The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Ring - full transcript

(Adult Adam) Back in the '80s,
before the Internet,

there weren't as many ways
to find love.

If you were lucky, you might
get on "the dating game."

If you were really lucky,

you'd run into
Beverly goldberg.

I've got the perfect man
for you, Inez.

His name's Tony.
He's 53, non-smoker,

works for the city,
and he is literally

the most handsome man
I've ever seen.

No, I don't know how fast
I was going,

but you know what I do know?
No wedding ring.



Have I got someone for you.

Her name is Delia.
She's 34 years old,

real outdoorsy just like you,

and she is literally the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen.

(Mouth full) I am telling you,
he is literally

the most handsome man
I've ever seen.

(Chuckles)

Is lucky interested
in having puppies?

'Cause I know
a springer spaniel.

Literally the cutest dog
I've ever seen.

My mom was eharmony,

jdate, and grindr
all rolled into one.

She could match up anyone.

Well, almost anyone.



Good morning!

Wow, dad, don't you
look dapper?

Big date tonight?

Actually, I just finished
my date from last night.

Was this the aerobics
instructor?

- The antiques dealer.
- No.

This was the manager
from coco's.

I ordered the steak,
she ordered the me.

Here we go.

Kids, you know the drill.
Give us the room.

Come on. This is pure gold.
I gotta get this on tape.

- You stay, Murray.
- I stay.

Please help me talk some
sense into this man.

Mom's been gone for ten years.

He's dated at least
five different women a week.

That's over 2,000 women.

You're saying something
that's good,

but you're saying it
like it's bad.

I just think maybe it's time
you found someone special.

Maybe someone who doesn't
wear a tube top to work.

Hey, what's-her-name
was plenty special.

What was her name? Um...
Tawny? Tammy?

Taffy? Ta... is Taffy a name?

Just give me a chance, dad.

I can help you find
the perfect woman.

I have a gift.
Tell him, Murray.

She has a gift, this one.

Fact... 16 of my setups
led to marriage,

which resulted in 37 children.

I did that. I created life.

She's like God.

Trust me, dad.
I know what's best for you.

- She knows what's best.
- The hell she does.

Bevy, you just can't
help yourself.

You have to mix in.

I'm not mixing in.

I'm just trying to tell you
what to do,

even though you don't
want me to.

Just do her thing.

Murray, you're really not
helping me right now.

Will you please just give him
your honest opinion

about how you feel about this?

- You want my honest opinion?
- Mm-hmm.

Well... (Sighs)

I think he's doing great
on his own.

- Get out.
- Good-bye.

Please, dad, let me find you
just one woman.

You could even write down
what you want,

and I'll find it.
I'm that good.

No one's that good.

Try me.

Fine.

One date, but nothing serious.

I think you're really gonna love
being set up by your daughter.

See? Now you're saying
something that's bad,

but you're saying it
like it's good.

You're very confusing today.

(I fight dragons)
♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was October 12,
1980-something.

Every day after school,
i had a tradition

with my big sis Erica...
"General hospital."

It was more than a soap opera.
It was an obsession.

God, I hate Luke.

Me, too.

But I'm drawn to his danger.

Who isn't?

Erica loved watching
her stories,

and I got sucked in, too.

Mostly 'cause
the alternative was this...

(Slapping) (Barry) Why are you
hitting yourself?

Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yourself? (Panting)

Huh? What'd your face
ever do to you?

Get off me, Barry!

Say "I love it when Barry
whoops my ass."

I'm not gonna say it. Say it!

I'm not gonna say it. Say it!

I love it when Barry
whoops my ass.

Oh! Really?
Then I'm-a keep on going!

(Slapping) Aw, man.

This was what quality time
looked like

with my brother Barry...

Until the day that changed
everything.

Erica? It's starting. Hurry up!

Get out.

You get out.
"General hospital's" on.

- Lame.
- Your puppet show's any better?

