The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Moo Is Blue - full transcript
Farmer Gonzalo, the convent's milk supplier, is moving to St. Thomas and can't take Alicia, his beloved cow with him. Sister Bertrille decides to buy Alicia for the convent as a cheap, constant and reliable milk supply for the kitchen and for the children's needs. None of this comes to fruition as as soon as Alicia reaches the convent, she stops providing milk. The Reverend Mother finally gives Sister Bertrille an ultimatum: find another home for Alicia, or off Alicia goes to the slaughter house. When Sister Bertrille can't find another suitable home for Alicia, Sister Bertrille talks Carlos, or rather talks Carlos' girlfriend Danielle, into giving her and Alicia a ride on Carlos' yacht to St. Thomas to go see Gonzalo, who thinks he can solve Alicia's lack of milk problem. They all think it's Alicia being homesick or at least being family-sick for Gonzalo. However they all discover that what Alicia was missing was music as Gonzalo always sang to her while he milked her. So Alicia has found a new home at the convent with a new source of music. Carlos is given a reward for taking Sister Bertrille and Alicia to/from St. Thomas: Alicia's first glass of convent milk.
(DOG BARKING)
JACQUELINE: One of the things that
delighted us most about Sister Bertrille
was her imagination.
It could turn an ordinary caterpillar
weed into a sinister disguise.
Or transform a bull grazing
peacefully in the pasture
into El Toro, terror
of the bullring.
Hey.
Toro. Toro.
Toro. You know me, Toro?
Dona Bertrille. Numero uno.
The most famous matador
in all of Puerto Rico.
Hey, hey.
Toro. Toro. And a bull
does not exist who shall
Ooh...
Nice Toro.
I'm not really a matador.
I once gave $5 to the SPCA.
Stay away.
(MOOING)
(WHISTLING)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
You were flat that time, Alicia.
(HOOTING)
Since when do you sing soprano?
Sister Bertrille. Hello.
You sing as pretty as Alicia.
I was lucky I knew the words.
How are you, Gonzalo. I
came to pay my milk bill.
Gracias, Sister. This is
the last time, you know.
Last time? I'm
giving up the farm.
And I'm moving to St. Thomas
to work for my brother-in-law.
No kidding. When
are you leaving?
As soon as I take
Alicia to Emilio Mercado.
He said he might buy her.
Oh, that's a long walk.
And with my corns,
even take longer.
But I'm afraid I have to.
Wait a minute.
Why don't you buy
the cow, Sister?
Me?
Sure. With what the Convent
is paying every week for milk,
at the end you save money.
And the milk will be free.
Why, that's right.
I wonder why no one
ever thought of that before!
And it only going
to cost you $300.
That's why no one
ever thought of it before.
No good, huh?
How much money do you got?
Nothing.
Sister, you drive
a hard bargain.
But, wait. There is a way
you can have the cow for free.
For free? Practically.
There is an old tractor that
I don't need anymore. So...
So Gonzalo traded his tractor
to his cousin Francisco for a car.
The only thing is
Francisco still owed
six payments to the
finance company.
Six payments of $50
each, that comes to $300.
Now, all we have to do is meet
those payments and it's ours.
The car? The cow.
I see. And once it's paid for
it won't cost us a
penny from then on.
The cow? The milk.
And butter and cheese and eggs.
Eggs, Sister Bertrille?
Well, anyway, it won't cost
us anything to feed Alicia.
Alicia? Oh, the cow.
The cow.
Because she can
graze on the grounds
and mow the lawn
at the same time.
A very interesting
proposition, Sister Bertrille.
But much too involved.
Thank Senor Gonzalo and
tell him we're not interested.
Reverend Mother, I already
told him we were interested.
(COW MOOING)
Oh, Sister Bertrille, the cook wants
to know if you've ordered more milk.
She did even better than
that, Sister Jacqueline.
It seems we bought the factory.
The factory?
The factory.
(MOOING)
Okay, gang. Time for our
first class in natural science.
