

By the way, Erica, the
money is called gelt.

Okay, great work, everyone.

Proud moment for our people.

We're officially
keeping Lady Santa.

Um, I'm the only homemaker of the holiday
season.

Aww, it wouldn't be Hanukkah without
a physical altercation. Let go.

'Tis the season for
mother-daughter wrestling.

I also bought a
dreidel. Anyone?

Stop it! Yeah!

Captions by VITAC...

It was December
7, 1980-something,

and it was closing
time at the diner.

Man, I only made 17
bucks in tips tonight.

Happy holidays from
Reagan's America.

'Sup with you and Carmen?

Oh, I-I don't know.

We haven't talked that much

since that night I
slept at her place.

You slept over and
didn't talk to her after?

Bro. I have never respected
you before this moment.

I-I just passed
out on her couch.

Oh, no!

Maybe she's upset because I
didn't fold the blanket after.

What a rude house guest! Dude.

You literally ruin every story,
even the interesting ones.

But she keeps peeking
over and smiling.

Good. Very casual.

Why would she be
interested in me?

'Cause you're nothing like the
bad boys she's used to dating.

You're actually a
little sweetie pie.

It's disgusting, but she
likes what she likes.

Now go ask her out. Come on.

Hey, Carmen. What's good...

in the hood?

Now, I feel like we
haven't talked in a while.

Well, I guess things
have been busy,

what with the holidays
and the excitement

about the closing of
the calendar year.

Whoa.

Uh, what was that for?

Mistletoe.

Oh! Thank you, magical
Christmas vegetation!

You are too cute.

So, um, you think, uh, maybe...

And you're free to say
no, I won't be upset.

I mean, I will, but
that's not your problem...

Are you asking me out?

Yyyyy-nnnnnnn... Yes?

It took you long enough.

Well, first eggnog's on me

because people have been crazy
generous with their tips.

I don't mean to objectify you,

but I think you're
being rewarded

because you're so pretty.

You think I'm pretty?

Oh, wow, I was
accidentally smooth.

I mean... Yeah,
girl.

You fine.

Shh.

Mistletoe.

While things were
looking up with Carmen,

my mom was giving Lou and Linda

the lowdown on her big
threat to Hanukkah.

Thank you for convening
for our first ever

Council of Grandparents meeting.

That sounds like nonsense,

but you made coffee
cake, so I'm here.

I found this monstrosity
in Muriel's crib!

Is that Mrs. Garrett
from "The Facts of Life"?

No. Are you sure?

She's got that apron.

Can we go one day without

you talking about
Mrs. Garrett?

Here's a fact of life...

No.

It's Mrs. Claus. Of
the North Pole Clauses?

Our children bought this
for our granddaughter,

and despite my protestations,
she is keeping it.

Oh, no, she's not! Why not?

This toy is a
gateway to Christmas.

Thank you.

First the baby
loves this old lady,

next thing you know, she's
making gingerbread houses

and talking lovingly
about Connecticut.

And then we've lost her forever.

Because of a toy?

They have better music.

They get to put trees
in their houses.

Oh! Spiral cut ham!

My God, that baby is doomed.

Maybe Muriel could have a
little bit of Christmas.

My cousin's
gynecologist's daughter

celebrated Christmas once

and got all caught
up in the spirit.

Well, she fell off a
ladder hanging ornaments,

broke her pelvis,

and now she water-skis
from a special chair.

So she's still kinda doing it?

Our people don't
water-ski, Linda!

I don't care how many
pelvises you have.

We have to put a stop
to this, but how?

Maybe the toy goes missing.

Mm-hmm.

Babies lose things all the time.

No, they don't. She
lives in a crib.

Listen to me very
carefully, Linda.

Mrs. Kringle here is gonna
sleep with the fishes.

Is that supposed to be menacing?

Because it looks like
you ate a bad egg.

Lou scares no one, but
the sentiment is right.

Yay! We're gonna
whack a child's toy!

Ho, ho, ho.

While the grandparents
were planning a hit,

Dave Kim and I were
hitting the town.

Carmen just walked
up to me in the diner

and had to have me.

That's remarkable.

Even as I hear it a third time.

Sorry. How's your
romantic life at NYU?

My roommate seems to be
getting tons of action.

Sometimes I wake up to his
guest's enthusiastic noises,

so I'm kinda part of it.

Oh, balls.

Balls, indeed.

It was my ex-girlfriend, and
she was headed right for me.