He's not a puppet. He's alf.

He eats cats
and says what he thinks.

Hey, you taped it.
You can watch it later.

Hey, don't touch it!
I was here first!

- Give me this!
- Erica, get down here!

(Buttons clicking, program playing)
Come here.

Dude! Stop!

Don't move.
(Instrumental music playing)

Do you see what I see?

I see it.

Back in the day,

finding naughty adult stuff
was impossible.

But somehow, we hit
the right combo of buttons

on our cable box
and stumbled upon

a scrambled channel
we didn't pay for.

(Women giggling) Boobs.

I see scrambled boobs.

Okay. (Presses button)

Who's ready to check into
"general hospital"?

Um, I think I'm gonna watch
"alf" with Barry instead.

"Alf"? What about
Luke and Laura?

He said he's not interested!
Now leave us be.

What the hell is going on?

Is Barry forcing you
to be here?

No, I'm here by choice.

(Whispering) If you're
in trouble, blink.

Whatever.

Guess I'll just watch it
in my room.

(TV playing indistinctly)

No!

(Pounds TV) No!

No! It's gone! What happened?

Calm down. We just gotta
retrace our steps.

- Okay.
- So, yeah, you go back there. Okay,

so I grabbed it...
And then I came in...

I came in hard, though. Yeah.

And then we shook it about.

We were clicking,
you were tugging with it.

(Buttons clicking,
various programs playing)

(Muttering)
"Uh, Erica, get down here."

Bang, bang.
Oh... oh, there! We got it!

(Breathing heavily)
Good job, kid.

It was the first thing
Barry and I ever bonded over.

I could stay like this forever. Agreed?
(Women giggling)

Agreed.

For once in our lives,
we were on the same channel.

All right. Your perfect woman.

Ooh, here we go.

Tell me everything.

All right. For start...

I think she should be
at least 5'2",

with kind eyes,
and age-appropriate but spry.

Whoa, whoa.

Don't I tell you
what i want here?

Of course. (Mouths words)

You're gonna want someone
with a great sense of humor.

Not someone
who steals the show,

but she should be
sweet and cute

and have a tush like
two scoops of vanilla ice cream.

- Dad!
- Could be chocolate.

Are you gonna take this
seriously?

I'm trying to,
but you're not letting me.

Fine. Tell me what you want.

All right.

She should be... dangerous,

alluring, and smart.

Like, really smart.
Mensa smart.

But when it comes to making
sensible decisions,

she should be kinda dumb.

Smart but dumb?

So dumb.

And she should have
a slender dancer's body

and be bendy
like a Chinese acrobat.

Bendy.
You know what would be nice?

Carly Simon's lips.

Put it down. Carly Simon lips.

I'm sorry.
Are you involved in this?

You said to give him
my honest opinion.

That's what I'm doing.

How's about this?

Long hair, like a mermaid.

Boom! Write it up.

She should be exotic,

but not too exotic.

A Latin flavor,

but it should be
impossible to know

exactly where she comes from.

Impossible!

And we're done.

If this is really
the type of woman you want,

then, damn it,
I'm gonna find it.

I really wanna meet this woman.

(Lowered voice)
Can you imagine?

(Shouts) Marriage is nice, too!

For the next five days,
my mom focused

on her biggest
matchmaking challenge yet...

Finding pops the perfect woman.

72 years old?
Are you kidding me with this?

(Lid clatters)
Well, I don't care

how good her wig looks,
Ruth applebaum.

Don't you call me back until you've got a real lead.
(Lid opens, clatters)

Stop lurking.

We're having frozen pizza
for dinner.

Go pop one in the oven.
Frozen pizza?

That's the second time
this week.

Just know, six is my limit.

I'm not stopping till I find
my father the perfect woman.

Bevy,

you do realize that your dad's
just giving you busy work

to keep you
off his back, right?