Where's Domingo?
Over here, Sister.
I got everything
ready for the milking.
Well, that's very nice.
Thank you, Domingo.
But I'm just a beginner and I
don't think my aim is that good.
Hello, Alicia.
Where does the cow get the milk?
Well, she makes it out
of the grass that she eats.
Then how come
the milk isn't green?
Oh, well, you see...
Which faucet gives the milk
and which gives the cream?
They're not faucets, they're...
How come they don't milk bulls?
You see, only cows give milk.
DOMINGO: Oh, yeah?
My uncle has a
goat that gives milk.
Yes, but it was a lady goat.
Then how come it had a beard?
Well, lady goats
have beards, too.
Then how can you tell a
lady goat from a man goat?
So much for natural science.
Now time for recess, kids.
Go ahead. Dismissed.
I don't think she
knew the answers.
How's the milking coming?
Oh.
Well, I haven't gotten
quite as much as I expected.
Well, how much have you gotten?
JACQUELINE: It appeared that
Honest Gonzalo, the used cow dealer
had stuck Sister
Bertrille with a lemon.
However, she
preferred not to burden
the Mother Superior
with the news just yet.
Custard.
REV. MOTHER: It
tastes different, somehow.
It's a new recipe,
Reverend Mother.
That's right. Low cow.
Cal. Low cal.
What did you put in the cereal?
Oh.
H2O.
It tastes terrible.
Of course. If it tasted good,
it wouldn't be good for you.
JACQUELINE: Although Sister
Bertrille was able to somehow get through
a milkless breakfast and lunch,
at dinner time when
the souffle collapsed,
the truth had to come out.
That's when it was decided
to call in professional help.
I cannot find anything
wrong with her.
Isn't he looking
at the wrong end?
It's the first time I've been
at a checkup for a cow.
Physically, this cow is
A-one, but emotionally...
4-F?
Right.
This is a very sensitive animal.
She's been my patient for years.
She misses the familiar
surroundings, the farm, the other cows.
Believe me, there is but
one thing wrong with her.
She's lonely.
(SISTERS MOOING)
(CLANGING)
JACQUELINE: While
Sister Bertrille searched
for the answer to
Alicia's problem,
life in the Convent
went on as usual.
Well, almost.
Now I know what it
means, sacred cows.
I'm at my wits end, Gonzalo.
I just can't seem to
get any milk out of her.
For a while I thought
my hands were cold.
I even tried using mittens.
And she gives nothing at all?
Trouble, yes. Milk, no.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
If I could only have Alicia here
I know I could
solve your problem.
If you had Alicia there I
wouldn't have a problem.
If I can only talk to her.
(GONZALO SPEAKING ON PHONE)
Sister Bertrille?
GONZALO: Why must you be
so stubborn, you she-devil, you.
It's Senor Gonzalo
in St. Thomas.
You called St.
Thomas? Long distance?
Good day, Senor Gonzalo.
Sister Bertrille, when
we bought this cow
we bought her as an
investment, is that right?
Yes, Reverend Mother.
We made this investment in
order to eliminate the milk bill, right?
Yes, Reverend Mother.
So far, all we have
eliminated is the milk.
But what is done is done.
Well, no use
crying over spilled...
Precisely.
Now, if a stock does not yield
dividends, it should be sold.
Of course.
That would apply
also, I think, to livestock.
Who'd want to buy a
cow that doesn't give milk?
You did, Sister Bertrille.
Now, we cannot sell
Alicia under false pretenses.
But surely there must
be someone who,
someone who wants a cow
for, uh, a different purpose.
(COW MOOING)
A butcher?
(MOOING)
A very good suggestion,
Sister Bertrille.
JACQUELINE: Though Alicia
seemed headed for the butcher
and a fillet mignon fate,
Sister Bertrille
refused to give up hope.
So, what do you think?
So, how about it, Jose?
Wouldn't that be a terrific
promotion idea for your place?
