The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 26 - The Lottery - full transcript

The Convent San Tanco
was built 400 years ago

and has a certain
old-world charm.

Old-world character,
and brand new termites.

Any building 400 years
old needs a lot of upkeep,

and that's why the Annual Rebuilding
Drive takes place four times a year.

In our fund-raising drive, Sister
Ana covers the town of San Tanco,

soliciting contributions.

Sister Sixto takes care
of fund-raising by mail,

writing letters to the
different townspeople,

with terrifying
speed and efficiency.

And the other member
of our fund-raising team



has the job of covering
the outlying districts.

Ooh.

Hello. I don't usually
pick up hitchhikers.

If you're collecting
for anything,

uh, please stay
out of my territory.

Here's come that
old devil, turbulence.

Fasten your seatbelts,
we'll make a landing.

If you're waiting for
applause, forget it!

But Pedro has not laid
an egg for two years.

Why should he do it
so sudden like this?

Maybe his name isn't Pedro.

Well, perhaps you bring me
luck, and he will do it again, eh?

Sister... Uh, Sister...

Sister Bertrille of the
Convent San Tanco.



Oh, welcome. I am Benito Gomez.

Excuse me, Sister, but
where you come from?

I was here in the
barnyard a minute ago.

Oh, well, I... I
just dropped in.

Can I offer you something?

A cool drink? A cup of coffee?

No. Actually I'm
collecting contributions

for the Annual Rebuilding Fund.

I would very much like
to contribute something.

Swell. But unfortunately,

money is something I don't have.

Join the club.

Thank you very much
anyway, Senor Gomez.

But I hate to turn you
away empty-handed.

Perhaps you would
accept some sugar cane?

You can make rum with it.

We're a nonalcoholic convent.

I'm sorry, Sister.

Well, your heart's full even
though your wallet's empty.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Wait. I can give you something.

I present to the sisters
a chance on the lottery.

The first prize is $25,000.

Oh, I couldn't
accept this, really.

Sister, I know what good
work you do at the convent.

I want to help. You
must accept this.

It will make me very happy.

Well, as long as
you put it that way.

Thank you very much,
Senor Gomez. Thank you.

Goodbye, Sister.

What a showoff.

5, 10, 15, 20, 25.

A whole quarter.

And we asked people
to give till it hurts.

Oh, look, someone
sent a contribution.

A St. Christopher's medal.

Talk about sending
coals to Newcastle.

Put it with the other
medals, Sister Sixto.

If those were only money,

we'd have the only high-rise
convent in the country.

Sister Bertrille,
what is our total now?

I'm just adding it up.

As of now, we have
a net loss of $45.50.

Are you sure?

According to my calculations,

we're losing six cents for
every three cents donated.

We're not doing
very well, are we?

Well, at least the post
office is a big winner.

Still, it is very touching

that... that people who
are so poor still want to give.

Oh!

That reminds me.

I got a very interesting contribution
today from a farmer named Gomez.

Well, what did he give?

A lottery ticket from the,
uh, drawing in San Tanco.

Well, I hope that you told him
we don't believe in gambling.

Well, I only accepted it because
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

We're going to win. I know it.

Oh, Sister Sixto,
you can't be serious.

Yes, this is the way it happens.

If we bought the ticket for ourselves,
we would never have a chance.

$25,000 first prize.

We could get rid of a lot of
termites with all that money.

Even if we just bought them off.

Let's not get our
hopes up, Sisters.

Things like this
just do not happen.

Oh, it will, Reverend Mother. There's
a rainbow at the end of our pot of gold.

I think that's the other
way around, Sister Sixto.

Either way, it looks good to me.

Does it really?

I know, that's an
awful lot of money.

You know, sometimes
a lot of money like that

changes people's
lives the wrong way.

But we needn't
worry, Sister Bertrille.

It's one chance in thousands.

We won! We won it! We won.

Sisters! Reverend
Mother, we won!

We won the lottery!