Hey, guys. Brea!

I didn't know you were
back from Brown yet.

Sorry. I-I was gonna call you.

Joanne picked me up
from the train station

and we just came straight here.

I wasn't aware you two were

"get each other from the
train station" type homies.

Well, when you date a Goldberg,
you're homies for life.

You know, 'cause they crazy.

Good stuff.

Sure, it was awkward
running into my ex,

but we seemed to
be in a good place.

Brea! Or so I thought.

Hey, bro. I'm Kirk,
Brea's boyfriend.

My world was upside down,
and I needed answers.

She has a boyfriend?!

And you knew?!

You and Brea aren't
together anymore.

Broken up, split,
nada, no moresies.

I knew this would happen.

I just thought it would
be in a distant future

where there are flying cars

and love is just
a pill you take.

But it's now. Today.

Barry, did you know about Kirk?

I'm meeting him
tonight. Tonight?

Everyone is moving so fast.

Relax, it's just dinner at
a fast-casual restaurant.

My brother is double-dating
with my girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend!

Dissolved, terminated,
undone, splintered,

poof, the Grand Canyon.

But Brea and I still
talk all the time.

Why hasn't she mentioned him?

Maybe because she knew
you would act all nuts,

like you're doing now.

You know what?
Don't worry, bro.

I'm Team Adam.

I'm gonna destroy
this kid tonight.

Thank you! Come again?

I'm sorry, Joanne, but it is
my fraternal duty to humiliate

and debase his ex-paramour's
current steady.

Whatever. I'm
getting two wines.

Thanks, Bar. You're
finally a good person.

While I was anxious for
Barry to bring down Kirk,

the grandparents were trying
to keep Hanukkah alive.

Oh, hey, Mom and Dad.

Didn't know you were here.

Do we need a reason
for hanging out?

We're just enjoying
some of Beverly's...

periodicals.

Fun stuff. I'm going
to change the baby.

Is it weird that I love
her little tushie so much?

No, it is not
weird.

Do you hear something?

Yeah. What is that?

What the hell? Mrs. Claus!

Okay. Which one of
you made Santa single?

Damn it, Linda!

You were supposed to rip the
music box out of her belly

so she'd stay quiet!

Why am I on dismemberment duty?

Okay, this is very, very dark.

It doesn't matter.

What matters is that this family

is not in the market
for any new traditions.

Last time I checked,
you weren't in charge

of how we raise our baby.

No, you are not.

And maybe we don't even know how
we want to raise our child yet.

No, we do not.

What are you saying?

What I'm saying is, you
may not be in the market

for new traditions, but we are.

May the best holiday win.

Oh! I hate how cute she
looks in that Santa suit!

My mom thought that
Erica's love for Christmas

would be a phase, but
instead, she doubled down...

Bah humbug!

Even reading Muriel a
Dr. Seuss Christmas classic.

"And the Grinch grabbed the
tree and he started to shove,

when he heard a small sound
like the coo of a dove."

Oh, no! That Grinch
is stealing Christmas.

What kind of monster would
deny anyone Christmas?

And it didn't stop
at the Grinch.

Erica, I just love
your Christmas spirit.

Oh, yep. I'm here for
all the right reasons.

What an odd and
worrying thing to say.

Oh, hi, Mom! Check us out!

Grandma Ginzy is embracing
us with songs and merriment.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no.

I'm not part of this!

The only baby in
my life is Jesus!

Please don't hurt me!

Erica had officially
gone too far.

So my mom decided to fight
fire with religious fire.

Hello, wayward sheep.

What's going on here?

And who's our yarmulked guest?

This is Rabbi Adler.

I thought I'd invite him over
for the first night of Hanukkah.

Fifth. Get on with it.

Tell us about all the delicious
food we can't eat, padre.

Well, I'd start with
the shrimp parmesan

your mother served me.

God forgives!

But you should know,
Erica was singing noels

with the people that
buy all the poinsettias.

Okay, I'm so confused.

What's going on here, Dad?

We all made a very
generous donation

to the temple on
Muriel's behalf.

They're finally gonna get
to reseal that parking lot.

So while we were
having a date night,

you were indoctrinating
our child?

Well, I gotta hand it to you.

It was a nice move,

but I'm afraid you're
a little too late.

What does that mean?

It meant that Erica
had already gotten help

turning Muriel's room into
a Christmas wonderland.

Virginia Gregory Kremp!