(MOOING)
That was when Sister Bertrille
came to the end of her rope.
And Alicia got away from hers.
Alicia!
Alicia!
(MEOWING)
Just my luck, I'd have
to land in a herd of twins.
Well, that's not
Alicia, that's for sure.
Another case of
mistaken identity.
JACQUELINE: Of course, there
was only one way to identify Alicia.
Naturally, she was the
one that didn't give milk.
Okay, Alicia, let's go home.
Hi. What are you doing here?
Oh, I just stopped
off to buy some milk.
(SHUSHING)
(MOOING)
She feels bad enough as it is
without you having to remind her.
Hi. Hi.
We found a new
place to buy some milk.
I know. I know.
She doesn't want
to upset the cow.
Well, did you have any luck? Or
is Alicia going to have to go to the...
B-U-T-C-H-E-R?
I'm afraid it's the
B-U-T-C-H-E-R.
B-U... To the...
(GASPS)
If I could only get
Alicia to St. Thomas,
Gonzalo could take
care of the problem.
He told me so on the phone.
Oh, well, you might as well forget
it, unless you can get a B-O-A-T.
(MOOING)
A boat.
Oh, I know someone with a boat.
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
BERTRILLE: Carlos?
Yes, mon petit chou. Here.
All morning I've been
waiting impatiently just for...
You? What are you doing here?
I came to talk about
something very important.
It has to do with Alicia.
Don't believe a
word she tells you.
I never made any
such promises...
Who's Alicia?
The one I'm talking
about is a cow.
Oh.
That sounds more like Consuela.
(ALICIA MOOING)
Oh, no!
Sister, can't you see I'm busy?
I have no time for cows.
Now, Carlos, this
is very important.
It's a matter of life
and death. Yeah.
If I don't find
somebody to buy...
You want me to buy it, right?
You'd buy her?
What do I want with a cow?
I don't drink any milk.
You own a nightclub.
My customers don't
drink milk either.
Then Alicia's just
the cow you want.
She doesn't give milk.
What kind of logic is that?
You want me to buy a cow
that doesn't give any milk
for my customers that
don't drink any milk...
That's funny. It makes sense.
Then you'll buy
her? Absolutely not.
If you ever get a cow that
gives bourbon, I might consider it.
Well, Carlos, I didn't ask you
the question I came to ask you.
It doesn't make any difference.
Because I answered you
exactly what I wanted to answer.
The thing I wanted to ask you...
Thank you very much, Sister.
It was very nice
of you to come by.
Now you can go,
and don't call me.
But... I will call you. Bye-bye.
DANIELLE: Carlos!
DANIELLE: Carlos.
Go away! I'm not
interested in cows!
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
Danielle!
I didn't mean you.
Would I talk to you that way
when I made such beautiful
plans for the whole weekend?
Really? Where are we going?
Wherever your heart desires.
How about Punta Leone?
That is just another
deserted island.
Well, that's the best
kind. Wouldn't it be nice
just the two of us? Alone?
For a whole weekend?
Excuse me. I couldn't
help overhearing.
How could you help it?
You were eavesdropping.
Hello. My name's
Sister Bertrille.
How are you? I am Danielle.
I was wondering maybe
you'd like to go to St. Thomas.
It's got fantastic
restaurants and...
And it just happens
to be the place
where you wanted to go. Right?
Well, I was going to ask
you, if perhaps on your way...
If I have room for one more?
No. Two more. You
see, I have this friend.
Friend?
(ALICIA MOOING)
Oh, no, forget it!
Now, Carlos, you
don't understand.
You see, the man who owned
Alicia, well, he went to St. Thomas.
And it made her
so emotionally upset
that she just
stopped giving milk.
What do I... Oh, the poor cow!
Yes, you see. And if I
don't get her to St. Thomas,
well, they'll send
her to the butcher.
Well, that's something...
Oh, how terrible.
But don't you worry, Sister.
We will get her to St. Thomas.