We won! Look! Look!

Oh, look at this!

Oh, we're rich! $25,000!

What'll I buy?

I agree, the prize money
can provide some luxuries,

but, uh, tell me, uh,
Sister Jacqueline,

what is wrong with
our station wagon?

Well, it's so old.

We get laughs with
it wherever we go.

Well, it's practically biblical.

Oh, I think that's a
slight exaggeration.

After all, they didn't have
automobiles in biblical times.

Well, not everybody realizes
that, Reverend Mother.

Besides, it's
making funny noises.

Nevertheless, I think we
can make do for a little longer.

Some people just don't
know how to handle wealth.

Mmm.

Very tasty, Sister Sixto.

I don't know how I do it, Reverend
Mother, on this broken down thing.

We need a new stove.

In fact, we need a
whole new kitchen.

I think that's a bit
drastic, Sister Sixto.

We can afford it since
we won the lottery.

We're rich as a crocus.

Uh, not a crocus,
that is Croesus.

Rich as Croesus, a man.

If he's got enough money to buy a
new stove, then good luck to him.

I think you can
manage, Sister Sixto.

She can talk, she
don't have to cook.

And it's only
$7,842, uh, plus tax.

Much too expensive.

And I think it would
be unseemly for, uh,

for us to drive a convertible.

Reverend Mother,
with all due respect,

aren't you being a bit of
a fuddy-duddy about this?

On approval, Reverend Mother.

How much?

$380. Plus tax.

$380?

With this I will be able to
do your reports twice as fast.

And, uh, why this
sudden need for speed?

Well, I want to have time
to ride in the convertible, too.

On approval, Sister Sixto?

Yes, Reverend Mother. From
that new store in San Tanco.

And it's only $475.

Plus tax.

$475? For this?

I wasn't talking to
you, Sister Jacqueline.

And I'd appreciate it if you
keep your nose out of my affairs.

I beg your pardon.

If the nose fits, wear it.

Quiet! Quiet!

Now, someone has got to
be sensible about this thing.

Sisters, I asked for quiet.

Now, I think all of you
are being very frivolous,

demanding and selfish.

It is obvious that we cannot
buy all the things you want.

If we spend our
money for a... a new car,

a new kitchen, a new radio
and a new electric typewriter,

just tell me one thing.

What? What?

How will I ever be able to
pay for my new mink coat?

A mink coat?

Hmm? I beg your pardon?

Reverend Mother,
with your permission,

I'd like to return this lottery
ticket to Senor Gomez.

Very well.

But i-it might be worth $25,000.

Believe me, no matter what
it's worth, it's not worth it.

Shaken by her
vision of the future,

Sister Bertrille
returned the lottery ticket

over the protests of
Senor Gomez and his wife.

It would have ended there,

except they happened to
see Sister Bertrille do her thing,

from which they could
draw only one conclusion...

We have just
witnessed a miracle!

That's why she wanted
us to have the ticket back.

She has blessed it. Consuelo,
she has blessed our ticket.

It will win!

We're going to win, we're
going to win, we're going to win!

Oh!

Benito, we don't tell
anybody about this.

I agree. We don't tell a soul.

No.

You mean you
actually saw her fly?

Like a bird.

Then it has been
blessed. It's a sure thing.

I told you! I told you!

$25,000 first prize.
You will be rich.

Fernando, your sister
and I have talked it over

and we have agreed to let you
buy a share of the lottery ticket.

Oh, that's very
decent. Thank you.

But you must promise
not to tell anybody.

No one must know.

I promise. I promise.

Not even Maria.

Maria, my wife?

She is the last person in the
world I would tell anything to.

It-It's a policy with me.

I, Maria, would tell anybody?

You gave me your word
and I expect you to keep it.

Oh, Fernando. Stop
worrying. Please.

After all, it was
very decent of them

to sell us a ticket
that has been blessed.

I should say it was.

Good night.

Good night, Maria.