I know that. Do you think
I'm really looking

for a smart but dumb
Chinese acrobat?

I hope so.

My father has given me
the opportunity

to find him his dream woman,

so I'm gonna find him
my dream woman.

Why? He's having a blast.

Is he really happy?

Very happy! Happiest
person I've ever seen.

I know what's best
for my father,

and it's more than likely one
of these 16 lovely ladies.

Turns out, my mom
cast a wide net.

(Phone dialing) How about that?

She was studying to be
a cosmonaut.

You don't see that every day.

Barry and I spent
the next three days

staring at the boob tube.

And while the quality time
was nice,

it came with a price.

(Women giggling)
I've had this migraine that won't go away.

Seriously? Me, too.

Maybe squinting at the TV
for hours at a time

just isn't so good
for our brains.

I fell down at school today.

I had a scrambled dream
last night.

(Giggling continues)

Maybe we should take a break.

Are you insane?

We gotta take this
to the next level, bro.

- How?
- I know this dude

who knows this other dude
who went up to the roof

and got every channel
by jamming a pair of tweezers

into the antenna thingy.

It sounds like a great idea!

So it's settled.
Next time we're home alone,

you'll go up to the roof,

and I'll stay down here
and see if it works.

- Why do I have to go?
- 'Cause you have tiny little fingers

that make it easy
to get into places

and poke at live
electrical wires.

You're making
a lot of sense today.

Listen. No matter what happens,

we gotta keep this quiet

- and not attract any attention.
- Agreed.

What's happening?
What's going on here?

What? Nothing.

Can't two best bros
do a wolf puzzle in peace?

You guys broke something,
you killed somebody...

Something's going on.

Off to our big double date.
(Chuckles)

Burned through $100
in international phone calls,

but I found pops
a perfect dream woman,

so wish me luck.

I mean, wish pops luck.
Not that he needs any luck.

He's always getting lucky.
Not like that.

(Giggles) I've had
some iced wine.

I'm excited! How's my hair?

Hey, dad.

Uh... do me a favor.

Watch the morons tonight.

- What do I get out of it?
- Your dad's gratitude.

- So nothing?
- 20 bucks.

Love you, daddy.

- Okay.
- (Singsongy) Okay!

Have fun, boys! (Kisses)

(Normal voice) Be safe.

- Oh, we will.
- Safety first.

(Walkie-talkie blips)

Falcon has eyes on the target.

I repeat...

(Breathing heavily)
Falcon is closing in.

Whoa, wait. I wanted to be falcon.
(Blips)

Fine.

Golden eagle is on the move.

Oh, man, that's way better.
I'm that!

Just pick a name!

Fine!

I'm golden falcon... shark.
Over.

(Blips) 10-4.

Whoa! (Gasps)

I'm okay. I'm okay.

It's kind of steep
up here. Over.

Be careful. I love you.

I mean... never mind. Over.

It's okay. It's out there now.

I love you, too.

Whatever.

Over? (Walkie-talkie blips)

All right.

I-I'm tweezing
the antenna thing.

See anything?

(Clicking)

No. Still scrambled.

Try jamming your tweezer
in there as hard as you can.

Okay.

How about now?!

(Screams and grunts) (Thuds)

Still getting nothing.

(Taps TV) Tweeze harder.

(Buttons clicking)
As our plan was going up in flames,

pops' night was about to be
smoking hot.

My mom had searched
every tennis club,

country club, and book club
in the tri-state area,

and tracked down pops'
dream woman.

Sophia. Mwah! I'm so sorry.

My dad's running late,
but this is my husband Murray.

(Foreign accent)
It's a pleasure to meet you.

You, too. So, uh,
are you from around here?

No. No small talk. We'll, uh...

We'll cover all that
when my dad gets here.

- All right.
- Okay.

Well, I guess a little
small talk is okay.

- Do you like sangria?
- I love it.

- I'm gonna order some sangria.
- Okay.

