The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Why're You Hitting Yourself? - full transcript

As Beverly tries playing matchmaker for Pops, Adam and Barry bond over their discovery of a scrambled porn channel on TV.

The romantic comedies of the '80s...

I learned everything I knew
about getting the girl.

From classics like "Can't buy me love,".

Because the romantic scenes
that played out in my house.

Usually went a little something like this.


What's this?

Birthday card.

My birthday was two weeks ago.

Remember? We had Mexican food.

You had to race home in a mad panic.

Well, that photo finish is why
I forgot to give you a card.

You know what else you forgot to do?

Clean the garage.

Give me some credit. I didn't forget.

It's gonna get done.

I'll get my pants.

Happy belated birthday.

I had the kind of parents
who loved each other,

but I literally never once saw them kiss,

which is why I was what you'd
call romantically challenged.

Her name was Dana Caldwell.

She biked past my house every day,

and she was perfect.

I'm gonna give you the benefit
of the doubt here,

but I gotta say, this looks weird.

It's not weird. I'm
just filming a girl I like.

To play the tape back later
to practice talking to her.

- Boy.
- It's weird.

You know, I can help you out.

Pops, I'm 12.

I gotta start handling
this lady stuff on my own.

She's coming back.

Get down! Get down!

While I was crawling away
from the girl I loved,

my father was trying to get
the girl he loved off his back.

By cleaning the garage.

All right, anything under $10... toss.

All that crappy art from
when you were kids... toss.

No way! It's my old keyboard!

This thing is awesome!

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I thought you said someone stole it.

Yeah, well, the robber...
she was supposed to throw it away.

A-awesome, a-awesome,
a-awesome, a-awesome.

It's going in the garbage.

No. This is mine, and I love it, okay?

Holy crap! Check this out.

I found a box of
dad's old love poems to mom.

Don't touch that! Don't touch that!

Come on. It's none of your business.
Ready? "Tears stain."

- The pillows of my heart."
- Come on. Come on.

- No, no, come on!
- "Your perfume lingers on my mind."

- Return to me, my love."
- Come on, come on!

- God, you're terrible.
- Okay, stop it. Give me that box.


"Our bodies are one under the starry sky."

"There is no me, only us...

My sweet Anita"?

What? It says here you were
gonna have a wedding?

Anita? Who's Anita?

I see what's going on here.

You have a secret family.

If I had a secret family,

why would I be standing here
talking to you people?

- Give me that box!
- Here!

- Come on!
- Got it!

All right! I'll tell you the story.

Before your mother, I was
engaged to another woman.

- You're so hosed.
- Hosed, hosed.

I am not hos... turn that off!

I am not hosed.

Nobody's getting hosed.

Your mom knows about the engagement.

And she knows all about the love letters?

Of course she knows!

She knows.

Come on, kids, give me the box!

I wish I had a secret family!

I'm so hosed.

October 4th, 1980-something...

The day my dad's old love
letters went public.

Bevy, before you say anything,

just know that I thought I threw
this box out years ago.

When Anita sent it back to me,

and it... it means nothing.

My father had crossed a line.

I can't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I thought I could keep a straight
face, but I can't.

So you're not mad at me?

No, I'm worried. How are your loins?

Have they stopped burning?

Is your heart still aflutter?


- Adorable.
- Yeah.

No, no, no.

So you're not even a little bit jealous?

Please. I won.

I bagged my moose.

You see? She doesn't give a crap.

That's what a strong marriage is...


We've had a good laugh. Time to Chuck 'em.

Chuck 'em? I can't even put 'em down.

I mean, dad used to be... pretty romantic.

He's still plenty romantic with me.


And how is dad romantic?

For the last two years,
he forgot your anniversary.

In his defense, I didn't remind him enough.

But he writes romantic stuff
to me all the time.

Look. Here's my birthday card.

"X. O.X.O. Murray."

Well, the x's are for kisses,

and the o's for hugs.

And "Murray"...

Is who it's from.

Doesn't matter what he writes.

We are more in love than ever.

Don't you at least
wanna see what she looks like?

I've gone 20 years.

Without needing to know
what she looks like.

I'm not gonna start now.

Plus where would you even get a picture,

you know, if someone
wanted to see a picture?

Where would you find it?
I don't know. Well...

They'd probably have an
engagement announcement.

In the paper.

I mean, if you really wanted to look,

you could probably just go
to the library and dig it up.

I don't need to see it.


But if you would feel better seeing it,

fine, we'll go to the library. Jeez.

While my mom was feeling insecure,

I was feeling damn good. I had a plan.

Dana Caldwell would see me
coolly tinkering with my bike.

And ask me to go for a ride,
and then we would get married!



It was now or never. Time for my "A" game.

Bicycles, right?



Do you know how to fix them?


My bike chain's all messed up.