Sleep tight. You, too.

Mama? Remember
Fernando's sister, Consuelo?

Yes, the poor one.

Well, today we bought a
share from the lottery ticket.

Just a moment, please.

So, Anita, I was on duty
last night and I got this call.

Do you know a family
named Gomez, huh?

Wait. Wait your turn.

Stay in line. Now no shoving.

Get back, please.
That's right, in line.

And have your money ready.

There. Here's your change,
and... and here's your receipt.

Now, you own one
share of our lottery ticket.

And please, don't
tell this to nobody.

Next, next.

Reverend Mother, please
believe me when I say

that I have the greatest
admiration for the work you do here.

Thank you, Chief Galindo.
That is very nice to hear.

But as Chief of Police,

I'm also been sworn to protect
those who have put me in office.

Of course.

Against anyone, for example,

who may want to perpetrate
fraud and deception.

That is very
commendable, I am sure.

But what does this have
to do with the Convent?

I have evidence that shares
are being sold in a lottery ticket

said to have been blessed
by a saint who lives here.

Chief Galindo, I can assure
you that no saints live here.

Uh, termites,
yes, but no saints.

Reverend Mother, the...
the information I have is...

Excuse me, Chief Galindo.

I cannot help you with
information about a saint,

but we may know something
about a lottery ticket.

Sister Bertrille?

Well, I returned the lottery
ticket to Senor Gomez

and I guess he and his wife
misinterpreted something I did or said.

Exactly what did you do, Sister?

Nothing. I just finished my
business and flew out of there.

Flew?

She means she was in a hurry
and as I was saying, Chief Galindo,

I can assure you
that no one here

is qualified to bless anything,

let alone a lottery ticket.

In that case, Benito Gomez and
his wife are perpetrating a fraud...

Oh, no. Not Senor Gomez.

Or there has been
some sort of mistake.

In any case, based on
the evidence that I have,

I must swear out a
complaint against them.

What if they return the money?

Well, if they did that, and they
stopped selling shares immediately,

I could assume a mistake was
made and take no further action.

Chief Galindo, can you delay
your decision for a few days?

I'm willing to wait a
reasonable amount of time, yes.

Thank you, Chief.

You are being very considerate.

I want you to know,
Reverend Mother,

that my wife was planning to make a
contribution to your Rebuilding Fund.

Oh, that is very thoughtful.

What do you mean "she was"?

She was going to
donate it from the share

she bought in
the lottery ticket.

Good day, ladies.

Good day, Chief Galindo.

Well.

Reverend Mother, I... I didn't
know anyone saw me take off.

It is a little late for
excuses, Sister Bertrille.

The damage is already done.

And once an idea gets started,

people are likely to ask you
to bless all kinds of things.

You began with a lottery ticket

and you might wind up,
uh, saying a few words

over a... a racehorse.

I'll go over and talk to Senor
Gomez and his wife right away.

Good.

How am I going to go about
convincing them I'm not a saint?

Just be yourself.

I didn't bless that
ticket. I couldn't.

I'm not even a nun.
I'm just a novice.

But St. Bernadette
was not even a novice.

And some of the saints have
been very humble people.

Well, that's exactly
what I mean.

I'm not humble enough.

Consuelo.

Sister Bertrille say she
did not bless the ticket.

But she is a saint.

Let's not start that again.

And we saw her fly.

I can explain that.

And you made the hen
lay not one egg, but two.

That's not as easy to explain.

You mean, the... the
flying was not a miracle?

Of course not.

Senor Gomez,
Consuelo, listen to me.

You may be in real
trouble at any moment.

The Chief of Police said
he may indict you for fraud

if you don't return the
money and stop selling shares.

But we have done nothing wrong.

I know. That's what the
people in jail keep saying.

Listen, you must
make them understand.

They will not believe me.

Well, how come they
swallowed the idea that I can fly?

If people wish to
believe, they will believe.

Okay, well, I'll
explain to them.

