The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 3 - Reality Bites - full transcript

- Yo, Nicky, you ready?
- 'Almost.'

Hurry up, man, we got to get on.

Where's Nicky?

Today is Children's Day
at the Nixon Library.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, man.

Nicky's going with me.

I'm taking him to the
sorority
beach volleyball tournament.

Mm. Two hundred honeys
bumping and spiking.

You know what I mean?

Heh. You know what I mean?

Yeah,
you don't know what I mean.



Will, you're just Nicky's
cousin, I'm his brother.

I'm a big branch
of his family tree.

Mm. Then why are your limbs
so short?

Fine. But let's see what
my father thinks about this.

Alright, alright, you big baby.

Fine, Nicky can go with you.

Y'all just have fun.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure, man.

Oh, don't forget your flag,
though.

I mean, what's a day
at the Nixon Library

without Old Glory, huh?

- Oh, good call.
- Alright.

[Will laughing]

(Carlton)
'Hey!'



'Hey!'

Everybody going to the beach
say, "Kowabunga!"

- Kowabunga!
- Ha-ha-ha.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Whoa, nice flowers.
Another stalker?

[scoffs]
I wish.

I had a problem
at the studio today.

What happened?

Well, I was late for my
talk-show taping

so I parked in the first space
I could find.

I found out later
it was Leeza Gibbons' spot

and she had my car towed.

[sighs]
I was so upset

I sent these flowers
to cheer myself up.

Man,
now who does a thing like that?

I know, can you believe her?

I don't care
how high her ratings are

nobody treats Hilary Banks
like this. I'll get her.

And her little car too.

You're not taking them diet
pills again, are you?

Will, you have to help me think
of a way to get even with her.

Forgive me for asking

but why are you involving
Master William in this?

Well, Will's come a long way
from Philly, but let's face it

he's still a common street hood

from the wrong side
of the tracks.

So will you help me?

Oh, gee, you know,
when you put it that way, no.

Will, I'm begging you.

Look, come on, girl, that's
vandalism you're talking about.

No.

Oh, I do remember
this one time, though

me and my homies was trying to
get even with this gym teacher

that was gettin' on our nerves

my man Chill took a key

scratched all up the side
of the paint.

I took a potato, right,
rammed it up in the tailpipe.

Dude came out, started that
joint, it was like "Kaboom!"

Boom!

What a wonderful lesson
for Master Nicky.

Perhaps now you could teach him
to run with scissors.

Come on, G, Nicky knows that
vandalism ain't cool, right?

- Right.
- Alright, come on, let's go.

[grunts]
Get down to this beach.

Get with these honeys,
you know what I mean?

Geoffrey, if I were a potato,
where would I be?

- Where're you two going?
- Oh, to the beach.

Yeah, me and Will are going
trolling for slimmies.

He be tripping.

[chuckles]

No, he, he-he mean,
we gonna play in the sand.

Look, Ashley,
it's daddy's mad face.

Come on, Nicky,
let's go upstairs

before daddy's head explodes.

Will, at this age,
Nicky is like a sponge.

If he hears something he likes,
he's gonna imitate it.

Oh, kind of like Michael Bolton.

Look, maybe you've been spending
too much time with Nicky.

In fact, doesn't Carlton have
some plans for this afternoon?

Oh, yeah, and where is he?

I know he better have
a daggone good excuse

for standing Nicky up.

Will locked me in the closet.

[scoffs]
That's so tired.

(Will)
'Alright, alright, Uncle Phil.'

I just wanted to take the kid to

his first bikini volleyball
tournament.

I do not want my little boy
exposed to that much sex.

Uh, oh, don't worry, mom,
it only happened once.

Y-you meant Nicky, didn't
you?

I read that Dougie
is gonna be appearing

down at the mall today.

Oh. Dougie?

That big, dumb, orange whale

that be singing them
stupid songs?

Hey, those songs are
life-affirming little ditties

that bring joy to the young
and the young at heart.

♪ I love everything
big and small ♪

♪ Cute and ugly
I love them all ♪♪

Would you like to go see Dougie
at the mall today?

Dougie? Cool!

Okay, whoa. Whoa.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Come on, time out.

Now, can-can we think about this
for a second, please?

Now, Dougie loves
everything.

People, am I the only one
that finds something

terribly wrong with that?

♪ I love bugs
and I love death ♪

♪ I love oozing flesh wounds ♪

Mommy! Mommy!

Will! Will!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

I didn't know
he was gonna act like that.

Alright, look, at least
can I take him to the mall?

- Are we gonna go see Dougie?
- Yeah, that's right.

Me and you. Oh.

If we hurry out of there, we can
make it to the victory swim.

[instrumental music]

Hey, unhand me.

Sir, the floor seating is for
children only.

Now sit in the chair
like a grown-up.

- Where's Dougie?
- Well, he is a whale.

Maybe we should
go look for him at the beach.

- Okay.
- Yes!

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

It's Dougie!

I love you, everybody.

(all)
We love you, Dougie!

Let's all do the welcome song.

Everyone sing and dance along.