Maybe you could take a look?

Yeah, I can... I
can take a quick look-see.

Chain. Chain.

Wait. Is this one of those Soviet bikes?

'Cause I only deal with American equipment.


Maybe I'll just have my dad fix it.

Makes sense. Keep it in the family.

- Aah!
- Are you okay?

Are you crying?


Good talking.

My plan was a complete bust.

I only had one option left...
Call in the big guns.

So what happened to "I'm
12. I gotta go it alone"?

That didn't work out so great.

Well, you're safe now. Love's my business,

and business is booming.

So what do we got?

Okay. Her name's Dana.
She's 13, lives down the block.

She smells like fruity pebbles.

Pfft. Why are you asking Pops for help.

When you got all the resources
you need right here?

You don't know anything about girls.

I know a ton. I've got
a super hot girlfriend.

Yeah, from Canada that no one's ever seen.

'Cause I met her at camp,
ya sausage gobbler.

You couldn't come up with something.

A little more original?

I mean, a fake girlfriend... in Canada?

Hey! There's nothing fake
about her except her boobs!

Yep, they're huge and real...
But they're also fake.

You know what? I don't have
to explain it to you.

I'm outta here.

Her breasts sound very complicated.

So where are we at with this Dana girl?

Well, I've been secretly
following her around.

For two weeks.

Creating a sense of mystery.

And today I broke her bicycle.

Good. You made a memorable
first impression.

And I kinda cried in front of her.

Some women like a sensitive man.

You think?

You can't help him, pops.
He's un-help-able.

He'll never get a girlfriend
even half as hot as mine.

Yeah? What's her name?
Tell me right now. Go.

Marion Lemieux.

Marion Lemieux?

Like Mario Lemieux, the hockey player?

Yeah! It's a common last name in Canada,

like "Smith" or "Jones."

I was trying to be
nice to you, but forget it.

I'm outta here.


Your next move with Dana is important.

You gotta go for it.

Make a big gesture...

Something that'll show her
exactly how you feel.

Pfft. Waste of time.

Here we go.

This nerd has no clue with the ladies.

Yeah? Let's call Marion right now.

Think I won't? 'Cause I will.

That's what I'm asking you to do.

I don't need this! I'm outta here.

Meanwhile, my mom and Erica were using.

The most cutting edge technology.

To track down a photo of Anita.


It was called microfiche.


My God.

It's amazing. It only
took us two hours to find it.

Hey, not bad, dad.

Okay, Erica, you saw her.

Now you can move on with your life.

Wait a minute.

How do you...


- Make it bigger?
- Well, okay, just...

- Make the picture bigger.
- Okay, here.

- Where's the knob to make it a bigger picture?
- It's just...

- Mom, God! That's as big as it goes.
- Okay, okay.

What is it?


As always, my mom took the bad news.

With grace and dignity.

My ring. Shh!


What a day! What a day!

Sold six couches!

Your man is on fire.

By sheer chance, my dad was
in a rare good mood that night.

Unfortunately, my mom was not.

What's happening?


Take a load off.

Well, I usually take a
load off right there.

But I'll put my load right here.

What do you...

Is there anything you wanna
tell me about this ring?

It's a symbol of our love?

Yes, that's very true.

But, tell me about that.

What made you pick this exact ring for me?

When I saw it, it spoke to me.

Aw. What did it say?

"I'm a pretty ring.

Buy me."

"Buy me" for who?


How could you give me her ring?

What do you think I'm made of, diamonds?

I... You can't just return these!

Okay, well, I have no problem
returning this one.

Wait. Bevy!

Let's talk about this. Listen.

If it'll make you feel any better,

I will get you a new ring.

Great. Get me a new ring.

What?! You can't say that.

Why would I get you a new ring?!

It was your idea!

Yeah, but I'm filled with terrible ideas!

I gave you a used ring, for God sake.

Wow, Murray, you are so romantic!

Fine! I'll get you a new ring!


- Fine!
- Fine!


While my parents were calmly
working out their problems,

I'd finally come up with a solution.

To my problems with Dana.

Let's do this, Lloyd.

I'd use my favorite romantic
movie, "Say Anything..."

To win Dana's heart.

Crap! I thought this was
your sister's room.

Well, it's not. Can you
tell Dana I'm... here?

No. This is kind of a creepy
thing to do, bro.

What the hell's going on out here?

Nothing, sir. Go back to bed.

Some weird kid's here for Dana.

Adam? What are you doing?

Adam? This is the kid who broke your bike?

- Yeah.
- Not cool, man.

Pleasure meeting you!

Calm down, kiddo.

- We can fix this.
- We can't!

I serenaded her brother,
I dropped my boombox,

and I soaked my Lloyd dobler coat.

I understood none of that.
Did you take my advice?

Yes, a big gesture.

I stood outside her window
and blasted music at her.

