The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Kleptomonkeyac - full transcript

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: Carlos Ramirez was one of
the best friends the Convent San Tanco had.

So when he asked us to care for a
little boy named Pepe for a few days,

we readily agreed.

Sister Bertrille, I
thought that you said

that Senor Ramirez wanted us to
care for a little boy named Pepe?

I believe he said a cute
little fellow named Pepe.

That's a cute little fellow?

Well, isn't he?

Senor Ramirez,
why did you not tell us

that you were talking
about a monkey?



Oh, didn't I mention it?

No.

But on the other hand, he
didn't say it wasn't a monkey.

The fact remains that this is
an orphanage and not a zoo.

But Pepe is an orphan,
Reverend Mother.

Can't you stretch
things a little,

and take care of Pepe
until Dolores comes back?

The children would
go ape for him.

Oh, please, Reverend Mother.

We could take care of him for
practically nothing. Peanuts, in fact.

I really do not
know what to say.

Well, I would take care
of him, Reverend Mother.

I know all about monkeys.

I saw King Kong six times.



REV. MOTHER: Very
well, Sister Bertrille.

But he will be
your responsibility.

Thank you, Reverend Mother.

CARLOS: He's not gonna
give you any troubles at all.

Ooh...

(HONKING)

(WHIMPERING)

(CHATTERING)

Come down here at
once. Do you hear me?

That's no way to
handle a monkey, Sister.

Well, if you're such an expert,
let's see you get him down.

Okay.

Look at that. How
you like that, jellybean?

Oh...

(CHATTERING)

That's amazing.

How did you get him
to come to you like that?

Oh, it was easy. I
just used my charm,

my knowledge of
animal psychology

and a couple of jellybeans.

JACQUELINE: It was a little too late
in the semester to enroll Pepe in school.

So he had to wait
until recess to enjoy

the companionship of
children his own age.

He was fair at jump rope.

In skating, he wasn't
Olympic caliber.

But in football, he
was all-American.

It was a pleasure
to have him around.

And his visit would
have been a pleasure

if it weren't for
Captain Fomento.

In the company of his
trusted Sergeant Salazar,

the Captain came
to pay us a call.

Or, as Sister Bertrille
might say, he fell in.

Oh, Captain Fomento.
Are you all right?

Yes. But I would prefer to roller
skate during my leisure hours.

Excuse me.

I do not wish to alarm you,
Sisters, but in the last few days,

there have been a series of
burglaries in this neighborhood.

Burglaries?

Sergeant Salazar, will you read
to the ladies the list of stolen items?

"Three pairs of socks, four pair
of under-shorts, six t-shirts..."

That's my laundry list.

I will read the list.

"Gold and crystal perfume
bottle from Senorita Diaz.

"A man's gold cigarette
case from Senor Arruza.

"White gold ladies' zircon
ring from Senora Belmonte.

"A gold keychain
from Senor Perez."

Dear me. You seem to have a
genuine crime wave on your hands.

Yes. That's why I've
come here to find out

if anything has
been stolen from you.

Oh, no, no, nothing.

We have nothing of value here.

What about this sterling
silver candlestick?

It's only
silver-plated, Captain.

But the average thief does
not know the difference.

Well, no, I suppose not,

but I'm sure no one would
steal anything from a convent.

Might I remind you of the
famous story of a man who stole

just such a candlestick
from a church?

War and Peace, I believe.

That was Les Miserables.

Exactly.

BERTRILLE: Pepe.

You naughty boy.

Oh, look, he's offering me a...

Thank you very much.

That's not funny. No.

Come on. You can come with me
and help me set the table for lunch.

Come on.

Will you gentlemen join us?

We will be eating
in a few moments.

Why, thank you, Reverend Mother.

I'd love to.

I'm sorry, Reverend
Mother, but we cannot accept.

Why not?

(BUZZING) What was that?

It's my alarm wristwatch.
Would you mind...

Oh. Yes.

It is reminding us that
we have an appointment

to catch a thief.

Oh, well,

might I wash my hands
before I go, please?

Yes, of course, Captain.

Just go down the hall
and turn to the right.

To the right.
Salazar, come along.

I still don't understand why
we have to pass up a free lunch.

Because we have no time.

While we dilly and dally
here, the thief may strike again.

But we have to eat, don't we?

Salazar, when you have been
in police work as long as I have,

you will learn that
the only way to solve

a case is through
diligence and application.

We must find him, Salazar.

How?

How else is a thief caught?

By studying his modus operandi.

Now listen carefully.

In quick succession,
he strikes at the houses

of Arruza, Belmonte,
Diaz and Perez.

Now, what does this tell us?

It tells us he likes to
steal from Puerto Ricans.

What else, hombre, what else?

He is stupid because he
steals worthless objects.

Now, I intend to
have this stupid thief

in my custody before nightfall.

We have exactly...

My watch!

It's gone.

Well, maybe you left
it in the washroom.

Let us hope so,
Salazar. Let us hope so!