So, you girls are ganging
up on me, huh? Okay.
All three of you! Carlos!
BERTRILLE: Carlos!
Wait a minute, Carlos!
No, that's all right.
Here. The keys
to the boat... Yacht.
Now you can go to St. Thomas!
But include me out!
Now, Carlos, stop
acting like a little boy.
Every time I try to act like a
big boy, you always interfere!
No! Carlos.
Carlos, what
about our little trip?
I'm not running a
ferry boat for a cow!
Carlos, calm yourself.
Now, calm yourself.
This time I'm
putting my foot down!
This is better,
Sister. Catch, Carlos!
Did I get him?
Yes, you got him.
Carlos. Carlos.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
Carlos? Carlos?
Carlos?
What happened? Where am I?
It's all right, darling.
You're safe with
me on your boat.
Yacht.
(ALICIA MOOING)
Foghorns? With the sun shining?
(MOOING)
Oh, no! I am not
going to allow this.
This boat... Yacht
is going back.
Who's at the wheel?
Hi. How are you feeling?
Oh, no.
I don't believe it.
You see how
helpful the Sister is.
She helped me
right into the water.
I don't need her help.
I can handle this boat myself.
Wouldn't you rather
stay down here with me?
It's a long trip to
St. Thomas, darling.
Then why are we
wasting time talking?
Excuse me. Is the
cow bothering you?
Not the cow.
(MOOING)
Oh, poor thing. I
think she's still thirsty.
Should I open the champagne?
I don't think they
drink champagne.
I think she needs more water.
I know where there's
plenty of water.
In the ocean.
She can swim there.
And you say she still
doesn't want to give any milk?
Not even enough
for a cup of coffee.
So couldn't you take
her back, Gonzalo?
You mean keep her here?
I don't think my
brother-in-law would like that.
He's still trying
to get used to me.
It must be the way
you've been milking her.
Here. Oh, thanks.
(MOOING)
Nothing wrong with her voice.
Let's see what happens
when I try to milk her?
That's a good idea.
You can use this
to put the milk in.
And this as a stool.
But this got a little rum in it.
Well, that's okay. If she gives
some milk you'll have an eggnog.
Okay.
Alicia.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
I never tried milking
her in Spanish.
Nothing's happening.
I'll say nothing's happening.
Oh, Danielle, please.
(SHUSHING)
Alicia, you have
to give some milk.
This is papa Gonzalo,
don't you recognize me?
Do I have to sit here and
listen to all this idiotic nonsense?
Alicia, will you stop fooling
around and start giving milk?
For goodness sake!
Senor, do not raise
your voice to a lady.
GONZALO: Alicia,
please give some milk.
Just like in the old
days for papa Gonzalo.
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
It's coming! You see?
Oh, what a beautiful sight!
It was the singing.
That's what was
missing all the time.
That's it.
You were right, Sister.
Only eight bars from Rigoletto
and the bowl is already half full.
Imagine what she could
do with a whole opera.
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Does a needle have an eye? ♪
♪ Does an eye have a pupil? ♪
♪ Does a pupil have a school? ♪
♪ Does a school have a fish? ♪
♪ Ask me anything ♪
♪ Any little thing ♪
♪ Anything you wish, but ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Does a bathtub have a ring? ♪
♪ Does a ring have a finger? ♪
♪ Does a finger have a nail? ♪
♪ Does a nail have a head? ♪
♪ And I'm asking, please ♪
♪ On my hands and knees ♪
♪ Like a quadruped ♪
What's a quadruped?
It's a four-legged animal.
♪ Has a calendar a date? ♪
♪ Has a date a palm? ♪
♪ Has a palm a hand? ♪
♪ Has a hand a shake? ♪
♪ No mistaking ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Has an elephant a trunk? ♪
♪ Does a trunk
have a railroad? ♪
♪ Does a railroad have a tie? ♪
♪ Does a tie have a bow? ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ Does a pupil have a school? ♪
♪ Does a school have a fish? ♪
♪ Ask me anything ♪
♪ Any little thing ♪
♪ Anything you wish, but ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
Carlos, darling.