Okay, Erica asked me to do this,

and it's the season for
giving, so I had to.

I'm so scared.

We've made our choice.

Our child is a
Christmas baby now.

I should skedaddle.

Thank you for the new driveway.

Happy Hanu... Holidays.

Yep, Erica had created
Christmas cheer

in the Goldberg house.

Meanwhile, Barry was
determined to destroy Kirk.

Ooh. I'm sorry, friend. Oh!

I almost made you trip so badly,

no woman could love
or respect you.

No worries.

But that was gonna be
harder than he thought.

Fun idea... Should we
get all 27 cheesecakes?

That's not a fun idea.

That's a perfect one, Kirk.

Hello, dummies.

You can't get all
the cheesecakes.

That's like $200.

Despite Barry's best efforts
to make life hell for Kirk,

it wasn't happening...

because Kirk was kinda great.

I can't tell you
how much I admire

that you're studying
to be a doctor.

Oh. Y-You could try.

Cheers.

And specifically,

he was Barry's kind of great.

You are so much
more jacked than me.

Eh, you're squeezing
too hard, but yeah.

And finally...

Ninjas are by far the warriors
that I respect the most.

After dinner, we'll
put on black pajamas

and pretend to kill a shogun.

Yeah! Yes!

Yep, Barry's feelings
for Brea's new beau

were not what I expected.

I love Kirk.

Whatever. He's just a rebound.

He's not even Brea's type.

Adam, look at me.
He's everybody's type.

Sorry, bud, but maybe you
should give him a chance.

He's coming with Brea to
the JTP's holiday party.

You mean the thing I'm
definitely not going to now?

Then you'll be missing out on
a lot of funny Kirk stories.

One time, he jumped so high,
he almost touched a branch.

He tells it better.

You guys have fun.

I'll be home,
imagining the worst.

Adam, you don't have to
go to the party alone.

Why don't you invite
that girl from the diner?

Carmen. Of course.

She's as pretty as Kirk is.

And once Brea sees her,
we'll both be miserable!

It's
a perfect plan.

As I was excited to ruin
Brea's relationship with Kirk,

Erica was disappointed
to find Christmas erased

from the baby's nursery.

Mom!

You just couldn't help
yourself, could you?

Excuse me?

Sure, I got a
little carried away,

but this is too far!

Well, that certainly
does sound like me,

but I don't know what
you're talking about.

You ripped down all of
the baby's decorations.

You're the Grinch
who stole Christmas.

Erica, I didn't
so it. I swear.

Stop. It was me, okay?

I'm the Grinch.

Everyone happy?

With that, Geoff had
spilled his secret.

Meanwhile, it was time for
my plan to take down Kirk...

A secret gift for Brea

that would remind her
of everything we had.

Hey, everyone. I'd like
you to meet Carmen.

Welcome. Hey.

Is this one of those "Can't
Buy Me Love" situations

where you're paying her
to be your girlfriend

with the earnings from your
successful mowing business?

No, it's not.

Didn't hurt to ask.

In fact, it did.

Alright, everybody's here.
Ruffles are on our one plate.

Yankee Swap time! Whoo!

So everyone takes a number, and
put your presents on the table.

Yankee Swap?

It's just a way for Barry
and his cheap buddies

to get out of buying
everyone a gift.

Alright.

Now, if your present is
awesome, you can keep it.

But if your present is trash,
you can steal someone else's.

Lastly, if your present is
stolen, you can pick a new one.

Who's got number one?

Ooh! I do!

Let's go!

Ah! "The Shining"
by Stephen King.

Well, the movie was hilarious,

so let's see what
chuckles the book brings.

Words on paper?
Lame. Who's next?

I'm the deuce.

Oh! A Discman?

No way. Oh!

I bought that, Kirk.

I'm the one who
made you this happy.

Barry, that's too expensive.

I'm number three.

Which means, of course,
I will be taking that.

Nooooo! It's cool.

Bar, I'll just get
something else.

It's okay. Okay.

And Kirk did get
something else...

My secret present for Brea.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

That's not meant for... Whoa.

It's a necklace.

Brea, help me get this
tasteful bad boy on.

Not a lot of guys can
pull off a necklace,

but leave it to Kirk.

It looks like a locket.

Nope. Definitely not a locket.

Oh, Brea, it's you and...

Adam.

What?

Yeah, same. What?

So weird!

Who brought this
incredibly intimate gift?

It's clearly you.

Scandalous.

I have a Discman.

