The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 10 - Will's Up a Dirt Road - full transcript

[instrumental music]

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm tryin' to see how close
I can get to your head

without hittin' it.

[chuckles]

Uh...you know, you're
not doin' a very good job.

And the next time
you throw one of those at me

I'm gonna make you eat it.

Ooh.

Oh, see, now see, now see,
now you're in trouble.

- I'm in trouble?
- Uh-huh, now you're in trouble.



Oh, okay.

Mm.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Whoo, if that's what happens

for throwin'
a couple grapes at you..

Will, you know
what I like about you?

What? That I'm so romantic?

No, that you're so goofy.

G-goofy, well, oh,
you-you mean like

in asuave,debonair,
Denzel-ian kinda way, right?

No, not really.

What? What-what do you mean?
I'm, what-what, immature?

No, no, no, I mean, that
you're, you're spontaneous

and you're fun and,
you know, goofy.



Why don't we just study?
How about that?

Yeah, let's just
get back to studyin'.

Fine.

Your mom goofy.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[music continues]

Attention, everyone. Attention.

I have an announcement.

My horoscope said that
I will prosper in my house.

So, I figured
I better go buy one.

Hallelujah!

Excuse me.

Hilary, that's wonderful.

Nothing fancy, no more than
six or seven bedrooms.

And I don't even care if it
has a wine cellar. For now.

Wait a minute, how are you going
to afford a house like that?

I have discovered
a unique method of savings.

I never spend my own money.

By the way, daddy, don't use
your platinum card this month.

Let me get this straight,
all this time

you've been hoarding
your talk show salary

while feasting away
on the family fortune?

What do you say to that,
big guy?

All I heard is that
she's moving.

- Hey, good morning, G.
- Good morning, Master William.

Hey, w-what's up, y'all? Listen.

Um, if-if you had to sum me up
in, you know, like, one word

how would y'all describe me?

- Freeloader.
- Undependable.

- He's not a freeloader.
- Lazy.

Of course he's lazy.
He works for me.

- He's a freeloading, lazy bum.
- Oh, come on.

Believe me, he's lazy.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- What?

I said one word.

Come on, y'all, like-like-like
suave, debonair, strong.

What's this for, Will?

Well, you know,
the other night, Lisa said

I-I was kinda, you know, goofy.

- Yes, that's it.
- Exactly.

We're going to go
with goofy, Will.

[instrumental music]

How you doing, goofy?

[laughing]

- Shut up, Carlton.
- Well, look, I don't know.

M-maybe Lisa tried
to give you a hint.

First, she calls you goofy,
the next thing you know

she's not even calling you.

[scoffs]
Yeah, right. You think?

Will, if there's
one thing I know

it's about women not
calling.

- Hey. What's up, baby?
- Hey.

Hey, listen,
I'm off in 15 minutes.

Oh, Will, I'm so excited.

To hell with it.
I'm off now then.

You're so ridiculous,
I'm excited

because my friend
Marvin got published

in the op-ed section.

Oh, pfft, I mean,
if I put my mind to it

I could write in any one
of them old magazines.

Baby, you don't need to prove to
me that you're an intellectual.

I like you just the way
that you are.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Oh, just forget it.

Ooh. I cannot wait to read this.

The last article he wrote,
ooh, it gave me goosebumps.

I'm gonna climb
into a hot bubble bath

and get started
on this right now.

See you later.

A bubble bath?

"Marvin, take me away."

[scoffs]
I'm saying, man, how hard could
it be to write a dumb article?

I could write a whole book.

What kind of book?

A good one.

One thatrealpeople
would wanna read, you know

with pictures and stuff.

Oh, a coloring book.

No, I'm being serious, Carlton.

I mean, how hard could it be
to write good?

- Well.
- Well, what?

Never mind.

[instrumental music]

[shutter clicking]

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Carlton, thanks
for comin' along, man.

No problem, the sooner
you make some money

the sooner you're out
of the pool house

and ultimately out of my
life.

Hey, man, listen, what do you
think of this title for my book?

I'm gonna call it
"Celebrities' Houses At Night."

I may have misjudged you, Will.

You really are pulling out
all the stops for this girl.

I mean, look at you, your hair's
neat, your nails are trimmed.

You started flossing again.

Hey-hey, man, look, I even trim
my nose hair. Check it out.