Sister Bertrille?

(WATCH ALARM BUZZING)

I know you took off your
watch to wash your hands

and you put it down there...

I don't understand.

That is why you are a
sergeant and I am a captain.

Let me get to the point.

Now, there has been a rash of
robberies in the area of the convent,

yet nothing has been stolen from
the convent itself, except my watch.

What are you saying, Captain?

I am saying nothing.

Except this. That I believe that
your instincts may have been correct.

Why should we
pass up a free lunch?

Would you like another
piece, Captain Fomento?

Yes, please. I find that
when I'm working on a case,

my deductive powers
are always in need of

a constant refueling.

Yes, I guess your
brain does get pooped.

Indeed. My mind
is always ticking.

Tell me, Captain, do you
have any suspects in the case?

Naturally.

Well, could you give us some
guess who the suspects are?

When you have been in
police work as long as I have,

you will learn that
most of the times,

the people who you least
suspect are the most suspicious.

In most cases, when you
are tracking down a thief,

it is not so important as to
look into the suspect's face,

but rather to
examine their habits.

I think... I think we've taken up
enough of Senor Fomento's time.

(CHUCKLING)

Perhaps.

But I must say that never before

has my time been
stolen so delightfully.

Oh, and speaking about time, do
any of you ladies know what time it is?

Why, Captain, whatever happened

to that lovely alarm
watch that you have?

I must have misplaced it
someplace in the convent.

Well, can we help
you look for it?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I would much rather that
you Sisters remain here

and allow me to
make my own search.

Salazar, let's go.

One moment, Captain Fomento.

With all due respect,
I'm familiar with the law

and I don't believe you can search
the convent without a warrant.

Sister Jacqueline!

Say no more! A search
warrant is necessary.

Although I have found that when
people ask for a search warrant,

generally they have
something to hide.

Come, Salazar!

(CHATTERS)

Why would she steal
Captain Fomento's watch?

She has a watch.

Two watches. And all
the clocks she can use.

Not to mention the bell
which strikes out the hour.

Exactly. And why this?

Why, she's never smoked a
single cigarette in her whole life.

Exactly. The whole
idea is preposterous.

Why, Pepe, I'm surprised at you.

Taking things from the
Reverend Mother's desk.

Well, don't you know
if you take one thing

it may lead to
another and another?

(CHATTERING)

Oh.

Empty already?

Well, I'll get you
some more jellybeans

if you promise me you
won't take anything else.

Deal?

Deal.

Don't forget to take your nap.

Reverend Mother,
I'm going into town

to do some shopping,
and I was wondering

if I could borrow a quarter
from the children's candy fund

to buy Pepe some
more jellybeans.

I'm afraid he's run out.

You mean he's
finished that jar already?

Yeah. I'm afraid
he's a jellybean freak.

(STUTTERS)

Yes. I see. Well, of course,

you may borrow a
quarter, Sister Bertrille.

Why, thank you
very much, Reverend.

I'll just put it right...

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh! I... Oh!

I forgot. Your letter opener.

You see, when I
came into the room...

Yes, Sister Bertrille.

Just run along.

Yeah.

Thank you, Reverend Mother.

She borrowed it, of course.

Of course.

Of course.

We often borrow
things from one another.

Oh, it happens all the time.

All the time.

And there is a difference
between borrowing and stealing.

Oh, all the difference
in the world.

Oh, Reverend Mother, what
do you think we should do?

Follow her.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

I'd like a quarter's
worth of jellybeans.

Yes, of course.

Assorted colors, and
go heavy on the blacks.

Anything else?

No.

The children at our convent
need so many things,

I could buy up half the store,
but I only have one quarter.

I see.

You know, Sister, I
have been meaning

to make a contribution
to your order.

So, why not just take
everything you need, eh?

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Hello, Sister.

Sister Jacqueline.

I was just picking out a book.

(CHUCKLING) Oh.

How To Win At Poker.

Oh, yes, I want to send it
to my nephew in high school.

He's looking for summer work.

Why don't we go along
to the convent, my dear?

Well, Sisters, did you
get everything you need?

Well, yes, thank you so much.

And here are your jellybeans.

That's a quarter's worth?

Who's counting, Sister?

Oh...

There's something funny
going on around here.

Well, never mind about that,
dear. Now, just come along.

Now wait a minute,
Sister Jacqueline.

Someone's been stealing
stuff out of my basket.

Well, maybe it's someone
who needs special attention.

Who? Who?

Thank you. Senor,
this is all we'll need.

You accused the
Sisters of stealing

from parking meters
and you were wrong.

You accused them of being
art forgers and you were wrong.

You also accused them of
running a crooked charity bazaar

and you were wrong.

What makes you think
you're right this time?

The law of averages
is on my side.

She's not a criminal,
Reverend Mother.

She's... She's ill.

Yes, that's...
That's true. She is.

And what I must do

is call Dr. Martinez,

and after she has had
some psychiatric care,

then I'll notify
Captain Fomento.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Reverend Mother, Sister
Jacqueline, you wanted to see me?