What is it now?
Because you were so sweet and
took the Sister and Alicia to St. Thomas
and brought them back again,
now you're going to get your reward.
A reward?
Close your eyes.
There you are, Carlos.
The first glass of
milk from Alicia.
♪ No mistaking ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Has an elephant a trunk ♪
♪ Does a trunk have a railroad ♪
♪ Does a railroad have a tie ♪
♪ Does a tie have a bow ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
(MOOING)
JACQUELINE: One of the things that
delighted us most about Sister Bertrille
was her imagination.
It could turn an ordinary caterpillar
weed into a sinister disguise.
Or transform a bull grazing
peacefully in the pasture
into El Toro, terror
of the bullring.
Hey.
Toro. Toro.
Toro. You know me, Toro?
Dona Bertrille. Numero uno.
The most famous matador
in all of Puerto Rico.
Hey, hey.
Toro. Toro. And a bull
does not exist who shall
Ooh...
Nice Toro.
I'm not really a matador.
I once gave $5 to the SPCA.
Stay away.
(MOOING)
(WHISTLING)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
You were flat that time, Alicia.
(HOOTING)
Since when do you sing soprano?
Sister Bertrille. Hello.
You sing as pretty as Alicia.
I was lucky I knew the words.
How are you, Gonzalo. I
came to pay my milk bill.
Gracias, Sister. This is
the last time, you know.
Last time? I'm
giving up the farm.
And I'm moving to St. Thomas
to work for my brother-in-law.
No kidding. When
are you leaving?
As soon as I take
Alicia to Emilio Mercado.
He said he might buy her.
Oh, that's a long walk.
And with my corns,
even take longer.
But I'm afraid I have to.
Wait a minute.
Why don't you buy
the cow, Sister?
Me?
Sure. With what the Convent
is paying every week for milk,
at the end you save money.
And the milk will be free.
Why, that's right.
I wonder why no one
ever thought of that before!
And it only going
to cost you $300.
That's why no one
ever thought of it before.
No good, huh?
How much money do you got?
Nothing.
Sister, you drive
a hard bargain.
But, wait. There is a way
you can have the cow for free.
For free? Practically.
There is an old tractor that
I don't need anymore. So...
So Gonzalo traded his tractor
to his cousin Francisco for a car.
The only thing is
Francisco still owed
six payments to the
finance company.
Six payments of $50
each, that comes to $300.
Now, all we have to do is meet
those payments and it's ours.
The car? The cow.
I see. And once it's paid for
it won't cost us a
penny from then on.
The cow? The milk.
And butter and cheese and eggs.
Eggs, Sister Bertrille?
Well, anyway, it won't cost
us anything to feed Alicia.
Alicia? Oh, the cow.
The cow.
Because she can
graze on the grounds
and mow the lawn
at the same time.
A very interesting
proposition, Sister Bertrille.
But much too involved.
Thank Senor Gonzalo and
tell him we're not interested.
Reverend Mother, I already
told him we were interested.
(COW MOOING)
Oh, Sister Bertrille, the cook wants
to know if you've ordered more milk.
She did even better than
that, Sister Jacqueline.
It seems we bought the factory.
The factory?
The factory.
(MOOING)
Okay, gang. Time for our
first class in natural science.
Where's Domingo?
Over here, Sister.
I got everything
ready for the milking.
Well, that's very nice.
Thank you, Domingo.
But I'm just a beginner and I
don't think my aim is that good.
Hello, Alicia.
Where does the cow get the milk?
Well, she makes it out
of the grass that she eats.
Then how come
the milk isn't green?
Oh, well, you see...
Which faucet gives the milk
and which gives the cream?
They're not faucets, they're...
How come they don't milk bulls?
You see, only cows give milk.
DOMINGO: Oh, yeah?
My uncle has a
goat that gives milk.
Yes, but it was a lady goat.