Excuse me, friends.

Um, there's something
I must tell you.

I'm Sister Bertrille from
the Convent San Tanco.

And there's been
a serious mistake.

I'm not a saint.

And as to the ridiculous
rumor that I can fly...

Well, let me show you.

Excuse me. Let's
just try to fly a little bit.

See? Nothing happened.

Except that I
got a little tired.

Now, I did not, repeat, did
not bless that lottery ticket.

So, it's not such a sure thing
as some of you may believe.

The lottery is still
anybody's ballgame.

Now, Benito Gomez and his
wife wish to return your money.

So, please, just stay in your
lines and have your receipts ready,

and thank you so much
for your kind attention.

Sister Bertrille, I am Fernando.

This is my brother-in-law.

Sister, we understand
what you are telling us.

You do? Oh, great.

And there is not a
man nor a woman here

who does not believe
that you can fly,

and that every penny
we make on the lottery

will be the result
of your blessing.

After all I just told you?

Sister, we also know
why you told us this.

Why? To test our faith.

Isn't there something
you can do?

It is no use, Sister.

Sister, as long as you are here,

some of my friends have
expressed the desire to see you fly.

They have?

In other words, although
you all claim to be believers,

you're actually just
a bunch of doubters.

Why, you... you don't
really believe I can fly.

No, we believe you.

And I've got news for you,
I don't believe you believe.

Yes, we do.

Listen, I know a bunch of
disbelievers when I see them.

That is not true.

Oh, well. That's all right.

I don't expect them
to admit it in public.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I want you all to come to the
Convent San Tanco tomorrow morning.

I'm going to prove
to you that I can fly.

All right.

I don't like this.

I... I just don't
like it one bit.

Oh, Reverend Mother, I
don't care about myself,

but I'd hate to see you taken
to jail for accessory to fraud.

Well, I'll be happy to bring
you both cookies on visiting day.

Thank you, Sister Jacqueline,
but I've tasted your cookies.

Now I hardly think this
is time for joking, Sisters.

They're here.

Okay, well, here goes.

Good luck. Good
luck, Sister Bertrille.

Over here, everyone.
Step right this way.

Hi. I'm so glad
everyone could come.

Are you all ready for
the demonstration?

Any questions?

What does she
take us for, fools?

I hate to say this about my
own sister and brother-in-law,

but I think they are in
partners with this so-called nun.

Hold on, Sisters.

Senor Aguinaldo, $20.

Thank you very much, and do
come and see us again sometime.

If you're wondering what
to do with your refund,

our next Annual Rebuilding Fund
Drive will start any minute now.

Let me through. Let me
through there. Let me through.

Sister, Sister, I have just
come from San Tanco.

The lottery has been
drawn. Your ticket won.

First prize. $25,000!

Your ticket. Their ticket.

Everybody's ticket but ours.

Our ticket won! We won! We won!

We won!

Why have you done
this to us, Sister?

Now wait a minute, everyone.

This is just a
coincidence, really.

It couldn't happen again
in another hundred years.

The mathematical
odds are against it.

My sister and my brother-in-law,
they have cheated me,

as they have cheated all of you.

It's not our fault, she's right.

Yes, and now... and now there's
no reason for anyone to get upset.

It's only $25,000 and
money isn't everything.

Is it?

Well, I'm so glad we
could get together like this.

I do hope we can
do it again sometime.

Senor Gomez, I have not
had a chance to thank you

for your generous contribution
to the Rebuilding Fund.

Me, neither.

It's my pleasure, Reverend
Mother, Sister Bertrille.

Can I make a small request?

Yes, of course.

When you are making the repairs,

could you employ
some people that I know?

By all means. Who are they?

I have a list.

Boy, you've sure
got a lot of friends.

This is a list of all the people

who bought shares
in the lottery ticket

and who think that
I swindled them.

They are no longer friends.

Then why do you
want to give them a job?

Even a rich man can't afford
to have this many enemies.