Holidays. Am I right?

So I'll be stealing that
back from you, Kirk,

when it's my turn.

Kirk can't catch a break.

Hey, if you think about
it, he's the one who stole

Brea from me in the first place.

Stole me?

Digging himself deeper.

I'm outraged.

It has a stabilizer for jogging.

Let me explain.

See, Kirk... sucks?

Oh, my...

Brea, wait!

Adam, I was wrong about you.

You are like all the
other guys I dated...

A jerk.

Carmen, wait!

How dare you speak
to Kirk like that?

Kirk, get our coats.

Barry, wait!

With Geoff having admitted
to out-Grinching Beverly,

Erica was full of questions.

Why the hell did
you steal Christmas?

How the hell did
you steal Christmas?

Well, it wasn't easy.

I went in her room and saw
those candy canes hung in a row.

"These candy canes," I said,
"are the first things to go."

Okay, so you're gonna do the
whole Dr. Seuss rhyming thing?

I'm just trying
to stay on theme.

Alright, well, keep
going until I figure out

how to punch you without
leaving a bruise.

I slithered and slunk. Slunk?

But with a smile most pleasant,

I went around the room
and I took every present.

Sure, but how did you
manage to get the tree

out of there without
anyone noticing?

That was a toughie 'cause I
ran into a little setback.

Geoff, why are you taking
out the Christmas tree?

But you know me.
I'm smart and I'm slick.

So I thought up a lie and
I thought it up quick.

'Cause I got an even better one.

Oh, okay. Great!

Seasons greetings. Yeah.

What a fun little distraction
from the real question.

Why did you do it?

Erica, I know
Christmas is wonderful.

Everyone knows
Christmas is wonderful.

But it's not who we are.

But it can be. Why?

Because you want to throw
it in our parents' faces,

or because it's actually
meaningful to you?

What if the throwing it in their
faces is what's meaningful?

Look, I know I haven't always
been the most observant,

but our traditions matter to me,

and I thought they
mattered to you, too.

They do.

Well, I want Muriel to
be raised like we were.

Because she's part of us.

The best part of us.

Okay, so our baby won't
be a Christmas kid.

But can we at least use
some of the presents

for her first Hanukkah?

Oh, you mean these?

Worst Grinch ever.

Geoff had
managed to save the holidays.

Meanwhile, I was trying
to save face with Brea.

Hey. So, that was strange.

I wonder who made it strange.

Look, I was blindsided
seeing you with a guy.

You never mentioned him.

I'm sorry.

But it's hard to say out
loud that we're moving on.

Obviously, for both of us.

It might just be one of us.

Carmen looked a tiny bit upset.

You'll figure it out.

I hope so.

She's great.

And, for what it's worth,
Kirk seems great, too.

I should apologize to him.

I think there's someone else
you should talk to first.

You're right.

I always am.

Now go.

Just know, I'm happy for you.

Seriously.

Happy Holidays, Adam Goldberg.

Happy Holidays, Brea Bee.

It was weird, but I
actually felt okay.

I realized I had
just been holding on to the past

by trying to hold on to Brea...

when there was something pretty
amazing right in front of me.

Yeah?

Carmen, I don't deserve it,

but can I please try
to make up for tonight?

It's fine.

Clearly, you have unfinished
stuff with your ex.

No, I don't.

Not anymore.

And I swear to you,
I am a good guy.

The thing is, good guys
don't have to say that.

They just are.

Fair enough.

Thank you for your time.

So you're just gonna give up?

I'm not worth fighting for?

Okay. Well, here it goes.

Carmen, I've had an
incredibly difficult year

with a million
different setbacks,

but seeing you every
day at the diner

is the one thing
I look forward to,

and I really don't
want to lose that.

Then don't.

Oh, whoa.

You seem receptive.

Little bit.

Guess what we're standing under?

So the good guy gets the girl?

We'll see.

And that's the thing
about the holidays.

Whether it's old traditions
that remind us who we are...

or new experiences that
fill us with hope...

being there for one
another always makes

for a season full of joy

that no Grinch could ever steal.

What the hell am I looking
at? Are you bedazzling?!

It's for the baby. Check it!

"I love you a latke."

Oh!

My perfect angel is so clever!

And on the back...

"Oy to the world!"

So many puns.

I am dying from
holiday happiness.

Yeah. I did learn
from the best.

You cherish and honor me.

But your sewing is
crap. Give it to me.

I'll redo it and make five more.