[music continues]

♪ It's nice to be here
with you my friends ♪

♪ My lovely friendly
friendly friends ♪

♪ I love you all so much
my friends ♪

♪ I like my big friends ♪

[microphone squealing]

Hey,
someone check the damn level.

[grunts]

[instrumental music]

♪ It's nice to be here
with you my friends ♪

♪ My little friends
my happy friends ♪

♪ It's nice to be here with you
my friends ♪

♪ My cutie little friend.. ♪♪

[microphone squealing]

That's it.

You SOBs better
pull your thumbs out

and get your freaking acts
together.

What's wrong with Dougie?

I think something must have
crawled up his blowhole.

(all)
Dougie! Dougie!

Dougie! Dougie! Dougie!

Let's get out of here.

The last time a Dougie
concert
was canceled

the kids went crazy
and trashed a babyGap.

Shut up, Carlton.

I'mma go back there, I'mma have
a mammal-to-mammal with Dougie.

Go get Nicky
and calm this crowd down.

Come on, Nicky.

Sit right here.

Maestro.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me.
Mr. Dougie? How you doing?

Um, I was wondering when you
were coming back out there

'cause, you know, we've been
waiting for you all day.

Aren't you a little old
for this crap?

Uh-huh.
Yeah, but my cousin isn't.

You know,
he-he came here to see a show.

Yeah?
What'd he pay for the ticket?

Nothin'. It was free.

Then the little brat got his
money's worth. Now beat it.

[chuckles]

Um, look here

you big orange Moby Dick.

Listen, hotshot,
I know this isn't as glamorous

as your job down at the
mini-mart..

..but I make
an honest day's work.

And who the hell are you
to look down on me, huh, punk?

[chuckles]

You pushed me, called me
punk.
That's funny.

Listen, um, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just
put your hat on..

[sighs]

...go head back out there

do what you gotta do
for the kids

'cause, you know, they're really
looking forward to it. Alright?

Tough guy, huh?
I'm so scared.

I think you better keep your
fins off me, alright?

Why, what are you gonna do, huh?

What are you gonna do,
wise guy, huh?

I think you better
keep your fins off me.

Oh, yeah?

[Will groans]

Oh, it's on now.

[Will yells]

Okay, time for another song.

(all)
Aww.

[Will yells]

[children yelling]

[Dougie groans]

[Will yells]

[Will grunts]

What're you doing to Dougie?

Oh. W-we was just.
we was playing, y'all.

Hey, sorry.

(Dougie)
I need a drink.

You hurt Dougie.

I hate you, Will.

Nicky.

[sobbing]
You see?

- Get him!
- No.

[children yelling]

[instrumental music]

Mom, presenting the all new
and improved Nicholas Banks.

Look at you.

Nicky and I are gonna be
spending a lot more time

together,
especially since he's..

...M-A-D at W-I-L-L.

How do you like your new
clothes, baby?

Mommy, I...H-A-T-E them.

From now on,
it's you and me, Nicky.

The fabulous Banks boys.

Great.

Hey, what's up, everybody?

Nicky.

He's still mad at you,
and so am I.

Oh, please leave me alone,
Carlton.

I already had to go through this
for 40 hours with Uncle Phil.

I made a mistake.

That's why I bought this
train set.

Well, it's a start.

Thanks.

Will, when I was a little girl,
I got so mad at your mother

I stopped speaking to her
for weeks.

[scoffs]
Really?

It's hard to imagine you
being
quiet for that long, Aunt
Viv.

[laughing]

Go on.

She gave away
one of my favorite toys.

It was a Raggedy Ann doll.

But I got over it.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,
my mom told me about that.

Didn't you chop the head off her
teddy bear

and flush it down the toilet?

That's how I got over it.

Look at this.

"Powerful earthquake
rattles Northern Coast."

Oh, boo-hoo.

This.

"Television personality
Leeza Gibbons

"was shocked to learn
that the woman attempting

"to vandalize her car
was none other than

rival talk-show host
Hilary Banks."

[grunts]

"Banks,
seen here wielding a potato.."

Wielding? I was not
wielding,
I was rubbing.

I rubbed that damn potato
all over Leeza's car

and it didn't make a
scratch.

[Hilary panting]

At least they didn't catch me
putting my keys

in her exhaust pipe.

Hilary, you were suppo..

Never mind.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Hey, Nicky.

What's all this?

His Dougie toys,
he's giving them all away.

I'm not worthy, thanks to you.

Nicky, Nicky, come here,
come here. Listen.

You don't understand, man.

Listen,
I-I wasn't rumbling with Dougie.

I was rumbling with the guy
inside Dougie.

Oh, right,
the guy inside Dougie.

[sighs]

Th-that damn whale got him
brainwashed.

Will, Nicky believes in Dougie
the same way

he believes in Santa Claus.

- So?
- Well, Dougie's his hero.

Didn't you have any heroes
when you were a little kid?

Yeah, Shaft.

And how did you feel
when you found out

that Shaft wasn't real?

What're you talking about?

No, I'm saying, he-he was
based on an actual guy.