I love sangria. Oh. Okay.

Two sangrias, please? Sure.

I'd love a sangria. Okay.

Three sangrias.
(Lowered voice) I'm sorry.

- Beverly goldberg?
- Yes.

There's a phone call for you.

Oh. (Chuckles) Must be my dad.

I'll be back in a jiff.
(Giggles)

Don't forget the sangrias.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hey, honey, uh,

I'm afraid I'm not gonna be
able to make it tonight.

I'm feeling a little
under the weather.

Dad, you promised.

Down some aspirin
and get over here.

(Forced coughing) I think it's
better I stay home tonight.

(Jazz music playing)
What's that?

♪

Oh, uh, uh, I threw on
a record.

You know me.
Jazz is my medicine.

Are you at Dexter's?

No! Don't be ridiculous!

Please give a warm
Dexter's welcome

to the shorty flanders trio!
(Applause)

Dad, we had a deal!
Don't you dare stand me up!

Sweetie, it's not you, it's me.

Don't you give me
one of your lines.

I'd better get to bed.

I-I have an early meeting
in the morning.

A meeting?
You're retired 20 years.

(Line clicks) Hello?

Hello?

Are you single?

I know the most handsome
attorney.

(Erica) Are you crazy?

Why the hell were you
on the roof?

Roof? Who was on the roof?

No one fell off the roof.

I fell off nothing
onto nothing.

Enough, okay? Someone better
start talking right now.

Listen. I know dad is paying
you 20 bucks to watch us.

I have something even better
to make you look the other way.

A library card?

Walk away.

Okay, you two have been acting
like best friends...

All week,
and it's creeping me out,

so tell me what the hell
is going on.

Even if we had
something to hide,

- which we don't...
- We don't.

- We'd never rat each other out. Never.
- Never.

- Hyah!
- Hyah!

What the hell was that?

You have a coordinated
handshake now?

That's what brothers do.

It's a bond
even you can't break.

Fine. Then I'll just tell mom.

Okay, it was Adam's idea, okay?

He was the one who found
the naked channel

in the first place, then he got
greedy and wanted more,

so he went to the roof.
It was all him!

Are you kidding me?!

Don't drag me down
with you, perv!

You got problems, man!
You got serious problems!

Son of a... -I was furious my
brother sold me out so easily,

and I'd let him know with
a swift punch to the arm.

(Punch echoes)

Or not.
It was a total accident,

but, oh, that didn't matter.

Never once had we punched face.

A threshold had been crossed,

and there was
no going back now.

You punched my face?

It was an accident!
I was aiming for your arm.

Come on, golden falcon shark.

It's me. We have
the brother bond, right?

(Pants and chuckles nervously)

I'm gonna punch your face
so hard!

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes.

While I was on the run,

pops was just getting
settled for the night.

(Clinking) (Giggling)

Mmm.

Ahh. Muy bueno. (Women giggle)

Okay. Fun's over.
You have a date to keep.

Ooh. This is
some real bad timing.

See, I'm already on a date.
Uh, two, actually.

Stella and Lucy.

- Sandra.
- Lorraine.

Well, whoever you are,
please excuse us.

I gotta start bringing
some nametags.

Do you know how much
time it took me to find you

an amazing woman for tonight?

Well, I found two so-so women
in no time.

Stop working so hard.

Forget it.

If you want to waste your time
with women half your age

in a pit that smells
like a shoe, have at it.

Oh, don't be like that.

It's just a date.
There'll be others.

No, there won't be.

Sophia was perfect,
and you blew it.

All I wanted was
to find you someone

who will love you
and make you happy.

- Yeah, well, that's not what i want.
- Why not?

Because I already had that
with your mother.

Go home, bev, please.

Come on, Adam!
You can't hide forever.

Can't you please just
forget this ever happened?

No! You've broken
the unspoken agreement.

We do not punch face.