Then how come it had a beard?
Well, lady goats
have beards, too.
Then how can you tell a
lady goat from a man goat?
So much for natural science.
Now time for recess, kids.
Go ahead. Dismissed.
I don't think she
knew the answers.
How's the milking coming?
Oh.
Well, I haven't gotten
quite as much as I expected.
Well, how much have you gotten?
JACQUELINE: It appeared that
Honest Gonzalo, the used cow dealer
had stuck Sister
Bertrille with a lemon.
However, she
preferred not to burden
the Mother Superior
with the news just yet.
Custard.
REV. MOTHER: It
tastes different, somehow.
It's a new recipe,
Reverend Mother.
That's right. Low cow.
Cal. Low cal.
What did you put in the cereal?
Oh.
H2O.
It tastes terrible.
Of course. If it tasted good,
it wouldn't be good for you.
JACQUELINE: Although Sister
Bertrille was able to somehow get through
a milkless breakfast and lunch,
at dinner time when
the souffle collapsed,
the truth had to come out.
That's when it was decided
to call in professional help.
I cannot find anything
wrong with her.
Isn't he looking
at the wrong end?
It's the first time I've been
at a checkup for a cow.
Physically, this cow is
A-one, but emotionally...
4-F?
Right.
This is a very sensitive animal.
She's been my patient for years.
She misses the familiar
surroundings, the farm, the other cows.
Believe me, there is but
one thing wrong with her.
She's lonely.
(SISTERS MOOING)
(CLANGING)
JACQUELINE: While
Sister Bertrille searched
for the answer to
Alicia's problem,
life in the Convent
went on as usual.
Well, almost.
Now I know what it
means, sacred cows.
I'm at my wits end, Gonzalo.
I just can't seem to
get any milk out of her.
For a while I thought
my hands were cold.
I even tried using mittens.
And she gives nothing at all?
Trouble, yes. Milk, no.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
If I could only have Alicia here
I know I could
solve your problem.
If you had Alicia there I
wouldn't have a problem.
If I can only talk to her.
(GONZALO SPEAKING ON PHONE)
Sister Bertrille?
GONZALO: Why must you be
so stubborn, you she-devil, you.
It's Senor Gonzalo
in St. Thomas.
You called St.
Thomas? Long distance?
Good day, Senor Gonzalo.
Sister Bertrille, when
we bought this cow
we bought her as an
investment, is that right?
Yes, Reverend Mother.
We made this investment in
order to eliminate the milk bill, right?
Yes, Reverend Mother.
So far, all we have
eliminated is the milk.
But what is done is done.
Well, no use
crying over spilled...
Precisely.
Now, if a stock does not yield
dividends, it should be sold.
Of course.
That would apply
also, I think, to livestock.
Who'd want to buy a
cow that doesn't give milk?
You did, Sister Bertrille.
Now, we cannot sell
Alicia under false pretenses.
But surely there must
be someone who,
someone who wants a cow
for, uh, a different purpose.
(COW MOOING)
A butcher?
(MOOING)
A very good suggestion,
Sister Bertrille.
JACQUELINE: Though Alicia
seemed headed for the butcher
and a fillet mignon fate,
Sister Bertrille
refused to give up hope.
So, what do you think?
So, how about it, Jose?
Wouldn't that be a terrific
promotion idea for your place?
(MOOING)
That was when Sister Bertrille
came to the end of her rope.
And Alicia got away from hers.
Alicia!
Alicia!
(MEOWING)
Just my luck, I'd have
to land in a herd of twins.
Well, that's not
Alicia, that's for sure.
Another case of
mistaken identity.
JACQUELINE: Of course, there
was only one way to identify Alicia.
Naturally, she was the
one that didn't give milk.
Okay, Alicia, let's go home.
Hi. What are you doing here?
Oh, I just stopped
off to buy some milk.
(SHUSHING)
(MOOING)
She feels bad enough as it is
without you having to remind her.