No, he wasn't.

He was too, Ashley.

Shaft is fictional, Will.

I'm saying, he went to
Africa
and everything.

Will, you can't tell Nicky
that Dougie isn't real.

Why don't you take him down
to the mall

and let him see you apologize
to Dougie?

I thought of that,
just he ain't there no more.

- Well, where is he?
- In rehab.

Well, Will,
you have to do something.

[Ashley sighs]

It's like he lost his
best friend.

Yep, I know the feeling.

[music continues]

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey!

Geoffrey!

Yes, Ms. Hilary?

I have been calling you for
15 minutes. Didn't you hear me?

Yes, but I so rarely
have a woman scream my
name..

I was rather enjoying it.

I need to tape Leeza Gibbons'
show.

I'm gonna record every nasty
thing she says about me

and then I'm gonna sue her
for definition of character.

[sighs]

Now, how do you turn this on?

Why don't you just use the VCR?

Geoffrey,
if I knew how to use the VCR

would I need this camera?

No, I would not.

Oh, it's already started. It's
already started. Turn it on.

(Gibbons)
'So that's all coming up today.'

But we'll get to that
in a moment.

First, I wanna talk about
this so-called feud

going on between Hilary Banks
and me.

Now, Hilary, you and I

we're part of a very special
sorority.

A sort of sisterhood
of talk-show hosts.

I love your show
and I wish you lots of success.

So, what do you say?
Let's bury the hatchet.

Ooh, that witch!

So you see it too.

All I see is a beautiful
woman

perched atop two of the most
finely sculpted legs

I've ever seen.

Oh, like those are real.

[music continues]

Whoa.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, the
pogmeister's in the house.

- Who wants some?
- Well, looks like I'm out.

You know, here's Will.
Maybe he can give you

some competition, huh, Nicky?

I'm not in the mood.

Gets that from his mother.

You know what that kid's
problem is, Uncle Phil?

His values is all messed up,
man.

Any other normal kid, you could
just buy their love back.

This has really upset you,
hasn't it?

[sighs]

You was right, man,
I'm a terrible role model.

Oh!

I ain't never having no kids.

Well, now, Will, as much as the
idea of your reproducing

scares the hell out of me

I think
you'll make a great father.

I mean, everybody makes mistakes
with their kids.

The important thing is to admit

when you're wrong
and to apologize.

How come you don't ever do that?

Don't question me.

Hey, Nicky.

Mind if I join you?

Wow. I didn't know
you could read the paper.

I can't.

Nicky, listen..

Now, there's something I need to
tell you about Dougie.

And not just him neither,
it's-it's the Easter Bunny

and the Tooth Fairy.
All of 'em.

What about them?

Well, you're getting to be
a big boy now.

Sooner or later you're gonna
find out that none of them..

[knocking]

- None of them are what?
- Uh..

Here,
r-read the personals, Nicky.

Yo, hottie.

Yo.

What's up, baby?

Freeze, munchkins!

[Santa laughs]

They're not munchkins, son,
they're elves.

Oh, yeah?

Who are you, Keebler?

[Santa laughs]

Oh, boy,
you're not even close.

Alright, look here, dude.
Check it out. Um..

I'm about to give a little
ring-a-ding-ding

to Bel-Air Security, right?

So if you and any of your little
friends took anything

you better put it back.

Now you hold on there,
young man.

Nobody talks to Santa Claus
like that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Santa Claus. Right on, yeah.

Everybody knows
Santa Claus is a Clippers fan.

I am not.

I just can't move these things.

Now, you listen to me, sonny.

I don't usually make
off-season visits

but you were about to do
something terrible

to your cousin Nicky.

You don't have any idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

- No.
- No, of course you don't.

Maybe this year I'll put a brain
in your stocking.

Why do these make-believe
guys
keep pushing me?

Come on over here.
Sit down, right here.

Unh-unh.

[chuckles]

Now, what are you talking about
with Nicky?

Will..

...being a child today
is tougher

than any time
that I can remember.

But Nicky..

Nicky is blessed with a very
precious gift.

Innocence.

And you were about to
take that away from him.

No, I-I didn't wanna do
that.

I'm.. I just don't want him
to be mad at me forever.

Aw, Will, nothing is forever
with children.

They grow up and they forget.

Hey, remember something..

You used to believe in me once.

Maybe you ought to
try believing in me again.

[chuckles]

Oh, here, here.

You be a good boy.

And tell Carlton to
stop faxing me.

I cannot get him into Princeton.

[bells jingling]

(Nicky)
'Will! Will!'

Nicky!

Nicky.

Hey.

Santa was here.

Did you see him?

Uh, yeah, we was kicking it
in the pool house.

- You know Santa?
- Know him?

Who do you think gave him the
idea for that mistletoe thing?

- You?
- Oh, yeah.

See, we was chilling at the crib
back in Philly one night, right.

It was me, Santa, the
Tooth Fairy and Shaft, right?

Who's Shaft?

Who's Shaft?

Oh, Nicky, there's so much
I got to teach you.

See,
Shaft was a complicated man.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