You never told me that!

It was unspoken!

But the line has been crossed,
and there's no going back!

Starting now, it's all
face punches, all the time!

Adam, come out. He's not
gonna punch you in the face.

(Lowered voice) Nice.
You lure him out,

and I'll cold-cock him
in the eyeball.

- I heard that!
- Okay, you got me. I give up.

(Lowered voice) You'll go
downstairs with him.

- I'll jump out and...
- I still hear you!

Just open the door. Trust me,

Barry doesn't have the guts
to punch you in the eyeball.

(Normal voice)
I do, too, have the guts.

I'm, like, 90% gut.

(Door opens)

Fine. The unspoken rule
has been broken.

(Sighs)

Do what you have to do.

Yes.

Here it comes. Brace your face.

Here comes the hammer.

It's punch time!

Damn it. Told you.

(Exhales) So...

Do you wanna watch
scrambled girls?

Nah.

Kinda over it.

Yeah, me, too. (Sighs)

For the record, it wasn't
just about the boobs for me.

(Exhales)

It was just cool
hanging out with you.

Had its moments.

From that moment on, there was
something different between us.

I went from Barry's annoying little brother...
(Tv playing indistinctly)

To his friend. (Both laugh)

Then I'll see you
in a few days.

(Laughter)

("Let my love open the door"
by Pete townshend playing)

Hey, sweetie.

Everyone alive?

Yeah.

Uh, nothing crazy to report.

(Sighs)

♪ When people keep repeating

(laughing)
♪ that you'll never fall in love ♪

♪ when everybody
keeps retreating ♪

♪ but you can't seem
to get enough ♪

Hey.

♪ Let my love open the door

mind if I hang out for a bit?

What happened to your date?

Eh, wasn't feeling it.

Look.

I know you worked hard
to find someone for me,

and I'm sorry I bailed.

I'm sorry, too.

You were right.
I always mix in,

and I think I know
what's best for everyone.

But I mean well.

And that's the only thing
that makes it okay, honey.

(Chuckles)

It makes sense now why you
never get serious with anyone.

They're just... not mom.

She was one of a kind.

(Exhales) Yeah, she was.

♪ To your heart
♪ let my love open the door

I just wanted you to have
someone you loved

to make new memories with.

That's what you guys are for.

♪ To your heart
♪ my love open the door

well, just promise me you won't
close yourself off forever.

Okay.

But you promise me
no more setups.

Deal.

♪ Let my love open the door...

But when it came
to matchmaking,

my mom couldn't help herself.

♪ Let my love open the door...

My God, what a coincidence.
It's Sophia. (Sighs)

You are unbelievable.

Although she does have
carly Simon lips.

- Am I good, or what?
- Not bad.

I'm probably gonna need
to cancel my morning meeting.

♪ Open the door
♪ to your heart...

While my mom found pops
a new connection,

Barry and I went back
to our old routine,

although now there was
a little more respect.

- Huh?
- My glasses!

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Why are you hitting yourself?
- Uhh!

- Why are you hitting yourself?
- Aah!

(Grunting and laughter)

Ow!

(Grunts) (Bell dings)

(Grunting) Ow! Aah!

My perfect girl?

Well, she should have
big blue eyes,

and big blonde hair.

Mmm, she sounds fun.

She shouldn't be afraid
to speak her mind, you know?

I mean, she should have
a sensitive side,

but still be a hard-ass.

Oh! Sit up straight, honey.

And I want her
to take care of me.

Cook, pick up my stuff,

make me hot pockets. Mm.

(Mouth full) By the way,
thank you for the hot pocket.

All right, and I'm on the case

for my sweet, handsome,
delicious boy.

(Chuckles and kisses) Mwah!

You know
you just described mom.

(Normal voice) What?
I did n... oh, my God!

Mom! I meant a brunette
who doesn't cook at all!

And she's gotta be super shy
and not related to me at all!