Hi. Hi.
We found a new
place to buy some milk.
I know. I know.
She doesn't want
to upset the cow.
Well, did you have any luck? Or
is Alicia going to have to go to the...
B-U-T-C-H-E-R?
I'm afraid it's the
B-U-T-C-H-E-R.
B-U... To the...
(GASPS)
If I could only get
Alicia to St. Thomas,
Gonzalo could take
care of the problem.
He told me so on the phone.
Oh, well, you might as well forget
it, unless you can get a B-O-A-T.
(MOOING)
A boat.
Oh, I know someone with a boat.
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
BERTRILLE: Carlos?
Yes, mon petit chou. Here.
All morning I've been
waiting impatiently just for...
You? What are you doing here?
I came to talk about
something very important.
It has to do with Alicia.
Don't believe a
word she tells you.
I never made any
such promises...
Who's Alicia?
The one I'm talking
about is a cow.
Oh.
That sounds more like Consuela.
(ALICIA MOOING)
Oh, no!
Sister, can't you see I'm busy?
I have no time for cows.
Now, Carlos, this
is very important.
It's a matter of life
and death. Yeah.
If I don't find
somebody to buy...
You want me to buy it, right?
You'd buy her?
What do I want with a cow?
I don't drink any milk.
You own a nightclub.
My customers don't
drink milk either.
Then Alicia's just
the cow you want.
She doesn't give milk.
What kind of logic is that?
You want me to buy a cow
that doesn't give any milk
for my customers that
don't drink any milk...
That's funny. It makes sense.
Then you'll buy
her? Absolutely not.
If you ever get a cow that
gives bourbon, I might consider it.
Well, Carlos, I didn't ask you
the question I came to ask you.
It doesn't make any difference.
Because I answered you
exactly what I wanted to answer.
The thing I wanted to ask you...
Thank you very much, Sister.
It was very nice
of you to come by.
Now you can go,
and don't call me.
But... I will call you. Bye-bye.
DANIELLE: Carlos!
DANIELLE: Carlos.
Go away! I'm not
interested in cows!
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
Danielle!
I didn't mean you.
Would I talk to you that way
when I made such beautiful
plans for the whole weekend?
Really? Where are we going?
Wherever your heart desires.
How about Punta Leone?
That is just another
deserted island.
Well, that's the best
kind. Wouldn't it be nice
just the two of us? Alone?
For a whole weekend?
Excuse me. I couldn't
help overhearing.
How could you help it?
You were eavesdropping.
Hello. My name's
Sister Bertrille.
How are you? I am Danielle.
I was wondering maybe
you'd like to go to St. Thomas.
It's got fantastic
restaurants and...
And it just happens
to be the place
where you wanted to go. Right?
Well, I was going to ask
you, if perhaps on your way...
If I have room for one more?
No. Two more. You
see, I have this friend.
Friend?
(ALICIA MOOING)
Oh, no, forget it!
Now, Carlos, you
don't understand.
You see, the man who owned
Alicia, well, he went to St. Thomas.
And it made her
so emotionally upset
that she just
stopped giving milk.
What do I... Oh, the poor cow!
Yes, you see. And if I
don't get her to St. Thomas,
well, they'll send
her to the butcher.
Well, that's something...
Oh, how terrible.
But don't you worry, Sister.
We will get her to St. Thomas.
So, you girls are ganging
up on me, huh? Okay.
All three of you! Carlos!
BERTRILLE: Carlos!
Wait a minute, Carlos!
No, that's all right.
Here. The keys
to the boat... Yacht.
Now you can go to St. Thomas!
But include me out!
Now, Carlos, stop
acting like a little boy.
Every time I try to act like a
big boy, you always interfere!
No! Carlos.
Carlos, what
about our little trip?
I'm not running a
ferry boat for a cow!
Carlos, calm yourself.
Now, calm yourself.
This time I'm
putting my foot down!
This is better,
Sister. Catch, Carlos!
Did I get him?