- Nice job.
- Thanks.

I don't know,
it's just wild, man.

You know, it's like...Lisa's
the first thought in my mind

when I wake up in the morning.

The last thought
before I go to sleep.

Man, you know, I can talk to her
about anything.

You know, it's like her face
has just been engraved

inside my head.

'It's like, just say
I'm havin' a bad day.'

No matter what it is,
just terrible, it's like

that first second
that I see her beautiful face

and she puts
her arms around me..

...I touch her lips, it's like,
just everything is better.

Everything.

You know what I'm saying,
Carlton?

I sure do.

- Give me a hug, big guy.
- Carlton!

[tires screeching]

[horn honking]

Carlton, what is wrong
with you, man?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just got caught up
in the moment.

Why don't you get caught up
in keeping your damn eyes

on the road?

Alright, okay.

L-look, just take a picture
of Bob Barker's house.

Oh, man.

Look like Bob up in there
gettin' his freak on.

Bobby, come on down.

[instrumental music]

Alright, alright,
check it out, listen.

I even got a title.

It's called
"Celebrities' Houses At Night."

- I'm not sure.
- Okay.

You know what, you're right.
You're right.

Oh-oh, look at this picture.
How about this one?

Look at Richard Simmons
in his backyard

cooking them big old
stank sausages.

Oh, man, that one is gold.

Look, kid, I gotta tell you,
this picture doesn't really

do it for me, okay. I mean,
look at it, it's too dark.

Oh, see, see you're not open.
You're not open, man.

I'm tellin' you, it's
"Celebrities' Houses At Night."

Okay, look, look, kid,
you got a-you got

a nice idea here
with the house thing.

It's just not somethin'
I can get behind, alright?

Okay, okay, alright, see

'cause you're not lettin' your
cerebellum rotate, man.

Listen, look at this.

It's not just pictures.

I wrote little stories
with them too.

Bam! Ah, you didn't notice
that one, right.

See, it's different now, see

'cause I'm not just
a photographer, man.

I'm a photographer and a writer.

I'm ambidextrous.

Nice try, huh?
Maybe next time.

Well, fine. Maybe I am goofy.

'Hey, don't forget
your pictures here.'

Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.

Is, is this one Jay Leno?

- Mm, yeah, that's him.
- What is he doing here?

Um, I don't know, he was pouring
some coffee in the sewer

or somethin', I don't know,
what does my story say?

Now, I could definitely use this
in one of my publications.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, America loves Jay Leno.

So-so, what, it'd be
he'd more like an article?

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, but I mean, I still get
credit and everythin', alright?

Oh, that and $500,
here, here, here.

I want you to read this, uh,
this release form.

Sign it when you're ready.

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Oh, hey, looks good to me, man.

[instrumental music]

Will?

Will?

(Will)
Good evening,
you fine Nubian princess.

I set up a little surprise
for you tonight

so just follow instructions
and enjoy.

Number one, clap twice.

[clapping]

[music on stereo]

(Will)
Number two.

I've got a succulent
lobster dinner prepared.

So go to the microwave,
press start.

[beep]

(Will)
Number three.

Take your sexy little self

on over to the couch
and have a seat.

Number four.

Get naked.

What?

(Will)
No, my fault, my fault.

I was just kiddin',
I was just kiddin'.

Alright, number five.

Turn around.

Ooh, you sure do know
how to make a girl feel special.

Will, what is all of this about?

We are celebrating, baby.

I've been published.

Published?
When did you start writing?

Last week.

Hey, look, uh, I wanna give you
some goosebumps too.

Mm, okay, so where's
the article?

- Let me see it.
- Eh, eh, eh.

In due time, in due time.
It's all a surprise, baby.

Okay.

[Will clears throat]

Lisa.

Sweetheart, there's only one
word to describe you.

Scum.

(Will)
Carlton, uh..

Man, you know the routine,
when there's a sock in the door

you sleep on the lawn.

Have you read this week's
"National Inquisitor?"

Man, I don't read that trash.

Then how come you're writing it?

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait a minute.

They used one of my photos
from my book and put it in here.

"Jay Leno, Earth Enemy
Number One by Will Smith?"

You sold pictures
to a sleazy magazine like this?

No, no, no, baby. I did not.

I sold them to a book publisher.

Look, Jay Leno wasn't
holdin' no oil can.