Yes. Please sit
down, Sister Bertrille.

We have something we
think you ought to see.

You found the loot that
Captain Fomento was looking for.

Sister Jacqueline found it.

Well, you must know
who the thief is then.

Well, yes, dear.

But we're not
dealing with a thief.

We're dealing with
a kleptomaniac.

How awful.

Well, where did you find it?

In the convent.

A kleptomaniac in the convent.

Do you know who it is?

We have a pretty good idea.

Well, I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

Why, I mean, I guess it
could happen to anyone.

Anyone.

Yes.

Well, may I make a suggestion?

Yes, Sister Bertrille.

Why don't you return
what's been stolen?

Why, yes, of course, that... that...
that is an excellent suggestion.

Don't you think so,
Sister Jacqueline?

It's wonderful.

And I'm so glad
it came from you.

Well, it's only right.

Why don't I take
care of it for you?

Uh, no, no. We... We will
take care of it. Thank you.

Well, why don't you just
stay here and keep busy?

Uh, polish the silver.

No! The silver's
already polished.

Why don't you go and help
Sister Sixto with the dinner?

Why, yes. Yes, of course.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Isn't that interesting?

The last of the stolen
items has been returned.

Now, what do you
say to that, Salazar?

Now we can drop the case.

Does it not matter to
you that in each case,

just before the stolen
item was returned,

the victim was visited by a Sister
of the Convent of San Tanco?

Captain, are you saying
that the Sisters are thieves?

Of course not.

That is for the judge
and jury to decide.

I can't believe it.

I won't believe it unless I see
one of them with the goods.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Excuse me, Captain.

FOMENTO: How do you do?

I just stopped by to
drop off your watch.

We found it on the premises.

Oh, so I see.

Do you see, Salazar?

Aren't you going to take it?

Of course.

Well, I have to be
going. Adios, Senores.

Adios.

(EXCLAIMS)

I have my watch,
her fingerprints.

(LAUGHING)

I have the case.

(CRUNCHING)

Hello? Oh, hi, Carlos.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

He's naughty, but nice.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Oh, that was your Uncle Carlos.

Dolores is coming home today
and he's coming over to pick you up.

Pepe, bring that back here!

Uh, Captain Fomento,

before you jump to any
conclusions about the thief,

I... I think that there are certain
things that you ought to know

and perhaps y-you might
feel differently about things

if I could just explain...

Well, Reverend Mother, please.

Do not play upon my sympathies.

Because once I have cornered the
guilty person, it is very hard to trip me.

Sister Bertrille is gone and
she's taken the candlestick.

Sister Jacqueline...

So, we meet again,
Sister Jacqueline!

Captain Fomento.

Salazar! Yes, my Captain?

Sister Bertrille is somewhere
out there with a hot candlestick.

You throw a dragnet.

I will...

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

BERTRILLE: Pepe.

Pepe, you come down
from there this instant

or you've eaten
your last jellybean.

All right, if that's
the way you want it.

(PEPE CHATTERING)

BERTRILLE: Now listen
to me. You listen to me.

You want me to lose my temper?

I want you to give me
back my candlestick.

The game is over,
Sister Bertrille!

Captain Fomento.

I would suggest you come down
immediately and come along quietly.

(EXCLAIMS)

Reverend Mother. Sisters.

Oh, Chief Galindo, I
am so glad to see you.

Thank you.

And what are they doing here?

That is why I have invited
you to my office, Chief Galindo.

I have wrapped up the case.

What?

Who did you arrest?

I want to make it
clear though, eh?

That the evidence
was incontrovertible.

Items were stolen,
items were returned.

But I have fingerprints,
eyewitnesses...

Who did you arrest?

I was forced to arrest...

You see, Dolores, I
told you he was all right.

Pepe. Oh, you
naughty, naughty boy.

Kiss. Mmm...

What is the meaning of this?

Oh, Carlos told me all
about what happened.

About the perfume bottle
and the candlesticks.

Senorita, are you
sure... Do you mean...

That's right,
Captain. He steals.

Well, well, well, a
klepto-monkey-ac.

You mean you
weren't... You didn't...

FOMENTO: As I was
saying, Chief Galindo,

in the face of the
clear-cut evidence,

I was forced to

arrest this monkey.

Captain, I've finished the
arrest report on Sister Bertrille,

and once we get
her fingerprints...

No, Salazar.

I'll take that.

Your badge, Fomento.

It's gone!

Pepe, now you give the Captain's
badge back right this minute.

GALINDO: Let
him keep it, Sister.

That monkey may do a
better job than this one.

Captain, I... I'm sorry.

I know you were just doing
your duty as you saw it.

Well, then, you forgive me?

She does, Captain.

Forgiving is our business.

Well, I don't want to seem
to appear too presumptuous,

but if the name of Chief Galindo

should come up into
one of your prayers,

could you make a request
that he return my badge?

(PEPE CHATTERING)