Yes, you got him.
Carlos. Carlos.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
Carlos? Carlos?
Carlos?
What happened? Where am I?
It's all right, darling.
You're safe with
me on your boat.
Yacht.
(ALICIA MOOING)
Foghorns? With the sun shining?
(MOOING)
Oh, no! I am not
going to allow this.
This boat... Yacht
is going back.
Who's at the wheel?
Hi. How are you feeling?
Oh, no.
I don't believe it.
You see how
helpful the Sister is.
She helped me
right into the water.
I don't need her help.
I can handle this boat myself.
Wouldn't you rather
stay down here with me?
It's a long trip to
St. Thomas, darling.
Then why are we
wasting time talking?
Excuse me. Is the
cow bothering you?
Not the cow.
(MOOING)
Oh, poor thing. I
think she's still thirsty.
Should I open the champagne?
I don't think they
drink champagne.
I think she needs more water.
I know where there's
plenty of water.
In the ocean.
She can swim there.
And you say she still
doesn't want to give any milk?
Not even enough
for a cup of coffee.
So couldn't you take
her back, Gonzalo?
You mean keep her here?
I don't think my
brother-in-law would like that.
He's still trying
to get used to me.
It must be the way
you've been milking her.
Here. Oh, thanks.
(MOOING)
Nothing wrong with her voice.
Let's see what happens
when I try to milk her?
That's a good idea.
You can use this
to put the milk in.
And this as a stool.
But this got a little rum in it.
Well, that's okay. If she gives
some milk you'll have an eggnog.
Okay.
Alicia.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
I never tried milking
her in Spanish.
Nothing's happening.
I'll say nothing's happening.
Oh, Danielle, please.
(SHUSHING)
Alicia, you have
to give some milk.
This is papa Gonzalo,
don't you recognize me?
Do I have to sit here and
listen to all this idiotic nonsense?
Alicia, will you stop fooling
around and start giving milk?
For goodness sake!
Senor, do not raise
your voice to a lady.
GONZALO: Alicia,
please give some milk.
Just like in the old
days for papa Gonzalo.
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
It's coming! You see?
Oh, what a beautiful sight!
It was the singing.
That's what was
missing all the time.
That's it.
You were right, Sister.
Only eight bars from Rigoletto
and the bowl is already half full.
Imagine what she could
do with a whole opera.
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Does a needle have an eye? ♪
♪ Does an eye have a pupil? ♪
♪ Does a pupil have a school? ♪
♪ Does a school have a fish? ♪
♪ Ask me anything ♪
♪ Any little thing ♪
♪ Anything you wish, but ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Does a bathtub have a ring? ♪
♪ Does a ring have a finger? ♪
♪ Does a finger have a nail? ♪
♪ Does a nail have a head? ♪
♪ And I'm asking, please ♪
♪ On my hands and knees ♪
♪ Like a quadruped ♪
What's a quadruped?
It's a four-legged animal.
♪ Has a calendar a date? ♪
♪ Has a date a palm? ♪
♪ Has a palm a hand? ♪
♪ Has a hand a shake? ♪
♪ No mistaking ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Has an elephant a trunk? ♪
♪ Does a trunk
have a railroad? ♪
♪ Does a railroad have a tie? ♪
♪ Does a tie have a bow? ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ Does a pupil have a school? ♪
♪ Does a school have a fish? ♪
♪ Ask me anything ♪
♪ Any little thing ♪
♪ Anything you wish, but ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
Carlos, darling.
What is it now?
Because you were so sweet and
took the Sister and Alicia to St. Thomas
and brought them back again,
now you're going to get your reward.
A reward?
Close your eyes.
There you are, Carlos.
The first glass of
milk from Alicia.
♪ No mistaking ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Has an elephant a trunk ♪
♪ Does a trunk have a railroad ♪
♪ Does a railroad have a tie ♪
♪ Does a tie have a bow ♪
♪ Do I need you? ♪
♪ What a question ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
(MOOING)