He was holdin' a coffee pot.

That guy tricked me.

Oh, well, at least I got
paid.

Master William,
you have a visitor.

- Will Smith?
- Uh, yes, sir.

You're served.

Wha..

What-what's-what's wrong, baby?

Jay Leno is suing me
for $10 million.

[instrumental music]

How do you go from trying
to make a little impression

on Lisa to being sued
by Jay Leno for $10 million?

Um...I'm goofy?

But, wait, wait, come on,
Uncle Phil

I am the victim here.

That publisher took my pictures

and used them for evil
instead of good.

I mean, he-he like Hugh Hefner.

And I'm an innocent young
girl
from the Midwest.

And you expect me
to clean up this mess, huh?

Well, yeah, man,
you know the routine.

I do somethin' stupid, you clean
it all up, make it better.

And the-the only difference is
this time, I didn't do nothin'.

I think you've taken
troublemaking

to a whole new plateau.

Look, wait, wait a minute,
come on, come on, Uncle Phil.

You gotta know
somebody down there.

I mean, a cameraman,
a makeup girl.

Maybe you sentenced one of the
guys in the band or somethin'.

Will, there is a bigger
issue
involved here.

I cannot keep pulling
your butt out of the fire.

You're right, you're right,
you're right, Uncle Phil.

Look...and this is the last
two or few times, I promise.

You know, Will,
there comes a time..

Oh, not the "There comes a time"
speech.

I'd pay $10 million
to not have to hear that again.

And I'd pay $10 million so I
didn't have tosayit again.

Alright, alright,
fine, Uncle Phil

if you don't wanna help me,
just say that.

I got myself into this mess,
I'll get myself out.

I don't need nobody.

Dude, look, why don't I watch
you handle this one

I'll get the next one,
alright?

[instrumental music]

I can't believe
that that realtor

wasted my time on that dump.

Hilary, that house was gorgeous.
What's the problem?

Problem? Well, for starters,
the layout.

Say I'm having
a small garden party

for 50 of my closest friends.

And someone spills cocktail
sauce on their Armani suit.

My maid Hildegard
would have to go

through the gazebo into the
living room past the library

and up the steps
to get to the laundry room.

- Hilary, that's ridiculous.
- You're right.

Who cares how far
Hildegard has to walk?

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Can you drive a getaway car?

Master William, come quickly.

They're talking about you
on the telly.

Save our sewers.
Save our sewers.

This is Andrea White of KFPB.

It has been reported
to the "National Inquisitor"

that "Tonight Show" host
Jay Leno is a toxic polluter.

Will Smith is the young man
who photographed

Leno dumping oil
into the sewer systems.

His story also alleges that
Mr. Leno may be single-handedly

responsible for destroying the
rain forest, the ozone layer

and the one tree
that grows in Brooklyn.

(Ashley)
Oh, that poor little tree.

Forget that tree, Ashley.
Come on, I'm getting railroaded.

Well, I finally
contacted Leno's lawyer.

Yeah, what's up, Uncle Phil?
What'd he say?

Well, I'm sorry, son,
but it doesn't look good.

I'm afraid you're liable.

[laughing]

What is so funny?

You're liable for libel.
Get it? Those are homonyms.

Carlton, your next crack
is gonna be in your head.

Try it and I'll sue.

Well..

...I know what I gotta do.

He's not gonna do
anything stupid, is he?

You don't know him
very well, do you?

(John)
'It's "The Tonight Show."'

Of course I'm doing the
Bill Clinton McDonald's bit.

It's my best joke.

You're my agent, I'm the one
who should be nervous.

I'll-I'll call you
after the show, okay?

Yeah. Bye.

Hey, bro. How you doing?

H-h-have you seen Jay Leno?

No, and I probably won't
until I'm on stage.

I'm John Ridley,
I'm the comedian.

Oh, so-so you're John Ridley.

Yeah. Oh, well,
these are for you.

Uh, they're from, uh, Mr. Leno.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, uh, John, uh, how
long
have you been a standup?

About ten years. Why?

[sighs]

I just hate this part of my job.

What-what-what part?

Dude, you've been bumped.

- Bumped?
- Listen, listen.

One of Roseanne's
other personalities showed
up.

We're gonna have to let
her keep talking.

You gotta be kidding.

My entire family in Milwaukee
is gonna be watching.