Why would you do that?

You told me to!

I meant take her out for a milkshake.

How is a milkshake a big gesture?!

For you, it's big.

You should have been more specific!

Wait. Don't go, kiddo. We can just regroup.

Forget it.

The movies lie. None of it's real!

Love isn't real.

Tell that to my girlfriend.

- She's not real!
- She's not real!

All right, let's get this over with.

One ring, please.

Of course. Do you have anything
in particular in mind?

Don't look at me. Just pick
something that speaks to you.


All right, this one's talking up a storm.

How much is it?

That one is $5,000.

Is that the one I pointed to?

You pointed at that one, yeah.

It just stopped speaking to me.

- Stopped completely.
- Really?

Yeah. Is that because I'm
not worth the money?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that, Bev.

Don't... don't do that. Really?

How much am I worth to you?

I cannot put a price on love.

I can. How much is this ring worth?

Very nice.

Yes, excellent cut. Beautiful clarity.

You must really love this lady.

- It used to belong to his
ex-fianc?e, Anita. - Add that story.

- And he re-gifted it to
me. - All right, do that.

Yeah, and he used to write her.

- Lots of love letters and poems.
- Yeah, tell him... yeah.

How many do you think he's written to me?

Um... I'm gonna guess it's a... low number.

- Zero.
- That's very low.

Yeah. Okay. That's because

Anita needed love letters
and all that crap all day long.

It's why we broke up.

That's all I was doing,
was writing letters.

I didn't get to watch any TV.

Listen to this guy.

He thinks I don't need love letters.

That's why I chose you.

You don't need any of that romantic junk.

That's right. Just give Ol' Bev.

A hallmark card and a used ring.

All right, you know what?

We're gonna get you the $5,000 ring,

and you can be the one who tells Adam.

That his teeth are gonna be crooked.

For the rest of his life.

Great. That's exactly
what I want... a spite ring.

Great, because that's what you're getting.

Okay, my friend, we are buying the ring.

I'd like you to ring it up,

because we are buying it!

All right.


I don't know what to do here.

You heard the man. Ring it up.

All right, but just so you know,

we have a strict no return policy.

Ring... it... up.

In most houses, a
dinner this quiet was normal,

but in our house, no yelling.

Meant something very bad was going down.

What's happening?

Dad bought mom a spite ring,

and now she's wearing
the spite ring to spite him.

Lot of love problems around here.

Not Barry.

I keep my lady satisfied.


I was at camp with you.

There's no girl named Marion Lemieux.

She was in the large-chested
foxy girl bunk,

and you were in the annoying sister bunk,

so you probably never crossed paths.

Really? 'Cause I thought you were.

In the large-chested girl bunk.


Adam! Dinner's almost over!

Come on! Get out of the stupid tree!

I'm not hungry! Go away.

What's going on?

I just wanna be alone, okay?

Like how I'll be for the rest of my life.

What are you talking about?
You're 10 years old.

I'm 12. And...

I really screwed things up with a girl.

Yeah? Tell me about it.

Well, her name's Dana...

No, I didn't mean "Tell me about it"

"Tell me about it." I meant, I screwed up.

With a girl, too. My gosh.

So is the girl mom?

Yes, it's mom!

Your mother seems to think
that I don't show her.

That I care about her enough.

I show her all the time,

just not in big ways, but in little ways...

You know, ways that she doesn't notice,

not like a box of love letters.

There's no record of the stuff that I do.

You know, maybe there is.

- There isn't.
- What if there were?

- There's not.
- Dad, I'm saying I have an idea.

My dad may not have been able to say.

How he felt about my mom,

but luckily, I recorded a bunch
of ways that showed it.

Turns out the most
romantic movie of the '80s.

Was the one that I made with my dad.

I hate my new ring. I'm gonna
take it back tomorrow.

But the man said no returns.

I'll guilt him into it.

It's what I do.

It was the first time
we ever saw them kiss,

and it was gross.

But I started to believe in love again.

I mean, it was complicated
as hell, but it was real.

Maybe those romantic movies
weren't so far off after all.

Yeah, you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You... left this on our lawn.

Yeah, I...

I did. I'm sorry.

The other night was... Weird.

You know, my dad told me
not to talk to you anymore.

I-I get it.

Too bad I never listen to my dad.

Wanna go for a ride?

Just like I told him... Go big or go home.

Yeah. Think you can help me
out with some girl stuff?

What happened to Miss Canada?

Long distance. It's... It's killing us.

We never talk, and when we do, we fight.

She's not real.

There goes the fluff age,
different directions.

Is that like a bald spot?

Yeah, yeah, we do have a bald spot there.






What's going on?




What? Wh...


Well, where are you?!

Murray, m-Murray!



What do you want from me, woman?!


I know. I love this thing.


I see you!

What'd you break?!