- I got a killer opening bit.
- Listen, listen.

I'm sorry, bro, that's show biz.

- Come on, let's go.
- No, wait-wait a minute.

I got this great joke

about how I'm so pro-black

I won't even pick the cotton
out of a bottle of aspirin.

I think I did you a favor,
bro, come on.

But my-my family is gonna..

- Security.
- Wait.

[instrumental music]

Welcome back, uh, my next guest
is a young comedian

making his very first appearance
on "The Tonight Show."

Please give a warm welcome

to a very funny young man,
Mr. John Ridley.

[crowd cheering]

Hey, how you doing? Hey.

Well, you know,
the-the other day

I just had this bottle
of aspirin, you know.

But I, I couldn't take it
because I'm black.

What-what-what I mean is,
you know

the-the bottle had cotton
in it, you know.

Get it? Cotton. I'm black.

Well, well, a-actually, you know

what-what-what I-what I
mean is, um..

(Jay)
'Hey, wait a minute,
wait-wait-wait.'

This-this isn't John Ridley.
What's goin' on?

Security...have this guy
removed, please.

Wait. Wait a minute.
Hey, Jay, Jay, listen.

Listen, you gotta-you gotta
listen to me.

I'm-I'm the guy that
you're suing, Will Smith.

You are the guy that's been

puttin' all the stuff
in the paper?

This has been, hey, you probably
know about this there's been

a lot written about me,
that lot of it untrue.

And this seems to be
the gentleman respon..

Come over here, come over here,
sit down, come here, let..

Why don't we settle it right now

why don't you sit down here.

You got two minutes
to explain yourself.

- Hey.
- Alright.

Tell us what's going on.

Uh, Jay, listen,
I-I was just trying

to impress my girlfriend, Lisa

'cause I, I like her
a lot, you know.

So I just wanted to prove to her
that I wasn't, you know, goofy.

You, goofy? Gee, I can't imagine
how she got that idea.

- What are you talkin' about?
- Yeah, me neither, man.

You know, but, so what-what
happened was, you know

I was puttin' together
this book.

It was called
"Celebrities' Houses At Night."

It's a good concept, right?

Yeah, great, great,
yeah, terrific idea.

You know, what-what
happened was, you know

I just wanted to show Lisa
that I was special, you know?

'Cause, you know, I just-I just
really don't wanna lose her

'cause I-I really like her.

And, well, you know, the
pictures I gave 'em to the guy

and then he was supposed
to be puttin' out my book.

And, you know, he winded up
puttin' it

in the "National Inquisitor."

Now, Jay, I never meant for
anything bad to happen with you.

I didn't mean for them pictures
to-to be for that.

Well, listen, America

I just want you to know it
was-it was not oil

it was coffee, Jay was
pouring-pouring coffee out.

- It wasn't oil.
- Right.

Well-well-well, thank you,
thank you, Smith

for clearing that up,
I-I appreciate that.

Well, you know,
my-my friends call me Will.

Thanks a lot, Smith.
I really appreciate that.

- 'Thank you.'
- Yeah.

A-a-actually,
that's-that's-that's

kind of romantic,
I-I-I think, though.

I-I think..
I-I-I mean what you..

You are goofy,
and you are an idiot.

But that's beside the point,
but I-I think it's still

kind of a romantic thing and
maybe we should drop the
suit.

What do you think,
audience, drop the suit?

[crowd cheering]

- Alright, Will.
- Okay.

- You're off the hook.
- Thanks.

- Thanks a lot, Jay.
- Alright, alright.

Hey, who's our next guest?

[screams]

[instrumental music]

[applause on TV]

That's it, folks,
join us tomorrow night

were our guests will be
Kevin Costner, Wilt Chamberlain

and we'll see if we can find
the real John Ridley.

See you later, bye-bye.
Thanks for watching.

[music on TV]

(Ashley)
Wow, Will, were you nervous?

No, no, not really, listen

I'm just glad that
whole mess is over.

Will, I'm sorry I started
the whole thing

but you looked pretty good
on "The Tonight Show."

You were really wacky.

I'm-I'm sayin', w-what
do you mean by "Wacky?"

- No, he's not wacky. No.
- She did not mean that.

- She did not mean that.
- No.

No, I mean, you're an
irresponsible lazy bum

but you're not..

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